I take the shortest path imaginable to be among stars lining meticulously staked kiosks

beaming like the sun's gentle rays at dawn in autumn

mid-slumber, we float
skin colliding and causing ripples like pebbles in a stream

the noise he makes at 3 AM send a shock through my tattered and fragile skeleton

stopping short below my waist
where i start questioning my beauty because society hates an un-perfect anatomy
somehow that's your favorite place

early spring morning eyes that could sedate the wildest stallion

lips and teeth
so familiar

for minutes we've sat in silence with our limbs tangled

I've been waiting so long

the separate paths we crossed are conjoined at fingertips and hips

walk with me until the sun is barely peaking out

we're spilling out like whiskey on a hardwood floor

how are we still so full?

long strands of raven black hair brush against my lips
my thumbs create crescent moons on a porcelain cheek
blushing brow and lips
tiny, painted fingers curling forward and back
heat traveling down an hour glass waist
we're on fire, girl

one black stripe and one white stripe sit so solemnly on a small sliver on my skin

somehow it stayed on through friction and dishes

mirror light all around my footless legs

and flannel sheets beneath the dregs  

knees shake and the earth quakes, the aroma of maple syrup wafts through my open mind, oxytocin erupting and cradling it back to Point A

the patterns in the wooden floor shift every season and there never will be a reason

like breathing or blinking or loving or feeling

it just is

treble toned voice
inching closer as black-and-white men delve into mysterious plots
a paint-stained flannel rests easy on the cold floor
there's only time now for cheap beer and jutting eye contact
hair shampooed so freshly and genuine laughter
so familiar and so brand new

keep down your walls and blocks
you make me whir and purr like a little kitty cat
the scratch of your mustache on my peach lips
brown eyes that penetrate my pear skin
my blueberry eyes feasting on your apricot knuckles
and tasting your apple knees

a saturated sunset start showing her sensual side
wine dripping down my thighs
the way you look at me
don't do it but don't stop
teeth shining
****
limbs twisting
choke
hot skin crashing together like cymbals
when did the sun come up?
we couldn't notice because we were coming up all night

****.
1. I don't like sleeping because you're always in my dreams
2. Every time I walk down South Street, I hope I see you
3. I've been heart broken over you longer than the time we actually dated
4. I feel stupid for still loving you.

i sat up on a sinking down
over-grown messy hair scratching my face
and ***** plates piled in the sink
memories of a year ago flitter through my memory like old film
projecting sweeter and more saturated colors on a time I once loathed
why do things always seem better when they're from the past?
over-drawn lips
new curves
cracks and rolls
our to-do lists never seem to be complete
all we have is messy hair on our heads
and a sink full of ***** plates

how do i always manage to end up with my gloves up?

imagine this:
unbroken eye contact leads to an exchange of numbers that are now part of the modern identity
you think i can't tell how fearful and intrigued you are of my sharp tongue
intrigue leads to lust
rolling around flannel sheets at 2 am after hours of ****** bliss
then we sleep for hours and hours
swimming through each other's dreams like mermaids in the sea
repeat
repeat
your laugh begins to annoy me
repeat
my unwavering adoration is beginning to make you feel trapped
repeat
egos bruised and words that can't be taken back are thrown against the wall
repeat
i've been pushed over the edge
repeat
sleep alone
repeat
want you back
repeat





it's over.



start from the top again.

something about the cold drew me to you
the temperature of your bedroom kept me there
"i always liked the cold" you'd say
i wondered why
now I know it's because you craved inseparable proximity
you required love that i couldn't give, though i wanted to so desperately

you turned me into ice
because as soon as you made me melt
i cracked
and ran

My eyes are so swollen from flowers
We surf the stars
Curves together and sincere glances
Held together by skin
Carved in marble and slashed in cardboard
Breaking wood and cerebral intuition
I can ******* own mouth and I feel you
Fangs out and fists bared
Partners in crime for only moments
And say "Shoot muthafucka"
I'm the only one with the loaded gun.

