so you wanted a rose tattoo
but you never got one
you thought eventually you would
but not now
you thought you had time

but you never got one
because eventually never came
and now meant ever
we thought you had time

you were in the hospital bed
chemo always keeping you company
but you knew that hospital bed wouldn't be there soon
and now you're in the clouds

my cousin wanted a tattoo
but she couldn't decide what to get
you told her just get one already
because life is too short to not do what you want

one week later
you were gone
we were broken
and you looked over all of us

my cousin listened to you
she got that tattoo
so that you're always with her
oh those angel wings

you wanted a rose tattoo
just on your ankle
but you never got it
because time ran out

you never got the chance
to truly do what you wanted
to be wild
and feel free

so I'm getting a rose tattoo
just on my ankle
because next summer
it will be 10 years

10 years ago
you told my cousin to live her life
10 years ago
your life was taken

so mom,
I'm getting a rose tattoo
with your birth date
going up along the stem

the stem will be dark green
with thorns
but the rose will be red
and fully bloomed

because you didn't have a great past
but i know you're free now
something rough
can become smooth

so i want a rose tattoo
and I'm getting it next summer
because 10 years ago
my mom didn't live out her life like she wanted
so i will for her

you said it was just a misunderstanding
but it wasn't
how could you say that
i understand perfectly what happened
why can't you

it was not a misunderstanding
i said no
i said stop
i cried
i yelled
i trembled
and i was in both physical and mental pain

but he didnt listen
he was forceful
and aggressive
and i couldnt wrap my head around what just happened
until several hours later

you found out the next day
and decided to come up with your own conclusions
but you won't listen to what actually happened

you ignore
and pretend its nothing
that it was a misunderstanding
and that i am okay

well i am not okay
it was not nothing
and its okay to not be okay
and its okay to have something going on in your life

but you weren't there for me
even though you tell everyone you were
she wouldn't be proud
and you know exactly who I'm talking about

she's looking over not just me
but you as well
and she's devastated

as well as i am

because it was not a misunderstanding
it was assault
it was ****
it was wrong

Dad,

       I told you about my friend who was *****
       I said she was only eighteen
       I said she was scared and didn't know who to talk to
       I told you she felt sad and unsafe
       "She was ***** by her manager"
       "He gave her an STD and doesn't know what to do"

       You told me she had it coming
       You told me she deserved it
       You called her a **** and a ******
       You said she was immature and naive
       You said her parents must not be there for her

But dad, that friend was me

       I was ***** at eighteen
       I am scared and have no one to talk to
       I am sad and feel unsafe
       It was my manager
       He gave me chlamydia and I don't know what to do

And dad, you're wrong

       I didn't have it coming
       I didn't deserve this
       I'm not a **** or a ******
       I'm not immature or naive

Except, dad, you're right about one thing

       My parents aren't there for me

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Anemia
Thyroid
Lordosis
Scoliosis
Diabetes
Asthma
Depres­sion
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is my brain
This is my iron
This is my back
This is my pancreas
This is my lungs
This is my mind
This is my experience
This is my health
This is me

Not having perfect health
Is nothing to be ashamed of
It is something to be proud of
Look, I have so much going on
And I am still here
Standing tall
Taking life day by day
Getting through school
And work
While dealing with all of this

No one has perfect health
And if they do,
They are lying

Life was not meant to be easy
Life was not meant to be a breeze
Life was not meant to be clear
Or make sense
We may question life
We may question a higher power
We may even question ourselves
But
Just keep pushing
Because I believe anyone can get through anything
When the
Proper health
Is provided

I am not a doctor
I am a student
Who is young
And has her whole life ahead of her
IF she remains healthy
I am not educated on the human body and its functions
But I know
From experience
That hardships come
And that effects you
Physically
And emotionally
I am not a doctor
But I am here
And I am spreading my word
And offering my shoulder
To those who want or need it

This is me
This is my health
This is my experience
This is my mind
This is my lungs
This is my pancreas
This is my back
This is my iron
This is my brain

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Anxiety
Depression
Asthma
Diabetes
Scoliosis
Lordosis
Th­yroid
Anemia
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

This is me
This is us

My name is Christine Mary D'Agostino and I'm eighteen years old.
I'm young, yes, but I've been through a lot.

I've overcome depression and anorexia.
I've gained a deeper understanding of life and found meaning in it.
I found the love of my life even though we don't talk anymore.

My spirituality was gained and my fears lost.
I'm finally happy.
I got to meet my two nieces and the chances to appreciate them.

I get good grades and I'm passionate for dance.

I've lost friends but I've gained many.

I'm only eighteen but I've come a long way.
I'm only eighteen but my doctor said I'll be dead in six months.
I'm only eighteen but I hope you'll remember me.
My name is Christine Mary D'Agostino and I'm eighteen years old.

3, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 17, 18 and now

AGE 3
please dad no
don’t hit my brother
don’t kick him out
stop throwing things dad
mom please stop
stop threatening him
stop screaming
please stop mom and dad

AGE 10
mom can’t leave
where is she going?
is she coming back?
no? what do you mean?
mom is sick?
how sick?
please don’t leave
goodbye mom

AGE 11
first hit
first call
child’s aid
i guess its my turn for the blame
stop hitting me dad
it hurts

AGE 12
first of many counsellor meetings
but this one
this one changed my life
i went from writing
suicide notes
to thank you notes

AGE 13
im not hungry
no thank you
i’m full
i need new clothes
smaller clothes
to fit the new body
that i never fed

AGE 15
go to physio therapy they said
it will help your back they said
one visit
and i walked out crying
****** harassment filled my head
with nightmares
and bad memories
i was felt up by someone
i knew nothing about

