I had held in my hands,
The bitter shards of my heart.
I had thrown them away,
To be forgotten in the dust.

I had cried for an answer,
A solution
A plan
A direction
A reason why I failed.
I had seen no road other than alone.

In my self-hate,
I had lashed myself,
For my ignorance and naievety.
For being a fool in love.

And then,
I found a light space in my soul,
I glimmer of warmth.
A handhold out of the dark.

I found a comfort in your smile,
A place where I fit in your hand.
A safety in your arms.

I want to say to you,
That you had brought into my life,
Something I had thought was lost
And I was never to find again.

I have peace,
That I am safe with you.
That I can trust your smile.
That I can believe your words.
That your hands are for care,
Not pain.

Thankyou,
For being in my life.
You make me happy.

the landing has an unpleasant smell,
started the day before yesterday, warm weather.

air freshener spent, we use cheap perfume
from aldi. is my house not clean ? remember
this smell of old. some wee creatured done died
in the loft, floor boards, some which place.

i have spent hours looking for the body, to take to
the church yard gently, spent time spraying
madame glamour, my daughter.

know with time, it will fade, pass as all
things.

I found last years birds nest yesterday,
twined with horse hair.

the field is empty now.

one swallow.

sbm.

It was a momentary encounter
Just a momentary thought
A moment which was wasted
A moment that didn't matter

I pushed myself into the hands of another mistake
I pushed myself into another ditch full of fire and thorns
I said I didn't really care
But in that moment, I didnt know that secrete was there

Am I now on the sideline
Or am I just one big waste
Am I just someting you once wanted that you couldn't have?
Am I just too hard to get and you don't think I'm worth the fight?

Although I'd never kiss you
Although I'd never want to be with you
I just wanted that feeling...
Of being wanted.

now it boxing day and the bargains they are on
got to get there early before the bargains gone
standing in a cue waiting in a line
hope that its not raining and the weathers fine
waiting there for hours standing patiently
hoping that theres someting thats there left for me
until then i will wait for what i am looking for
take home with me until boxing day once more

Stay calm.
Stay calm.
Stay calm.

Stay pink.
Pink is calm.
Calm is peaceful and useful.

To stay calm,
Look at someting calm.
Or pink.

Or pink.
Look at something calm,
To stay calm.

Calm is peaceful and useful.
Pink is calm.
Stay pink.

Stay calm.
Stay calm.
Stay calm.

Breathe me in like your last cigarette,
because you swear you're going to quit,
as the smoke swirls past your head
and heads east.

Drain my cup like the last coffee
you pour yourself, even though it's 11 pm
and you really should go to bed soon
because you never sleep enough.

Color between my lines like you tried
to show your little sister, when she stole
your colored pencils and scribbled
all through your sketchbook.

Give me the kind of attention you give
sunset on the beach,
because someting about it makes time stop
and brings you peace.

Love me,
even though the only time you ever thought
love just might be more than a façade or a con
left you detached and empty.

Love me,
because I promise
I'm already trying
to love you.

her patience was starting to wear thin, impatience growing as one of the pervs from the table across his eyes preying on her. she gave him the finger and her hardest glare.

where the hell are you  she typed out, texting him

be there in ten i kinda just got out of bed...sorry

she just sighed looking out the glass panes that gave a view of the busy street, letting her thoughts wander. sam was waiting for her bestfriend, noah to show up. she was going to help him find a flower shop that caters black roses. he was going to give it to jean, the girl of his dreams as he liked to call her (sam just knew how much of a cliche he was underneath; they barely had a conversation in which he didn't insert her-sam stuck up with it and listened to him, always assuring him that he's going to get her who wouldnt)

"sorry im late" he says, panting as he arrives, varsity jacket slung in his arms

"you owe me" sam says cooly, ignoring the drum pounding in her chest. he looked like he always did; and gave off the same effect to all the girls in town (he had quite a following though he didn't mind)

playfully he rolls his eyes at sam and the two walk their way into his beat up camaro (which was very good at overheating and taking too long to start)

"bet this thing would come up with its tricks again" sam started with their usual banter

"oh hell no it's got my back"

"your flat back"

"my bootiful ***"

sam scoffed "wanna bet?"

"game on" noah smugly retorts with the smug smirk on his face that showed off his angelic structures

"on three two....." sam had her fingers crossed please don't work please don't

noah tried gunning the engine a few more times, turning the key into the hole over and over again but the engine kept dying. he tried for one more time;it was a miracle that it did. he faced sam who's face turned down into a frown. "ha you owe me now"

"i owe you none" she says slumped in her seat though deep inside she was enjoying this. their friendship had alot of these immature playfulness which she usually started.

