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4.0k · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I was 17 when it happened
I trusten them
It was going well
Until it wasn't
And a fun day with a friend became a nightmare
They invited me over
To play on their xbox and watch tv
But watching tv became perverse
Their hand drifted towards me
And became an uninvited guest that I never wanted
It all went too fast, too unknwn too wrong
I became a stranger in my own skin
No longer aware of what was happening
Like a passenger on a ride
Watching my own body a few feet away
It was suffocating the corruption of what he did to me
Years later i still remember his body on top of mine
And the smell of sweat is still **** in my nose
And i try to distract myself from the uncontrollable shaking that i can't stop
But all I can think about is his hands on my throat
And the fear that still lingers today.
Till this day i have never spoken of this
But today I have immortalised the day that I wish to forget.
im sorry im so so sorry
2.6k · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I often imagine that the moon, the owls and the darkness of the night might be my closest friends, they are my trusted companions through the few highs and the many lows. They comfort me when it's 3am and the rest of the world seems like they are sleeping soundly.

They’ve been witness to my tears and plees for this to all stop and comforted me when the four walls of this bedroom felt like a cage. The moon seems so distant yet its warmth kisses my cheek. Someday I might be able to force my body to ignore the protection of the darkness and live in the light of the sun. But I am manufactured to die slowly to the darkness and this body is like an incomplete metaphor for the disease that lives in my head without paying rent eating up all the light.
emily Oct 2022
You and I made promises
We made the effort to talk to each other
We understood each other
Even if there were so many words unsaid between us
For example:
I was completely and utterly in love with you,
If i could i would have married you long time ago
I trusted you with all my demons and pain
You felt so much like home, so safe and warm.
But i'll never be able to tell you them now
Yet your still on my mind
And I'm still thinking about the time when I was yours.
But our conversations became shorter and shorter until nothing
And now I might never tell you all the words I kept unsaid
2.1k · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
One of the hardest things I've gone through is having to say goodbye to someone who had already left themselves. When one gives up but the other still is undoubtedly and wholeheartedly still in love with the other. But a goodbye greets the empty space doomed as the heartfelt words are absent from their ears. Their gone but the memory still remains deep down unable to be heaved up
1.5k · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I take my prescribed pills with an energy drink
Monster energy if your wondering
And it's always the zero-sugar version
Because the sugar will rot my teeth.
I’m constantly on the verge of healing and destroying myself
Like a seesaw that's perfectly balanced
I am fed up with breaking my hand
And then bandaging it up myself.
I am my own executioner and doctor all in one body
The healing in the midst my own self destruction
I am the silence before an explosion
The calm before the storm.
maybe i'm just sensitive
1.5k · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
After all the dust has settled I often ask myself why wasn't I enough for you to stay.

Why wasn't it enough for an explanation of you leaving without a week's notice, and now all i feel is used and discarded.

Like it was somehow my fault for your silent resignation and how I wasn't even worth a goodbye.
guess i'll never know
1.4k · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I keep my love like a dog on a leash
Always at heel, no more than 6 inches away from me.
I don't know whether i keep it love close to me for protection
Or because i'm scared to be alone.
because i'm scared to be alone
emily Sep 2022
I sometimes wonder why you were often too afraid to meet my eyes when we were in public.

Were my clothes too scruffy and did I look too unkempt to be associated with you?

Was it because I get too carried away when I talk and my emotions light up my face as if they cannot be contained.

Maybe because I tried to hold you tight and keep you safe.  

