I think about him sometimes
A lot of the time
I try not to
I don’t know why i even do
I should stop
Can i stop
I wish i didn’t exist or maybe he shouldn’t?
Maybe we should’ve never met
This daunting feeling that we’re supposed to be- will it ever leave me?
It’s been 6-7 idk anymore
how many ******* years will it take?
I may have opened up a never ending spiral
Can you see it?
Looping me back to him again and again
I forget most of the times
I know that when I’m thinking of him
hes thinking of me, i just.... know it.
There’s no doubt in my mind.
I want to write to him forever, i just don’t know how without it being “weird”.
Please i just want him to tell me how he feels, just this... one .... last.... time.
You left again and my head is fuzzy
Like you wond me up on a string and slung my body towards the ground only for me to come snapping back up to you numerous more times
Once the string finally wore and I plummeted to the ground
I may have suffered brain injury during my fall
I'm lost again, I'm telling you I'm lost
I'll try to find myself in 7:00 am coffee trips alone
In midnight writings where I can not connect the dots
I'll find myself again in books I've read before and the smell of incense burning in my room,
While reading old poems I've written about past lovers
I'll find myself in fall, when the weather kisses my skin just like he did
I need to remember the things I loved before him
I can't put my love into him anymore
I mean how do you grow flowers in a sinking hole
When There is no stable ground
no acceptance to grow
Just one after another being ****** in, disappearing to the bottomless depths of the inner layer of the earths center.
November 26, 2014
I got out of bed that morning
Drank my daily cup of coffee
Went out with the boy I was seeing at the time
I'm surprised I even got out of bed that day
104 pounds to weak to walk around
We went to the park after three cups of Waffle House coffee
I was shaking more than an earth quake shakes the trees
It's my father calling
"Sarah I need you to come home right now"
Me thinking oh illl just wait another 15 minutes it's no big deal
"Yes sir, be there soon"
I press my shaking hands against the door **** and open it
I could actually FEEL it in the room
I could feel the heart break smothering my entire body
I could feel the damp tears making the room humid and unbearable
"Your mother has killed herself, Sarah."
A weeping Howl
A fall hard to the ground breaking bones and your heart
A gasp for your breath but only to ingulf water and drown
A a painful scream that pierces the ears of you neighbors
But no I just stood there
Unable to move
Unable to feel
That's the day I knew I was broken for good. Some expensive China plate busted into 27 different pieces and you lost number 9
November 26, 2014 I broke
Hearts wrenched by faces who brought memories surfaced
pushed back into your head
So far they shouldn't be called memories anymore
Lungs collapsed by impecable dreams
Words spoken in ways they only make sense in a state of sleep
Imaginary hands grasp round your throat
Legs without bones
Sink down to the kitchen floor
Eyes dry from staring into the past trying to understand what you could've done
To change the unchangeable events
It's like I was left with nothing but a body to walk around with, to speak words with no meaning, to paint emotions onto canvases because I can only draw them out, not feel them.
I used to play a game where I'd try to see how much blood I could fill into one of my dads whiskey glasses, I never managed to fill it as much as I wanted to
I'm just always playing games, it gives meaning to my life somehow.
Sometimes I like to play with death
Death plays back quite well
More than others do in my life
Possibly I'm in lust with the thought of dying
I've always wanted to fall off a cliff
So maybe I could see if it felt the same as falling in love with him
And maybe now, how it felt to hit the rocks at the bottom to compare to the pain when he left
I've always wanted to shatter a mirror with my fists so I could feel how broken my mom felt before she died maybe the difference of impact would be like falling from a 5 story hotel and splatting on the ground
I kinda hoped after I took all those pills that day that I didn't come back from it
Death played a fair game
And so did the doctors
They all followed every rule, but me.
My father never really seemed to play much,
just handing me off to the next player at the soonest opportunity he got. Like the object of the game was to avoid my problems
My sister got out of the game a long time ago, she's just no longer a piece anymore
I scratched her out from the handbook so she wouldn't get hurt by the outcomes of playing
My mom always told me if I played the game right and I'd get what I wanted
I don't know anymore
I think I'm tired of playing
He told his family I was his friend. I didn't get the title girlfriend anymore in his eyes. To everyone I still introduce him as my boyfriend, the love of my life. Yeah, that's him. He's the one. But to him, I'm the friend. Not the love of his life, no not anymore. I was a month ago, now? Now I'm just her. I'm just the girl pondering over thoughts in my head every time I try to go to sleep just wondering when he will take me back. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, I didn't do anything wrong except not be perfect. I am not a perfect person, I make mistakes and I let people down. But never, I mean never, did I let him down. I was his shoulder to cry on when he talked about his father. When he talked about how sad he used to be. I was there, I was always constantly there. And then he dissapeared. He left without saying goodbye. Yes he still talked to me everyday but he wasn't him anymore he was the guy who broke my heart. And now he will forever be the guy who broke my heart a thousand times in a thousand ways. He looks at me like I still put the stars in his ******* sky he still kisses me like I'm the only girl he will ever kiss. But maybe that's just the way I see it because I want it so badly to be real. It's been a month, a month since the day he broke my heart. I still run whenever he says to come. He has me wrapped around his pinky and I'm holding on for dear life, while he's the puppet master and I'm the puppet on strings.