The sun will rise again
The gnarled branches will bloom
The forest will yawn
And sleepy sighs will follow
The frost will melt
And the soil will give birth
To a new world
Dawn is coming
The creatures sing with her arrival
Gone will be the ice
That separated us from her warmth
Shadows will dissipate
And the wild will grow anew
Our bodies will thrive
My body is her garden
Soothed by her presence
Awakened by her opening eyes
I am a part of her
One with the earth and the creatures roaming
This is our rebirth
Our celebration
Together we welcome the morning
We feast through the glorious day
And by fire light we pray for the harvest
Welcome, mother
We have been waiting

Don’t be that girl
But I already am
And I’ve done a lot of damage
With my own two hands
And I guess it’s hard to tell
But I know it’s easy to see
That every version I give
Is a different side of me
But I keep my mouth shut
The way I’m told I should
And I bite back my answer
When they say it’s all good
And I fold myself up
Let my face say it all
Denying your assumptions
Even when they’re not wrong
Because I really don’t care enough
To keep playing games
And I’m kind of ******* tired
Of people screaming my name
And I’m more than my body
Or “you’re cool it’s just that”
Or how every time I ignore a guy
He responds with “oh well you’re fat”
And I’m sick of second guessing
And being the next choice
Sick of being crossed off the list
Sick of not using my voice
I’m sick of the noise
Screaming constant in my head
Sick of wishing for more, or worse
Wishing I was dead
I’m sick of wanting
Because that **** never works
And I’m sick of not feeling
Because even that ******* hurts
And I’m always the one
But somehow never ******* enough
Unless we’re just *******
But hey, it might be love
Right?
What a ******* joke
So funny I keep laughing
And I keep medicating
As if it’s not a bad thing
But ******* it I’m tired
******* over being this
Because this is never chosen
And I’m just constantly ******
So let it be silent
For even a second of peace
Before I really lose my ****
And forget how to breathe
Because I’m that ******* girl
And I always have been
And I’ll drag your *** with me
When I’m in hell for my sins.

To the girl who lies awake
Who cannot remember a time
She wasn't crying
She wasn't aching
She wasn't struggling
To breathe, to love, to live
To the girl
Who cannot see
Through the broken glass
Thick with the words of others
Who has been called
Nothing
Worthless
Annoying
Or sensitive
To the girl who has been told
You are not strong
You are not smart
You are not capable
To the girls who have been told
To keep their mouths shut
To obey
To conform
To stop fighting
To the WOMEN
Because we should stop
Calling you girls
We should stop limiting your potential
Minimizing your pain
Generalizing your struggles
To the WOMEN
With voices
And opinions
And emotions
To the WOMEN
Who fight day in and day out
To the WOMEN
Who have been told
Your pain is less than another's
Your story is not important
Your testimony is not
Enough
To all of the women
Who have seen and felt and wanted
Who have loved and hated
Who have been hurt
Oppressed
And smothered
To the women who remember
The very last day of their girlhood
With painful clarity
To the women who hear us
And cannot speak
To the women who have been waiting
For this movement
This is for the women who have watched us
Screaming at the top of our lungs
Fighting for this moment
For change
For a new world where our daughters
May walk with their heads held high
Where our sisters
May march like warriors
And KNOW
That there is fire in their blood
Where our mothers
May watch us manipulate our destiny
And carve out our dreams among the stars
So the we may sit in thrones
Alongside them
Because we are mighty
We are fierce
And we are where we are today
Because of the sacrifices they made
The women before us
Suffering
Despairing
And fighting
We will not give up
We will not give in
This is to all of my sisters
Women who feel the same calling
Who feel the defiance
Burning in their eyes
In the faces of their oppressors
This is to my sisters
Who feel they do not have the voice
Or the strength
Or the will
To keep fighting
We will fight for you
We will carry you
We will be your voice
We are no longer alone
And fear no longer has a say here
Time's up
And the time is now
We will rip the muzzles from our mouths
And we will scream
Until the streets run red
With the truth we live
Every
Single
Day
We will not be silenced
We will not be stopped
We will ferociously
And furiously
And fearlessly
Fight
The bonds will break
The earth will rattle beneath our feet
And we will bring a change with us
That will ripple through time
So that our granddaughters may sing
A song full of freedom
This is to all of you
A promise
An invitation
I will fight for you
My voice will join the millions of others
And I will stand
Until my legs fail
And my body crumbles
And even then I will still cry out for you

I realized I couldn’t become you.
Today, after years of fear
Burning at the back of my throat like fire,
I realized,
If I had the ability
To become like you at all,
The tears in her eyes
Wouldn’t have put tears in mine

Believe it or not
I'm screaming every day
Because being a woman is
A pain you can't forget
From hands over mouths
And mouths on bodies
And bodies under pressure
Pressure to be perfect or
Pressure to be pliable
Wrists stuffed down behind backs
And knees pushed wide apart
Fear in our eyes
Blotting out the stars
And cotton shoved in our throats
Stifling our voices
When the world ignores our cries
I. Am. Always. Screaming.
Because every day
Is looking over my shoulder
Convincing myself
As I stand in a mirror
Knuckles white with my rage
My repressed hatred
My scars
I am strong
I am fierce
I can do this
But the pain
The fear
The constant wondering
And constant betrayal
Because none of these men I love
Give a **** about this fight
Understand what it means
To sit next to a stranger on a bus
And feel their skin start to shiver
The eyes of them
The souls
The skin
The men I came to trust
Or believe in
They don't know the harsh reality
The horror movie I have to face
The nightmare I have to live
We have to live
We are not alone
But that is not enough
I stand with you
But two bodies tied to the post
Only burn together
We're both dying
We're both screaming
How do we make this place
Safe for the women who
Will inherit our shoes?

I’m supposed to be happy right now
Fitting into dresses and stretch pants
And eating pickles
I’m supposed to be glowing
Watching my tummy grow
And picking out the perfect name
I would’ve known by now
Whether you’d be born a girl or boy
What color your room might be
I’m supposed to be emotional
But a different type than I am now
I’m supposed to cry over things
Like spilled milk
And unlikely animal friends
But I’m crying over emptiness instead
Loneliness
Fear
I’m not supposed to be sad right now
I’m supposed to be measuring my belly
And eating lots of fruit
Going to doctors
And listening to your tiny heartbeat
I’m supposed to be there
I’m supposed to be overjoyed
And excited
And worried
I’m supposed to be making plans
And decorating and redecorating
And driving your daddy crazy
I am supposed to be a mom
I should be looking at tiny clothes
And little shoes we’ll use once
Buying dehumidifiers and strollers
Reading pamphlets and dodging cravings
I should be complaining
About stretch marks and growing feet and sweaty palms
I should be loving every inch of you already
And struggling with stupid simple tasks
I should be moody
And impossible
And hungry
And eager to meet my tiny human
My sweet baby
My whole heart...
But I’m not.
I’m supposed to be pregnant
And I’m not
I’m supposed to be waiting for you
And I can’t
Because I lost you.
Because you’re already gone.
And all I have left of you is memories
Of cravings and emotions and ideas
A doctors visit and a photo of my first test
A faint pink line
I’m supposed to be halfway there...
And I’m not

