The desire of something you used to have will fade,
But the desire of something you've never had never goes away.

I don’t understand how I even try, especially when the only thing I ask is “Why?”
Did you play with me as if I were a puppet in some game?
Or did I mean anything to you at all?
You give truth to the phrase “All men are the same”
And one day, I pray, that your pride will meet its downfall
For nobody deserves this… your selfishness.

Ignorance is such a beautiful thing,
But oh how toxic it can be.
You poisoned my mind with words of beauty,
Songs of joy my heart did sing,
But now that I know the truth,
Your reputation has been tainted.
How perfect a picture of deceit you painted.
Your behavior is (for a lack of a better word) uncouth.
Some warned that trusting you would be unwise,
But an underlying dissonant chord grew.
Maybe deep down I always knew,
But you spout such symphonious lies.
You devoured my helplessness in a bite so vicious,
But I wanted to live in my reverie,
I didn’t believe the tales of your devilry.
To my morality I’ve become oblivious.
My rationality has become a hindrance.
How can I be wrong if I did not know?
The only thing now (even as it seems impossible) is to let go,
But never will I forget the beauty of my ignorance.

I need to become a better artist.
I still haven’t found a way to craft the perfect mask.
Usually the one’s I make are too soft and melt down my face,
Or they are too brittle and they crumble too easily.

I want to be an inspiration.
I want to have someone look up at me,
My neck is too sore to keep looking up at everyone else.
There are many that overshadow me.
I try to get ahead and I reach out for the light,
But the shadows that they cast are far too big.
I have such big shoes to fill.
But I’m still growing as a person,
And that takes time.
And maybe some day I will get my own pair instead,
And they will fit me perfectly.

Give me the courage to speak,
The confidence to act,
The wisdom to understand,
The hope that can lift my heart of stone and ice.
Thaw it.
Break it.
Pry it open.
Rid the waste that has tainted it.
Let it flow rivers of gold again.

But sometimes a hardened heart isn’t so bad...
It cannot bleed,
It cannot shatter.
It will protect me from my suffering.
It will make me stronger.
Even if that requires becoming a bit more bitter.

Once you made me happy,
It was only just for a little while,
Now I can really finally smile.
I refuse to be shackled.
I can claim my victory
In my internal battle.
Now I am free,
I refuse to feel blue.
I can be happy with just being me
I am free of you.

The morning brings renewal
And the stream of sunlight
Washes away
The tears of yesternight

I'm just a bookmark
In the story of your life.
One that you won't necessarily forget,
But one that will end up getting lost on the pavement and trampled.
I'm not even a chapter in your life.
I'm not a part of your story at all.
I'm just merely
a bookmark.

A recurring chant.
One that makes many of those who suffer
Compulsive liars
whether it be towards others
or themselves.

you said you were in love,
you claimed to be in utopia,
you called her your light, your everything,
did a single soul know who it was for?
She is supposed to be me.
I thought she was me..
until you joked with a girl about marrying her
and ******* her...
when you were supposed to be mine,
and you left and came back
expecting me to be there when in my heart I moved on.
you neglected me,
and still expected me to satisfy your disgusting desires.
you left me that last time
as I was about to leave for good.
you left with the last lie
and found someone else
that I can tell has been in your sights
for the longest
because now that I’m gone,
you don't have to waste your time.

Nec possum tecum vivere, nec sine te.
It will end in death either way.

An auspicious vicissitude
Can easily become a brevity of euphoria
And emotions become a poetic verbiage
In our unuttered votive of veracity
Due to our mind's vicarious compliance with our heart's volition

I saw it coming a mile away.
I knew it wouldn’t end well,
But I didn’t bother avoiding the wreck.
I only stood in shock,
Engulfed by euphoria,
Feeling as light as a feather.
I was flying
In a warm sunny sky.
And then bam!
Ringing.
Discombobulation.
Searing pain.
And in an instant I felt like I was dying.
Of course I didn’t.
Even after these long months,
My wounds have not fully healed.
And even when they do,
I will be scarred.
This is love.

