You are self aware that love is your way of saving a life.

Remember the ex who was suicidal
Then the one with father issues
The one with loneliness the size of the sky
The one with a thousand scars on his arm
That one who was an introvert
The one who was an addict
The one who had depression for breakfast
And the one who loved self harm

Who saves you when realize you don't know how to love?
All that was empathy
All that was sympathy

All these boys you wished to save
But never did
All these boys you wished to save
But left in the end
All these boys you wished to save
But killed instead.

"I never learned how to un-love people"
I told you on a lazy afternoon.
A yellow curtain changing the shades of the room that was blue
From lilac to green to the colors of the drops of dew.

"i cannot love you if you still love him"
You told me with a change in your tone

"but love can come in so many shapes! I could leave but still care although!"

Now the room Is still blue
And lilac
  And green
   But empty.

    I am six months into something new
      But i still never learned
        How to ever un-love
         Every heart that i one day knew.

For I was tought of men to be
Uncaring,not the same as we
They do not listen when we speak
They'll love to boss you all around
And have u worship at their feat
They'll tell you how to dress and talk, and maybe also how to breath
Details are none of their concerns
The kind of makeup that you wear
The color that you dye your hair
The necklace that you bought today
How you just hate that ***** called may !

You made me doubt that i was wrong..
But then again so wrong was i
Its you who are too heavenly
To know how earthly men would be!

Too many times
Had i searched for homes
Inside some strangers' collarbones

Too many times
Had i been rejected
evicted
traumatized

Too many times had i apologized
To my body
for being cruel.
as I'd found my words poor
so instead made it pour

out my crimson red life.

Let me submerge you
   In love
      And loss
         And all that is in between

This is when i write my best poems

When there is
So much
Inside
Messed
Tangled
Intertwined
Unraveled
Kept aside
Forgotten
Brought back
Rememberd
Ignored
You Decide
Undecide
And then one hundred words fall into a piece of paper like drops of rain hurling from the sky.

You can not expect it
You may not understand it
But you
Feel

Feel the moment
It collides
With your soul
Finds a home
In your ribs
It's a trauma
In disguise.

Beautiful women are everywhere.
Beautiful souls are found rather rare.
I may be none.i may be both.
I may be a third type that I chose.
All that you need,to make your judgement fair
Is to know I'm a women
who in need will be there.

I love you
You hurt me
  I hate you
   I miss you
     I kiss you
      I love you.
I hurt you
You hate me
  You miss me
   You kiss me
     You love me
       You hurt me
         I hate you
          I miss you
           I kiss you
            I love you.
I hurt you
You hate me
  You miss me
   You kiss me
    You love me
      You hurt me
        I hate you
         I miss you
          I kiss you
           I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Remember my scent
Remember my touch
Remember how it felt.

Remember it all,
Now put it in a box
Now close it tight
Now Keep it in a place with enough light
A place you can see,
But can't reach.

It will always be there
Unopened
Unreached
Untouched
But there.

It will not reach you
Will not touch you
But there.

It is
But is not.

Keep it,
At a distance
Of three feet.
Don't delete it
-one doesn't delete the past-
But don't inhale it
It will ***** your head
make you mess the facts.

Three feet
Away
Until the three feet could be two
And one
And zero
Without a heart that aches.

Until it's just box
In a place with enough light
That you can see
But don't wish
To reach.

"i love you"
Is at the tip of my tongue
Every time you make me laugh

You make me laugh
Every 6 seconds.

"i wish i could kiss you"
Is at the edge of my mind
Every time you look me in the eye

You look me in the eye
Every 4 seconds

"i will melt or burn or die"
Is at the bottom of my heart
Every time
You're touch pumbs in mine

You're touch pumbs in mine
Every 2 seconds

____________

"I'm happy we're friends again"
   Is all what falls
    From my lips
     Every time that my heart skips

  My heart skips
   In an infinite way
    Through the infinite 1 hour
      That you're here with me.

Apperantly.. Nobody is who they seem to be.
The loving, protective boyfriend.. Is not actually protective
The ******* with the worst reputation is the sweetest, most insecure person
The girl who throws stones in her words is in fact as tender and fragile as a flower
That friend that thanked you so much for being there, is a fucken psychopath that want to ruin you
Your bestfriend for years would choose her new boyfriend over you
The friends you met a few months ago would choose you over their family
The group that brought you in with all the density of love, but turned out to be using you.
That mother, that disturbed her child in the mind
That father, that ***** his daughter
That innocent seeming child... who molested you
That boy you swore was only your friend..
But loved
That same boy who swore it too but loved you back.
What a world to be alive in!
What a life you have had?
Where Apperantly.. Nobody is who they seem to be.

