Give me the boot and I'll walk out the door
You won't have to see me anymore
I will run away as far as I can
To El Dorado or Wonderland
I'll leave the cruelty and unfairness behind
In search of peace that here couldn't find
I will rub a lamp and make a wish
And a genie will fix all of this
I'd give anything to make the pain go away
Despite my efforts it is here to stay
I don't want to fight with you despite what you think
But we go round and round like we're at a roller rink
When trouble comes knocking I panic and hide
And wait but the struggles never subside
I long for a sanctuary but instead get a cell
This house is a hell I've come to know all too well
Tears soak my pillow
I'm chilled to the bone
Even around family
I still feel alone
Nails pounded into skull
Another headache drags me down
Misery floods this spinning room
Afraid that I might drown
Broken beyond repair
Something's always wrong
It seems like everyone expects
Me to **** it up and be strong
That used to work but I am much weaker now
I want to make you proud of me but I don't know how
Stuck chasing my tail in circles while you hope
I will get better but we both know I won't
Viewing life in shades of red
Why can't it fade to black?
I don't have enough muscle to carry
Weight of the world upon my back
Singing sad songs systematically off key
Somehow forgotten what comes after Do Re Mi
In my heart sorrows move and make ripples all throughout
Waves form as memories kick and thrash about
Even if life relents a little and shows me some room to breathe
As soon as I relax I find myself between turmoils teeth
Poor judgement leads me to the worst destinations
Have only self to blame for present ruination
Eyes blinded by expectation and comparisons to the past
Eagerly jump to conclusions too fast
Too many failures tallied like marks
Then rubbed in my face with spiteful remarks
Arguments come and go without a moments notice
Sometimes feel as if I am under hypnosis
As if it is another host in my body residing where I stand
Answering some evil inaudible command
When all innocence has been hidden somewhere too dark to seek
I just continue to lose myself week after week
Have to wonder where the hell I went wrong
I used to laugh and it didn't feel wrong
Still wear a smile but it's as fake as fool's gold
My frozen hand is too cold now to hold
A few more goodbyes and I'll be swept away with the wind
Stagnant air coats my lungs as I breathe disappointment in
But I think I am ready to finally take off my mask
And tackle questions I always silently pray people won't ask
My poker face was never the best
It's about time I show my cards
Because I am exhausted from bluffing
I'm letting down my guard

I am sorry for being the way that I am
Wouldn't be with me if I were you
But the heart wants what it wants without giving a ****
If you agree with it's choice too

I am too broken to love
Shattered to my core
Haunted by the pieces
Of all I had before

I want to forget the past
So I can be birthed anew
And emerge a stronger person
Than the girl I was with you

Had a dainty personality
To match my petite figure
Fragile as flower petals
Too easy to disfigure

Built on the ruins of yesterday
A castle constructed from skin
Thank heavens it's outside appearance
Doesn't match the mayhem within

I inhabit a remote island
Stranded in the middle of my mind
Somewhere so deep in my conciousness
I am impossible to find

The center of my body
Has been drained of light and heat
So much warmth has been used up
I have no energy left to deplete

At my gates a warning is carved
Words wearily written in stone
"Caution ye who enter here
Cursed if not left alone"

Anything to stop curious eyes
From peeking where they may
Access always denied to outsiders
It's safer for everyone that way

The little sliver of hope I retain
Is threatened by storming skies
Any goodness still blooming decays
Faith wilts and silently dies

A tiny part of me is relieved
I now have no sadness to fear
I don't have to be afraid of agony
Because the pain is already here

It isn't fair to future suitors
To fail before getting a chance
But after one too many heartbreaks
I've completely sworn off romance

It is best to stay behind these walls
I keep my loyalty on an unreachable shelf
How can I be expected to care for another
When I can't take care of myself?