It’s a little like a whisper
At the back of my mind
Feather light breaths
Against my cheek
As natural as anything could be
But God it shouldn’t have been

Why am I still smiling
I don’t think I can help it
With your presence at my side
Immovable and solid
Tell me why
I can’t seem to remember my anger

I can’t control it
I don’t think I ever could
Though I thought I might
It’s funny
How wrong you can be
And maybe I wasn’t at fault
But that doesn’t erase the guilt
Of a traitorous heart

So what happens then
With laid bare hopes
Pressed between pages and
Shared under street lamps and stars
How do I begin
To unravel the trouble I’ve woven

It’s a bit funny
Because I can’t quite seem
To get it right
And it isn’t your fault
Just a matter of circumstance
Because I met you
And for a moment
It seemed the universe was sighing

How comfortable I became so quickly
The surety of my gaze
How easy it was to be there
Moments born of cosmic mystery
No
Darling it wasn’t your fault at all
Just the wrong time
To choose the right kind of person

And there’s a romance
In my memory of it
A cadence to the way it went
One I can’t help but listen to
Eyes closed
Head tilted back
Bathing in the sweetness
Of those moments
So when you ask me
The answer is no
I was never angry
Because you reminded me
That I have a heart wholly capable
Of learning to love again

It's a cold and bitter day
But sometimes bitter is okay
I could never handle
All the sugar coating but
I guess I never expected you
To be so blunt
Nevertheless
Mornings taste better
With nicotine between my teeth
And I always picture the sight of you
In the middle of October
When my breath curls into little flowers
In the frigid air
But the cold isn't all that does it
I see you in foggy bathroom mirrors
Covered in steam
And I can hear you in echoes
Of labored breaths off the shower walls
Ugh
I miss you
And it leaves a funny taste in my mouth
Remembering my knuckles on a white sink
And my knees bruised and scraped
I used to take pride in my wild ways
But they're just memories now
Hazy images from a time of drowning
But it sure felt like breathing
And the high of you
Was so intoxicating
Even better than the whiskey on your tongue
And I can remember the height of it
Hotel rooms and cheap bottles
Lying on mahogany tables
Next to crumpled up papers
And styrofoam boxes that carried
More bones than they did hopes
I can hear the tv static
And your voice
Over the flick of a bic lighter
Telling me to get in the tub
.
.
.
It always smelled so nice in there
And the water was always loud enough
So I couldn't hear you or myself just
A ticking clock
This metronome in my head
Reminding me always
Time
Is running out
And I'd stare at bruises on my arms
Trace the cracks in the floor
I wondered how high I could get
Or how low
But morning brings its peace
Or some semblance of it
And I find my fate usually
In the bottom of a coffee cup
The smell of it solidifying my place here
My monotonous life
Wrapped up in hints of hazelnut
And vanilla smoke
Maybe I'll be calm enough to enjoy the warmth
Sitting and picking at the paint on my nails
While the last of the caffeine
Vibrates through my shaking fingers
A breath never felt so unsteady
But I knew my place
And I thought you might too
But people don't make those choices
Over coffee
They make them after dinner
With their dresses hiked up
And belts around ankles
With slammed doors and quiet corners
In fast cars and packing tape
The last thing to do is watch the empty mug
Rolling on the table in lazy circles
And think maybe you'll clean it
Once the cream dries
And the bottom gets sticky
Or maybe you'll throw it out
Give up on the mug
Like they gave up on you
Because nothing is worth keeping
In a life like that

Accepting that life is cruel
That that’s just the way it is
And that humanity doesn’t deserve happiness
It’s just a cop out
For not taking responsibility
Because if you realize you can have it
If you realize that life can be beautiful
And that you really can be happy
Then all those wasted years
Might crush you beneath their weight
And the suffocating heaviness
Of realizing you were in control all along
Is something you’re too afraid
To hold on your own two shoulders
But listen up baby
Because what I’m about to say is the truth
You are strong enough to carry it
You are strong enough to choose it
Choose yourself
Choose happiness and love
You’re the only one who can make that true
And I promise you
The weight is not unbearable
You can shoulder that grief
All those years lost to worry or pain or trauma
You can shoulder it because
It is temporary
And it is worth it
The reward you reap
From choosing yourself
Is well worth the weight
That isn’t quite as heavy as you fear.

To love tastes like sweetness
Fresh strawberries
And few drops on skin
It feels like grassy green hills
Starry night skies
And murmured words
Carried across state lines
Letters bundled in brown string
Lavender stems
And wax buttons
To love looks like her eyes
Mountains and earth and life
It looks like sunflowers
And bonfires
And nervous car rides
Sometimes I close my eyes
And her voice is there
At the back of my mind
Her laughter playing over and over
And I think to myself
This
This is what it feels like
But tongues these days
Were made to be held
And I’ve made it a hobby
To keep to myself
And the moments I steal
Between thought and dreaming
I spend realizing that many could do
So much better than this
But love looks a lot
Like who she is to me
Whether it’s not the right time
Or it may never be
And despite my desire
To face the world on my own
The sound of her voice
Never leaves me alone
And I find myself in bed
Lying awake through the night
Smiling at her humor
And thinking she might
Think of me too
And I don’t know why it happened
Why I can’t erase her from my mind
But I find I don’t want to
That I couldn’t if I tried
That every second of her presence
Every moment in time
I spend craving more of her
Always more of her

I’ve done what they said
Cleaned up my space, put on a brave face
And I’ve dressed myself up
Combed my hair back, just to distract
From all those little qualities I still lack
And I’ve put on a smile
Nose buried in books so I don’t have to look
At my phone
Every ten seconds to see if you replied
I’ve done what they’ve asked

I took a few deep breaths
Taking pressure off my chest
Trying to understand
Why all these words make me feel like
My spine is folded and compressed
And why I can’t seem to stop
Thinking or dreaming or even believing
In a future that I know
Is my brain’s way of deceiving
Me
But it’s hard to think better
To do
Better
Hard to wrap my mind around
Every single sigh and sound
Because every time your feet hit the ground
My heart sputters and pounds
Waiting for my eyes
To see you around the bend

It’s insane
I keep talking myself out of it
Because I know the weight’s about to hit
And I know it’ll be
Too heavy to hold, but I don’t want to fold
Because when I see those eyes
Of chestnut and gold
I find myself gasping
It’s not you
It can’t be you
But each time I lie
I suddenly find
That everything I’ve worked for
Doesn’t feel quite right

And if it’s not you
I don’t want it

In every face I’m seeking your gaze
In every conversation I’m always amazed
At how I listen for your voice
And I search for your smile
In every stranger on the street
Because I know you aren’t mine
Even though I want you to be
And I’ve wanted that from the start
It’s the same ******* story
Pouring out of my heavy broken heart
That every time I think about it
I’m tearing myself apart
Because if it’s not you
If
It’s not you

I don’t want it.

