all these broken things surround me
our broken relationship
these ripped papers
the pencils that i snapped in half
that ugly drawing i drew

the pictures on the wall mock me,
your eyes penetrate my soul
they capture a much simpler moment, in a much simpler time of our lives.

how do you love something back to life?
how do you heal someone who is unrepairable?
what do you rely on? what do you use?
hope is merely but a bandaid on a broken bone.
no amount of love can fix what was already broken.

we were broken from the start;
nothing more and nothing less.
we built our love on a foundation of false hope.
nothing more
and nothing left.

I Jammed the pain inside, to wait for the defects to reside. Today strays and wanders away until it's stuffed down inside the void of discomfort. Let's roll our imagination onto light able paper, light it, and watch it burn..

See because that's what addiction does. It overrides your body latching on your inner artistry for its fuel. Pretty soon you become a machine, something mindless. Fasten your seatbelt because your on auto-pilot.

Now the transactions of your body really start to inaugurate. Your internals no longer has what it takes to fight, to resist, so now come the alterations.The tips of your fingers go hand in hand with the tip of your tongue. How your saliva's lust for substance dismantles the chemical compounds. Your taste buds loving that all too familiar feeling. Your greed full blood consuming every inch of it. As the destruction slowly trickles down your throat your anxious. Then the finale comes, the moment you've been waiting patiently for  the manipulation and overhaul of your brain and your reality remodeled, your home.

In those seconds pain is never an option, never a thought. Your lost out at sea. But that's all it really is, seconds, minutes, sometimes hours, just a little more time to stick the dysphoria on the back burner. When in truth you've just deepened the scar and exposed it to infections. When it's gone your left with broken thoughts that feel unrepairable.

Addiction doesn't just come from pre-packaged materials, they come from every entity you wish that blocks the truth out. They come from unfulfillment , pain, and soak themselves until you are left with no control. You have to fight, fight for your life. Face the music

A fractured spirit as a child.
Divorced parents.
A Saturday father.
A jealous mother of happy time spent with our father.
What very little time that was.
For me it was never close to enough.
That precious time was reduced even more.
I missed and needed my daddy.
But mom didn't care, her feelings were clearly more important than a fragile child.
After being dropped off by our father there were times of mental and physical unwanted unnecessary uncomfortableness.
All I wanted was time with my daddy but it became scarce, because our father did not want us subjected to that type of behavior any longer from a jealous woman.
Fractured spirit led to a fractured heart.
Part of my heart was so loving and warm.
The larger part was so cold and so bitter.
Which has led to a fractured tormented soul especially after losing my daddy a few short years ago one March day.
Watching my daddy suffer first hand from stage IV lung cancer opened up old and new wounds.
It fractured my mind.
It fractured my very essence of being.
Why is my existence completely fractured ?
Why was it after watching my father get so abusively tortured by cancer did I and do I feel so broken and unrepairable ?
Perhaps it's because I want the same fate as my daddy and I won't feel whole ever again until I do.
I've never been a truly happy person since my father left us as children.
I've never been whole, ever, and I never will be.
I drag my fractured existence through year after year since my daddy's passing.
Never caring, even a little if I myself was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer
tomorrow.
Selfish?
Perhaps.
But that cold and bitter part of my heart doesn't care much about selfishness.
It only cares about the exhaustive numbing pain it has dragged around for nearly 50 years.
As other layers of guilt with other separate affairs of my fractured heart have been added throughout these painful years, life if I am to be honest, has almost become a nuisance.
Crowds of people I avoid because my cold bitter heart trusts no one.
Outside of my home I venture only because I have to, to support the family I created.
Otherwise my fractured being I would keep in my home away from a world I almost despise and sometimes loathe.
Money does not make me happy.
Love does not make me happy.
Nothing will ever make the bigger piece of my fractured heart happy.
It's north pole cold and it will never be warmed until I suffer as my daddy did and I finally leave this place called Earth that I look at as hell.
I only need to leave my home for one day to realize that this really is hell on earth.
Until I can get away from the ignorance...
the I I I I I ...
the selfishness of just about every human being I encounter everyday I will never be happy.
When I see my daddy's face and Jesus's face is when my fractured heart will become whole once again and when I will finally allow myself to be happy.....at long last.
I can't wait to know even something as simple and taken for granted as being/feeling whole.... I can't wait to know how that feels because I never have.
A whole heart from me would be absolutely angelic.
A heart that Jesus has longed to see whole too, i'm sure of it.