Music is the fuel
Of the fire in my soul.

The world gets quieter.
It gets darker.
The hot, salty tears sting my eyes and burn my cheeks.
What is going on?
Am I dying…?
I start to choke.
My lungs shrink, pleading for one more breath.
I am desperate to scream.
But it feels as if someone has stolen my voice.
I am disoriented.
I don’t know what’s up or down or left or right.
Everything is spinning around me.
I cannot think.
My thoughts are fuzzy and lost.
My blood burns as if lava courses through my veins,
Yet I shake as if I were plunged into a freezing ocean.
I am drowning.
I sink deeper and deeper.
The pressure crushes my chest.
My hearts pounds like a war drum.
I am at war.
This is one of my daily battles.

But how do I achieve victory?
I am losing.
I am running out of strategies…

Add another to your **** streak,
You’re on a roll.
Hey why stop now?
You must take such pride in this.
Headshot- **** assist: +2
You must enjoy getting close to use your knife;
The thrill of being so close to life draining before your very eyes.
That could easily be turned against you,
But you must have a lot of practice.
Am I just another target?
Your accuracy is deadly.
It amazes me how merciless you are.
I am too fearful to fight back.
And in the end,
You will win.

I advocate words of inspiration and truth
But deep inside my mind resides the voices that whisper lies that drift to the surface that I try to keep hidden, and it's so difficult to act when you can't even convince yourself the role you play. And there, just hovering, those words shall simply remain for me to dwell upon.

Time slows down
One minute the equivalent of an hour,
One hour seems like a day,
One week is an eternity.
My brain drains my body’s vitality.
No matter how much I sleep,
I cannot live in reality.
The circumstances of life sweep over me.
I am a rock at the bottom of a river,
Just watching the water flow by.
So fast,
So smooth.
I’m stuck.
This weighs me down.
One affair can bind my mind
As a mother wraps a frightened child.
But
It shrouds me in fear and uncertainty
It kills so slowly
That it seems as if nothing is happening.
It’s grasp is strong
As if it is a starving predator holding onto it’s prey.
It feeds on my existence
And it can never be satisfied.

Life can be like a seesaw
With it's highs and lows
And sometimes at a low point
You hit the ground hard enough where it bruises and hurts
And sometimes you shoot into the air in a wild rush of euphoria.
Love can be similar.
Except with you on the other end,
You stay at the bottom
Holding me in the air
Feeling as if I could touch the sky.
But you can easily just get up and walk away without looking back
Leaving me all alone
To fall.

In this field where red roses die,
turns black and shrivels and dry,
Is where tulips thrive,
Yellow and white they multiply,
Dyed grey is the sky,
As storm clouds roll by,
An icy wind bites, despite
The raging fire inside.
Here, love is despised
As all is deprived.
This is where dreams, hope, and desire
Shall meet its demise
In solitude, due time.

I want to be me
but everyone has these expectations
where I cannot be free.
I am trapped in a being
One of utter selfishness and selflessness
one that doesn’t have meaning.
There is so much buried down so deep
I’m too afraid and too tired to dig it all out
that he final solution seems to be eternal sleep.

He made me scared to touch,
Scared to feel,
Scared to love,
Because it's never real.

Even now, even if I keep what is written to myself, I cannot help but hold back.
It is all I've ever done, all I've ever known.
Symphonies in my mind,
entire stories, movies unable to be unleashed.
Masterpieces longing to break free.
All stuck, trapped in my head.
Scared to admit what lies and hides inside me to the world and myself.
Enveloped in a blanket of numbness, the fiery passion dwindling.
You being my inspiration,
But lacking the will and strength to write.

My true love lies
In an open field
Of hills, plains, and daisies
With mountains on the horizon,
A vast calm sea,
A vivifying breeze behind me,
And a bright, clear, wide open sky.

Let me float in the ocean
Let the waves caress my broken body
Let me be carried off to where the water meets the sky
And when my world turns upside down,
I'll be able to fly.

