I couldn't help myself
















She called me.

I can't remember that place
that seemed like                                                                                                    Somewhere
last night. Giving in
giving up, till nothings left                                                                                        inside.
Where do you think that girl
who used to be                                                                                                             me
went? She grew up to be a woman,
worn, tired & spent.
Do you think                                                                                                                 a
heart inhabits her rib-cage?
Can there even be a                                                                                                    little
compassion shown?
What happened to that                                                                                              girl
with a story to be told?
I wonder if she saw me now
if she'd dare to let out her                                                                                        screams.
A scream she kept in
for all these years,
crying two words:                                                                                                   Help Me.

I don't care what you think
I never have
I never fit in
anyways
the more I try the more obvious it is I don't belong.

I'm a lone wolf in my own forest and I like it that way
I like being
there for me
and not having to worry about
stupid peoples insecurities
I like having
those 6 degrees
of separation between you and me.

I envy those who crave touch,
for I know not until I am

I envy those who can spread their wings
and become the social butterfly in the room

that's not me

because,
not trying to keep up with these sheep

I'd rather starve in my abandoned forest
than dress in their stupid fleece

I'm his *******,
                              
                                       he's my ******

we'll use each other
                                              
                                                all night long

so we'll never
                                              
                                              "not

                                                      feel

                                              high"

                                                                           again.

even with oceans between us,

       I’ll swim against the tide
            to lie
               against
                 your heartbeat

once again.

history repeats itself, my friend,
a lesson I've learned time and time again
that mistakes we make will always come back to haunt us

and things we've left unsaid will always scream out
to taunt us.

by and by the wind she tries to sway my fragile
addled mind. and the trees will follow suit for she
(the wind) is one to be reckoned with.

seasons may change,
winter to spring
as the snow melts, 'twill prompt the birds to sing.

and right on time, the warm southern breeze,
carrying a scent of chamomile and

petrichor through the city
so serene.

and how things have changed,
how different
this next year will be.

I'll run through the forest through fields and sunshine
to the lake so cold, and rush in
to escape time.

the inevitable following, silent ghost
the one true thing that scares me the most

is that this is all in the past,
all a dream
all memories
just waiting to be made.

*history repeats itself,
if not now
one day.

Now, I don't know if I can say this fast enough cause this boiling hot anger is what makes it tough. Cause you know I hate your ******* guts and you shouldnt be surprised that if you ever crossed my mind again all I'd be wishin' is that you'd die.
Ya just a no good *******, cause I was still givin' you head while I was gettin' hit. I shoulda pulled a blade while you were gettin' it, shoulda been like fffft and cut off that little *****. Now I'm not sayin' you've got a tiny ****, ya just like ya mama A PSYCHOTIC LITTLE *****. I know I'm ******* right, y'all are the same ******* height and I ain't stayin' with someone whose 5'4 for life.
Somethin' that makes me real sick is the fact that I fed your *** while I put gas in that ****** civic. If I'da saved that cash I'd be ballin' & lit.
If's, And's & But's -I don't **** with that ****.
I can't believe I kissed lips that only had
purpose to spit. Cause all I heard outta them was "Oh, Baby!" & BitchBitchBitch.
So lemme cut to the chase- I think you mighta liked it when she spat your own *** in your face.
Now no ones gonna hate,
but I gotta give a *** props
That was a 10 pt head shot!

So listen once, listen now
I'm not bout what you about
Baby you never shoulda had a doubt
Or should I say little *****?
**** it,
I'm out.

These little broken wings, petals almost- reside in the pit of my stomach. Dead perhaps- and with that my heart plumets.
Feather soft, tiny sighs
Dormant little butterflies
But,
When he kissed me
I felt that static surge of electricity,
how could this come to be?
That now everything
Is alive
Inside of me.

It's funny to think
That despite how I feel
I hold my heart to a wall
And give you hostility

It's funny to think
That despite how I feel
I hold my heart to a wall
And give you hostility

It's funny to think
That despite how I feel
I hold my heart to a wall
And give you hostility

It's funny to think
That despite how I feel
I hold my heart to a wall
And give you hostility

No one loves me
I'm not worth a single drop of blood

It would be wasted
If you spilt it for me

And dry your tears
For I'm the only one that has to cry

This time,
So there's no use shedding them for me

Sometimes, I wish I knew
How to disappear completely

So no one would remember my voice
Have no memories with me

I feel like life
Would merrily move along

If I were just simply
Gone
                     Gone

    Gone.