It’d be easier if I didn’t want you
More than even that
Enjoy you
It’d be easier

Easier not to care
But we don’t get to choose
Those kinds of things
And it’d be easier
To turn it off but
I can’t quite control myself with you
It’d just be easier

Because things like this
Don’t really happen to me
I’m not really the type
To be swept and caught up
Thinking the way I am now
Wondering the way I am now
Wishing even

Yeah
It’d be easier not to wish
But I can’t really help it
Seeing you
Talking to you
Laughing with you
****

You’re so deep inside my head
It’s impossible to stop it
Impossible to not think of you
To not need you in every way
How did you do that?

It’d be easier not to feel that way
More so now that I know
I was never an option in the first place
It’d be easier if that thought didn’t bother me
But **** it

I want you
In a stupid
I don’t give a **** about anything
Kind of way
More than just your touch
I want your soul
Want those eyes
And your thoughts
And every other
Stupidly perfect ******* thing about you
I want you
Your words
Your stories
Your kindness
I want your good and bad days
Your mistakes
Your successes
I want so much of this dumb **** with you
I can’t even remember why I avoided it
And that’s why it’d really
Be ******* easier if I didn’t

Because for the first time in years
Everything just seemed to click instantly
And it’s so ******* hard to ignore
Because you’re you
And ****….
You?
You’re everything.

The trees are pathways
The sky is my sea
The rain on the sill is my freedom
I am a ghost here
Though I never died
I'm a phantom of who I once was
A memory of a girl
But the rivers, lakes, and roads
The rushing sound of the ground underway
The rumble of thunder
The soft scratch of snow
Pressed under sodden boots
The heat of the sun
Wrapped warmly around my cheeks
All of these things
They're inches away
My heart sings a woeful tune for them
A longing and desperate song
The need filling me to the brim
The need to feel the salt water in my veins
The mountain air in my lungs
The soil staining my skin
To hear the earth
Living
Breathing
Consuming
To let the fires burn
And the storms rage
To watch the mighty heart of nature
Shake us to the core
When the wolves howl
I also cry out
When the wind whistles
I also start to breathe
The wild calls to me like an old friend
A love so old
Unable to be shaken
So confident
In the way it caresses my soul
I long to succumb to its embrace
To fold myself in blankets of ferns
Or blossoms
Or roots
I long to hear her whispering
To return to the girl I used to be
I yearn for the power of her presence
The vitality of her that lives in my soul
For the breath of life
That she grows at the tips of her fingers
I am her child and though I am lost
I have not forgotten
That her rivers run through me
And the water will one day
Call me home

I wish that I could be the void
The one you scream into
When you’re broken
The one you run to
When you want to be alone
I wish I could be that darkness
You want so badly to bury yourself in
The arms you want to hold you
When you don’t want solitude anymore
Sometimes I wish I was that blackness
That heavy chasm
Filled with nothing
I wish I was that place
Where you go to whisper all your secrets
The place you go the lay each burden down
I wish I was the pair of shoulders
You trusted to carry the weight
Of everything that rests with you
I wish I was that secret silent space
That corner inside your head
You never let anyone get inside
I wish you would let me
Because I’m not afraid of the dark
Nor am I afraid of the beasts it creates
I’m not afraid of pain
Or a mouth that’s quick to bite
I don’t fear scars or unhealed wounds
And I know that it’s easy
So much easier to believe
That everyone is ready and willing
To keep on running farther and farther away
But hell has reached up through the ground
Claws of flame and molten rock
Clenched around my throat
I have seen horrors that should have killed me
I’ve endured pain that threatened the same
I’ve looked into the faces of so many demons
That I’d almost forgotten what it was like
To see human eyes looking back at me instead
And there is nothing
In either heaven or hell
There is nothing on earth
Or any world beyond it
That can threaten this heart
Into forgetting how to love you
And I know it’s hard to understand
Harder still to believe
But if you could look past all the *******
And for once just look at me
Look right at me
I think you’d finally see it

It’s okay you know
That one day you’ll leave me behind
One day
You’re gonna decide to be happy
And that’s not gonna include me
It’s okay
That you’re gonna hurt me one day
That you look at me now
And you don’t see me
The way I see you
And it’s okay
That you don’t want me like that
That you need me in body
But not in soul
It’s okay that I’m just temporary
That I’m not really anything at all to you
It’s alright
It’s okay if you break me
If you try and try and try
It’s okay if you never really want me
Because that much I get
That much I understand
It’s okay if happy doesn’t include me
Because I want you to be happy anyway
And I love you enough
To let you do that
Without faulting you for never loving me too
It’s okay
To be selfish with me for a little while
Because I’d give anything
For just a little time
And it’s okay to call me
Because all I really want
Is to hear your voice
And it’s alright that it’s so one sided
It’s okay that you’ll never
Be able to give me what I give to you
Because I want to love you
Because I want to need you
Even if it doesn’t end well
I want to enjoy you while you’ll let me
Let you lie to me while you’re still willing
Just pretend you love me
Pretend for a while longer
That you want me around at all
Just keep me convinced
For even a few more minutes
That you might choose me someday
And I promise I won’t regret it
I promise the pain won’t pull me under
when you go
I’ll remember you fondly
And love you always
Even if, to you
I’m hardly a fleeting thought
So please
Because it’s really okay
If you break my heart
I just wanna believe
For a short little while
That you thought I was just enough
To love just a little

I realized something today
I don't miss you
I miss the feeling
I had with you
But I don't miss you
I don't miss your eyes
Or your poisonous tongue
I don't miss the traps you laid for me
The words you spoke to me
The way you made me feel
...
Helpless
Your love set me on fire
I was full of everything
And nothing for you
You consumed me and I thought
I thought that it was beautiful
But your love left me broken
Cracked me wide open
Displayed my feelings and emotions
Like a joke
Was I a joke to you?
You ripped me apart
Then fell into my arms
Your tears filling up the place
Where mine were supposed to go
You were sorry
You said it a hundred times
But the parts of you that were honest
Couldn't outweigh your deceit
Your guilt
Your cunning
You were such a masterful man
A protege of your kind
A well practiced manipulator
There was a kind of fascination
In the way you handled your lies
A sweetness to the way they were delivered
Your craft
Was a delicate one
And you executed it with precision
A true artist
In the way you deceived me
And oh, I was deceived
Tricked
Fooled
Played
I fell for you so rapidly
So intensely
So powerfully
That the landing crushed me
Broke every bone in my body
And ground them into dust
The impact knocked the air from me
Forcing my lungs to deflate
So quickly
That it felt like I'd never known
What breathing was
I crashed to the floor
Twisted and gnarled and shattered
I was a contorted mess
But my broken face smiled
Looking back
It was a rather gruesome smile
But I truly believed my life
Was beautiful then
How sickening to remember that
To see myself from this distance and know
Nothing was beautiful
But there you were
Cradling my fragile head
Tracing your fingers
Through the blood on my lips
And you whispered you loved me
You were there for me
You could heal me
Little did I realize
You were the one hurting me
Watching me splinter like glass
And pressing on the weakest points
An artist indeed
Watching your spiderweb bloom in me
Hungry for more
Your passion for my pain is palpable now
And it's funny
I used to think it was your passion for me

