I want to drown in an ocean of every long embrace and kiss we've shared

And dry myself in that look in your eyes that makes me melt

I'd rather be alone
for the rest of eternity
than spend one more minute
waiting for you
to call me back.

amsterdam. tension. relief. release. accent. bowl. swig. bowl. bowl. reverend. mole. alley. fifth beer. bowl. sixth beer. blur. catching up. *** standing up. normalcy. hiding. secrets. bowl. friends. family. couch. spinning. smiling. exit. diner. bathroom floor. steam. bowl. her legs. beautiful. her teeth. beautiful. it hurts. keep going. sleep. sweat. 8 am. warm wind. splitting headache. packing. bowl. relief. amsterdam.

Day 1. I was in complete denial, but I thought about dying.
Day 2. I cleaned my room and it didn't make me feel any better.
Day 3. I cried so ******* the phone with my dad. And it was his birthday.
Day 4. I knew you replaced me.
Day 5. I started thinking about other people.
Day 6. I went out by myself for the first time in my entire life.
Day 7. You asked me out, and I was terrified you were going to leave me again.
Day 8. I heard a song that made me think of you.
Day 9. I saw you at our bar, and it ruined my night.
Day 10. I went home and snuggled with my mom, and she told me that I'm not allowed to say your name anymore.
Day 11. I stayed up for over 24 hours because I didn't want to see you in my dreams.
Day 12. I spent the night with a man who makes me feel like a queen.
Day 13. I watched a black and white movie and the main character looked like you and I didn't cry.
Day 14. I didn't check your facebook.
Day 15. A man gave me $300 just to spend the night with him after we drank scotch.
Day 16. My anger has turned to nothing. I feel nothing about you.
Day 17. I saw you on the street and slowed my stride so I wouldn't cross paths with you.
Day 18. I'm okay. And you're horrible. But I wish you the best.
Day 19. I hate you. What is Valentine's Day without you?
Day 20. I miss you. But I never want to be with you again.
Day 21. Who will I watch Game of Thrones with?
Day 22. The man I've been seeing is so much better at *** than you.
Day 23. I'm so bitter that you replaced me.
Day 24. I can't listen to Alt-J anymore because it makes me cry over you.
Day 25. I wish you would've just stayed and came to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Day 26. You're welcome for buying you "Life is Strange".
Day 27. It makes me so sad that I won't be able to quote South Park with you anymore.
Day 28. I love you, but I hate you.
Day 29. I fed you popcorn when we saw Star Wars and it felt like we were back together.
Day 30. You've made me feel grief more than any family member has passed.

I want go back to that rock with you and hold hands silently as we marvel at the zodiac signs that match our tattoos, Cancer and Scorpio

Day 51. I didn't check your facebook so I ate Ben & Jerry's to celebrate.
Day 52. I caved and checked your facebook but you've been only adding dudes.
Day 53. I went to our neighborhood bar and a regular said he thought you were gay and I laughed and was like "yaaaassss"
Day 54. There's a certain song that makes me think of you and I'm so mad at myself because its a good song but I can't listen to it without gettig teary because I miss your touch.
Day 55. I had false hope and I saw my replacement's bike out ya house
Dat 56: I bought a ten dollar pack of cigarettes and you came down to the bar and we both couldn't make eye contact because it hurt so bad to look at each other and be attached.
Day 57. I drank myself into nothing.
Day 58. I tried to figure out what I should do about my entire life but I just watched Parks and Reck all day.
Day 59. I broke a glass on purpose because I felt out of control and just wanted my boyfriend back.
Day 60. I never left my bed.
Day 61. I hadn't showered in days and only left my bed once for delivery.
Dat 62. I needed to quote my favorite B.E.E "I know longer know who I am, and feel like the ghost of a total stranger."

I feel like the only person alive during winter at 7 am
- Everything is a little more beautiful at night
- Oak cologne
- Skin is the sexiest part of the human body
- The moment his pheromones began to make me ill
- I'm floating too close to the sun
- Heels: A transformation
- A list of people I couldn't say no to
- We should've waited longer
- Modern romance and the death of sincerity

I want you to write your name with your tongue inside of my mouth so I can feel it every time I speak

Where did you go?
I see the sun set.
I can actually see it go down.
The world gets darker.