I carry the compassion of the whole earth
Inside the landscapes
Of my tiny, fist-sized heart
But each time i cut a tree
To build a bridge
From ridge to ridge
I loose a little bit of life
Then each time a bridge falls
I wonder
was the blood shed
worth it all.

Every boy i have ever loved
Broke something.

One broke my heart
One broke my chasity
The next broke my *****
Then broke my sanity
The last broke my trust
Broke my serenity
My faith
And my gullibility

then here comes you
Asking for a chance
To prove you would break nothing

I am no longer gullible
So I don't belive that

But i do not learn from the past
I erase it
When i fall asleep

It's okay
Stay
until you're no longer
It's okay
Stay
.

Do not wish for me so much
In your prayers.
I will be the biggest nothing
That you've touched.

I get attached to people for breakfast;
           i get my heart broken for dinner

You're a blue whale
You can not fly
I'm a blue bird
I live in the sky
You say we can not meet
Can not love
Till we die

But there is a line
That collides the sea with the sky
A line very fine
Yet divine
A thin surface

Too close to air for whales to find you
Too close to sea for birds to find me
Keep this our secret
Love me
On the edges
Of our two worlds

Love me through the storm
Love me when the seas are angry
Love me when the winds blow
Love me when the ships are sinking
And the buildings fall
Even if the storms bring death
You and i know
They are the time our worlds combine
Every one will run and hide
Hold me
Hold me tight
Everything will be Allright.

You love me
With the intensity
Of a Tornado

Bite my lips

When it hits me
It breaks up
All my signals
All my raders

Grab my hair

I am stranded
S O S
3 long-3 short
Mayday Mayday

Nothing finds me.

Pull my waist

I have landed on your shores
Burned my boats
Threw my resources in the storm
Let nobody come and save me

Kiss my neck

I may wake and want to go
But where to?
This shore is where ends my world
These seas are where stops my pulse
If i try to leave you're home
It's the day

Spread my legs

I try to die.

What's going on in that messed up, damaged, beautiful mind
In a warm afternoon, you let me inside
I caught a glimpse
Of thousand suns collide
The colors of 7 skies and a black hole combined
A painting, Divine
I gazed
The next moment, you shut the blinds!

How very godlike
To give a taste
Then retreat
Unaccountable for a crime
Of blinding one's reception.
From ugly, to beautiful, to ugly, to devoid.
The latter, the most crucial.
Like stabbing me blind
Who gave you the right?

I weep
For icarus had fallen and surely will i
Your suns seep in my heart
They leave traces
A sun is fire,
Need i explane how the traces mark?

I am a human
Cursed with longing and hoping and hating and spite
Cursed with hurting and fearing but loving despite
Cursed with wanting to orbit as one of your suns
Or burning as speks of your ashes as i try

Every night
I stare at a particular star
It's light isn't steady
It rather flickers.

I asked a friend
He said it meant
That It's been dead For years
And years
And no one even knows
No one notices
As long as it still sends it's light
Over the hundreds of millions of miles.

I asked myself
Why he never noticed
How it's been a while
Since i started to flicker.

Truth is
I would have rather stayed
in my childish haze of believe
in a hidden goodness inside the devil's heart
Than swallow this poison wrenching my throat
every time your name passes by.

Why did everybody have to tell me every truth they knew?

I would have rather held on to my favorite quote
"to live life with no regrets"
But here i am... Swallowing my first.

I swallow it and it hits a crack in my heart
A tremble in my pupils
A grey shadow on my soul
The one they call "growing up"

I understand there are no super heroes
There are no secret powers underneath
If you are good you are good
And if you are bad
You are
bad.

I love you every spring
You hold me in the summer
Then break me in the winter
I wither in the Autumn

Then love you in the spring.

Go along
Skip into a new lover's song
Just acknowledge,
What i tell you From experience...
You will always love me more
...
That's how deep we've bit into each other's bones.

1 year, 3 months, 9 days gone
I am now a vague description of what my life should have been
Though i hide it with excel
When i walk my limb can tell

Just how deep we've bit into each other's bones

You were
My worst fall

Yet now
On my
Worst days
I would miss you

How do you share a bed with someone
Share your breakfast with someone
Share your thoughts with someone
Share your laughs and tears and dreams and past and fears

Then meet them someday
On a side walk
And "stranger-small talk"

How do you hide all of that in your pocket
How do you shove it down your throat
How don't you hug them and cry your lungs out.

How did i do that
Just last night.