Early minds turn to the sunrise
Wandering souls turn to the map
And the downhearted turn to the knife

Everything I hear is a blurred whisper
And everything I see is so distinct

Sometimes I wonder if you could clean up the mess you’ve caused
In my heart.
And I have contracted disorders
That will linger in every corner of my brain and body forever.

I don’t think you realize the effect you have on me
You make me feel beauty
When I know I have none
You make me hurt
Until I am sure I will never feel again

You’re the storm that’s wrecked my soul
Tossed around my insides
Until I’ve spit up blood
Tore gashes on my skin
That a surgeon couldn’t even mend

You’re the reason this pen
Lingers on the paper
Because I am sure you will ultimately destroy this too.

The one thing I always hated about myself
Is that I don’t know how to start things
But once I do I don’t know how to stop them.

Short on time
Short on love
Maybe even short on friends
Short on patience
Short on
Maybe just short on distractions
From your own life.
Maybe you’re just too short to reach the cabinets.
Under-promised instead of overcompensated.

I remember the 2am nights
That I miscalculated in trying to see the sunset
But the ink ran off the page.

I went outside and prayed to the Moon
That the pen won’t take my life by the time the Sun sets again.
Then I went inside to rewrite the words covering the trashcan
Until I felt the Sun pat me on the shoulder
Congratulating me.

I spent the day
Scrubbing the wall, floors, myself

The evening Sun told me I was almost there
I was almost cured
Then she frowned at
The new paper I found
And the feather and ink I conjured.

Then I smiled and showed
Her the written words
I tattooed on my chest
“I am the madness in your eyes.”
The Sunset gasped and fainted
As the Moon went to catch her

Then I found myself again
At 2am.
Writing on my last piece of paper;
Waiting for the Sun to rise.

I don’t remember the first time I got drunk
I just remember the sensation
The lightheadedness and the pirouettes.

I still avoid you in the hallways
To avoid all my inevitable nail biting
And stammering phrases

I remember how the hate coiled
In my intestines
Waiting to spring free
Out of my belly
But now the fire has subsided
And I smile and bit my lips

I still remember your birthday
And on any given day
I can recite all the late night messages you had sent me that I was too asleep to answer

And some nights I grew frantic with the knife
Trying to cut you out of my skin
That your fingerprints had so carefully engraved themselves on.

Other days I welcomed your curious stares
And our troubled conversations
Never once bringing up
How our pride had hurt each other
And how our lovesick past will always be in our minds

Another 24 hours and I go delusional
Holding your shadowed hand
And listening to your voice whisper sweet little lies in my ears.
But I hope your reality never becomes better than my imagination.

But you still avoid me in the hallways.

Sometimes on particularly rainy days
I’ll find myself face down on a paper.
I’ll finger paint it will tear soaked pads
And I’ll brush a mosaic on my pillowcase
Letting
It
   Sink
           In
I’ll mail the blank page to your doorstep
And sleep comfortably in a sea of hasty brush strokes

Maybe this won’t change your life
But our secret will be kept safe.

The soft grains covered our feet in a sandy embrace
While the water lapped at our feet.
To get to the shores edge it used to be a race
But now it’s a leisure hand-in-hand walk from our street.
We watched the blue dusk turn soft orange as the sun set
The waves crashed violently against the shore
As the sand and salt water collided and met.
All we wanted was happiness or maybe something more
But you grew restless
And threw your sandals to the sand
I knew what you were doing wasn’t aimless
As you bent over to write our names by hand
Grouped them in a circle and made a simple plea
That the ocean would slowly take our names out to sea

Every day I tally my days in this jail cell
Counting the days I’ve been in this solitude
Counting the days ‘til I’ll be set free
I’ve been seeing angels on the walls and devils in my brains

Counting the days I’ve been in this solitude
I’ve counted my fingers so many times it’s no longer ten
I’ve been seeing devils on the walls and angels in my brains
And the flowers I’ve planted grow from this concrete flooring

I’ve counted my fingers so many times it’s no longer eleven
But the guards lost my key; and the only escape
Are the flowers that grow from this concrete flooring
So I drown them in the thoughts I see.

The guards lost my key, and my only escape
Is lost in my insanity.
And I drown myself in the thoughts I see
Still wondering when I’ll be set free

I’m lost in this insanity
Counting the days I’ve been in this solitude
Still wondering when I’ll be set free
And tallying my days I’ve spent in this jail cell.