Less like sunshine
And dew drops on grass
More like thunderstorms
And the scent of lightning
You are the sharp crags
In the mountains
Rivers along the bedrock
And gushing into waterfalls
You are a tsunami
Deep valleys
Filled with lush evergreens
And the smell of pine
You’re the dry heat of desert
And the roiling waves before the storm
Your presence hit me not with softness
But with the strength of wild horses
The suddenness of a monsoon
The wariness of meeting you
Was replaced almost immediately
With intrigue
With desire
With longing
With realization
I’d been used to gentle beginnings
Accustomed to persuasions and fancy tricks
I’d been charmed by dazzling lights
And drawn in by the shimmering
Peaceful surface of a placid lake
But you
You were turbulent and loud
A deep dive into depths I’d never known
You were scorching heat
A fire burning so brightly within me
That I could no longer contain the flame
And yet, it did not control me

Your storm became my haven
The heavy crack of thunder
Became the lullaby that sang me to sleep
And your rushing rivers
Deep carved out canyons
And thick jungle vines
Became a home to me
Unlike any I’d ever dreamed
I felt a peace with you
That no gentle hand had ever fed me
A contentedness
That no dazzling light ever provided
A love
That no smile or charm
Has ever unearthed from me before

I want to call you baby
To wrap my arms around you
And call you mine
I want to sit with you
Rain pouring on a Thursday
Toes stuffed under one of your legs
And your hand at my cheek

I want to wrap myself in your warmth
Wake up on lazy mornings to your gaze
To hold your hand whenever I want it
And tug you closer to me
I want to taste you
To travel over the surface of you
Claiming every inch with my tongue
Without worry that it may never be mine

I want to fall asleep with you
Comb my fingers through your hair
And feel you relax against me
I never want us to have
Anywhere else to be
Anyone else to answer to
I want to be yours
As much as you are mine

You told me not to have expectations
And I don’t
But I want to
I want to be able to kiss you
Whenever and for however long
I want you close to me
To trust me
To hold me tighter
To want more from me
I want to laugh on top of you
My hair a curtain around us
And I want you to touch me
Like you’ve never wanted
To touch anyone quite as badly

I want to surprise you
To have the chance to be with you
To show you what it’s like
To be with me
I want to love you
Fiercely and passionately and warmly
I want to feel you
To love you deeply
To embrace you and need you
And I want you to feel the same
To look at me and think
I love you
So much that sometimes it hurts me

To think of it now,
I think that
We would’ve been happy.
To think of it now,
I think that
If we’d stayed as we were
And if we’d allowed ourselves
To keep loving
That tonight
I’d lie in the circle of your arms
Telling you the story of how we met again.
It used to be your favorite.
I’d tell you
All about how I fell in love with you
And how each day that love
Only grew stronger.
Further, I think.
I think that if you were here
Despite the distance
That has stretched between us since then
I would tell you
How I never stopped loving you
How I never even dared
I would tell you how I missed you
And how I found my lips
Curving upward at the mention of your name
And how I remembered you
So much of you, always
How I always felt a piece of me missing
In all of the days spent without you
I would tell you
The way I told so many when my heart was broken
Of your eyes
Your laugh
Your arms when you held me
The way you breathed life into me
The way you loved me.
To tell that story now,
Well
You should hear it.
You should’ve heard it that night.
How I cried and asked my mother
How
How is it that you can love someone
So completely after so many years
How is it possible
For that pain to live on so long?
She had no answer,
But I did.
It was in all of my memories of you.
The way I wrote everything down
From the moment we met
I wrote it all down.
Every glance and touch
Every joke and heartbeat
I wrote everything
Because I never wanted to forget
To lose those moments
So I wrote it all
And I spent my days thinking of you
Spent my nights dreaming of you
Spent every day wanting you
And chasing you
I loved you
From the second I met you
I was in love with you.
I was in love with your eyes the first day
When I looked up at you finally and paused
When I said
Why are you looking at me that way
And you couldn’t answer
I loved you when you grabbed my hands
And pulled me to dance with you
No one else was around
And I didn’t think jeans were all that beautiful
But I didn’t mind it with you
I loved you
When you looked at me like you couldn’t get enough
When you held me like you wanted to absorb me into your skin
When you held my hands against you
And looked into my eyes and promised me
Forever
Forever was how long you’d love me
Forever was how long you’d need me
Forever was the amount of time you’d spend
Endlessly chasing my soul
Into the darkest of nights
Forever
Was the promise I held onto
Like stardust in my fists
And I loved you
I loved you when you cried in my arms
When you needed my insight
When you were upset with me or confused
I loved you when forever was too big of a promise
When you were uncertain
Or when I was blinded by my own hurt
I still loved you
I loved you when I told you I didn’t
I loved you when I told you I did
I loved you when you breathed into me again
Only for a moment but that moment gave me hope
And purpose
And a fire struck within me at your words
And I swore to myself
Swore to the universe and whatever god lives
That I would love you for an eternity
That I would love you whether you ever returned or not
That I would love you until the sun died
The earth grew cold
And my limbs grew grey and cracked
I would love you beyond time
Beyond life
I would love you several lives over
Because loving you was not a fleeting thing
But a permanent one.
A heavy hitting
One in a million
Soul gripping
Heart shattering
Exquisite thing
It was alive and breathing
And vibrant
Loving you was color
And even my brokenness without you
Was beautiful
See
I loved you
For all of the times that were sweet
And innocent and pure and magic
But I also loved you
When everything hurt
When all was dark and pain
When I wished I didn’t
I loved you.
And I love you now.
Those moments of pain
Both trivial and monumental
I look back on them now
With fondness in my heart
Because we were so young
The two of us so overwhelmed by the love we felt
We were so young and naive then
But my god
Did I love you
And how I wish
I’d met you later
How I wish I’d known you
After knowing myself
How I wish you’d have come
After I’d discovered how to love myself first
After I realized my own worth
If only I’d known you
Later
Maybe
I would have gotten the chance
To love you
Longer

I always said if you were happy
Then I would find a way to be

You must be pretty miserable right now

I had this thought
To chase the moon
It only came
When I found you
And when I reached up
Towards the sky
The stars fell down
To carry me high

