Trapped in a mind no longer myself
White walls, white sheets, white eyes, white hell
My friend over there is special, only I can see him
Red stains his clothes and all of his skin
His wide eyes are black, but they were once blue
Trust me, he used to live in this room with me too
All he does is sit there not making much noise
Sometimes I'm his *****, but mostly
He's my toy.
His teeth are missing, knocked out of his face
Dragged, through the hallways and killed without a trace
Well at least to me, it seemed he was gone for good
Till white turned red wherever I stood.
A part of me screamed as another one laughed
A sharp pain in my side, and my world turned black.
My head educes snide dreams with voices drifting sideways
Voices crossing each other like overpass highways
"What have you done?!" one of them shrills
For I have sufficed my inexplicable urge to ****
Different words, different voices leave me alone and reeling
Black walls, black *****, blackened faces, black ceiling
Room with a low roof, no bed, no feeling
Just space and empty
Unfurling to consume me
Until blinding light surrounds a dark figure
Long and Lanky
An outstretched arm
With something held in its bounty
I sprint towards it
Is it too good to be true?
Until a
Gunshot
Gasp
And drip
Then my life ended with you.

by this my brain is constantly haunted
there's just too many if's, and's & but's to consider
I just feel like sometimes
I'm the only one on the line, I feel like he's standing above me holding me by the thread I hold tightly.
At any moment he could just choose to drop me
and I've always been scared of heights you see
I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe that someone
so sweet and smart and lovely
could ever truly want me
all the stupid ******* insecurities
open me up alive and spill my guts to the ground
until I am hollow and empty
heaving, gasping for air
gagging with no relief,
no ***** as physical evidence as to why
I'm still hurting underneath.
The ache in my lungs
the reason why all my joints creak.
I can't
I can't
I CAN'T
I simply cannot tell you
why my soul is so weak
I can't find enough words to explain
I can't breathe
I can't speak
I can't live like this anymore
dragging around these fears like a dead horse.
I used to ride,
jump high and stay gold
the fear of never being wanted
has made my story
boring & old.

sometimes it feels like

I have so many people around me
but I am so alone.

that I am happy and healthy,
but I feel disease creeping through my bones.

that I want to run
but my body is heavy and numb

I'm so hot
I'm too cold

I'm too young to die
but too unsure to be old

like being trapped in a bubble
panicking, wanting free

trying to ground myself
in some sort of familiarity.

lump in my throat
body twitching in bed

how can I feel too alive
yet feel
so dead.

Without any forewarning
You are leaning over top of me
I reach my face up to kiss you
Easing my legs to either side
Push your hips into mine, so that I may see
Wrap my thighs tighter, telling you I want to
How much you want it
Baby
Gasp
I tell you
Don't hesitate
Please?
Let me on it
For now; I am craving what you seek
At last
Your hand finds its way
Down below
You breathe into my neck
Finding me saturated
You start nice and slow
Your mouth continuously inspects
Mouth on my collarbone
The urgent kisses that follow
Your hand holding my face firmly away
You kiss all the way down
I feel you swallow
You look up to me with your dampened face
Hand in your hair
I tell you "baby now."
Taking my skirt and pulling it firmly down
He strips of his own pants
And eases his hips onto mine
I feel the way he desperately wants inside
I kiss him again
As my thighs give him a squeeze
But I will continue later
What can I say?
I'm a tease

come close




                                                                  lay next to me


I need to feel





                                                                     important


So, stay close






                                                                     remain next to me







                                                                                                                              I need to feel




    important.



                                                      Holding all





                                                                                                  the weight in my life



then you turn and you walk away from me

Its almost like when we first met, stumbling over                                      all the awkward in between
feelings, anxious-nervous,
       snipping my heart
                                           seam
                                        by
                                                    seam.



                       It feels like we're strangers,
baby why do I get so scared?
when I'm tired and stressed and undone
        it feels that my heart is the one thing
                                              I can't seem to bear.



Numbness creeps in like morphine
                                        through my veins
                      defensive and upset
I only have myself to blame.



            I want to feel, I want to express myself
                                 like I am now
                    but in moments of emotion
        I can't seem to find the right words to say


                      what I can rhyme



                 I have a million and one things racing
      through my mind
                     I've tried shine as bright as you

        but I simply burn out over time



I'm trying my best, to be my best for you
   it just never feels enough
         you're a eight cylinder lamborgini
             and I'm drawing smiley faces in the dust.