Below the surface I yearn for connection
For a touch that will allow me to feel
But vulnerability must remain hidden
So all weakness I continue to conceal

I think I have shed so many **** tears
My saltwater well has run dry
The silver lining of which is that woes
No longer have power to make me cry

Any time I sense attraction nearby
I flee far as fast as I can
Yet I can't seem to escape it's pursuit
Regardless of miles ran

I am exhausted from avoiding
Opportunities for adoration
But continue to do so at all costs
Cause all relationships have an expiration

I don't know who I am anymore
Missing too much of my soul
Lost portions of self as I went along
Now I can never be whole

Your effervescent eyes striking
A bowling ball hitting pins
Staring into I know
Must end this before it begins

You think want to be absorbed
My life and my routine
Trust me
If aware of what that entails
Wouldn't be so keen

And brushed dust right off my skin
Helped me once more stand
Am grateful you let me lean on your frame
Supported with a steady hand

But knew somehow I'd do you wrong
For me you are too good
Always those who give the most
That do not get treated how they should

So memorized the details
Stored safely in my head
Differences between history
And the limbo I found in your bed

As I lost my way I learned
All love will bring certain pain
So it is safer for both of us
To just steer clear of the rain

Happiness only lasts for so long
Until it's abruptly cut short
I'd rather decide to go seperate ways now
Then wait til we have belongings to sort

As I drift further from you
One cowardly inch at a time
My attraction steadily decreases
Yours proportionately climbs

I miss experiencing fireworks
Butterflies
Flame lit in the dark
Those sensations vanished when love did
Yet I am still holding out for that spark

If I was still your dream girl
Would we share a bed each night?
Arms wrapped around each other
After you turned out the light

I've been alone in your absence
Wondering how you get along
Not seeking Mr. Right
Because anyone else is wrong

Forgotten by the closest friend
I have ever had
Replaced by a beautiful face
And for that I truly am glad

I just wish I could find that myself
So I could be happy too
But no matter how hard others strive
I can't smile unless I'm with you

It may still be early
But I have already made the decision
Though I know it will hurt
To inform you of division

When my mind is made up it's final
My resolve won't waver or cave
I figured now is the time to come clean
Though that means being brave

My body is my hamartia
The fatal flaw I cannot remove
Resolve stands until your magic is worked
Then out of the way defenses move

Towards the sun my face is angled
Anything to avoid looking at
The confused expression you wear
And the damage under that

I take time to explain best as I can
Why you are not right for me
I'm sure you still don't understand
Why you must set me free

Across the lawn sun slowly rises
Tomorrow is a brand new day
No matter how bad you feel right now
Patience will take sadness away

Into the woods watch me retreat
Until my silhouette disappears
It will be easier saying goodbye now
Than to wait a few more years

Life has a sick sense of humor
Can't control my emotion
It's always the most toxic option
That arouses deep devotion

Down through the mess of sensations
One thing remains clear and true
Of all the directions inner compass is pulling
Not one of them points to you

I move real slow through this minefield
One misstep and I will be dead
Placing each foot with the utmost caution
Explosives where shoes tread

Up the rocky ***** I climb
Fumbling inch by inch
Hands utilizing grips available
Narrow handles hard to clinch

It makes more sense to let go
Can't hang on much longer
I could cradle you in my arms
If only I were stronger

I reach peak of adoration
Admitting it towers so tall
Yet when I gaze at the sights below
Simply think
"What a far ******* fall"

In solitude insanity
Stalks me like shadow
But that is not a good excuse
To lead you on I know

I stretch my words to please you
Cause I'm scared to disappoint
It's wrong of me to exaggerate
When there really is no point

And the energy connecting us
Will eventually disippate
In the future you will gaze back
And be thankful that we separate

In an even trade I'd give you my heart
And I'd get yours in return
But relationships are never equal
A harsh truth that you must learn

With all that you have done for me
It is hard to up and leave
But what else to do after realizing
I can't put forth same care I receive

And so I release you from my embrace
To fly away into the sky
Maybe I shouldn't have taken a chance
This is what happens when I try

