I think about him sometimes
Most times
A lot of the time
I try not to
I don’t know why i even do
I should stop
Can i stop
I wish i didn’t exist or maybe he shouldn’t?
Maybe we should’ve never met
This daunting feeling that we’re supposed to be- will it ever leave me?
It’s been 6-7 idk anymore
how many ******* years will it take?
I may have opened up a never ending spiral
Can you see it?
Looping me back to him again and again
I forget most of the times
I know that when I’m thinking of him
hes thinking of me, i just.... know it.
There’s no doubt in my mind.
I want to write to him forever, i just don’t know how without it being “weird”.
Please i just want him to tell me how he feels, just this... one .... last.... time.

You left again and my head is fuzzy
Like you wond me up on a string and slung my body towards the ground only for me to come snapping back up to you numerous more times
Once the string finally wore and I plummeted to the ground
I may have suffered brain injury during my fall
I'm lost again, I'm telling you I'm lost
I'll try to find myself in 7:00 am coffee trips alone
In midnight writings where I can not connect the dots
I'll find myself again in books I've read before and the smell of incense burning in my room,
While reading old poems I've written about past lovers
I'll find myself in fall, when the weather kisses my skin just like he did
I need to remember the things I loved before him
I can't put my love into him anymore
I mean how do you grow flowers in a sinking hole
When There is no stable ground
no acceptance to grow
Just one after another being ****** in, disappearing to the bottomless depths of the inner layer of the earths center.

November 26, 2014
I got out of bed that morning
Drank my daily cup of coffee
Went out with the boy I was seeing at the time
I'm surprised I even got out of bed that day
104 pounds to weak to walk around
We went to the park after three cups of Waffle House coffee
I was shaking more than an earth quake shakes the trees
Ring Ring
It's my father calling
"Sarah I need you to come home right now"
Me thinking oh illl just wait another 15 minutes it's no big deal
"Yes sir, be there soon"
I press my shaking hands against the door **** and open it
I could actually FEEL it in the room
I could feel the heart break smothering my entire body
I could feel the damp tears making the room humid and unbearable
"Your mother has killed herself, Sarah."
You expect
A weeping Howl
A fall hard to the ground breaking bones and your heart
A gasp for your breath but only to ingulf water and drown
A a painful scream that pierces the ears of you neighbors
But no I just stood there
Unable to move
Unable to feel
That's the day I knew I was broken for good. Some expensive China plate busted into 27 different pieces and you lost number 9
November 26, 2014 I broke

***** paws
Mud scorn
Hearts wrenched by faces who brought memories surfaced
pushed back into your head
So far they shouldn't be called memories anymore
Sorrowful songs
Clenched teeth
Lungs collapsed by impecable dreams
Words spoken in ways they only make sense in a state of sleep
Imaginary hands grasp round your throat  
Legs without bones
Sink down to the kitchen floor
Eyes dry from staring into the past trying to understand what you could've done
Should've done
To change the unchangeable events

It's like I was left with nothing but a body to walk around with, to speak words with no meaning, to paint emotions onto canvases because I can only draw them out, not feel them.

I used to play a game where I'd try to see how much blood I could fill into one of my dads whiskey glasses, I never managed to fill it as much as I wanted to
I'm just always playing games, it gives meaning to my life somehow.

Sometimes I like to play with death
Death plays back quite well
More than others do in my life
Possibly I'm in lust with the thought of dying

I've always wanted to fall off a cliff
So maybe I could see if it felt the same as falling in love with him
And maybe now, how it felt to hit the rocks at the bottom to compare to the pain when he left

I've always wanted to shatter a mirror with my fists so I could feel how broken my mom felt before she died maybe the difference of impact would be like falling from a 5 story hotel and splatting on the ground

I kinda hoped after I took all those pills that day that I didn't come back from it
Death played a fair game
And so did the doctors
They all followed every rule, but me.

