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Paige Feb 27
You are fire and earth
You are life and breath
You are desert storms
And nebula dust
Scattered across galaxies
You are rebirth
And song
And mountains
Under blankets of moss
And willows
You are sky
And light
And the heat of the sun
You are spring and summer
An endless moon
You’re ivy blooming on lattice
You are beauty
And intensity
And oceans
And waves
You’re sweetness
And softness
And light
You’re the feather soft
Kisses of morning
The cool fresh bite
Of crisp fall air
The ache of laughter
The sighs of contentment
My god
You
Are everything
You are ink on pages
The smell of books on shelves in corners
The window seat
The ocean view
The train over borders and crossing worlds
You are wind and snow
Rock and river
You’re a map of lakes
And vines
And roots
And unmarked paths
Where barefoot prints
Mark the soft soil surface
You are a sanctuary
A vessel for worship
A harvester of love
And intention
And honesty
And you are home
A home so familiar and warm
That I must remind myself
It is real
That it is true
That you are before me
And that somehow
The universe has deemed me
Worthy to know you
It’s a fate I didn’t expect
But one I longed for
And god if it’s a dream
Do not wake me
Paige Feb 10
To love tastes like sweetness
Fresh strawberries
And few drops on skin
It feels like grassy green hills
Starry night skies
And murmured words
Carried across state lines
Letters bundled in brown string
Lavender stems
And wax buttons
To love looks like her eyes
Mountains and earth and life
It looks like sunflowers
And bonfires
And nervous car rides
Sometimes I close my eyes
And her voice is there
At the back of my mind
Her laughter playing over and over
And I think to myself
This
This is what it feels like
But tongues these days
Were made to be held
And I’ve made it a hobby
To keep to myself
And the moments I steal
Between thought and dreaming
I spend realizing that many could do
So much better than this
But love looks a lot
Like who she is to me
Whether it’s not the right time
Or it may never be
And despite my desire
To face the world on my own
The sound of her voice
Never leaves me alone
And I find myself in bed
Lying awake through the night
Smiling at her humor
And thinking she might
Think of me too
And I don’t know why it happened
Why I can’t erase her from my mind
But I find I don’t want to
That I couldn’t if I tried
That every second of her presence
Every moment in time
I spend craving more of her
Always more of her
Paige Jan 19
To think of it now,
I think that
We would’ve been happy.
To think of it now,
I think that
If we’d stayed as we were
And if we’d allowed ourselves
To keep loving
That tonight
I’d lie in the circle of your arms
Telling you the story of how we met again.
It used to be your favorite.
I’d tell you
All about how I fell in love with you
And how each day that love
Only grew stronger.
Further, I think.
I think that if you were here
Despite the distance
That has stretched between us since then
I would tell you
How I never stopped loving you
How I never even dared
I would tell you how I missed you
And how I found my lips
Curving upward at the mention of your name
And how I remembered you
So much of you, always
How I always felt a piece of me missing
In all of the days spent without you
I would tell you
The way I told so many when my heart was broken
Of your eyes
Your laugh
Your arms when you held me
The way you breathed life into me
The way you loved me.
To tell that story now,
Well
You should hear it.
You should’ve heard it that night.
How I cried and asked my mother
How
How is it that you can love someone
So completely after so many years
How is it possible
For that pain to live on so long?
She had no answer,
But I did.
It was in all of my memories of you.
The way I wrote everything down
From the moment we met
I wrote it all down.
Every glance and touch
Every joke and heartbeat
I wrote everything
Because I never wanted to forget
To lose those moments
So I wrote it all
And I spent my days thinking of you
Spent my nights dreaming of you
Spent every day wanting you
And chasing you
I loved you
From the second I met you
I was in love with you.
