What if I told you to stay away?
What if I hurt you?
What would you say?
Truth is I feel frozen inside
Like something essential wilted and died
It's funny because all the love I should be giving you
Is being wasted on the person who broke me in two
Only body and time is what you receive
When heart's been shattered can't wear it on your sleeve
Now when love tries to wiggle underneath my skin
I block it before it has the chance to begin
Or else I will surely pay the price like before
But I am bankrupt
I can't take anymore
My goodness has been stolen by someone else and for that I apologize
Trust issues run all the way to the bone
Though you have told no lies
I thought maybe meeting someone new would somehow relight the missing spark
You do everything right yet for reasons unknown my soul remains hollow and dark
I end most blessings bestowed on my life because I don't deserve relief
Caused problems myself so why should anyone else save me from my grief
Afraid to hear I am needed because I won't live up to expectations
Held captive in chains by ever present limitations
Work hard to accept myself with each one of my flaws
But self-hatred is a toothy beast that bites my self-esteem and gnaws
I used to believe I was beautiful when offered up the compliment
Can't help but wonder where that easy confidence went
I am incapable of self love because I am too broken
Inside the strength it requires will never be awoken
Much less courage it would take to love someone besides myself
I don't bother even reaching because it's stored on too high of a shelf
Sorry but the key to my heart is a treasure you will not find
The best I can do it to let you have a peek within my mind
I could tell you what you want to hear but I would rather simply be real
Let you know from the start I don't have any emotion left to feel
I never really got used to the sensation of being alone
Independence not a familiar quality because I **** when I'm on my own
I wish my favorite moments were memories made with you
Instead of with a person who no longer feels the same way too
It hits when I rise in the morning the hardest and realize again that he is not there
It's not that you are not enough for me
Nobody could ever compare
Was just never able to see clearly though I can tell right from wrong
If he is the devil then in hell I must belong
It hurts to watch you try your best knowing I can't share it back in return
Your admiration is a privilege given though I have done nothing to earn
And dream for a night of a universe free from past regret
There are times I would forfeit all my possessions just to temporarily forget
And break you is the last thing I want to do
But this can only end with one of us black and blue
The aching is inevitable
It's only a matter of time
Force of impact directly proportionate to the distance that we climb
I mean it when I say that I like you very much
Enjoying every second our skin gets to touch
There isn't much sensitivity left here in me
I've shut down my nervous system in order to be free
When all my needs have been neglected and ignored for far too long
Forgot what respect looks like
You treat me right and it seems wrong
Since birth dysfunction is the only home I've ever had
Different ******* up situations
But it never seemed that bad
So now that I am finally faced with something new
I doubt it assuming it has to be too good to be true
Sometimes I don't know what is wrong with me
Can't control which direction I feel
Like I am not the one behind the seat with hands on the steering wheel
I want more than anything to fall in love and see my eyes sparkle once more
But my heart is held hostage against my will by the guy I was with before
Maybe it's hard to let down my guard because I don't want it to end the same way
I am wise enough to know by now that  everyone eventually leaves one day
Whether it is by their choice or intervention from fate
Every happily ever after has an expiration date
Combine that with pre-existing insecurities and a truckload full of baggage
And you get an emotionally depleted wreck
Unable to recover from sustained damage
Been months now and wounds haven't yet began to close
I worry they never will
That the hole he left inside of me is a crater no one can fill
Is this emptiness all I'm destined for?
A ghost haunting memories?
Each minute suspended in solitude passes like centuries
Knowing I can't reciprocate everything you willingly provide
Is subconsciously tearing me to bits inside
I won't make you any promises I am unable to keep
Maybe we should call it quits before we get in too deep

My heart is not a room for  rent
Or helping hand for hire
Not a bundle of hay or stack of sticks
To blow down or set on fire

And for that I am so grateful
My walls erected high
So far the top not visible
Bricks reaching past the sky

I am not honey melting on your tongue
My body is not an ocean in which for you to drown
I may make you feel like you are on cloud nine
That just means you have further to fall down

I am not your once-upon-a-time
No longer believe in fairytales
Wish I could be your pussycat
But I am a monster with horns and scales

My affection is not a sunset
Have no glow in which for you to bask
I want so badly to love you like you deserve
Too incompetent to accomplish that task

My time is not a rolling wheel
Spinning forward sure and straight
It is a large looming labyrinth
Impossible to navigate

My happiness is not a prize you can win
Although I wish it were that way
Smiles breifly graze my face in your presence
Why can't one find the determination to stay?

