I still avoid you in the hallways
To avoid all my inevitable nail biting
And stammering phrases

I remember how the hate coiled
In my intestines
Waiting to spring free
Out of my belly
But now the fire has subsided
And I smile and bit my lips

I still remember your birthday
And on any given day
I can recite all the late night messages you had sent me that I was too asleep to answer

And some nights I grew frantic with the knife
Trying to cut you out of my skin
That your fingerprints had so carefully engraved themselves on.

Other days I welcomed your curious stares
And our troubled conversations
Never once bringing up
How our pride had hurt each other
And how our lovesick past will always be in our minds

Another 24 hours and I go delusional
Holding your shadowed hand
And listening to your voice whisper sweet little lies in my ears.
But I hope your reality never becomes better than my imagination.

But you still avoid me in the hallways.

I forgot how much I loved the
Foreignness of a stranger's hands on me.
My waist, my arm, my ***
I felt every touch
Like an infrared light sensor
The heat from your hand
Stayed and glowed on
my arm, my breast, my thigh
It's fine though,
Nothing more.
I have a boyfriend,
And you have
A Fiance and a Baby on the way

You got a concussion and the doctors told you to stay away from me.
They said my blonde hair and blue eyes
Were too bright for your brain to heal itself properly.
You needed dark places
With the lights off.
The doctors told you to stay away from anything
That reminded you of me.
At least for a week.

I thought about the guy before you
How he told me he needed space
After all the darkness I had shown him.
It took him a week
To find someone brighter.

Like a drug addict
I've gone to rehab and rehab and rehab.
I've relapsed and relapsed and relapsed.
Like a drug addict
I've learned to survive
Without those chemicals mixing signals in my brain.
I've learned that I can get by
Without the nicotine, the alcohol, the ****, the *******.
I can get by
Without the little spike of adrenaline
I feel when I'm in the same room as them.

Like a drug addict,
I've learned to survive
When you are not in the room
I've learned to get by
without the spike of adrenaline
I feel when you get close enough to touch me

Like a drug addict
I went through withdrawals
Because the doctors say a psychological addiction
Is worse than a physical addiction.

Like a drug addict
My only name is anonymous
Unless it is accompanied by you.

I won’t give anyone else my heart
Because it’s only been broken once
And once is enough
When I know you won’t be coming back.

She wiped her hands clean

On the ***** dish rag

And threw out the empty bottle.

She said

“Oh well,”

And opened another.

You told me to write about us;
I told you I was already writing about renal failure.
I told you I could find a place to fit you in;
I can make our love sound like it's destroying us from the inside out

But truthfully,
It's so unhealthy when we're together;
I can slowly feel myself
Unraveling
And I know you feel it too.

Are we really that bad, that you have to refer to us as a failed *****?
I told you how it wasn't an insult.

Yet here I am slipping in metaphors about us anyways.

Sometimes I’m scared of the archangel
Because he looks so much like Lucifer
I’ve wondered how much he’s fallen from the grace
That God so much wanted him to have

Sometimes I lie in bed and overthink until my head hurts
Because I can’t stand to close my eyes
I’ve always wondered how much closer I am
Than from where I started yesterday

And its days like these
When all I can think about are the sins
I’ve committed
And all the pain I’ve caused

But sometimes I can’t help it.
Sometimes I  just
                              keep
                                       falling
Hoping someone will catch me
Sometimes I
                       keep
                                falling
Knowing no one will love me.
So I’ll just
                  keep
                           falling.

It was the summer of missed promises
And I tried so hard to make it up to you that year
But everything was different.
We couldn’t get back in the same rhythm
Because I’d hate to force it.

It was the summer of forgotten love letters
Because we never knew how to sign off.
They always ended up in empty desk drawers with “for sale” signs on them
Because we wanted them to be anonymous.

It was the summer of bonfires
And nostalgia
For a time when the only thing that made sense was your laugh and your hand in mine;
For a time when I had no idea what I really wanted,
Because all anybody’s given me was a broken heart.

It was the summer I dared to look in my high school yearbook;
Crisscrossed with scribbled writing
In everybody’s haste attempt to sum up the four years I hated most.
I read them with tears in my eyes
And I’m sorry for that-
I’m usually not like that; regretting everything that didn’t happen between us

It was summer of drunken nights
In small attempts to erase you from my mind
It was the summer I realized
I may never see you again.