AGE 17
stop it
*******
get a life
you’re just a stupid high school boy
oh ****
he touched me
he said things about me
inappropriate things
“sir, he’s been harassing me for months now”

AGE 18
stop
please stop
help
someone help
get off me
please
leave
go
stop
help
someone help
….
room went silent
but my tears were still streaming
down my face
as my ****** held my mouth shut

AND NOW
now i am in uni
now i have better friends
now i am safe
now i am happy
but ****
what a nightmare I've had

i feel trapped
kind of like rapunzel
but this is my choice
i choose to not leave my room
not because i like staying in my room all day
without any food
or human interaction
but thats exactly it
i would rather starve and cry in my room all day
than go downstairs
to see her face
in my moms house
in my moms kitchen

id rather cry
in my room
alone
staring at my grey and burgundy walls
than see her
ever

id rather starve
in my room
than go see my dad treat her better
than he ever treated my mom
id rather be alone in my room
than see him erase my mom from the house
by painting the walls a different colour
by misplacing things in the cupboards permanently
by taking down all of her photos
by putting in new furniture to us that is familiar with that one

id rather go unheard
in my room
in my house
while my head implodes

You call me strong
But babe,
I'm far from it.

I cried all the time
And now I don't let anyone in.

I always ******* up
And now I wish I was smarter.

I have gone through a lot
And it made me a damsel.

I was hit
And now I'm scared of quick movements.

I was screamed at
And now I hate loud sounds.

I was shut down
And now I have no confidence.

I was sent away
And now I can't get comfortable.

I was suicidal
And now I'm damaged.

I was anorexic
And now I'll never be healthy.

I was lied to
And now I can't trust.

I was always the target
And now I'll never be strong enough.

Dear dad,

       You said it's always the female's fault if she's ever *****. You said they ask for it. You said they deserve it. You said females shouldn't expect anything less at night.

       Well dad, I was *****. I was eighteen and it was my manager. I never asked for this. He said we would just have lunch together. Yes dad, it was in the middle of the day. I was just being nice. I was just trying to make a new friend at work.

       But dad, I was stripped of my clothes and my dignity. I was forced to do something that I didn't want to do. I said stop. He didn't listen. I started crying, and all he said was "shhh."

       So dad, your youngest daughter was ***** at eighteen. I'm the only child you have left and I was *****. I am your daughter. I am your priority. I am your dependent. I am your blood. I am your family. I am your little girl but I disagree with you. I didn't deserve this, I never asked for this, and this is certainly not my fault.

       But you'll never know. Because I could never tell you.

so i sit on my deck
typing on my computer
in the shade
but the sun is infront of me
and i feel the wind brushing by my ears through my flyaways

i wish i could figure my life out
and seek help

i want to go back and dig deep
i want to go back into my past
to bring up all of the dirt
and secrets
so that i can move on

I'm stuck
and i don't know how to deal with my past

i have so much baggage
i am my own airport
except i don't know where to move on from
or where to go back to

but my mom dying
my dad abusing me
my depression
my anorexia
my anxiety
my assault
my ****

is all haunting me to this day
even though its been

9 years
8 years
7 years
7 years
7 years
3 years
1 year

i feel like i am so ****** up
i can never be fixed

i feel so trapped
with all of the freedoms that i have

i moved away
found new friends
found a soulmate

but I'm stuck
and yet still positive that i will eventually get through this

i just don't know when
when ill finally be able to be at peace
with all thats happened

i don't know who to tell my troubles to
and this poem is me venting
because this site are my ears
no one will listen
so i write to you
the readers
the site
my computer
my online brain and thoughts

so ****
i need someone to help me
i need someone to tell me what to do

because i am lost
in my backyard
where i look out
behind gates
and a pool deck

white privilege
but real issues lay behind me
in my middle class home
where i should be happy
in my backyard

**** is like nothing you’ve ever experienced
in the worst way possible

once you’ve been *****
everything becomes a threat
you are scared of
absolutely everything

friends asking you to come hang out on a friday night
turns into a thought about how many people would be there
and how many people could touch you
a walk to the grocery store becomes a blueprint plan
because you need to figure out which streets are bad
and which streets are the worst
a stranger saying a friendly good morning or a simple hello
turns into a potential perpetrator
and an escape mission
a boy flirting with you because he thinks you’re cute
turns into a panic attack
and an immediate phone call to the first person on your contact list

once you’ve been *****
you realize how many people don’t care
your friends and family are there for the week
and then they’re gone

once you’ve spoken out
you’re told to keep quiet
and once you’ve gained courage
the police shut you down

“it’s his word against yours”
well why can’t my word be the stronger one
why is it my fault he did this to me
“you should have kept your legs closed”
when?
while he was prying them open to force himself upon me?

you don’t know what its like
and i don’t expect you to
but don’t pretend that you know whats best
and that you know what happened
don’t pretend you know all the things to say
and don’t blame me for something i didn’t do

i didn’t force myself upon anyone
but i was certainly forced to do something i didn’t want to do
and was told i should’ve covered up more
even though a wool sweater and leggings covered my body well
but apparently thats not good enough
nothing ever is good enough

i cannot possibly speak out about this
and be successful
so i’ll write this poem to support those
who have been victims of ****** assault
i’m here for you and its not your fault