My company doesn't play a melody
Loyalty is not a song
Just a sequence of sad lyrics serenaded
But the notes all come out wrong

My soul is not a shooting range
Target not painted on my back
Yet feel as if at any moment
I will be suddenly under attack

My feelings are not a falling star
Shooting from the sky only for you
Nor are they dandelions or eyelashes
I won't make your wishes come true

My attention is a turning top
Twisting and spinning all over the place
I'll make you so dizzy you can't even walk
Then you'll fall right onto your face

My care is a consuming cancer
Killing every last cell
You're better off without my disease
Stay away and your health will stay well

My mind is an active volcano
Over and over erupts with no warning
Sometimes rage bubbles up from within
I can't stop the molten lava from forming

My companionship is a sleepless night
Kept up by thoughts racing in your head
Questions fighting with each other
Unless I am with you in bed

My devotion is a heavy black cloak
Worn like a ball and chain
Weighing down shoulders like sandbags
I don't think you can handle the strain

My efforts are fistfuls of sand
Slipping through your fragile fingers
Gripping so tightly that when you are done
Only a few wayward grains linger

My adoration is a roulette table
Risk getting hurt by my behavior
Yet you gamble anyways despite the fact
That the odds aren't in your favor

My compliments are Band-Aids
To cover wounds inflicted in haste
You'll get cut by words so sharp
I carelessly misplaced

My desire is a running faucet
Full blast with no way to turn it down
Which means eventually if in my proximity
The sink will fill and you will drown

My intimacy is a roller-coaster
Ascending high and dipping low
There will be moments I let my guard fall
But I also harbor secrets you'll never know

I will remain suspended in your throat
A lump too large to swallow
Too tough to chew to pieces
So your stomach still is hollow

My love is thunder and lightning
A storm that never ceases
No matter how calming and comforting you are
The downpour only ever increases

You deserve much better
That is plain to see
I can't possibly imagine
What you see in me
You should be with someone capable
Of giving love and devotion
I am so ****** up inside
Numb to almost all emotion
You and I are different
Your heart is made of gold
While my own is solid as a rock
Impenetrable and cold
Why was I created this way?
Who have I become?
I barely recognize myself
Or remember where I'm from
Please don't get too attached
Because I am not made of glue
So just because you are stuck on me
Doesn't mean I will be too
Left all vulnerability behind
To deteriorate in the past
It's easier to remain indifferent
I've learned good things don't last
You can't sweep me off my feet
I've already been knocked to the ground
And I'll only drag you further down with me
The longer you stay around
Please don't give me presents
I am not worthy of the price
Somebody as ******* up as me
Shouldn't be with someone so nice
Please leave me for your own good
Before I rip your feelings apart
All my edges are sharp pieces of glass
If you get any closer I'll break your heart

Just a scent all it takes

And am rendered powerless to your hold

I miss the days i harnessed control over my emotions

Now and then imagine a world without your chains but honestly
Prefer the restraints

Like earth walk all over me
Put footprints on my brain
Use to your benefit
When done leave me in pain

These irregular interactions
Bring dark world so much joy
Is a problem because in return
Suspect I'm starting to annoy

Fester and itch like oozing sores
You show zero signs of irritation
In character
Composure maintained
Worthy of standing ovation

And wonder what goes through your thoughts
Intricacies you choose to hide
Wishing had been around to give
Love parents didn't provide

Pray for good to come your way
I don't believe in God
Maybe universe will hear my pleas
Answer them though you are flawed

No matter what damage you do to me
Will always own my heart
Seems like you take advantage of that
Why else do you tear me apart?

Changing your mind like an outfit
Confused about desires
Will I see the day the magnetism
Drawing to your side expires?

Seasons pass in a blur
Do not recognize who you became
Everything surrounding changes
My feelings remain the same

Turning in bed throughout the night
Pestered by demons
Didn't invite
The last thing wanna do is face my pain
It's the only subject boiling on my brain
You said not to worry and stress without cause
Know no other way of coping with my flaws
Is it easy for everyone else to show themselves love?
Self- loathing drags me down and I cannot rise above
First doubt creeps in like 5 o'clock shadows
Insults that start small and then grow
On mind like frost coating a thin layer of ground
Freezing to the insecurity to which I am bound
Last night's insomnia paints bags under eyes
Circles so deep and dark they can't even be disguised
I eat up lies you dish out like I haven't been fed in weeks
Hungry because gut never finds the nourishment it seeks
The distractions I consume to fill the void only render me more hollow
Skeleton becomes a nest of pity in which I choose to wallow
Fears bloom faster than blossoming flowers
Watered by teardrops that pour out in showers
Within bones
The middle where marrow should be
Instead filled with stones
Inside skin a storm is raging complete with lightning and thunder
Perished as teardrops poured
Presently pain pulls me under
I quickly surrender to rain clouds in the sky
Working to save my soul
Guess it is time to accept that in this universe some forces are beyond my control