Even though I would love to sit down by your side and ask all the questions I have bottled up, I understand that I may never see you again.
i understand that I may not get any closure from them so the words that iwright are my goodbyes
986 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
Like an uninvited guest I have stitched myself to you.
You never wanted my presence but here I am regardless
I am a friend you never wanted
But i have attached my self to you like a wild beast
Ripping and tearing at your skin below the surface.
The control I have over you weighs on your chest  
My claws dig into your lungs, slowly suffocating you.
I manipulate your memories and thoughts into my design
My creation,
My desire.
I feed off your fatigue and ruin all the good times that you never had
I build a barrier between you and the rest of the world
I lock you up and throw away the key
“Your in my head, you can't hurt me” I hear you cry out
Nevertheless I have concocted a potion that will send you spirelling
Locking you into the pit of overwhelming fear and self hating sadness
I am your worst nightmare and your closest friend
I am your anxiety.
985 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
You touched my soul
The intimate of all intimates
And burned away all the sorrow
As well as the pain and misery.
All emotions that ate away my delight of life
Were replaced with the foundation of you
It was like seeing in colour for the first time
And feeling the wind run its fingers through my whole body
It invaded my whole self
As you enlightened all that I was.
950 · Jul 2021
Drunk on a person
emily Jul 2021
I look back and find my memories are bittersweet. Our conversations still whisper to me in the middle of the night keeping me awake.
I still remember a party that we both went to and I still remember a friend of mine begging me to not get drunk and warning me of the dangers that it could bring. I made them a promise and I kept it. I never touched any alcohol.
Yet seeing your face and that smile that you gave me when I entered a room made my head spin and my words slurred.
I realised at that moment that I no longer needed a drink I only needed to be next to you that night as I was getting drunk on a person
942 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
Healing alone through all the pain that my heart has been broken from is probably one of the most difficult things I have survived so far.
890 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I have lost so much of myself because I have believed that I was and would always be the second choice.

Who was to tell me that my mind thought wrong or that my thinking was like drinking poison and expecting it not to slowly **** me.

Friends, family and even myself have given me proof that I am not even a choice to begin with.
845 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I pick up my pen
Like it's an anchor to the living
Oh to be a fool in love with death
-how i fight my battles
764 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
What should I write today?
I have too many throughs,
Too many emotions I wish to share.
I am a broken pieces of moments that i long to relive
I have created myself from all the dreams I have yet to become.
In this room I try to write anything other than my heartbreak
But all I can think about is how my memories have been tainted by your disappearance.
I am a graveyard filled with the loss of people I once loved.
I am an unfinished sentence because I refuse to give up on other people that have already left.
My plees echo in the valley of my soul never to be answered.
I hunger for words that express my need for release.
I crave to finish the unfinished sentence of my life.
I demand to piece myself back together so I may become complete.
732 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I'll admit i've broken a few mirrors
I've opened a couple of umbrellas indoors
I've walked under a few ladder
And i've never responded to a chain letter
The luck calculator of my life tells me i'm *******
I have all the bad luck a person could get
So how surprised i was when I fell for you
Your short hair and blue eyes hidden behind glasses
But then all my good luck ran out
And all was lost.
But i have one last question for lady luck:
Why does karma and girls love to bite me?
683 · Sep 2022
emily Sep 2022
Reasons we don't work

She doesn't like dogs, only cats, not even the small cute fuzzy ones. I mean, I don't like holding a fur ball that can fit comfortably in one hand.

Our favourite music tastes speak different languages, and although I have them on my playlist just for her to catch like an easter egg. I don't understand French and yet I add them for her

She reminds me of a sweet strawberry mid summer all red and juicy and I am an overcooked pepper all wrinkled and burnet along the edges

Their name is like the green of the ocean in clean water. It reminds me of a holiday that I have yet to come back home from.

On my desk is a rubix cube that is half finished. I have one face solved and two rows completed but I cannot go any further because I have yet to memorise the algorithm and I can't find a website that shows me what to do. It it uncompleted yet it taunts me with its bright colours

She paints, she wants to become a graphic designer. Her work is modern and stylish, all clean edges and smooth lines. My artwork is rough and scratchy like mad men painting their troubles and always on paper.

Loving them was like ignoring the cars as I crossed the road without looking both ways and expecting not to get hit.

They are clean and dress well all colour coordinated with long frilly dresses. I dress like I'm going on a cold run with gym leggings and a jumper that I got from my work, i'm ready for anything.

