a part of you still exists somewhere in me
maybe that's the curse of the first love
gone but not forgotten
blocked but still soul tied

i wonder if you still feel it too
or if i just can't let go

staring at your name;
seeing it on my screen
for the first time in years

trying to find a different name
than the one i was reading

i had always been skeptical
about resurrection,
tonight you proved it true

dreaming of your embrace,
blind to the sight
of the inevitable burns
you have been cursed with
through my touch.

we love like the sun
and the moon.
a beautifully
hopeful love;
a despicably
fruitless fate.

cadence cadence cadence cadence
cadence cadence cadence.

rhythm rhythm rhythm rhythm
rhythm rhythm rhythm.

patience patience patience patience
patience patience patience.

hidden hidden hidden hidden
hidden hidden hidden.

you've left me for good
though you'll never be gone

in my head there lies
a collection of unfinished poetries.
my writings aren't finished because
experience is endless.
heartbreak and sorrow
or growth and prosperity,
my soul changes every day
and so do my stories.

in front of the tree, the leaves look bland;
a full tree with no purpose.

underneath the tree, the light shines onto your feet.
through the leaves and spaces between them
pour marvelous shades of green, red, and yellow.

differing in intensity, the once thought as a bland tree is
remarkably deep and varying.
encapsulating your eyes in a world of color,
you see the purpose growing from its branches.

with every blow of the wind,
the tree shivers in the cold air
dropping more and more pieces of natural confetti
into the sea of autumn you're left to swim in.

silent whispers fill my head
though all of their voices are the same:
yours.
gentle endearments tingle through my ears
walking to my car, the wind wraps its arms around me
and for a passing moment i feel your fingertips on my skin.
the sun is blinding, and in the glare i see
the reflection of me in your eyes.
a dark cloud rolls by and suddenly
its pouring
standing alone in the dark parking lot
unable to distinguish tears from falling rain.
jumping over puddles feels like crashing through waves
in the midst of an evil winter storm.
inside my car is freezing
parallel to the memories i share with you.

temporary fulfillment for lifelong emptiness
though we all seek further satisfaction
knowing it won't last
satisfaction cannot be trapped-
nor held by lock and key
our knuckles turn white
due to our lack of willingness to let go

you invite me into your heart
give me a warm welcome

lead me through the foyer
and show me around

but it all feels familiar
i think ive been here before

there is familiarity in abstraction
but only visible to those
who have trained themselves to see the truth

i think of you mistakenly
i pray you lay awake and see
our future , us together
for always and eternity

a darkness does welcome me into a world of the unknown. its hands bound so tightly around my fragile wrists, they snap with grace and ease, painlessly. whilst dragging me too quickly for me to catch my step, its hands move to my shoulders, tautening its grip with unspeakable force. i feel the crush of my once in-tact bones.  fear growing inside me, the anxiety ridden heat bubbling its way from my stomach to my throat. exiting silently, my mouth wider than my eyes, i cannot voice my wishing for it to stop. in my ear is an unmistakably familiar voice assuring me of my fate. she tells me i will not escape, for this is an eternal hell ive become infected with. hell, a sickness? rather than a place for the ******? the skin on my knees has taken a leave of absence. permanently, perhaps. the sensation of rock filing against my poor, young bones should feel as a fire eating at my body. howbeit, i feel nothing. is it so-? is this is not a dream, my unconsciousness protecting me from the torture i do endure as we speak?

you are a magnet
drawing me in when i get within a certain proximity
pulling away has never fallen inferior to the most difficult of tasks

inching closer
every day
first its eye contact from across the room
then we make it a point to walk past each other
knowing the other will notice
eventually we are making small talk
which leads to bigger talk
which leads to
the
talk.

the talk that neither of us want to have
but need to have
it hasnt come yet, but it will
soon enough

i wake up and i dont miss you
or wish you
were here

i get in my car and i don't feel
the heel
of your hand on my cheek

i read my old poems and i'm not in love
like i was
before this

who knew i'd be okay
everyday
without you , dear ?

