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Stephanie Mar 2019
Nights like tonight I'm stuck
In this never ending loop
Cant get free
No matter how hard I try
My past wont let go
I will always be that little girl naked, trembling, terrified
Nights like tonight
I ask why did you steal my soul
When you touched my body
How could I just lie there
And let you
Again and again
Nights like tonight I beg for relief
Will I ever be able to forgive myself
Can I stop seeing that reflection
Get the sound of your breath,
The smell of your sweat
The weight of your body
Out of my head
Nights like tonight
I wonder will I ever be whole
Or is all of this suffering eternal
Nights like tonight
I just wish for the end
Stephanie Dec 2018
I scream
I shake
I *****

Its just a nightmare

He is grabbing my hair
He is holding me down
He is pulling off his pants

Its just a nightmare

It feels so wrong
It hurts so bad
It lasts for eternity

Its just a nightmare

I wake up
He is no longer here
It is over

Its just a nightmare

Can't let go
Can't stop crying
Can't move on

Its just a nightmare.....
Sometimes the memories come as dreams and they feel so real and then come the body memories with them and it is a recipe for ptsd panic attack hell
Stephanie Aug 2018
It hurts so bad
Not the pain of today
Not even the pain of yesterday
Maybe the pain of a lifetime ago
Not any less
Definitely more
My adult mind is realing
Punishing the little girl I was
The little girl who accepted so much
Fought so little
Torn apart by what I could have done
Beaten down by what i should have done
Terrorized by what I didnt do
Haunted by what I did
I survived
I am alive
But when will I start living
Stephanie May 2018
Love lost
This day aches my soul
I thought you were the one
I thought you knew me better than I know myself
I told you everything
Bore my soul
This betrayel burns deep
searing the heart within me
Yet through my tears
I stand tall
I know I am strong
Hurt by so many
Shattered time and again
I always put the pieces back together
Today i cry for You
Tomorrow maybe the same
But then
I move on
Time has shown me again and again
I am my only true friend
My one true love
will remain
Today ended my 8 year relationship
Stephanie May 2018
Dont open my eyes
Dont move a muscle
Pretend to sleep
Hope with all my might
Just leave me alone
I dont want to be touched
I dont want to be for your profit
I am just a good little girl
I am not your slave
I am not your toy
I want more
I want my freedom
I can't take this pain inside
Are you done yet
The blood on the sheets
The blood on my legs
Remind me what a good little girl I was for you
I hate you
I hate myself more
I want to be strong
I want escape
I want to tell
I never will
These secrets
This pain
This fear
I will carry to my grave
Like a good little girl
Based on my experience in childhood prostitution
Stephanie May 2018
My chest is heavy

Calm down you say

My breathing is rapid

      It's no big deal you say

My heart is racing

     What's the problem you say

My words are caught in my throat

     She wants attention you say

My head is spinning

     She is being dramatic you say

My whole body is trembling

     Why do you act like that you say

My tears won't stop falling
      Don't act so weak you say

My screams echo inside my head

      It's just another day you say

My mind broken and realing

      You're so bothered by little things you say

My heart is shattered, unrepairable

Why do you say all these things you say
When you have experienced a trauma that leaves you with ptsd any little thing can be a trigger
Stephanie May 2018
I lay here trembling
A smell lingers in my nose
Tears roll down my cheeks
A breath on my neck
Will not close my eyes
A ruff hand holding me too tight
I can't breathe
A grave voice in my ear
I'm falling apart
It never ends

— The End —