im so ******* in love with you
you make me so genuinely happy
comfortable
proud
empowered
and confident

i could go on
and on
about you

you hug me when I'm sad
you hug me when I'm happy
you kiss me when you see me
you kiss me at night and in the morning when the sun is kissing your skin
you tell me you love me
you tell me you're lucky to have me
you are so passionate
you are so intelligent
you are so funny
you are so kind
you are you
and i love you

i am respected
i am loved
i am happy
i am calm

we may get mad at each other
we may want to yell
but we always end up in a hug

this poem is all over the place
i don't know if i would even call it a poem
its just my brain
splattered onto paper
with no form
and put up on the internet

some things don't have structure
and sometimes we don't either
sometimes we are adventurous
sometimes we make plans on the spot
and sometimes we just go with the flow

i love you
I've never loved anyone like i love you
you make me want to be better
not because i don't feel good enough
but because i feel empowered to keep doing my best

you're amazing.
you really are
and i can't believe its been a year.

a year of dating
which has gone by so fast
but i feel like I've known you for years.

you're my best friend
my partner in crime
my boyfriend
my soulmate

i love you so ******* much
you have no idea.

i miss you so much
and it bothers me
that you will never be able to meet him
the man of my dreams
the one who restored my faith
the one i am in love with
it bothers me that you can't meet him
you won't be there for my wedding
you won't be there to see your grandkids

its hard not having you around
i want to share all these moments with you
but i can't
ever.

so im sitting here on my bedroom floor
wondering what you're doing
and what you're thinking.
because i cant get you out of my mind.
i cant get what happened out of my mind.
you changed my life.
my whole world was flipped upside down.
everyday is a struggle.
I’m constantly scared.
i cant think. i cant walk.
i can't be happy.
its hard to move forward.
but what are you doing?
what are you thinking?
did this affect you in any way at all?
are you able to get through each day as if nothing happened?
did you tell anyone what happened?
how do you live with yourself?
i want to know if you can ever touch someone you love
knowing what you did to me.
i know you did it to someone else right after me.
how could you?
did you do it to someone else before me too?
what is your motive?
why are you doing this to innocent women?
what is your problem?
my problem is you but what is yours?

i deleted all of my poems.
they are all gone from here,
but saved on my computer.
because i know you read them
and that scares me
it scares me to know that you know everything about me.
i cant hide anything from you.
you know when im lying
you know when im sad
you know when im happy
because you read my poems
because you know my life
so now my outlet is gone
and my poems are deleted
from this website that let me once breathe.
but thats gone
because you read my poems
i know you do
did.
i know everything you say about me
and now, you know everything i think
thought.
because you read my poems

you know who you are
and you certainly know me

i wish the birds would come grab me by the shoulders
and throw me into the air as high as they can
so that the drop is more dangerous
and i can’t feel a thing

i wish the school shootings and the bank robberies were places i visited
and that there was a gunman or a few there
so that they could take me out with a single shot
and i would die a short death

i wish the natural disasters would swallow my body
and take the life out of me right away
so that i can float in my own misery
and wish i was never here

I wish the terrorists would come for me
and threaten to ****
so that i could be taken away
and never have to return

i wish life would end
and i could go to heaven
so that i could be happy
and never cry again

i wish i didn’t go that day
and stayed right in my bed
so that this wouldn’t have happened
and i wouldn’t have to say I’ve been *****

i'm a **** up
i guess we'll just start there
i pushed all my friends away
and now i have no one

i spend my days off sitting on my bed alone wondering where the **** i went wrong
how did i stray so far from the path
and how the **** do i get back?

i let everyone down
without even meaning too
but more importantly,
i let myself down the most

i didn't think any of this would happen
but i guess thats where the main problem lies
i didn't think

i wasn't prepared
and i wasn't myself
i did what i thought i wanted
and neglected my friends and my priorities in the process

I'm always trying to live up to the standards
that are my sisters
but **** do i ever feel lost

for once i wanted to be known and appreciated
but wow be careful for what you wish for
because i was definitely known
but for all the wrong reasons

I've learned my lesson
but theres still many more to come
i just wish i didn't lose everyone so fast

yes, i still make really stupid decisions
and i really wish i didn't
but thats why I'm a **** up
because i do the same thing over and over even after knowing how it will end

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ruined everything.
I usually never wish to change my past
because I am a strong believer
that absolutely everything happens for a reason
and that everything is a lesson,
bad or good,
but,
this time,
part of me wishes that I could turn back time
and tell you how I feel.
How I truly feel.
Because I think I loved you this whole time.
And I don't know why I thought it would be fine to keep it all in.
O and C in my heart for as long as I live.
I'm sorry I love you.
<3

10 grams of ****
9 dead lives
8 shots
7 bowls
6 hits
5 migraines
4 anxiety attacks
3 concerned siblings
2 options
1 thought

i don't understand
how you can go on
like nothing happened
i want to know
is it killing you inside?
because it killed me
you killed me
my spirit is gone
and you took it
why?
why'd you do it?
im shattered
and you walked it off
like you are innocent
but we both know
you're not
and now I'm dead
my body is functioning
but my mind
is long gone
like my spirit
i screamed
but you held my mouth shut
i cried
and tried to wipe away
the tears
but i wonder
do you not see me
as a person
or someone with a family
why'd you do it?
why'd you **** me?
what are you thinking?
does it **** you?
does it circulate your brain
over and over
and over?
is it all you think about?
does it make you cry
at all times of the day
does it make you proud
are you tough now?
are you macho?
tell me
why you thought
you could hold me down
and pry my legs open
while still covering
my mouth
so that no one could hear
i want to know
why?

