An expressionless despair
Pure agony without care
Wanting to break free
Of this wretched nightmare

Finding out I'm losing heart
All from playing the part
I've lost my head start
And I'm all out of restarts

Dueling this darkness within
A war rages under my skin
Under the dominance of my sin
This road I take will finally end.

I've made my peace, it's time to go
No time left to say hello.
I'll miss you for sure, though
We have played one helluva show.

Pump the trumpet
Wait that's a trombone
Put it to a phone
Call up my clone
I want him to groan
But wait! There's more!
Time to settle the score
Before I become a bore
And you're on the floor
Declaring a war on me
When I just want to be free
And be happily glee
Like a flea on a dog
Dog?
Hot dog!
I'm going to eat a hot dog
In the middle of this city's smog
Maybe share it with a frog
On second thought I'll just hog
Like cog in the machine
God save the Queen

I still hold
     untold scars
but
     I still smile
when I see your face

So you've been dead a whole year now, mutt.
Not a day goes by I miss your adorable face.
But oh boy you had **** breath! Disgusting!
You were a great dog, even though you were a coward.
Oh, you had the snobbiest personality I've ever seen in a dog.

You had those terrible seizures two years ago that left you deaf... seven seizures in two hours. One of the scariest nights of my life.
But it's okay, the vet hooked you up on drugs. Phenobarbital!
Yeah, you got addicted real fast to that! Haha! It was so sad, but my twisted sense of humor saw the funny side of it. Every day at 11am and 11pm you would whine for your pill. Drove me nuts. But I still loved you...
And I miss you, bud.

Why is it a constant thing
When something works fine
It gets changed?

Drab;
  Dreary;
    Bleak;
A grey mood.

why can't I remember my dream last night?

The sun shines;
  I focus on the clouds.

there was a skull involved

Laughter down the street;
  I stay straight-faced with thin lips.

why was I desperate to survive?

An aroma of coffee fills the air;
  I type at my work,
    I try to forget it;
It bothers me...

*what was my dream last night?

I'm taking awkward clumsy steps
through life
with weary legs carrying me
up broken trails

I'm running from myself
can't face it
I've had a dozen "eureka" moments
but my life doesn't change

I'm the only one who can change me
that's why I stay the same
plodding through life half broken
with shards of a heart left broken

Probably just out of focus
with too much I
but I'm not changing
is it my destiny to *fail?

The hot bath water helps me not tonight
This feeling of uncertainty fogs my mind
Like the steam rising up fogs the mirror
Lots of thoughts racing through my head

Hoping we don't just turn to memories
Perhaps it just went too fast
Hoping we are going to last
Perhaps we're really in jeopardy

Sign your name on my heart
With a sharp knife, please
So you can scar yourself
Forever into my heart

You told me,
You loved me.
Finally.
You said you loved me,
That I was all you ever wanted.
And my heart soared ten thousand fathoms high.

But I woke up,
And panicked.
It was just a dream.

I think its time to have a talk,
A walk over the rubble of once tall walls,
That held a heart so heartless captive,
Lost in halls of raw cobbled things,
That were never really feelings, just things,

Things I need to say, to go over,
All in the name of bless-ed closure,
So sorry that I drove her so far away,
These bereft words, scribbled on a digital page,

Will never convey the dismay of this shipwrecked man,
Who crafted an island by his own hands,
Where he made himself ******,
Where he made his last stand,

But no ending ever came,
Just waves upon waves,
Of drowned dreams and half dead sorrows,
Awaiting death on every tomorrow,
Death that never came,

Maybe I'll get better
Maybe I won't
Maybe I'll take a chance
Maybe I'm too scared
Maybe I'll move on
Maybe I'm forever stuck
Maybe I'll change
Maybe I'm the same
Maybe there's too much I
Maybe it's not all about me
Maybe I should open my eyes
Maybe stitch up my heart
Certainly there's people hurting
Maybe I should help