i am no longer ,
erase me from your mind.
be happy with her ,
in time i'll be fine.
sacrificing my happiness
for the sake of your own ,
it takes strength
but it's proof that i've grown.
shall we meet again ,
maybe things will have changed.
though until then ,
we must be estranged.

sweet words flow from your mouth
forming a river that i drown in.
with each gasp for air,
in comes more water.
yet your diction is so pure
that i begin to appreciate the liquid
disrupting my breathing.

my heart is continuously transitioning from an icy blue to a happier and fuller sister of red: yellow.
not just any old yellow, but the one that makes your heart rate steady; the soft one. the yellow that lays you down in a field of luscious pink flowers beneath a baby blue sky sprinkled with dusty white cotton ball clouds. she may have even packed a picnic of painfully sweet fruits and a bottle of crisp rosé bubbly. she's the yellow that smells of warm, clean air, and is comfortably cold in your lungs as you gently inhale the heavens, and exhale the weight of the world.
the yellow that feels familiar in all sorts of ways, but you cant quite tell what it is. she can wrap you in her arms as you cry, wiping away the salty stains left by twofold tears as they fell from your harp strings of eyelashes.
come, place your hand over my heart and let me transfer waves of my color to you.

my feet are the brains of this chase
numb and blistered and calloused and bleeding
the skin on my shoe-less heels ran raw
made visible to brandish my journey
from one end of your heart to the other

douse me in gasoline,
the liquid to fuel my passion.
strike a match upon my skin,
ignite the flame that was once within me.
warm me up,
feeling cold is getting old.

should you be there, dreaming of me too,
i hope youre dreaming of the soft clouds of kisses we shared
and the sweet perfume of my nervousness.
i hope youre dreaming of the moments where it was just us two,
the surrounding world drowned out by the beating of our hearts and dull whispers of unwritten love stories.
should you be there, dreaming of me too,
i hope youre dreaming of the electrifying touch of our fingers, hands, minds, and souls.
i hope youre dreaming of the comfort and safety we found in one another, feeling at home as long as we were together.

my hand trails the surface
of the empty spot in my bed,
aching for your chest to be beneath my touch.
my fingers clench the sheet,
making it crumple the same way your t-shirt would.
my hand floats to the pillow <your cheek>
not letting my fingertips escape the flow of movement
up the bed <your collarbone, your neck>
my thumb grazes the corner of the pillow
and i cant help but mistake it for your jaw.
gently caressing the lump of manufactured cotton,
i can see you looking down at me with those sleepy eyes
which i do so adore.
my leg finds its way around my body pillow <your leg>
and they <we>  are entangled.
imitating warmth and comfort
and making up for the what-could-have-beens,
my bedside knows only the truth of my loneliness.
christmas lights gleaming at the sight of my yearning
like smiles from sad stars.
the clock on my nightstand ticks and tocks,
reminding me of missed opportunities and wasted time.
the ceiling fan wizzes away each sigh of desperation.

what difference would it make
if we all stayed silent ?
the words we speak
the sorrows we weep
they have no voice.
we fill the air with empty sound
contaminating our ears
listening to the noise
spilling from lying lips.

her walk makes me dream of
ripples in a pond
slow , gentle , liquefied motion
her arms sway
as they are the wind
that makes the water dance.

when i hear her laugh
my ears buzz with the sound
of her joy
crisp and clear,
but comforting
like the moment the sky
is full of thick white clouds
and the sun breaks through.

