A soft breeze whispers in the moonlight,
Gliding over the pond, causing endless ripples in the water.
Sounds of the crickets echo through the trees,
hushing the quiet chatter on the dock.
Scarlet fish swim in circles below,
following the dark seaweed path.
Lull acoustic guitar roars under the clouds.
Ever so slightly a hiss travels past the ear.
Unknown from sight,
But present by sound.
Ruby crystals spotted in the distance,
hidden no more.

One more
to let my mind go.
The waves flow between my ears,
I distract myself.
I am Great.
I start thinking,
I slip.
I am Okay.
I try to drown it out,
It doesn't work.
I am *******.
I shake, I quiver,
Nothing escapes the endless whisper.
I am panicking.
I run, I can't hide.
I fall, I can't get up.
I am done.

In all those moments I thought it was over,
I felt happy,
like the family was finally whole again.

I now realize,
it wasn't over at those times.
It was just hidden from me.

It has escalated to the point,
that they are willing for me to hear.
I just sit there confused.

In the thoughest of times,
They will always be there for me,
but not for eachother.

For at once I thought my family was whole,
Though I have come to realize,
There is a hugh hole...

*...and that's not what I wanted.

Stop telling me the lies I know you spill,
Stop telling me the lies I once believed as truth.
Tell me what you mean, what you're objective is
because I don't understand.
What is the point in arguing a matter that won't change?
What is the point of constantly yelling about things that won't be fixed?
I'm not stopping what I do,
I'm not stopping my beliefs.
I am me, I can be me
meaning I have the power and capability to shut. you. down.
I don't because thats petty,
because thats not who I am.
I'm fun loving and free spirited [-to most]
Now I know, the statements above seem a bit contradicting
but maybe that's the point.
Like I said, I'm doing what I want and keeping what is okay for me to have.
Because in the end, *we'll see who's by my side

Decisions.
Deciding who you are,
what you're life will be.

Experimenting.
Something you are allowed to do,
to figure out who you are,

but don't drag anyone else into it.
*I am not here to be experimented with.

If you actually knew your facts,
you would've kept your mouth shut.
You don't understand the situation.

I may, mistakenly, be changing up the facts.
Maybe you do know of the entire left side, and I am wrong
Yet I know-I know for a fact, that you sure as hell haven't heard the right.

So step back, seriously.
you don't know the power you've created.
I would say I warned you,
but it's too late for that.

Good Luck-You'll need it.

525,600 minutes.
Minutes in a year.

How many of those minutes, will you be happy
How many of those minutes, will you feel on top of the world
How many of those minutes, will you want to relive?

Think.
Really Think.
How can you make your minutes happy?
How can you make the best out of your 525,600 minutes?

It can simply just be, to find happiness in the smallest things
therefore no matter where you are,
no matter what happens
There is always ONE thing, that you can turn to
That you can feel happy for-
Whether a person, place or thing.
pet, note, or song.
Doesn't matter.
As long as you know:
You have the ability to be Happy <3

Now go make those 525,600 minutes,
the happiest you've ever had.

The flower droops,
showing its true colors.
Leaves fall to the floor,
all shriveled and brown.
The little old vase was all that was left,
It's steardy glass held in the water
to keep the flower alive.
Around the rim, cracks began to form.
Nothing was done to fix them,
they were little, they didn't matter.
But today, they grew large.
The vase broke, water spilled everywhere
and the flower was left,
laying on the floor,
*helpless

Oh, it's so easy.
Just spread your wings, and fly!
I can't. You don't know how long I've tried.

Little Angel, don't be afraid.
It will all be okay in the end
I can't. I've given all I can lend.

Escape from your fears.
Face them like the big girl you are!*
I can't. I've gone near and far,

trying to be brave.
trying to escape.

I live in a world under the stars,
never knowing the message written in them.
Only seeing what I want to believe,
with all my hopes and dreams.

I can't help, but think of you
In the times of distress,
and the times of darkness.
In the times of happiness,
and the times of hope.

I am my own person,
and I will always be-
but the thought of you holding me,
protecting me, loving me...
I like that.
I want that.
But the issue is, I can't find that.

I like being independent
but I like being connected.
Fully intertwined-never wanting to let go.

