It has shattered.
It has shattered, but I put it back together.
It should be back together, right?
Right?


So how come it feels more broken than ever?

Here I lay,
Still in my bed.

Here I lay—
Can’t get up to eat my
Food for the day.

Here I lay,
Seeing it through till the end of the day.


And there I lay,
My eyelids closed
In troubled dismay.

And the more I sleep,
The less I eat,
And the less I dream.




Here I lay,
An empty sack of bones.


They bring me food—
Force it down my throat,
And nothing comes of it.



And they don’t realize that this bag of bones
Is slowly suffocating
And suffering


Under the comfort of the bedsheets.

i'd like to order
six million sets of
hats, coats, dresses, skirts, shirts, and shoes.

i'd like to sing
six million songs
to six million children.

i'd like to bake
six million cakes
to feed those who had to starve.

i'd like to hold
six thousand hands
for all those who didn't have support before.



i'd like for all of us to hold the memory
of over six million hearts,
of over six million lives,
of over six million experiences.


i'd like us all to remember




all of the suffering
these beautiful people
had to endure.

i don't care anymore
do anything to me
i'll be fine as long as you leave me to sleep

i won't cry
i won't open my eyes
i'll be alright as long as you let me rest

take me anywhere
scream your sorrows at me
i'll be okay as long as i can take some sleep

throw me onto the ground
leave me me cold and on the floor
i don't mind as long as i can rest my eyes

call out my sins
tell the world all that i've held inside
it won't bother me as long as i can have a deep slumber


leave me to die
i won't mind
as long as i can have sleep for the last time.

—————————————————
~an introduction for ignorant newborns~


we live in a society built on lies...
when the hell will we get up and open our eyes?

sitting in the back seat watching time go by...
powerless to the person at the wheel...

when we unplug our monitors,
we unplug our minds.


take your pills,
now go back to sleep...


put on your headphones,
mindless to this rotting world
that perpetually dies.

turn the volume up,
and every time the volume increases,
your ignorance follows suit.

blind yourself in the limelight of cameras,
oh, beloved celebrity.

cover your feelings with makeup, and cleanse yourself of anxiety with your...

medicine.


talk about how “OCD” you are,
as you drive past the mental ward.








—————————————————
~interlude~


mr. president stands before a thousand cameras—

lights flashing,
questions asking.

what will he say?
what will he decide?
or,
will he lie?

he turns his head to one camera.
he smiles and says it’ll be alright.

he turns his head to another.
he frowns and talks about how there should be no more ******.

he looks to a camera in front of him and says,
“we are a free people...”




and i wonder



which broadcast tells the truth?



—————————————————
~ode to the top 1%~

on the top floor,

watch through the eye of god,
as the filthy ants scramble below you.

look through your glass window,
as the man on the other side cleans it.

frown upon him as if he is an insect,
instead of a man.

shuffle your papers,
as you shuffle the choices of who lives and who dies.  

posh parties,
and lively celebrations—

as well as child deaths,
and gun violence.

the TV isn’t working—
maybe you can see the agony on their faces through the static.

scoff and walk away—


thirty more people died at the expense of the NRA today.


turn off the light


that those children never had.



—————————————————
~an untimely end to this never ending struggle (conclusion)~



how will it all end for humanity?


will it end by war
or by famine
or by mass-******?


or will it end depending on the mind?



tell yourself it’s fine
with ***** and alcohol.



or tell yourself it’s not because of lack thereof.



but those aren’t the only paths.






you decide your end.




will you get up and make a change before you die?




or will you sit down and close your eyes?



will you help the woman who’s fallen,



or will you act like it didn’t happen?




so many paths one can take.





let us all try our hand





at this sick,
sick


game.