They said
Tell me your dreams
******* the moon
Tell us your secrets
And we'll sing you a tune
The song of the wind
The voice of the stars
We'll carry you away
We'll carry you far
We'll show you the mountains
The rivers and rains
We'll take you to castles
Over oceans and plains
We'll rise with the sun
As the darkness retreats
And bounce on the lily pads
Where the dew drops meet

With those stars in my eyes
While I soared on the clouds
I stretched out my arms
And sang out loud

Take me to the deepest waters I seek
Take me to the mountain peaks
Give me wings so I may fly
And kiss the heavens
And taste the sky
Show me the world
Alive and thriving in love
Give me the strength
Of the storms raging above
I want to see
Where the stars are born
Bring me to the ridges
Where snow like a blanket is worn

I want to see it all

And so we flew
Over valleys and seas
We chased the horizon
Til I could no longer breathe
We soared over cities
And glided through towns
We saw many people
Before they set me back down
And as the stars
Released my hands
I sank to my knees
As one with the land
And as I laid down
With still stars in my eyes
Every memory I made
Slowly passed by
Playing like a movie
As my chest fell still
And I could still hear the tune
Of the stars playing over the hills

Tell us your dreams
Girl from the moon
Did you chase the horizon
Did our promise stay true
With no more secrets
To pull you into the dark
You'll have your wings
When the land quiets your heart
And you'll rise with the sun
To see the world with new eyes
You'll stretch out your limbs
And race through the sky
No longer will you be
The ******* the moon
Just a spirit of love
The spirit of you

Slowly then
Do I drift away
Closing my eyes
No words left to say
And for a beat
No less and no more
All is dark
But just as I was assured
As the sun rises
So do I
And without hesitation
I take to the sky

Hi
I’m in love with you
And I know that we’re strangers now
And we didn’t get our happy ending
But
I love you
Because I still remember loving you
And the way you smiled
And the sound of your laugh
Spending every waking second together
Because we couldn’t get enough of it
I remember how you looked at me
Every time I spoke
It was like I was breathing life into you
Your eyes lit like stars at every word
And I remember dancing
Holding your hands any chance I could
I remember you pressing my frozen fingers
Firm against your skin
And kissing my forehead
You kept telling me then that it was alright
That I was safe
I fell in love with you
When you kissed me in the rain
Just because I wanted to be kissed then
When you held me through my tears
And bared your soul to me
I fell in love with you when you were patient
When you knew me better than I knew myself
And you loved me as fiercely as I loved you
I loved the way you kissed me
The way you stole moments with me
Every single opportunity feeling like the last
I loved the way you needed me
The way you let me need you
The way you brought me into your home
And you made it seem like it was so obvious
That I belonged there
Almost like I always had
Like I was your destiny
I loved that my voice mattered to you
My heart and soul mattered
That when you loved me
You loved all of me
Deeply and unconditionally and truly
And I think that’s why it hurt so bad
In the years after you left me
I knew what I had lost was real
That it was
A once in a lifetime thing
That for as powerful and consuming
As we were together
There would never be another love
That could echo that one
And I think that’s why I said it so often
In the months after I knew
You were well and truly gone
I kept telling anyone who would listen
That I would never love that way again
That I must’ve missed my chance
Or that maybe my karma in a past life
Was claiming me in this one
So that I might never reunite
With my other half
I’ve made peace with that lately
Looked at your photos
And smiled at your new successes
In the years that have passed
I’ve grown wiser and even fonder
Of the memories between us
And I’ve learned to keep my eyes present
Even as my heart lingers in the past
I’ve learned to see our story
In the mountains and waters and skies
To speak my truth
So that others who love like we did
May never have to grieve that kind of loss
And I’ve accepted my heart as it is
Still wholly loving you
No matter how much time has passed
And so there’s my final truth
The one that will die only when I am laid to rest
And it is that I love you
That I always have loved you
That I will never begin to stop loving you
And that even in the next life
My soul may aim to find you
Because yours was the love I’d read about
The one I longed and dreamed for
You were the one from the moment we met
And I know now that this truth will never change

When my eyes are closed
The world is beautiful
Suspended in the ethereal sound
Of my own mind working like
A ticking clock
There is music in here
It reminds me of a simpler time
Of green grass and the summer wind
Laughter and peaches
The sticky remains wetting my lips
Almost like a kiss
Or maybe
The kiss is what lingered there
Reminding me of the peaches instead
The first laugh
And the second
And the third
When I turn my sight from the present
I can remember clearly
Dancing in noiseless basements
Lying on the asphalt of an abandoned driveway
Entertaining the stars with our talks
Discussions of the world and our dreams
Of theories and beliefs and imaginings
I can feel the bravery
And the fear
The shivering rush of you
Making my spine quiver
Oh I remember
My heart has never raced so hard
My blood was never so warm
I experienced you less like a first love
And more like a thunderstorm
In awe and terrified all at once
I've never missed fear before
I fell in love with you
The way the angels fell from heaven
It felt like revival
Like coming home
Loving you felt like drowning
And flying all at once
The touch of your hand strengthened me
The loss of it shattered me
You were an earthquake
A beautiful disaster
The first truly lovely thing
And the last truly devastating
I loved you with urgency of a monsoon
With the power of a raging flood
With the mercy of the blooms in spring
And the honesty of fresh fallen snow
I grieved you when you left
I'd never felt a pain so sharp
A despair so intense
Mourning the loss of you
Was a darkness on my heart
An island of anxious thoughts
Endless nights and wary eyes
My cheeks were chapped and raw
Months were spent in silence
I couldn't speak your name
But I could scream it
And I did
I'd never begged before
But my god I begged for you
I bled myself dry for the stars
Hoping for a glimpse
Willing your face to appear
At the bottom of those stairs and then
It didn't
That hole was never filled
That place never taken
Thunderstorms crumbled to dust
The stars faded in the city light
And rain felt like muddy pant legs
Nothing was beautiful or true
I found solace in the arms of strangers
I became a stranger myself
In the end I found myself missing you anyway
Though the person I am doesn't know you
And the person I was is gone
My soul recognizes those eyes
And it will never let you go

You are fire and earth
You are life and breath
You are desert storms
And nebula dust
Scattered across galaxies
You are rebirth
And song
And mountains
Under blankets of moss
And willows
You are sky
And light
And the heat of the sun
You are spring and summer
An endless moon
You’re ivy blooming on lattice
You are beauty
And intensity
And oceans
And waves
You’re sweetness
And softness
And light
You’re the feather soft
Kisses of morning
The cool fresh bite
Of crisp fall air
The ache of laughter
The sighs of contentment
My god
You
Are everything
You are ink on pages
The smell of books on shelves in corners
The window seat
The ocean view
The train over borders and crossing worlds
You are wind and snow
Rock and river
You’re a map of lakes
And vines
And roots
And unmarked paths
Where barefoot prints
Mark the soft soil surface
You are a sanctuary
A vessel for worship
A harvester of love
And intention
And honesty
And you are home
A home so familiar and warm
That I must remind myself
It is real
That it is true
That you are before me
And that somehow
The universe has deemed me
Worthy to know you
It’s a fate I didn’t expect
But one I longed for
And god if it’s a dream
Do not wake me