"just buy me an extra waffle cone and we're even"

"*******"

noah laughed and sam heard the lilt in his laugh that she grew fondly of. they drove off the road with only the radio to filter the silence for a while. sam started tracing patterns on the car window.

she felt something for noah and it wasn't something she expected, neither was it something she was looking for. the first time they ever interacted was in a class they both had. his eyes had that mischievous spark that day and  he wore a devilish grin-sam thought he was the perfect guy to turn into one of her casualties or better yet get his heart broken. but all they did after class that day was hangout and drive around town. sam was quite shocked with the numerous things they have in common. since then, they've meant alot to each other. although it was different for sam. sometime in their friendship she started feeling something for him, someting more than friends do .she hated it; the thought of it made her want to rev her guts out;

she was never the type to like guys or girls and fantasize about them being together or even feeling the same way. she was the type of girl who played with guys for a night (a week was her longest) whenever she felt like it. she toyed with their hearts and felt satisfied when she saw them with tears in their eyes. she felt no remorse for leaving them in the gutter. she was never vulnerable  she was a heartbreaker. she was that type of girl. but with noah it was all different, it was all new. it was like being on the other side of the spectrum

it frustrated her, all of it. most of all the fact that she couldn't do anything about it. she couldn't just steal him away from jean especially now that he stood a chance. plus, he was serious about her, sam could tell-even if she tried making moves on him, he'd leave because that wasn't how he knew her-they went so well together: her being on the cheerleading squad with her perfect friends and her perfect grades, perfect life ahead and him being the quarterback of the football team and the perfect college waiting for him, heir to his father's company someday-they were the power couple. they deserve each other sam thought bitterly. she could be one of the "perfect" girls in her school if she tried. but she didn't, didn't find the need to because why bother? she'd rather be on the outside and deal with her own company and just resurface whenever she felt like it. he had dreams;she didn't. she was just a heartbreaker, a mess.

yet she didn't want to lose noah; couldn't lose noah-it wasn't a risk she was willing to take. around him she let down the high walls she usually was encaged in and instead had vine trellises wrapping around her almost as if caressing her. it wasn't like in the movies but it was a **** cliche which she felt in gradual waves.she could hear wind chimes in the edges of her nicotine corrupted lungs whenever she was with him and none of the nails splintering against board in the emptiness of her house she felt in the dark while her sister slept soundly in the next room, none of the stale unfamiliarity of her mother working herself thin in her round the clock shifts, staggering home the next morning smelling like alcohol. she felt something other than the hollow in her stomach when she's out partying with strangers, the bass sounding too much like her heart breaking and her existence decomposing. she felt none of the filth she did when she slept with guys and let them make love with their exes through her body. she felt none of all the ugliness, heard none of the monsters' calls. noah made her feel pure. made her feel bliss. there was no irony, no catches, no waiting for the other shoe to drop in what they shared.

some days she's accepted that they'd always remain platonic, that it was better for them to stay this way. but today wasn't one of those days, for it was one where she wanted nothing but to plant her lips against his and make him tell her that he feels the same, for him to wrap her arms around her and bury her face in the crook of his neck, drown in all their memories, become the memories become an us. it wasn't love but he made her feel loved.

her daydreams were cut short when noah parked the car infront of the flower shop near the outskirts of town. she smoothed her hair as noah opened the car door for her. she felt her palms sweat, immediately telling her brain that he was really just sweet and it's jean that he likes stop spewing up hurricanes and thunders for every sweet thing he does.

"so first stop"

"i still don't get why you can't just buy her a bouquet of plain roses and spray paint it black. i'll help out yknow" she replies in her usual mocking way as they enter the shop, the floral fragrance enveloping them.

"because you gotta put all your effort and your heart to get her"

"yeah right, hey you gotta put effort in spray painting too yknow like shaking the can and making sure the roses are all covered. we can cover your heart in black paint as well if we still got any left" she replies sarcastically as they start perusing for black roses.

he rolls his eyes at his best friend, throwing one of the discarded dandelions at her direction. she picks one up and throws it at him quickly. it was only a matter of minutes til they were both on the floor laughing, sneezing in intervals, dandelions scattered around them. the florist scolded them when he saw the mess they caused and made them pay for a daisy and a petunia boquet that was haphazardly upturned in their rowdiness-no black rose in sight.

sam laughed as noah took out his wallet and paid the florist who's face was now red. she heard him mutter a sheepish apology and for a moment, she allowed or tried to let herself get lost in the fact that she and her bestfriend were spending the day together she tried to forget that she was spending the day with him to help him be with the girl that he likes.

I say, come out here and smell the air
just know the truth, it's no proverb
we'll walk in the same direction
an alliteration of great affection
let's become someting else
a new letter in the alphabet
one not needed but sure to bet
euphemisms to this bland world
a hyperbole for us to hurl
think and feel and get to see
a portmanteau of you and me
it may be a cacophony
enjoying the sun in a balcony
but in the end its all like this
no order in front, below or above
a sweet oxymoron
individuals falling in love

The barn door creaked open, and I faced it like a scared rabbit, my breath panting, short and rapidly.