—————————————————
a special thanks to:
hatred,
hope,
dread,
life,
death,
change,
good,
bad,



oh,



and society for being such a pain in the ***.

so empty
so dark
so scary
death is far
which is good
but now i am left with nothing
and no one
just empty

so empty.

i recall the soft touch of your hand
on my infant cheek--

so delicate in the moment,
but so menacing later on.

i recall the warmth of your skin
as it comforted my shaking hand--

so calm in the moment,
but so frightening later on.

i recall the sweetness of your smile
as it had shone its luminescent glow upon me--

so beautiful in the moment,
but so unsettling later on.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~


i can't quite understand
why you no longer hold my hand.

see, you have a light touch so full of love,
that it could burst at any moment--
giving way to something sour.

i don't see the reason
for you to make my eyelids change color every season.

see, i have bruises like silk
and blood like milk--
your emotions could drink it all in one sitting.

i don't understand
why my heart still beats if the scale of my wrongdoing is so grand.


see, i have a droplet of hope,



but it falls into an ocean of fear

I know you did a lot of horrible things to me.

I know and can feel
How bad you hurt me.

I don’t like what you did to me,

Or the things you said,



But I am willing to forgive.



I still have the scars from your belt on my back,


and I still remember the stifling feeling of your hands around my neck,




But I also remember your remorse—


The sadness in your eyes as you’d hold my broken body in your arms and tell me how much you loved me.




I remember laying there,
Tears streaking my face,
With all my limbs broken.


You could have a temper.



But you could also be the most loving thing I ever knew.


You’d yell and scream and shout and rant,



You’d break me.



But,

I am willing to forgive.



I hope that you’ll look at this note.



Look at it as if it was written in my own blood—
The blood you spilled.


And I want you to feel my agony.

Feel my pain.

Understand my blight.


And then I want you to tell yourself that it’s okay.



Because I hope you’ll see this.


I hope you won’t be angry any more.


Because I know,

In truth,



We both want to forgive.


Forget the whippings.

Forget the bruises.


But remember the pain.


Remember the tears.


And remember your remorse.



And forgive.


Forgive yourself.



Forgive me.


Forgive me for hating you.



And I promise, if you do, I will do the same.



I hope that you can understand.





I hope we can forgive each other.



I hope we can reconnect the bonds of our love,

And put the pain in an old shoebox.


I just want to be with the real you.


Even if it’s just for one more time.





Thank you.

I wish there was something I could write,
Something I could say.
I wish I could sleep at night,
I wish you could stay.

I think—
I think there was a man and a woman...
They were arguing.

Inside the man’s tightly curled fist
Rested a pistol
With his index finger slumbering on the trigger.

The woman,
Unalarmed, stepped forwards
Challenging the man.

He jumped in reaction,
The gun flailing along with his taut, strained arms.
The woman began to shout, when

An explosion of gunpowder
Cut open all the air


         And everything went silent.

i’m scared that




love can just



wash out like a stain




freshly imprinted

in the delicate fabric










of time.

******* can you just








stop doing





everything wrong?

Please,
Turn off the music.
It is pathetic,
Stupid,
Useless,
Overly-sensitive,
Victim music.

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

You’re green, bubbly, and magenta.
You’ve transformed my vision of what I call psychedelia—
Wow!
I wouldn’t have expected you to walk up to me right here, right now.
You have candy canes on your face!
Funny you should come to this place....

Do you like it here?
See, look! A blue deer!
Wait, why is he sad?
Come along, please don’t be mad...

...a pretty color indeed!
Yes, I think it’s very sweet.
I’m so very curious, sir.
Why is it that the mangroves stir?

I find your idea rather enchanting,
However my imagination is too demanding...
Why are you here?
What summoned you and told you to appear?

Never the matter, let’s bask away;
Hurry, there’s only so much left today.
Beautiful, yes it is,
But stranger than a ghost’s kiss...

I don’t quite understand...
My fate doesn’t feel too grand,
And I suddenly realize
The meaning behind all your lies.

You were the one.
You took away the sun,
Leaving me with night
And a heart filled with fright.
You were the one.
You said it’d be fun,
And guided me in my infancy
To not worry or look too closely
Until one day it was gone


And I tried to forget
That you were the one.

When you’re little, everyone thinks you’re special...
When you’re twenty, everyone thinks you’re promising...
And when you’re dead, everyone will love you.

Do you see yourself as successful?
Beautiful?
Charming, even?

Well, I see you dead in a bathtub...
Surrounded by drug paraphernalia.
I see your mother crying for you...
Syringe in her arm to take away pain.

Do you see yourself as a failure?
Disgusting?
Horrid, even?