In this moment I've never felt so empty

My heart is a wooden slab being knawed away at by pesky termites that leave unrepairable holes

And my lungs like Swiss cheese that can't seem to give me the oxygen I need in order to rid the lump of sorrow in my throat

It's in this moment that your back has turned to me, as I count your steps and wait to hear the slamming of a car door

I count on you to look back at me and smile, but my hope has again betrayed me, and I realize the last I'll see of you will have been this moment

So I've never felt so empty
I've never felt so alone

Binary code

Life to me is similar to
Binary code cause your either a one
Or your a zero not to be cruel like Nero
but that's just how it runs

Rich or poor zero and one
Not in the sense of you don't matter
But in the sense that some climb the
same corporate ladder

That others like me must of walked under
so zero represents hunger
And it maybe crazy to be labelled a statistic
but your always a number

Like a jail bird in prison social security
or even a credit score
Even prostitutes on escort websites
Are rated with a score

Your age, your salary,were all ******
It's not limited to profession
Even the priest tells u how many prayers
to say after confession

Racing time minutes from seconds
That accumulate to hours
9/11 two towers and 24 hours
In a day 7 days a week for power

We struggle hoping our troubles
Are more subtle hopin Donald trump
Isn't quoted by your boss
saying "your fired", a year is 12 months

But Friday the 13th if superstitious
Means 666 may send viscous
Demons while millions of ******
Are released in one ******* visit

Your height and weight, 6 pack
A perfect 10 describes good looks
5 stars tell how well your hotel is to dwell
but 187s a ****** and all crooks

Know tha 5.0 isn't a lottery# took
but a warning to book it or be booked
But in life we all have a 50/50 chance
if we really try but to look

With perfect eye sight is harder than just
having a 20/20 vision
Gotta watch for fakes that send over scams
til ur bent over, ****,,..now your  wishin

It could all be equal like positions
Designed so everyone can find
A balance of there talents a give and take,
if you will.... even like a.... 69?

Give me yours and here's mine
But nothing's that even, but as for odd
There's a lot of odd, cuz ppl are odd
And odds are someone will rob

You of your dignity. Money or job
Til too high is the number of your
Blood pressure that'll measure
if u need a stretcher and now to be sure

Let's check the number of your temperature
cuz outside it's 30 plus
But it feels more like 50 below zero
When your visa statement erupts

After your wife of number 10 years
of marriage decided to make
Another negative number work against you
at a 17% interest rate

It's all numerical I'm hysterical
Comparable to psychotics unrepairable
And after all this numerology psychologically
ima be damaged cuz its labotomy type terrible

All I want is some fresh bread for a sandwich
and to relax with a beer but first
I had to go to the bakery to get the fresh bread
and of course what occured....

I stand in line for such a long time
And got annoyed I wasn't served
So I yell what the hell, only to hear them tell
me  "please take a number sir "

Life...... life to me is similar to binary code
cause your either a numer one
Or your a zero .....
not to be cruel like Nero but that's just how it runs....


...... Ones and zeros I tell ya...
Ones an zeros......
.. If your not a one....

i use your words
as a bandage
encircling my heart
trying to hold together
what little is left
     of love

        but

the anguish
and bitterness
have torn apart
any semblance of healing

and no words
or kind expressions
can mend something
with pieces missing.

I'm slowly breaking

tearing apart

unrepairable

like a spinal chord

torn in two.

(this is another throw-back - a piece of writing, from high school, used in my Yale applications)

I pound the pillow, curse the clock and mock injunctions to rest.

The sun finally rises and its rays slantwise fall through the curtains as I dry my hair.

A meal, like a forced dose, we soak ourselves in wasted, nervous time.

Finally! We arrive at the competition...

Tension is here and tireless pressure.

The players waiting stiff as straw, tongues playing over dry lips.

Teachers and coaches unapologetic in their pallor.

Music drifts behind us and occasionally gasps, as imperfections play like daring circus tricks.

The sparkling prodigy returns disappointed, grimace of a smile, stricken, he stares away as we search for words, oh! clumsy, unrepairable prince!

Suddenly, its time and I wonder why we are hurrying, feeling weak, momentarily frightened to go there.