you recognize what an absolute abomination you are to the word 'love'
in your deceptively warm gaze, you explain to me your "paradigm"
a selfish jumble of words of which you don't know the definition
just so you can appear to be greater
than just a confused and self-obsessed little boy.
how could i not see through you the way you saw through me
winking at everyone behind me
holding my hand but casting spells to bring you more and more 'love'
you burn everything to create room for more
you are a bottomless urn in a bottomless pit of self-indulgence
lying makes your heart and lips shrink, and baby, they're almost gone.
you sanctioned yourself as a god, but you're just a person
a person who can't look in the mirror and say 'I lied to you."
and you know what?
you're a disgusting ******* liar.
you are no Messiah. you are no saint. you are no prince of the sun.
you're not Jesus Christ. And you never will be.

air caresses me so gently unlike no lover has ever
the marijuana grabs me by the waist and rests her weary head on my *******
hush
shhhh
i'm here
never cry again
the earth and I dream together
pressing his solar spine into my solar plexus
i always preferred being the little spoon

i cradle you because i love you
i expect nothing in return because i love you
the universe created a masterpiece birthing you

a cacophony of church bells, loud expletives, and loud construction

you found me right before i got lost again
distrust and ******* make my shell more spacious and comfortable
the lion wasn't as docile as he seemed, so I ran inwards

right before my eyes lost sight of the light
two hands pulled me out
from the inside
and made me sparkle again

i've been watching you sleep
when the manifestos and proclamations of week days have become too heavy
slithering through me
i dream so much more beautiful
a block and half away from my own haven
streaks of red lipstick on my right hand
lullabies of your sleep talk

drinking you in
amongst a cacophony
of eyes and teeth
all blended into a gargantuan splash
that hits my skin
faster
than a wave on the shore

you soothe my stomach when you're inside me

you stop my brain when I make you smoking hot

hot breath
on necks
finger tips
digging into
hips
eyes at my waist
side
skin shivering
tongue
incantations
slipping under your spell

I could write an entire encyclopedia of my love for you and you still wouldn't care.

my love for you is as innocent as possible
i require no notes, long walks, or sweaty palms
i want nothing more than your lips on my lips
fingertips delicately grazing bones
and eye contact filled with unspoken admiration

my love for you as is simple as the alphabet
easy, and second-nature
no second thoughts
no clinging to vowels or consonants
just a swift fluid flash of jumbled letters
lining up like hieroglyphics
that express my undulating desire
to be as close to you as we are now

my love for you is mental vacation
from the lingering vice that i thought "love" was
because i've never felt more free
from you
with you
just us
even just for a moment, a day
i am full and complete
i require nothing more or less than just your company
and eyelashes on my cheek

my love
i've run out of things to say
my love, my love, my love
like a pop song
you are orange and yellow music and driving bass
percussive and uplifting
you will be stuck in my head for a while.

390 days of self talk isn't ****
when you have no self control
the way your hip bones stuck out still haunts me
i'm sorry things weren't perfect
the way they should've been
easter sunday was religious thanks to your
your hand on my waist for hours
"Adults can grow apart too."
We were barely adults.
infiltrating my dreams is not welcome
i wish you'd fully disappear instead of just physically
we'll be fine one day
but now we just have to live on
i hope you're happy

a very prominent philadelphia actor is still asleep next to me
i can't find my meteor
construction lurks outside
bang bang bang
he is stirring
i was everywhere last night
isn't it bizarre how memory works?
images rushing back like waves on a shore
who were we last year?
who were we last night?
I was so moved by terrible art
masturabatory
over romanticization of the highest pain
****
i amaze myself by how nice i can be sometimes
i hate being nice
life doesnt imitate art
whoever said that was a ******* idiot

