staying up late , missing your voice.
wishing you hadnt made that choice.

the choice to leave , the choice to quit.
the choice that broke my mind a bit.

you gave me heaven then you took it back.
the only thing left was my heart that cracked.

had you tried , we couldve worked.
but you left , and it still hurts.

i know im no good and that im worthless.
theres nothing to do that could make it hurt less.

i sit here , head in my hands.
my mind rummaging through all our old plans.

you sit there, not caring my heart is in flames.
wondering whos the next player in your games.

it happened in a flash.
we didn't see it coming.
i wasn't expecting to fall so hard
so fast.
but you
oh , you
didn't fall.
you hardly even stumbled.
how unfair is that ,
that the one you fell for
hardly feels the same.
it hurts
it feels like i'm not worthy of being loved
it feels like youre just playing with me.
don't get me wrong,
i love being played with.
just not like this.
i can promise you will be long loved
but i'm scared we will be short lived.
there's only so much playing one can handle.

i am a bomb.
tick tick ticking.
i am neutral as of now
who knows when i'll explode
taking everyone near me out, too.

im so sorry for all the pain
i have brought upon you.
im so sorry for always making you worry.
im so sorry for never being stable.
i know its annoying when
you have to constantly check
and double check
and triple check
that im safe
and doing as well as can be.
i know the dry replies are hard to work around.
when i don't have the mental capacity
to hold a single ******* conversation.
"yeah"
"lol"
"ok"
its hard for me, too.

im so ******* scared of being alone.
i can hardly function with the support i have,
how the **** will i do it on my own?
the answer is simple :
i wont.

i will give up on myself
just as everyone else has.
i will collapse into the dirt
moldy and rotten
a corpse of empty emotion.
and nobody will dig me up.

eyes meet
heart fleets
hands sweat
words kept
knees weak
breath tweaks
tears swell
this rings a bell
mentally drained
emotional pain
voice quivers
flowers wither
sun goes dark
dogs don't bark
leaves stop falling
you stop calling
im alone
ive never shown
heart breaks
moved states
fresh start
fresh heart
now im gone
youre not moved on
cant be platonic
its quite ironic
more than just friends
trying us again
i fall back in love
feelings fly like a dove
you make me so scared
i'm never prepared
for what you could do
nonetheless i still want you

home is where i
feel safe.

home is where i
can cry
scream
punch
and kick
without fear
of judgement.

home is where i
can be who i am
and not worry about
having to be someone else.

home is where i
can express emotion
and not feel as a burden
for letting people
into my mind.

home is what i
think of
when i think of
comfort
and warmth.

home is what i
think of
when i think of
you.

he is the light
i see in the sky
while laying on a sandy blanket
at the beach
in the night.

he is the yellow and white
twinkle in space
that i wish to float in.

he is the radiant glimmer
of joy and love
you dont need a telescope to see
[if youre lucky]

he is my starboy.

my feet are tired
and my legs ache
and my chest is heaving
from all the running around
you have caused me.

the constant back and forth
is wearing me thin
and i dont want to run anymore
at least let me walk
and catch my breath
before making me sprint.

forwards.
backwards.
left.
right.
up.
down.

all these directions
i could choose,
but the only one
i want to go
is far
far away.

the most wonderous feeling
is realizing that maybe
just maybe
im not a *******
you just dont know
how to show me otherwise

id like to thank you
and my persistence
for helping me realize
what ive needed to realize
for so long.

because you showed me
you dont really care anymore
i am able to put myself
over you.

im not going to do things
do catch your attention
or make you think of me.
im not going to write
about the heartbreak
and heartache
you brought me.
im not going to listen
to those songs
and feel an empty space
[the space you used to fill]

i finally feel okay
with you being gone.
i feel a weight off of my shoulders.
i can finally move on
and find happiness
thats not with you.

there is a fire
burning the back of my throat
and it shows no signs
of being put out.

there is a racecar
doing laps in my head
and the driver can't hear
my cries
begging him to slow down.