The angel of death follows me like a loyal dog,
Slowly claiming more and more of me,
Disguised with the faces of people I know.

Call it the love child of art and philosophy
Or a connection of souls that goes beyond sociology
However deliberate and empirical
Or attentive and lyrical
The carefully chosen words paint a masterpiece in your mind
About the emotions derived
from experiences behind.
Let the words fill every crevice of your memory through time
While they may be different from theirs and mine.
Poetry is a music that resonates in our being
Sitting
in our hearts, is freeing
but especially, actively paints that uniquely perfect picture as it should
As I have tried, my hand never could.

I wear a smiling mask
And I can put on a decent act,
Until what is bottled up inside
Spills out from the tiny cracks.

To lie under a tree,
To feel the cool summer breeze,
To be engulfed in a sea of grass,
To play in a pool as clear as glass,
To hear the wind chimes,
To not worry about the time,
To watch the clouds go by,
To see the colors of the sky,
To listen to the song of the birds,
To have my anxieties cured,
To hear the thunder roar,
To need all this and more,
To feel the rain on my skin,
To hear the leaves in the wind,
To feel the sun's warm embrace,
To have the moon shine on my face,
To see the sunset's last gleam,
To be underneath the stars and dream,
To absorb the tranquility,
To have this one ability,
To sleep on the hill,
To doze, to drift will be my fill.

This will make me happy.
To only lie under a tree..

It is futile to cling to something so fictitious.
The world fades away.
White.
Bleeds so easily.
Red.
The void set free
As vast as the sky.
Black.
In the agony,
The loneliness,
The hopelessness,
I diminish until I become lost
Even unto all memory
And I wander into oblivion.
Forever I remain in solitude.
The yearning to sleep,
Insomnia clutches me.
Yet
I can only blame myself.
Your ignorance is my bliss.
Even if you are unaware,
I still give you the power, the key that imprisons me.
This ability is captivating.
So return my freedom!
But you have no control.
In reality, neither do I.
You will gradually forget,
But I can never shut you out.
I am locked away in this cage I have crafted for myself.
I chose to stay
So you may remain free,
Unburdened by me.
My conviction is great.
I am so trapped that
Not even my imagination can give me liberty.
In fact the deeper I delve,
The more I sink.
Fragile molten crystals
Flood me like a bursting dam
They bear everything I dare not place on you.
I will suffer this internal hell
And maybe I can be happy to some degree
Even for just a little while…
Instead of not at all.

Let me OD on the ecstacy you give me

We haven’t spoken in a while,
But I think about you all the time.
I continue to see you in my dreams.
And for once they’re sweet.
That only happens when you’re in them.
We talk all the time there,
And I continue to see your bright eyes,
And the most beautiful smile in the world.
You stood a ways behind me in the hall
And sent me the text,
“I love you.”
I smiled like an idiot.
With shaking hands and teary eyes,
I saw another message:
“Turn around.”
I ran over to you and leapt in your arms.
I hugged you as tight as I possibly could
In fear of ever losing you again.
With your nose and mouth pressed on my head,
I choked out,
“I love you too.”
He already knew.

For a heart of stone cannot bleed.
My wrath will go without heed.
And it needs to feed.
It will devour me.

I am tired of dragging the weight of the past with me
As if these memories were shackled to my feet.
I’m a prisoner in my mind.
I have a life sentence- there to suffer until the end of time.
You are the warden, refusing to let me escape.
I keep making the same mistake,
I must be insane.
In solitary confinement I stay,
My execution I await.

I saw you in my dream the other night.
I haven't seen you for a while..
I was wondering where you've gone.
I've missed you...
I cherished every moment that I got to see you again,
Even if it wasn't real.
You were there for me even if it started as a nightmare,
And you said, "Everything will be alright."
I couldn't help but smile
With a tear in my eye
As you held me close
And placed a tender kiss upon my brow.

I’ve noticed how much you’re struggling
Trying to be strong
With the weight of the world on your shoulders
As if you were Atlas himself.
But I will be your Atlas
And become a foundation for you.
I will lift you up
Because you are my world.