I was in love with your eyes the first day
When I looked up at you finally and paused
When I said
Why are you looking at me that way
And you couldn’t answer
I loved you when you grabbed my hands
And pulled me to dance with you
No one else was around
And I didn’t think jeans were all that beautiful
But I didn’t mind it with you
I loved you
When you looked at me like you couldn’t get enough
When you held me like you wanted to absorb me into your skin
When you held my hands against you
And looked into my eyes and promised me
Forever
Forever was how long you’d love me
Forever was how long you’d need me
Forever was the amount of time you’d spend
Endlessly chasing my soul
Into the darkest of nights
Forever
Was the promise I held onto
Like stardust in my fists
And I loved you
I loved you when you cried in my arms
When you needed my insight
When you were upset with me or confused
I loved you when forever was too big of a promise
When you were uncertain
Or when I was blinded by my own hurt
I still loved you
I loved you when I told you I didn’t
I loved you when I told you I did
I loved you when you breathed into me again
Only for a moment but that moment gave me hope
And purpose
And a fire struck within me at your words
And I swore to myself
Swore to the universe and whatever god lives
That I would love you for an eternity
That I would love you whether you ever returned or not
That I would love you until the sun died
The earth grew cold
And my limbs grew grey and cracked
I would love you beyond time
Beyond life
I would love you several lives over
Because loving you was not a fleeting thing
But a permanent one.
A heavy hitting
One in a million
Soul gripping
Heart shattering
Exquisite thing
It was alive and breathing
And vibrant
Loving you was color
And even my brokenness without you
Was beautiful
See
I loved you
For all of the times that were sweet
And innocent and pure and magic
But I also loved you
When everything hurt
When all was dark and pain
When I wished I didn’t
I loved you.
And I love you now.
Those moments of pain
Both trivial and monumental
I look back on them now
With fondness in my heart
Because we were so young
The two of us so overwhelmed by the love we felt
We were so young and naive then
But my god
Did I love you
And how I wish
I’d met you later
How I wish I’d known you
After knowing myself
How I wish you’d have come
After I’d discovered how to love myself first
After I realized my own worth
If only I’d known you
Later
Maybe
I would have gotten the chance
To love you
Longer
Paige Oct 2020
I remember how it felt to know you
In the moments I wasn’t myself
And it’s funny to think of myself
And think I escaped
Because right now
Lying in the darkness alone
I can feel that same weight on my chest
Holding me down and pushing me under
I can feel myself struggling to breathe
Just like I used to
And it feels almost like nothing has changed
Because I’m alone
Now just like I was then
And the screaming inside never stopped
The fear and the pain
The realization that I have no equal
Not even in those that relate to me most
And I’m desperately longing
Needing
Begging
And praying
For something to come along
To change my mind
To make me crave less
The late nights on pavements
Tear and rain soaked streets
Searching the sky for answers
When my chest cracks itself open
For you and every other person that passes
Because I can’t stop feeling
And I can’t feel anything
All at once
I feel like I’m going under
And I can’t stop the waves from crashing
Where is my peace
Where is the surface
All I can find are broken pieces of memories
Things that sting and stab every time
I grasp them
Please
I need a shining light
A moment of clarity
A hand to grab onto
I need to remember my own face
And leave behind the desolation that burns inside me
I need to see and be seen
I need so much
A connection unlike any other
A person on the same plane as the stars
Our eyes meeting like passing comets
I need someone to know me
To breathe into me and press a beat into my heart
Because I don’t feel it there anymore
I feel like a cage or worse
Like I AM caged
I can’t get out but I’m crying for the freedom
Falling to my knees and reaching for it
Screaming for it
I keep fighting
Every day I drag myself back up
Force the pain behind me and try again
Come on
I know it hurts
But keep fighting
I know you can’t anymore
But keep going
Don’t give up
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t let go
Not this time
It’s not too late
I know you can’t breathe
But try
Please just TRY
Don’t let yourself go under this time
Stand up
Keep standing
Hold your head up high
Even as the tears stream down your face
And don’t back down
Because we’re the closest we’ve ever been
To finding ourselves again
And if we lose it this time
We may never get it back
Paige Oct 2020
I’m trying to hold all my pieces
Make them fit like they used to
Make them fit in the way that
Everyone says they should
But this puzzle wasn’t made right
Every time I try to force it together
The edges start to morph and tear apart
The image becomes distorted and my eyes
All I can ******* see are the same eyes
The way they looked up at our parents