I want to write the kind of book you recommend to people you love, the kind of book that you spend days and nights and countless hours rereading and scribbling in and folding down pages. I want the spines of these books to wither and wear with how greatly it is loved, I want the pages to smell like coffee and tears and perfume from that time you left it open in your backpack. I want my books to be cherished and studied and wondered about, to speak to generations and to mean something. I want people to know it, to quote it, to hold it dear. I want people to take inspiration from it and use it as a tool, to love better, to write again, to find their place. I want my imagery to be a home for you, to hold you in its arms and cradle you until you feel peace. I want my stories to take you on journeys you rarely want to return from, to open your mind to galaxies and souls and the eyes of the old and young, I want them to breathe life into you and help you grow. When I dream of writing, I picture café tables and mug stains on soft wood, I picture thick rimmed glasses and autumn days or summer nights. I think of floor boards and tall grasses and heavy trees with thick waxy leaves rustling with the wind. I think of faded titles, cozy back seats, and a flannel blanket that smells like camp fire and nighttime. I want to publish books that feel like those moments, that speak to people so broken they can't breathe, so happy they can't speak, or so lost that a compass couldn't show them how to look for the north star. I want to write for people with tears in their eyes or goosebumps on their skin, the ones who laugh with their whole heart, smile with their whole faces, or cry like they've never known how to do anything else. I want to strike a chord in them, to touch souls and memories and traumas, I want to find their roots, to speak to them on levels they didn't know they had, to connect and understand and teach and learn. I want to interact. I have been broken and jealous and defeated, I have been sad, and scared, and alone. I have been so happy that I could burst and so devastated that I thought I might lose myself completely. I've changed so many times and been reborn over and over, I've felt the overwhelming grace of forgiveness and the strong current of love, I've felt blind rage and justified anger, I've felt curiosity and confusion and adoration... I've felt so much for so long that I long to share it with people. I long to live and be alive for all of the moments that I wished I wasn't, I long to chase my hopes and dreams and remind those who will listen that it is never too late, that love is alive and that the world is capable... so capable. I want to inspire them to look at their hands and see greatness, to look at the sky and see brilliance, to look at their goals and see possibility. I don't want to write something that gets swept under the rug like dust or old toys, I want my words to matter to someone, to help someone, to inspire belief, or encourage conviction, commitment, or change. I want people to hear my voice and feel in their soul that they are not alone, that there is hope and there are genuine hearts in the world. I want them to see and have faith that these things exist, that good is powerful and it is not limited to one or two things but a vast ocean of things. I want my words to be a reflection of my life and I want my life to mean something, to imprint itself on those around me and be an example of how to love. I want to love so recklessly and unabashedly that it stuns you, that it makes you want to love too. I want to love and be loved with the intensity of a thousand moons over a million oceans, willing them to rise and break against the shore. I want to be unmoved and unchanged by bitterness or hatred and I want my work to reflect that, to bring that desire to life in anyone who reads it. I want to change the world one person at a time and create a time and place where people love and do good unconditionally, were they see those who need help and help them, where they remember that it's okay to be selfish sometimes and it's okay to fight for their own happiness, I want to show people that it's alright to love and enjoy anything and everything, that they should love and enjoy more, that they should share those experiences and open their hearts over and over again because to love after being broken is an indescribable feeling, a vibrating and pulsing thing that surges through you like lighting. I want people to feel that, to spark joy in each other, and to read again. I want people to read my work and be able to say that it moved them. That it did something, anything, to their heart or soul or perception, that it made them weep or laugh or show even a moment of kindness to anyone. I want to open hearts to the idea that love does not have to be reciprocated to be felt, that love is an all encompassing thing and it is okay to feel it. That the pain or worries of love can be tools of growing and learning and loving more. Love is more than romance and sweet words in the ear of someone you fancy, love is an undeniable force, a beautiful connection between us all if only we'd allow ourselves to feel it. To understand it and master it. I want that to be my message even if I never live to see it.

Beautiful
That's what I thought
When I saw her
I didn't know it then
Everything about her
Was what I wanted to be
What I wanted to love
To envelope
To keep
I didn't know it then
That she would be my rock
My uprise
And then my downfall
She was a symphony
A mess of danger and teasing smiles
She was wild hair
Fire and sunshine
Iron and cotton
She was both a goddess
And a warm bed
My solace at midnight
My birdsong in the early morning
The perfect cup of coffee
And a smooth shot of tequila
Life with her in it was artwork
An exquisite disaster
Everything I didn't deserve
She was needles and pinecones
A rough exterior guarding a gentle heart
But her arms were a comfort
Her voice a lullaby
In the static of the world
She was a bright crimson stripe
A vibrant array of color
Amidst the dull black and white
Everything I needed
And nothing I could have
I was a fool then
I can still taste the regret on my lips
Feel the longing in my bones
I can feel her when it rains
And hear her in the still of the night
The memory of her is burned into me
Like a brand
Or a scar
Or the sting of despair
I could have held on
If I'd known how vital she was
The spine of my life
The nerves
The very air I breathed
If I'd known I needed her then
Loved her
I could've had a heart as vast as the earth
A love deeper than the oceans
Passion that overtook volcanoes
I could have had her
At least for a while
But that would have been enough
If only I'd known

The wall was white
Aside from the small gray crack in it
I couldn't stop staring though
Even though the sight of it never changed
I just kept watching it
Watching the crack blur in and out of focus
Kept thinking
I don't want to forget
I don't want to be okay
In those hours when I couldn't sleep
When I watched the sun sink and rise without blinking
When I was sick with regret
And longing
And hurt
I didn't want to forget it
I knew time would heal me
Knew that everyone's words were true
And I'd someday feel acceptance
Instead of grief
But I didn't want it
I wanted the gaping wound to swallow me
To live on and plague me
To carve it's way inside of me day in and day out
I needed it
That pain was all I had left of you
The howling despair
The crippling anxiety
The dull and glassy eyes
I needed those things so badly
That the thought of losing them burned me
It made my insides roil and turn
The thought of ever being okay without you
Was a thought I couldn't bear
I needed to miss you
To loathe a life you weren't a part of
I needed to long for you
So desperately that my lungs ached
And my temples were sore
I had already lost you
I couldn't lose the pain of it too
I couldn't lose that feeling
I suppose I was afraid
Afraid that if I lost that pain
Or if I forgot you for even a single day
That I'd forget about how I loved you
I didn't know it then
That kind of memory can't be lost
That love endures even after it shouldn't
Time has healed me
Wounds have closed
The months I spent agonizing passed
The rivers I cried have emptied
But the memory of you never faded
The love I have for you never dissipated
To this day, I can still see you
Still remember you
And I've learned
That there will be a thousand white walls
There will be millions of tiny cracks in them
And I will always remember the holes you left in me
But more so I'll remember the spaces you filled
I am okay
I am the very thing that terrified me
But I have not forgotten
Mourning you still lives with me
Loving you still burns in me
And memories of you still linger