All the words you say to me
honey you must surely realize
I take every word to my fractioned heart
I can't help but internalize
I've told you, darling
I'm in love with the simple literature
Your beautiful, soul-filled voice has painted me
So many lovely, mental pictures
With such power over me,
You're the only one I listen to
That makes me truly believe
This dynamic is laced with its downfalls aswell
For no heaven has ever presented itself
Without it's inevitable hell.
Everyone in this world could be
Throwing stones at my name, they only bruise
Even words that leave mental burns,
Or as far as verbal abuse
And baby I wouldnt care as long as you still thought I was beautiful

So, say everything exactly
how you mean it if you please
Actions speak louder than words
But with the power of love
You absolutely captivate me
Your sentences can break
this writers heart with ease.

Three can keep a secret
                                                                                         if two of them are dead

I'll bury all the bodies
                                                                                    to keep these words unsaid

Life changes so very fast
The future- time to make-up for the past

But what do I want anymore?
I see no light at the end of the tunnel
or various open doors

Instead, I witness
The most magnificent periwinkle-blue sky
in front of me.

A breeze caressing my bare legs, a gift from the soft blue sky
it feels good to be full again, with a slight scent of red wine.
The gentle waves kiss the rocky shore, with the white foam rimmed water
they carry an essence of a long lost home, memories with grandfather.
And the sister I lost not so long ago, leaves her paw prints in the sand
because I know, no matter where I go, at my side she'll stand.
The only thing my heart seems to long for, a new kind of high
a buzz brought to me, by simply one thing
that look in his beautiful brown eyes.

You are the sand that I hold
        
              for mere seconds before it
                   
                               slowly spills through
                                     
                                                 the cracks between
                                                        
                                                                    my fingers.
                                                        ­                             
                                   ­                                                                 ­    Leaving me with but microscopic granules,

insignificant nothings.

                                                               ­                  You are the white crested waves crashing upon the shore

warming my toes for only seconds in the

                                                                ­                                                                 ­                            damp sand.

You recede, to the deeper blue, leaving my toes too chilled to move.


                                                         ­                                            I can be your sunset, if you be my silhouette

imitate my morning light within the sky

                                                            ­               in your brilliant mind remind yourself, the sun is also a star.

I feel with each passing day, my flame slowly dies.

But why

Does my body even allow

A glimmer of hope

For something I know

Proven by doctors and science

To be

Impossible.

The only thing that makes it easier right now is that I am in love.

By the time I was 15 I had already been tossed aside onto a path that has led me through unfathomably amazing and terrible moments that have scarred and forever changed me as a person. And I'm still alive, living- still experiencing traumatic losses, broken dreams and the growing pains of being an almost 18 year old girl with a little attitude. I was always destined to be unconventional, as a child I couldn't imagine my perfect american dream house, or what I was going to aspire to as I grew older. I felt joy in simple things, such as nature, tea after a long day, a smile, his eyes and painting. I never felt I had any remarkable, or valuable skills, until you showed me. You made me realize that even if you've lost, you're broken and every day your body and brain ache from the pains of growing almost 18, you'll survive another day. That things like trees, tea and art- are sometimes all you need. That I will go far, I'll make it somehow and I will succeed.

Finally, after all these years I can clearly see- my perfect american dream house, just you & me.

if you love a bird, set it free
for birds were made to fly.
if it loves you as well,
it will come back
for birds need a nest to return to.

but if it doesn't,
and it flies away
into the blue, open sky
then it was never yours, to begin with
so kiss that birdie goodbye.

I lay my head down to rest
In hopes that one day
I will see  peace

I lay my head down to rest
And pray that one day
I will see joy

I lay my head down to rest
And think that one day
Perhaps I will see unity

I lay my head down to rest
And ponder that maybe
One day I will see *what you see

I'm old enough to bleed,


                   I'm old enough to breed


       I'm old enough to crack a brick



                 In your teeth while you sleep


Tella me lovely how could I be so lucky
To meet a man like you to love me
I'm your baby
Your crazy lil' girl
I didn't dream, I couldn't think of someone
More perfect in this entire world

No one can stop us
Cause papi we're on fire
And anyone who tries

*Aha fok julle naaiers!!!