So many bottles of champagne surround me.
I celebrate nothing.
I lose entire days.
But men that look apocalyptic fill me up
Until I put my ***** clothes back on
And trample back to my den.
Worn, apologetic, and wishing it would all pass.

Glittered nails and crooked teeth.
I think back on my past relationship and laugh.
Who was I?
Who was he?
I can't even remember anymore.
And that's a good thing.

I just want on vacation.
A long week in Florida.
Sun.
Oranges.
Kitsch.

I've said it about every ex
I'll say it again.

We're going to be okay.
It may take time.
But one day we will talk.
We will laugh.
And we will smile.
I wish you all the best.
And I know
Deep down
You do too.

I want to cover you in seeds and watch the flowers grow and learn to adore you from your exquisite energy.

when did your eyes turn from blue to grey?
what a beautiful grey
a cold grey
a wet October grey
an "I forgot my umbrella" grey
a "Should we stay home?" grey
a day consumed with nostalgic sadness grey
a familiar reminder of rejection grey
a hopeless new romance grey

as grey as the ash from your cigarettes
as grey as that woolen hat that I'd wear while I waited wondering when you'd wander home
as grey as my best shirt you stripped off of me on a grey night

i fell in love with a mixture of black, blue, and muddy pearl
it sparkled against me when the sky clouded up
and we kissed until our vision blurred

I don't remember how vivid colors were before you.

thank you for peeling away my skin
my juices are flowing and i feel wet and sticky
lick me
get down on your knees
hands behind your back
close your eyes
melting

I.
leather skin
tattoos from youth that are laughable
as messy as a room gets every month
succumbing and cleaning up a mid-life crisis
a broken wind-up soldier
folsom prison's bar ‘s open every time the sheets get too cold
two year expiration date
grease
red wine at a dive bar

II.
never completely remember anything except touch
whiskey clouded brains and side-ways smiles
tongue-slinger
serpent waiting to strike
retracting and falling backwards far
slithering in during the AM
charming underneath the stairs
monotony
unwanted terms of endearment
the tea kettle will always whistle when the water gets too hot

III.
spells and red lights flicker at late hours on unseasonably warm nights
sweat and dragons both thrive from heat
smoke, from mouths and cigarettes
shakespearean scenes that melt to fingers grazing lips so effortlessly
this was all coming in due time after too many moments
spent on washing machines in an ancient haunt
falling into fictional identities when we come together
doe eyes
tears fell from poetic words spit so harshly on delicate air
a temporary home and an eternal momentary escape

we are two trees

lilts of speech
and
soft tapping tendrils played on
stringéd instruments
that is our water supply

intense lashéd eye contact
wrapping our long legs and aching arms around
each other's anatomy
that is our sunshine

heavy, breathy sighs
and long, slithering love-making
that is our photosynthesis

grow with me

i get so ****** because every one of my favorite artists
has basically
described how i want you
how i feel about you
the way i dream about you
i sleep next to a giant pillow because i miss your anatomy
jesus ******* christ
your space is so sacred
how did i get so lucky
if you do decide to come back i'll be okay
please please please
i ain't too proud to  beg

oh
ah
oh
ah
what time is it again?
we've been tangled up from sun up and to sun down and i fear i might be getting too wrapped around your body and soul

I get flashes of our first meeting

like airplanes you mistake for twinkling stars

covered in paint our glazed pupils locked

wooden steps that swayed like the curve of my back

your mouth halfway inside me at 6 am on a spring morning

or was it winter?

stumbling back into my arms in a place we call 'sanctuary'

And that's always it.

Why can I only look you dead in the eyes when they're crossing?

We could stopped the universe, because we do every time we kissed.  

Like we can't stop sipping

Hangovers like ropes around my head

What's going to happen when we wake up?

When the dust clears?

Why are we still torturing each other through rye flavored teeth?

