They keep saying that it'll be alright,
that I should be happy to be in love.

That distance doesn't matter,
Because love doesn't know miles.

That the loneliness and aching for you will go way,
but when?

And here I am.
laying in an empty bed,
craving for a warmth
a heater couldn't give.

And here I am sitting in English class
trying to listen to a book being read,
but all I can think of is our story,
the life I built for us in my mind

the only love I've ever known
is 287 miles away from me
and all I can do is miss you
and hope that one day soon
I will get to say, "I'm home."

My eyes are sore,
and I wish I could have done more.
                My body feels numb,
                And I wish the tears would just come.
                                       My life is in a constant whirl,
                                      And I wish I could have given you the world.
                                                        Every second my heart breaks,
                                                       And I wish my mind wouldn't ache.
                                    I haven't gotten more then three hours of sleep in two weeks,
                                   And I wish I could sleep instead of wiping tears off my cheeks.

It's 1:24 am on a Tuesday, and I haven't stopped smiling. Even 287 miles away,
You make me happier than anything ever has. And I know that love has no distance,
because it's been almost a month since the last time I saw you and I have stayed up every night thinking about you and I swear to god everyday I find one more little thing I love about you and I fall more in love with you.
I am laying here thinking about all the ways to tell you I love you and all the ways I can show you. I'm thinking about our first kiss and the first time I realized I was in love with you. I'm thinking of the first time I got to sleep in your arms and all the times you made me so happy I cried. I love you so much and this is so hard because I see my friends with the people they love and all I can do is send you a text saying I love you but I won't even say I miss you because I am scared you'll think I am not okay with waiting and if I lost you now, I'd be so ruined. But I miss you so much and it is so hard to wait but it'd be so much harder if I just never saw you again. If all these memories turned into bitter ones and if I had to go from thinking your name and smiling to trying to drown you from my mind with whatever worked, I wouldn't be able to smile anymore. All those cheesy love songs that make me think about you or those ****** love poems I wrote about you would just make me hate myself because I lost the only person who was able to make me happy. I never thought I could miss someone this much, and oh my god, it hurts so bad and sometimes I can't sleep at night because my bed feels so empty and cold without you here to hold me in it, but I'd never give this up. I'd wait another month, hell I'd wait a year if I had to because I swear to god that you're the one and I'd have to be an idiot to give someone as amazing as you up.

And the times when I have to let go of your hand,
when I have to say goodbye
are the hardest.

I am so tired of having to walk to my house,
not knowing if I'll see in again
in one month or two.

I just want to fast forward to when goodbyes aren't a thing.
I want to fall asleep in your arms
and wake up in them.

I hate the way my heart sinks,
as I watch your car drive away
time after time.

I just want to lay in your arms

I hate that the only time I hear your voice,
it's through a phone or in my memory. I hate dreaming about sleeping in your arms
instead of actually doing it. I hate hearing people say long distance doesn't last
because it's been months and I pray to whatever God there is that this will last. I hate waiting weeks on end to see you and it only be for a handful of hours. I hate going to the places we've been and imagining seeing you there, sitting in the spot we first kissed.
I hate that I break down at night because I miss you.
*I really, really miss you.

I always thought I had a horrific way with words, but put a pen in my hand and I'll write feelings I bottled up since a child.
I can't tell you why I love you with spoken words, but I have written endless late night poems just about how much I love your eyes.
I can't focus on repetitive work that is done in a math class for 30 minutes, but I'd sign up for a 3 hour English class in a heart beat.
I don't think all writers are sad, and always have some deeper meaning to everything they say, some are metaphoric, and some like to be blunt.
I, myself tend to use metaphors rather than being blunt because they sound so much better in my opinion.
I think everything sounds more meaning full in a stanza rather than a paragraph, and a book sometimes means more than a movie.
I guess I'm just a writer.

Your lips pressed softly to mine,
and I swear to god the world stopped.
My heart beat faster,
and my mind went blank.

Months later,
Your hands traced the curve of my back,
and it caused shivers up my spine.
My heart skipped a beat,
and my mind was flooded with thoughts of you.

You held my hand everywhere we went,
and I knew that I was in love.
My heart swelled with happiness,
and my mind couldn't focus on anything but you.

You held me when we watched films,
and I began to crave your arms around me.
My heart longed for you,
and my mind thought of nothing but being in your arms.

You have my heart in your hands,
and have taken over my mind.

So many times I tried to convince myself you actually might have cared and you didn't just use me and throw me out like worthless trash. For so long I was fooled by those beautiful **** blue eyes that used to make me smile but now makes my heart ache and my head hurt and my mind yell at me for being so foolish. I asked myself so many times how you can go from saying that you needed me, needed me or else you’d fall apart, to forgetting my name, acting as if it never slipped passed your lips, forgetting that I was the first person who stayed up with you late and night and went out of my way to wipe away your tears...were those tears even **** real or where they a way of getting me to actually believe you cared. Those late nights I stayed up worrying whether or not you were okay. God, I lost so much sleep wondering about you.
I tell others who ask that I hate you and that I don’t care that you’re gone from my life, but there are nights I look down and remember how nice to was to have someone who was always, always there. How I felt special that you chose me to be the person that you’d tell all your secrets too and the first person you’d come to when you needed advice.
But now you go on with your life without even spending one second thinking about me. You go on day after day without having me cross your mind while it's been seven months since we talked and just last night I was up till 2AM on a Sunday night thinking about you and wanting to rip out my own beating heart for caring about you for so long after you long since forgot I even exist.
I tell myself daily that I hate you more than anyone, but I know that I'd forgive you in a heartbeat.

