alexei
Jan 10

I'm afraid of going to bed
Lonely
Sad
Losing control of my own mind
Irritable
Uneasy
Lost
Stuck
Hopeless
Lonely
It's mentally killing me.
It's driving me crazy.

Today somebody told me I have 'mental illness'.
#sad   #sleep   #midnight   #bedtime  

this isn't a poem. this isn't some well written piece of literature that will be quoted underneath photos of our depressed youth of America. this is me jotting down my thoughts at 9:26 p.m. i sit in the darkness of my newly decorated room (i needed a change of scenery, so a make over was in place) and i wonder why you don't like me. maybe i'm not specifically upset as to why you aren't interested, but more so why half the guys i pursue look the other way. I'm sitting here, dear reader, and i realize that it isn't the sad songs that make me cry, but instead the dead silence that crowds my empty room. I wonder why you didn't take me when you had the chance, didn't sweep me off my feet. I've annoyed my friends with the constant talking of you, it consumes me. i don't understand why my own two legs are strangers to the rest of my body and why they can't hold me up sometimes. i passed English 1101 with a 99, and yet i can't seem to find the right words to string together and form a sentence to utter out of my mouth. my mouth won't form the right shape to pronounce the few words i can muster. when someone asks me if i'm ok, i cry. I'm in mourning, i hate the snow that packs the sidewalks. you weren't mine and that's hard to process. it's like i have found my soulmate, but my soulmate doesn't return the same affection. sometimes i feel that i am seen as only meat for boys of all ages to circle around and toy with before they viciously devour. I am eye candy, i am known for nothing other than my appearance. when i write, i am my words. today i went to an abandoned house and i felt sadness surround me, along with the scent of musk and moth balls. i bought a goldfish and it died because i over fed it. i care too much about things and they die.

sincerely, someone who is lost on you.

I don't want you
but I don't want to live without you

L I M B O
an L for the longing
I for the "I'm not sure if this is where I need to be"
M for the minutes of waiting
B for begging the stars above to let me have you
O ; the single letter that escaped my lips as you turned your back
and walked directly into the next willing participant's embrace

I look at you, I look at her
I run
I run until the air in my lungs evacuate when my bare feet kiss the gravel
I run until I am unable to see you in my head
I pause
I wait
and I continue running, for you are still there in my head
I run
my arms punch the breeze that fights back at me, I punch as if it were the environment around me that took you away from me
I run until night divides the day
and drapes me in velvet black
My hands on my head, I spin around, pulling out my hair like a mad man
out of breath, but knowing it's not from the running but instead from the absence of you in my heart
I crash to the ground
I keep my eyes shut as long as I can, but whenever i'm met with the darkness surrounding my thoughts
I see you, my soft light
I keep my eyes shut until your image forces me to open them
and look up at the empty night sky
and all I ponder on
is why the stars have abandoned us.

I'm small, insignificant

Unfamiliar to the feeling
not entirely sure what's wrong,
but knowing that there's something missing
from my once wholesome life
and it's like i'm finally discovering myself
a period of rebirth
but now the clock has warned me that it is 12 in the morning
I am reminded of how you are out there
and how I don't know you
but how I desperately want to
and why I am a writer and all I do is constantly write or think about what I want to write about next but all of a sudden it's midnight and I can't find a way to string the extensive words of our English vocabulary together to somehow
SOMEHOW
expound upon why the simple touch of a stranger has left me feeling so empty, but how at the moment when I reached my fingertips just far enough that they could brush against your side,
I felt wholesome again
I don't know what makes humans yearn for another human to complete them and how we feel lonesome when in the company of the bitter silence that meets us at the end of a partnership
Or why I have a million and one things I could write about
instead of focusing again
on the loss of someone I never got the chance to know
and yet I choose to torture myself with seeing you in dreams
smiling at a girl
that is not me

12AMandyou'rekeepingmeawakeagain

we met only every midnight
by the dark sea in moonlight
where the driftwood pile
of our common heart ache
was put on top of the other
to burn it down
and mourn for a little

we had too much whisky
with a decaying organ
pressing our nicotine lungs
staring at the hopeless fire
and stepping on the dark sand

we belonged to no one
and no where
the earthquake vibrated
our empty soul
leaving the driftwood pile

with the thin air
the warmth of fire
and the sentimenal shore
that night we planned
our tender demise

- goodnight
#heart   #ache   #sea   #midnight  

In the darkness I lay,
crossing the threshold bathed in dreams,
I enter the moonless midnight of my mind
Drifting in a sea of melancholy,
its Elysian depths filled with
sublime words beyond black and white.
The meraki tides wash me unto a twilight shore
where a forest of eternal autumn stands.
Deep, dark, and lovely.
Inside, a strange world I must venture,
finding places once forgotten
and seeking secrets hidden within shadows.
The cracks and spiderweb shatters
within my being, fan out like a map.
A guide for my wanderlust;
the essence trapped within my veins.
Upon a soft breeze
carries the whispers of my soul.
Rustling my heartstrings
like wind through chimes and into my bones.
Keeping at bay the demons that lurk
and the ghosts that haunt.
Wandering through these dark woods,
set ablaze, I roam through that ethereal chaos.
Upon that place I stand.
My Midnight Soul.

#dreams   #dark   #mind   #soul   #melancholy   #my   #midnight   #sublime   #elysian   #meraki  

I just don't fit to anything you see
I'm hopeless and careless to be
I stumble to fall, I struggle to lose
And for me, it seems I'm no use

Put me in a jar and it will break
Put me in a page and it will tear
Put me in a pond and it will dry
Put me in a tree and it will wither

I'm a disaster packed in a box
I'm the last piece that won't fit
And yet above I saw a shining Light
Whom which no one could match

And with this Light, I'm a perfect fit
Not of this world, but in His hands.

 
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