Keeping each other warm,
with hugs and kisses,
With the love-that was worth the wait.

But now I ask,
Where are you?
Who are you?
I've been looking for you, for a long time now.
I hope I find you soon,
So not another day goes by without you in my arms.

Someone who loves me for me,
who wants me,
who loves me entirely.

Someone who stays with me,
keeps me in their arms,
and never lets go.

That was my wish, what was yours?

I'm done pretending to care.
I'm done being toyed with.
I was just a piece,
in the game of life.
one that was moved around,
Never realizing that I actually never mattered.
Things were decided for me,
I was twisted and turned to be someone,
someone that I didn't recognize.
Someone who was hopeless, who was afraid.
But now,
Things are going to change,
because I'm changing them.
I was moved before,
Now it's time for me to pick up my own piece,
and move on.  
*I'm done

I have never felt this much before.
I am enclosed in a blackened bubble,
unable to see the outside world.

I am secluded away in the darkness,
not exactly knowing where to go.
I'm just rolling, hoping I'll end somewhere good.

I must continue to repeat to myself,
do not engage... do not engage
It is much harder than expected.

To engage is to put myself back,
back to who I always believed myself to be,
back to when I changed myself to be someone I wasn't.

To ask, to tell, to hold.
I bite my lip to stop myself,
I must not say anything.

I listen, I observe, I wait.
I engaged,
there is no return.

*I am a failure

Everybody has an intention, whether it turns good or bad

Intention.
Something we want to happen,
Something that is desired.

Reality.
What actually happens,
that we have no control over...

or so you think.

All the decisions made,
All the actions performed,
Make us in the position we are in now.

Reality.
Something we have unknown control over,
but happens due to the intentions we've created.

My intentions may turn your desired reality.
My intentions are not bad.

What shall reality bring?

Music sings as a soft river flows
fingers gliding over the white keys
Through the chapel, elegant movements
echo the enchanting melodies

Light trickles through walls of rainbow
dazzling specs on the tile
They dance to the song of wonder and awe
not having to resist a smile

Imagination runs wild through the eyes of one
Picturing a beautiful sight
for the song and the colors reminded her
of the one whom she held so tight

Dreaming to dance to this graceful piece
Gliding across those aesthetic floors
She whispered to herself, finally believing
*That she never wanted nothing more

Already knowing what someone is going to say,
is worse than hearing it for the first time.

I face dissatisfaction,
I face disappointment,
I face shame.

My intentions are contrary to what some may predict.

I am strong,
I am able,
I am independent.

To be given trust is all I ask,
and I shall never ask anything in return.

To be omniscient,
all knowing.
Wished for over a long period of time,
desiring the unspeakable knowledge.
Clawing the insides, tearing up the mind,
due to the simple desire for truth.
Possibilities rounding the corner of every thought,
to be settled into a straight line of clarity.

To be innocent,
unknowing.
Wishing to go back,
desiring the knowledge be erased.
Cutting the outside, shattering the mind,
due to the impossible desire to reverse.
Possibilities never ending continuing around,
spiraling as if forced into clarity too soon.

Now* whispers the serpent, do you feel my pain?

What pain? I ask, fearing it's response.

Oh child, dear, you are still blinded

Blinded? But my tears were as red as the embers of burning coal! I felt them burn as they slid down my guilt ridden face. These tears, you said, would let me see.

Ah. Only you can cure yourself, I have not that power.

Yet you have the power of temptation, to show me my flaws, my insecurities. To point out every little thing I've done wrong. Saying the thing I should've said, in the stories you repeat over and over! I scream.

I am a figment of your imagination. You tempt yourself my darling.
You have the power

I have no such power, you underestimate my abilities. If I could stop it I would!!

No you wouldn't Deep fiery glow radiates from the sly serpent's eyes.
*You like it too much

Beauty glistens in the fire agate,
Light reflects off the surrounding white snow.
Happiness glitters softly in the allure.
Deep, mysterious, and inviting.
Daunting in every which way.

Tested am I.
The things said, are easy to brush,
unless a name you know is included.

Nice to know,
the things valued.
Nice to know,
the truth.

I know the full truth is not seen by either.
The only full truth comes from the mind of the beholder.

I've dared one,
I can dare another.