On this stage in this great, hushed hall, enormity suddenly dawns with mass enough to crush me.

At last, I sit before this odd Steinway music machine - my dearest mechanical friend.

A tremble resisted - the reward of mortal afternoons - endless practices fruit.

Eyes closed I prepare my best self - pushing all fear, all doubt, to the margins - and begin.

I hope, to recreate, one note at a time, Chopin's ancient impact - with hands flying, like tethered birds, I hammer out his timeless melody explosions, his streams of crazily exact math exam fiery semiquaver motions.. then, almost suddenly, I'm done.

I stand, joyously, nearly crying.. The world hasn't ended.
.
.
Songs for this:
12 Etudes, Op. 10: No. 4 in C-Sharp Minor by Vladimir Ashkenazy
Part of Your World by Emile Pandolfi
We gather together by Emile Pandolfi

I'm not sure who to address this letter to, myself or my ex lover...

I've always had this love affair with self destruction. As if life wasn't already difficult enough, I constantly sought out my own blend of vices and chaos to add to the mix. Perhaps something inside me has always been beautifully broken, disastrously unrepairable; so I've endlessly searched for things, places, and people that either were damaged themselves or caused further destruction. It made me feel closer to normal.

Every relationship I had was one I knew was doomed from the beginning. Yet, I chased after them anyway, running after the pain I knew would come. It was almost as if there was a little red button, above certain people or right before I did something incredibly stupid, that screamed and beeped and flashed "DO NOT TOUCH. MUTUAL DESTRUCTION ENSURED." Obviously, I always pressed the button.

While I admit I have caused more people undeserved pain than I care to think about, I should clarify it was never about hurting you. I think somehow I innately understood whatever I was about to do would blow up in my face, send shrapnel ripping through my already wrecked body; and that was what I craved. I was and am addicted to destruction.

Love is unforeseen.
Love strikes at any moment undetected.
Love happens when trading back and forth poems.
Love happens as you cuddle.
Love happens when you are dancing.
Love happens as you laugh in unison.

Love happens;
As you "lean wit it, rock wit it".
As you hold the person most important to you.
As you look within their eyes,
and see another life.
As you meet them for the first time.
As your lips finally touch.

Love is;
The warmth within when you see his/her eyes.
The loneliness you feel when he/she leaves.
The chills down your spine when he/she is in pain or hurt.
The greatest connection one can cherish between another human being.

Love is never lost.
Whether death cuts in between.
Whether the world ends.
Whether the damage is unrepairable.
Whether time has separated you both.
Love is never lo...
Love is nev...
Love is...

Wasted years on toxicity
Broken promises
Lies and scandal
Used and tossed aside

Made out to be a villain but actually the victim
Helpless and hopeless
Destined to be

Unrepairable damage

c.m.l.

I wish I could smile,
but you took that from me.
You broke me,
and shattered me into a million pieces.
You can never put me back together.
I'l never be the same,
because now I'm broken,
and I'll never be fixed.

Heart Broken!
Holly’s Story:

Snow swirled around the misty,dark forest as i walked through carefully.Dead leaves crunched and the wind blew heavily.Trees swayed from side to side,shaking colourful leaves onto the ground.Red,orange and green.The colours of the beautiful Autumn.I was alone,listening to the birds sing their sad,melancholy tunes as they flew past.Cold air blew against my back.I shuddered.And turned to the icy footpath.I skipped along merrily,chasing the little birds as i went.The dark approached and i found it harder to see where i was but i still happily played with the squirrels and robins as i walked home.

It was now pitch black outside and i completely lost where i was.I continued nervously.My heart beating fast.As i was walking i could hear footsteps moving towards me.I stopped and listened.The footsteps seemed to be getting closer to me and approaching more quickly.I turned around but couldn’t see anything.Then i tripped.I stood back up.As i was about to run something grabbed my arm and pulled me.Who was it?Where is it taking me?I scream.

I tried to wriggle however the hands gripped more tightly and and stayed firmly against my small,cold arms.A couple of minutes later,i stopped wriggling as i started to feel extremely tired and soon i fell asleep,breathing in the cold air.