Every person who gets too close
Gets cut by pieces broken
Whether by sharp behavior
Or musings left unspoken

I experience bliss in your presence
But remain consumed by emptiness
Probably destined to live alone forever
I don't deserve love or happiness

There is much about you to remember
Am terrified I might forget
To me appears you already have
Realization that makes me upset

Nothing to stop image from fading
From brain a bit more each day
Picture your face so clearly now
Know time will steal it away

Writing all our memories
The best way to ensure
In some way I'll preserve you forever
The perfect specimens we were

You do not care
Freeze precious snapshots
Because to you they did not matter
If love was a delicate vase
You would purposefully topple it simply to see shatter

Sit down to rest tired feet
Exhausted from leading around in laps
Do not know you're giving me the runaround
You set fire to all the maps

Hate is one emotion I am not capable of
For you

Though you are stormclouds dropping rain on my rundown brain until I am drenched and shivering
No downpour hard enough to drown the love filling my heart

(Only for you)

What if I told you to stay away?
What if I hurt you?
What would you say?
Truth is I feel frozen inside
Like something essential wilted and died
It's funny because all the love I should be giving you
Is being wasted on the person who broke me in two
Only body and time is what you receive
When heart's been shattered can't wear it on your sleeve
Now when love tries to wiggle underneath my skin
I block it before it has the chance to begin
Or else I will surely pay the price like before
But I am bankrupt
I can't take anymore
My goodness has been stolen by someone else and for that I apologize
Trust issues run all the way to the bone
Though you have told no lies
I thought maybe meeting someone new would somehow relight the missing spark
You do everything right yet for reasons unknown my soul remains hollow and dark
I end most blessings bestowed on my life because I don't deserve relief
Caused problems myself so why should anyone else save me from my grief
Afraid to hear I am needed because I won't live up to expectations
Held captive in chains by ever present limitations
Work hard to accept myself with each one of my flaws
But self-hatred is a toothy beast that bites my self-esteem and gnaws
I used to believe I was beautiful when offered up the compliment
Can't help but wonder where that easy confidence went
I am incapable of self love because I am too broken
Inside the strength it requires will never be awoken
Much less courage it would take to love someone besides myself
I don't bother even reaching because it's stored on too high of a shelf
Sorry but the key to my heart is a treasure you will not find
The best I can do it to let you have a peek within my mind
I could tell you what you want to hear but I would rather simply be real
Let you know from the start I don't have any emotion left to feel
I never really got used to the sensation of being alone
Independence not a familiar quality because I **** when I'm on my own
I wish my favorite moments were memories made with you
Instead of with a person who no longer feels the same way too
It hits when I rise in the morning the hardest and realize again that he is not there
It's not that you are not enough for me
Nobody could ever compare
Was just never able to see clearly though I can tell right from wrong
If he is the devil then in hell I must belong
It hurts to watch you try your best knowing I can't share it back in return
Your admiration is a privilege given though I have done nothing to earn
And dream for a night of a universe free from past regret
There are times I would forfeit all my possessions just to temporarily forget
And break you is the last thing I want to do
But this can only end with one of us black and blue
The aching is inevitable
It's only a matter of time
Force of impact directly proportionate to the distance that we climb
I mean it when I say that I like you very much
Enjoying every second our skin gets to touch
There isn't much sensitivity left here in me
I've shut down my nervous system in order to be free
When all my needs have been neglected and ignored for far too long
Forgot what respect looks like
You treat me right and it seems wrong
Since birth dysfunction is the only home I've ever had
Different ******* up situations
But it never seemed that bad
So now that I am finally faced with something new
I doubt it assuming it has to be too good to be true
Sometimes I don't know what is wrong with me
Can't control which direction I feel
Like I am not the one behind the seat with hands on the steering wheel
I want more than anything to fall in love and see my eyes sparkle once more
But my heart is held hostage against my will by the guy I was with before
Maybe it's hard to let down my guard because I don't want it to end the same way
I am wise enough to know by now that  everyone eventually leaves one day
Whether it is by their choice or intervention from fate
Every happily ever after has an expiration date
Combine that with pre-existing insecurities and a truckload full of baggage
And you get an emotionally depleted wreck
Unable to recover from sustained damage
Been months now and wounds haven't yet began to close
I worry they never will
That the hole he left inside of me is a crater no one can fill
Is this emptiness all I'm destined for?
A ghost haunting memories?
Each minute suspended in solitude passes like centuries
Knowing I can't reciprocate everything you willingly provide
Is subconsciously tearing me to bits inside
I won't make you any promises I am unable to keep
Maybe we should call it quits before we get in too deep