The silhouette figure of Jim stood there, his strong, distinctive voice calling out, "Mary?"

I couldn't respond like I wanted to. Maybe I should of just stood there and hid in the darkness and he would leave. I felt so cowardly and so ashamed of myself.

"Mary! Are you in in here?"

"Yes, I'm here", I replied nervously, my voice shaky. I couldn't stop my lip from quivering, even though the darkness of the night hid it from full view. Trying to look brave, I quickly asked Jim, "You got a smoke?"

Where did that come from? I never smoked before, even when Sue and all her friends did it. How they used to make fun of me for refusing a cigarette! Now here I was blutting out things that never would have come out of my mouth before.

Firm and steady, Jim held the match to my cigarette, but my hand shook so badly that he looked at me intensely. Soon, I feared that I would faint if he did not look away.  In the warmth of the flame, he eyes flickered, and I felt goose bumps rise upon my skin.

He steadied my hand for me, and I took a weak puff upon my Lucky Strike. "What's the matter?", he asked "You look like you saw a ghost. You're shaking from head to toe!"

"I'm just cold", I lied.

In a flash, Jim wrapped his jacket around me, and in another flash, his reassuring arms were folded around my waist as he pulled me close to himself.

Now my knees were really ready to give way. Thank God that he had me in his grip, for I would have fallen for sure. I looked out into the darkness, it nearly pitch black if not for the tip of my burning cigarette.

Sue stood there, hands on her hips in her cocky way. "Don't be such a baby!", she warned. "Relax, or it'gs going to hurt a lot worse!"

I shuddered. Why did I have to think of her! My sister!

Reluctantly, I asked her for advice this morning. She was the only one who knew where I really was tonight. Oddly enough, she was the only one I could trust to keep her mouth shut. To Sue, snitching was something only weaklings and losers did, and she was neither. We were not close sisters, but I realized if anybody knew anything about anything, it was Sue.

So maybe I was a baby, just a step away from dolls as far as my sister was concerned. Yet here I was, on the edge of a fate that was supposed to make me a woman, that made me desirable to a full-grown man. Who cared about Sue now anyway? I imagined her just slipping away, becoming smaller and smaller.

Jim's comforting arms, his wondrous touch--I felt his warm breath against my cheek, his fingers work magic upon my back.

But someting was terribly wrong.

I was pulled into it too fast. It was not me standing there as his deep kisses engulfed me into my make-believe fantasy. As Jim overpowered me, I should have been on the top of the world. I should have felt beautiful, felt like I meant something.

I tried to stop, to pull away, to refuse to go any further. All along I thought of what I should tell him.  I don't want to do this! Stop! I can't stay here with you. I really like you, but I can't! Will you let me just go back home, please?"

Instead, I could not find my voice, or my footing. He was going too far. It was all going too fast, on a runaway freight train which I had no way to jump off from . I felt too weak, too overwhelmed, embarassed just to push him away. Blood rushing into my temples, I felt myself spinning as the room was spinning, spinning out of control like that crazy, old iron rooster skating about in the wind on top of the barn.

Jim lay me down so easily as he placed himself on top of me. For that awkward moment, I did not want to be there, so I removed myself from the situation the best that I could. In the remaining time we were together, fear ruled as I shut my eyes and expected the worst.

Finally, I did find my voice. My scream was so piercing, lough enough to knock that rooster off its bearings from up above. It was as if my soul had been pierced too, torn right down past the flesh and through a writhing pain of guilt and sorrow.

Like a woman in heavy labor,  at last I knew what my sister was talking about. The rip and tear of my innocence seemed so gone away from me. Just like that.

All I could do was wimper like a puppy, the illusion of what love was shattered before my eyes. Pulling away from me, I swore that Jim  gave me a look of suspicion and anger, one that I would never forget.

From the gaps in the roof came enough exposure to shed a few rays of moonlight. I lay there as Jim harshly grabbed me by the shoulders.

"How old are you!?, he demanded

"Fifteen", I admitted, meekly.

For a moment, he just sat there, stunned. The moment felt like a lifetime to me. What was he going to do? Slowly, he bagan to shake his head in disbelief.

Then abruptly he rose up. "You're bad news!", he concluded. He grabbed his jacket, took off, and left me with words that would hurt and sting far more than our encounter together.

What occurred after that seemed like slow motion. The night seemed to last and last, in punitive judgment, as it took me a while to leave that spot, my knees curled up to my chest in a fetal position.

Eventually, I did rise up, fix myself up and headed for home--only because my stomach was growling.

But I did not feel hungry.

I tried to imagine what Sue would say after she pulled the truth out of me. You know you are still a ****** if you couldn't go through with it! She'd have that superior, smug look on her face. And ****** if I was going to feel small in her presence!

I went through the kitchen door of my house. The dawn barely breaking after the dark hours, so punishing and so long.