Begging them to see
The way they widened with fear
Every time you spoke my name
The way they cried
Every time someone hurt me
Because your words came back to haunt me
No one will ever want you like I do
I can’t ******* stand it
With my voice shoved back down my throat
And my cries silenced by years of hatred
With my cheeks wet and burning with tears
And my chest aching with the need to scream
To shriek out all of the curses
You forced me to wish upon this world
I hate you
I hate you with the deepest part of me
I feel for you the way I wished I would never
Have to feel for anyone
I loathe you
I loathe how you shaped my sight
On a body that is MINE
You tried to tell me that it wasn’t
Tried to make me think that I had no control
But it is ******* MINE
And I hate you
Because I still clutch at my brokenness
Begging it to fix itself
Please
Just stand up
Just mend yourself again so I can breathe
So I can live
So every day doesn’t feel like
******* drowning in my head
Please
I hate you
And the venom that lingers in my blood
Because I was three years old when I realized
No doesn’t ******* mean no to everybody
I was three
I hate you
Because now I ******* hate everyone
And the anger that lives and breathes inside me
Clawing and begging for release
Is an undeniable force
A ******* hurricane in my gut
Forcing my eyelids open at night
And sending panic stricken jolts into my chest
Until I feel like my entire body might break apart
Don’t ******* touch me
Don’t speak to me
Don’t remind me that you will always be there
And nothing can take you away
Because they never believed me
Don’t ******* look at me
I hate every part of you
So much that I wish snakes could be poisonous to themselves
So that I might be able to serve you this blackness inside of me
And watch you rot the way that I have
And now I laugh
I look at your ******* face
And the wretchedness inside me makes me grin
From ear to ear I  smile
At your disgusting despicable face
Because all that I want in this moment
All that I live for
Is the idea that one day you will finally be dead
You will be gone from this earth
And the ******* nightmare
That is your existence
Will finally be over
And I will finally sleep
After years of torment and torture
After decades of having to hear your voice
For no ******* reason at all
Other than you wished to reassert your dominance
I will finally ******* breathe
And it could only be made sweeter
By the faintest idea that it would be me
Putting you in the ground
I hate you for that wish
For that fantasy
For the fact that I fancy myself a monster
Because instead of curling up
Shaking and paralyzed with the fear you tore into me
I used that fire to raise a demon of my own
And while you spent your days
Carving your curses into my skin
She bathed in fountains of bloodlust and spite
And now that she has been born
She is ******* hungry
Trigger Warning - abuse survivors
Paige Dec 2019
I keep looking at your birthday on the calendar
Wondering what you’d be like
It’s funny
I wake up some mornings and just lie still
Imagining how huge I might be already
How tired or ready I’d be
I imagine how excited or even how scared
But where you would’ve been is an emptiness.
There’s a little spot in my closet
A space up at the top
And in it is the tiniest pair of white shoes
And a stuffed plushie fox
With a face almost as cute as yours would’ve been
I don’t know why I kept them...
But I can’t leave them behind.
And there’s a book in the cabinet
It’s supposed to hold all of your first pictures in it
But all I have is one photo of a positive test
And a letter from the hospital
From the day we found out about you...
God it still hurts
It hurts so much to think about you
And to know that you’d almost be here
That I’m already so close to that moment
The one where I’d finally hold you
Finally look into your eyes
I didn’t know it could hurt so much
To miss someone you never met
But I miss you
I miss you so much that it kills me
I long for the moment we will never get to have
And it’s a struggle
Not to wonder what I did wrong
Or hate my body for betraying us both
I was so ready to do better and be better
To raise a person in love
And kindness and humility
I was so ready to be your mom
No one ever realizes how long that pain lasts
In the moment there are waves of condolences
Unsolicited advice
Hugs from people you never really knew
But months later I’m just alone
Looking in the mirror and willing myself to grow
As if my own stubborn prayers could make you exist again
As if my own thoughts could breathe life into you and make me whole again
And I wonder why
Why this had to happen to us
Why I couldn’t just be wearing stupid maternity pants
And staying away from fish and soft cheese
And I hear things like
You have to get over it eventually
It wasn’t even really a baby yet
And at least you know you can get pregnant
I hear them say at least it wasn’t that bad
At least you didn’t lose your child after they were born
As if my pain
Isn’t enough
Can’t compare
Isn’t valid
So I sit alone
Bathing in Christmas lights and well wishes
But all I can think about is that there are Two More Days
Before I was supposed to meet you.