Relief is paradox and a vicious cycle

i've shut down
like a factory building typewriters or VCRs
you left a rotten tingling in my mouth
pepper-flavored rubbing alcohol
slap me like you check yourself out in the mirror
maybe that will set my brain back into motion
sparks and blue soda
i gave you too many chances to ruin my life
bald spots on my head
lungs black because you made me start smoking again
turn around
the back of your head is the only part that doesn't make me cry anymore
and yet it still does
build me up like legos and take me apart piece by piece
we had brooklyn and bagels and trains and hangovers and sheets
religious conversion was avoided
i just realized how unhappy i was with you
all of you
all of what you gave me
which was nothing
taker.
taker.

today you held my hand when i walked you to your train
your crooked teeth were concealed by cherry lips
the tea we drank and the nonverbal prose we spoke in
it was indescribable
we made love as I sat on your lap
with legs crossed
skin to skin
torso to torso
we swung in circles until we got dizzy
and then we laughed again
catching your blue eyes surveying my apple-white skin
smiling like a little boy
wearing my clothes as if they were your own
i don't want this feeling to end
because you make me feel wanted

momentum and fragility builds in my legs and hands
my toes curl and empty air beneath them begins to buzz
an electrical current that is blue and gold begins to
make love
and sends bolts up my vertabrae stopping at my
knees that are knobby and bruised
heart that is tired of being bitter
brain that is foggy from sleepless nights and false realities
the neurological star scape that erupts inside my head in that moments wipes away every doubt i have
for five minutes, i won’t care

it brings nirvana
the idea of a faceless brunette girl
petite and soft and curious
i lie extended
i imagine her laying extended
but open
like a star fish
the alphabet exists between her legs
she's like a peach in full bloom
and tastes like one
sweet, ripe, delicious, visceral, here, now, once, ever? yes, here
she sings toneless notes
my eyes roll back into my skull
and that's it

that **** pond green flannel, those coal mine grey sweatpants
how quickly they lost your scent
of ever adventuring knees and out-stretched arms
usually in my direction
they lost your scent
as soon as I lost you

she creates moments in her head
a rush of panic
heart pounds so hard
oxygen faults
where is it?
um
um
oh
wait
****
fists clench and quads ache
i do this to myself
to stay alive?
no
I don't know

it goes from black and white to color so quickly
pulsating
over and over
socked toes curling back
knees quaking
delicious
head floats over neck
vertebrae crack
yum

tie a rope around me, love
you’ve made me feel so high
that my feet might leave the ground
but don’t worry
i won’t fly away

I understand "mad"
Obstinate amongst navel oranges
Coasting with the  waves

You were a slotted spoon

You appeared to be picking me up

Cradling me to your lips

Enveloping my body into yours

I was too starry-eyed to see the giant holes in your arms

Doing everything I could to nourish you

Wanting your stomach full of warmth

Letting me skip so easily down to the ground

Disgusted, you turned away

I’m still in a puddle on the ground

all the time we were running

we didn’t know that we were slowly going

backwards

when we are together we don’t exist in air

we float

in the ocean
in the foam
in the waves
both curled and harsh
with roaring vengeance
and tucked in tendrils
that offer teal foam
to the parched sand
so generously

we beat on and travel
you can't keep something that hates your presence
actions exalt billions of times louder than empty words with zero eye contact

joining haunts and skeletons you assured me were nonexistent
i saw them following you from the moment we met
they are holding you down and you can't expect me to cherish them
rubbing the dirt of your past, present, and future into my eyes
but again, promising there's nothing attached to you below
dancing to thought of your new idol-ship
when there's no one around to bow down and twinkle for you

what are you so ******* afraid of?
i smirk to myself, finally seeing through the foggy glass from body heat
you've misinterpreted every lilt of my voice
mistaking me for a lamb
But I'm a lion
strong, proud, and independent
my lust has been mistaken for desperate love
your ego is beginning to make your shoulders slump
attributing every word i put down as a proclamation for you

i'm sure you, and you, think this, along with all the others, are about "how much I need you."
They're about everyone.
I don't need you. I want you. Wanted?
I don't need anyone.
No one can have me like I got me.

fleeing what I thought I was born to do
in a place I thought I was born to be in

credit card declined
but $1500 cash in my wallet

He gives me spending money as we ride down a chrome lift
Squares.
Wide eyes.
Genuine smiles.
Personal anecdotes.
We take care of each other.

Glowing charisma draws me into this black hole of self-loathing
Why?

I change my terminology in order not to bruise egos
the sensitivity of the soul
the tears ducts
the corners of the mouth
the shoulders tensing
I see it all.