My father never really seemed to play much,
just handing me off to the next player at the soonest opportunity he got. Like the object of the game was to avoid my problems

My sister got out of the game a long time ago, she's just no longer a piece anymore
I scratched her out from the handbook so she wouldn't get hurt by the outcomes of playing

My mom always told me if I played the game right and I'd get what I wanted

I don't know anymore
I think I'm tired of playing

I'm with drawling from Coke
And you
My heart has knives stabbing through it from every possible angle somewhat resembling multiple isosceles triangles
My body shakes at-7 degrees fahrenheit
My stomach has a feeling like cockroaches and worms are crawling around, playing tennis in my intestines.
I think that sleep deprivation is what has caused me to dream about you while I'm awake
I vomited up blue emotions along with green bile because I haven't eaten in three days
I'm SORRY I blacked out and opened my wrist to a gaping cut
I guess that all the blood was meant to full force me back to reality
The Reality that your gone
I promise I want to live but it's hard when all it has been doing is raining inside my brain
I bite my finger nails and spit out anxiety
I need help before I shrink down into what he made me feel

We're kissing in cars
We must be Five feet away in public places
Stop it!
You can't make eye contact
They will know you love each other
Flirt with that boy Infront of him  
Go home
Now cry, cry , cry , cry
***** at 12:00 am
Try to go to sleep
Cut at 3:00 am
Stop NOW
Stare at the ceiling
Or the blood dripping
Cigarette at 5:00 am
I don't want to love you
7:00 am get ready for school
get out of bed
get dressed, brush hair
brush teeth
Drive yourself to school
D.Q: how do you stop loving someone?

He asked me
if I could feel the pulling of the moon
Like I was the ocean
Standing Infront of him
I replied,
you are the moon
And I am the waves

Why be scared of something so simple as loving the person you love

I get shot with two worded responses that shatter my bones
I'm a mess on the inside
Bullet wounds are visible aren't they???????
I cant see the entree wounds but God ****** I can feel pieces of my ribs puncturing my lungs
I heave up blood, and gasp for air
I can tell from the look in your eyes you are losing your light
Were cracked and bruised
I keep putting super glue in the cracks to try to hold us together for the time being
But it isn't the same as it was before? Is it?
It's like we're trying to read our story out of a book
And shoving certain pages down each other's throats
Suffocating lullabies
I want it this way and you want it that way
It's like putting ketchup in milk
A never ending battle of trying to love the other right but never succeeding
A reversed fairytale

It's been three months since
And maybe it'll take thirteen to get over me hurting you so bad
I punish myself on a daily basis
Shoving knives into my rib cage
Trying to reach my heart so I can feel how you felt when I broke you down
I'm beginning to think I lost my heart a long time ago
And I was using yours for the time being to feel some sort of love again
And while doing that I tore you apart
How could I ever forgive myself for what I've done to you
I want to ***** at the thought of my hand on your face
Because I know I wasn't touching you gently
I was forcing a hard blow to your soft cheek
Where I should have been planting a kiss
You loved when you should have hated
But You deserve the best things in the world
And I deserve to be lit on fire from head to toe with guilt

Do you count the cracks in your teeth
After the bomb goes off in your mouth
After his lips collide with yours
Do you know that every time he touches you
He leaves pieces of himself behind
Underneath your skin
Causing wounds to form because his words are
Corroding
Do you talk words that flow like the wind
That fall from your mouth like rain
A thunderstorm of ways to describe his hand on the back of your neck
A explosive end

I've listened to every voicemail you left me over 100 times each
I've written them all down on individual pages
Word for word
Because some how I think that will keep you around for a little bit longer
and I don't know why I keep puncturing my ear drums
With the sound of your voice on constant replay
But honestly I'd rather go deaf
So maybe I'll be forced to let go of what's already gone

You've taught me alot, but the most important thing you had to teach me
was that when i am drowning
no one is going to be there to save me
to pull me to surface air
I must save myself
my lungs will eventually fill with the water which is keeping me under
and while my lungs fill,
I'll drown in my own damp misery
as you sit and you watch
with a grin on your face
you do not reach a  hand out
you sit still, you take in my every ****, squirm, gasp for air
as i feel my body Giving out
i'll build the strength
which you have given me
by sitting, watching me drown
I'll surface my own body
I'll breath my own air
For I have learned to live without you dear

I could feel the tension
I could feel he no longer wanted me
I knew when he looked at me and his eyes were looking through glass
I shattered in this moment
And I knew by the stale way he would say I love you
It sounded flat and so my heart became brittle
And I knew by how his hand would tremble against my skin
Stand off-ish hands, my skin is scarred
I knew then he no longer wanted me
I could feel the slow slipping, away.