i wonder what your reaction would be
if you really knew
if you really truly knew
i wonder if you would be closer to me
or further away
would she bring us closer
or tear us apart
maybe i don’t tell you
because deep down i already know
maybe i already know what would happen
but it doesn’t matter anymore anyways
its too late
she’s already here
under this roof
in my moms room
on my moms deck
drinking from my moms mugs
sitting on my moms chair
theres nothing i can do
but wallow
and have self pity
but of course that doesn’t help anyone
except maybe give me a bit of release
but at the same time i feel like I’m a guest
in my own house
i don’t feel like this is a home anymore
i feel like i don’t have a home
i don’t feel that i am at home for the summer months
i feel as though
i am visiting
and you are patiently
or impatiently
waiting for me to leave in september
i feel like a burden
but at the same time
i am the only one who cares about anything
and you wonder why i cry
every night
and refuse to talk about it with you
how can i
when the person who makes me cry
is the person you put infront of me
what would you say
if i told you
the one tearing your daughter down
is the one person you give everything to

i hate knowing that you’re with another girl
i hate knowing that you kiss her goodnight
i hate knowing that you text her good morning and goodnight
i hate knowing that you share personal things with her
i hate knowing that you’re intimate with her
i hate knowing that she’s better than me
i hate knowing that you’re happier with her
i hate knowing that i told you how i felt and nothing more happened
i hate knowing that you’re going to be with her through university
i hate knowing that she was your first kiss
i hate knowing that she was your first
i hate knowing that she was your prom date
i hate knowing that you have an anniversary with her
i hate knowing that you went camping together
i hate knowing that my friend set you two up
i hate knowing that i was made a fool
i hate knowing that I’m not that girl
i hate knowing that you probably told her you love her
i hate knowing that she gets all of your attention
i hate knowing that she has no idea
i hate knowing that she gets to hug you
i hate knowing that you give her your sweater when she gets cold at night
i hate knowing that you take her out for drives
i hate knowing that you take her out for cute dates
i hate knowing that she may be the one
i hate knowing that ill never have you
i hate knowing that you’ll never take me back
i hate knowing that we both feel the same way but we still aren’t together
i hate knowing that everyone knew about it
i hate knowing that the love of my life will marry someone else

I'm sad
but i don't know why

thats a lie
i do know why

but i don't know why today
why is it bothering me
today

this is not something new
nor necessarily old
it just is
and today is just today

i don't know where i am
in my mind

i don't know who to talk to
about what i feel
and why i feel it
today
and not yesterday

i am sad
for many reasons
reasons that i keep to myself
reasons that make me feel empty

i want to scream
but at the same time
i want to lay on my back
and not make a sound

i want to cry
but also laugh

i want to run my car into a ditch
and be admitted into the hospital
so that i can still walk out
days later
and act as if nothing happened

i don't know what to do
i don't know anything
i don't know what i want
or who i want

i just don't know anymore

i remember the anorexia
depression
suicide attempts
long days
silent nights
endless fighting
screaming
bruises
tears
packed bags
getaway plans
drugs
fainting
draining thoughts
restless body
empty thoughts
emotion

that was eight years ago
but its somehow coming back
in split seconds
with no warning
like a storm
flooding your home
trapping you
with nowhere to go
and you don't know who to call
the help can't get to you

I'm trying to let go
but i think I'm letting go of all the wrong things
myself
my health
my feelings
my mind
my future

I have a secret
That I want to share.
I want to tell you but we no longer speak.
My health got worse
And now I'm dying.
I'm going to leave this earth in six months
But I hope you'll remember me.
I know you have all the reason to hate me
But just know,
for the final time,
I love you.
And I'm sorry.
- C

you don't know that i write poems
i never told you
its been five months
and you don't know anything about me really
you don't know that I've been in love
you don't know my troubles
or how i conquered them
you don't know what saved me
you don't know what i value
or my favourite food
or that my favourite colour is pastel green
you don't even know my middle name
or the reason why its my middle name
you don't know my siblings names
or how my mom died
you don't know my best friends
or what i want to be
you don't my deepest thoughts
or what i love to do on my own
you don't know about me
or my health
or how all i really want is a family
and how i want to name my daughter melody
or why
you don't know that i took skating lessons
and swimming lessons
and soccer
and drums
and dance
or how i used to play the recorder and i hated every second of it
you don't know that i used to write stories as a kid
or how i used to paint my troubles away
you don't know my passions
my wants
my needs
my feelings and thoughts
you don't know what music i listen to
or the way i like my coffee
you don't know the little things that make me
me
you don't know me
and its been five months
that we've been together
if you don't know those things by now
then you won't ever get to know everything about me
because you don't care enough to ask
or pay attention to detail
and i can't be with someone
who doesn't want to be with someone they know
im not sorry though
nor do i feel bad
i just feel like a lot of time has been wasted
and i owe it to myself to make the most out of life
because life really is too short to spend it on someone who won't be there in the end

i like the way you feel my skin after i take off all my makeup
i like the way the pillowcase wrinkles after you get up
i like the way you curl into a ball as you sleep
i like the way you smile at me when you wakeup
i like the way you pull me closer in the middle of the night
i like the way the sheets move when you sleep
i like the way you toss and turn when you’re trying to find a comfortable spot
i like the way you shed your beard hairs onto the pillow
i like the way you kiss me every time you wake up in the night
i like the way you always make sure the fan gets to me too
i like the way you always make sure i have water to drink for when I’m thirsty during the night
i like the way you always tuck me into bed
i like the way you hold me close
i like the way you kiss me when the sun rises
i like the way you never leave me without a kiss and hug goodbye
i like the way you always ask how i slept
i like the way you hug me even when I'm mad
i like the way you kiss my forehead as we argue
i like the way you accept me for me

sometimes i wish i could go back
and tell myself not to go that day
tell myself to stay home
don't use the car
eat at home

sometimes i wish i could go back
and tell myself to not trust him
tell myself he's unprofessional
you can find new friends
in public areas