The beautiful sun awoke me and i stood up,brushing the Autumn leaves off my ripped,muddy jeans.I walked through the hanging branches and shadowed trees.Something was moving in the distance.I concentrated hard and saw a dark figure moving towards me confidently.As it approached i could make out a face.It’s eyes as blue as the ocean and features pale.It stared at me with an expression of hatred and loathing.It was wearing dark clothes and was extremely thin.

It moved from behind the shadowed trees and i started to recognize it.My ex-boyfriend.He looked sad but he glared at me with hatred.It seemed like he wanted some sort of revenge on me but it was hard to tell as he also looked sad.As if he wanted to tell me something but just couldn’t bring it into words.

It all started last summer.It was the hottest day of the year.The sun beamed its hot rays and smiled cheerfully at the playful children.I walked through the grounds of the house to the lake.There stood Alex.I placed the flowers on the fountain side and picked up the vase.”Here,i’ll help you,”Alex said as he tried to grab hold of the vase.”No,no,i can do it.”i replied.He continued to pull,insisting that he should help and…The vase smashed into tiny pieces.I cried,”Now look what you have done!”I leapt into the lake to fetch the pieces.Soaked i climbed out and walked back to the house.I turned around,he was still there and looked shocked as if he didn’t know how to react.To some people it may have seemed silly but it was a really valuable vase of my granddad's and the only thing i had to keep as memories of him.And it is now unrepairable.

It was mid-afternoon and our servant,Becky was cooking a roast dinner for my older brother,Max,who was returning
home from Cambridge University.No one was in the mood for a hot meal when it was already extremely hot.Alex sat next to me at dinner.It was awkward as no one knew what to say.I was still really upset with him.

He phoned me and messaged me after that saying that if i let him help it wouldn’t break.I started to ignore him for weeks and he said,”we can’t stay together if we are not even talking,it wouldn’t be right,i’m sorry!”

I know i should just forgive him but it upsets me too much.He walked further out of the forest and stared at the sky.It feels like he might be trying to bring back the happy memories we had together before we split up.I still think about it sometimes and feel sorry for him that he is so heart-broken.I just can’t quite explain it to him.

Alex’s Story:

Watching the distance between us both when we used to be so close just breaks my heart.I think back to all the memories we had together and happy things we done and just wish it could still be like that now.If only Holly understood how much it means to me.I sit on the snowy bank and the dead Autumn leaves and write in my spotty note book.

“It’s hard to believe

That you no longer

Care about my feelings,

Knowing that we

Were once so

Close to each

Other.

Why can’t the

Bond we had

Still be there?

Sitting in the

Darkness,

Remembering the

Happy times we

Once shared,

I hate the

Distance that

There is

Now between

Us.

Why don’t you

Understand?

Why don’t you

Care.”

I then put my notebook in my pocket and alone i stay in the cold,dark forest.Maybe one day Holly will understand.

A few years later!

I still go past Holly’s house sometimes to remind myself of all the happy memories that we shared.I never see her anymore though now that i am a famous Poet and Author.We never got back together even though i really wish we did.I love visiting the area Holly lived with the beautiful flowers and colourful leaves surrounding the forest and all the cute,little animals that sing their sad songs of Autumn.It’s peaceful! But sad! The magic that Holly brought to it is no longer there and i’m always there alone now so it isn’t as special as the times i spent with Holly.The wildlife no longer moves cheerfully in the wind and the leaves don’t have their sparkle that they used to have.Even the snow doesn’t swirl around the dark sky anymore.Everything has changed.

There is only one thing that keeps me going and that keeps me going and that is my books i write.Without them i would be trapped inside my own thoughts and sad memories.

I desire to create,
What remains unperceived,
Unrepairable faith in it's authentic self,
Unscathed by anothers opinion or morals,
Their hopes and desires,
The birth of such a rebellious idea remains unearthed,
I want it raw,
But God despises it,
The idea of being challenged,
So all left of my thoughts is the binding vision of tomorrow,
A vision of hope,
That ensues an ameliorating repercussion on my mental capacity,
Concluding the idea of a saviour,
And Of my passion and greed,
Greed to learn something I shall never master,

Unwish readings, rapists, unrepairable rips,

I wish to undo
the space between
me(                                          )you

and where I once wrapped my thighs around your hips
and the whistling trill of my sleeping breath once felt a home in the



cavernous space




between your head and your breast

and I
and I

found shelter in your curls,
pulling until they escaped from me, undone.