My heart is not a room for  rent
Or helping hand for hire
Not a bundle of hay or stack of sticks
To blow down or set on fire

And for that I am so grateful
My walls erected high
So far the top not visible
Bricks reaching past the sky

I am not honey melting on your tongue
My body is not an ocean in which for you to drown
I may make you feel like you are on cloud nine
That just means you have further to fall down

I am not your once-upon-a-time
No longer believe in fairytales
Wish I could be your pussycat
But I am a monster with horns and scales

My affection is not a sunset
Have no glow in which for you to bask
I want so badly to love you like you deserve
Too incompetent to accomplish that task

My time is not a rolling wheel
Spinning forward sure and straight
It is a large looming labyrinth
Impossible to navigate

My happiness is not a prize you can win
Although I wish it were that way
Smiles breifly graze my face in your presence
Why can't one find the determination to stay?

My company doesn't play a melody
Loyalty is not a song
Just a sequence of sad lyrics serenaded
But the notes all come out wrong

My soul is not a shooting range
Target not painted on my back
Yet feel as if at any moment
I will be suddenly under attack

My feelings are not a falling star
Shooting from the sky only for you
Nor are they dandelions or eyelashes
I won't make your wishes come true

My attention is a turning top
Twisting and spinning all over the place
I'll make you so dizzy you can't even walk
Then you'll fall right onto your face

My care is a consuming cancer
Killing every last cell
You're better off without my disease
Stay away and your health will stay well

My mind is an active volcano
Over and over erupts with no warning
Sometimes rage bubbles up from within
I can't stop the molten lava from forming

My companionship is a sleepless night
Kept up by thoughts racing in your head
Questions fighting with each other
Unless I am with you in bed

My devotion is a heavy black cloak
Worn like a ball and chain
Weighing down shoulders like sandbags
I don't think you can handle the strain

My efforts are fistfuls of sand
Slipping through your fragile fingers
Gripping so tightly that when you are done
Only a few wayward grains linger

My adoration is a roulette table
Risk getting hurt by my behavior
Yet you gamble anyways despite the fact
That the odds aren't in your favor

My compliments are Band-Aids
To cover wounds inflicted in haste
You'll get cut by words so sharp
I carelessly misplaced

My desire is a running faucet
Full blast with no way to turn it down
Which means eventually if in my proximity
The sink will fill and you will drown

My intimacy is a roller-coaster
Ascending high and dipping low
There will be moments I let my guard fall
But I also harbor secrets you'll never know

I will remain suspended in your throat
A lump too large to swallow
Too tough to chew to pieces
So your stomach still is hollow

My love is thunder and lightning
A storm that never ceases
No matter how calming and comforting you are
The downpour only ever increases

You deserve much better
That is plain to see
I can't possibly imagine
What you see in me
You should be with someone capable
Of giving love and devotion
I am so ****** up inside
Numb to almost all emotion
You and I are different
Your heart is made of gold
While my own is solid as a rock
Impenetrable and cold
Why was I created this way?
Who have I become?
I barely recognize myself
Or remember where I'm from
Please don't get too attached
Because I am not made of glue
So just because you are stuck on me
Doesn't mean I will be too
Left all vulnerability behind
To deteriorate in the past
It's easier to remain indifferent
I've learned good things don't last
You can't sweep me off my feet
I've already been knocked to the ground
And I'll only drag you further down with me
The longer you stay around
Please don't give me presents
I am not worthy of the price
Somebody as ******* up as me
Shouldn't be with someone so nice
Please leave me for your own good
Before I rip your feelings apart
All my edges are sharp pieces of glass
If you get any closer I'll break your heart

