Evening coffee grows cold on my old oak desk
While my phone sits silently
As acquaintances grow distant
In mockery of a social life turned burlesque

So I lie, in apathy, on my twin-sized bed
And make no effort to stir
While the glowing globe in the evening portrait
Falls silently as I rest my head

She's something else
She's got that magical way about her
That can make me cry or smile
On my darkest of days

But I'm someone else
And I've been hurting forever
I've been waiting a nice long while
For her to make her way

Back into my arms

But she's a wonderful young woman
With all of the dignity
And none of the indignation
And she makes my heart soar

And I'm just a man
With all of the sincerity
And heartfelt elation
I ask myself

What was I waiting for?

Sweet
Subtle
Affection
Is what I feel for you

And that will never change

Abiding
Sweetly
Silently
In my heart made new

Just a crosswalk away
My phone chimes with an "I see you"
It's been a long day
I type out playfully, "I see you too"

Are You okay with me?
Was I sweet enough to keep close?
I'm trying, can't you see?
New year, new you, that's usually how it goes

I guess

I am bound eternally
Not by the ties of guilt and sin
But to his righteous name
Bright shining as the sun, within

Above the boiling roads
Where hatred brews and spits
I know my nature, loathing
Baal, and his blasphemous wits

This side of eternity
I will strive and fall, headfirst
Bloodied knees rise again
Christ, redeemer, quench my thirst

For life

Tearing up and down the paths
Leaves and pecan shells on the old concrete
We thought it would last awhile
But while it did, it was sweet

Now I can’t drive over the old river bridge
Without breaking down

Nineteen years and I couldn’t have been less prepared
But I’m joyful over the memories we shared
Because in the end
I made a friend

I Love You

We met up at our old spot
To exchange gifts long overdue
And I’ve never been so scared
Yet so relieved, to see you

You are the sunshine I never wanted
When the moon draws back at morn
You are a tragedy I long to forget
Laced with waste my past you adorn

Die alone

There's an old curtain hanging in my closet
I reach my hand out to touch it sometimes
And sometimes I feel another hand, small and trembling
Reach back through, as if to ask for me to hold it

Tangled up in winding ropes
Of some sobering, humble tragedy
Retracing the steps leading
To the body of some old elegy

While flames dance across her porcelain legs
Making marks on her calves in the shapes of crosses
Holy heat in the crucible of a crucifix
Reminding her of the binding expression
six, six, six

I could have been your guide
While every star in the night sky died slowly
But You didn't know what You wanted
Or rather, You wanted anything but me

Bound to a boxspring
With scars on her legs and feet
Eyes adjusting to the light
The faint glow of day warm and sweet

I had never seen wings so silken
Like sheets of cashmere doused in flame
With arms open wide, tied
As if she were a part of the old bed frame

I ask her for her name
As though she would remember vividly
Eight long weeks in the dark
She croaks “sorrow” timidly

While I stood above my grave
Above my body held in time's temporal grasp
Beside the flowers and the tide
I look back on everything, that was nothing, but a wave

It's raining up in heaven, or so they say
The cherubim lament the choices that I've made
The father's hands hold me where I lay
If hell has frozen over, then why is heaven so far away

An ocean to tear my spirit from my frame
The warmer waters fear me all the same
I've seen it and it kills me to know its name
All I ask of you is that you'll take your aim

If I can see the sun come up above the morning mist anew
I could give away a piece of me and know it's killing you
The tragedies that took place in this home that I once knew
Will remind me of the things I feared, and how I found out the truth

Hammered again and hearing voices
Left paranoid, again, by my own poor choices
I could never hate myself more than I hate You
You’re just an empty bottle
You are just an empty bottle
You are only an empty bottle
And when I stop to think about it
I know You hate Me too

I cannot hold your gaze for too long my love
To do so would break my heart into many pieces
Scattered atop this hill adorned with leaves
"Then hold my hand tighter than ever," she says