there is a bull
trying desperately
to buck off his rider
in my stomach
but the rider is holding on tight.

my knuckles have turned white
from how tightly
i have clenched my fists.
thank god i trimmed my nails
if i hadn't,
droplets of blood
would be falling from my fingertips
leaving an artwork
of my mania
on the concrete.

i regret telling you my biggest fears,
you only used them against me in the end.

i search for you
in the places i know
i might find you.

seeing you
even after all this time
is going to break my heart
into a million more pieces,
but a wave of comfort
and warmth
will flood my mind
and body.
and i have been so cold lately.

i know i shouldnt
want to see you,
for i have worked too hard
trying to move on
to just stomp on all of my progress.
but i think the biggest reason
i want to see you
is so you can see me.

i may not be doing good
but i want our memories,
our wonderful,
exciting memories
to rush through you
and fill your heart with ice
so you can be cold
like i have been since you left.

that word
isnt something i have.
i was close
to actually doing it today
but i still get so nervous around you.
so i took it to my phone,
and let her do my ***** work.
its much easier that way.
less stressful and awkward, too.
im glad i did it.
i hope this can be the start
of something better.
i want better.

today marks the last day
i will ever hear your nails
sliding on the tile.
never again
will i step in the small droplets of water that would drip off of your chin after you drown your tongue in water.
never again
will i open the fridge
and feel your running
through the floor
trying to get what's inside.
never again
will i wake up to the smell of your breath
and the wetness of your mouth
all over my face.
never again
will i be able to sit and cry
and have you laying beside me
because you can tell when something's wrong.
never again
will i be able to grab you
by your big fluffy head
and tell you i love you.

i'm scared to drive home
and pull into my driveway
because i won't see your face through the small part of the window on the stairs you would always peek through.
i'm scared to walk through my front door after school,
because you won't be there to greet me.

mom and dad already put all of your toys in the garage.
they couldn't bear to do it today.
i don't blame them.

cancer is an awful ******* thing.
we treated you so well for these ten years,
we don't deserve to have you ripped away from us like this.
it's not ******* fair.

but now you can run as fast and long as you want.
go chase all the snakes we never let you chase in our backyard because we didn't want you stepping on the flowers.
go have fun up there, buddy.
rest easy.
i love you.

i got my sign,
my heart dropped at what i saw.
im not going to whine,
but youve left me in awe.

you are unpredictable,
i know that for a fact.
highly indictable,
yet you think im acting wack?

never in a million years
would i have expected this from you.
you must know im drowning in tears,
and my hearts in need of glue.

i miss you, sweetheart.
i miss everything you come with.
bit by bit it tears me apart,
my heartache aint a myth.

so yes, i want you back.
but please know i have changed.
my heart rid of the black,
i know the rules of the games.

im still the sweet, soft me
that i know you adored,
thats the part only youd see
but i guess you got bored.

i do agree,
this is a thing of the past.
but this time, you and me,
id try to make us last.

ive saved myself for you,
not letting anyone close.
because its no question who
i still love the most.

why wont you let me move on?
is it because you dont want me to?
you dont want me to find happiness
with someone else?
or are you just plain sadistic,
forcing this pain on me?

every time i think i can breathe,
there you are again
with your hands around my neck
cutting off my oxygen supply
making me lightheaded.

every time i try to move,
i realize my arms and legs have been tied down
and there you stand
taunting me at the end of the bed.

why do you have to be so cruel to me?
its probably because you know i live for the pain.

what if this is all just one big act?
what if you dont actually feel what you write,
causing me to look a fool
by believing the lies you are spooning into my mouth.
please tell me im wrong.
please tell me you truly feel how you say you do.
please tell me i meant
or mean
something to you.
i hate having to figure it out on my own.
i need to be reassured.
these past few days have been ******* hell for me.
everyday i find something else that makes me need you more.
i cant keep this up.
i hope you cant either.
i know its wrong of me to want you like this
trust me, im trying to change it.
but i cant.
youve proven to me that you are what i need.
pardon my french
but ******* for being so **** near perfect in so many ways.
i dont believe in him,
but ive been praying to god for a sign.
a sign that maybe we can try again
and maybe it will be different.
please give me a sign.
i cant keep guessing.