sometimes i wish i could go back
and warn myself
that something will happen very shortly
if i choose to go out for lunch
instead of stay home

sometimes i wish i could go back
and make different decisions
make a decision to find food at home
and to not trust everyone you meet
because there are some terrible people right under your nose

but i was only eighteen
i had 2 hours to spare
it was lunch
i was hungry
and you offered to bring me out to lunch

i shouldn't have gone
i should have stayed home
i shouldn't have waited in your house for you
i should have seen the signs
and then everything turned upside down

because as i yelled for you to stop
you covered my mouth
and as tears ran down my face
you got angrier
and i got scared

i wish i could go back
and not go out to lunch

i wish i could go back
and not run into that situation

i wish i could go back
because then maybe
just maybe
i wouldn't have been
*****

you act like it didn't happen
like I'm completely fine
and nothing ever ruined me

you don't know what its like
and i don't expect you to

but as a sister
i expect you to care about me
like any sister should

you never care about when I'm sad
you never ask me how I'm doing
or if i need anything

you tell me to get over it
to move on
to start acting like an adult

excuse me

any person
whether they are 9
19
28
or 47
would be affected just the same

we never asked for this to happen
and it should never happen to anyone else

"act like an adult"

i am

i am acting like the true person i am
which is an adult who was ***** by someone she trusted

you don't know what its like
and i don't expect you to

but care
care for me
I'm your younger sister
and you should care for me
like i care for you

I'm always there for you
through everything
thick and thin
but why can't you be there for me
for something i don't know how to deal with

all I'm asking for are
ears
hugs
and an understanding of how i feel

thats all

i just want the person i look up to
to still be in my life

i went to the gym today
with anne and jen
they did cardio
but i wanted to do abs
so i told them to move closer
because i was scared
i can’t be around men anymore
i wanted to cry
actually, i did cry
so jen moved closer
but an old man kept staring
so i didnt go
i stood beside her on the treadmill
and waited
and waited
and waited till they left
but they never did
so jen took me over to the side
to talk
but i just cried
and cried
while she spoke
but i couldn’t hear her
over myself
so she pulled me to the ab station
and anne came over
then we tried doing it together
i was happier
i felt safer
and thats what family is all about
being there
even when you’re upset
loving someone
through thick and thin
unconditional care
unconditional love
unconditional

im going into overdraft
i dont care anymore
i hate being safe
i just want to get **** done
and over with
im so sick of following the rules
and listening to your lectures
i know
i know
i know
i just dont care
dont you get it
im losing myself
a lecture wont save me
but listening might
but you never listen
which is why i lost all faith
im going to do what i want now
because im so sick of trying to please you
you can never be pleased
i can never make you proud
you never wanted me anyways
im just gum on your shoe
and youre just everything to me
so im going into overdraft
because im sick of trying
nothing ever works out anyways
and i know i wont be here for much longer anyways
so **** it
im done
im doing what i want
and thats final

normally if its a rainy day
i would be sad
unmotivated
unproductive
and impatiently waiting for the sun

but today its pouring
and there is thunder and lightning
but somehow I'm the happiest I've ever been
because of you

even though the weather is unhappy
i am beaming
you make me the sun in a storm
and i know this is the cheesiest thing you will ever read
but its true

you're my sun
in the eye of the hurricane

you're my warmth
when the cold water hits my skin

you're my glow
when the sky is grey
and filled with despair

its raining
and all i want to do is
smile

you don't know what its like
to go through what I've been through

you don't know what its like
to wake up as a kid and not have a mom

you don't know what its like
to be sent away for a year from your own father

you don't know what its like
to want to **** yourself and have no one there to stop you

you don't know what its like
to go days without eating and still think you're overweight

you don't know what its like
to be so anxious that you can't leave your bed

you don't know what its like
to be left with bruises from your father

you don't know what its like
to be told you're worthless by family

you don't know what its like
to be screamed at for something you didn't even do

you don't know what its like
to fear going home after class

you dont know what its like
to be bullied your whole senior year of high school

you don't know what its like
to be ***** right before your graduation

you don't know what its like
to move away from home and be by yourself

you don't know what its like
not being able to afford your own medications

you don't know what its like
to have to drop out of school because your body is shutting down

you don't know what its like
to scream for help and no one even glance over

you don't know what its like
to go through what I've been through

"dont do it"
i say to myself in my head

because i know i want to text you so bad
and talk once more
start things up
and see how you are

but i know it would be the worst mistake of all
because i know it will do me no good
it will only make me worse

im in love with someone else
but i still care about you
we grew up together
and now i never hear from you

i don't want you to get the wrong message if we speak
because i only care as a friend
but i know you care for more

you know me inside and out
and i thought i knew you inside and out as well
but no one really knows
because you never let anyone in
you almost let me in
but i ****** it up
and I'm sorry

i know you'll never forgive me
and when you see my face
you'll only think of what i did to you
and how hurt you were
and still are

but i am sorry
and saying sorry won't ever make up for it
but i will spend the rest of my life wishing i was different back then

i am different now
and i would never do now what i did to you then
but its too late
isn't it?