How can I write away these feelings,
When you’re in every crevice of my mind
Your voice follows me around
And I’m constantly looking over my shoulder for your familiar smile
My heart is heavy with all the your empty promises
And my mind is wrapped around your sweet lies
How could I want to read all about the love stories you wrote
When I know every one is about me

The soft grains covered our feet in a sandy embrace
While the water lapped at our feet
You threw your sandals to the sand
And bent over to write our names by hand
Grouped them in a circle and made a simple plea
That the ocean would slowly take our names out to sea

I know every time you pick up the phone you want to call me
I’m always the first thing on your mind when you’re alone
When no one cares for you,
You care for me
I don’t understand why you come around;
Why you wanna make me want you
When you don’t even want yourself.

You broke your arm
After you broke my heart.
And even though that may not be ironic.
Me loving you even more
Was.

She wiped her hands clean

On the ***** dish rag

And threw out the empty bottle.

She said

“Oh well,”

And opened another.

We made deals with boys,

Like one would with the devil.

We committed crimes to achieve:

Attention,

Happiness,

Beauty, and

Anything else they wanted.

But every deal has a price to pay

And I paid the ultimate price

When I realized I committed all the wrong crimes,

Because you still didn't love me.

I’m sorry.

I realized I never

kissed you goodbye this morning;

I thought I was coming right

back. I am so sorry.

I miss your lips.

I wanna be half-drunk on your bed with your arms around me as you listen to me talk about stupid things that make no sense. Please understand you make me feel safer than I've ever felt. So I’m sorry if I have to hold onto your hand the whole night just to prove to myself that you are real.

But I guess I’ll make do with my own bed. Cuddled under my own blankets wishing you here.

Write me a story

Where there’s good and bad.

Write me a story

Using only the beautiful words in your head.

Write me a story

About love and lust

And how to differentiate between the two.

Write me a story

Short and Sweet

About the time you fell for me

And I for you.

Write me a story

That will make me fall in love with flaws,

Then write me a story

That will make me lust after perfection.

Write me a story about the time you got your heart broken for the first time

And you’ve never felt right since.

Write me a story

About what you’ve learned.

Write me a story

in smeared red ink

Tell me how it’s a metaphor

Because red is the color of love

Yet also of pain.

Write me a story

About your shift in feelings

From her to me.

Write me a story

About all the mistakes you’ve made

And all the ones you plan on making.

Write me a story

About when you lost yourself

Then found yourself.

Write me a story

Where there’s a hero

And the villain lies within himself.

Finish the story.

Tell me how he saved himself.

I am not a toy you can throw away once you’re done with it.

But if you’re fine with that then I guess I am too.

Just one question…

Does she know?

Does she know that once you’re done with her you’ll leave her like you did me

With no rhyme or reason?

Does she know that you’re as big as an ocean wave and once you knock her down you’ll recede back into the ocean

Leaving her with sandy beach bottoms?

Does she know what you’re going to do once you get bored with her?

Or will you claim that after dealing with me you’re a changed man?

And that because of me you’ve learned your lesson and have become a better man?

Because God forbid you hurt her like you hurt me

I never realized
how bruised my body was
until the day you left.

I loved boys with sunken in chests

Because their hearts were made too small.

I loved boys with sharp teeth

Just so they could sink them into my neck.

(I loved bloodthirsty boys)

(With no mothers)

(So they wouldn’t know how to love me.)

I loved heartbroken boys

With no fathers

So they wouldn’t know how to abuse me.

I loved boys with scarred chests

Afraid to open up

Because it would take a surgeon to stitch them back together

Boy believe me,

I love you

But that isn’t enough

I was never in love with you

I was in love with sleeping next you

I was in love with the way your body felt curled up next to mine

to keep my body warm

because the nights are cold

but no matter how close you get to me

my heart will always be colder

and I’m sorry you couldn’t be more than a body to me

no one’s ever been able to thaw me out

I just wanted to taste you on my lips again.

And I thought just smoking one cigarette

Could get you addicted.

But darling,

I just got more addicted to you.

After we got our hearts broken more than a couple times
And we learned the darker sides of our personalities,
I finally realized I wanted to see more of you;
I wanted more of you
But we both knew
We’ll never let each other get to close
Because we knew ourselves so well
That we'll  just break each other down.
We're so good at hiding our hearts
That we forgot where we put them.

We wore our hearts on our sleeves the day we bumped into each other.
Maybe when we went to pick them back up,
We got them mixed up.
Maybe that’s why I can never come up
With a good reason to leave,
Because your heart wants back in your chest,
And I’m the one holding it.