To my surprise, there was my father's voice from behind his favorite armchair. "You came home from Janey's house sooner than you said", he commented, startling me back to reality. "Much earlier than I expected", he added, almost as if to say, "It's nice one of you girls listens to your dear, old dad".

That was enough to bring about a true confession, a flood of repentant tears. But turning around, as I made my way upstairs, I forced a weak smile.

Yet, what I really wanted to do was turn around and run right into his lap and pour out my heart. That would be the fantasy of a child, and I fought off the urge .

I did not know what I was anymore. Still a girl? A sucker? At that moment, I felt like I did not even exist, numb and shocked to the core.

Sue met me in the hallway and started to ask me in eager whipsers, "Ok, did you do it? How was he?"

I shoved her down on the floor so quickly that she couldn't believe it. "I couldn't get enough!" , I sneered at her, my fist curled up, ready for another comment from her. Our eyes met, and mine were so steely that her reaction shocked me.

Sue never saw me this way, and lay there before me, speechless.
  
I got away and made it to my seclusion. Before the bathroom mirror, at last I was safe. The tears fianlly came as I studied myself closely. There was no sound, only silent, long, wet tears.

Who now stood before me was different than who she was before, and I mourned the loss of my innoence.

A week can start with blue
And end in red
A look can start at my feet
And end at my head
A day can start on the street
And end in my bed
A journey can start with a birth
And end when you're dead

Red hair
Everywhere
The water bleeding through the fabric of you
Red hair
Everywhere
I'm not sure if it's good or bad
But there's someting about you

I understand that you are shocked
I know you are confused
But say something
Please
Say something

When you say nothing
Just get out and shut the door
A million possibilities go through my mind

Will he tell everyone?
Will he ever see me the same?
Does he hate me?

I had expectations for your reaction
Yelling
Crying
Blaming me for something I have tried to change
But your reaction is silence

And trust me, I have tried to change it
Tried to starve it out
Cut it out
Deny every feeling

Until i felt nothing

Nothing
Just like your reaction

I cannot answer questions you do not ask
I cannot reassure your concerns if you do not voice them
I can do nothing if you give me nothing

My sense of self was put at your feet
But you walked away
True, you didn't stomp on it
But you did not pick it up
You left me on the ground
Now i'm here.
Waiting.

Just please

Say someting

just wait until the black night falls,
your sticky blood held in veins,
thins out into an alcoholic vapeur,
& your body starts burning to touch

screaming out the name of the ones
who’ll return your frenzied call,
just as soon as bodies bloat the street
like bruises on peachy virigin flesh

the feverish buzz infects your gut,
from torrid twilight until doeish dawn,
stupid, angry, hungry, *****, high,
the monstrous id claims your reigns

the cable connection,
the electric persuasion
the hellish hunger
& ****** stimulation

you’ll hop the wall, ride the wave,
& dance with Death, song for song
sell the Devil your youth for a taste
of ambrosia: someting better than life

My parents often ask me, why are you so stressed, why are you so depressed, . . . . . why are you so . . . crazy?
Here and now I am going to answer that question.

1. stress

The main reason I stress is from responsibility.
RESPONSIBILITY
The word makes me go insane
All of it causes pain.

Sibilings, five younger sibilings,
they all have their things.
they each have someting that either causes me a responsibilty or stress, because its a constant worry, love.

School, all eight classes,
you expect aces.
I can't be perfect, but you want me to be, and that is a huge responsibility.

Home, all of it,
every single bit.
A home requires everybody to have a responsibility.

2. deppresed

The main reason i am often sad, mad, or a mixture of both is that you wouldn't accept me.
NO ACCEPTENCE
To know that you would hate me,
stops me from being free.

Gender, i hate it,
why do we label ourselfs why dont we quit.
I just want to be free and ya'll dont like that, so i can't.

Sexuality, mine is different,
and you would accept it.
The world is different why cant you see that, why is different bad?

Religon, the worst of all,
the lectures make me feel so small.
You force and force and it makes me wat t be farther and farther away.

3. crazy

I am crazy because you dont care.
OBLIVION
You can't see me trying so hard,
the only things you see tears me apart.

I am trying, cant you see,
being perect for you is always who i've been tring to be.
Don't you see me working, all the time, trying to please all of ya'll.

Perfection, its impossible,
nothing can be perfectly aligned on the table.
Why do I have to be your perfect christain daughter who does so well in school while I am unhappy? Why can't I be your unperfect person that follows their dreams and is happy?

- Your unperfect human, Zan.

feels like a re-run,
a cig you ***
when you’re down
on your luck.
something is about to break,
maybe it’s your day
or maybe
it’s just you.

