Every time your eyes lock mine
Those three words float to the edge of my mouth
and dance along to tip of my tongue as they gently brush your lips
I’ve said it to you a hundred times as you slept in my arms
Ive whispered it behind you as you walked on ahead
You said you would be in trouble if you could read minds
Please don’t read mine
Just three words
That I can’t say to your face
That I tell you in little ways everyday
I lose myself In the way you look at me
Nobody’s ever looked at me like that
Truthfully I’ve lost myself in you completely
and I don’t want to be found
When did you do this to me?
I feel like I’m going to throw up
Maybe these are what they call butterflies
Why can’t I say it
First you took my eyes
And with it you stole my heart
It’s silent
Should I say it?
Hold it back
Then you stole my mouth, and my words were yours
What are you thinking about?
I said it
Silence
my chest is sinking and I’m drowning along side it
Can you feel my pain through my eyes?
The eyes you stole
My words are lacking now
My mouth is yours remember
I have nothing right to say
My heart it’s bleeding in your hands
Do you want it?

Love is a weakness,
or so they say.
Is our love my strength?
because I often feel you never meet me halfway.
Why is it always the same person
who makes me feel the most loved, is the
one who has the power to rip my happiness away with a single look?
The one that holds me when I'm in shambles
and wipes away my tears
is the same person who caused them here.
I've always dreamed of a fairy tale romance,
and with you, I have wanted that for so long.
but given the circumstance,
soon I'll be gone.

I don't know where I'm going wrong.
I do things that make me happy.
I surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself.
But, I don't feel good about myself.
I do my best to treat myself with kindness but the bad thoughts won't go away.
I have the deepest conversations with myself yet I can't even begin to express to another person exactly how I feel.
Do I feel too much?
To deeply?
Too carelessly?
I can talk about the things I've experienced but I can not communicate what it did to me.
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong,
when I'm trying everything in my capability to do right.
I don't know what to do,
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm hurting far beyond what I let people see,
I don't know where I learned that,
but I really wish I wasn't like that.
To feel everything, but absolutely nothing at all is a ******* curse.

I'm Aurianna.
I'm so many things actually, it all depends on who you ask.
To myself... at times I am destruction.
My emotions destroy.
I am hurt.
I am only 18, who did you want me to be?
You abused me.
You destroyed me for a time, and yet still all the time.
I want to be free.
Did I build these chains link by link or did you help me?
You beat me physically while she beat me mentally.
The perfect destructive team you two made.
All without realizing.
All without each other.
Yet at times I am strong, I stand tall to protect others.
Although a single person can raise their voice to me and I shatter into a million little pieces.
I never amount to other peoples expectations of me, so in return, I am looked down upon.
My whole life really.
The secret abuse that led to many failures.
I have so many problems that I cannot fathom enough to put into words.
I fail at expressing how I feel because I don't know how.
You never taught me how.
They ask me whose fault it is that I am like this.
I say it's mine.
Why?
Because I'm eighteen.
In the eyes of the law, I am officially an adult.
Responsible for only myself.
Am I falling apart yet again?
Or have I never actually been quite pieced together?
Do I accept your screaming, dehumanizing comments and threats for the hope that someday, just someday I will be granted parental affection?
Or do I not deserve that either?
Do I deserve better?
Because I really don't know.
You're sorry... that I know.
You have said it many times before.
Only to turn around and do the same things you've already apologized for.
Feeling is what makes me human, but too much of anything is cancer to the heart.
Your words hurt me.
They always have.
Worse than any beating I have and will endure.
Your words are my cancer.
I am fighting for my freedom.
With or without you.
For I have always been alone.
I have found my strength in that.
Because I am me.

If my hands were numb to your touch,
and my eyes were blind to your affection,
I would still compose love letters for you with my lips.
For I could never piece together,
the perfect words that express truly how much
I care for you.
So instead I speak in tongue.
Breathlessly sliding my mouth in and out of yours,
like the pause in between a sentence.
You're a book I don't want to put down.

I am suffocating.
I can't get you out of my head,
please go away.
So I can go back to my simple life,
the one without your smile,
without your brilliant blue eyes,
without your voice.
Why would God put you in my life...
if it wasn't meant to work between us?
The thought of your shiny blonde hair,
your mouth sliding in and out of mine.
I can't breathe.
I stay high,
so I don't have to feel you right.
I'd have to say I'm addicted,
I should stay away.
But these urges I can't fight.
I can't breathe

I am suffocating

mind that,
its okay
to be scared
to be better
smile
even when
you're crying
stop running
from the storm
just embrace it
feel everything
fight all you
want, and then
face it
believe in you
trust yourself
free because
you need not know
where you're going
but because
you don't
need to know
let go

There are
things I
have suffered
through
that
will never
be a story
from my lips,
nor will
ever be
words to a paper.

I no longer care
If what's best for me
Isnt whats best for you
You are toxic
and I need to be loved

When I am by myself
I just sit there
My eyes unfocused
Completely trapped in my mind
As I feel my chest sink
And my heart breaking
I realize

I am alone
The three words echo
Louder in my head
Than a broken glass
In an empty auditorium
I have waited
For calls that never came
Love,
That was never given back

I believed
I could love other people
So much that I could one day
Eventually
Love me too
But when everyone you love leaves
Apart of you, leaves you
too

Even if they come back
I continue to greet them
with open arms
But never forgetting
And Always reminded, Every time
No matter how hard I love
How much I give
That I am easy to let go

People see me whole
But every time
I look in the mirror
All I see, is everything that’s missing
I fill my holes with lies
And short term happiness

It’s easy to not notice
What’s missing beneath the surface
If all I choose to show
Is my smile
But not the pain behind it
The twinkle in my eye often
Confused for happiness

I avoid superficial conversation
But lack the words
To say what I feel deep inside
I am mute to expressing my pain
Sober,
I drown myself in people
To silence my own mind

Until once again
I find myself alone
Unable to hold back the tears
Of how much
I cannot stand
To be left by myself
With my own thoughts

I don’t have trust issues
I have abandonment issues
For I consistently convince myself
That everyone I love will leave me
Like they have
So many times before

And honestly I understand
To look at myself
From someone else’s shoes
With an insiders perspective
And given the choice
To leave me...
I probably would too

I love it when he's loud, and
I love it when he's bold.
I love it when he’s calm, and
I love it when he folds.
I love him for his words, and
I love him for his songs.
I love him for his rights, and
I love him for his wrongs.
I love it when he's passionate, and
I love it when he’s gray.
I love it when he’s all for me, and
I love it when he strays.
I love him for his warmth, and
I love him for his stare.
I love him for his depths, and
I love him for his care.

headlights in my window
raindrop melancholy
tv static reflections
heavy breathing                                    
sunken eyes
frozen toes
stuffy nose
all a
       l
        o
         n
           e
             .
               .
                 .

Empty Stare and a full mind