Day 31. I promised myself I'd stop drinking, but my alcoholism has gotten worse.
Day 32. I was happy that you haven't added any women on facebook.
Day 33. My hands shook all day.
Day 34. You blocked my number.
Day 35. I lost myself in a man I didn't care about.
Day 36. I was so wasted.
Day 37. I had no choice to walk past your house.
Day 38. My cat made me think of you.
Day 39. I thought about stopping going to my neighborhood bar because I didn't want to see you anymore.
Day 40. I excessively brush my teeth.
Day 41. I fell in love with my home town.
Day 42. I depend on my sugar daddy.
Day 43. I started living in my roommate's bed.
Day 44. I still miss you so badly.
Day 45. I grabbed a Lil Kim record from my new guy's roommate.
Day 46. I put on so much make-up that I didn't recognize myself.
Day 47. I heard an inside joke we shared, and you weren't around and I cried.
Day 48. I stopped stalking your social media.
Day 49. I lost a friend.
Day 50. I think I'm going to be okay.

"I still have your books. Do you want to grab them and maybe get tea with me?"
Nov. 1st 2013

"I'm so sorry for bothering you last night."
Nov. 25th 2013

"You are killing me. I ******* hate that we can't talk."
Dec. 19th 2013

"I saw that you've been listening to Tom Waits' "Small Change" I hope you think about me when you listen to it."
Jan. 21st 2014

"God, do you know how ******* happy I am that we are getting back together?"
Feb. 10th 2014

"Please don't let this be the last time we talk. I can't lose you again."
Feb. 14th 2014

"Wow dude. You are ****** up. Your friends told me everything you've been doing."
Feb. 15th 2014

"You have no idea how much it means to me that you texted me about graduating. I was thinking about you during the entire ceremony and wished you were there to meet my parents."
May 16th 2014

"I wish you were here. It's my birthday."
July 12th 2014

"Happy Birthday. I remember last year when we went out with your family and it was so much fun. I love your family so much."
August 29th 2014

"I'm finally letting you go. I'm laying down the weight of you. I still love you, but I finally realize that I will never get to see you again or hear your voice. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. Maybe one day we'll be able to talk but I'm not going to be hopeful about it anymore. I hope your dog is okay."
Oct. 23 2014

frigid air whips across my face as I strut down a familiar path
i've never been here without my protector
half-way to the back, i spot you
freshly assembled like a dapper gentleman from the 1930s
winking like the man in the moon

i melt into the bar table
sticky and smooth
pate
covering my crooked teeth in an attempt to stay grounded
I once heard it wasn't "cool" to smile but I can't resist
images of the past and present dance on your forearms as you speak
almond eyes

when did your hand end up on my knee?
illustrated hands wrapped around me like a coloring book that's been filled in so carefully with brand new prismacolor markers
who could I say no in those blurry moments of limbs tangling?
an angel on my right shoulder
the devil on my left
bliss

the unforgiving sun won't let me rest easy
silver and glass reflecting through a beautiful space
too shy to speak

this morning I was a lion when I should've been a lamb

maybe there's still some mystery left for you to keep hunting me

you rest a pipe in
the place between my
hip bone and stomach
it was cold
you were anything
everything
but cold

I dress and hold you
like a child
your pheromones intoxicating me
coughs
snores
gentle moans that require attention
bed shifting
the texture of the sheets subbing together
this is our symphony
I'm drunk off the scent of your hair and skin
artists created Gods in your image
shadows highlight your emaciation
static.
vibrato from sing-alongs
red wine and irish whiskey are bringing us together
and tearing us apart
we are both pilgrims
and
we are both savages
grabbing at my shirt like a little baby who needs his mommy
we sing to your body so
ceremoniously
nuzzling, rolling, blushing, adjusting
our souls require choas
clumsiness excused

He stands tall
proud
open
vertebrae linear
shining like the moon
sugar skin wrapped around  
delicate bones
and hardworking hands

