I wonder what it's like for anyone who doesn't resort to self destructive behavior to see the fresh cuts and the scars that are still there from years ago.

Hey, its me um. This is going to be the last time that i call you. I’ve tried to call you so many times and there’s just no response and I feel like the more that I push you to tell me why you left the more you're disappearing. So I figured I’d just leave a voicemail this one last time.

I think the reason why I'm trying so hard to get you to give me an answer it's just because I felt happy with you. And now I don't, I feel miserable.

Recently I realised you were never the reason I was happy. I just allowed myself to be happy with you. And I know now that I don't need you to answer me to get closure. And i think it's time for me to discover how to be happy alone and I actually have you to thank for leaving me so that i can discover that

So thank you for the good times and uh yeah, i guess this is goodbye uh yeah
bye.

It’s getting bad again
The numbness
The emptiness
The complete and utter exhaustion
It’s back

It was a normal day,
And then you arrived.
And now all i can think about
Its drowning in that lake that i failed to do a year ago,
Or the quick motion of a blade on my skin,
Or even the sizzling of a cigarette on my skin.
I am slipping back into old habits of controlling my pain
All because i saw you,
Again.

I'm afraid to start writing again. I buried my soul in a casket expecting the demons to leave me alone but they never did, so I’ll write regardless of calming the storm behind my eyes. I’ll unearth the casket and fight this battle once again.

This is the year of going back to the start
The year of healing the inner child that grew up too quickly.
I'll go right to the beginning
To where it all started.
When I started to bury all that i feel
I'll tell the child being passed around that one day she’ll have a forever home
That their parents did love her
It just wasn't safe for her to stay there
A one room house was not a fairytale dream.
Those scars one day she’ll wear like armour,
Those memories will fade like waking up from a half finished dream,
She’ll stop flinching,
Stop stuttering,
She’ll begin to love
Begin to see the world in colour.
She’ll start to rise
And She’ll start to heal

We are taught as children that
Whatever doesn't **** us makes us stronger
But my body is unable to forget
That I am more victim than I am survivor.
I have yet to learn how to turn my pain into strength
However you didn't **** me
And my strength is shown in staying awake shaking and crying
As I am unable to stop reliving the past.
My body carries you from place to place  
Like a fever that i cannot break
You are relentless
You are the unforgiving shadow that i cannot cut off.