To keep your heart wound up with mine
All the while we hold each other closer
Her eyes are but windows into a vast, autumn grove
And her hands warm my cold, crying heart, once more, then twice over

And the Lord dwelled within me
And outside of me
Never outside my reach
Yet always so far away

Prone to wander
Lord, I feel like it
Hiding in this trench
Too blind to see it

And the throes of your mighty hands
Performed a great work in my heart
And I was broken down to my very elements
Sent out to sow a seed, and reap it

Wide swings the door with the rusted old lock
That holds my memories of outfields and headrests
When we were but children, we saw life through a window
With sunlight spilling into a quiet childhood bedroom

Give me cause
And a childlike mind
A love that makes your heart smile
And a heart that finds joy in being kind

In the quiet, loving arms of the father who's breast
Beats with the heart that so lovingly made us
A peaceful lull in a sun-touched valley is his love
That will provide us with comfort, quiet, and rest

I wanted to look at our stars together, one last time
But instead, I sat in front of that old dusty keybed
Without a thought, with tears coming to my eyes
You offered me comfort and a quiet place to rest my head

It was too dark to see down, over the edge
I wished for the sky to swallow me up
And take me home somewhere way up there
But instead, I lept, off of your love, a steep and jagged ledge

I will lie at the foot of your throne
Enthralled to hold this aching pull
In your midst, I would cease to be
My skin burning like paper in oil

Allow my joy in aching to blossom
While my back bears the weight of my suffering
The whites of my eyes turn red from the tears
I shed for thee, out of love and loathing

My sins are many but your mercy is more
So let me die to my body, and let my heart soar
With the love of the father, who died for me
And suffered too, with eyes to see

Precious addictions
Eliciting hurtful suspicions
Screaming for help
In painful constriction

Drawing me out
In droves of nothing
I can't think, feel, or love
That nothing became something

And it hurts so bad

"You tied my wings together...
and you cut them away..."

I am your shattered vision
Residing, restless in this pile of broken glass
The unmoving gaze of your psyche's fission
Among the shards that perforate your past

Uncertainty, a razor to the skin

Expectations, a close shave

Why do You appear to me?
In the reflection of a beautiful shell standing speechless
Looking at Me that way
On the sand where I thought our futures remained faultless
I don't want You to look at Me any more  
My face is deformed and You don't care for Me any more

Look away while You can
And gaze at Your reflection
The burnt ends of My anger toward myself
And the negativity of a life void of affection

Are making those ends fray and split
Like a stalk in a breeze
Calm and collected
Helpless and at ease

If nothing at all
then something, somewhere

Nothing warms My heart more than a summer peach
Sweeter than honey and softer than cashmere
Summer sunflowers to brighten up the old oak shade
Tranquil drawl in a sing-song voice, a lullaby to my ear

While I stood above my grave
Above My body held in time's temporal grasp
Beside the stones and coke-white dust
My decrepit lungs release a spine-chilling rasp

I:Acknowledgment
And had he not loved me first, my love would never whisper
The prince of peace left a golden scepter, to my soul, the lowly drifter
The vanity and blights of man he has seen, all things, all knowing
The children of the Lord, bought with blood, red, pouring, flowing

II:Observance
The fatherless of the nephilim, lie between two stairwells
One leading down to death, One promising a gathering, and the sounding of bells
He who chose those that would follow, from the dawn of Adam
He promised refuge and blessings, far off from that great chasm

III:Acceptance
And though tomorrow is promised not
And our melancholy are great
The king of heaven is peering down
His children lie in wait

IV:Comfort
When fire and stone carpet our skylines
Far atop the tallest hills
The father returns for the orphan children
Bathed in white, a promise filled