Be careful missy,
*I have contacts.

If I was good with words, where would I be?
Would I be in the position I am currently in?
Would I be better off?
Questions I've always had,
Answers never recieved.
Seriously though,
If I was good with words,
None of my messages would be interpreted wrong
None of my confrontations would end with the wrong impression
None of my presentations in class would consist of me babbling nonsense
And I would always know 100% that everything I said made sense,
because I'd be good with words.
Now, I know, People still may interpret things differently.
Someone might take my, "good worded phrase" and assume something else
I cannot change that, I know
But wouldn't that be cool if we could?
It would save hurt, and miscommunications
It would allow people to understand and move forward
It would bring about more happiness in the world, and that is something I truly care about
If I was good with words
I'd give someone the gift of happiness

look out your window
the stars twinkle in the darkness, shining over the quiet night
i love you more than there are stars in the sky
the grass begins to sway in the little "wooshes" of the wind
there must be at least a million little blades of grass out there
and i love you more than that
the colors of the trees begin to change, giving beautiful hues of red, gold and orange
i love you more than the amount of leaves that will fall this autumn
my everything
my world
i love you

Things near and far,
will never change,
the here and now.

Things can  last forever,
or never start,
Nobody can see in the furture.

Things will prospure,
and never lose.
the positives.

Things will end,
and never begin,
the negatives.

Things near and far,
will never change,
the hear and now

I try to hard for happiness in others, and in me.
I try to hard to rid the pain in others, and in me.

I try to hard to make others laugh at me.
I try to hard to make others look at me.

I try to hard to make others like me.
I try to hard to portray an image that's not me.

I try to hard to disconnect the me,
I became.
I try to hard to find the me,
I once was.

I try to hard for happiness in me, and in others.
I try to hard to rid the pain in me, and in others.

*I guess I'm not trying hard enough

The serpent brushes over my neck, slithering down my back.
I shiver, hearing the faint whisper in the dark night.
Crystal blue pools fill the eyes,
blue sapphire gems fall from the sight.
Blurred thoughts move the stars,
Emotion filled clouds cover the sky.
The serpent slithers back hissing in the ear,
it can't be controlled.

The weight,
The strength.

It pushes down, crushing my inside.
I struggle to breath,
every breath 100 pounds are added to my chest.

Pressure builds up,
Dizziness begins,
Anxiety sky rockets.

The room is spinning,
Why is the room spinning?

My legs are shaking, I'm destroying my lip
Why can't I sit still?

Whoa, my head feels funny.
Why did that start?

I'm uncomfortable, I'm shaking.
Does anyone notice? God, I hope not.

The pressure, more intense.
Nausea increases,
My insides twist and turn.

I clench my fists,
Am I angry?
What's going on?

I'm tired...
I feel my heavy eyelids start to pull down.
I close my eyes,

but the room,
it spins faster than before.
My thoughts, my actions, myself...

It repeats
**I am never at peace

Concentrate on the task at hand,
Don't let your mind
s l i p  a w a y .  .  .  .

take it.
go ahead, take it.
it won't harm you.
i dare you.

The evil serpet lies as it slithers down my back.
It's hiss and whispers send chills through my body.
I am stiff,
I am rigid.

I said take it.
You will achieve great happiness.
Just outstretch your arms,
and it will be yours.

Mind turns to greed,
My eyes turn red like the blood of the serpent's prey.
I open my arms, letting myself feel the power hit me,
knocking me to the ground.

See here,*
For you have taken what wasn't yours.
You have played my little game,
and for that, you shall pay.

I lay on the ground, blinking in confusion.
My eyes. They fill with water, they drain their color.
I cry red, hot, fiery tears that burn as they roll down my face.
This. This is the least pain I deserve.

So many locked up in the cage,
the cage without a key.
Once they go in, the cage can't be opened again.
Secrets pile up,
overwhelming the steel bars of the cell.
Pushing on the wall to escape.
No matter how much they rip the insides,
No matter how much they vandalize the walls,
They stay put.
If they try to escape,
they are pushed back down further than before.
Further in the damp dark prision of my mind.
If security fails, and secrets escape,
it tears the town, destroys the village,
Much more than it ever tore the cell walls of my heart.
The secrets I hold, deserve nothing more than solitary confinement.
To wilt away in the cell, until everybody forgets,
except the prision itself.  
Secrets are a reality.