Time for another poem hinting at ****** things?





Maybe not.

They say love is blindness
No, I don't want to see
I'll dive head first into the unbeknownst depths
The cataracts impairing me

They say love is patient
I've never been good at biding time
I am ever restless
I'd wait eons for a love of this kind

They say love last forever
It's hard to think of anything
That can somehow compare
To that treasure.

White, silver, platinum, gold
These all fade away
They get chipped, lost,
They become worn and old

I fall in love with you differently
Everyday, for the same old things
It's so much more to me you see
Than any mortal, metal ring

Still, it's nice to think...

That miracales can happen

So I can hear my angel sing

I met you in September
When the leaves were just tempted to change
I met you in September
When the earth felt like autumn in the rain
I met you in September
3 months shy of my birthday
I met you in September
apart from headache or drama
I met you in September
listening to Frank, Kendrick and Lana.

I met you in September
and so I say it clear
I only met you in September
because it's my favourite month of the year.

the able master
the stupid *******
my one and only savior
my worst, and most painful
player

This isnt a poem.. I'm just mentioning

I told myself I’d never fall in love again because it’s too **** painful
and I’m tired of explaining my soul to everyone because no one understands
and I wish to be loved
but I also wish that I were dead
and I’m sorry if this is too much to process and I’m sorry if I get caught up in all the nonesense
but unfortunately I’m human
and it’s all I can do

to survive.

I’m not enough and I’m sorry.
I’m broken and I’m sorry.
I’m sad and I’m sorry.

Maybe if I were different
maybe if I hadn’t done the drugs
maybe if I thought twice
before I first fell in love.
Maybe if she didn’t touch me
or maybe if he didn’t hurt me
then I wouldn’t be here.
But that’s not the case and I’m sorry.

I’m not enough and I’m sorry.
I’m still too much and I’m sorry.

We are but two single drops of crystal clean water in the abyss of the ocean surrounding us
How are we ever to truly see one another's true colours?
When our shine is overcast by the drops in which the light shines most beautifully through
How are we, supposed to make a dent in the ocean?
Simply said, impossible.

Breathe in reality
Exhale insanity

Notice how
Insanity
In-sanity
Comes from within

In-side we are all In-sane.

My eyes wander over
               The stubble that so ever
     Gradually
                            Shadows your face
When I know
                             You've been having a bad time

No I'm certain

                                  That you'd never really tell me
What

            Goes on in your head.


But oh!
Do
     I
       Ever
               Long

                            For
                                   Your
                                            Soul-filled

                                                               ­  Voice

To whisper my name

For your
Muscled
               Arms,
                          Tanned
                                         Torso
                                                    &
                                                         Chiselled
                                                                ­        Shoulders
To surround me in intimacy

But most of all,

                                        I
                                    Crave
                      ­                The
                                   Feeling
                                       Of
                                   Passion

                                    When
                                       We
                                   ******
                                        In
               ­                       Sync

                                    ­  And
                                       You
                                     Reveal
                                    Yourself
                   ­                      To
                                         Me
                                           .

The rain puddles in the cracked city pavement, a drowning vision of striking familiarity. Nostalgia encasing those mulling over their Earl Greys in coffee shops. A wooden stir dissipates the bubbles in the steaming liquid, contrasted by the cool droplets streaking down the ordinary windows. As breathing slows, eyes lock deep in thought upon the bustling, grey castle streets. She slows as she steps to the sidewalk, meeting a gaze before they realize. Her face like snow, her lips like two tiny rose petals just starting to push from their blossom. Her eyes as dark as they are deep, rounded and child-like. Coming to, the strangers been locked on one another for just half a second longer than deemed socially acceptable. She breaks stare, adjusts her bag; and with her hooded head to the ground, makes her way past the old coffee shop.

Sleepless, lonely nights
Full of anxiety and fear
Of nothing