Sometimes I worry I won't have a beautiful life

I've never been one to ask for flowers
And I've never been one to see a perfect date as dinner and a movie
I just wasn't raised like that
Love to me couldn't be bought

As I look ahead I wonder if there will be any beauty to it
If anyone will truly love me
If anyone will ask for me
If anyone will cry over me

It makes me sick wondering if I will mean anything
If there is any beauty to me at all

But then I reflect
Turn my head and look back
And I think of all the moments with you
Filled with red carnations and fireworks

I see the beauty in the little places
It helps me to know that I am beautiful with you
And I can't wait to have a beautiful life by your side

It has been twenty days since I saw you
That boils down to about...
...480 hours
...28,800 minutes
...1,728,000 seconds
Not to mention a whole lot of missing you

You are so very far away
And I know they say out of sight out of mind
But the farther you are the more I think

I want to know everything
But mostly I want to know if you are alright

I'm sorry for a lot of things
But i'm mostly sorry for my lies
You know the simple ones
Like saying I'm alright when I just want to die

I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I told you to go away when I needed you most
And I'm sorry I was never much
There and gone just like a ghost

This feeling fills me
It starts at my toes
And it reaches up until it takes a hold on my heart
It squeezes it and makes each breath feel heavy
And I'm helpless as it fills me to my brim
Then I break and it all pours out
A leak springs from my eyes as tears begin to fall
Because the truth is I'm not strong enough

Your words are lingering in my mind
And I can't help but wonder if you're right
If you're not meant to be mine
Because I've been wrong before
And I see the way you look at her
And i'm stranded in this island in my mind
No ship of hope in sight
Because I thought just maybe paradise would last forever
But I am now forced to recognize it
An inevitable storm on the distance
And it might just tear us apart
but if it doesn't well stand strong together
Because then you were meant to be mine

I know it's only a matter of time
Until I never see you again
But in that one moment I think I might a loved you
And as reckless as it is
I miss the way you gave me life
Despite what you were hoping to take
And i'm torn
As I wander through a house of memories

Close my eyes and I'm there again
The cold floor of the kitchen and the heat from the wood stove
Into the hallway and you're there
And it feels too good to be true
Together again
And we can watch old monster movies
Ride dirt bikes through the mud
Shoot arrows at imaginary deer
Just as long as we're together again

Bruised around the ankles
Burns on my thighs
Never be perfect
So why even try

One Year Ago Today I Was:

In A Bad Situation To Say The Least
Feeling Very Worthless And Alone
Incredibly Cold In The Snow
Staying A Friends House
In Love With A Monster
Heavily Intoxicated
Wearing A Dress
Bleeding Out
Violated

Today I Am:

Far Away From My Past And The Pain
In Love With My Dear Sweet Boy
Happy Healthy And Free
Studying For My Trade
Without a Single Cut
Living on My Own
Emotionally Intact
Warm At Heart
Reborn

I'd like to dream of a dress as white as snow.
But then again what do I know?
I'd like to imagine a stone cool as water.
But then again why even bother?
I'd like to think about all the things to come.
But I suppose not until right now is done.

We were supposed to be more than this
Once upon a time we were inseparable
But now you hardly know me
Just another faded memory in the back of your brain  
And what can I say
Every single day
We grow farther and farther apart
And life isn't fair that I know
But I thought it would be kinder
I thought maybe you'd get to stick around
But I was wrong
And who knew it would end like this
Because I never even thought it would end
And what can I say besides I'm sorry
I'm sorry you're gone
And I'm sorry I'm gone away
And I'm sorry it's all over

Funny thing when you realize you don't have any real following
Mom has always wanted me to have more friends
But shes critical of the ones I have
So I've gotten used to silence  
Sleepovers for one
And emptiness
I thought
You know
That it would be
Different here, unlike at home
But I'm still without anyone really
So I type my words into a screen and just hope
Hope maybe somewhere out there is the friend I need

As light begins to fade
Darkness
Emptiness
It all takes shape

The winds begin to change
So much colder now
Sinking deeper now

Look out below

The seasons start to change
It goes faster now
Stranger now

My dear nothing is the same
Just close your eyes
Say goodbye

Look out below

It goes faster
And harder
And deeper now

And its darker
And colder
And wicked out

But you are stronger
And braver
And better now

My dear you know
you'll get out

As darkness begins to fade
Light shines on a brand new day

The world begins to change
So much brighter now
There is beauty now

Look up now
Stand up now
You're free now

What happens when a song ends?
Simply replay?
Hope to start again?

