𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞.
𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙸 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝
𝚂𝚘 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚔 𝚠𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚜.

𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚘.
𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝
𝚂𝚘 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚠𝚎 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚟𝚎𝚜.
𝙳𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚛.

some people believe birthdays
are a time of celebration
whilst mine forces me into a
sobering reflection
each year the withdrawal
becomes stronger
for each year my life keeps
falling
apart
and each year i cut my hands
trying to assemble the broken
pieces
of the past

I opened up to you,
about my struggles, my destructive behaviors
and you said just don't do it.
If i could "just not do it",
I wouldn't have any secrets to be sharing with you.
I wouldn't be so depressed that I needed you.

I can feel it coming back
The hollow cavity, once again
Has claimed residence in my chest
I can feel it suppressing each breath
It weighs me down, I am carrying lead
It poisons my blood stream
I try to scream
Nothing escapes because my lungs are filling
I can’t breathe
The viscous liquid is killing
The world has drowned
Or possibly
It was me

Like quicksand, the more I struggle
The more the sand buries me
Inch by inch
Gasping for breath the small sediments
sting my throat
there’s no way out
only down
only the ground
that fills my lungs
I can’t breathe
No more sound
The world has drowned
Or maybe
It was me

The grains of sand fly through the sky
The wind picks up
More and more sand flies
It whips my hair, it stings my eyes
The wind gains strength
Calamitous glory
The grains meld together
They move together
They pulsate and writhe
Seemingly devoid of time
They fall and rise
A sea of sand dunes takes the skies
I can’t breathe
There is no more air
The world has drowned
Or conceivably
It was me

It sounds different from the ocean
I can hear the movements of each grain
I can hear their commotion
The tide pulls my legs
The wind rips my hair
The waves crash down on my body
Thousands of tiny scratches cover me
Head to toe
My skin is sanded thin as paper
The current is swirling
The sound of sand rushes
Like the indistinct murmur of hushes
The wave rises
The wave rises
If a wave rises it must fall
The wave falls
I cant breathe
I am crumpled, a paper ball
The world has drowned
Or likely
It was me


The thinnest parts of me rip
I spill out into the sea of grains
Undefinable, my pain
Indescribable
I can no longer tell where I begin
And where the ocean ends
I can now see the way the sky bends
The water becomes salty from my tears
Or maybe the salty water is my tears
My fading gaze flickers to the horizon
It is just a straight line
The world has drowned
And certainly
It was me
but inconceivably
Its all just a straight line

I want you to open up my mind
Look past this life’s lies
Ask me what colour did I paint the sky
What does wind look like through my eyes
And what is this force that binds us together
Is it the same force that compels the earth and moon to dance forever
Ask me and I will describe the way the sky bends
They way the moon mends
Each and all of my wounds
You see my mind is a beautiful place
It’s a shame to see you let it go to waste

What is this tree
It is out in the open
But is it free
Is it hoping
To breathe

With tears in her eyes
And nicotine in her mind
She stares out into an ocean
And wishes she could walk on water

Your words mean nothing
Because if they meant something
They would mean everything

We constantly flip the switch
                                  footsteps approaching *
“Hurry”
                                                 “Shhh”
               *flick
They can’t know we live in the dark

I know you never approve
I always disappoint you
But this is my life
And I have a point to prove

You are the well my depression is drawn from
Never ending your shaft runs in my veins
Forever flowing, you ignite my pain

I feel sorry that you left
Because you thought I wasn’t enough
So, you settled for even less
With someone I’m above

The air is thicker than it use to be
It takes too much strength to fill these lungs
Why did they change the way we breathe
Weren’t we trying hard enough

I can not be ok unless my world is crumbling apart.
I can only stretch my limbs around your calamity
tie them in a bow,
if my eucatastrophe catastrophically collapses.

The more my mind becomes at peace,
the more I stay awake at night staring out my window
into the ink shadow,
And tango with the shattered moonlight.

Nostalgia consumes
Slip and plummet into a cataclysmic monsune

So I welcome you,
I beg you, rip my heart to shreds
make my mind a mess.
Defile my body and brake my sprit, burn my tattered shreds
in the blazing fire of your hate.

Look at it insanity, everywhere, everything
I will drown in it, I will drown in the screams.
Humanity clings
But pain, the saviour the messiah
is the only thing that makes me feel okay
the only way I can tell fantasy from fiction
pain is the only thing that keeps my devils at bay.