Just a scent all it takes

And am rendered powerless to your hold

I miss the days i harnessed control over my emotions

Now and then imagine a world without your chains but honestly
Prefer the restraints

Like earth walk all over me
Put footprints on my brain
Use to your benefit
When done leave me in pain

These irregular interactions
Bring dark world so much joy
Is a problem because in return
Suspect I'm starting to annoy

Fester and itch like oozing sores
You show zero signs of irritation
In character
Composure maintained
Worthy of standing ovation

And wonder what goes through your thoughts
Intricacies you choose to hide
Wishing had been around to give
Love parents didn't provide

Pray for good to come your way
I don't believe in God
Maybe universe will hear my pleas
Answer them though you are flawed

No matter what damage you do to me
Will always own my heart
Seems like you take advantage of that
Why else do you tear me apart?

Changing your mind like an outfit
Confused about desires
Will I see the day the magnetism
Drawing to your side expires?

Seasons pass in a blur
Do not recognize who you became
Everything surrounding changes
My feelings remain the same

Turning in bed throughout the night
Pestered by demons
Didn't invite
The last thing wanna do is face my pain
It's the only subject boiling on my brain
You said not to worry and stress without cause
Know no other way of coping with my flaws
Is it easy for everyone else to show themselves love?
Self- loathing drags me down and I cannot rise above
First doubt creeps in like 5 o'clock shadows
Insults that start small and then grow
On mind like frost coating a thin layer of ground
Freezing to the insecurity to which I am bound
Last night's insomnia paints bags under eyes
Circles so deep and dark they can't even be disguised
I eat up lies you dish out like I haven't been fed in weeks
Hungry because gut never finds the nourishment it seeks
The distractions I consume to fill the void only render me more hollow
Skeleton becomes a nest of pity in which I choose to wallow
Fears bloom faster than blossoming flowers
Watered by teardrops that pour out in showers
Within bones
The middle where marrow should be
Instead filled with stones
Inside skin a storm is raging complete with lightning and thunder
Perished as teardrops poured
Presently pain pulls me under
I quickly surrender to rain clouds in the sky
Working to save my soul
Guess it is time to accept that in this universe some forces are beyond my control

Shame stalks me like shadows
On my heels
Put myself through so much torture
Must like the way it feels

Blame you for depression
I know that isn't true
Because I already struggled
Before I lost you

Words you whispered walk through skull
Play phrases on repeat
Conscious of fact I'll never hear them again
Whimper in defeat

In midst of motionless self-pity
Chaos indetectably brews
Conflicted between sticking up for myself
Or withstanding more mistakes I'll excuse

A stillness appeared a moment
As quickly as arrived it is gone
Built on instability
Cannot trust pavement I tread upon

Rippling across distance
Wind melodic
Moving
Thin
Fabric of time and space silky soft
Not quite as soft as your skin

A trail of kisses leads to
waistband
By my moseying mouth
In turn undress me til body is bare
Slowly work your **** sin south

Bars of piano play symphonies
Resounding from the middle of my mind
Waves rolling in and out with the current
Notes are far more tender and kind

I let myself bask in bittersweet glow
Melting due to warmth of total bliss
Voice has never sounded so smooth
Collision never like this

My being joining in rhythm
Tangling until we are one
We remain connected by flesh
Some time after we are done

Eventually guilt emerges
Torn between directions
Why must head and my heart
Inhabit different sections?

I long to be with you
I'm afraid as soon as you know I care
Feelings will fade when I close my eyes
Open them and again you won't be there