Why, don’t think of yourself that way...
You’ll be alright.
There is no storm...
Just calm, just the eye...

When you’re little, they beat you.
When you’re twenty, you’re hopeless.
And when you’re dead, you’re saved.

Is the drive boring?
Tiring?
Numbing, even?

It’s okay, just fall asleep...
You’re not responsible anyway.
It’s fine, go to sleep...
You’ll be unresponsive, anyway.

When you’re low, it’s blue.
When you’re high, it’s full.
When you’re dead, you’ll finally be numb.

i’ve turned it all off and plugged in
uploading memories to the cloud
wonder if it ever rains

if the fog clears would you see my life encoded within the atmosphere?

can emotions be
interpreted into code?

what would be my algorithm?

tell me,
how is it that
numbers can be played back as music?

is it actually music?

really, it’s just sounds bouncing about everywhere.


so many numbers,
so many words,
so many letters
in this world...so


does my little code



even matter?

A soft, gentle warmth
A touch of pillowy, overly perfumed femininity
Suffocating me into serenity

Quick, slender fingers
Bandaging my every move
Warning me against standing in the rain
And quick fingers slipped under my skin

Small, frail waist
Brushes against me as we dance
And I am pulled closer reluctantly
Into estrogen and ecstasy

Full, colorful lips
That would drive anyone else crazy
But they just seem to spit the most horrid things ever said
And they seem to sentence me
(Under the blissful vow of marriage)
To a life of torture and conviction
Underneath a piercing gaze...          




    I would rather die.
  
                


              “You may now kiss the bride.”

I swear I will do anything for you.
I don't care, as long as you don't leave me.
My blue-veined love for you always runs true...
You are the only one that sets me free.
I always love the smooth drum of your high...
Please, numb me until there is no regret.
You are there when I don't see a blue sky.
The needle is where my hopes will be set.
Oh, do you mind taking me to the edge?
It's a lonely ride, so would you come with?
We'll dangle our feet over the steep ledge...
Their tale of pain remains only a myth.
    I am asking you not to go away...
    Because with me is where you'll always stay.

I couldn't focus today.
It was awfully loud.
I wish they would turn the volume down.

The sky was dark.
Why didn't it rain?

When the fog clears,

Maybe Father will come home again.

On a day such as this,
I return from my tiring work.
On a day such as this,
I return to this dull world.

I hear it once more--
The droning, and the grayness it explores.

I feel it coming--
The humming, and the slight drumming...

The thinning beats are composed of children's pitter-patter,
And sullen ***** dish clatter.
The tuneless melody speaks of pointless meanings,
And empty greetings.

I hear it once more--
The droning, and the grayness it explores.

I feel it coming--
The humming, and the slight drumming...

I hear it one more time--
Or so I think,
For the part of me that understands
Has already died.

They put me in today.
I think it rained.
My emotions will decay.
Loneliness is all that remains.

They put him in, too.
He is sad, as am I.
He said, "I am just as lonely as you."
Is this where I'll die?

It seems I am here to stay.
I long for a friend.

I await the end of this day.

I want it all to end.

I think I will rot.
Maybe I will not.
There isn't any air,
My head feels hot.

I would like to ask,
Do you feel as lonely as I?
In melancholy we shall bask,
Quietly contemplating under a gray sky.

I feel like singing.
My heartbeat is stinging.
The dull mirth fading,
My subtle song thinning.

I would like to ask,
Do you feel as quiet as I?
In burnt kerosene we shall bask,
Quietly suffering until we die.

Mother?
Are you there?
Mother, do you ever get cold or sad in that little house all alone?
Do you ever wonder what could have been?
Do you miss your old friends?
Mother, are you missing me right now?
Is it hard without Father?
Will you be okay?
Mother, are you singing about the tree again?

Mother, will you sing to me again?

Don’t you see him?

He sits in the corner,

Spending hours and passing judgment

On all I have to say.

Don’t you see him?

He tormented me

With questions and answers

Spending money and passing time

With all I have to provide.

Don’t you see him?

He is a dark shadow

That gathers on the edge of my mind

And fades along

With the disappearance of night.