Or let it fade to black
Let the colors bleed
Let it die

Do you simply create a new one?
Hope for something unending
Something beautiful

Do you never listen again?
Let no more music reach your heart
Let no more light in

Do you move on?
Do you let the past die?
And let the future arrive

Or do you simply crumble?
Let the tears fall
Let your will struggle to survive

Does your heart drop?
Drop like the ******* base
Does it sink from sight?

Or maybe your heart flutters
Reaching as high as it can
Hoping for salvation

No matter what you do the song is gone
So do what you must to go on

I guess you could say I hate you
But hate Doesn't feel quite right
After all there was a time once
I wanted nothing more than you in my life

And  know it was never nothing
Because nothing isn't something to cry about
But isn't it sad
Sad to see it all die out

It's a bitter sting now
Because as much as you frustrate me
You were the only one who believed
You showed me how to see

And days turn to months
And months to years
I hope you forget
All your fears

So it's not a goodbye
So much as a see you for now
But when the world sets me back in your court
Don't expect me to bow

Funny how I turned out just like you
I know mom says it enough
"You're just like your father."

I wish things could have been different
That you could have loved me right
Like how you used to

I don't know what changed that
Was is my budding sexuality
Or my increasing sorrow

You find happiness in a bottle
But I believe happiness cant be bought bottled canned or packaged
Only found within us

And I wish you would figure that out
That if you opened your eyes and took a look around
We all try to make you proud

Because I am a daddy's girl
Always have been
Always will be

It's just a shame you cant find a way to approach me
To love me
Because I love you regardless of whats happened

What more can I say
It's a violent kind of pain
The kind that never ends
And I have no one to blame but myself
Always pushing just a little farther
A little deeper
with dainty cuts
And horrid slashes
Blood was like water
And I was a river
Always flowing
Never ending
And we were one
The bleeding was me
And I was always bleeding

Slash in he morning to calm my nerves
Slash at night to put me to rest
Glass in my mouth while I sat in class
And every time it was to much the gentle push of my tongue
Feeling the roof of my mouth split
And the cold taste of blood

I miss the soft kiss of pain with every wound
And I miss feeling relaxed wile life poured from my wrists
I miss the pain and the misery

But it brought me no relief
Just a constant hunger for more
So today I fast from the pain
As I will tomorrow and the next day
And maybe one day
My wrists won't hurt anymore

I was standing in Walmart when I sent that text
Asking you to the dance  
Now when I asked you to the dance it was never an actual invitation to actually dance with you
Just a scared girl making a very small step
And you said yes
And I could not have been any happier
Now fast froward to that day and I couldn't take a single step in your direction
I didn't know how to face you
And so I left the money for you to get into the dance at the table and hid in the crowd
And soon you were in and I had to stop hiding  
You were funny as always and I loved it
You brought me out to dance and it was great
You made me feel like no one else ever had.
And the first slow dance came and I wasn't able to dance with you  
And I was so mad
But given time the second slow song came on
And in that moment I froze
It felt like forever had passed while I tried to think of what to do
And my brain panicked and said run
But my heart said dance
So in that moment I held out my hand
And you took it
And I was swept off my feet
And at the end of the night I wasn't ready to say goodbye
But like that night all things must end.

I never saw it coming
But she called me kind

Kind is not the first word I would use to describe one such as myself
Probably not the second word or even the third

And did I relay even know her?
Not at all, she was just another girl like me

Almost a year since I've seen her
And yet she remembers me enough to think of me as kind

She ignored my hellos, or didn't bother to listen
Maybe she has been listening all along

Maybe she has been watching and getting to know me
But the again if she really knew me she wouldn't call me kind

I've torn up the letters
And burned the notes
You don't get to see what I said
Or know what I wrote

Time is no friend
It brings only pain
And I feel what I say
Has nothing to gain

It hurts a little less now
And as days turn into years
You will forget a great deal
But will you remember the girl in tears

Sometimes I feel like dying
Only because I cannot stand to be alive

Find myself flying
Waiting to dive.