I see words
I feel actions
Merge.
Please.
Merge.

my spine curls
third party
two bodies
one body
oh
X

My mentor was your friend
He spoke so animatedly of your passion and humor
You were the single light bulb in a closet of clutter
I wish I could've experienced your soul
I was told you were bright and kind like the morning sun
No one knew the dark cloud behind your golden rays
You were my father, though you never knew it
Showing me that father figures always had my best interest
Your shadow hasn't left us
We miss your smile, genuine or not
It hurts me knowing that I'll never get to make you smile back.

paths are crossed while others are being blocked with road signs
neon lights on parkways blinding eyes
how easily people come and go these days
like sickness
patterns and get learned and forgotten
daily routines lost while olds ones are picked up like broken dishes
gestures and words are re-gifted to the next birthday boy
small fractions of memories stick like band-aids
originality was lost three years ago
love has become re-runs in syndication
eventually the VHS of romance will deteriorate to fuzz and static
running fast from the sopranos to baywatch
not knowing where taste escaped
lips on lips
chewing and spitting
double whiskeys all night and still feeling sober as the world around you falls into a drunken stupor
like silk falling off a soft shoulder
thoughts still present
paranoia growing
cigarettes are starting to be manifestations of thoughts
this one's for my broken heart
this one's because i'm drunk
this one's because it's hot out and i'm bored
when worse comes to worse
sleep is always there
until then
no harness
let's fall
who cares if there's anything to catch us

I threw up in the rose bush

hot yellow and thick

nothing has been on my stomach in weeks

yet over-exaggerated thoughts

nagging doubt

justified distrust

is upsetting me

I threw up in the rose bush

I hope they survive better than I can

don’t cry little bird

let me hold your bones in my arms

absorb all of the doubt and sadness expelling from your eyes

and even though i might be lying

everything will be okay little bird

Jesus Christ
I'm in the same spot I was a year ago
Mentally
Not by means of location
In terms of proximity, last year I was closer to you
We've both moved farther apart
Ironic
God
I still remember the footpath I took when entering your house
the one with all the boys and the one with your beautiful family
Your mother is a goddess, and your father is the sweetest thing
Your brother is a little jokester, and your sister is an angel
I was not worthy
Speaking your name these days
It frightens me
Sometimes I don't even believe that we were ever 'us'
I've been in pain over the loss of you longer than we were together
I thought I laid you down and let you go
but you've stuck to me like a leech
the weight of your corpse is making my shoulders slump
stealing my joy like stolen scotch
just ******* out everything
You had no idea and it's not your fault
I should not have hurt someone as precious as you
glorious man
let the record play a little longer
I'm doing everything in my power not to write your name
that order of letters together makes me feel so powerless
It horrifies my soul and makes my heart ache like a purple bruise
Imagine what life would be like if we still talked
Would it be better? Would it worse? It would probably be the same
But at least I'd have your hand on my legs
Train wanderers
I never thought you would be the one to hop off first
I'm so ******* sorry.

"Seen 9:15 am"
no response

oh
how we exist
so harmoniously in dream world

only to wake up
and disappoint reality

Watch the heartbreak melt away
Like an orange dreamsicle on hot sidewalks in front of your garage
Where bikes hang from ceilings, and cars stay clung to the earth
The smell of gasoline so faded by the warm rush of summer air
Parsley and tomatoes growing fruitfully from moist mulch

Watch the heartbreak melt away
Like the happiness leaving a familiar face
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings"
Those words running over and over and over in your head like a treadmill I never used.
Hands leaving space and entering shyly into fleece pockets

Watch the heartbreak melt away
Watch the heartbreak
Away

on our backs
barely touching anywhere except finger tips
smiling behind my eyes
my hair gets darker to match the grey sky
the branches and pinecones above us are black roses in full bloom
I thought they were getting closer to us
You said we were getting closer to them
And to each other
getting lost with you
I have no desire to be found anytime soon

lift your chin and smile please
you have no idea how gorgeous you are when you smile.

