I walk through the crowded mall, hearing the bustle of the after holiday rush. Everyone is looking for that one deal, or meeting up with their friends one last time before the busyness stirs up again. I, like always, am in my own little world. I see one thing, and my mind goes off on a tangent. Frozen Yogurt!-Oh that reminds me, I'm hungry. When did I eat last? Was it before or after...Oh yeah we met up with Grandma! She was wearing that pretty blue sweater...blue...I had to do something with bl- Then it cycles again. Honestly, I'm pretty used to it, I just kinda deal. I continue to walk, until I reach Hot Topic-my favorite store, of course. So, I go in, shop around. I'm minding my own business...then I hear it. The first note plays and I freeze-I haven't heard this since... anndd we get to the bad part of my mind. The crazy tangents can change my mood in an instant. My mind spins, and it leads to the same place it always does. I just stop and stare. I thought I was done with this-I thought-- Aye-that's where I was mistaken and went wrong. I thought-thinking-thinking is bad, at least in my context. One more thought came into my head...It's 2017.I repeat that over and over again-It's 2017...It's 2017-Why you ask? I'm putting up a shield. Things that happened in 2012, 2014, 2016, etc. They are all behind me. There is no use in holding  a grudge, no use in holding onto the anxieties that worried me then, because I can't physically handle holding onto these. Now, haha, yes-Easier said than done. Because yet again today, I passed a sign, I passed a person, I passed a decoration-and I thought-thought way too much. The thinking I'm doing is not random-I have my reasons, even if those reasons are crazy and insane. Now, some of you may be thinking, Isn't that unhealthy? To block something out of your mind? It will only resurface at a later date and be worse. It's better to face your problem head on, rather than ignoring it. Yes, I've thought about that, and well, it hasn't worked so far...Sooo, I'm thinking everyone has their ways to heal, and I have mine. Maybe one day, I'll be able to listen to that song again. Maybe one day, I'll be able to listen to the  entire album. Baby steps, I continue to move forward. Right now, I put up my Shield of 2017, and continue on my way.

"You are so innocent"
"You are so cute when you are angry"
"Oh, shh, you could never hurt anyone"
"You are too nice to do anything bad"
"Awh, look at you trying to be tough"
"Violence and you aren't even remotely related"
"You? Jealous?? But you're life is perfect!!! What more could you ask for???"


oh honey...
You haven't seen anything yet
I hide a side of me, no one is wants to see
Make me jealous, one more time, I dare ya
Hurt my friends, one more time,I dare ya
Break my family, like you've tried, I dare ya
Just if you do, watch your back
Sweet Revenge will be waiting around the corner

Just
You
*Wait

My head travels.
Was taken out of one,
and put in another.

No matter where I travel,
it will follow.

The constant dizziness,
The constant spinning,
The constant cycle.

The little fur ball,
The one who is always excited to see me.
Running, Barking, Playing.

My little brown eyes,
The one who snuggles up to me when I'm sad.
Cuddling, Snuggling, Petting.

My little woof woof,
The one who barks at literally everything, but still makes me laugh.
Jumping, Rolling, Woofing

My pride and joy,
The little ball of fluff that stole my heart five years ago,
with his little woofs,
his sweet little face.

Even though the little nut is so much to handle,
He will forever and always will be,
*my baby

I read the book,
I wrote the notes and I interpreted.
I came in to school,
and the teacher told me wrong.
I my interpretation was totally off,
even though I had resonable proof for my assumptions.
I just don't see, what others see,
Ya know?

I try, I can't
Everything is heavy all around.
I'm getting lost.
I fall, I stumble
I continue on, like nothing is wrong.
I'm losing.
I stop, I stare
I can't, Not anymore.
I lost.

We are friends, and will only be friends.
A part of me regrets my decision,
Us as a couple,
We both liked each other,
We kissed, sparks flew.
But, never forget the power that has.
Relationships have the power to grow apart.
Friendships grow strong, harder to break.
I will miss the gibberish, I will miss the hearts.
But in the end, I wont be missing you,
because I will have you,
You will be there when I need you,
You will be there when I fall.
Our friendship has grown forever strong.
I love you mostest
September 14, 2016

I meant what I said,
I said what I meant.

Here I will stay,
if needed I am.

I don't care what is said,
for I have heard it all.

You break your promise,
I will break mine.

had someone walk in
and you just freeze
because their stunning beauty
took your breath away...

Things can just...happen
Like, I don't mean for it to occur,
but it just, well, turns out that way-I guess
I would never purposely do these actions,
because I neither have the effort,
nor care enough, honestly,
But these things that occur
just happen to be extremely satisfying
Little things that make me smile,
Things that make me laugh
I guess you could say that with
Satisfaction, it just kinda
*happens

Not talked to someone all day,
then the moment you see their face
or hear their voice,
your heart feels warmer
and your day gets brighter,
One uncontrollable smile at a time?

The one who I vent to,
The one who listens.
The one who probably thinks I'm crazy,
but loves me anyways.

The one who I trust for anything,
The one who I tell everything,
The one who knows all,
but never judges me.