The door is oddly unlocked
As I turn the **** subconsciously
For whatever reason.

It creaks open,
And the soft afternoon light
Suddenly becomes blinding.

The floorboards twist,
Turn,
And scream under my weight.

And it begins to feel like
Someone’s been here before.


But I shrug it off
As if it’s nothing,
And keep going.

I send my feet to the living room
Step
By
Step,

Someone’s definitely been here.


But I shrug it off,
Not fully believing it’s nothing.
But nonetheless I keep going

into the living room.
Yes, that is where my feet go.

My eyes cannot fully register what is going on.


A scene out of a tragic painting,

Blood is dripping from the curtains hanging.


And there it lays—
The thing of ultimate dismay.

My mother,
The one who birthed me,
The one who raised me,
And the only one who loved me

is dead.

More dead than the ants we step on from time to time.

More dead than those who came before me
Hundreds of years ago.

More dead
Than my soul could ever be.

My mother,
A tapestry painted with blood,
Lays there

Desolate and beautiful.

A tear streaks her face,
As if to say,
“Why must you leave me in this place?”

I suddenly feel
That I’ve seen that look on her face.

I close my eyes,
As if it were all a bad dream,
Hoping to wake
And have some coffee with cream.

But I open my eyes to my mother’s demise,
And my ears start hearing
The sound of my own screaming.

The tears keep coming,
And she feels nothing.

She’s been stabbed
By someone who feels like me
repeatedly.
Blood spills out of her wounds
And I suddenly feel
That it once coated me.

The tears keep coming,
But I say nothing.



This tapestry
Was painted in blood.


And the artist,
I sickeningly realize,




Was none other





            than me.

My vocal chords scream out,
But I haven’t the means.
My knees give out,
But it wasn’t on a screen.

I haven’t made the grade

Till I’m on that stage.

___________________


­



















































    Why have you opened this? I told you there was nothing to read.



























































­








                         Please respect what I said...thank you.















































            
­















                  There is nothing to read in my next poem, either.
























































        ­                                      Or the one after that.


















                        

























        Or the one after that.      









































                                                 Tell me,











                            


                              





























  ­                         What was so intriguing about this blank document?


















___________­________

i had almost lost myself
in the crowd of facades
i had almost forgotten
who i was and who i will be
i had almost left
my beloved self behind.

but i’m here again,
and i’m here now.

i’m the strongest i’ve ever been.

Remember
What we spent?
Remember
How we wept?

Was it all null?
Was it all nothing?

Remember
What I said?
Remember
The time before it was dead?

Was it all absent?
Was it all missing?

Remember
How we held
In a still moment such as this
How we suffered for the sun
And how we rejoiced for the rain?

Remember
A day similar to this and ones past
When we were together
And we held fast?

It's beautiful, crystalline moments like these
That allow my sobering soul to believe.

you say that loving the same *** is worth hating.
you say that these people
for their unchosen sin should be paying,
but deep down, you’re the same.
you wake up every morning
hating the same day.

you say that another skin color is what they should be wearing,
but really, you are also truly despairing.

you tell them to be this,
and be that.
you tell them that they’re too skinny,
or too fat.

you tell them how to be and who to be—i wish you could see through your hypocrisy.


because all colors of the rainbow are pretty.

because every size is alright.

because these people try with all their might.

because being different shouldn’t be met with fright.


let us all dance together





and fade into this beautiful night.

i have infinite options
but i don’t wanna do anything
i’m so tired
of everything.

i don’t know who you are, but



i will beat you.



i don’t know why you’re here, but



i will overcome you



i know you’ll be back tomorrow morning,




but,




i will smile,



even as you **** me.




i will smile,




till the very end.






i will not






give in













to you.

why do you push everyone away?
why do you hurt everyone?
why do you hurt me?
why do you care so much about what they think?





why can’t i break free?

stomach twists in pure fear
i’ve had enough people for a year
feel their eyes burning into me
rather leave you for soul deceit

alone and focused on
i feel so far gone
i want to scream
i want to wake up from this dream

i think i look stupid
i don’t think i feel worth it
hoping for someone to take the blame
of the loneliness left untamed

will they see me write this?
can i justify this?
i just want a friend to sit down with
i don’t need a hug or a kiss

i want to go home
i want to say no
trapped in obligations
sadness in mitigation

maybe i should say something
but it might disturb something
how are you?
good, i’ve got something to do

come watch my misery
from a comfortable bird’s eye view

unfinished


i don’t feel inspired anymore
it’s all just ******* nothing
fading into my heart
i have left everything unfinished
so i sit
forever uneasy
and forever hungry.