I woke up to a stranger
In my room today
She had the same eyes
Same color blue
Same shape and big
Like two full moons
But where mine were soft
Playful at the edges
Hers had hardened
And filled with a deep sorrow
That made my bones quiver
Her mouth was the same too
Not too full
But soft and pink
Still
She carried mistrust around them
In the way she kept them pursed
And pressed
Gone were the laugh lines
And in their place
Were lines of grief and bitterness
I woke up and saw her
Sitting at the edge of my bed
Looking far more tired than I
Looking far more worn
She reached out as I did
But her hands hesitated
Her eyes pinched
Her throat moved as if she was swallowing
And I felt her pain in my bones
For a split second
We were one
I felt as she felt
I saw what she'd seen
First I couldn't breathe
Hit with her crippling agony
I wondered how anyone
Could have the strength
To live with it day after day
I agonized over the pain in her heart
And then
I despaired
As I was lead through her memories
One after the other
Like an awful picture show
I realized she was me
That the person I woke up to
Wasn't a stranger at all
But a reflection of who I'd become
I saw in her eyes
The stories that hardened her
Over the years
Watched as every let down
Tore through her chest like fire
Saw as every person betrayed her
Belittled her
Ignored her
Pushed her down
And saw her drag herself up
Every single time
I watched her clean her own wounds
Picking the glass out of every shattered heart
And stitching it up
Just enough to keep going
Watched as she held herself
Tears overflowing like rivers
Lungs heaving until they were raw
I saw her smile in the face of adversity
At every single person
That she could never trust again
I watched her forgive
I watched her grieve
I watched her die.
With every memory that hit me
I saw her drag herself out of the dark
Every helping hand was her own
Every word of encouragement
Was hers alone
And not once was she met with love
I saw the closest to her
Rip her apart
I saw the ones she loved
Burn her to ashes and weep
As if they were the ones betrayed
I watched as her tormentors
Apologized
Cried
Begged
And moved on
I watched as she was beaten
Defeated
Scorched
Broken...
I watched as they ripped her spirit
From her body
Watched them spit on her memory
Bringing up hollow memories
And the things they'd miss
I watched as they said so many
Good things about her
As if she'd been the best they'd ever known
I watched them drink to her
Celebrate her life
Her wildness
Her loyalty
All the while stomping it into rubble
And making a fool of the person
They all claimed to love
And no one rescued her
No one stopped the pain
No one tried to save her
And so I also watched as the scene changed
When she no longer wanted anyone else
When she lost her trust
When she lost her fire
When she gave up
I watched her turn into a shell
And bury the people she'd yearned for
I watched her forget how to love
And simmer in her despair
I watched anger and blackness consume her
Watched rage and agony
Swell within her chest
And I watched her become her own monster

Winter came and I was alone,
Not unlike how I'd been alone before
But somehow worse.
Deeper.
I tried to reach out but
There was a part of that loneliness that called to me.
It told me it needed me.
That it could change.

I miss you
Lying awake at four in the morning
Facing each other in the darkness
When I told you I was afraid
You knew me
Together every day
When the moon was up
So were we
Sitting in your car
The windows fogging up
We were followed by red and blue lights
All the way home
But you didn't mind
You spent the night there
The card tricks
And the bad jokes
And the honesty
My God
I was more honest with you
Than anyone
I should've recognized it then
But I'm not known for that
I'm known for mistakes
And broken promises
And forgetfulness
I'm known for stubbornness
And an acute fear of apologies
You didn't care
You cared about novels
Written over text messages
Conversations about the demons
We were haunted by
You cared about knowing
Someone out there felt the way that you did
And then
Things changed
We drifted
A friendship turned into emptiness
A hollow place I couldn't fill
A nagging and pestering thing
I should've said sorry first
Should've said it period
Trusted your word when you gave it
I guess things turned out alright
But I still don't see you
Not like I used to
Don't speak to you
With the familiarity of my own self
Don't know you
Forwards and backwards the way I once did
I miss that
I miss you
I miss the basic understanding
The fundamental connection
The simple knowledge
Of eachother
You were my best friend
My confidant
My comfortable other
And now reaching out is like
Trying to grasp water
I can feel you there
But my fingers pass through every time
And I lose my hold
Stumble
Fall
Try to remember
Or forget
But all I really want
Is not to miss you

I keep seeing your eyes
Hearing your voice
Missing you is like breathing
Vital and important
Flooding through me with urgency
My God you were so beautiful
A firestorm of everything good
Even the pain was good
A deep and wicked thing
Gutting me
Pitting me
Grinding me into dust
You were my whole heart
And it's funny
How a heart never forgets
I still imagine it
What it would be like
To meet those eyes again
But they house a different person
Don't they?
You are no longer who I remember
But a new soul entirely
A different kind of man
New experiences have shaped you
New loves have tended to you
New heartaches have lived with you
You are as different from yourself
As I am to a younger me
But my heart still beats
Recognizes your essence
Folds under your gaze
I still see you
Because under all the changes
Under every new promise
Every fresh scar
Underneath every other person
Who managed to reach your heart
I can still see the marks we made
The carvings that promised forever
The etchings of our first love
Our most epic story
Our lives playing out
They still live there
In the depths of you
Under all the games you play
I still see the night
You told me you loved me
You needed me
You wanted me
I still see the tears in your eyes
And feel the way you held me
Knowing it may be the last time
I still feel it
I feel it all
And I tell myself it wouldn't matter
Tell myself I'm not sorry
Whisper the mantra
I do not love you
But that was always a lie

Traces of you still linger with me
The smell of your cologne on a stranger
The sound of your voice in your favorite song
Your eyes in the first rays of sunset
I see you everywhere
The memory used to gnaw at me
Leave me rotten and hollow
I couldn't close the wound
But there's a certain sweetness to it now
A melancholy smile
A wistful bitterness
It tastes like warm apple cider
And ice cold lemonade
Sour and sweet
Uncomfortable but somehow perfect
I miss you differently now
I miss you fondly
And the pain is a new comfort
One I never dreamed I'd feel
When first I lost you