We spill our coffee and reach for the paper towels
We toss tons upon tubs of aluminum cans with the trash each hour
We turn lights on in the middle of the day when the brightest beacon is all we need
We stay glued to televisions evening in and morning out
ANd don't even listen to what they're saying
We sure hear it in the background
Of our cell phone chats and screaming brats
Need Need Need
Is all they say
Day after day
WHy must we need these things so badly
It takes more effort to get ******* and stupid
Than to peacefully sit
And think
About anything in particular
And nothing at the moment
Or something in time
But we do it anyways
Week and week and weak
ANd we wake up the next morning and toss the cans
In a plastic bag
WHich we throw in a bigger can
Which gets picked up by this rolling thundering truck of a thing
That burns more gas than a speedboat
Which is what we're all riding through this life
Rather than paddling down a gentle brook
In a hollowed out tree
Oh wait
We cut all of those down to make more things
Like post it notes we use once
And then toss in another metal can
With another plastic bag
Which as you may guess
Goes on and on in this excessive
And perpetual cycle of total waste
Those trees make pieces of plywood
Which kids paint designs on
And toss ***** back and forth
into more plastic cups
When we could just set our own glasses
Around the place in random spots
And they don't even need to be cups
They could be fishbowls
And you find a small item that does not need to be a ping pong ball it could be a lil toy lion or a seashell or a miniature book
Or an acorn
In fact
Why do we even have houses in the first place
It doesn't rain that often
And when it does
You might as well just climb under a tree
Or duck into a cliff
Or be ******* resourceful
And find a natural solution
Stop buying bag after bag after bag of plastic party cups
Take the ones you already have and make someting fun
You could use them to play a game where you build a palace
By balancing the cups and making walls and such
You can do that with anything you have in your house or outside or wherever you are
Find the fun in things
Think about the infitine number of things you could do with each item you see
We should just sort through our dumps and take evertyhgin and make it into something useful
Stop resource production completely
And live naturally.

sometimes i feel so distant
i even feel like crying
without knowing why
& it makes me feel lost.
i don't want to go back
to the depressing days
when i could hear voices in my head
& had insomnia
neither to have depressed & suicidal thoughts.
i thought i got over it
i thought i overcome it
but no;
i didn't really do.
you can't just overcome someting
that has being with you for years.
maybe you feel better & better
as the time passes,
but depression will still be there
deep inside you
waiting for you to have a moment of sadness
so it can seize you again
& you better be prepared for it
because it can get you
without you expecting it -unexpectedly.

Time is something that wonders by,

meaning nothing, but for our lives.

The great expanse,

the truth untold

It’s all eqations, so I’m told.

Time is someting I’d like to conquer,

in my body and mind,

I’d like to know what Einstein saw after Newton,

In Time.

I’d like to beat the fates at their game,

reveal Plato’s world of ever lasting.

Time came, it went and it’s coming,

it’s now and then and will be – but not forever, at least here.

it conquers death, and life.

Time after all is not  concerned.

So time,

in mystery and rarefied symbolism,

Are you real or just conjured?

Parmenides had you for nought,

Explain the passing moment from now till then,

The change from what is to what isn’t makes the sense your illusion,

maybe you’re static and we’re just pasing,

percptions’ lie and conscious deception.

But, if you really do have dimension,

let it be revealed,

let me turn your hand to my creation,

and make what I haven’t from past sensation.

come a little closer,

that chasm between us is millitmeters long,

hold those thoughts

and listen to a  new song  



come a little closer,

time to see clearer from this heart instead,

lower those eyes

and tilt that confused head



come a little closer,

a little something Ive wanted to share for a while

its time to reveal this delicate kiss

it goes a little someting like this



come a little closer,

lightness and sweetness moving into your depths

holding your heart warm like this

and in this taste of love

a promise...



there is no more chasm

only moments of clarity in

a lover's breath exquisitely complete



come a little closer,

time to see clearer from this heart instead,

lower those eyes

and tilt that confused head



I promise you'll be okay.


Folder: Heart Aesthetics

i'm completely insane im not afraid to do any things you give me to try!i cant function with out my music playing but ill do anything that is crazy.i take thrill seeking rids that last till im called up on the phone saying your insane. that means noting to me cause i already know that! is there any thing this world that can be done cause whats the point if you dont have the exitment in your life to try new things. im insane cause i dont think stupid i think smart before its tested. my parents think im insane cause im not afraid of what the consequesnes that come with the dangerious ideas. im insane cause i think big not small . this world has never showed what my insane mind can build. im insane cause i show no fear cause im willing to make sure the road is safe for my own friends and family.im insane cause im not afraid to prove the skeptics wrong. im insane cause i want to improve this world better with new ideas. im insane cause im not afraid to speak my mind wen my heart starts to cry.
im insane cause i can read a chapter book and build the storie around society.
im insane cause i have so many things to try. im insane cause i have a big heart and im always caring even when things get dark. im insan cause theres no fear when it comes to the new suroundings that blind the beauty in  life as we go. im insane cause ill never let go of what the truth has told me . im insane cause im inovative and mechanicaly inclined. im insane when riots break out i stear the grouyp the right way. away from the danger. im insane cause i only follow what my heart and mind say to. im insane cause my family tells every one im not afraid of what dangers wait for me. im insane cause i'm willing to get answeeres for the hopless who needs to be helped.im insane cause ill risk my life to help you in the most worst conditions. im  insane cause im not afraid to help you fight when your wounded.im insane cause i want more answeres to help societys troubls. my family thinks im insane cause im always crating someting crazy to solve a problem even if its really stupid. my mind is insane cause im not afraid to take things to a new level. every one i know thinks im insane cause i want people to fell free and not traped that slaves them to. people call me insane cause im always working on new things to improve my theriories that might be insane but what if they became the next thin g to work for societys lies. im crazy insane cause theres nothing im willing to try so follow me in my foot stepf and be com what you truly want to speak your mind. speak your mind with me and society will be come opened with ideas to try for future hope . so follow me and we will open a world with ideas that will never be silenced by fear