Such symbolic sentences...I fancy them.
Situations so strange...as well as how I end them.
Simple seeking of silence...useless in its longing.
Subjugating secrets...cruel in its withdrawal.

Shall we share the shyness? There is plenty for you...
Should we show our shallow shells? We will certainly protect you.
Shall we scare the separated sons of servants? They never told you.
Should we sell selfish souls? I did not mean to punish you.

Which is just?
Maybe all of them, if you must.

Which is right?
A few of them, if it helps you sleep at night.

Where is she?
Right in your heart, I promise truthfully.



        -- Yes, I know. Eventually, there will be writing on the wall.


                                                         ­           

              
                                                  
             ­                                       (It is only a matter of time.)

Let me ask--
what is worthy of being untitled?

What is the poem or story with so much meaning that it cannot be labeled?

Is my work worthy of being without a title?

Is this poem that meaningful?

Will a title spoil the emotion?

-------------------------------------------------------­--------------------------------------

When we see something untitled, there always seems to be a reoccurring sense of intrigue surrounding it.

I wonder if you'll be intrigued when you read this.

----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------

If I filled this page up with hyphens and forward slashes, would it still be intriguing?

You could say yes, since there could be a secret meaning or code within the longer and shorter lines.

But what if I told you there was no meaning to any of this?

What if everything you're reading in this poem is nonsense?

Would there be any way to know?

You might argue that you could ask me.

But what if there is no answer?

--------------------------------------------------------­-------------------------------------

Now I wonder why you're still interpreting these words.

I hold nothing against you...

I just don't see the point.

I think of the pure indulgence,
The joy of mirth,
The feeling of freedom.

I think of how I saw it in her eyes,
In her expression.

All of these things came together and formed what we call a smile.

I think of the dimples in her cheeks,
The soft skin I loved to kiss.

I think of her full lips,
And the hair she had that was never stiff.

I think of how
When she enjoyed chocolate,
There would always be some left
On the corners of that beautiful smile.

I reminisce
Upon the beautiful times we spent together.

The feeling of her fingers intertwined in mine,
Her tired head being rested on my shoulder,
And a smile—
A rare smile.

This smile was like no other.
It was not the one she gave to people when they complimented her,
Or the smile she gave when she received a gift.

This smile
Was the smile she wore
When she was with me.

A special smile,
One only for me.

Oh, how I miss her lips,
And her quick, determined smile—
It was slightly crooked, but that made it all the more beautiful.

Oh, how I miss her confidence,
The perfect posture and easiness.

Oh, how I miss her hair,
Because even when thrown up without a care,
It landed perfectly—
Every hair.


And oh—
Oh how I miss her other side.

The one she hides,
But not with lies.

This is the side
She shows to me
When we are both
Very lonely.

She tried and tried with all her might,
But she could not do so on that lonely night.

That night,


She decided to give up the fight.


Oh, how I miss her,



Naked and vulnerable



On that December night.

line up,
you’re a model.

stand by the others,
they’re all models.

get up,
you’re a model.

the judges select the prettiest,
the smartest,
the fastest,
the best ones of all.

they choose everyone
other than you.

all the pretty models walk one way,
while you walk another.

they have wonderful temperament,
while you break down for no reason.

they have wonderful bodies,
while you just aren’t good enough.

they act with grace and humility,
while you slam your fists into the wall and scream your lungs out.

they smile and dream,
while you have nightmares and
your face twists into a horrible frown.

guess you just



weren’t enough.

why didn’t i
say anything


why didn’t i
do anything



please
please
please
i barely see you anymore but please



don’t go
please
i’ll do whatever i can...



you deserve life.



don’t leave,
don’t die
i’m here
even if you lie
i love you—
you are a great friend
don’t leave
don’t leave
don’t leave


now, i just sit here stupidly and wonder





what could have been?