i want to see what you're up to
and hangout like we used to
spend hours just talking about pointless ****
but laughing uncontrollably

i want to spend hours on the phone
like we used to
about how life ***** but we'll make it through

life is short
and things change too quickly
without choice
or realization

its weird not talking to you
its weird not seeing you
its weird not having any communication at all
i miss it
but you'll get the wrong idea

because i miss you as a friend
but you miss me as someone more

im in love with someone else
and he is absolutely perfect
i will never let him go
but if you want to talk to me too
then you have to let me go

its delicate
its strong
it keeps you going
but it can shatter

its what brings people together
its what breaks people apart
its complicated
but its concept is easy to understand

i never met it
until i got older
when someone introduced it to me

it changed me
better or worse
who knows

it leaves at times
but comes back

needed it most
when i never had it

some people may say "thats life"

i say "thats hope"

i want to scream
i want to cry
i want to breakdown
i want to kick
i want to throw

why are we back
to the nonsense no one believes
why are we back
to the threats
the violence
the unfair trial
and the lack of respect

i thought we were getting better
i thought we had finally fixed it
i was wrong
and i am more mad
at myself
for thinking that anything would get better

you don't understand
you're not hearing me out
you're shutting me down
and i don't know what to do

why am i to blame
for someone else's doing
why am i the one to be
screamed at
threatened
cursed at
and why am i the one to be
here

i don't want to be here
i want to run away
and leave
like a rebellious teenager
trying to figure out
who they are

but I'm not a teenager
and I'm not
typically rebellious
i know
who i am

i go by the rules
test the small ones
always try to please
and never disrespect

so why

why am i being kicked out of my own house
that I've lived in my entire life?

because

because my dad's girlfriend left ***** pots by the sink
and i didn't clean them.

i was not asked to clean them
it was not my mess
it had nothing to do with me
i didn't even see them
because i was not even home

but my dad is kicking me out
because i didn't do the ridiculous

you used to drop everything
you used to hug me for days
you used to like listening to me vent to you
you used to always find time for me
you used to brag about me to all of your friends
you used to bring me flowers
you used to surprise me
you used to take me on dates
you used to enjoy our time together

now i come last
now i force hugs on you
now you never listen
now you're always too busy for me
now you complain about me
now you say flowers are a waste of money
now everything is expected
now we never go out
now we fight

i don't know what to do
can you please help me
figure this out
i want this
i hope you do to
but i don't know
if we can

reach out
thats all i want
reach out to me
are we in this
forever
are we making a mistake
are we sticking through this
what are we doing

i need you to talk to me
what is happening
i always feel like I'm out of the loop
now
but
i want this
i think

i don't want to lose you
everything reminds me of you
i love you
i want only you
but I'm scared
that I'm the only one who wants this
the way that i do
so tell me
what do we do
now
time is almost out
so tell me if so are we

its always my fault
with my face full of makeup
bare skin showing
my tight clothing
my "female" attitude

was i drinking?
what was i wearing?
well how much makeup did i have on?
did i give him false intentions?
maybe i shouldn't go out at night

except

i wasn't drinking
i was fully clothed
i had little makeup on
i had a boyfriend
and it was in the middle of the day

but

even if i was drinking
even if i was wearing a short skirt with a small top
even if i had a lot of makeup on
even if i was flirtatious
and even if it was at night

it wasn't my fault

i said no
i said stop
i cried
i trembled

i went to a clinic
and the police were notified
but i was the one questioned
like i was the one who decided this
like i wanted this

"it's a man's nature"

no it is not.

i am so sick of hearing that.
my boyfriend
is the sweetest
most caring
affectionate
human i know.
he loves me for me
he respects me
and i know he would never hurt me.
it is not in his nature to assault someone

so stop telling me
it's a "man's nature"
no it ******* isn't.

and it was not my fault either.
it was his.
i said no.
what is there not to understand
about the word
"no"

people always tell me the police care
i have never laughed so hard in my life
no they don't
they care about protecting reputations
rather than saving the hurt

we're in a world
a society
where protecting the boys
is more important
than helping the girls

and i am here to tell any victims
whether you are a male or female
that it is not your fault
ever.

what a ****** up thing this world really is.

i want to know
why its so ******* difficult
to find mental health support

i want to know
why people still think
mental health isn't an issue

i want to know
why lists are always full
and costs your whole savings

i want to know
why it costs $1500
to get 1 test

i want to know
why I've been questioned about what i wore
when i tried reporting being *****

i want to know
why my doctor couldn't do anything
when he diagnosed me with depression

i want to know
why you tell me I'm exaggerating
when you know i have anxiety

i want to know
why 1 diabetic pump
costs $4000

i want to know
why health is such an issue
in a country who claims they have the best health

i want to know
why i feel the need to bottle everything up
oh wait, it's because there is no one who can help me anyways

i want to know
why my own parent won't support me being tested for ADHD
and would rather me just suffer instead

i want to know
why it costs $100 per week
to get my scoliosis adjusted

please enlighten me
because i don't ******* understand

something was taken from me recently
and i cant ever get it back

i feel like i have no purpose anymore
because i thought i could always protect myself
but that changed

im out in the open with nothing more to lose
i lost everything

i dont know how to go on anymore
i feel empty now

i cry myself to sleep when no one is around
yet i still feel nothing

i wish i wasnt here
i wish this didnt happen

i have no motivation anymore
i was excused from classes
and i was excused from exams
but that doesnt fix my struggle

no one i know understands what im going through
they try to help
but it doesnt

i feel so alone
theres no one i can talk to

no one i know has gone through this
no one i know has been *****
and so i just have myself
but i no longer have the will power that i did before

so what do i do now?

i thought about texting you
but then i came to my senses
because it wouldnt have changed anything.
we are both with other people
i love being with my boyfriend
and im sure you love being with your girlfriend.
but im still so sick of us not talking.
i thought i would be better without you
but it has only made me more and more broken
i miss you
i really do
but if i were to text you,
i wouldnt know how you would take it
or if you would tell anyone.
i miss you
and i just really want to catch up
thats all

its weird.
because two days later i saw you again.
i was forced to talk to you.
as if nothing had ever happened.
its weird.
how my brain can keep its cool when its absolutely necessary.
i guess thats why I'm always crying now.
because i never see you.
so my brain has time
to let out all of its emotions
that it bottled up in that time.
because it had to.

