My heart is aching
Cause
I miss you so much

3:08 am

Another broken night
You aren't here by my side
Not residing in my heart

Friend, would you trust me?
Trust love?
Fall with me?

A hollow whisper
Despairing this broken heart
I loved you so much

Words don't come to me as easily as they once did
I've said it before
Said it before
said it before
Cynical echo sound away
So I erase, backspace, highlight and delete every syllable of love, fear, anxiety, I've lived through in this life
Smother my worth with worthlessness but I hope someone else feels they are worth it
That's my drive
Keeping a stranger alive another day, perhaps
Writing on a beach just to let my words wash away in the sand
Let myself soul drift out beyond the waves, but my body forgot to become drowned in the deep
where silence is the deadliest sound
and I've grown deaf
breathing but not alive

Seventeen syllables
Five seven five
I want to be different

There is a sharp pain in my heart,
I know not what to do with it;
pain echoes off my walls,
never a silent moment.

There is a voice in my head,
relentless and thundering;
it never ceases speaking,
it wakes the dead in me.

There is a longing in me,
ceaselessly seeking love;
I look for it in graves,
never looking up
to    the
...Cross...

three years,
some days I no longer count,
but you were the second woman I loved;
the first to love me back,
& the first to break my heart...
...
Darling, wherever you are I hope you're happy and free
'Cuz I'm still right where you left me...

A moment of hope
Smothered away by love's pain
Twisted and broken

There was a swaying moonlight
the night I was drunk on your kiss.

You lifted my soul to the sky,
yet,
what happened to the denim jacket I gave you?

It's freezing my heart
Like a pond in winter ice
Why don't you love me?

All these efforts to keep the tide from taking the shore
Change always comes
Sometimes invited but mostly not
So I learned to sit and be still
Til the water took my air
I learned to breathe again
To die a different way
Better days are stuck in the past
Days that never would last
Pain learned to stay, though
Turns out she's addictive too
Or I'm just comfortable
Or tired and defeated
Fill in the blank here
My words are too small
Vocabulary died in '09
Or '12 or '16 or '19
Whatever year I choose, the loneliness is the same
The same slow-cooked ache between my ribs
That only cider or *** or songs can soothe
But today I face it
I face the tide
Maybe I'll go under
But I'll never have died

Just a bit lonesome, tonight.
Wanting a little company, maybe.

I'm burning up
Light your fire
I'm sweating rivers
Light your fire
I'm roasted through
Light your fire
I'm melting down
Light your fire
I'm consumed in flame
Light your fire
Cremate me
Light your fire
I'm not dead

My guard dropped like an anvil from the sky
I never knew I was up so high
So alone
Freezing from the inside
Hiding lies in lust when love would've done fine

I see my friends in new relationships, in bliss
I'm happy for them
I'm also a bit bitter if I'm being honest
And if I'm being honest I'm never really honest
It's a protection plan of mine like
the kind you get when you're at the checkout and the
cashier who's on her
second hour of overtime
says that for thirty extras dollars all your broken parts can be fixed
if you bring it back
There was an asterisk next to the plan
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
so when you bring it back with a shattered screen
they say they can't help you because you did it to yourself
And I've done this
thing
to myself
Over and over and over again
Waiting for the time it works
The right formula of time multiplied by distance divided by maturity
But the solution I come up with always equals zero no matter what numbers I move around it stays the same
I don't commit because I've committed too much before
I don't walk on those egg shells anymore
When I love there is an asterisk next to my heart
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
Don't get too close because you might see me without my mask
And unmasked me is brutal and burnt out
As frail as thin ice covering the pond of his regrets
I've grown old groaning on about these things
A cold king with a cold crown sitting on a cold throne
alone
And I don't want to be alone but I don't want to change
This is normal for me and it feels safe even if it is killing me slowly
Nobody has been through my shoes
You can sympathize but don't ever say you can empathize
You have not seen through my eyes or felt with my heart
There are parts of me I lost with every step forward I took in absolute fearlessness and faith and it crippled me
So don't act like I have those parts of me, still
There are things I just cannot do anymore
Like an amputee who can't feel his wife's hand in his anymore
Like a paraplegic who can't run a marathon anymore'
Like a young boy who spent his love in fullness and never got any back
Please, just accept that this is who I am and I can't change that
Because it's not in my nature anymore
It just can't happen