Red.
It’s not pretty on me.
Not lipstick.
Not Valentines hearts.
Not cute red sweaters or “you’re so strong compliments.”

My red is the kind that stains.
That sticks.
That screams when I try to whisper.
Red is the colour of being left.
Not once.
But over and over and over.

My mum?
Yeah, my bio mum.
She left like I was a book she stopped
reading halfway through.
But she still sends postcards.
Like that makes it better.
Like writing, “Love, Mum” at the end
wipes away the years that she wasn’t there
to love me at all.

Do you know what it feels like
to get a message from a ghost
trying to pretend she’s still real?

I don’t read them anymore.
I just stare at the handwriting and
feel nothing.
Or maybe too much.
I can’t tell the difference anymore.

Red is the rage I swallow
because screaming makes people
uncomfortable.
Because no one wants to hear
about the kid sent to boarding school at 11
like an inconvenience.
Shipped off.
Silenced.
Discarded.

Dad didn’t even fight.
Just handed me over
to a woman who never saw me as hers
and made sure I knew it.

Red is the silence between us now.
And it’s loud.
So loud it drowns out the sound of me breaking.

But the worst red?
The darkest?

Wasn’t just what they did.
It was what they took.
Two men.
People I trusted.
People who smiled at me like I mattered
before they ruined me.

I said no.
I said stop.
But they didn’t hear me—
because they weren’t listening.
They were taking.

And one of them carved a word
into my skin.
A word I won’t repeat.
Because it’s still there.
Because when I shower, I still trace it.
Like it might come off this time.
It never does.

Red is that word.
That memory.
That version of me
that I don’t know how to bring back.
Sometimes I look in the mirror
and all I see is what they left behind.

I’m still here.
Yeah.
Breathing.
Just barely.

But I think about giving it all up.
More than I say out loud.
More than anyone would guess
by the way I smile in hallways
and laugh when I’m dying inside.

Red is the part of me that wants to vanish.
That writes poems
because if I don’t put it on the page,
I might not survive the weight.

Red is major depression.  
C-PTSD.
It’s waking me up and wondering why.
Why me.
Why still.
Why now.

It’s wanting someone to hold me and mean it.
Wanting my mum to show up
in something more than postage stamps and pretend love.
Wanting my dad to say,
“I was wrong. I should’ve kept you close.”
But knowing they won’t.
Knowing they didn’t.

Red is the truth no one wants to hear.
The pain they skip over in movies.
The girl in the back of the class
with scars on her heart and skin
who’s just trying to get through the day
without breaking apart in front of everyone.

Red is me.
All of me.
Hurting.
But still breathing.
Still here.

Not because I'm strong.
Not because I want to be.
But because even though everything in me says give up,
some tiny voice
buried under the rubble
still whispers:
Wait.

Filling my buckets of red—
I promise you,
I don’t have enough yet.

I don’t have enough anger
to paint the hands
of every man
who ever dared
to be a traitor.

Love me with chaos,
whisper poison into kisses,
a taste of honey masking venom
my sweet ruin,
my favorite destruction.

Hate me gently,
wrap bitterness in velvet promises;
your touch is fire,
a warmth I crave
though it burns me raw,
leaving scars I wear proudly.

Keep me addicted,
always searching for that rush
the dizzying high
of your stormy eyes,
your distant voice,
your fleeting approval
that keeps me begging,
breathless at the altar
of my own undoing.

I know you’re danger,
yet danger feels like home.
Your love’s a fever,
and I shiver willingly,
caught between
the poison and paradise
of loving and hating you.

Now that you've found me after 7 years, it doesn't seem magical or romantic like in the movies.
You have to understand. I thought I'd never hear from you again.
God this is supposed to be a miracle, a red string connection...why does it seem ordinary, kind of boring.
Disappointing, being found by a man who's already kept.

red
red
red
blood no longer dripping from your skin
sweet raspberries crushed in my mouth
roses swaying in the breeze
tomatoes thrown from an audience
chili peppers stinging your tongue
pomegranate juice dripping down your chin
lipstick smeared on your lips
red
red
red

I ravage myself in hopes,
but purity was all u needed.
Crinkled bedsheets,
White snow turned red and purple,
Is this your kind of pretty?

My love is such a wretched thing,
To keep within and about.
I spoon it to your lips,
And yet you spit it out.

I built a castle from scattered bones,
Laced it with echoes of your name.
Yet every wish turns out to be ash,
And every ember dies the same.

You know I write my love songs
and my poems
when everything feels wrong
when there's pain
I feel it all
it makes my skin crawl
into a ball of unwritten words
I must let fall onto paper

So I sit here and I feel bad
that every note pad isn't about you
it's about him or her
and love and other blurs
but never about you
and all your hues

I want to explain why
if I may
You and I
Red and purple
passionate and secure
deep and for real
you have never made me feel
pain
never made me kneel
or strain
you have always been
my place
my home
the one who will never roam

I think that's beautiful
but maybe I need to say it more
write about you on the floor
write about our love on every door
but I only seem inspired to write
while crying on the floor

You have never left me bruised
or sore
never left me seeking more
we are together
in perfect harmony
it's never a bore
You and me are
as Taytay said
Forevermore

So I write this poem to you
my best friend
my sister
my soul mate
and my favorite person
I love you
and I think you know
every day with you
to me is like
dancing in the snow

I don't speak often,
When I do I don't speak up,
But that can change.

Two colors rule my mind,
A blue hue,
A red fool.

That doesn't me I'll fight,
It certainly doesn't mean I'll lay down to die.