its weird
seeing your friends
and having to avoid them
but they don't know
they don't know what you did
they think I'm crazy
they think I've lost my mind
maybe i have
or maybe I'm just dealing with the **** you put me through
and did to the others

the others know what you did
they don't know about me though
they know about each other
they don't know about you and i
no one knows
i know though
and you know
and i know i won't ever forget it
no matter how hard i have tried to
i won't forget
and now i don't want to forget

im determined
to fight
for myself
and the others
because you tried to destroy us
me
and you almost did
i won't lie
but you won't
ever
and i will stand strong
i will scream
at the top of my lungs
i will cry so loud
i will make my voice heard
i will make someone finally hear
because no one heard
what you did
and what i said
thats all changed
and so am i
i am proud of myself
i am strong
i am passionate
i am brave
and you are a coward

i hope you find help
i hope you get better
i hope you pray
i hope you find peace
and may you never
do what you did
to anyone else
anymore

i am a survivor
and i will stand up for everyone
assaulted by you

i will stand tall
and stand up for myself
because i won't deal with what you did to me anymore
this is my life
i will not let you ruin it
like you did

i will stand
up
for me
and the others

i will stand
and not be held down
and not have my mouth covered
and i will make sure people hear me scream

*******
i will stand
tall

i remember those times
of sitting in my bed
wondering when the fighting would ever stop
and trying to figure out what was just smashed
i would fill my pillows with water
and i would fill my papers with thoughts
wishing my family was calm
wishing my family was happy
i remember tearing up pages out of my journal
out of frustration
because i wrote about a fight i had with my mom
and i didn't want it to linger any longer

i remember the biggest fight
i screamed and i cried
i remember hearing my dads stomping getting louder and louder
further up the stairs
my brother screamed no
and he came rushing behind
my door slammed open
and quickly slammed shut
my brother still rushing up the stairs
as my brother heard my dads hand hit my face
he stormed in as well
and thats when it happened
thats when my brother hit my dad
thats when my dad hit my brother
again
and it was like a scene in a movie
although i saw it in parts
and heard the whole thing
my dad is strong
and my brother was too
but not quite as strong as our father
but anger does something
and as my dads back was pushed inside the wall
the house went silent

i remember packing my bags
and calling my friends
i was more than welcome to stay with them
i had my own room
i had my own space
my own mind
my own life
and i left
but i came back shortly
fear does something

i remember sitting by my moms coffin
thinking "what now"
thinking "why her"
i remember not knowing anyone who came
but smiling and greeting them as if id known them for years
all black clothes
that didn't fit quite right
but never wanted to take off
that meant my life without my mom beside me would begin
and i was too scared to start that part of my life

i remember school
going back after she died
teachers treated me like the damsel
the weird one
the scared one
"that one"
i was an orphan with a father
and i was suddenly popular at school
death does something

i remember crying
and wishing i was dead
wishing my body stopped functioning
wishing i didn't wake up in the morning
wishing i was murdered so i didn't have to do it myself
so that my father wouldn't curse at my dead body

i remember those times
and i don't ever want to forget them
because those memories made me who i am today
and i am happy
finally

I don't respect myself because of you
I have trust issues because of you
I can't love because of you
I'm not happy because of you
I cried myself to sleep because of you
I catch on quicker now because of you
I warn other girls because of you
I learned a lot of lessons because of you
I learned a lot about myself because of you
I don't open up anymore because of you
I'm extra cautious because of you
I have a crazier past because of you
I have more stories to tell my daughter because of you

My kids will know about consequences because of you
My kids will know their mom is stronger because of you
My husband will be respectful because of you
My family will be closer to me because of you

Because of you, I know myself better
Because of you, my guard is up
Because of you, I know that family should come first
Because of you, I am a different person

I'm sad again
and sometimes i think i know why
but other times i really have no clue
i could write a list of all the things going wrong in my life
but i could write a longer list of all the things going right in my life

yet i want to crawl into bed
and cry
and cry
and cry
and never come out

i want to hibernate
i want to swear at the world
and go axe throwing to let off some steam

at the same time
i want to hug all my loved ones
get together with them and eat cake
i want to go out to a paint night
and laugh with all of my friends

i want to travel
explore
find myself
and smile so much that my cheeks begin to hurt

but I'm still sad
and i don't want to leave my room
i do
but i don't

i don't know what i want
i don't know why I'm like this
i don't know how ill ever accomplish anything
if i don't even know what I'm doing right now
which is nothing

im glad i never kissed you
im glad we never had that moment
im glad nothing ever happened

i thought you were the one
and we shared so many memories
but what was it for

we grew up together
and confided in each other
we helped each other
and said we would always be there

wow how much we've changed
you decide to come up with made up conclusions
about thoughts and ideas you think i have
and i decided to not put up with **** i don't need

I'm through helping you
since you no longer help me
since you no longer care
and no longer keep me in mind

you wouldn't believe the things I've said about you
that make you seem like a god
that would make your confidence and ego beam
but thats all changed now

now you're ignorant
now you're cynical
now you're a narcissist
now you're so far removed from the world

why couldn't you see what you had
right under your nose
and inside the deep valves of your heart
because i know you loved me