thank you letting me speak my mind

follow if you dare for change

You loved me so much
You refused to believe who I really am
And you belittled the true me
To make me at your false image of myself

I loved you so much
I started to believe that art, poetry and me
We were becoming really futile
And I lost myself in the process of pleasing you

You didn't understand
And you did not really try
I was not angry then
But I'm just angry now.

Because when I ended it
You lost yourself in the process of leaving me
And you're trying to get to me,
To the idea of me, yourself thought I was

So understand someting:
I am a true independent self
I am a tortured artist, writer and poet
And I ******* love who I became !

The trees they sway
The same way everyday
And i wonder what its like
Their peace, Their harmoney
They have a silent tune
A beautiful melody
One no one can hear
But one that I see

The trees they sway
And i want to feel that way
Their silence has never been so loud
People hear them, People fear them
Something of their unknown draws me in
Something about all the fears

Theres someting about them
Something that i'm not
Something fearless and free
Something above everything

It is the end
The trees will always win
They are something forever

Alone in this world so cold, ice to the heart frozen over. I fight for my chance at happiness failed attempts such sorrow. The lonely wanderer travels the world in search of someting dear only finding empty minded people. Flying high so great shot down from the sky so sad. Alone to die in a world of hurt. Agony bleeds black fading into darkness such terror.

In between reality and the creative//
Caught between what's real and what's right//
The awful feeling of thought keeping you up at night//
Wanting someting so bad, you scream it twice//
But wishing upon a star only goes so far//
It's all about self action//
Self confidence, self awareness//
To me there's no such thing as perfect timing//
You create your own shine//
Craft your own scent//
So that there faces wrinkle when they hear your product//
Middle of a Dream...in the middle of the options//

The sun shone bright
against the clear blue sky
The waves pushed to and fro
making paste from the sand

Seagulls cried to the others ashore
as their shadows shaded my eyes
A cool ocean breeze passed through
oh it feels so grand

I lift my eyes up to the sky as
skin stretches into a smile
I wish to shout but I like it
how I could be here forever

All I can hear is someting that
stands from a mile
A being, no, somebody, no, either way
something kept calling never

It only lingers in my head but
soon I was walking to the body
The water was cold and warm
as it gently licked at my feet

The water was like a friend
inviting me in like I was cloddy
Yet as my toes dug slowly in the sand
my feet walking deeper beneathe

This is very much a situation
I find the ocean to be very funny
And so I laugh
I laugh until my sides hurt

The water is now up to my neck
my body slowly turning gummy
I just stand there
salt clings onto my shirt

The ocean gently rocks me
as it takes me away from the pain
And which I call to life
I will be alright

I really wanted to talk to my friends about it.
Anyone who can understand.
But I just can't do that easily.
Even, I don't know how to talk to myself about it.
I'm shrinking, drowning, floating because I'm dive too deep and there's no home I want to find, stop, and stay for a little while.
I'm lost and homeless.
I'm just scared of start again and find one.
Little bit of trauma that you put it on a drama.

Hai,
I won't find you again.
Not tonight, tomorrow, or two years later.
I wish I found you when we were young and free.
When I'm not so in love with you so I can be cool.
When I'm not so interest of love.
When I'm not with your friend.
Or at least,
I hope this will never happen.
I hope I never find you, meet you, and by coincidence look at to your glazed eyes.
I hope I never know you as much as you know yourself.
I hope I never fall in love.
Because they said,
When there's a fall, there's someting meant to be broken.
Well, it's mine now.

- dlx

when it’s cold and freezing
its not easy believing
that something so simple and pure
could leave you amazed by this form of nature
frozen raindrops on the ground
forming a layer of white and soft

snow

like crystals it glows and
lights up the ground

kids are playing
and it’s obvious they’re having
the greatest time of all

who would have thought
someting so cold
could bright up the world

Tis morning,
my " " key stopped working.
I'm trying to write my paper,
and it's so distracting.

As if I wasn't distracted enoug already.
I ate tis.
But I ave to write my paper.
But at least now I ave someting to blame my distraction on
oter tan you.