Shame stalks me like shadows
On my heels
Put myself through so much torture
Must like the way it feels

Blame you for depression
I know that isn't true
Because I already struggled
Before I lost you

Words you whispered walk through skull
Play phrases on repeat
Conscious of fact I'll never hear them again
Whimper in defeat

In midst of motionless self-pity
Chaos indetectably brews
Conflicted between sticking up for myself
Or withstanding more mistakes I'll excuse

A stillness appeared a moment
As quickly as arrived it is gone
Built on instability
Cannot trust pavement I tread upon

Rippling across distance
Wind melodic
Moving
Thin
Fabric of time and space silky soft
Not quite as soft as your skin

A trail of kisses leads to
waistband
By my moseying mouth
In turn undress me til body is bare
Slowly work your **** sin south

Bars of piano play symphonies
Resounding from the middle of my mind
Waves rolling in and out with the current
Notes are far more tender and kind

I let myself bask in bittersweet glow
Melting due to warmth of total bliss
Voice has never sounded so smooth
Collision never like this

My being joining in rhythm
Tangling until we are one
We remain connected by flesh
Some time after we are done

Eventually guilt emerges
Torn between directions
Why must head and my heart
Inhabit different sections?

I long to be with you
I'm afraid as soon as you know I care
Feelings will fade when I close my eyes
Open them and again you won't be there

Catch me like snowflakes on the tip of your tongue
Take me way back to they days we were young
Flickering waves of nostalgia crash on  shores of my mind
Regret rolls in then right back out much like the oceans tide
Melding seamlesslessly into these rivers composed of tears
The horizontal sea is darker and deeper than it appears
Where your memories have drowned inside a wet washed up grave
Staring back at photographs documenting love we couldn't save
Your unconcious eyes have no longing for my smile
Seeking to be with someone else for awhile
Catch me
My wings are too broken to fly
Too late I find out when I am falling from the sky
For I always seem to jump the gun before being fully prepared
Which wouldn't be a problem if you had genuinely cared
For just a few years ago your affection was solely mine to keep
How could I not have noticed we were getting in too deep?
Priorities out of order
I guess we ran out of time
And you stopped idolizing the person once considered so sublime
And in your haste to discover something shiny and new
You overlooked the treasure you had right in front of you

I do not know what is wrong with me
But I have a problem clear to see
When attempting to smile my muscles won't move
Like sorrow is a splinter I cannot remove
Sadness an infestation sprouting from seeds
Spreading throughout soul with greater speed than that of weeds
Roots reaching furthest depths of my ragged reality so dark
Squeezing skull so tightly it leaves a permanent mark
Scars nothing new to me
Wear them with pride
Whether on surface or invisible inside
I am aware of imperfections
Count them one by one
Internal self-critique is a cycle that is never done
There are always mistakes to look back on and regret
Unrealistic expectations too high to ever be met
At night lie awake
Unable to find sleep
Haunted by promises failed to keep
The sight of photographs on my bedside table
Makes atoms in my flesh excited and unstable
Igniting flames
Stoking intense yearning
Enticing while simultaneously burning
Pleasures forever lost echo in my head
Beyond my grasp are words you once said
Clutching pieces of past so tightly my hands start bleeding
It's the shattered fragments and broken bits I'm needing
Your presence rendered life beautiful on our hardest days
Can't help but wince when I hear the word "always"
Time after time you have shown your love to be only lies
Only have myself to blame for being taken by surprise
I was an easy target
In line of fire
Lured me where you wanted with powerful desire
I was a pawn for you to manipulate
Took advantage of fact for you I could never feel hate
Regardless of how bad you hurt me to your embrace I'll always return
Victim to games countless occasions because I never learn
I suppose had it coming after all that we've been through
Traveled all the way to hell for you and back again too
I've tried everything could think of to make mistakes right
Still threw them in my face each and every night
I ponder if our relationship meant anything to you at all
If the years we spent together to you were insignificant and small
It's difficult to accept you are happier without me there
Try to chart a new course but each direction leads nowhere
Perhaps I should teach myself how to survive alone
Have it as MY choice not answering the telephone
When it comes to you it's not possible to win because I'm weak
I don't stand a chance against the silky smooth words you speak
I watch you through a screen wishing that I was where you are
Sigh because distance separating us is way too far
You moved on and left me reeling struggling to understand why
I'll get by without your touch
Missing you silently until I die