He exudes comfort
like a warm summer night lying beneath billions of
constellations
they shine brighter with him
like crystals

Flowers grow from him
His heart is so much more caring than the sun
who berates delicate green tendrils with unforgiving heat
mysterious clouds can't shield his
effervescent energy
nor can smoke

He shoots electricity from his
fingertips
sparking life
igniting

He lifts massive weights
of time
of pressure
from the world's shoulders

He is now and infinite.

i'm sorry that i'm not good enough
i'm sorry that you don't think of me first thing when you wake up
i'm sorry that i wasted your time
i'm sorry that i embarrass myself for loving you
i'm sorry for thinking that my poetry is any good, it's not.
i'm sorry for spending so much money traveling
i'm sorry for thinking that you loved me
i'm sorry for scaring you
i'm sorry for drinking all your tea
i'm sorry that you look away when we have ***
i'm sorry for pulling your hair.
i'm sorry that i get jealous of your blatant apathy
i'm sorry that i cry when i come to terms that i'm not your #1
i'm sorry for rambling on about how much i care for you
i'm sorry for dreaming about you
i'm sorry that you don't think i'm worth it
i'm sorry that you ignore me
i'm sorry for trying too hard to make you care
i'm sorry for smiling like an idiot when i wake up to texts from you
i'm sorry for ranting and raving about how wonderful i thought you were
i'm sorry for giving you a second, third, fourth, fifth thought
i'm sorry that my head is littered with you
i'm sorry that you can drive all the way up for someone else and not me
i'm sorry that i cried in front of you
i'm sorry that i showed any kind of emotion to you
i'm sorry for saying 'sorry' too much
i'm sorry that we've spent hours talking and I still know nothing
i'm sorry that i sleep too much and miss you
i'm sorry that i want you at 4 am when I can't sleep
i'm sorry that i think about ******* you when i'm at work
i'm sorry for sweating on your sheets
i'm sorry for taking up too much space
i'm sorry for thinking you were forever
i'm sorry for using you as inspiration
i'm sorry for spending too much time waiting
i'm sorry for impatient train rides
i'm sorry for not smiling enough
i'm sorry for asking too many questions
i'm sorry for the blow jobs
i'm sorry for moving around too much when i sleep
i'm sorry for having too much to say
i'm sorry for not having anything to say during dinner
i'm sorry for not eating enough
i'm sorry for wasting money on things that make us distant
i'm sorry for even thinking we are close to begin with
i'm sorry that i hate seeing you with another women
i'm sorry that i love seeing you with another man
i'm sorry for my rational jealousy
i'm sorry that we both **** 18 year olds
i'm sorry that we are growing
i'm sorry for losing everything
i'm sorry for drinking too much and smoking too much
i'm sorry for my hypocritical views on human interaction
i'm sorry that i have no idea what to call myself
i'm sorry that i lie to myself about how you really feel about me
i'm sorry that you don't see me as a work of art, the way i see you
i'm sorry that my kisses are starting to bore you
i'm sorry that you are obsessed with carbon copies
i'm sorry that you can't build a bridge
i'm sorry that i still think of him when i touch myself
i'm sorry that i hurt myself
i'm sorry that i need to be alone
i'm sorry that you being unresponsive makes me feel worthless
i'm sorry that i care so ******* much
i'm sorry that i want you
i'm sorry this happened.