Is it part of my past if I can't quite get rid of it?
past
adj.
gone in time and no longer existing
So maybe all of the things that I thought were done with,
are part of my present,
present
noun.
the period of time now occurring.
Still able to show up at any moment and remind me that it never truly left;
only decided to give me a break for a while.
Maybe I am pitted against myself in the most dangerous way possible.
Taking myself to the breaking point,
but never going past it, because it's always funner the longer it goes on.
When will the low hit? Will the low hit?
Is it more fun to watch myself panic during the night wondering how things will fall apart, always walking on broken glass because even a small cut in the fabric would mean being torn to shreds. The ends being pulled until I am finally undone. Until I am finally done.

It's been a year since I had a drink,
but three months since I had a cigarette

Each day I feel myself slowly fading away,
and I am scared I'll end up slipping back into my old ways.

The panic attacks at night come back,
and all I need is a way to rant.

I turn the music on full volume,
because I need something louder than the voices in my head.

I stare at my bedroom walls till past 2a.m on a school night,
I blame insomnia, but my mind is the reason why.

I can't stop myself from thinking back to when I actually slept at night,
and when my hands didn't shake all day long,

I feel like I am just a pair of eyes,
watching as the world goes by.

I am just a bystander,
while everyone keeps moving.

I started to feel nothing again,
letting things go on while I stood still.

I hide everything away and have the appearance of not caring about a lot of things,
yet I stay up all night and wonder what is wrong with me as I  rip apart every second of my past, remembering that I don’t know the last time I was happy, and I destroy myself in the process of thinking.
I stare blankly everyday in a crowded classroom tucked into the back seat, listening to music because the silence causes me to panic and stress myself out over the future because how can I know what I want to do if sometimes my only thought is when I’ll die and yet while I don’t believe in a Heaven and sometimes feel as if I’m already in Hell, I am scared of what will happen after I die because what if Heaven is real and those thousands of times I lied and said I was okay when I was so depressed I felt like my chest was caving in and I couldn’t even tell if I was breathing or said I wasn’t hungry as I tried to steady myself from passing out because I haven’t had so much as an apple since last week, all add up and I end up going to some place worse than here?
And recently I’ve convinced myself that feeling absolutely nothing is better than feeling anything at all. I don’t know if I’m better, worse, or settling for middle ground as I wait until the end of the line. Some nights I’ll allow myself to feel and I’ll panic because I’ve lost so much and so many people just use me, and it is so heart breaking to constantly be the person everyone uses. I feel like an old cigarette that is used to temporarily calm someone down, but they aren’t even a smoker and I wasn’t an addiction, just a phase. Yet,  I was their 4 a.m and sometimes 4p.m and what they didn’t know was I am a smoker and I was so addicted; I never intended to stop. I was ready to die from corroded, blackened lungs. Now I stay up till way past 4a.m going through the physical pain that comes along with withdrawal and the ache in my head is nothing compared to the ache in my chest that has me so broken down I couldn’t even stand up if I tried and I cry so hard it makes the pain in my head worse and some nights I worry that my head will explode.
The next day I go to school and I’m numb, I don’t feel anything for days, sometimes weeks, until one of those nights happens again. I’ve found comfort in feeling nothing and I’ve mastered the art of shutting everyone out and no one takes the time to take a second glance.
Maybe I don’t want them to ask questions, or maybe being used so much has made me completely horrified to even let someone know my name, let alone anything.
I don’t want to feel anything with anyone because I become so addicted to the euphoric high I get when I think someone cares just for them to treat me like a cigarette once again, as they throw me away without even thinking about it, stepping on me to make sure that my light is completely gone.
I’ve decided that feeling nothing at all is the place I am most comfortable, replying on the few people that make me happy. And even though I don’t believe in a god,  I pray every night they won’t throw me away like everyone else because no matter how good I am at fooling everyone else, I can’t keep lying to myself and no matter how good I am at feeling nothing, some nights I feel every little thing and I need someone to keep me sane because at 2a.m on a Tuesday night I drive myself to the point of insanity and if I didn’t have someone to hold me up, I’d drown myself and I don’t know if I’d be able to come back up for air on my own.

And at night I can't stop myself from thinking back to when I didn't have a panic attack nearly every night.
To when I honestly believed that my future was bright
To when I didn't count calories and wish I was just skin and bone
To when I didn't have shaky hands and my palms didn't get sweaty by simply walking into a classroom alone.

But now at night I lay on my bed
Trying to escape the things in my head

And I can't sleep at night anymore because I swear to god the sheets still smell like you even though I bought new ones last week.
My mind is burns with the memory of your eyes when you used to look at me, and say you loved me.
Your smile was so lovely, just like those lies you told me when we would lay in the darkness.

Flowers are picked

Buttons are clicked

Strings are twisted

Names are listed

Leaves are falling

People are calling

s ilent voices
u nderneath my skin
i n a dark world it
c aptures the weak
i t takes us away
d rowns our bones
e nding our nightmare