Blocks settle inside my mind//
Bookends to the pages of us//
Pressed together but fallen apart//
Every poem a story, a seance to your ghost//
You're not dead but I am to you//
I'm on the other side tapping the glass//
Hopeful that someday a whisper of me//
Might graze across the valleys of your brain//
The memories would be kind, not of pain//
But that's just a fantasy//
And our love was just fiction//
It became stillborn in reality//

Roses, sweet and beautiful
Tight dresses, **** and attractive
Blood, darkly enchanting
Sunsets and sunrises, glorious
Lobsters, steamed and buttered
Feathers of a cardinal, bright
Ladybugs, cute and adorable
Mars, mysterious and desolate
Wine, fragrant and romantic
Gingers, the hottest hair color

“For Ragamuffins, God's name is Mercy. We see our darkness as a prized possession because it drives us into the heart of God. Without mercy our darkness would plunge us into despair - for some, self-destruction. Time alone with God reveals the unfathomable depths of the poverty of the spirit. We are so poor that even our poverty is not our own: It belongs to the mysterium tremendum of a loving God.”
― Brennan Manning

Laying low, just trying not to be noticed
Feeling slow, nothing coming into focus
Just a lazy day with no desire to socialize
So I'll just lay here and try to fantasize.

A strong crushing feeling on the edge of existence
  Investigating a never-ending black tunnel
A crypt of hopeless souls forever seeking shelter
  Without a lamp to guide their fruitlessness
I see the ghastly faces set upon every person still
  Cold, pale and downtrodden with weight
Devoid of any glow to indicate they are alive
  They are obscure and discarded remains
Theirs is a cell of forgetfulness and tragic pain
  Forever feeling along the walls of torment

Once upon a time...

Seconds turn to minutes,
As we meet for the first time,
A gift from above, so divine.

Minutes turn to hours,
And it feels like an eternity,
An eternity I've known you.

Hours turn to days,
The zeal, the vitality,
Starts fading like snow.

Days turn to weeks,
I wonder if I should say hi,
Wonder if I should give up.

Weeks turn to months,
And the grave is being dug,
The bridge starts to burn.

Months turn to years,
And it's become too late,
All is lost, all is a stale grey.

Years turn to today,
Today I thought of you,
And I regret that we lost touch.

The End...

A fiddle playing maid wearing a clown outfit
Challenged me to a game of black jack
Where the stakes were steaks
A t-bone I did desire
But the iced tea was spilled
How rude!
So I left the maid for a bell
Trying to get my wonderful meat
But I ended up with bacon
Given from the devil himself

Trickling streams released from ice
The return of feathered friends above
Blossoms of plum and cherry sprouting
Rays of sun captured in morning fog

Where does this infant season take you?
To pastures of wild flowers as far as you see?
Along creeks buzzing with young flies and bees?
This infant season is my favorite time to live

Take these weary bones and let them
Soak in the season's infant rainfall
Now is the time for rebirth and
Revitalization of the heart

The pain behind the eyes,
The hurt within the body,
The tears lost in the head,
The echoes whispers in the ear.

To see her doubled over in anguish,
To see him lose to his demons again,
To hope she'll one day be free,
To hope he'll win his next fight.

It's easy for people to hide their darkness,
Harder to be exposed to light,
It's hard to deal with depressed people like us,
Harder still to forgive ourselves.

Sometimes we hide in plain sight,
Sometimes we're the closest people to you,
Sometimes we are the "happiest" people,
Sometimes we're tomorrow's obituary.

So my plea to you is don't ever let us go,
So my plea to you is ask if we're really alright,
So my plea to you is don't execute the wounded,
So my plea to you is please don't let us leave us alone.

I miss your silhouette in bed next to me at night.
I know you had to go, and I know you were right.
I still want you here to hold so tight.
You helped me through, healed me too
You held me together with duct tape and glue.
But now you're gone, gone away for good
No more embraces on my car's hood.
Here I am, simply wishing we were sweaty and naked, holding each other in our arms.
But it's too late...