I can't deal with,

                 the fact that you are so much more

      
      than I could ever hope to be.



                                                  It's scary,


    there are 6.9 billion other people out there


who shine so much brighter

                                                      t­han me.

soft-serve and sunscreen, sandcastles
old movies
played on reruns via VCR

top down, open highway
lined with trees
and sunshine

how did these days
pass me by
so quick?

I long to run with the wolves,
feel the cool earth beneath my paws,
hunt a seemingly innocent doe
and shred her throat with teeth & claws.

I long to travel the mountainside,
the dense forests in which the pack hides.
And when I reach the top, I'll breathe sharp & realize
I've never been this high.

I long to nestle close
with those dear & whom I treasure most.
In a sea cave, lined with sand
just off the Pacific coast.

I long that when I'm old & frail
in a bed of leaves, I'll lie curled nose to tail.
I'll simply close my eyes, let the breeze sway
for this game was worth the life we played.

Blackest midnight dominates before the dawn
Violet clouds dance before the storm
Indigo threatens with denser coverage
Royal Blue assures everything is fine, for now
Turquoise entices all to come out & play
Whereas the whitest blue whispers it is just awake
The blazing coral dances with passion and arousal
The magenta swirled with baby fine rose hairs reminds us that something so beautiful
                             Is
                                  Not
                        ­                   So
                                                  Simply
     ­                                                          Touched

Your




                                                                                                             broken





                                                           ­                      bindings




                   have




  ­                                                                                                                 torn




                                             my




              pages.

Time



               Is



                          But

A


                                                                 Number


A slight movement of the earth around the sun



Such




                           A


       Waste



Of a life.









                 Better spent living,


      


                                                          Then to keep




           Track




    


                               Of something




            As



                                     Pointless



                      As time


                                                            Don't you think?

"We're gonna go through some **** eh? Tough ****, if you stick with me.."


                                                         ­          Baby, I promise. I'm not all that easy.

"Marry me"

                                                            ­                               What? Are you crazy?

your lips turn
in loving lines
on your face


"Well baby, I'm crazy bout you but that's not what I'm saying.
Listen, look at me.
I know life's a ***** right now and you're not even 18, but I can tell you in all the deepest sincerity that you're the girl for me.
One day, in a different place
A better time, our own space
We'll live a simple, joyous life
and start a small family.
I love you so much.
Just please don't leave me."*

And for once
in my entire
life,
I've fallen head over heels
& believed.

string unwinding from a spindle,
my throat it swells,
my words- they hinder

the strumming on
my heartstrings soothe,
yet, an unfamiliar tune

I spend my days just dreaming,
all my nights awake

I can't help but drift
fall unbeknownst-
unto my fairy tale state.

where doth my mind go;
why must I fade
to and fro?

my life a blur,
bright lights stream
against a storm soaked street

covering the
fading lines
of my dreams and reality

Wondrous, beautiful, shining white lights
Speckled numerously before my balcony
I close my eyes and breathe in the saccharine air
Oh, I revel in thy beauty

The city so sleek
So embodied with life and love
My home, my divine metropolis
Reflected, with dotted light, most evenly in the sky above

I could never imagine somewhere as precious as her
With so many things, I have and yet to see
I open my eyes, letting the sapphire sky
Bathe me in serenity

Baby maybe if your lucky
I'll let you **** me

Buy me a few drinks too?
Maybe I'll blow you

Pull a bill out of your pants
Baby I'll give you a dance

                    *
Baby maybe if your lucky
I'll do what I can because I'm hungry

Buy me a few drinks too?
It'll help me forget what I did with you

Pull a bill out of your pants
And maybe in this life I'll have a chance

too much

           too soon.

  



        She burnt the trees-
and spent the moon


                        now her little
                    life is full of gloom



    too much,

too soon.

i.
Lust for him
Envy for her
Shame for myself

           ii.
Longing for him (in another life I tell myself)
Nothing for her
Anger for myself

        iii.
Indifference for him
Is there a her?
Curiousity about myself (I wonder if he was here, what could he make my body do)

Sleepless, lonely nights
Full of anxiety and fear
Of nothing

just say it,
you don't want me like I want you
you slip between my fingers
like sand,
I start to grip
and you slip right though
until all I'm left with
is little grains of you.

you'd walk away,
and never turn back
you'd forget about me almost instantly
cut me off, delete me from your life

in fact,

I wouldn't be surprised if you've already started
had your fun before you departed
and now, like weaning an infant off
a mothers breast
slowly and surely,
you'll put this to rest.

you say you love a writer but
these words could never be true
for you don't want me,
like I want you.