ive caught myself
dreaming about your hands
and your lips
on my skin.
you are feeding me
your warmth.

the image of you
right there
next to me
is so vivid.
and your touch
feels so real.

but i wake up
and my bed is empty
and my body is cold.

i want
to fall back asleep
so maybe
i can feel your touch again.

even if it is
just a dream.

at this point
i'm getting tired
of not talking
(especially how we used to)

i want to feel
the energy
that your presence exudes.

i miss the excitement
that comes with
seeing your face
and hearing your voice.

what a strange thing it is
to feel as if someone is trying
to communicate with you
in the most uncommon
and particular ways.

maybe youre too scared
to face the reality
of what you did.

maybe youre more weak
than you make yourself
out to be.

whatever it may be,
i notice.
i can analyze
and interpret
and find the meanings
of everything.
dont think i wont know
its about me.

from my point of view
all of this would be so much easier
if you would just ******* talk to me.
the back and forth
the petty and childish posting
is unnecessary.

in all honesty
i want you to talk to me.
i want a civil relationship,
not all of
whatever you are trying to do.

until then,
"stay out of my way"
and let me be okay.
okey dokey, if you will.

imagine having an allergy
to your favorite fruit.

you never want to stop
eating it
because its your favorite
of every fruit
youve ever tried.
but every time you do
it is followed by
pain
and regret.

you take your medicine
to ease the reaction.
hopefully this is
the last time you taste it.

however
your favorite fruit
is addiciting
and that will never
ever change.

neither will your love
for your favorite fruit.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the soft pitter-patter
of rain hitting my window
but i cant stop thinking
about you.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the dark butterfly
fluttering about in my backyard
but i cant stop wishing
you were here with me.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
the crackle of the old record
i hear coming through the speaker
of my player
but i cant stop
replaying our conversations
in my head.

as i sit in my cold
dimly lit room
i try to focus on
everything
except you
but i cant
stop.

ive never trusted myself
enough to not rely
on anyone else
for my happiness

because of all the
pain
and loneliness
and abandonemt
that has been dropped on me
it makes me think
i am the problem.

ive learned to be alone.
ive learned how to curate
contentment.
ive learned the difference
between doing things for yourself
because you want to
and because you need to.

i dont want to need anyone,
but because of my past
its in my blood
and my mind
that i cannot function alone.

when i do start to need someone
and i attach myself to them,
they always leave me.
they make my trust
and reliability issues
go down the drain
all over again.

i know there will be times
when i need someone again
but im so scared of backtracking.
im so scared to just throw away
all of the progress i have made.

it is times like these when i miss you the most. late at night, sitting alone in my room, with nothing but a candle and my favorite book.

it is times like these two weeks ago when we would be discussing details of our days, or sharing any new artists or movies we had stumbled upon. we have always enjoyed the same kind of things.

that is quite possibly why is has been so hard for me to start to move on. every single thing i enjoy reminds me of you in some twisted, disconnected way. it could be a pair of jeans you once said fit me well, or the smell of freshly cut grass because your favorite color is green.

i often wonder if things remind you of me.
remember when i told you i despise the sound of a pen clicking?
i hope you see my face every time you click one open.
i hope memories fill your head, leaving you a cold and hollow body. i hope you feel as empty as you have caused me to feel.

you are such a poet, too. your way with words is enough to make me melt into your arms. that low growl of a whisper can put me to sleep, yet it simultaneously sends a wave of electricity racing through my veins, making my heart beat a thousand times a minute, and my lungs desperately try to catch an ounce of air.

it is times like these when i wish you hadnt left me clinging to your shadow. times like these, i wish you were here laying with me, hardly talking, listening to our favorite songs.

i recall the night you showed me that song like its a film i have watched every day since birth. i listened to it once, then twice, then for hours upon hours. i bawled my eyes out because it was such a sweet gesture, and nobody is ever sweet to me.