Paige Aug 2019
I want to write the kind of book you recommend to people you love, the kind of book that you spend days and nights and countless hours rereading and scribbling in and folding down pages. I want the spines of these books to wither and wear with how greatly it is loved, I want the pages to smell like coffee and tears and perfume from that time you left it open in your backpack. I want my books to be cherished and studied and wondered about, to speak to generations and to mean something. I want people to know it, to quote it, to hold it dear. I want people to take inspiration from it and use it as a tool, to love better, to write again, to find their place. I want my imagery to be a home for you, to hold you in its arms and cradle you until you feel peace. I want my stories to take you on journeys you rarely want to return from, to open your mind to galaxies and souls and the eyes of the old and young, I want them to breathe life into you and help you grow. When I dream of writing, I picture café tables and mug stains on soft wood, I picture thick rimmed glasses and autumn days or summer nights. I think of floor boards and tall grasses and heavy trees with thick waxy leaves rustling with the wind. I think of faded titles, cozy back seats, and a flannel blanket that smells like camp fire and nighttime. I want to publish books that feel like those moments, that speak to people so broken they can't breathe, so happy they can't speak, or so lost that a compass couldn't show them how to look for the north star. I want to write for people with tears in their eyes or goosebumps on their skin, the ones who laugh with their whole heart, smile with their whole faces, or cry like they've never known how to do anything else. I want to strike a chord in them, to touch souls and memories and traumas, I want to find their roots, to speak to them on levels they didn't know they had, to connect and understand and teach and learn. I want to interact. I have been broken and jealous and defeated, I have been sad, and scared, and alone. I have been so happy that I could burst and so devastated that I thought I might lose myself completely. I've changed so many times and been reborn over and over, I've felt the overwhelming grace of forgiveness and the strong current of love, I've felt blind rage and justified anger, I've felt curiosity and confusion and adoration... I've felt so much for so long that I long to share it with people. I long to live and be alive for all of the moments that I wished I wasn't, I long to chase my hopes and dreams and remind those who will listen that it is never too late, that love is alive and that the world is capable... so capable. I want to inspire them to look at their hands and see greatness, to look at the sky and see brilliance, to look at their goals and see possibility. I don't want to write something that gets swept under the rug like dust or old toys, I want my words to matter to someone, to help someone, to inspire belief, or encourage conviction, commitment, or change. I want people to hear my voice and feel in their soul that they are not alone, that there is hope and there are genuine hearts in the world. I want them to see and have faith that these things exist, that good is powerful and it is not limited to one or two things but a vast ocean of things. I want my words to be a reflection of my life and I want my life to mean something, to imprint itself on those around me and be an example of how to love. I want to love so recklessly and unabashedly that it stuns you, that it makes you want to love too. I want to love and be loved with the intensity of a thousand moons over a million oceans, willing them to rise and break against the shore. I want to be unmoved and unchanged by bitterness or hatred and I want my work to reflect that, to bring that desire to life in anyone who reads it. I want to change the world one person at a time and create a time and place where people love and do good unconditionally, were they see those who need help and help them, where they remember that it's okay to be selfish sometimes and it's okay to fight for their own happiness, I want to show people that it's alright to love and enjoy anything and everything, that they should love and enjoy more, that they should share those experiences and open their hearts over and over again because to love after being broken is an indescribable feeling, a vibrating and pulsing thing that surges through you like lighting. I want people to feel that, to spark joy in each other, and to read again. I want people to read my work and be able to say that it moved them. That it did something, anything, to their heart or soul or perception, that it made them weep or laugh or show even a moment of kindness to anyone. I want to open hearts to the idea that love does not have to be reciprocated to be felt, that love is an all encompassing thing and it is okay to feel it. That the pain or worries of love can be tools of growing and learning and loving more. Love is more than romance and sweet words in the ear of someone you fancy, love is an undeniable force, a beautiful connection between us all if only we'd allow ourselves to feel it. To understand it and master it. I want that to be my message even if I never live to see it.
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