There's a noose around my guts
A lump in my throat
  & a feeling that I can't win
A staredown with Death
  & for once I have the upper hand
My soul runs faster than I can see
  & fear doesn't meet me here
What is this place?
  & why was I brought here?
What is this victory?
  & why is it mine?
If this is only a scent
I want to taste it full

I'm a lighthouse
I guide so many
And keep them
From battering
Against the rocks

But they also know to stay away
From me

They should
Stay away from me

I'll burn them down
I'll break their hearts
I'll rip their spirit
I'll drown them

So let this light guide you
But don't dare come ashore
This keeper is a hermit

I'm not a good man. I promise.
I'm a guy who ****** himself out and usually wears some sort of mask to keep people from getting too close.
I've hurt everyone I've had love for. Family. Friends. The only two women I've ever loved. I'm not a good person.
Yet, in my brokenness, God sees me like a jigsaw puzzle.
God still loves me the same, and His mercies are new everyday. And because of His great, lavishing, ravishing, grace, I love you all.

Maybe you're someone in love with a man in a commitment, and you're having an affair.
And you don't know how to feel about it.
And your family hates you
Well, God loves you, and I love you.

Or perhaps you're a girl who has lost her only friends
And you've cut for the twentieth time, today.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're the woman struggling to keep a twelve year relationship alive, with six kids to care for and you're haunted by the past, and the fear he won't forgive you.
God loves you, and I love you

You're out with your friends and you're shooting ****** and taking crystal ****. You hate your father, and you're suicidal.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a gifted poet who's struggled with ****** addiction to the point you have a church fan handy at all times.
And you've lost that one dear person.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a woman still in love with a man who hurt you so badly from across the country, you've never even met.
And you struggle through your depression everyday.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're a poet who struggles with the demons in your head and the illness in your mind. Broken by the loss of friends and the hurt in your heart.
Cutie, God loves you, and I love you

Or you're a woman still in love with a lost person, and the only way you can still have hope is to write poems on here.
God loves you, and I love you

Maybe you're the overweight, socially awkward girl that your father is disappointed in. And you've been hurt by every boyfriend you've ever had and now you don't trust or get too close.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're trying day by day not to cut and scar yourself.
Remembering the promise that you made and hating that you made it.
God loves you, and I love you

You're the girl with that huge list of problems.
You have that terrible foster family, and you've spent 15 months in therapy.
God loves you, and I love you.

Or you're this amazingly bubbly teen
That really, I've never seen you sad
And you want to see the world
God love you, and I love you.

Or you're the girl with no arms.
Who doesn't know what it's like to hold a hand.
Or pet an animal. Or know your mother.
God loves you, and I love you.

You're the man who fought in the opening moves of Iraq.
You faced the horrors of war. And you lost your wife in '07.
God loves you, and I love you

You're the *** addict all alone.
Your boyfriend never really cared for you.
You're tired of fighting life, and you hope the cancer takes you out.
God loves you, and I love you.

And maybe you're the unknown person.
Forgotten by everyone.
You're a nobody. You're alone.
And you find this:
God loves you, and I love you.

Zephaniah 3:17New International Version (NIV)

17 The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Why is it when I talk to you
   the only reply I get is my echo?
I'm pushing so hard to change
   & you just seem to ignore me...

Two wrongs don't make a right
Two deaths don't make a life
Two lefts don't make a right
Two people don't make a friend
Two loves don't make a happily ever after

Pig headed stud you are
Loving all the girls you collect
Like they're pokemon or baseball cards
You don't love any of them at all, do you?

You just put them in plastic like a trophy
And you display them luxuriously
So everyone sees how well you fish
But guess what, bud? You are owned by them.

You could've had the best love ever
But you had to keep collecting
And now she's dying inside
But you're already dead to her

So when you're broken and alone
Remember:
She'll be happy and free
You lost a treasure
She just lost a dime