V: A Prayer
O Father, who laid up the water and hills
The populations and beasts at your side
I give unto You my melancholy
My fears reside in Your right hand, My loathing in Your left
May you give unto your children the bread of life
Your body broken for the healing of the weak
Forgiveness I accept should thou provide
Grace I accept should thou provide
Mercy I accept should thou provide
My transgressions are many, but more is your command
May you make the weight of my sin like a bale of straw on the back of my heart
May You comfort my spirit, broken by those who hated you long before my mother knew my name
And for those that know You not, in their hearts or in their steps
May you find forgiveness and love, as you found for me
The king of all, forever and beyond my understanding
be merciful unto us in our time of need
Your kingdom reigns eternally
Quam spiritus et cordis, ut benedicat tibi iste miser,
Amen

Running:
What he lost that day was more than love, less than hatred
What replaced it was a feeling of soft neutrality
Nothing left to lose, but everything to gain
His future is a loaded gun, his target: tenacity

Gunning:
Giving all he has, concrete monuments cement his mind
Softly spoken, but teeming with fires
A furnace laced with bullets, guarding a heart of gold
The spirit of a brother, who's fight never tires

Hide Me:
Romanticize this life, make it look extravagant
Like a bust of porcelain and gold
Explain away my fears and convictions
Every day of my life, until I'm far too old

Help Me:
Paranoia does not make You beautiful
Nothing is nice about fear and loathing
The water is always warmest on the deepest end
I'd rather drown, so help me forget my fear of floating

Spinning:
Spiraling down isn't half as hellish as spinning upward
Knowing there's no oxygen when You get there
And if You make it, it's slow
Painfully slow, because there is no air.

Swallowing:
It goes down thick and stout like castor
Turning your stomach in shapes You've never felt
Accepting it is the toughest part
While You watch the person in the mirror melt

Through my teeth went Your knuckles
In a ****** pile on the hardwood floor
One by one You picked them up
And left them by my bedroom door

Through My hatred for life I bred these feelings
And now I take them out on You
It's only natural You'd come back to bite Me
So at least I can say we're even now too

To stop me from feeling
You must stop my heart from beating
So look back into me
And feel my soul fleeting

To keep me from seeing
You must blind my eyes forever
So shine your light bright
And through my synapse sever

To keep me from speaking
You must bind up my mouth
So grab your belt by it's loop
And send my words deep south

To keep me from from thinking
You must break down my mind
So load up your gun
And leave my thoughts behind

I got out of bed just to look at my alarm clock
To see how long I'd slept in for
I looked around my room for my glasses and hairbrush
And found nothing but an open drawer

To the left of me came a buzz, like a carpenter bee
And a glow that shone on the spine-lined wall
I wasn't expecting it to be you this early
In fact, I wasn't expecting you at all

Where did I see you last?
How did we meet?
What was your name behind that dim photograph?
You didn't say anything, and you wouldn't answer me

Am I wrong for forgetting?
And is this so out of my control?
Will You forgive me when I remember what I did?
Or will the pulse of my memory forever lose it's hold?

Pen your love and tell her you're dead
The angel spoke to the soldier
Where have I gone o' seraphim bright?
Where is my nurse and my bed?

The angel spoke, like a peal of thunder
You will suffer no more, nor fight, nor weep
Your valiant efforts are theirs to bear
They that knew you now lie and wonder

And what of my mother, and brother, and son?
The young soldier said with a tear
The angel spoke again, with relief and a grin
Rejoice! and be merry, for their fight is done

Grappling wind shear like a knife, making subtractions in my skin
I can hardly wait to hit the ground, up, down, out, and in

Headfirst to the earth, soaring downward from high above
A crater makes my resting place in the earth
Black and blue and bold in love

Apartment 077
Down the hall
7th on the Right
Nothing special at all

Alarm rings at 7:00 AM
Robe on the bathroom door
Breakfast first thing at 7:22
Out the door by 7:54

Roommate gone to work
Department store by day
Office job for him
Stop for coffee on the way

Work until 6:00 PM
Roommate home at 8:00
Every Second is a memory
So why can't I remember the date?

Mom's birthday on Friday
Overtime on Saturday
Sleep in on Sunday
But what happens on Monday?

