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Stephanie Mar 2019
Nights like tonight I'm stuck
In this never ending loop
Cant get free
No matter how hard I try
My past wont let go
I will always be that little girl naked, trembling, terrified
Nights like tonight
I ask why did you steal my soul
When you touched my body
How could I just lie there
And let you
Again and again
Nights like tonight I beg for relief
Will I ever be able to forgive myself
Can I stop seeing that reflection
Get the sound of your breath,
The smell of your sweat
The weight of your body
Out of my head
Nights like tonight
I wonder will I ever be whole
Or is all of this suffering eternal
Nights like tonight
I just wish for the end
Stephanie Dec 2018
I scream
I shake
I *****

Its just a nightmare

He is grabbing my hair
He is holding me down
He is pulling off his pants

Its just a nightmare

It feels so wrong
It hurts so bad
It lasts for eternity

Its just a nightmare

I wake up
He is no longer here
It is over

Its just a nightmare

Can't let go
Can't stop crying
Can't move on

Its just a nightmare.....
Sometimes the memories come as dreams and they feel so real and then come the body memories with them and it is a recipe for ptsd panic attack hell
Stephanie Oct 2018
I let you take me
Every inch of my body excited
Every inch of my soul terrified
Every touch another shock
My skin is electrified
My mind on fire
I hated being forced
But this, this isnt the same
This pain it is as real
But in a different way
My mind cant except it
Yet my body craves it
They hurt me and i was scarred
You hurt me and I fligh
On waves of ******
Trembling at your breath
Jumping at your touch
I hated being forced
How can I love to submit
As a **** survivor and victim of childhood prostitution exploring my sexuality can very difficult and scarey at times and this poem reflects on recent experiences
Stephanie Sep 2018
I thought you were there for me
I thought you cared for me
I opened up
Bore my soul
If that wasnt enough
I undressed for you
Shared by body
Maybe you couldn't touch
But I saw your pleasure
And gave you mine
So close to me
Even though
You were so far away
I told you everything
From darkest corners of my soul
You were so attentive
Your kindness scared me
I backed away
And then I crawled back to you
Too little
Too late
I hurt you when I left
And now I have been hurt
Does your pain feel better now
Now that you have lashed out at my deepest secret
Will you rest easy
As I cry myself to sleep
Stephanie Sep 2018
Why me
Why now
Why again
I'm not a little girl anymore

I didn't mean to get that drunk
I didn't mean to pass out
It was my friends house
We had been friends for so long
I should have been safe there
I wasn't
I over did it
I got sick
I passed out
I woke up
He was on top of me
Inside of me
I was too drunk to fight
Pretended not to wake up
I felt everything he did
Heard every sound he made
Smelled his sweat
And my blood

Why me
Why now
Why again
I'm not a little girl anymore

He finished
I passed back out
Woke up the next day
Can't scrub myself clean
Cant forgive myself
Haunted all over again

I didn't mean to get that drunk
I didn't mean to pass out
Why me
Why now
Why again
I was ***** again 6 days ago on the night of my birthday
Stephanie Aug 2018
It hurts so bad
Not the pain of today
Not even the pain of yesterday
Maybe the pain of a lifetime ago
Not any less
Definitely more
My adult mind is realing
Punishing the little girl I was
The little girl who accepted so much
Fought so little
Torn apart by what I could have done
Beaten down by what i should have done
Terrorized by what I didnt do
Haunted by what I did
I survived
I am alive
But when will I start living
Stephanie May 2018
Love lost
This day aches my soul
I thought you were the one
I thought you knew me better than I know myself
I told you everything
Bore my soul
This betrayel burns deep
searing the heart within me
Yet through my tears
I stand tall
I know I am strong
Hurt by so many
Shattered time and again
I always put the pieces back together
Today i cry for You
Tomorrow maybe the same
But then
I move on
Time has shown me again and again
I am my only true friend
My one true love
will remain
Today ended my 8 year relationship
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