I treat love like my first tequila shot that my taste buds are unwilling to accept. It is a foreign gift that I have yet to declare in the airport of my heart.

My love is like postcards that haven't got the stamp on so close to being sent yet without them they are ineligible to be delivered.

Love is like renting a house that I only recognise as I'm driving out of the driveway, love is looking back to the home that I will always leave.

Loving her was the act of keeping a secret, love was hidden for her an adventure of how long we could keep the game going until their parents found out. Their love was how quickly they could separate their stitched hands from mine when her mother walked into the room.

Her love was public until she entered the privacy of her own home.

I want a front porch love that kisses goodbye at the end of the evening filled with the breath of an open atmosphere. Her love was a closed door with nothing but a goodbye only later to text me a kiss.

Although she was a puzzle piece in my life she didn't fit in the section of my heart even though I tried every single combination she wasn't the right fit. Like the rubix cube that i have yet to finish I won't give up trying to make her fit into my life.

I have yet to find a moment in my day where she is not walking beside me in my imaginations, like an unwelcome guest I have yet to ask her to leave.
these are some of the reasons we don't work
680 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
It's cliche but she’s wears her heart on her sleeve
It's visible for all to see
She’s aware of the risks
Regardless she wears it like a pageant sash for all to see.

But over the years her heart has seen pain
Bit by bit people have come in and out of her life
And signing their name on the anatomy of her heart
In sloppy handwriting with permanent ink.

And one by one her heart became more broken
She started wearing longer sleeves
Covering up her vulnerability of her passion
So maybe one day she won't fall for someone again.
663 · Sep 2023
emily Sep 2023
I wonder what it's like for anyone who doesn't resort to self destructive behavior to see the fresh cuts and the scars that are still there from years ago.
661 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I took my first breath
The moment my emotions bled into words.
All the trama I kept bottled up
Slowly became smaller than they once were.
Slowly healing from all the damage that I had breathed in
Every letter is a stitch that is sewing me up
but the scars still remain
648 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I am often told that i give up too quickly
But the answer is I never fully give in to begin with
I keep my admiration locked away like a precious jewel
All my love is just unsent postcards I keep in a packed suitcase.
I am afraid to give in to my heart
Because what if my heart is lying to me?
What if my heart is playing a cruel trick on me?
What if the nervous beating of my heart is just the roller coaster I have yet to leave.
558 · Feb 2021
emily Feb 2021
Perhaps I was born to self-destruct,
In loving what I cannot have,
For falling in love with a bittersweet dream.
A dream only half received.
You skipped over love and gave me hate instead.
The thought of you brings up a conversation,
That I am not yet ready to share.
No matter how hard I try,
I still find your presence etched onto my soul.
The memories of you still send shivers down my spine,
And the thought of your touch still wakes me up in hot sweats.
Your the cork still stuck in my throat,
Or the words and memories still too buried,
Unable to claw its way back up.
This was meant to be about still loving someone who doesn't love you and trying to make it a little happy, but my mind went somewhere else.
emily Jul 2023
Hey, its me um. This is going to be the last time that i call you. I’ve tried to call you so many times and there’s just no response and I feel like the more that I push you to tell me why you left the more you're disappearing. So I figured I’d just leave a voicemail this one last time.

I think the reason why I'm trying so hard to get you to give me an answer it's just because I felt happy with you. And now I don't, I feel miserable.

Recently I realised you were never the reason I was happy. I just allowed myself to be happy with you. And I know now that I don't need you to answer me to get closure. And i think it's time for me to discover how to be happy alone and I actually have you to thank for leaving me so that i can discover that