I don't want to go to a party
But maybe I should
What if I go on Monday?
I bet he would if he could

Every Second Is A Memory
So I remember everything
But the moment that stuck
Hand on the clock/glock: 7:58 (PM)

From nothing I made You
To be fruitful and grow
One rule to guide You
And You fail

What separates us is a sky
I am Everything
Your mind is a cage
And it is frail

When I look to the Earth
It is hollow and cold
My regrets are enough but not plenty
You have broken my covenant with You
Adam, You will die and lust for death
No death will find You

To be one with Me is to reverse time
A concept known only to me, Truthfully
Mankind will fail, time and time again
But will remain hopeful and proud
Eternally

Visions of a little fishing boat
Floating in a little fishing pond
Cloudless day, O' cloudless day
Headmaster of our learning rote

Rockets and fire and earthly cries
When nothing is lost, what's to be found?
Ascension is paramount when we become one
Basking beneath the sun burnt skies

Soaring in waves beyond the blue
A mass of original sin to be cleansed
A being of one, not two, not three
We are all You, and You are all Me

Of all the things you could have done
You chose to walk this route
You chose to hang your head this low
To lie and sigh and pout

Amongst your loved ones you live a lie
And tell the truth you'd rather die
A road of pity, sorrow, and pain
And it's far too late to change your lane

My bedroom ceiling, I've noticed, is not perfectly smooth
A vast little land with little bumps, bruises, stains, and holes
I like to lie and think of the little battles that took place there
Just above My restless head while the nightlights sway and soothe

My brother sleeps across the room, loud, roaring, and snoring
Enough to keep Me up past midnight, enough to make Me scream
Every hiccup, belch or restless motion, tosses him up like an upset ocean
And as I lie there, growing tired, I begin to find his noises boring

My canine ears enjoy eavesdropping
On animals, cars, people and things
An airplane soaring, a gondolier oaring
The neighborhood dog growling and barking, or My sister's movie night popcorn popping

My stuffed pets lie, awake with Me too
They won't drift off to sleep until I do
I hold My stuffed dog, Rover, to My chest
Trying to sleep, at My father's behest

There will be evenings, just like this one, where I climb into bed, and lie awake at night
Where sleep will cleverly evade Me, and dreams will ignore My every plea
But blessed am I, to be safe in My bed, safe in My home, safe with My family
There's always a chance, that You can drift off to sleep, as soon as You turn out the ceiling's light

Take hold of her porcelain hand, and whisk her away
Wrapped in ribbons, through rolling hills, dancing until the
sun-drenched morn
Laughter and song, and shelter provide, for the hearts whose names are penned,
Intertwined in lovesick song, spoken sweetly, that summer in May

In My arms laid, that sweet, shining child.
Holding so tightly, her gaze to her mother's glowing, humbled face.
The blues and grays and blacks of dusk, lie dormant this sweet morning.
When two came together to become one. That crisp dawn, so humble and so mild.

She would rather a two-night stand with some ***** creature
Androgynous, hopeless, fruitless, born with a womb
Wrapped in skin, she closes up and accepts the night's seed
A starry sky knocks her up, an ****** feature

Innocence makes it's escape from the jaws of the sun
Beauty, grace, fertility, unto her a child cries out
It's father to be, crying stars to fill the pond
The sun opens it mouth, it is done

That familiar night falls yet again, covering him in ink
No longer bearing children, he floats off into the night
The children have ventured out, lonely and afraid
The sun bites once more, black to blue, white to pink

I will not lament the cold
It's embrace, biting and mighty
A long drawn sigh from the Giant's mouth
Begins a tale so loved and so old

Her mind was innocent, whimsical and young
When the story took life with the old Giant's tongue
A little stone house, it's path guarded with snow
With a little creek frozen over, not an ebb, nor a floe

Yet a heart of heavy iron did reside in his chest
With darkened, old memories He did long to forget
Those tired, warm eyes cried cold, frozen tears
When that biting, mighty frost came through
That to his only beloved son laid rest