I'm taking these pills to feel something more than what I am
I feel ******* Alive, drowning in pure bliss
Is this why they call it ecstasy?
Morphed bodies and connected souls
You can feel the music running through your blood vessels
Flowing through every Artery and *****
I can feel his hand grabbing at my heart
And ripping it from beneath my rib cage  
He's holding my heart in his left hand
And a blunt in the right
I'm scared but I'll just hit the blunt.

I'm a broken branch, bent and scratched
And yes I WANTED to love him
But a branch bent can not be fixed
And a sense of love morphed
can not either
and you see now why WANTED is the key word.

You found me awake but asleep on the bathroom floor.
Strung out.
Blood filling the tub with bright red.
The sinks over flowing causing an ocean to form
From head to toe.
I was breathing just fine sunken under
Because my brain has already deteriorated to nothing.
And my bones are like chalk.
Write a sentence about
why the willow tree looked so sad.
You said that it's hard to keep your head up in a constant down pour, which I didn't understand until now.
And Sometimes I wonder if your touch is merely my Imagination pulling a facade on me.
But when I look down there's a hand print that screams your name in my face.
Screams words of false hope that I know already.
I'll fold myself into a square.
Place this figure in a box unknown and burry it 6 feet under.
A place to hide away from the rain.

The re-echoes of words you once said bounce around my body from bone to bone, trying to find a place to escape
And The chattering sound of your words rattling around inside me
keep me up at night and I can hear people talk about the pushing on my ribcage
they can see the words imprinted onto my skin and they won't shut up with their constant conversation
about the time you told me you loved me
And the words rip through my skin like the arrows stabbing into the props you practice with
hit or miss but you hit me Everytime And now that I think about it I was only one of your props to throw out after awhile

Unquenchable vitality
Coming off as cold
Certain detaining gestures I've made
Push you away
You recite the words I've heard before
Over and over
"You're a heartless soul"
But this myopia is dark
If I can't see you far, how do I bring light to you.
Like the Light that flashes on the delicate curve of stars I can not touch
The re - echoes of sounds deep down
And through my scowled flushed face
Maybe you'll understand how being heartless is only a protection for me

YOUR MIND IS LOCKED AND I CANT FIND THE ******* KEY
IS IT STORED AWAY IN A SECRET PLACE
OR IS THE KEY IN YOUR HEART OF STONE
UNLOCK IT AND LET ME IN THE DEPTHS
WHERE COB WEBS HAVE FORMED
AND THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW WERE EVEN THERE
AND LIKE TORNADOS BRING TREES TO THE GROUND AND UNHIDDEN STORYS ILL STORM YOUR MIND AND RESURFACE YOUR SECRETS
ILL SLIP MY WAY BETWEEN EVERY CRACK AND CREVES
BUT KNOW THAT ILL LEAVE PIECES OF MYSELF BEHIND
NEW SECRETS UNTOLD TO THE PUBLIC PEOPLE
THINGS YOULL NEVER FORGET
LIKE THE WAY YOU TOUCH MY FACE
AND KISS MY LIPS
AND THE SOFTNESS OF MY BREATHE ON YOUR NECK

Hips like knives
That can cut like heartbreak

Sorry for smelling like cigarette smoke and for starring at you all the time
for laughing too loud and for shaking so much
Sorry For shooting my gaze to the floor when you tell me words that weren't made for people like me.

I'm stuffing needles down my throat
So that maybe I can release the pressure that's been building up inside of me
Maybe One might ***** the source of my sorrows allowing me to be free of the ******* weight thats wrapped around my ankles, I can't move
But the needles are carving into my esophagus
Words of a pessimist
I can't breathe
Maybe I can calm the demons dancing around with a pill or a potion
But the smoke you blow in my face feads the forgotten souls
Resurfaces the things I tried to force out of my mind so hard  that they embedded into the under lying layer of my skin
I keep thinking that maybe a blade could do the trick
A price to pay for the way I act
A punishment or maybe it's an attachment
Who knows I can't ever quite it
Like smoking cigarette after cigarette
I turn my lungs black and my wrists red
Can I ever look back
Without wanting to hack myself into pieces?