You can say whatever you want
But that doesn't mean it's true
I suppose if the roles were reversed
I would have trouble admitting it too

Of course your memory differs
No two perspectives are the same
It was many years ago
So you are not to blame

But what you said weighed much more
On my ears than your own
I am not trying to make mountains out of molehills
My recollection is not overblown

It feels like it was yesterday
That those careless words left your lips
Even speaking them aloud now
Still stabs my self-esteem and rips

"With the way you are you deserve to die"
I am not making it up like you think
I did not misunderstand you
You didn't even stutter or blink

You did not say "You are gonna die"
Although I am sure that's what you meant
To summarize
I had it coming
That was pretty much the extent

You apologized right after
Realizing you were wrong
But the damage was already inflicted
Statement a little too strong

What hurts the most is you are honest
And only say things you truly believe
But when I analyze it you are correct
I beckon death with a push of my sleeve

So denial may have you fooled
But I can't forget what you said
And no matter how much I wish it wasn't so
Your comment will always remain in my head

I kept the promises you broke
In the back pocket of my jeans
And swept the sweetest words you spoke
Into the corners of my dreams
Buried in my skin like splinters are pieces of what we had
Hopes tucked away in my heart
Future plans we made too
Memories pace my mind making me sad
Because all I have left are traces of you

I'm not sure what I did this time
To **** up **** like I always do
I end up ruining everything
Should've known this would go south too
Maybe my troubled mind is to blame
Why would anyone dare come close?
The fact I'm alone tells me all I need to hear
I'll never be what you want the most
Or perhaps I am too needy
It's obvious I come with baggage
I don't expect you to not only carry
But help me heal the damage
That's more than anyone should do
I understand why you're staying away
Caught a glimpse of me at my lowest
Want no part of that ugly clique
I can make myself look pretty
With the right makeup and tools
But to expect you to be attracted without
I must of been a ******* fool
You were already too good for me
That much is painfully clear
After witnessing a sliver of the monster within
Why did I expect you to still be here?
It was silly of me to get my hopes up
I knew that from the start
Naive to entertain the idea
Of one day giving you my heart
Perhaps I came on too strong
Scared you away with my advances
I'm not asking you to be solely mine
I just enjoyed our fleeting glances
But who am I to ask for your presence?
We don't really know eachother at all
I'm sure after spending a short time together
For anyone else you'd rather fall
I really am an idiot
For not seeing things the way I should
Deep down I was aware I am not special
Blinded because you made me feel good
It was such a nice distraction
From the constant sadness I feel
Now I question all my surroundings
Unsure of what is and isn't real
But that's what I get for getting my hopes up
Just because we shared one special night
We have no commitments hanging overhead
You are perfectly within your right
But I still dont know what I did wrong
To make your interest suddenly decline
Before my desperation was revealed
Our friendship was totally fine
But you definitely deserve more than me
A loser who whines and complains
Self-deprecation is a turn-off
But it's what I truly believe in my brain
I dont know what drew you to me in the first place
Suppose timing was mostly the key
I should've known you'd get sick of me soon enough
No one is dumb enough to stick around me
I dont know why you no longer care
I don't know why I do
Something so insignificant shouldnt bother me
But I guess I was smitten with you
I suspected I wasnt the only one
You talked to smooth and sweet
But wishful thinking is a real *****
Leading me straight to defeat
It wouldn't be called a crush
If it wasn't supposed to hurt
My heart may have already been broken
But it felt better when we would flirt
So thank you for your breif affection
And I am sorry for whatever flaws drove you away
I just wish you'd give an explanation
For why you are being this way

My heart is trying to recover
Waiting quietly for change
Breathe into me your medicine
Sorry if that sounds strange
But I need some help in healing
Nothing I've tried has worked so far
I don't know how much longer I can take
Things being the way they are
I dont know what will fix me
Or if that's even possible at all
But it feels like each bone of mine is broken
Injuries sustained when you made me fall
So I'm searching for a remedy
A cure for this lovesick soul
Because this dangerous disease
Is seriously taking its toll
Degrading brain cells one by one
Memories turning matter to a mushy mess
Stomach contorting into pretzel-like shapes
Skin crawling without your caress
I am damaged and don't know how to repair
The spots you chose to burn and bend
You've left me heartbroken and as a result ill
But with only one touch my body would mend

They say time heals all wounds
Honestly that is *******
Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do
Pain has dug too deep of a pit
There are instances where you lack the strength
Or can't find a foothold to climb
The distance up is just too great of a length
And then what good is time?
Some cuts never quit bleeding
They just slowly run dry your veins
Every day the sting keeps on repeating
Years pass yet the hurting remains the same