what have i done?


my heart
has been filled to the top with liquid—
a glimmering red,
so much so that
it just
burst open.


what have i done?


my heart
is a porcelain doll.
so beautiful, that you want to touch it, but
once you do, it shatters into a million pieces,
because you drop it.


what have i done?


my heart
is a thief with a knife.
it holds it to your chin,
as you struggle and squirm underneath the blade.


look what i have done.








look what i have done.

maybe i am here.
would you see me?

the door is open--
you can walk on out.

see all the teenagers
jigging about.

i don't think it's your scene
over here with me.


maybe i am there.
could you hear me?

the capitals are low--
turning sentences inside out.

see all the thoughts
hanging around.

the vision is blurred
over here with me.


maybe i am no longer.
could you sense me?

don't misunderstand--
that's not what this poem is about.

see my blank stare
midnight all around.

the time is all gone
over here with me.

i go outside
and i despise
the sunlight in
that little girl's eyes

why was it me?
it hurt, you see
i'd have preferred
you to **** me

inside hurts
throbbing pain
shooting straight
to my brain

why was it me?
i'm not a toy, you see
i'd have preferred
you to skip me

bleeding soul
growing old
flesh is mold
love feels cold.

Thousands of miles away
Is the one who thinks of you everyday.

Day after day,
I am the one that causes her dismay.

“Goodnight, I love you.”
Is the thing I always say
But I don’t fall asleep,
Nor do I dream.

But I lay there
Lucky to love you
Without a care.

And what’s stopping you
From loving her
When she comes back?

When she dresses up nice and looks you in the eyes and says
“Can you be mine?”

What’s stopping you
From loving her
The way you did before?




What’s stopping you from leaving me

                       when she smiles beautifully?

when i am in your presence
i already begin to miss you.

when you walk out of the door,
i feel as if a part of me is being pulled away.

once you have left,
i see the ghost of your shadow,
feel your once-lived touch,
and i am also enveloped in the warmth that once was.

every place in my house reminds me of you—
the ledge where we once sat, and
the bed where we once kissed.

everything i see
keeps reminding me.

i play it off as you leave,
but once you are gone,
the feeling pulls at my feet—
pulling me into the shadows.




but the thought of you lifts me up.

but the sound of your voice makes me feel hope once more.

but seeing your face makes my heart ache.

but seeing your texts makes me miss you more than ever.


but that doesn’t matter.


because my appreciation for you always remains.


because remembering when we first held hands reminds me that there is so much more to come.


because every time i’m with you reminds me of the first time.






because no matter how long i have to wait ‘till i see you,



no matter how far i have to walk,



no matter how much land i have to traverse,



no matter how much i have to endure,







i will always think of you.
i will always miss you.
i will always hope to see you—
even if it is impossible.



but most importantly,










i will always love you.

i look to you,
my eyes trace your face,
your jaw,
your neck, your shoulders...

my eyes move up to your lips.
i then will my eyes up to yours, latching onto your gaze.
i grab hold of it with whatever i can...
i beg you with the dilation of my pupils to just please
speak to me.

i can see it...the little inkling of a phrase,
a word, or
a name.

it's so close...it lingers on your lips,
the scent of the unknown word plaguing my nose.

your lips part.

and i see it. you are about to say my name...
you are so close to saying it.

but your lips slowly close,
my name retreating back into your lungs.


i swear that,
when you exhaled i
could have sworn i had seen my name spelled out in the cold winter air


that night.

Is this all you wanted?
Well, it’s all you’ve left behind.
Is this how it’ll be?
Well, it’s what you’ve left

For me.

Together
We stand,
Hand in hand,
Ready for the bad things to come our way.

Together we lay,
To end the day,
And for our affection there will be no delay.

And tomorrow we will wake,
And our backs will ache.
But since we are together,
It will go down smoothly,
Like a velvety and smooth bite of cake.

And through the streets we walk,
Making small talk,
And stopping to write our names on the wall
In a colorful chalk.

We dye our souls,
With the flame of a thousand coals.
We walk the streets,
Me looking at you,
And you looking at me.