Taking in air
Only to choke.

Trying to be strong
Knowing i'm broke.

So why should I live
Only to die.

Is there something out there?
Something to being alive.

Ten Little Fingers
And Ten Little Toes
Not Even I Know How Far This Will Go

But Before I Do
And It's All Begun
Dare I Say Lets Have Some Fun

Don't Try To Stop Me
No Don't Even Dare
Cause We Both Know Life Isn't Fair

One you hear it everything changes
Ever look every encounter
Because now I know
And you're the same as always
But it's just a silly little secret
And you'l never know that I know

It’s the color in your breath against the icy air
It’s the touch of your skin on mine when our hands meet
It’s the sight of a peeking sun while you hold me after a long night
It’s the taste of your lips on mine
It’s the feeling that you fill my heart with

It’s the color of your temper
It’s the touch of your tightening hands on my throat
It’s the sight of my blood-stained body
It’s the taste of my pain every time I swallow
It’s the feeling of rage that fills your heart

It’s the fleeting color red that floods my vision just before I drop into darkness

Look to the silver screen
Locked lips and soft hips
Love is everywhere
And sometimes its messy
Wild
Forbidden
And perfect
So incredibly perfect
And you just cant help but to put yourself in their shoes
Wrapped up in the arms of another
Forever and ever

Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you
And I may not have noticed it right away
But that's How I feel now without you
Lost
And I feel stupid for never realizing
Just how much of me included you
And I wish now more than ever that I could just hold you
And take away all the pain
Because I would give it all to not loose you

Swallow my tears,
And swallow my pride,
While this darkness Swallows me up inside.

Staring back into my own eyes
Feeling nothing
Shut out the whole world
Fading away

We rise and we fall as the hills turn to dust
We sink or we swim, we do as we must
As hard as I try, I barely survive
Fading away

Don’t be fooled as my lips lay still
The internal scream is deafening
This continuous motion
I feel it crumbling

Sometimes I wish something would happen
Not every day
Not even every week
Just every once in a while

I hear the music, your voice, and your heart
I know i'm safe even when we're apart
I love every smile, every kiss, every touch
You make me into something I could only dream of being
Some kind of dazzling creature
But it's deceiving
I fear you have fooled yourself along with me
Hoping for something that cannot yet be
And I blindly fall for it
I hope and I pray there there is a way
To strip my dreams of their fictional title
I am so afraid to overstep you
To scare you away, to ultimately lose
I’ve never known anything quite this good
I don’t want it to end, though it could

And suddenly one day i’m no longer dazzling
I'm simply plain and weak and blind
I’m afraid, and I don't know what to do
I’ve never had anyone like me so long
Though my invincibility will soon be gone
I panic and stumble and try really hard
But you're getting farther and farther away
I miss your kisses, and all of your love
I miss being special and something worth love

I feel so broke now
So unsure and afraid
I don't know what I did to ruin it all

Its been
6 months since I saw your smile in my presence
5 months since I was able to call you my own
4 months since I stopped crying
3 months since I tried to reach out
2 months since I moved on
1 month since I realized I have to face you again

...and yet last night I dreamt of you

It was where I met you
And you were sitting right where I left you
And you smiled
It as slow at first as if you were uneasy
Then all at once with the warmth and happiness I used to know

And your arms were around me again
They way they always used to be
And you weren't so cold  
And just as I began to settle I was awake again

I opened my eyes to the darkness

Shut down, get up
Over and over again
Lights out, enough
I can still see you, a shadow in the light
I can still feel you, closer than ever before

So just close your eyes
Let it  just fall in
Breathe now
Over and over again
There's no time like this
No time like now

Just let go and wake up

Which is more powerful love or hate?
Sounds tricky doesn't it?
With no answer as straight,
And no side easy to commit.

Love is powerful no doubt.
Makes your heart flutter,
Leaves you dancing about.
However love also leave your mind full of clutter.

Yet hate is so strong.
It demands respect,
Can power you along.
You just cant let it run out of check.

But maybe love and hate are on a coin, just two sides.
Both so passionate and raw, yet its us it divides.