So thank you for the good times and uh yeah, i guess this is goodbye uh yeah
to be honest i'm actually glad you didnt pick up
505 · Feb 2023
emily Feb 2023
I'm afraid to start writing again. I buried my soul in a casket expecting the demons to leave me alone but they never did, so I’ll write regardless of calming the storm behind my eyes. I’ll unearth the casket and fight this battle once again.
472 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
We are taught as children that
Whatever doesn't **** us makes us stronger
But my body is unable to forget
That I am more victim than I am survivor.
I have yet to learn how to turn my pain into strength
However you didn't **** me
And my strength is shown in staying awake shaking and crying
As I am unable to stop reliving the past.
My body carries you from place to place  
Like a fever that i cannot break
You are relentless
You are the unforgiving shadow that i cannot cut off.
emily Jul 2021
When I was younger my mother would tell you that I was a quiet child.
I kept my words inside my head and spent my time in my head
as I slowly build an imaginary world that I still spend time in today.
It's been years since these worlds were created yet I still hold on to them.
They comfort me as I navigate the world that my body lives in.
The 'real' world locks away the wonder of living
And silences my imagination
The 'real' worlds music sounds hollow and damp compared to the perfect drift of freedom in my own imagination.
Who knows maybe they are real.
439 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I didn't realise that my childhood was wrong
Until I left the cage of my 4 walled bedroom.
I thought all my emotions were wrong and invalid
Always apologising
Sorry I shut the door to my bedroom,
Sorry I woke up too late,
Sorry i haven't clean my room in forever,
Sorry I left food on my plate,
Sorry i haven't showed emotions in a while
Sorry I answered when i should have stayed quiet,
Sorry I questioned your authority.  
I'm sorry I kept forgetting that I'm lucky to even be here.
This room a luxury
This bed a luxury
This food a luxury
A roof over my head a luxury
People that care for me are a luxury.
What a luxury to be afraid in this home
371 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I am not who I was
My mind and my body that were once separated
Are finally, finally stitching themselves together
It will take time and a lot of silk
But I will put in the effort
To become whole again
emily Oct 2022
Always wear comfortable shoes
2. Always have a comfortable mattress
3. Go to the toilet when you have a choice
4. Always butter your toast into the corners
5. Remember to dance, always
6. 2 ears 1 mouth use them in that ratio
7. Happy wife, happy life
8. Opportunities of a lifetime only last for the lifetime of that opportunity
9. Only know how to have good days
10. Never let go of your friends hand
11. The best things of of live is on the other side of fear
emily Sep 2022
I used to write. Now I barely can hold a pen or type on a computer for more than a minute. Not because I've fallen out of love with writing but because I've fallen out of love with you that inspired me to write. My love for you died when you thought of me as a second choice. My heart no longer had such a symphony on repeat when you leave without the gift of closure.

Your presence became my home and our conversations became the sonnet that I would forever be captivated by. Your guidance became the white flag in my unforgiving battle. Our hearts beat as one, for a time. And then you left and my world became cold and bland no longer in color but in grayscale where I fought to survive but ultimately lost to the void of heartache.
I don't know when the last time I wrote something was but its been awhile, i've wanted to get back into writing but its been difficult as all motivation to do so has been lost.
275 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
It's not a tick box exercise that can be done in a day, it will be long and relentless. It's learning to hold your tongue when your body screams to have a say in the matter, LORD forgive me. It is learning to die to yourself through all the guilt and temptation of modern life, LORD forgive me. It's learning to surrender to the inclinations of your natural life and bring them to the LORD.

Trying to ignore the voices inside my head is like trying to ignore the pain from a candle when my hand is held over the flame and sometimes I just can't. Living by faith is hard work, not wanting to live to satisfy the body is hard work. Wanting to live by faith isn't the same as being ‘good’, and I'm still trying to learn and remember that.
emily Oct 2022
The shape of your name
Is the colour when the sky goes red.
The red thats mixed with purple
All vast and towering over all that I can see.

