Am I the only one not understanding it?
Some poems have no likes or views
Some poems have a preview, others don't
Some poems are brand new
Some poems are two days old
There's a temperature gage that doesn't make sense
And sometimes there's a poem that disappears off it

*I'm flabbergasted...

it's hard to lose somebody
       you used talked to everyday
& they aren't there anymore
       so a little bit of you dies
day by day, night by night
       until the face in the mirror
isn't           you           anymore

Still at this hour I love you, when sleep removes itself from me.
In the dark I let my mind visit us when we were young, happy, unsoiled by the reality that life would strain and break us.

Early April of 2012 I remember the weekend we spent almost entirely on each other's company. Mostly just talking, knowing each other. Just a few weeks before your birthday and I learned you hated gifts. I miss learning about you. Always missing you.

With all honesty not a day has passed when you haven't come into my mind and heart since we last spoke. Always praying it's not the last time we will have spoken but I know in my heart it is true.

I understand why. But I still love you. And I'm always telling you I'm sorry when we meet in my head. I never wanted to hurt you. Just needed to be needed. I'm a selfish man and I'm sorry I never told you that. I was too young to understand you and too self absorbed to look beyond me.

This is always as far as I get, talking with you in my head. I can neither bear your rejection, nor your forgiveness. So I close my eyes and wish I could hug you. And I start over again...

Still at this hour I love you, when sleep removes itself from me...

This chamber is so empty
So cold
So dark
So... empty

Even my breath echoes off the paper thin walls
Walls that are cracked, broken, even collapsed.
There's no warmth in here, not even a sliver of light.
Where am I?
As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw horrid things.
Ghosts, skeletons... all without emotions blankly wandering with no direction.
I see tattered pictures, trampled over by time and regret
Each picture looks like a memory, painted with care.
I see broken vessels scattered around the floor, filled with cobwebs and sand.
Each vessel looks like it was storing a part of something.
As I walk to the center, there is a little glow; faint flickering, barely visible in a depression in the floor.
I crawl down, and wipe away the dust to find... myself...
This is my heart???
THIS IS ME?!?

For so long you held me
Under the black water
Caring nothing of my lungs
Knowing I was drowning

Yet I was the one
Overcoming your spell
Under six feet you now lie

My mind feels cold, damp, dark,
A cracked stone drips water down,
Drip drip drip drip drip,
Everything recedes away revealing,
More darkness, shadows of darkness,
Everything is slipping away into,
A thousand shades of grey and dullness,
The precious jewels, valued metals,

They have corroded and turned to black ash,
Leave them at the still riverbed. Stilled by death,

Companion, my only companion,
A raven, and a crow,
Each pecking at an eye,
Trying to break into my soul,
I loved you, locked it away,
And now I love nothing,
I have sacrificed myself for you,
Walking into the grey sunset,
Remember me.

Heart whispered to a coldness,
Frozen in a deep frenzy of isolation,
Departed from love,
Departed from hate.

Glaringly flawed from the start,
With a smell of rotten tomatoes,
Too far from peace,
Too far from hope.

Pallbearers hum colloquial serenades,
Casket battered and maimed,
Hazy memories,
Hazy memories...

Just another suicidal night
Everything comes crashing in
Loss
      Pain
            Alone
Repeat
Over and over and over in my head
While my prayers bounce off the ceiling
While my tears fall mute on deafness

So I suffocate slowly suffering
Razors across my eyes
Filled with blood
Voices killing
All alone
nobody
nothing

I'm not a good man. I promise.
I'm a guy who ****** himself out and usually wears some sort of mask to keep people from getting too close.
I've hurt everyone I've had love for. Family. Friends. The only two women I've ever loved. I'm not a good person.
Yet, in my brokenness, God sees me like a jigsaw puzzle.
God still loves me the same, and His mercies are new everyday. And because of His great, lavishing, ravishing, grace, I love you all.

Maybe you're someone in love with a man in a commitment, and you're having an affair.
And you don't know how to feel about it.
And your family hates you
Well, God loves you, and I love you.