*a reality I wish to forget.

Going through the motions,
Without looking back.

Stop

Take a moment.

Reread your past,
Relive those fleeting moments that won't return.
Revive you.

Step back into your moments of hate,
of love,
of happiness.

Feel yourself take the time machine back
into times of crises,
times of confusion.

Look.
Look at who you have become,
the tragedies you have faced,
and the strength given.
the joy you have experienced,
and the memories to remember.
the love you have shown,
and the endless amount yet to come.

Your life is precious
Take time out of your busy day,
and check your archive.

Reflect, Remember, *Reread

I borrow money to pay rent,
I owe them something

I receive help to fix my truck,
I owe them something

Even if it isn't physical.
My obligation is at least to give
a simple Thank You.

But

My decisions are my decisions,
My thoughts are my thoughts,
My actions are my actions.

I do not owe explanations

I simply owe, the *sufficient truth.

She represents this,
He represents that,
They represent it.

All tied together in one binding,
All connected under the same symbol.

Nobody knows the stories within,
Representing each figure with a flower or a stone.

The symbols outstretch wildly,
and nobody sees the connection.

No, not the relationship of words,
Those are as clear as day.

But, the representations we speak of,
the ones that travel through the actions of time.
Those are as dark as night.

If not me, it's her.
If not her, it's you.
If not you, it's them.

The web is infinite,
the links are endless.

•Known are the associations of few•
•Unknown are the ties between the non-corresponding•

Don't. you. dare.

Rage builds up again,
Fury spills over,
A burning passion smothers all else.

Hypocrisy discovered,
Attitude noted.

I don't think you realize what you're doing.

Adding kindling to the fire,
sending an explosion through the blaze,
letting the flames roar more than before.

Going into harms way,
Walking into the inferno

This is you're *one and only warning

*Back. Off.

Fists clenched so hard,
Nails piercing the skin.
Memories flow, like an endless river.
I am not alone

Searching for the answers,
Tearing through the fantasy,
Digging through the graves of the past.
I feel so alone

Pushed against the wall,
Forcing away my breath,
Feeding the fire kindling in my heart.
I can't be alone

Eyes darting back and forth,
Wondering what wall will tumble down,
Scared that my every move will cause pain.
*But I am alone

I think too much.
I make stories up, that will never come true.
I tell my self scenario's, that are impossible.
I hope for things, that never actually happen.
But it's always there.
Hope
Hope for, I can not say.
For it is not something that I believe to be true,
But it's something that I so desperately want,
So Hope remains.
What I say, What I do, I plan.
I have a meaning for everything,
because I think too much.
I overthink, I get scared, I get anxious.
Why must my mind question everything?
Can't I just live in the moment, see what happens?

No.
because that wouldn't be me.
I am someone who thinks too much,
Someone who worries about everything,
and takes everything to the next level.
My thinking may go over the top,
but it gives me occasional happiness,
and eternal hope...i think.

The love stretched out to two.
The entangled strings between us.
I let go of one, not to long ago.
The other, My mind was set to follow.
I clung, I hurt.
The confusion built up of the simple,
"He said, she said"
The one of whom I let go,
gave me valid advice:
To let go of the other.
I refused,
I clung, I hurt.
Finally, the message came through.
Written in the stars was the message.
Rain poured down as I told,
"This is the end, forever shes gone"
But instead I received nothing but sunshine.
I clung? No, I let go.
Im free.
Im free.

September 14, 2016

Where has it gone?
Has it come back to your existence, your recollection?
Did your belief come back?

Oh, honey.
You underestimate my power, my abilities.
It has never left.

What do you mean?
You left it behind you so long ago?
You mean to tell me you've carried it all this way?*

My darling,
It was a burden, I carried for ages.
It stays with me always and forever

I hate stepping on hot coals.
I try to avoid them,
but it takes a lot of energy and persistence.
I thought eventually a callus would form,
that way my feet would be numbed from the burn.
Turns out, that's not how the body works.
When again can I walk down a sidewalk,
instead of the burning path to hell?  

*the serpent slithers away into the darkness,
knowledge gained, and is ready to fire