Look at  us
Cant you see we are in need of saving?
The dark eyes and tired smiles
Desperate for a hand to hold

Damaged
Broken thoughts and demented mindsets
Scared of the darkness that we roam unconsciously

Hear our cries
Listen to the words we weep
Our shouts of passion and anger
We deserve to be heard
             
 Misunderstood
Incapable of persuasion
They will not take our humanity into consideration
                        
Stripped
Torn away were our identities
Forced to conform to a world so unoriginal
                
Possessed
Taken hold by the evil
Of our minds
And the world
                          
Corrupt
We know no balance nor equality
Overthrown by predators

hey.
how are you?
i can tell you havent been doing the best lately.
you dont have to lie, i can see it in your face.
i know the pain and love and lies youve been through
and i know it hasnt been easy.
i know you want help.
and let me tell you
nobody knows you
and nobody can help you
the way i can.
im fully aware i havent been here for you these past few years
and im sorry about that.
i didnt know how to help.
but now, seeing how much the past couple weeks have
torn you apart
is tearing me apart.
im never going to let you down again.
you may not think or feel it,
but i love you.
hush hush, dont cry now !
those words can be hard to hear, im sorry.
lets get those tears wiped up.
see? all better.
as i was saying, youre going to prosper
and im going to help you through it
every step of the way.
you deserve to be happy
and you deserve to be loved
and we are going to work together to get you there, understand?

maybe people are meant
to fall in love
but not meant
to be together.

i was coming to terms with this
only to find out
we werent in love.
i was.
you never loved me
you didnt feel anything for me
you tried to,
but loving someone isnt something
you can make happen.

we always said we were meant to be, right?
soulmates
perfect for each other
you said our love was pure
and real
and unbreakable.
look at it now,
its shattered.

falling in love with you
was the easiest thing
ive ever done.
falling out of love
will be the hardest.

even the most beautiful roses
have thorns.
you find one you love
you care for it as though
it is your only child.
but despite how well
you treat your flower
one wrong move
and it ****** you.
it happens in an instant.
before you can even
recognize your mistake
youre bleeding.
blood trickles down the stem
and it stains the leaves
as a constant reminder
of the time your beloved rose
hurt you.

i used to never kiss you
with my eyes closed
because you felt like a dream
and i feared you'd be gone
by the time i opened them

some say
they do not belong
to a person
to an object
to a place
or to anything.
i,
however,
belong to the world.
she
[the world]
that has taught me
who i am
who i want to be
and who i do not want to be.
i am a product
of perfect successes
and miserable failures
[for i have been built by both]
i am the difference between
mistakes made
and plain ignorance.
i belong to the world
that continuously shows me
evil and terror and hatred
and love and care and compassion.
she has raised me
to be a creation
of something taken for granted
and she is teaching me
to not follow in her footsteps.

he calls me
lumiere de ma vie
which means
light of my life
in the language
of love.
for me
he is the
docile light
melting through my window
making for the most beautiful morning.
he is the
warmth peering from behind
the darkest cloud
on a bone chilling day.
he is the
overwhelming feeling
of comfort in your skin
when the sunlight hits you
just flawlessly.
he is the
lumiere de ma vie.

if a feeling could be expressed
as a color
this one would be red.
my surroundings are glowing
a magnificent shade of crimson.
i am a steep
slippery *****
of lava
racing down the side of a volcano
leaving everything i touch
with my fiery energy
nothing but a memory
of happier
and more beautiful times.

drown me
in the molten liquid
that is my blood.

the atmosphere is scorching
the heat of your cruel intentions
spread like wildfire.
your dark
mysterious demeanor
draws me into bed.
and not straying from my
typical self
i am submissive
to the temperature.
the way it burns
leaves me begging for more.

the devil
is who you are.
malicious volition
that you circumvent
as an angel would.
which allows me
to disclose
im sleeping with the sweetest
of devils.

the day we met
you planted caterpillars in me.
every time we talked
those caterpillars grew
then cocooned
and eventually
they were butterflies.

i remember they always fluttered around
when i saw you
or heard your voice
or even heard your name.
it was a beautiful feeling, truly.
i felt light.

but those butterflies in my stomach
turned to wasps when you left.