I am the creator of my own catastrophe,
I am the designer of my own tragedy.
Agony.
I am both my antidote and poison, the repercussions of one are felt at magananimous magnitudes of the other.
A never ending cycle.
Estranged peace, unwonted quite. Lock myself in a small room let darkness take me,
insanity break me,
my demons create me,
the evils of the world dance in that room,
they dance with me.
This is my estranged peace,
this is my unwonted quite.

I smile,
a smile so out of place,
put on my mask to cover my face.
I gather my shreds and sow them into a terrorizingly beautiful quilt.
I can only be human if mayhem is raging
under the surface of the lie I built
bubbling over
pressure building
scales tipping.

There is something terribly irreparably broken.
There is a darkness that was terribly irreparably woken

I can only be ok if my world is crumbling apart.

Because something inside screams for chaos.

You said my eyes sparkle
To the stars they are tethered
Like the night sky
You could get lost in them forever

Sleep is an elusive shadow that I will forever chase

At night my mind wanders
I think about the bareness of my legs
The soft rubing of the sheets against them
I think about my underwear the way it feels to wear it
I think about the way it feels to take it off
Then I think about you
Laying here in my empty bed
My empty pillow adorned with your head
Your breath dancing onmy neck
I think about the bareness of my legs
the way they feel against yours
They way your smell encases me
How your eyes melt into an million memories
And a million more emotions
How the thought of you causes such a commotion

Yet I’ve never told you I love you

I lost my black dog.

Today he came home.

Oh what I would give
To be oblivious and innocent
Oh what I would give
To undo the things I did
Oh what I would give
To go back to being a little kid

If I rip out my throat
You cannot hear me scream
If I blind your eyes
Can you cannot see me heave
Or my tears, you cannot see me cry

But you have bound my hands
And torn my throat
So you cannot hear my screams
But delight in watching
My contorted mouth cry silent tears

i am consumed by the overwhelming urge
to up root and change my world

i am sick of seeing
the same things i always see

i am sick of being
the same contempt me

It’s hard to imagine that by being yourself
You could save someone’s life
You don’t have to imagine
Because you’ve done it so many times
I know now you can’t understand
But when your older I will take your hand
Look you in the eyes
And tell you because of you
I am alive

How long do you want me to wait
20 minuets 3 years
I hate myself
Because I know I’ll wait for you until death appears

I am no longer acquainted with hunger.
This flesh has forgotten his name.
This vessel has lost its way.

We strive for the minimal,
Simplicity is safe.
To be bold is to be vulnerable;
An unsteady state.

I am devoid of something,
I am a void of nothing.

As she drained the bottle of wine
She realised
It was empty just like
Everyone's promises

When we were kids
We used to dream about
Finding love
Our first kiss
Having somebody to miss

You would dream about
Finding a love that encapsulates your soul
As It cascades down your body Trickling through each fibre of your being
Each heart beat sends a melody
that drips through your blood stream
Now your heart beats differently
entwined with another's
Infinitively
Both Love and blood share the same descendant,
The colour red
Maybe because they both flow through our veins
Maybe because they are the same
Indistinguishable

For a long time we dreamt about this day
But what if it wasn't a single day
It was a perpetual journey
You found yourself loving this person more each day
in ways that are undefinable
this kind love was indescribable
You find that your cracks are filled by their imperfections,
mending each other with your flaws
You find their presence is a kindling fire of comfort and warmth
Their smile fixes every inequity
Their eyes melt into a million memories
You find this person is home

I am so confused.
Confusion is a precarious state.
I feel so depressed
into the oblivion of a thousand lethargies I plummet.

I don’t know how to let it out
From sadness I cannot rest
so it rolls on for perpetuity.
It rolls on unexpressed

I could slice my flesh
Paint a beautiful artwork with red
but I’m so tired.

I could eat my feelings, then purge,
Until my stomach aches, hands shake
but I’ve already done that.

I could lash out in an epoch
of hidden rebellion
but I can’t escape my fortress of living hell.

There are no ways out

I don’t have the motivation to exist.
I don’t have the motivation to breathe
But I’m too tired to sleep
I’m too tired to die.

I am supressed  
I am oppressed
I am depressed.

Finally,
I have the strength to say goodbye

Sometimes I wonder if
My eyes water so much because
My body is trying to cry the tears
My mind won’t let free

Drowning in the ocean of your eyes
you leaned in just too far away  
Your lips taunting me
You had me playing mercy
I was begging you to take me