He made me feel like I was nothing today
And it wasn't what he said
Or even really how he said it
I suppose it was a small conclusion
To a pile of things
A mountain of hurtful actions
An ocean of bitter words
This time it was only a rain drop
But I felt it like a tsunami
A never ending certainty
That I'm not good enough
And the day didn't end as it usually does
There were no apologies
Or sweet nothings
No affection or promises made
Instead their were slammed doors
And arms full of groceries
At the bottom of an empty stairwell
There were heavy sighs
And broken hearts
And I was left with a familiar
Aching loneliness
Wondering over and over again
Why is it always me

I remember how it felt to know you
In the moments I wasn’t myself
And it’s funny to think of myself
And think I escaped
Because right now
Lying in the darkness alone
I can feel that same weight on my chest
Holding me down and pushing me under
I can feel myself struggling to breathe
Just like I used to
And it feels almost like nothing has changed
Because I’m alone
Now just like I was then
And the screaming inside never stopped
The fear and the pain
The realization that I have no equal
Not even in those that relate to me most
And I’m desperately longing
Needing
Begging
And praying
For something to come along
To change my mind
To make me crave less
The late nights on pavements
Tear and rain soaked streets
Searching the sky for answers
When my chest cracks itself open
For you and every other person that passes
Because I can’t stop feeling
And I can’t feel anything
All at once
I feel like I’m going under
And I can’t stop the waves from crashing
Where is my peace
Where is the surface
All I can find are broken pieces of memories
Things that sting and stab every time
I grasp them
Please
I need a shining light
A moment of clarity
A hand to grab onto
I need to remember my own face
And leave behind the desolation that burns inside me
I need to see and be seen
I need so much
A connection unlike any other
A person on the same plane as the stars
Our eyes meeting like passing comets
I need someone to know me
To breathe into me and press a beat into my heart
Because I don’t feel it there anymore
I feel like a cage or worse
Like I AM caged
I can’t get out but I’m crying for the freedom
Falling to my knees and reaching for it
Screaming for it
I keep fighting
Every day I drag myself back up
Force the pain behind me and try again
Come on
I know it hurts
But keep fighting
I know you can’t anymore
But keep going
Don’t give up
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t let go
Not this time
It’s not too late
I know you can’t breathe
But try
Please just TRY
Don’t let yourself go under this time
Stand up
Keep standing
Hold your head up high
Even as the tears stream down your face
And don’t back down
Because we’re the closest we’ve ever been
To finding ourselves again
And if we lose it this time
We may never get it back

I keep looking at your birthday on the calendar
Wondering what you’d be like
It’s funny
I wake up some mornings and just lie still
Imagining how huge I might be already
How tired or ready I’d be
I imagine how excited or even how scared
But where you would’ve been is an emptiness.
There’s a little spot in my closet
A space up at the top
And in it is the tiniest pair of white shoes
And a stuffed plushie fox
With a face almost as cute as yours would’ve been
I don’t know why I kept them...
But I can’t leave them behind.
And there’s a book in the cabinet
It’s supposed to hold all of your first pictures in it
But all I have is one photo of a positive test
And a letter from the hospital
From the day we found out about you...
God it still hurts
It hurts so much to think about you
And to know that you’d almost be here
That I’m already so close to that moment
The one where I’d finally hold you
Finally look into your eyes
I didn’t know it could hurt so much
To miss someone you never met
But I miss you
I miss you so much that it kills me
I long for the moment we will never get to have
And it’s a struggle
Not to wonder what I did wrong
Or hate my body for betraying us both
I was so ready to do better and be better
To raise a person in love
And kindness and humility
I was so ready to be your mom
No one ever realizes how long that pain lasts
In the moment there are waves of condolences
Unsolicited advice
Hugs from people you never really knew
But months later I’m just alone
Looking in the mirror and willing myself to grow
As if my own stubborn prayers could make you exist again
As if my own thoughts could breathe life into you and make me whole again
And I wonder why
Why this had to happen to us
Why I couldn’t just be wearing stupid maternity pants
And staying away from fish and soft cheese
And I hear things like
You have to get over it eventually
It wasn’t even really a baby yet
And at least you know you can get pregnant
I hear them say at least it wasn’t that bad
At least you didn’t lose your child after they were born
As if my pain
Isn’t enough
Can’t compare
Isn’t valid
So I sit alone
Bathing in Christmas lights and well wishes
But all I can think about is that there are Two More Days
Before I was supposed to meet you.

I’m trying to hold all my pieces
Make them fit like they used to
Make them fit in the way that
Everyone says they should
But this puzzle wasn’t made right
Every time I try to force it together
The edges start to morph and tear apart
The image becomes distorted and my eyes
All I can ******* see are the same eyes
The way they looked up at our parents
Begging them to see
The way they widened with fear
Every time you spoke my name
The way they cried
Every time someone hurt me
Because your words came back to haunt me
No one will ever want you like I do
I can’t ******* stand it
With my voice shoved back down my throat
And my cries silenced by years of hatred
With my cheeks wet and burning with tears
And my chest aching with the need to scream
To shriek out all of the curses
You forced me to wish upon this world
I hate you
I hate you with the deepest part of me
I feel for you the way I wished I would never
Have to feel for anyone
I loathe you
I loathe how you shaped my sight
On a body that is MINE
You tried to tell me that it wasn’t
Tried to make me think that I had no control
But it is ******* MINE
And I hate you
Because I still clutch at my brokenness
Begging it to fix itself
Please
Just stand up
Just mend yourself again so I can breathe
So I can live
So every day doesn’t feel like
******* drowning in my head
Please
I hate you
And the venom that lingers in my blood
Because I was three years old when I realized
No doesn’t ******* mean no to everybody
I was three
I hate you
Because now I ******* hate everyone
And the anger that lives and breathes inside me
Clawing and begging for release
Is an undeniable force
A ******* hurricane in my gut
Forcing my eyelids open at night
And sending panic stricken jolts into my chest
Until I feel like my entire body might break apart
Don’t ******* touch me
Don’t speak to me
Don’t remind me that you will always be there
And nothing can take you away
Because they never believed me
Don’t ******* look at me
I hate every part of you
So much that I wish snakes could be poisonous to themselves
So that I might be able to serve you this blackness inside of me
And watch you rot the way that I have
And now I laugh
I look at your ******* face
And the wretchedness inside me makes me grin
From ear to ear I  smile
At your disgusting despicable face
Because all that I want in this moment
All that I live for
Is the idea that one day you will finally be dead
You will be gone from this earth
And the ******* nightmare
That is your existence
Will finally be over
And I will finally sleep
After years of torment and torture
After decades of having to hear your voice
For no ******* reason at all
Other than you wished to reassert your dominance
I will finally ******* breathe
And it could only be made sweeter
By the faintest idea that it would be me
Putting you in the ground
I hate you for that wish
For that fantasy
For the fact that I fancy myself a monster
Because instead of curling up
Shaking and paralyzed with the fear you tore into me
I used that fire to raise a demon of my own
And while you spent your days
Carving your curses into my skin
She bathed in fountains of bloodlust and spite
And now that she has been born
She is ******* hungry