out of nowhere i see an icon i only thought existed in my prolonged dreams

go-go boots, striding down streets that are immortalized in 1980's plays

almost every song that comes on my hand-held robot croons like something from "**** Bill" - operatic, righteous, and honest

sights of beginnings and new beginnings on a small screen

the air between my mattress and the wall rumbles as we grow together again

he always longed for a pair of arms and legs to caress with his young face
his hands were delicate, though bruised and burned from creation
he stared into his gallery full of art
his lovers
he invests himself and gives everything to his current piece
when he's done, he's done
on to the next

he grew tiresome of psychedelic colors and infinite prisms.
he always grew tiresome though
fickle as freckles, indecisive as the ocean, easily bored as a child

he spotted the white gleam of the marble almost instantly
and he wanted it.
the giant, luminescent block wasn't as heavy as it looked
he carried it home on his hip and held it like a mother bird
he already saw the beauty inside

it took very little effort to mold what he saw
or wanted to see
the marble was softer than it looked
each piece that was chiseled off began to reveal a woman
she had curves like an old country road
big eyes that were filled with magic and adoration
he created her in a goddess' image
the time he spent on shaping her hips, *******, thighs, and waist were endless

the last piece of her he caressed with his chisel was her lips
details
the cupids bow, fullness, shape, and color

when he kissed her, she came alive
the color of an overcast sky filled her eyes
and she smiled
his hands pulled her close and he enveloped her
he brought her to life
they made love on the floor of the gallery
in front of all the other art
and he was so unapologetic about it
bringing her ecstasy over and over that she had never felt

inspiration struck him again
or maybe he was just bored of marveling over the same sculpture
he assured her that he needed time away from his art
all of it

he put in her the corner
and began sculpting something new
right before her eyes
but again, he assured her that he wasn't sculpting anything
even though she could see the work in front of her

the sculptor just wanted a full gallery.

father
my light in the darkness
sweet courage and humble strength
prayer
generosity always makes your roots smile like the sun in March
carnations and archived success
padre, papa
you make other men look like ants
how did I get so lucky?

Coming off the unbearably sweet high of our Nation's proud capital.
I salute you.
For bright mornings with fruit smoothies made so masterfully.
Afternoons of stasis.
Of quick showers and quick words on a condensed second floor.
Straight intelligence and legitimate knowledge.
Stories of brothers pranking in Palestine.
"Can I have some?" asked so coyly when candy is available for adults.
Thick hookah smoke burning my lungs and sapphire blues eyes.
Old nicknames. Flying off the tongue like song lyrics we all know.
Unfamiliar places, and familiar places.
Habibi. As-salamu alaykum. Words my cerebrum forgot but heart did not.
"Do you want coffee?" "Come here." "Kiss me."
Your smile. Your home. Your hands. Your eyes.
Nostalgia over taking our souls like baby pictures.
I wish it could've lasted forever.
But nothing does.
And that's good, right?
Too much of a good thing makes us greedy.

my empty stomach has been ringing and twisting for two days now

you finally proved to me that you’ve been floating outside of my perimeter

instead nestling inside where i’ll keep you safe

and rather than hauling you down and drowning you

in the depths of my anger and insecurity

i punish my empty stomach that’s been ringing and twisting for two days now

wrapped around each other closer than sheets to a bed
fuzz. eyelashes. teeth. soft skin.
you completely disarm me.
i will give you all my guns
just grab my limbs.
envelop me.
the way your legs get tangled in my anatomy like a sapling
that's eager to grow larger.
pelvic bones crashing together so perfectly clumsy.
you are my ocean. my beach. my sun, sky, and stars.

fog
i inch near you
pale skin covered in goosebumps
and i'm shaking

almost 6 cycles of the moon
and you still make my knees quake

who are you?
release your fears

sometimes i feel like a serpent
charming your eyes with my curves
moving so slowly
until i strike

sometimes i'm frightened
like a lost fox cub in the forest
wandering around in agony
searching for my leader

but i'm told
i'm too old
to be relying on childish fantasies

Give him his space
He doesn't like the attention
Even though that's how he pays his rent

He built an arena
Only lovers can fight.

I thought my armor was strong enough.

He lit that sword on fire and threw it to someone beneath him
As his eyes dilated from pleasure, watching me tear apart flesh in his honor.
In his name sake.

I arose.
******. Exhausted.
He clapped.
That's all.

I threw off the prize and laughed.
He is not my king anymore now.

13th and pine
15th and pine
12th and federal
broad and morris
13th and spruce
juniper and lombard
juniper and locust
13th and walnut
18th and ellsworth
12th and kater
23rd and christian
15th and rodman
9th and filbert
17th and carpenter
10th and spruce
17th and cecil b. moore
23rd and annin
17th and ellsworth
somewhere desolate in Germantown
broad and catherine
12th and spruce
4th and catherine
10th and christian
16th and reed