This is not a poem, this is a story of a an 83 yr old man, that
got away with lying aboat his actual age, so he could box,
for the light weight Dallas County Iowa, championship.

"Howath is the name and these are my two knock out fists, Gerald
and Ron, and I'm here to sign up for the light heavy weight championship boxing title of Dallas County."

That was my official registration to the County boxing Commisson.
They of course ask me my age and some other questions related to
my boxing experience, to which I lied very convincingly.

By the way, the way to lie convincinly is to literally believe yourself what you are lying about. I had spent hours telling myself the lies I told the Boxing Commission, so they had no doubt about what I told them about my boxing experience. I even had some fake newspaper articles about my boxing experiences that I printed on my home printing press. I'll tell more about this later in this story.

What motivated me o do this, was the current chjampion was the
Grandson of one of my high school class mates that I detested, because h was such a proud blow hard, about every athletical thing
he did, from being a baseball pitcher, a running back football player,
a wrestler and on and on he bragged about himself. One time when
I could not somach his bragging and pompous ay he walked, I confonted him to his face, actually his chin, as that was as close to
his face I stood. He was aout 6' 4'' and I was slightly over 6'. I looked him in the eyes and told him I and every one else in school was sick
and tired of his bragging about himself.

He then sneared a me, reached down and gabbed me by the coller of my shirt, and said. "Why you little dumb pimpsqueet, you aint nothing but a hog raising farm boy!" and shoved me hard against
the hall way wall, so I smacked the back of  my head against it, and
knocked out for a few minutes, long enough for someone dumping a cup full of water on my face to bring me alert. Then ol blow hard
spread it around that I had attemped to hit him and he "just naturally" defended himself and gave me a little shove.

But back to the main part of this story, I had been working out in the city gym, workig on my cardio, thats my breathing. I had been keeping up with my physical condition all of my life, so for an 83 yr old man  I am in good physical shape. I have been punching the heavy bag on daily basis , and have had someone bouncing a heavy medicine ball on my stomach five minutes every day, so I have  those three muscle stand outs on my stomach, tht every body ooos and aaas about.

I also sparred with young boys around 20 and 30 years old, convincing them I was just 28, by my foot work and bobbing and weaving and left hand jabs. I still had a good head of hair, which I
had dyed a light black, which also convinced the boxing commission that I was 38, actually the year I was bornd, 1938

My boxing bout with the young grandson of this high school class mate that I detested, was suppoe to be just a warm up match for him, in preperation for a title fight. He was the Dallas County Light Heavy Weight champion defending his title against some unbeaten
opponant. My goal was to knock him out, and disqualify his title fight.

Oh yes, I neglected to mention my boxing manager, who was a young 62 year old retired boxer. He didn't grow up in
Dallas County, Iowa,  so he had no idea of my bckground age. He came from New York or New something.  I had him convinced that I was just 38 yrs old also. I grew up in a small town called Clive about 60 miles from Des Moines, were the fight was scheduld. Clive was a town with a population of around 2500 when I lived there. Most of the people who knew me are living under ground,
or in a old folks home, so the secret of my age will not be revealed.
,
This grandson of the school mate I detested, is just like his Dad, a smart mouth, bragging, pompous, cocky strutton show boat. He has no idea who I am, but has already started boasting about what he is going to do t me.

"Hey, I'm only 27 yrs old and this old man I'm fighting is 38 yrs old. Somebody will have to help him through the ropes to get in the ring." "What's an old man like him still thinks he is a boxer?

"He ought to be sitting on his back porch, watching the rabbits and squirrels hop around."

"He claims  to be 38 yrs old, I'll knock him out in 38 seconds in round 3."
   ,
He came to the gym when I was working out one morning to scout me out; I put on an act of being slow and winded.

He yelled at me from a few feet away, "Hey old man, my kid sister
has a faster jab then you. You sure you want to fight me?"

My manager walked up to him, and gave him a double arm shove
out the door, so hard he stumbled. "You big mouth punk, crawl
back in the skunk hole you came from."

                           The Big Fight

I was in the ring first, and was warming up wih litle dance steps I had had learned in a dance studio, which I intended to use on him, BTW  his name was Virgil Thornley, but he took pride in calling himself, "V T"=Very Tuff.

He was taking his time coming to get nto the ring,  and when he did decide to enter, he did so with a bunch of short skirted cheer leading girls dancing to loud music being played. When he approched the ring, two of the girls, squatted down on one knee and VT than made a big show of standing on each of their leg, and pushed himself off, tumbling over the ropes onto the ring apron.
amid 40,000 loud cheering fans.

"Enjoy it while you can VT, becaus in about 15 minutes, five three minute rounds, yu're gonna have 40,000 stunned fans looking at you, sprawled half way under the ring ropes, watchng the referee
waving the fight over."
                                ROUND ONE
JT came quickly to the center of the ring with a stupid looking
grin on is face, hands down, swinging back and forth at his waist level.