for a while you made me believe in love. you made me believe i wasnt as broken or damaged as i thought i was. but it was only for a little while. on the contrary, i never stopped giving you all the love i had, all the advice i had, all the stories i had, all the everything i had. maybe that is where i went wrong, putting my all into you when you were incapable of even giving me your full attention.

it is times like these when i realize how much i learned from you. i learned what it means to care about someone. what it means to put yourself through hell for someone. but i didnt learn those things by watching you. i learned those things by watching myself. you did teach me many other good things though. and thats what hurts the most.

all good things must come to and end.

i allow myself to wonder how you are,

but i cant bring myself to ask.

there is nothing like
a hot mug of tea
and a silent phone call
with the one you care about
and love most.

the tea flows past your lips,
over your tongue,
down your throat,
supplying endless warmth
throughout your body.

on your phone,
you see a dark screen.
from your speakers,
you hear a dim electrical static
and soft breathing.
you realize she fell asleep.

you let her rest
because she needs it.
she's had a rough day.

she feels so alone
in her hardly lit room,
but so comforted
being with you on the phone.
having you there for her
without physically being there.

it makes you a better person,
i think.
having the power
to support someone
in a time of need,
despite all the trouble
you have been going through yourself.

you push all of your problems aside
to help others.
that is what helps you the most,
being able to make others feel good.
because you don't feel good
until the people around you
do too.

i may be bitter,
but you still taste like candy to me.

my heart is stuck in the hands
of someone not worthy
of holding such a fragile part of me.

it has been broken,
crushed between their fingers,
yet i still let them carry the pieces
because i dont have the strength
to do it on my own anymore.

being alone for so long
is so tiring
that even the filthiest hands
look as though they were designed
to carry diamonds.

the need
the want
the urge
to spread all the love that has been
building up inside me
grows so strong
that it blurs any sense of good judgement
i may have.

i gave all of my love to someone
that my mind knew would
only hurt me in the end,
but my heart still yearned for.

after a while,
they got tired of my love.
they moved onto their next victim
and did all the same things
i fell in love with
to someone that wasnt me.

their collection of hearts
continuously grows
larger
and larger.
eventually,
their hands are full of broken pieces.

i cant tell which are mine anymore.
and i will never
get those pieces of myself back.

i see you from across the room.
every word i want to say
immediately vacates my mind.

countless nights wasted away
planning my course of action.

'what tone of voice do i use?'
'am i allowed to use your name?'
'can i make eye contact?'

as i begin to saunter towards you,
i feel as though my feet are cinder blocks.
my hands have never shaken so indomitably.
my lungs are pumping air i cant breathe.

everything is moving so slow,
yet before i know it,
your name escapes from between my lips so effortlessly,
like ive never stopped saying it.

but the moment you looked up
and your eyes met mine,
all of the lust,
love,
pain,
and loss
you had once implanted in me
flooded my heart.
i am nearly drowning.

my voice is quivering
and tears are swelling in my eyes.
yet somehow,
in some such way,
my head is clear.
i know what i want to profess to you.

the words pour out of my mouth
like a child spilling a drink.
there is no pause,
no break,
it all comes out at once.
everything i have wanted to,
needed to
get off of my chest
for much too long of a time
to be healthy.

you feel so distant.
so disconnected
as if i never meant a thing to you.
i can see it in your eyes, though.
the guilt is wearing you thin.
youve always been good at suppressing emotions
you dont want others to see.

i say my final few words
and you dont say a thing.
you stand there,
a stone cold boulder,
trying to not erode.
listening or not,
there you were
tarrying unbroken eye contact.

i turn away
instantaneously being able
to catch my breath.

i never realized how much closure means to me
until now.

my mind is a maze i can never seem to find the exit of.

constantly taking wrong turns made by my heart ,

going the wrong way ,

getting turned around.

you are stuck in my maze , too.

you are keeping me from finding the exit.

every step i take brings me closer to you ,

and farther from escaping.