This is the year of going back to the start
The year of healing the inner child that grew up too quickly.
I'll go right to the beginning
To where it all started.
When I started to bury all that i feel
I'll tell the child being passed around that one day she’ll have a forever home
That their parents did love her
It just wasn't safe for her to stay there
A one room house was not a fairytale dream.
Those scars one day she’ll wear like armour,
Those memories will fade like waking up from a half finished dream,
She’ll stop flinching,
She’ll begin to love
Begin to see the world in colour.
She’ll start to rise
And She’ll start to heal
We are taught as children that
Whatever doesn't **** us makes us stronger
But my body is unable to forget
That I am more victim than I am survivor.
I have yet to learn how to turn my pain into strength
However you didn't **** me
And my strength is shown in staying awake shaking and crying
As I am unable to stop reliving the past.
My body carries you from place to place
Like a fever that i cannot break
You are relentless
You are the unforgiving shadow that i cannot cut off.
I didn't realise that my childhood was wrong
Until I left the cage of my 4 walled bedroom.
I thought all my emotions were wrong and invalid
Sorry I shut the door to my bedroom,
Sorry I woke up too late,
Sorry i haven't clean my room in forever,
Sorry I left food on my plate,
Sorry i haven't showed emotions in a while
Sorry I answered when i should have stayed quiet,
Sorry I questioned your authority.
I'm sorry I kept forgetting that I'm lucky to even be here.
This room a luxury
This bed a luxury
This food a luxury
A roof over my head a luxury
People that care for me are a luxury.
What a luxury to be afraid in this home
I took my first breath
The moment my emotions bled into words.
All the trama I kept bottled up
Slowly became smaller than they once were.
Slowly healing from all the damage that I had breathed in
Every letter is a stitch that is sewing me up
but the scars still remain
I'm never going to pretend
That I am more foolish and idiotic
Than I already am
So someone else will be more relaxed
And at ease with my intellect and company.
I also won’t laugh at a joke
Just to make my company more agreeable
Or dress the way others want me to wear
I will show my intelligence
Like a family jewel
And my humour like a native language
My cloths will exhibit my unwillingness to fit in.
Oh dear, my love it looks like you've stumbled across my work
My words, my thoughts all about you.
Some are kind and some are full of pain.
I know you wont like some of them or even all
But there about you
And how I slowly learned how to heal
Healed from how you made me feel so fulfilled
But then eventually how I felt so used.
So then my love, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for sharing my words, my emotions, my truth
One of the hardest things I've gone through is having to say goodbye to someone who had already left themselves. When one gives up but the other still is undoubtedly and wholeheartedly still in love with the other. But a goodbye greets the empty space doomed as the heartfelt words are absent from their ears. Their gone but the memory still remains deep down unable to be heaved up