I loved boys with sunken in chests

Because their hearts were made too small.

I loved boys with sharp teeth

Just so they could sink them into my neck.

(I loved bloodthirsty boys)

(With no mothers)

(So they wouldn’t know how to love me.)

I loved heartbroken boys

With no fathers

So they wouldn’t know how to abuse me.

I loved boys with scarred chests

Afraid to open up

Because it would take a surgeon to stitch them back together

Boy believe me,

I love you

But that isn’t enough

I.
I remember the first day I met you
At that stupid gas station.
I remember it was raining and
You said you hated pumping other people’s gas.

II.
You kissed me
And I fell
Hard.

III.
I put the note under your door
Hoping you wouldn’t be home.
I didn’t feel like knocking;
I didn’t want you to answer.

IV.
You told me you cried
When I left.
I cried
When I realized
I didn’t deserve you.

I'm sorry.
I've written this out a thousand different ways
and all I have is a pencil sharpened down to the end
and a paper filled with holes
from erasing too much.

I'm sorry.
I cause problems.
I know.
But all I keep thinking is:
"What if I was enough to make you stay."

After we got our hearts broken more than a couple times
And we learned the darker sides of our personalities,
I finally realized I wanted to see more of you;
I wanted more of you
But we both knew
We’ll never let each other get to close
Because we knew ourselves so well
That we'll  just break each other down.
We're so good at hiding our hearts
That we forgot where we put them.

We wore our hearts on our sleeves the day we bumped into each other.
Maybe when we went to pick them back up,
We got them mixed up.
Maybe that’s why I can never come up
With a good reason to leave,
Because your heart wants back in your chest,
And I’m the one holding it.

I know you want to be independent
and make yourself happy, but
I want this to be a partnership;
we both make each other happy
but we don't need each other to be happy.

I felt the burn on my tongue
As I kissed your fingertips
to ease the pain.
I guess that’s what we are
You’re my fire
And I’m your propane

You told me to write this down
So I did.
It was the first thing you ever wanted to be permanent.

But a year later I found out you had scribbled it out
With a black Sharpie.

Now I’m left wondering just how permanent words are.

Where my heart isn't breaking
This place where a muse is constant
And the muse is you

I've missed this place,
Where calm and ease are synonymous with your smile and
The gleam in your eyes when they cross paths with mine.

I've missed this place
Where I let myself feel the warmth of your skin
And relish in how it warms my heart

I've missed this place,
This place I didn't realize I left
I missed this place
The place where I let myself love you.

I wanna be half-drunk on your bed with your arms around me as you listen to me talk about stupid things that make no sense. Please understand you make me feel safer than I've ever felt. So I’m sorry if I have to hold onto your hand the whole night just to prove to myself that you are real.

But I guess I’ll make do with my own bed. Cuddled under my own blankets wishing you here.

It’s 2 am
And the walls scare me
Because the shadows don’t look like me
And the moon is a piece of cheese
That is too bright.

It’s 2am
And the ink spills
And my hands are witness to the tragedy
The Dawn helps
But can’t get back what I’ve already lost

It’s 2am
And I close my eyes
Hoping for some peace
From my ravaged thoughts

I get shaken awake
By my mind reminding me of all the words
I haven’t written down yet

And suddenly
It’s 3am
And I write
C
O
C
O
O
N
With shaking hands.

I stared at the letters
That can start life again
Willing them to transform
Transform into some beautiful 2 winged creature.

I begged it to leave
This 4-wall enclosure
Because protection is only an idea

The walls are daring me to knock them down
Like the dominoes I secretly keep under my bed

It’s 4am
And the words are pouring out of my mind
But my pen can’t keep up.
I am drowning.

Me and you
We're alike.
The way we keep our hearts chained in our chests
So no one has a chance to break them.
Because there were the boys who crawled into our rib cages
And figured out the quickest way to squeeze all the red out of our love.

For you,
It was the boy with the fish-hook smile,
Who you let hold your hand
While he spoon-fed you lies.
And once he got bored with his own fabrications
He reeled himself up,
And left you with watery lungs
Now you chase after boys
while you wear that same smile
Hoping that
"maybe this time I'll learn my lesson,"
Because now you know how to change the hook on your line.