now when i see you
or hear your voice
or even hear your name
those wasps start stinging
my head gets hot
my fists mold into grenades.

i wish you hadnt planted
those caterpillars in me
for everyday i get stung
and its all your fault.

youre the worst type of lover
to fall for.

you break hearts
before yours can be broken
because its less painful
to hurt others
than it is to be hurt.

you are saving yourself
from the torturous nights
and bone shattering mornings
going to sleep
and waking up alone.

my hands are shaking
even just typing this

you make me jittery
my mind is hyperactive
i cant focus on a **** thing

each thought lasts less than a second
bouncing back and forth
between topics

our relationship is bitter sweet
i may love the taste
but i hate the effects you have on me

once i finish the cup
youre gone
yet you linger in the worst ways

how do i stop this
how can i make it go away

i am desperate to get you out of my system

light up
take a puff
blow it out
gone with the wind
itll be fuzzy soon

push down and twist to open
snag a few
down the hatch
with a swig of that drink
you stole from your parents

open that bottle of drink
sip sip sip
oh it burns
but it burns so good
shh, youre starting to get woozy!

you learn
all those beautiful love poems
you read over and over
filling you with butterflies
weren't about you.
you are not the focus
of the poets affection.
you are not the one
giving them inspiration and spark
to bleed love onto paper.

and that's when it seeps
into the deepest parts of your skin.
crushing your bones
tearing your muscle
ripping you to shreds.

they say a broken heart
is a void
that needs to be refilled
in order to be repaired.
but darling ,
my broken heart isn't the void.
the void
is the space you occupied

our yellow mornings , aubades strung in the rising light.
our crystal cerulean afternoons , the sky clearer than our minds.
our byzantine evenings , we can smell the rain from inside.
our pure black nights , drowning in the heaving weight of our day.

now they are all seconds
seconds to minutes
minutes to hours
hours to days
days that drag me through and through
because i dont have
a reason to wake up
and be sanguine
for what the day
has in store for me
like i used to.

ive grown so dexterous
in veiling
my dismays
and despairs
that i can no longer
elucidate the difference
in healing
and in hiding
for it all feels the same.

today you dropped
a bomb on me.
you asked me
if i love you.
of course my answer
was fogged by hesitation
and stuttering
making my rebuttal clear.

i wanted to tell you
but i was so scared.
scared of unreciprocation
and rejection.
scared it would be too much for you
too overwhelming
and you would want to leave again.

the truth of the matter is
i am utterly
head over heels
in love with you.
there's not a thing in my mind
that tells me otherwise.

ive imagined a life without you
and lived a short one too
i hated it
you were the only thing
on my mind
every waking moment
and every sleeping one , too.
you wouldn't leave my head.

we all do things
we wish we hadn't.
it's part of human nature.

some people do things
and push it aside
and act like it didn't happen.
those people
never grow.

others own their mistakes
and make sure those affected
know how truly disappointed
in themselves they are
and how they wish they hadn't
made that mistake.
those people
deserve even the slightest respect
despite how royally they ****** up.
[call me the queen of england.]

it takes courage
to be your own tattletale
but it's more mature
and braver
than hiding from your wrong doings.

where were those words
when everything began falling apart?
they were supposed to keep us safe
but it's like we forgot how to speak.

when my therapist asked
if ive ever experienced
love
i saw your face
i felt your hands
i heard your voice.

but

when my therapist asked
if ive ever experienced
heartbreak
i saw your face
my hands went cold
my ears were ringing.

wild and violent and merciless and irrational and hard and strong and troubled and excited and loud and rough and sharp and controlling.

but soft and delicate and gentle and caring and tender and warm and compassionate and pleasing [oh so pleasing] and kind and pleasant and loveable.

these qualities go hand and hand, fitting perfectly with one another.
the perfect balance of black and white
evil and good
insanity and sanity
devil and angel.