I took a couple steps towad him, then through him a big surprize,
that stopped him in his tracks. I did a little two step tap dance, and in the few seconds it took him to recover from surprize, I took a quick step toward him and shot out a left jab, purposly hitting
his right eye. Over my years of boxing experience, I developed a
fast twist at the end of the jab. This little twist would tear the skin
producing a cut in the eyebrow, which it did to VT. I don't think he had ever bee cut before by the way he wiped his eye, leaving his face unprotected, of which I took advantage, and smacked him with
another quick jab on his nose, drawing another spurt of blood.

VT wasn't expexcting such an early barrage of attack, and strted back peddling. Once again, I put on my little tap dance,
to a 40,00 applauding, whistling crowd of men, women and teen agers. By now ol VT had no idea what to do with me. He took a quick look over at his corner for help. And when he did I took a big step foward and planed to quick left jabs on each of his eyes.

I heard the fight annoncer telling the radio listners, he had never seen such a show boating boxer like  Howarth is putting
on. He has VT totally confused, not knowing what to do with
him. He came in to this fight as a warm up for his upcoming defensive championship fight with Scrapiron Peel and he is being bloodied and cut up, by what in the boxing sport is considered old, a man close to his 40's but is moving like a 25 or 26 year old. Folks I don't recall Howarth in any past fights, but uh, hang on a moment Howarth is moving around VT, bobbing, weaving and talking to him, I can't quite read his lips, but someting about going down in uh, some round. Meanwhile VT continues to back peddle away from Howath, who is trying to cut him off....Oh! now Howarth stops chasing him and motioned with his hands to come in and fight. There's the bell ending this third round.

There is some kind of commotion going on behind me.... some one wants to tell me something, but is being detained by the police.
Hey officers, let him talk to me. Folks, this is the crasiest night I have ever experienced, let's see what this old man, I'm serious about Old, He mst be  "Uh how old are you, sir?"

"I'm just a couple years younger than Howarth. We  grew up together in Perry, Iowa. I'm 81 years old and that old man in the ring, he was known as "Howie" is 83 years old and...."

"Hold on just jack rabbit minute! Are you telling me, that Howarth,
  what did you call him? Howie, that boxer in the ring,  beating VT, the current light weight Dallas County champion, is 83 years old? Is that what you are saying?"

"Yep, dats whot Im sayng.We growed up t'gether, in da same school t'gether, wrestled and boxed t'gether, and I'm 81 years old and he was alays 2 yars older'n me, so I knows he is 83 yars old.

Folks., getting back to the igh, VT is circuling to his right to get in position to throw is left hook and then is righ overhand knock ut puncht . I think Howie is aware of what VT is trying and keeps circing to his left.


This is the  the round Howarth bragged he would KO VT. VT is coming out in his usual swagering way, Howarth had him intimiated in the first four rounds, with his little dancing jig and blooding his nose and eye. VT wasn't use to that kind of pressure, but his corner manager and some others that joined him, gave him a little pep talk, and so he has regained his cofidence. As usual Howarth, trys his little tap dance aa he approaches VT, it's gotten a little much and no one is cheering it.

I failed to ask you, old man, your name"

"I was known as Scrapieon in Perry, my real ame isRichard Peel.
Yo said dis is da round Howie is going to lower da boom on this young feller?"

"Well that's what he told the fight reporters in the news paper. But frankly, I have doubts that he can do it. Thus far all I've seen from your friend is  a few left jabs. He hasn't used his right in the entire fight."

"Well you just keep your eyes on his right; what yor going to see is a flurry of left jabs, ad out of nowhere his right and will suddenly show up and that will be the end of the fight."

Well folks there is just three minites left i thos round, if Howie is going to KO VT, he is ging tp alf to get more agressie than, oh,Howie just connected with a double left jab, and another one and he had VT weak leggedfromma barrage of jabs. He looks like he is about to go down OH WOW Howie hit him with a straight right hand punch right between his eyes and VT is on the canvas, tryng too ge up, the count is up to 5, 6,7 VT was up at the cnt of 8 bt collapst. The referee is waving the figt over, and tne Dallas County  light heavy weight champion has been kocked out by Howie Howarth in the 5th round just as he predicted.

hello there, didnt see you
actually yeah, i saw you
with your feelings all over
romping and stomping

here, there, anywhere
you write on walls
cardboard and pads
do you want to say someting?
it seems like you do
sadly, this world overflows
with people similar to me
that care enough to hear
but not to listen

you might be this too
as we are mostly twos
theres more out there
morality, ambiguity
duality, promiscuity
cloves flowers and shovels
fires, pyres
death and smiles

i'll stop with love
halt on despair
with black dark sadness
dark sad blackness

stop

theres more to life
shooting stars
constellations, nebulas
mars and moons
time space
and e=mc2

hello? oh...
its ok to walk away
we're all used to this anyway