For me,
It was the boy who lost his heart
Long before he could give it.
And I realized that giving him mine
Wouldn't give him feeling in his empty chest.
It would just make mine emptier.
Now when boys leave after
I've taken too long to make up my mind
They say I'm heartless
And I agree.

After awhile,
Girls like us stopped hiding their hearts in our chests.
Instead we hid them in castles
Because we knew no one would look for them there.

You told me
Dreaming only gets you so far
Putting your words to actions will take you the rest of the way.

You told me
I had to close my eyes
Imagine what I want
Put a bulls-eye on it and aim.

He told me
He's willing to fight for what he wants
And that bulls-eye is on me

I told him,
*Sometimes bulls-eye's move, darling

Truth: the heart has no ******* clue what it wants

A dream about all the things you never told me
Leaving me wondering if I mean anything to you
When I wake up

The one thing I always hated about myself
Is that I don’t know how to start things
But once I do I don’t know how to stop them.

You enter freshman year with the confidence of something new
And by sophomore year you lose some of it until
Senior year you’re nothing.
Waiting to start over to pretend that you’re happy again.

Short on time
Short on love
Maybe even short on friends
Short on patience
Short on
Maybe just short on distractions
From your own life.
Maybe you’re just too short to reach the cabinets.
Under-promised instead of overcompensated.

Every day I tally my days in this jail cell
Counting the days I’ve been in this solitude
Counting the days ‘til I’ll be set free
I’ve been seeing angels on the walls and devils in my brains

Counting the days I’ve been in this solitude
I’ve counted my fingers so many times it’s no longer ten
I’ve been seeing devils on the walls and angels in my brains
And the flowers I’ve planted grow from this concrete flooring

I’ve counted my fingers so many times it’s no longer eleven
But the guards lost my key; and the only escape
Are the flowers that grow from this concrete flooring
So I drown them in the thoughts I see.

The guards lost my key, and my only escape
Is lost in my insanity.
And I drown myself in the thoughts I see
Still wondering when I’ll be set free

I’m lost in this insanity
Counting the days I’ve been in this solitude
Still wondering when I’ll be set free
And tallying my days I’ve spent in this jail cell.

I remember the 2am nights
That I miscalculated in trying to see the sunset
But the ink ran off the page.

I went outside and prayed to the Moon
That the pen won’t take my life by the time the Sun sets again.
Then I went inside to rewrite the words covering the trashcan
Until I felt the Sun pat me on the shoulder
Congratulating me.

I spent the day
Scrubbing the wall, floors, myself

The evening Sun told me I was almost there
I was almost cured
Then she frowned at
The new paper I found
And the feather and ink I conjured.

Then I smiled and showed
Her the written words
I tattooed on my chest
“I am the madness in your eyes.”
The Sunset gasped and fainted
As the Moon went to catch her

Then I found myself again
At 2am.
Writing on my last piece of paper;
Waiting for the Sun to rise.

I.
I'm tired of being reminded
Of all the places you've touched.
I'm scared of looking in the mirror,
Because I'm scared I'm going to see all the marks you've left.
You've scarred my body
And I'm the only one who can see it

II.
My anger burns up these walls
And the floors are cracked
Because my spine has sunken so far into it
You said you wanted to ruin me,
Darling you just ruined the walls all around me.

III.
I used to write all the time
And I don't know if you took up too much of my time
To pick up a pen
But the second you left
I couldn't breathe without writing about how painful it was.

You always expected my late night messages
that begged for you to wake up
because I couldn't sleep
and I was terrified
of being in
bed all
alone.

Write me a story

Where there’s good and bad.

Write me a story

Using only the beautiful words in your head.

Write me a story

About love and lust

And how to differentiate between the two.

Write me a story

Short and Sweet

About the time you fell for me

And I for you.

Write me a story

That will make me fall in love with flaws,

Then write me a story

That will make me lust after perfection.

Write me a story about the time you got your heart broken for the first time

And you’ve never felt right since.

Write me a story

About what you’ve learned.

Write me a story

in smeared red ink

Tell me how it’s a metaphor

Because red is the color of love

Yet also of pain.

Write me a story

About your shift in feelings

From her to me.

Write me a story

About all the mistakes you’ve made

And all the ones you plan on making.

Write me a story

About when you lost yourself

Then found yourself.

Write me a story

Where there’s a hero

And the villain lies within himself.