I'm happy its done though
i don't want that negativity anymore
i want someone who makes me shine
and i finally found him

he makes me thankful you're no longer in my life
that you're done with
and that i decided to move on
because now i can be who i am

you made me mad
angry
cry
and scared

the man of my dreams now makes me happy
feel respected
feel confident
and he makes me be myself around him

we have disagreements
yes
but they never end in a fight
just a simple lesson of communication and compromise

thats something you could never do
it was always your way or no way
you were controlling
just like my father

i couldn't handle you
i never tried to change you
i only tried to understand
and now i understand completely

you are not the one after all
and i don't know if you were
at some point or another
but i know you are no longer for me

but i wish you well
and hope you find someone
just like i have
because i think you will feel how i feel now

I think it's coming back
My scary thoughts
My burning temptations
And as I sink further into this couch
I want to sink even further
I don't know what's wrong with me
I know what makes me sad
But I don't know why it makes me this sad
Why do things keep happening to me
It's never ending
And I don't understand why
Why can't I just go on with my life
Why do I crave sad songs and lasting tears
And why do I have to feel sad to feel inspired
Why can't I be inspired when I'm happy

I always feel restrained
I crave outside
I crave the sky, the wind, the birds, and the trees
I wish I could write with my eyes closed
To truly write what I see, feel, fear, and dream of
I want to float into the sky
But at the same time I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean
Because I want to be free
But I don't know if that means living or dying
I want things to make sense again
I want to make sense again
They don't get it
Sometimes I don't even get it
My mind is so confusing that I have to take a breath
And try to move forward with it

Why does the ocean floor feel so inviting
Why do the dark nights and empty spaces give me so much peace
I like being alone
I like not wanting to see anyone
I take steps back and watch everyone ahead of me
I try to figure out what's going on
And why I am so different
But I can never seem to figure it out
And I know life was never meant to be easy or simple
But I know life was never meant to be empty or dangerous

I'm dangerous
I need to escape my mind
Because it controls everything I do
And that's the problem with human bodies
Mind over matter always wins
And by the time we realize what matters
It's too late
My mind always wins
But I always lose

i wanted to go back to my old room so bad.
because of the colours of the walls,
the view from the window,
and the memories of my mom.

the memories are the exact reason why i should never go back into that room.
its my past self.
never go back.
always move forward.

that room holds secrets.
secrets i cannot tell and secrets that have been told.
i was suicidal in that room.
i even attempted suicide in that room.
i wrote my suicide notes and cried myself to sleep in that room.
i was physically and emotionally abused by my father in that room.

my current room is when i shed a layer of myself
and began to see that i needed more help than i thought.
and thats really the first step.
the most important step.
the hardest and tallest step.
realizing you're more ****** up than you ever thought you were. but realizing it in a way that makes you want to change for the better.

To my future daughter,


       I'll be there when you learn how to crawl, stand and eventually walk.

       I'll be there when you start preschool, kindergarten, high school and university.

       I'll be there when you lose your first tooth and when you lose your last.

       I'll be there when you need help with your homework and choosing a career path.

       I'll be there when you have your first crush, first kiss, and first love.

       I'll be there when you have your first heartbreak and your last.

       I'll be there when you just need to cry, talk, or even just hug.

       I'll be there when you graduate high school and when you graduate university.

       I'll be there when you're moving boxes and furniture into your own place.

       I'll be there when you get engaged and I'll be there in the pew looking at my beautiful daughter get married.

       I'll be there when you move into your own house and when you can't carry all the boxes.

       I'll be there when  you have your first child and your last.

       I'll be there when you just want to go out for some breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

       I'll be there whenever you want, wherever you want, and however you want.



       To my beautiful daughter,

       I'll be there.

he's the one
i know he is
the way he makes me feel
the way he cares for not only be but for everyone else
hes smart
he's happy
he's healthy
funny
inspiring
cute
athletic

i miss him the second he leaves
but I'm happy knowing he's living his best life
i find comfort in him even when he's not around

we're silly together
we laugh
we dance
we sing
we argue but we work through it
we understand the other persons point of view
we respect each other

i know his family
he knows mine
and i hope someday our families merge
and then we create our own new family

i don't know exactly what i want in life
but i know who i want to share it with
its only been a year and a half
but when you know, you know
if things keep going this way,
i know i will always be happy

he takes care of me
he loves my nieces
and i hope one day they get to call him uncle
he is one of a kind
and it makes me cry of happiness to know that i found him

he is everything to me
i hope he is always happy
and healthy
and i hope he gets his dream job
and always has days with the boys

we're on a journey
together
there are bumpy roads
smooth roads
rain
sunshine
hills
and suburban roads
but the music is always on full blast
and our tone deaf singing is even louder

the family room is cozier
the couch is comfier
the tv is better
the floor is nicer
the lights are better

the walls are cold
the fireplace unused
and your photographs are gone

i miss you starting the fire
and adding cinnamon sticks to it
i miss you curling up on the couch
and watching movies
i miss you sitting at the bottom of the fireplace
and singing through laughter

the living room is colder
the walls are grey
and the burgundy is gone
the rug you picked out
is rolled up and in the garage
the storage unit you got from your mom
is upstairs
and used for something else
the piano is still there
but the family photos above it are not
i don't hear you play the piano at parties
or sit on the couch with your novels

the kitchen
the kitchen makes me saddest
your blue walls aggressively changed to brown
your coffee clock no longer works properly
your engraved kitchen sign was taken down
your organized cupboards are messy
the oven is different
the bread maker is in storage
your recipes have been moved
the radio is fuzzy
your CDs have an inch of dust
the table is stained
and i no longer see you at the table
with your cup of coffee and morning paper
i no longer see you cooking
or cleaning
or singing

the dining room
no longer has your candles
or has seen your beautifully decorated cakes
it no longer smells like your amazing food
your decorations have been taken down
and it no longer brings me happiness