Or perhaps you're a girl who has lost her only friends
And you've cut for the twentieth time, today.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're the woman struggling to keep a twelve year relationship alive, with six kids to care for and you're haunted by the past, and the fear he won't forgive you.
God loves you, and I love you

You're out with your friends and you're shooting ****** and taking crystal ****. You hate your father, and you're suicidal.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a gifted poet who's struggled with ****** addiction to the point you have a church fan handy at all times.
And you've lost that one dear person.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a woman still in love with a man who hurt you so badly from across the country, you've never even met.
And you struggle through your depression everyday.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a poet who struggles with the demons in your head and the illness in your mind. Broken by the loss of friends and the hurt in your heart.
Cutie, God loves you, and I love you

Or you're a woman still in love with a lost person, and the only way you can still have hope is to write poems on here.
God loves you, and I love you

Maybe you're the overweight, socially awkward girl that your father is disappointed in. And you've been hurt by every boyfriend you've ever had and now you don't trust or get too close.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're trying day by day not to cut and scar yourself.
Remembering the promise that you made and hating that you made it.
God loves you, and I love you

You're the girl with that huge list of problems.
You have that terrible foster family, and you've spent 15 months in therapy.
God loves you, and I love you.

Or you're this amazingly bubbly teen
That really, I've never seen you sad
And you want to see the world
God love you, and I love you.

Or you're the girl with no arms.
Who doesn't know what it's like to hold a hand.
Or pet an animal. Or know your mother.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're the man who fought in the opening moves of Iraq.
You faced the horrors of war. And you lost your wife in '07.
God loves you, and I love you

You're the *** addict all alone.
Your boyfriend never really cared for you.
You're tired of fighting life, and you hope the cancer takes you out.
God loves you, and I love you.

And maybe you're the unknown person.
Forgotten by everyone.
You're a nobody. You're alone.
And you find this:
God loves you, and I love you.

Zephaniah 3:17New International Version (NIV)

17 The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Why do You give me peace,
When there is not a single,
Miniscule,
Part of me that is worthy?
Why?

I know I'm undeserving,
Yet forever You renew me.
Your grace always comes,
Your love is steadfast,
You alone are always true.

God, is there no end to addiction in our lifetime?
Why does fickle flesh still hold power over us?
I know I can't understand Your marvelous way,
But God, why do we fight against Your Heart?
Your love is sufficient to sustain us;
We cast it aside for a mirage of dust.

We are Your Children, adopted by Your Design,
But we so often choose Your enemy to dine with.
Abba, save our rebellious hearts.
Abba, save my rebellious heart...
Turn us away from what You hate.
Turn me away from what You hate.

I feel like I'm knowing You less and less,
Can You give me more faith?
Forgive us.
Forgive me.

In the deepest, most ****** up pit you could ever be in, God Himself comes and holds your heart in the brokenness of it all.

I needed a miracle, today.
Now my friends need a miracle.
So here I am.
Asking for a miracle.

Your grace is good.
On my worst day I'm never beyond the reach of Your grace.
On my best day I'm never beyond the need of Your grace.
Forgive me, Abba.

Do you see my addiction, God?
Do you see me turning my back on you?
Do you see my double facedness?
Do you see through my lies?
I want to stop, God.
Please let me stop.
I want to be Your image.
All I have is my trust that You love me;
Even that is not mine, but a gift from You.
Let me overcome this.

Truth told, I don't know why I'm Christian right now.
I mean, I know I'm saved... I know I'm His.
But I can't tell myself apart from the world anymore.
My thoughts are broken, my soul aches...
Still I'm no closer to Him than when I started.
I claw an inch to lose a foot, then just let myself slide back...
I don't know what's wrong with me anymore...

Some days I feel less than I am.
Most days I feel less than I could be.
Everyday I'm never as I should be.

There's this pain deep in me that's unrelenting;
Never can I **** it off all the way.
I do find ways to dull it... to take the edge off:
Video games
Baseball
History
Poetry
Friends


But it's never enough.
The pain comes from that gap, that separation, between my soul and You.

I know our relationship isn't as it should be... that terrible gap in it... I know Your Son bridges it and Your Spirit holds it eternally.
But I have fled from You. I'm not asking for forgiveness from You. Not yet, I'm still unrepentant.
I'm asking for You to break through my solid walls; nobody else can.

You are God, I am but flesh and dust.
Hear me.

When I am a slave to my own desires,
To my own lusts,
More than I am a slave to You,
To Your Holy Spirit,

I know by my flesh alone,
My worthiness to You,
Is lower than a speck of dust,
Measured against eternity.

You bewilder me with Your,
All-consuming, divine and unfailing grace.

You do it not for my sake, but for Yours.
You alone are all worthy!

Because of You,
Because of what You did,
I am justified in Your almighty eyes,
For you see Your Sacrificial Son covers me.

My transgressions are wiped away,
Stains that were permanent,
Washed by Your blood.

Thank you, Abba!
Your love is mightiest!
All my sins cannot withhold against Your AWESOME POWER!

*"Lord, forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this life that fight for our love, our passion.

As our eyes are open wide on You, Lord, grant us the privilege of Your world view.

And may Your Kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down.

Amen."