Leaning on femininity as an excuse

Me being the opposite gender equivalent to being handicapped in a wheelchair

But biological differences are not a disability
They are unique birth attributes
My extra chromosome doesn't make me less of a person it just makes me less of a man

I cannot express how wonderful it feels
For the first time in so long
I sit down to write a poem
In which your name does not belong

Finally
Somebody else
Drifts in and out of my thoughts each day
I didn't know it was possible
Although your face is still here to stay

I don't even remember what it is like
To daydream of someone other than you
You've occupied my brain so many years
It feels strange to make room for him too

I wish he could replace you
Instead of only serve as a distraction
Though to him I am drawn
For you doesn't waver my attraction

It seems no feelings will ever be strong enough
To stomp out the ones you left in my heart
But that I have them for anyone else in the first place
In and of itself is a pretty good start

Before I couldn't even look at another
Without my stomach turning sick
Now I am hanging out with someone new
Used my Polaroid camera to take a pic

You may have moved on faster
But I am slowly losing the fear
That I will never fall in love again
Though it'll never be like when you were here

I have accepted I will never be as happy again
As I was when I was with you
But I don't need to duplicate those emotions
Not-quite-as-happy will certainly do

I admit that the first time he kissed me
"He's not as good as you"
Repeated in my head
But now I realize that you are not better
I was just craving familiar instead

After spending so much of our lives together
I don't know how to be with anyone else
But I know comparing everything
To the past can't possibly help

I understand you could never be replaced
Unconditional love for you I hold in my soul
I am not searching for my new soulmate
Finding someone who makes me smile is my goal

There may never come a day
Where he has as much of me as you
But I don't need him to travel to my depths
Only to give me an equal piece too

You never let your walls down for me
Though I bared my most vulnerable parts inside
I don't care if he tells me all his secrets
As long as he shows some sections he hides

And is willing to chisel away the armor
Your mistakes have left around my skin
I don't expect him to understand me
But you wouldn't even begin

So many memories we've shared
Things we've done
Places we went
Now I have to start all over
But that time was still well spent

I don't think he will ever coax out
The level of ecstasy you did with your fingers
But his hands give me butterflies
And a chill that lingers

When you walked out the door you took my hope
Left me with an inability to feel
But it has returned along with the sense
Wounds you inflicted will someday heal

If I am patient in the future I'll awaken
With his name on my mind first
And find comfort knowing that even if he breaks my heart
You've already put me through the worst

It's ****** up what you do to me
Playing games with my head
You've given me your cold shoulder for weeks
Now suddenly you want back in my bed?

You expect me just to open my arms
Let you wiggle back inside?
After you turned my life upside down
The reason behind tears I cried

You must think I'm an idiot
I've forgiven you every time before
I guess somehow I always will
But I can't trust you anymore

You're too deeply embedded in my heart
For me to remove all the way
Like a splinter underneath my skin
Your memory will forever stay

Although I will never stop loving you
I have to learn to live without your touch
Because it kills me to pour my all into a person
Who simply doesn't care as much

When I have your attention I soar
Your gaze makes me feel like I can fly
But intoxicating emotions crash down
The instant you say goodbye

You talk to me when it's convenient for you
But ignore me as soon as it's not
How can you throw my heart away
Then ask me for another shot?

It isn't fair what you're doing
I am just a toy for you to break
When you're done and I am left damaged
You escape free of scars or heartache

You used up all the good in me
But I guess that wasn't enough
Because you came back for the rest
Too bad I'm not giving it up

I know all too well how this will end
It's stupid to even hope
That maybe you have actually changed
You say you will but you won't

If I was what you really wanted
You wouldn't have abandoned me here
It's not a relationship with me you're after
Your intentions I read loud and clear

I can't say exactly why you returned
Maybe your new life isn't working out
But don't think I will let you fill me with lies
Just because it's you I dream about

Although I wish we could be together
Experience the same bond we had before
Yesterday must remain in the past
We aren't those people anymore

If your words were true at all
You would have been loyal from the start
Of course it's easy to miss me now
After spending months apart

I am sure if I succumbed to your charm
Welcomed you into my embrace
As soon as you realized you had me
You'd no longer yearn to see my
face

You've always wanted things you can't have
If it's easy it isn't fun
But you can go mess with someone willing
Because I mean it when I say I'm done

My feelings for you are stronger than ever
Why I will never know
But you are bad for my sanity
So I must learn to let you go

I'm sure there are reasons behind your mistakes
Justification for hurtful things you do
You can say sorry a million times if you'd like
But it won't make your apology true