If I spoke to you That i still love you
Would my words sink into your skull
Or would they dissipate into the air?

Love felt like ripping apart your lungs and then trying to breathe.
Love felt like Smashing a glass bottle then trying to piece it back together.
Love felt like Being on so many uppers you'd have heart palpitations.
(Love felt like a night that you know the stars are out but there's too many clouds) (C.M.)
Love felt like A gust of wind knocking you to the ground.
(Love felt like finding comfort in a casket)
(Love felt like building a house with Popsicle sticks and glue instead of cement and bricks because he was afraid of commitment) (S.F.)
Love felt like Being punched in the stomach as you hunch over afterwards.
Love felt like Fainting at a sight.
Love felt like climbing into the comfort of your bed after the longest day of your life. (AG)
Love felt like Feathers running across my skin.
Love felt like Flower petals kissing my lips.
Love felt like Hammers knocking at my head.
Love felt like Cutting down a tree and then yelling at it to grow back.
Love felt like The consumption of alcohol.
Love felt like The first sip of coffee in the morning.
Love felt like Chain smoking cigarettes.
Love felt like The way he kissed me while I was still in a slumber
Love felt like Flowers in a field on a sunny day
Love felt like How my mother hugged me everyday before I went to school although I could smell the alcohol on her breathe
Love felt like Music
Love felt like The tears running town my cheeks
Love felt like His name running through my mind again again again again
Love felt like An invincible smile
Love felt like The way his eyes set sight on mine
Love felt like A new beginning
Love felt like Finishing a book you couldn't put down for three whole days
Love felt like Him Making me his world  
Love felt like puncturing my ear drums because I kept playing the voicemail you left me over and over
Love felt like Many sensations
Love felt like Love

you're a hopeless romantic and he's a realist
you think he's the one, he has to be "the one"
while he's thinking ill find another like my last lover
but you're stuck on him
                                          
                                                  him

         ­                                                          him
                        
                                                                ­                    forever him.

Darkness swarms around your
god forsaken lifeless body
The demons come out to play
Rattling your mind
Scratching at your soul
Tearing at your heart


Overthinking comes about
In the early night
The demons are here to stay
Sitting in your mind
Deteriorating your soul
Killing your heart

                                                
4:00 a.m.
bags under your eyes
The demons rest
Leaving your mind
Crawling from your soul
Dancing out your heart


for what a great job they have done
by Leaving you weak and numb

lines over lapping lines
like my train of thought
I mull over the same things
contemplating exactly what I did wrong
and how I  can change the things I did
but you see my memories and thoughts
are not exactly the same as over lapping lines
because you can erase a line
you cant erase your memoires from your mind
and sometimes it feels as if I'm dragging a 50 pound weight
like its wrapped around my legs
so running after you can not be an option for me to choose
I'm weighed down by 50 pounds
of guilt and self hatred
and like lines over lapping lines
ill always come back to the same questions
but trust me I'm trying to pry this weight from myself
but its merely impossible
so ill give up the chase and allow these
lines to overlap

limb from limb you tore me apart because you knew id let you
id let you hold my hand in order for you to get close enough
to rip my arms off so that I could never touch your skin again.
as we lay, legs intertwined
I fall for you again and you take my legs so that
I am unable to walk to you
I spilled my heart out to you and my mind
so with that you stole my love and all my secrets
you had every piece of me in your captive
and I know you wont come back to return them so maybe that's why I cant build the strength to stand up
or to trust another human with my heart
so ill lay on my bathroom floor
shedding tears merely because
that's the only thing you have left me able to do

I want to explore
but not the kind that
comes to mind (hiking, mountains, and wilderness)
I want a different adventure
I wish to navigate myself to the depths of your mind
I long to understand your thoughts
and how you think
I want to know if you are scared of death
or if you're afraid of what life will throw at you
I want to know the things that make you weak in the knees
even if the mention of them make you collapse
because I will hold you when you fall
I want to know what makes your stomach turn
and your heart pound
You are what I wish to explore

Do you know what its like to watch a man die?
to watch the blood spill from his head
like when you turn the faucet on to wash your hands
before you go to eat dinner
Do you know what its like to helplessly watch a man die?
as he is gasping for breath
while you breathe in fresh air
unable to share
Do you know what its like to wait for the police to arrive?
how deafening, terrifying that wait is
its like when someone tells you news that's so devastating you don't even think to cry you're just stuck in a transfix