If my God sacrificed
   His only Son for
   A manwhore like I,

Why should I be
   Unwilling to lay down
   My life for His glory?

I pray to die a death
   That will have His name
   Upon my lips when I
   Speak my last words.

I am but a lone man
   Rebellious in flesh
   Aloft in my desires.

Almighty I pray;
   Clean my heart
   With Your Spirit.

When I feed my lust
When I lie through my teeth
When I condemn and judge
When I lose my way
When I make myself appear good
When I am only bad...

It's not the angels
It's not the priests
It's not the prophets
It's not the apostles
It's not the saints
It's not the churches...

It's God Himself who weeps
His tears that collect
At the foot of His Throne.
Unending love like that
It's my Abba, that I forgot and left.

I know that I can't be what you want;
  because my heart is absolutely true
  and know I will not give up on you.
  That's why you can't ever love me.

He holds you the same as I would,
  plays and messes with your hair
  just like I would if you were mine.
  Every soft kiss on his lips kills me.

You sit up late and talk with him on the phone;
  just like we used to stay up late and talk
  like that time we spent 24 hours of a weekend
  being in each other's company... just talking...

But you never fell for me the way you fell for him
  or the way you fell for your last boyfriend
  or the one before him, or the one before him.
  Five years. Five boyfriends. None me.

                                                        None love you like me.
    *And that is why you can't ever love me.
                                                 Because you know that I'll stick around
                                      When everything falls apart
                         And try and be your everything
                                                    Be­cause I truly love you
                                             And you fear that love

An empty room
   Sand and dust strewn
Sinister malicious feeling
   Baby doll head in the corner
Doorknob turning with no pause
   And a breath across my neck

When I stare at mirrors
My eyes disrobe the lies
And shadows of my mind
Til I'm left with emotions
Creaking on worn floorboards
Stepping into a noose
Kicking the insecurity out
And waiting to find out
If I died
Or was set free

“For Ragamuffins, God's name is Mercy. We see our darkness as a prized possession because it drives us into the heart of God. Without mercy our darkness would plunge us into despair - for some, self-destruction. Time alone with God reveals the unfathomable depths of the poverty of the spirit. We are so poor that even our poverty is not our own: It belongs to the mysterium tremendum of a loving God.”
― Brennan Manning

Aching heart of love not had
How I miss the days we had
Broken apart but whole together
We were able to hold each other
But duct tape doesn't work on hearts
I'm sorry we never got a start
I'm missing you something fierce tonight
I really wanted love to last
But it was dead on arrival

I love the beauty of silence
When there's no sound from giants
It always gives me a riant smile
And makes everyday worthwhile.

To sit in the darkness and simply be
To still my thoughts, to be carefree
Simple peace a masterpiece.

So sit in a chair
Lay in a bed
And enjoy
The beauty of silence.

Right now I can't write
Because I can't express how I feel
Words are woefully unprepared for me
And what is bursting inside of my heart

So let this pen
So let this paper
Be overwhelmed
In this supernova

Pain slathered on like grease,
The pages of my life flip by,
Regret whispers and screams,
My ears bleed at the shrieks.

A demonic companion to stab me in the back,
His blade a soothing sonnet to my flesh,
Symphony and orchestra play the requiem,
Pallbearers filter through closed doors.

I'm laid to rest on a bed of dead flowers,
Walls of agony begin to fracture and fall,
The reaper's scythe sings metallic sins,
And a wraith is born from my death...

What to do when I cannot write?
I think and I imagine but nothing comes to mind.
No inspiration from music or stories
No inspiration from people or past glories.

Should I step out and breathe the night air?
Take a walk in the familiar woods behind my home?
No, neither of those are quite right
It does no good to go and roam.

Should I write all of my wrongs?
Should I share where my love belongs?
None of these are any good.
All I know is I need some food.

After a snack break

Perhaps I shall write of my inability to write?
Surely that is a subject worthy of the pen!
So this is how I learned to smite
The writer's block I had this night.

Empty paper
Empty thoughts
No inspiration
Not a one, yet

My heart brimming
My words silent
Can't write now
Can't weave words

Mind in a fog
Can't write a poem
Words aren't coming
Head is just spinning

I remember the way I weave words
Seemed so easy for me to do
Right now I can't form a sentence
Maybe a bit of food will help

The words won't form,
And the muse is silent.
Mind, imagination, passion,
All clotted up, bottled, under pressure.

Coughing up blood again
This time it's black as ink
So I decide to write in blood
And not wash it down the sink

Covering all my walls in all my failures
Until every last drop leaves my body
Leaving me pale, cold and rigid
And a heart withered in my chest

Suicide by writing
The note is my life
The ink is my blood
The death is alright