You know how much I love it when you talk to me
Do you think you could give me some inspiration when you know
I'm all alone..
And it's just me?

Tell me what you do that makes your lady
Feel like a *****
In the best way, I promise
She's always wanting more

Let me try
And recreate
What you always seem to do to me
Talent can be built with enough practice

But first I'll watch your lead

you sang a song


              of love & life


       but I could hear


                         the hate & pain



    in your soulful voice.

I
                                                               ­                                                               lo­ve
                                                                ­                                                                 ­               you
              
                               ­                                                                 ­       to
                                                              ­          the
                                                                ­                         horizon


                             where
                                                           the
         sun
                                               kisses
                    the
                                  ­                           sea,


                                                          ­                                               and
                                                                ­                           the
                                                             ­                                                 sky


          ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­           fills
                                                           ­                                                                 ­           the
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                               creases

                                         ­                                                                 ­    where
                                                       ­                                  I
                                                               ­                                         fail
                   ­                                                              to
                                                              ­                                             fit
                                                             ­                           with  
                               ­                                  your
                                                                ­                     consistencies.

You are the sand that I hold
        
              for mere seconds before it
                   
                               slowly spills through
                                     
                                                 the cracks between
                                                        
                                                                    my fingers.
                                                        ­                             
                                   ­                                                                 ­    Leaving me with but microscopic granules,

insignificant nothings.

                                                               ­                  You are the white crested waves crashing upon the shore

warming my toes for only seconds in the

                                                                ­                                                                 ­                            damp sand.

You recede, to the deeper blue, leaving my toes too chilled to move.


                                                         ­                                            I can be your sunset, if you be my silhouette

imitate my morning light within the sky

                                                            ­               in your brilliant mind remind yourself, the sun is also a star.

I feel with each passing day, my flame slowly dies.

I wake up

to the iridescent cascade of pale light
Through the

                                                               ­                 mahogany and tangerine stained leaves
A meridian oasis,



               dolloped with white
non-senses

                                        I roll wearily and sore


towards the warmth of your bare chest

In hopes,
                            That I will find

Solace

All the words you say to me
honey you must surely realize
I take every word to my fractioned heart
I can't help but internalize
I've told you, darling
I'm in love with the simple literature
Your beautiful, soul-filled voice has painted me
So many lovely, mental pictures
With such power over me,
You're the only one I listen to
That makes me truly believe
This dynamic is laced with its downfalls aswell
For no heaven has ever presented itself
Without it's inevitable hell.
Everyone in this world could be
Throwing stones at my name, they only bruise
Even words that leave mental burns,
Or as far as verbal abuse
And baby I wouldnt care as long as you still thought I was beautiful

So, say everything exactly
how you mean it if you please
Actions speak louder than words
But with the power of love
You absolutely captivate me
Your sentences can break
this writers heart with ease.

I never thought I'd seriously consider
ever truly settling down
with anyone
But, now my whole
world has been tossed
into a 180 turn around
wow,
I'm so young
in my ears, my heart rapidly pounds
it's you- the missing piece,
I can't believe I've found
breathless, I don't even mind if I drown
in the coffee filled irises
parting my lips
safe and sound

silence, compensation for the screaming reality of what lies behind flesh & bones.
rip me open and expose the flowers growing between my ribs, their roots winding through arteries, to the pits of my half empty chest cavities. and thorns spike, strike deep between membrane and tissue.
tear me apart and watch me bloom.

Oh baby,
How your
Tongue
Lips
Whisper
Kiss
Light me on fire

I'm so sorry
For causing you the worry and pain
I love you
I'm really trying
I was so good
I will be again
You will not have to bury your child daddy

Day without substance
What am I to do with myself

I


                Want you for my own is that too much to ask?

Question          If we were to see one
                           another would    
Everything              Be the same ?
Especially                   for those who

                           Much need the comfort;
                               Just                   Like
You,


                        In need of love
And

                        Compassion

                                   From someone like
Me