The one who trusts me,
The one who has my back,
The one who I am here for,
and doesn't push me away.

I don't really care how much you yell at me.
Don't you know by now that I'm not changing my response?

You belittle my attitude, my beliefs.
You tell me I'm wrong,
You don't give me a chance to defend myself.

Pushing more and more comments in my face,
I can't keep up with the bullets flying by me.

What if next time I let a bullet hit me?
Would you even care?

Tired Eyes
stargazing at night
Cold breeze
moves swiftly by the queit home
Deep Breaths
taken in, to calm and conquer
Natural High
*received through natures beauty

One simple gesture,
that makes all problems go away,
Especially when they come from the one whom you love

Would make things so much easier.
I could know what to wish for,
without me being broken in the end.
I could know who to follow,
So I wouldn't go anywhere I didn't want to.
I could know what to do,
In times like this when confusion sets in,
and I don't know if what i'm thinking,
Is correct.
I hate to make myself hopeful,
for things that won't come true.
But I can't shake it off.
I don't know,
I will never know,
*the truth

Every move I make,
the shadow lurks in the distance.
The faster I walk,
the faster it follows.

I feel scolding hot passion,
the shadow's warmth surrounds my existence.
Filters of scarlet, ruby, and carmine penetrate my sight,
it's inside, it's taken over.

Possessive cover, my body goes numb,
the shadow's taking me away.
Through the crimson view, I see my feet, my hands,
they move in directions I have no control.


I'm walking towards the noise, the unforgettable noise. It screams. Branches fall, pushing it's wrath closer to my doom. I walk straight. I can't stop, I can't turn around. *I'm walking into a fire, nothing can save me at this point.

Our minds, our bodies, our souls.
Belittled are we,
Smothered are we,
Crushed are we.

A hot fire melts through our backs,
as the glares burn holes in our minds.
It fuels the fire in our souls,
the rage in our hearts.

Heat rises creating painful burns,
scarring our canvas,
leaving permanent emptiness,
in the hopelessness and despair.

Rage never dissipates.
It grows as it's fed,
adding kindling to the anger,
that blazes inside our body.

It melts us,
It ruins us.
It defaces,

*our identity

The voices drag me from the shadows,
Dragging me to the light, to the sun.
They don't realize, my shadows will always appear in the sunlight.
I have no escape, from the little part of me.

I don't want to escape,
I want to stay.
The darkened side, will always stay.

*You belong to the shadows, and the shadows are where you will remain safe. Do not disobey

When something clicks,
you feel it.

Even if the colors don't quite match up,
the puzzle piece fits.

It's nice to know,
it really is.

*It wasn't me

Those wood covered walls, water damaged floors, torn up carpets
hold memories.
That candy wrapper, that's been there for three years,
The office where deep conversations where held early into the morning
The old birch tree which friends and family gathered around
The hill on which children sleigh, speeding down almost to the road

Smoke fills the air with the roaring fireplace,
day in, day out.
until the departure day
the smoke clears, the memories are pushed aside
Bustling, Hustling to rush out

Rushing too fast to enjoy the last moments,
*moments you can never get back.

Confirmation is always hard.
Especially from those whom you trust.

I hate to admit the truth, I wanted so desperately to be  proven wrong.
Yet the evidence gives me a strong case

It hurts to know.
I just don't comprehend.

What did I do wrong?
That I was kicked out,
yet she got to stay?

Why did it stop me,
*but not her?

Food is good, They say.
Sleep is good, They say.
People are good, They say.
Funny how only one is true,
But even then, sometimes it's zero.

Looking into the distance,
Forever wondering what comes next.
A whole world of possibilities lay ahead,
The only thing that stands in the way is my head,
Telling me what to do, what not to do,
But it makes it very confusing.
"We all want what we ain't got"
So let's enjoy what we have now.
Forget what has happened in the past,
And move forward.
The past can not be changed,
no matter how bad you want it to.
My best advice to you?
Start over, start fresh.
Every year we get this opportunity.
Take advantage of it.
Today, I have mine.

I'm sorry.
I wish I hadn't,
because then I wouldn't be this deep.
I'm sorry.
I wish I had,
because then I could see clearer.
I'm sorry.
I wish in general,
because it only leads to confusion.
I'm sorry.
I wished for you,
because it only lead to heartbreak.
I'm sorry.
I let go,
because I now am lost.
I'm sorry.*
I'm sorry.

Speak, child, Speak.
For I try to help,
with what I do not know.

Tell, brother, Tell.
What I can do,
to stop the pain you feel.

Scream, sister, Scream.
At me for all the things,
I have done you wrong.

Say, dear, Say.
Things to my identity,
So I can hear what is deserved.

Speak, child, Speak.
For I cannot help,
with what I do not know.

All relative.
I do many things,
My head races a mile a minute,
Maybe I'm not productive by society's view,
But I feel as though I am myself.
I am looking after myself and others,
I do things I deem as important.
Society makes everything important,
Why must I rank my priorities?
If only I could handle everything,
Then I could finally stay productive.