i no longer see my mom
and this house was once hers
this house may be renovated for improvements
but now your marks have been covered and erased

i miss you
your presence
your laugh
your smile

you were here once
but now you are gone
we will all be here just once
and we think we have time
but we don't
you left too soon
but i know you are eternally happy now

this house was my home
and now it is a structure
with new items
you took home
you are my home
and i cannot wait to be home again

i don’t want to speak too soon
but i just keep thinking to myself if its possible
this is something new
something I’ve never felt before
i can’t think about anything else
just this
this possibility
this chance
this amazing new discovery
i don’t want to tell people
in case its not true
but i have a feeling
a really strong one
but an undetermined one
i want this to be amazing
and new
and fresh
and oh my god please be possible
because all my life
I’ve been waiting
for this exact moment
this exact memory
this exact story
and life changing event
so please oh please
be possible
because i don’t know what ill do if its not
so ill sit here
and wait
until the possibility becomes fact
until my impatience becomes now
until me becomes we
because i think it finally happened
but I’m way too scared to tell
and if you are who i think you are
then wow I’m so unprepared

i don't want your help
i don't want your advice
i don't want your good wishes
i don't want you

get out of my life
and realize I've moved on

you have stressed me out
treated me like ****
blamed me for all your struggles

and I've had it
I'm done
goodbye
good riddance

you're not welcome anymore
i won't pick up your calls
i won't text  you back
i won't say i miss you

because i don't
but you think i do
you think that you're my world
you think i would die without you
you think you're God's gift to earth
you're not.

you think you're smart
you think you're innocent
you think every girl loves you
they don't.

you're chasing
im not buying

why would i ever want to do that to myself again
why would i want to put myself through more of your ****

*******
and have a nice day

it makes me feel
it makes me float
and discover new things
i see the world in a new light
maybe the right one
where everything is a theory
everything is not as it seems
everything is your mind
you see things
that you didn't see before
you think about life
like you have never thought about it before
you reflect
and imagine
and laugh
and each room is a different world
universe
galaxy
you're awake
forever
you drift to different lands
you're peaceful
you think you're enlightened
until its been 12 hours
and you come back down
you're placed back into your room
and its just four walls painted a sand colour
with your textbooks and laptop on your desk
and your laundry sitting on the floor
the floor that is still
and hard
and isn't going anywhere
you're back
in this "life"
thats so dead, you wonder why it would ever be called life
so you sit on your desk chair
open your laptop
do your assignments
and continue on with this pre assigned path
with pre assigned ideals
you can't veer off
unless you decide
to take a trip

you hurt me
like no one else has
you were the last person
i thought would ever do this

I've been hurt before
but not by you
until now
until this

you're just like them
and i hate saying that
but i hate what you did more

you are my love
my life
my everything
the one i was going to spend my life with
but you ****** up
oh man did you **** up
so bad

and now i don't know what to do
with myself
or you
with us

i take myself out of the situation
and i have my answer
but i am in it
and so my answer changes

i think if this were a movie
id be yelling at the girl to leave
but its me
and so I'm saying stay

i am in love with you
but i know my worth
you say you're sorry
i don't know what to believe

you lied to my face
and broke my heart
you broke my trust
and all i could do was cry in your arms

lemonade album is on repeat
and i can't get you out of my mind
or my sight

i have never been so confused
on which path to take
what will i regret doing
leaving
or staying

i regret introducing you to my family
i regret showing you my heart and mind
i regret moving in with you
i regret our love

you broke my heart
and i don't know what to do
you're just like them
"it won't happen again"
"I'm sorry"
"i don't know what i was thinking"

but they were never the ones
you were the one
but i don't think you can be the one
anymore
you ****** up
more than you think
and no one even knows

no one knows the tears i cry
the notes i make
the pages i fill
the mind i attack
the heart I'm trying to rebuild

everything you did
turned to ****

i walk alone now
something i thought id never have to do again
i stand alone
and i will rise alone

I had a dream about you again
And I don't know what to do.

Because now I feel stuck
Between heart and reality
Between you and him
Between soul and mind.

I know I love you
I know I want to be with you
But I'm not sure if we can
I will fight if you fight
But love only works if we're both willing to make it work
If we're both willing to fight.

I love you
More than you'll ever know
But you have to be willing
And I know you used to be
But I'm asking you a favour
And that's to fight one more time
For me
And I for you.

Because you're my one love
Soul mate
Best friend
True love
And I miss you.

And I wish that I was writing a poem
While laying next to you
In our big king bed
In our house
And that poem would be about us
About how happy I would be
Because you're the only person I can see myself with.

But then I woke up
And still no text back
No call
No anything
And that's when I realized I really am in love with you
Because I loved you no less
And I want you to be happy.

I know you're with her
You know I'm with him
But we'll meet again one day
And start from scratch
And hopefully then we can live happily ever after

you make me really happy
but i dont know why
actually maybe i do know
maybe its because you make me feel content
in a world of craziness
you make me feel safe
like this is supposed to happen
and this is where im supposed to be
you make me feel warm
and comfortable
and you make me feel like i cant go wrong
i cant make a mistake
or maybe i can
but it wouldnt matter
because we would find a way
any way
to come back to each other
you make me feel
feel
you make me feel like i have a purpose
i can do anything if i set my mind to it
you inspire me to be happy
and to make the most out of everything
make the most out of us
us
this is where im supposed to be
but theres just one problem
theres a secret ive been keeping from you
since the summer
i have never told you it
but you have told me
and i dont think thats fair
so here goes nothing
or everything
since thats what you are

i love you
everything happens for a reason