Finish the story.

Tell me how he saved himself.

The soft grains covered our feet in a sandy embrace
While the water lapped at our feet.
To get to the shores edge it used to be a race
But now it’s a leisure hand-in-hand walk from our street.
We watched the blue dusk turn soft orange as the sun set
The waves crashed violently against the shore
As the sand and salt water collided and met.
All we wanted was happiness or maybe something more
But you grew restless
And threw your sandals to the sand
I knew what you were doing wasn’t aimless
As you bent over to write our names by hand
Grouped them in a circle and made a simple plea
That the ocean would slowly take our names out to sea

I just wanted to taste you on my lips again.

And I thought just smoking one cigarette

Could get you addicted.

But darling,

I just got more addicted to you.

Your words tuck me into bed
Like a child’s lullaby.
But the ocean waves crash into me
As soon as I close my eyes.
There’s a storm here
In my head
As soon as the lights go out.
The tide goes high
And I’m lost out at sea once again.

I’m sorry.

I realized I never

kissed you goodbye this morning;

I thought I was coming right

back. I am so sorry.

I miss your lips.

a year ago
we were talking about my (then recent) breakup

He's such a poison it's not even funny

today i finally realized you weren't talking about my ex.
you were talking about the boy with the curly hair and dark brown eyes sitting across from me:
the one i just confessed my love to.

poem lines that read
i love you
i love you
i love you
because those are the only important words
that a poem for you should ever read.

You knew me when
I came to you,
Drunk in the middle of the morning
Begging for forgiveness
Because from all my mistakes
You’re the only one who could make me forget them

You knew me when
We would sit on my front porch
And I would read a book.
You hated the silence
Because you were so uncomfortable around me

You knew me
The first time you cried around me
And I didn’t know what to do
Sympathy wasn’t my forte
And you realized I didn’t fit into the stereotype.

You knew me when
When I left.
Because the only reason I couldn’t stay
Was because I wasn’t strong enough
But you knew that I was stronger than you
And you could lift over 100 pounds.
It wasn’t cowardice I was running from
I was running towards a new beginning
Because you knew I hated staying in one place for too long

You knew me when
I didn’t even know myself
And I couldn’t stand to look at myself
Because I couldn’t stand to look at you.
I got mad
And you let me
Because you knew it was only the distance
That was killing me

You knew me when
I first said
“I love you.”
And you knew
I meant it.

I am an independent person,
I am not an add-on to your life.
I am an independent person,
I cannot have my freedom taken from me.
I am an independent person,
I will be who I want to be.
I am an independent person,
You cannot tell me,
What I can and cannot be.

I am a collection of the people I have left

my poor broken-hearted boy
you search for love
from the one person who can't give it.
Me.

It makes me a little nervous
To not know your name.
But I guess your face
Will always be engraved in my brain.
You were the boy with the football
With the fame in your eyes at 2am.
And that's where your life will begin
And mine will end

What would be the outcome of us?
If I broke your heart
And you broke mine?
Who's to say that everything will be fine?

I'm dying for approval in this empty auditorium
I'm dying for affection
In this rotting jail cell
I'm reaching for you when
I've already hit this brick wall

There's nothing left of me at all

How am I supposed to tell her,
"Yeah it turns out I do have feelings.
And it turns out they're with the boy you just ******" ?

Even though I was the burning flame
You were still my only light.

This is not a poem
And this isn’t poetry.
This is my shaking heads
And blubbering thoughts as the tears stream down my cheeks

Because sadness is more relatable
Than my happiest days

I know we’ve never been good at this
Telling each other how we really feel
Because in our hearts we know
That we both know the answer to that question
I can tell when something is wrong before you even set foot in the room
And I know you’re probably too scared to admit that
But know that I would do anything for you
And I know you would do anything for me
But what can we do
When we’re miles apart
And the letters on these pages won’t change that

I know every time you pick up the phone you want to call me
I’m always the first thing on your mind when you’re alone
When no one cares for you,
You care for me
I don’t understand why you come around;
Why you wanna make me want you
When you don’t even want yourself.

The soft grains covered our feet in a sandy embrace
While the water lapped at our feet
You threw your sandals to the sand
And bent over to write our names by hand
Grouped them in a circle and made a simple plea
That the ocean would slowly take our names out to sea