They say you feel sympathy for others when you do not understand
but this was so much more than sympathy
more than the fact that I was beyond devastated
I feel as if I should have been that man
and I felt guilty that all I could do was scream and sit there with him
while I felt his soul leave his body

Do you know what its like to watch a man die?
because I do.

see Its easIer for us to WrIte down what were feelIng
or what's consuming our thoughts
then to stutter over mIscommunIcatIon
of words
and lIstenIng
we wrIte the thIngs down
we gIve or don't gIve these words to the
person they were wrItten down for
Its just what us WrIters do

she looks so normal
beauty
covering up the sadness
alike
the makeup on her face

it covers,
so in that her beauty
a simple smile
makes this girl look so normal

but you must see
before you make an assumption

now crawl,
crawl in her mind
walk around
see, you'll be devastated of what
you come across

you must not
do not show that
you are close
she will push you out of her mind
never to let you in again

but in the end doesn't it all end in
a tragedy
love
"friendship"

either get close or leave
you have no other option
you cant just linger onto her
LEAVE OR STAY
leave or stay after you've crawled around in her mind and figured out the deepest darkest things of this girl.







                                                    ­                                           now make your chioce

I think I am going insane.
the definition of insanity
in·san·i·ty
/inˈsanədē/
noun
insanity:
the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness
now madness
it is simply a synonym of insanity
and insane is an adjective, which is describing my state
and using it in the form of a noun, would be insanity
'"diagnostic of insanity"
how does any of this make sense
what has brought me to be in a state of insanity
I mull over it
I always come to the conclusion
it is simply life

You were never perfect
But you tried
Until you couldn't try
Anymore

You were a good mother
But you lost your will
To go
On

You were full of beauty
Until your eyes
Began to sink
In

You were slowly dying, from the inside out.
You couldn't handle the pain.
You were engulfed with guilt.
And I imagine you laying on the bathroom floor, staring at the walls as they cave in on you.
Trying to grab you so you hurry
You take the bottle in your hand
And swallow down every pill
You slowly drift off to wonderland

You were wonderful
But you were
Sick

Your mind wasn't in the right place
It never had been
And I knew that

So why now am I feeling guilty
I couldn't have changed your mind
You wanted to die
So you did.


Die.

i've forgotten your
scent, and soon
enough, i will forget
the way you made me feel when you
Kissed me
And how you would run your fingers down my arms ever so gently
I'll forget the way you told me I was your little piece of perfection
And the subtle way you would say "I love you"    
I'll soon forget everything
for you,
have already
forgotten me.

I imagine her to be laying in a bed of sun flowers
Or walking gracefully through a field of tall grass
While the Suns setting
She's sitting under a willow tree
Smiling at me
her hazel green eyes glisten with the Suns reflection
I imagine her in this place
A happy place
So that this does not strike the match in my heart
And reignite the pain

Dazed, mind filled with xanax dust.
I'm questioning who I am
When I look in the mirror I do not see myself
I see a stranger
With bags under her sunken in eyes
And her eyes, they look sad
Lifeless, dead
And her body
Her body's ugly, fat, disgusting
Covered with marks, scars, burns.
But as I look at this person in the mirror
I am over came with the urge
To hurt her, to feed her pills and potions
Because some how I think I am her
I am the sad girl in the mirror with the cuts down her arms
and the bags under her eyes
I just don't want to believe it
Believe I've wasted away
To xanax dust and cuts.

The snow is so gentle
The way it falls from the sky
As it hits the ground
Ever so silently
The bitter cold touch as it lands upon my skin
Is exactly how it felt to be touched by you
And along with that the snow is filled with many beauties
Just as you are
But your touch is similar to the snow, as it kisses my lips
All I feel is bitter cold
And that kind of cold I feel
when you touch me
can't be described to its full effect
It leaves me frozen
Unable to move, unable to speak
I can't breathe
I'm numb.

You and the clouds have a lot in common
so,
The tenuous cloud in the distance reminds me of you
Faint, nothingness.
You and the clouds are similar
I can see them but I'll never touch them
I'll never get close enough to the sky
To feel, exactly how amazing they are.