sitting cramped in like sardines on a double decker bus is beginning to feel normal and comfortable
vanilla and wild flowers lay on my tongue as I drift away
all my old lovers faces are beginning to blur together
all pieces of the puzzle that creates what I ultimately want in a human
one thing here
one spot there

my shirt is so sheer that you can see the pink of my skin
chapped lips and blood-shot eyes don't bring romance

the smell of pine wraps its gentle arms around me and cradles me to sleep
this is winter
good winter

i drank 12 beers yesterday and still remembered your street name
- no one can love me how i love them
- the last meal i ate was three days ago, it was soup
- i woke up with your name on my lips
- 23 years have gone by and I still won't clean my room
- crying in front of you is my worst nightmare
- ******* is keeping me from destroying everything
- "you look like a poem when you cry"
- i think about having *** with you when i'm at work
- red wine puts things into perspective
- i'm sorry but i don't believe a ******* word you say
- music is a form of escapism
- i apologize way too much for my own good

do you even know much an extra inch of height can do?
you make me feel like the goddess of trees
smoke billowing out of our parted lips and crooked teeth
eyes slowly fading in and out of mundane reality
floating through dilapidated streets filled with solemn expressions
the corners of my lips just won't turn down
eleven years stand between us, but it feels like we were born together
maybe in a past life i was your queen that you decorated delicately
with soft kisses on my stomach and shoulders
freckles quivering and sparkling like stars in the night sky
that tiny room is our kingdom of indulgent lust
you let me rule so justly
falling asleep to the whispering wind and the soft sensation of peace

I'm not as skinny, and I love my curves.
2. I have less money in my bank account, but it's okay.
3. My tea is better than your's now.
4. I forget what your shoulder smells like.
5. I've had better ***.
6. Our naughty videos make me sad, not turned on.
7. I'm forgetting your family members' names.
8. My hair is darker and my lips are fuller.
9. I don't seek anyone's approval. I am who I am.
10. I've moved twice.
11. I've loved someone other than you.
12. I graduated from college.
13. I'm not afraid of going to your old neighborhood in North Philly.
14. I'm not ashamed of my music aesthetic
15. I love myself..

you make me sparkle
like the sea in the middle of summer
twinkling eyes and beaming pear white skin
my tongue tickles as i run her across your unshaven face
knobby knees knocking
toes touching
eyelashes slowly dancing up
down
up down
up up up
barely floating
barely breathing
barely being able to look at each other
you are a vacation from the ordinary

i often fantasize about the things i wish i could've done differently
looking back
it was only a handful of moments that really
just
well
anyway
i purposefully watch recorded memoirs of us making love
eyes locked like a heavily armed diamond safe
we couldn't break the code of our iris' and souls merging
i purposefully read notes and messages that were written in total bliss
somethings i scoffed off as nothings that ended up being the most something somethings that were ever somethings and they were special
never asking myself why
why did you walk away with fists when they should've been full of flowers
why did you terrorize the medicine man
why did you find solace in an eggless bird when you had the comfort of a lion leading a pride of loyal and loving knights and healers
the more i remind myself how much
much
i can't even put to words the agony i caused to your open heart
****
it makes me so much less bitter and hateful towards you
because your only crime against me was loving my touch and eyes
when I didn't deserve it.
but at least i can set you free
and hope you get the love that i should've blessed you with
the way you blessed me
only now it's starting to feel like a curse
because i'm starting to feel
like i can't feel
that feeling
that love feels like
what does it feel like?
it's been too long and my heart is beginning to turn to black ice

You fly away when I want to hold you and you fly away when I don't give you attention.

What kind of bird are you?

quantum intimacy was always my breakfast
only now do I understand
many masks all unique in texture and shape
when we're young we learn how to play on swings
as adults
we all know the up swing
only the lucky ones can pump us back and forth
up down
up down
up down
(god that sounds familiar)
(like a cheap wire spring mattress on a tuesday night when you promise I'm the only one and my body melts in your palm)
cards are kept at the holders eye
you never let me know whats up your sleeve
so why should I show you the gold I have hidden?

+
1. biting pens the way I used to bite your lip
2. that shot of alcohol you don't need just to forget yourself
3. not sleeping because you always reside in my dreams
4. eating too much to not feel empty
5. not eating because i'm too full of regret

i always thought that i didn't need money to have fun
i was foolish once.
higher cheekbones.
higher knowledge.

double penetrated with nostalgia and female empowerment.