Mussed love, entombed in the perfumed past of white rooms by untouched oceans
and unsullied books, too occupied by the wonder found in each other, each others' bodies

and I lie awake with the ghosts
in haunting of my own accord and I watch at the window
                                                      and I watch at the window
                                                      and I watch at the window, waiting

I wonder
I wonder

could you need me, still,

now?

And I love you with every inch of my being
Though it sounds cliche
It couldn't be more true.

When you left, I shattered.
Clenching my teeth and tightening my bones
To keep from falling apart

There was so much happiness
So much I should've appreciated
So much I loved but never knew

Now we just might be an unrepairable vase
Left in pieces on the ground
Too broken to put the pieces back together

But I love you.
I love you so much my heart feels as if it is being consistently beaten with a hammer
I love you so much I am crawling out of my skin waiting for you to come back

And if I weren't afraid of looking so desperate
I'd beg you to give it another chance
We could be greater than we were
We could love stronger than before.

Old people become like children.
They need care & monitoring.

Broken & unrepairable.
Intolerable & unbearable.
Stained, torn, & unwearable.

Empty & no longer full.
Anger takes you like a raging bull.
Motivation pushes & pulls.
Through & behind locked doors.
Solid brick walls coward's hide from us all.

Guilt has shame.
Responsibility blames.
Isolated & insane.
Somethings stay the same.
Sometimes people, places, or things change.
Somehow all becomes strange.
Memories rearrange.
Ambitions & goals get deranged.
Shattered dreams are pained.
Credit is unfamed.
Wild hearts are never tamed.

Fallen through the cracks like grains of sand.
Your destiny is purified your hands.
You fall where you land.
"Family" has you labeled & banned.
Inspirations & Aspirations are canned.
Your future is never planned.
Traffic flow gets slowed & jammed.
Victims are slandered & slammed.
Innocence gets ******.

Who will shine brightly now that he's gone
Like the candle lights after the funeral
His life was put out.
For some people life will never be the same
Their hearts forever broken.
He could be replaced by none
That boy was someone's son
Someone's friend
But in the end
It didn't matter.
Too scared to go for help
Too alone to cry out "Please someone SAVE me"
Too desperate for an end to see that things would get better.
But you don't care
Because you never recall
Those times in the hall
Him: pinned against the wall
Feeling so small
You: Looking left then right
No teachers in sight.
How could you not see
This young man's desperate plea
For you to just stop.
Everyday you harassed
Made a fool of him
You were so cruel to him.
WHY?
His faith in humanity was destroyed
No longer finding happiness in the things he once enjoyed
The void you made in his soul
Unrepairable
His life was so terrible and unbearable...

So he took it.

He left no note
No reason
But like leaves after the changing of the seasons
He had fallen.
Years later



His memorial coated in dust
Just a faint memory of him remained
Stained by your association
Frustration building in those he loved
Shoved reasons that made no sense
Intense questions remained unanswered

And because of you





They never will...

I pound the pillow, curse the clock and mock injunctions to rest.

The sun finally rises and its rays slantwise fall through the curtains as I dry my hair.

A meal, like a forced dose, we soak ourselves in wasted, nervous time.

Finally! We arrive at the competition...

Tension is here and tireless pressure.

The players waiting stiff as straw, tongues playing over dry lips.

Teachers and coaches unapologetic in their pallor.

Music drifts behind us and occasionally gasps as imperfections play like daring circus tricks.

The sparkling prodigy returns disappointed, grimace of a smile, stricken, he stares away as we search for words, oh! clumsy, unrepairable prince!

Suddenly, its time and I wonder why we are hurrying, feeling weak, momentarily frightened to go there.

On this stage in this great, hushed hall, enormity suddenly dawns with mass enough to crush me.

At last I sit before this odd Steinway music machine - my dearest mechanical friend.

A tremble resisted - the reward of mortal afternoons - endless practices fruit.

Eyes closed I prepare my best self - pushing all fear, all doubt, to the margins - and begin.

I hope, to recreate, one note at a time, Chopin's ancient impact - with hands flying, like tethered birds, I hammer out his timeless melody explosions, his streams of crazily exact math exam fiery semiquaver motions.. then, almost suddenly, I'm done.

I stand, joyously, nearly crying.. The world hasn't ended.