Your name feels like the rain after a drought
in the middle of the night.
The rain feel like cold freedom to my ears
As the atoms of blue pulse on my skin

Your name tastes a cold smoothie
Your sweet kiss meets my lips
As the taste pours down
Into the pit of my stomach
To be savoured piece by piece

You name follows me all around
Your name is the bird's favourite song
The crickets hum your name ecstatically
It’s my favourite sound all smooth and safe

Your name smells like green apples
And the smell of dust after rain
You follow me everywhere in my clothes
The smell of home that is unmistakable
238 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I sit on the front porch of my naivety. I am too young to be this broken, my heart weeps from all my past days, but please I beg you don't misunderstand my words for an invitation to my apology. The door to my naive love has been left open by your departure and yet I cannot bring myself to close it behind you. I am frozen in a pit of empty numbness, I didn't expect you to leave your luggage of emotional damage at my feet. I only have space for my own luggage, this house built for one will collapse under the weight of your intrusion.
237 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
For me it was enough
Being able to breath in the same room
Sharing our presence
Was enough for me to cling to life.
Being the moth in your flame
Dancing through the pain
Burning in your sheer beauty was enough.
emily Jul 2021
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry my body wasn't enough to make you stay.
I'm sorry that I loved you before I learnt to love myself,
I'm sorry that I fantasised about your eyes meeting mine.
I'm sorry that I loved you too hard,
I'm sorry.
But most of all I'm sorry that I gave you my heat without caring for what would happen to it.
You broke me and yet I still apologise for what you did.
162 · Feb 2023
emily Feb 2023
It’s getting bad again
The numbness
The emptiness
The complete and utter exhaustion
It’s back
148 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I'm never going to pretend
That I am more foolish and idiotic
Than I already am
So someone else will be more relaxed
And at ease with my intellect and company.
I also won’t laugh at a joke
Just to make my company more agreeable
Or dress the way others want me to wear
I will show my intelligence
Like a family jewel
And my humour like a native language
My cloths will exhibit my unwillingness to fit in.
147 · Dec 2022
emily Dec 2022
This is the year of going back to the start
The year of healing the inner child that grew up too quickly.
I'll go right to the beginning
To where it all started.
When I started to bury all that i feel
I'll tell the child being passed around that one day she’ll have a forever home
That their parents did love her
It just wasn't safe for her to stay there
A one room house was not a fairytale dream.
Those scars one day she’ll wear like armour,
Those memories will fade like waking up from a half finished dream,
She’ll stop flinching,
Stop stuttering,
She’ll begin to love
Begin to see the world in colour.
She’ll start to rise
And She’ll start to heal
144 · Feb 2023
emily Feb 2023
It was a normal day,
And then you arrived.
And now all i can think about
Its drowning in that lake that i failed to do a year ago,
Or the quick motion of a blade on my skin,
Or even the sizzling of a cigarette on my skin.
I am slipping back into old habits of controlling my pain
All because i saw you,
136 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
Why do you do that?
Why do you forgive me so easily?
Why do you give me another chance to mess things up again?
i don't deserve it
127 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
I am a collection of all my worst days
All wrapped up neatly for the next to open
Like pass the parcel people have ripped away layers of me
And pinned it on their wall for their collection, their victory.
But my prize does not define me.
My prize inside is not your conquest, your victory lap.
It was never yours to begin with,
And I'm still trying to remember that.
i am not what happened to me
104 · Oct 2022
emily Oct 2022
Oh dear, my love it looks like you've stumbled across my work
My words, my thoughts all about you.
Some are kind and some are full of pain.
I know you wont like some of them or even all
But there about you
And how I slowly learned how to heal
Healed from how you made me feel so fulfilled
But then eventually how I felt so used.
So then my love, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for sharing my words, my emotions, my truth
92 · Jan 2021
emily Jan 2021
I see the person I love
Drifting away
Loving somebody else
Another friend caching their eye
Sparking an interest that my dull body could never give you
Or a wider smile that you gave in my presence
So here we go again
Being replaced
For someone better
For someone more alive
Your eyes don't meet mine with happiness anymore
My words are not welcome to your days
So to save the pain and the heartache
Tell me you don't want me
Or love me
Tell me you don't care anymore
And I'll stop trying
I'll stop living for someone else  
A puppet used for entertainment
If you don’t love me anymore
I'll hand you the scissors
And we’ll cut the strings

— The End —