Flaxen hair. Green eyes. The most familiar smile I've seen in forever.
I cry when she cries because we were born the same in different lands.

A South Philly Jordan Baker.
The tea is hot.

My inner serpent wants to crawl around your body
Your eyes rolling back into your cerebellum.

Scratchy face
Making my neck and cheeks sparkle and tingle

I want your teeth next to mine.

soft lips wide hips small **** big heart short hair long love and patience

explore your nostalgia

only stretching and cooing once 11 am has rolled through like the rolling in bed we did the night before when the moonlight was stabbing through the blinds and reflected on my pear-white skin

your eyelashes make me smile when i think about them

walking alone in the middle of the day when i get restless and i need to just go

escape the lonely, overly warm air in the four walls i inhabit

why do I sweat and shake so much?
As I bite into apple skin

a familiar voice glossed with golden tone
completed with dollar store sparkles

we spent weeks building wooden block pieces in the image of our love

or i thought

i was that L-word that I can barely articulate anymore without laughing because it's all just a beautiful, stupid joke

we spin webs

naked in your resting place as I curl around like an ******* tentacle

you kiss me there
my legs embrace your shoulders
and that's when our eyes meet
a night of squirming finally consummated
by one morning of quick glance of brown and blue

"oh god" rolls off your trained vocal chords as you roll like a wave on the shore.'

we've lost ourselves in these moments of pure passion.
I want all of you all the time
Sweating,
Dizzy.
Completely disoriented.

Can we just spin together until we fall?

i need an outlet
congested breath is starting to give me insomnia
resting limbs on private parts
somehow the night turned to day so quickly
from black to muted mauve
to sunshine
blinding
three cigarette packs, two bars of chocolate, and a key
when did the air stop being cold?
fingers grazing curves
curves growing
turquoise ink stationary on soft skin
and your greying hair
sugar teeth
my solitude is much better with your company

up in the east coast we have this saying
drink a beer, take a shot, gimme a kiss
or get the **** out

our lips curl
we are the girls your mama warned you about
not because we are bad
well, we are bad, but bad meaning naughty
your mama didn't want you to have desire in between your knees
hot, rough, soft, wet, cold, treat, candy, precious, cotton, gems, pure
the smaller the floor space, the closer we get
the ink in your skin spreads
wait

no
nevermind
:)
devour me

Lagavulin and Diet Coke.
I wish I had something to smoke.

Blue eyes and crooked teeth.
My eyes light up when I'm mad.
Even more when you call me bad
girl. She's become such a loner.
And stopped being a stoner.

Isolated in a tiny home.
Still feels like she's not grown.

Broken bed.
I don't want to live but I don't want to be dead.

School girl shoes click click click
sidewalk symphony
serendipitous solace
suspicious sadness
solitude solves cerebral sickness

Always lazering in on body language
two and a half full years of casually impersonal hand touches
give, take
give, take
immaturity rises when i lose sight of the present and you ask stupid questions
let's just forget the past, present, and future
but please don't do

sometimes it feels like it's not getting cold fast enough
other times i'm terrified of being shut in away from frigid air
god
i hope this year is different
with less days spent entirely in bed
forcing myself to sleep on mascara stained pillows
oh
how belittling it was
wasting away on a beer stained matress
i'm completely transparent to my house mate
you tried not to look at me because he knows it will make him crumble
where did the time ago?
it feels like i've been stuck on a swing set for 365 days without stopping

I have no need for rainbows
I wish the world was forever night
warm and dark
like my disposition
so i could hide and not be seen when i wanted to be alone
and simply blame it on the lack of light

I felt you in my bones
Strolling home
An instant of nostalgia and euphoria
I saw the Galaxy in your spine
The seasons are changing
Your cold gaze feels like autumn wind
Golden warmth of limbs draping
Smoke and tahini
We've lost ourselves
It's a good thing.

when i'm with you
everything else seems so
insignificant