i don’t know what to do
soon this will all be gone
it will just be me
and all of my thoughts

i won’t be able to hear my sisters
talking in the next room over
or hear my dad swearing
in my ear

i will miss waking up to the sun stretching out
over the field
and i won’t  hear the birds singing
on my window sill

my mornings will be just me
no sister
no father
and no boyfriend

no more loud music
or sister dates
no more morning tv
and no more driving around town

i can no longer cry myself to sleep
or keep my journal by my bed
i can’t pretend to sing
or write any more of my songs

i can’t go to my sisters house
in just 20 minutes
or see my brother
in just 30

i am going from a house
filled with family
to a room
of just me

i won’t hear my sisters laughing
or making stupid jokes
i won’t hear my sisters invite me
to hang out with them

i won’t be able to call my boyfriend
and make plans for that day
because while he is staying
i am moving

it will be a change
a change that I’m not yet ready for
but things could be worse
i just need to keep my head up high

and remember
four years isn’t that long
because four years from now
i will already be back home

i miss you
like you wouldnt believe
i could never talk to you again
because i know
you would talk to your boys about it this time
this time
this time, its me thats the joke
because youre different now
you told me you only care about one thing
and it *****
because you really are someone i love
and i want to tell you.
i want to tell you in person that im dying.
but im scared
im scared youll never want to talk to me
but ill see you on friday
at what we call prom
and i hope we can share a smile
but then again, you care about what they think now.
i want to tell you in person
that im dying.
but i cant
so im writing this poem
in hopes that youll see it.
so thats it.
im dying.
and i love you.
until we meet again.

i dont regret you
but you certainly make me feel those feelings
as if i did regret you
but you taught me a lesson
that i will teach my future daughter
and hopefully she will tell hers too
because you changed how i trust
you changed how i respect myself
you changed how i meet new people
you changed me for the worse
and now i just feel lost
and extremely confused
i wish someone could tell me how to feel
who to love
and what to do
because i dont know what to do anymore
you broke me
you made me fill with rage so quickly
like a match
but i dont regret you
you taught me a lesson
to not let anyone in

i dont want to see you
i cant
i know it will break my heart
even more
when i see you two show up
together
and when i see your arms wrapped around her waist
i dont want to see you
i cant
when your lips brush against hers
because i know shes your first kiss
and i know shes better for you
because i broke your heart
and she didnt
but i cant see you
because ill be with my boyfriend
and i know he will start a conversation with you
because he doesnt know
he doesnt know about us
he doesnt know that i have loved before
and that i still do
he wont understand when he sees me weep on friday
its supposed to be a happy time
at my bestfriends house
but i know that my second home
will turn into my hell
because i dont want to see you
i cant
i know it will break my heart
because he loves me
but i love you
and you love her
theres this messed up situation that i cant control
but i can only hope that my heart will come back together eventually
after friday

why do you write
to float.
to soar
to explore my own thoughts
to explore the skies
the grass
the corners
and alleys
every crevice of my mind.

i write to learn
i write to be happy
i write to let off steam
i write to float off
and dream
of skies that are purple and pink
the grass that is blue and brown
the people that are pink
the skin that is changing

i write to create new things
create new worlds
create new rules

i write all the rules away
i write all my fears away
i write to choose my world
the one that is chosen for me
cannot control what i write
they cannot influence what i write
i write
and write
because I can
I can do whatever I want when I write

I can float
And writing is the only thing that can lift me
And that is why I write

i used to wish i was dead
i used to wish everything was dead
i wanted to leave
in anger
i wanted there to be a riot
i wanted people to realize what they had done
i wanted people to realize what i had done
i wanted them to read my note
i wanted to sleep
and not wake up
i would watch sad movies
and cry
id be happy that i was sad
i enjoyed being sad
it was a sickness
it was my control
it was my freedom
something i can finally do for myself
watch sad things to make myself more sad
and it worked
and that made me happy

But it's also amazing.
Because I met him.
The first guy to ever meet my family.
The first guy to ever see me dance
for the final time.
It's surreal in a way,
but I don't want this feeling to ever leave my soul.
I'm happy,
and he makes me happier.
I admit,
he doesn't know a lot about me,
but that day will come.
And when it does,
I'll know if he's the one.

i feel worse now
than i did last year

it didn't hit me until several hours later
but a year later and its hitting me even harder

i don't know who to talk to
i don't know how to move on

my dad can't know what happened
but his brother knows

because its happened to him
and no one else knows that

except for me
and my siblings

its so ****** up

how someone could do that to another person

and then go on completely fine
as if nothing happened
as if they have done nothing wrong
as if they haven't ruined someones life over their decisions

i just don't know what to do anymore

i thought i could do this
but I've become weaker and weaker
as the days go on

i want to cry
and break down

but i have classes to attend
and my health to keep up with

i don't even know if its all worth it anymore

i want to give up
but at the same time i want to keep going

i want a future
with my soulmate
and kids

but i want to give up now because part of me thinks i can't do it
i can never move on from this
and deal with this properly