This the object most fragile,
And most adhering.
Knows no wisdom.
The effort to be invisible,
Yet even the blind can see.
Ensnares the owner in agony.
One word,
One glance,
One touch,
One breath,
One second to make it bleed,
To make it shatter.
Sanity and all rationality dissipate.
Trust it never.
Betrayal.
Impulsive.
Self-destructive.
Although strength may grow,
It is stifled by weakness and shadow.
Doubt ever deepens,
Hope ever fades.
Passion so intense,
Extinguish this desire.
The sharp and searing pain,
Still feels so… dull.
Silence so loud,
Gives rise to insanity.
Too arrogant and self-righteous
To ever learn from past mistakes
And confines destiny.
A fog envelops the mind
Lost in a shroud,
No map, no memory.
Faded by time,
Devoid of all beauty.
The greatest joy unreachable.
Fate has written that it will never be.
It is impossible, a tragedy really.

I saw you the other night
Your eyes and smile shining bright
Only when you’re in my dreams
Do I see a theme
Of pure bliss
It’s you that I’ve missed
What started as a nightmare
One I could hardly bear,
Ended on the sweetest note,
One of hope,
When you told me
“Everything will be alright.”
Kissed my brow and held me tight.

Again I saw you,
Out of the blue,
A message on my phone.
And you wrote
“I love you.”
With tears streaming down my face
And a clumsy grace,
I leapt into your arms
Where I will endure no more harm.
I choked out “I love you too”
Even though you already knew.
Every moment I cherished
In my waking hours I perish,
Knowing it will never be
It was only a dream...

Your true love is someone who you won't be able to live without.

Well ever since you've been gone, I can't really say that I've been living.

In my eyes
Is the intensity of a thousand suns,
That burns with an undying passion.
They give me away;
Brutally honest traitors.
They cannot hide the brokenness in me.
But only through these windows can true happiness shine through.
They can be as hard as steel and as cold as ice,
Or a pastel sunset soft and bright.
They can be clear and vitalizing one moment,
And the next glassy and seemingly lifeless.

Do you see the intensity burning in my eyes?
Can you see my snow white knuckles?
Can you feel the fire resonating in my heart?
The foundations of my world shake.
Are you afraid of the beast locked deep within?
Trying its damnedest to escape?
I am just a small girl,
So it really isn't all that scary.
If only I could just set it free,
It would alarm you to put it kindly.
But the only way it can,
Is through fiery tears falling down my reddened cheeks.

I am engulfed in an ocean.
Rocking in my watery cradle,
I drift in and out,
Watching the black speckled sky,
Floating in the night.
I want to reach out,
But I hesitate and decide not to.
Am I scared of the light?
I close my eyes.
I have a weird craving to sink,
To just be suspended with a certain comforting pressure holding me together.
Alone in my ocean there is peace.

Don't stand fast in fear of being moved by passion.
Be carried away in its waves




There is the passion that burns like a flame,
But beware of the passion so intense
you end up enveloped
where you burn or drown.

Poetry is only the lament
of a lover's soul.

Isn't it ironic
How one could have the passion of a poet,
Yet feel so dead?

You are the sweetest poison.
The more I drank, the more I wanted.
The more I got, the more I died.
And then when I was finally denied,
I met my demise.

Or rather..
Love is a poison and you're my cure. If I can't have you, then I'm just killing myself. And you're just watching me die.

You are the angel that was sent to help me vanquish my inner demons.

What good is the red string that binds us if it’s invisible?
I can see them but they get dull and old as they fade away.
I wonder if the people they are connected to still see them at all.
I can’t help but ruminate on the lingering feelings that I still have.
And when one thing leads to another,
They fill me to the point where there’s no where to go
Except out and down my cheeks.
Some strings have been severed not by me.
All I can do is look down and hold the remnants of the frayed dull edges through watery eyes.
Why is it so hard to just untie it from myself
And bury it in the cruel grey world,
Walk away and never look back?