I remember the cobbled streets
the wide slow brown river, the medieval buildings there
eating fried fish outside in the last of the warm evening
the intricately carved stone cathedral
almost honey, you say
it makes me think there is a God
now the cobbles, the slow waters
the blue sky & you
are a small footnote of ours,
written on my heart
completed with the evening light
I stop and listen………I look around me and see there is no one there.
It is quiet very quiet I can hear myself breathing…..Now. I am feeling,
Feeling this strong pain, but I do not know where the pain is coming from.
All I know that is unbearable. It hurts, it really hurts, and I want it to stop.
I fell to my knees helplessly due to the pain I feel, but I still do not know
Why am I feeling pain? Why does it hurt? Why do I feel weak? Why is it
Happening to me? What did I do to deserve so much hurt and pain?
Then In a split second I realize where the pain is coming from.
I slowly placed my hand on my chest. I can feel a slow beat ….I scream out in terror as the pain increases. The pain! The pain is coming from my chest. But what? What can be causing the pain in my chest? I fell backwards feeling the cold ground. Looking up at the dark sky and the only thing shining on me is the moonlight of the dark blue moon that I see. My vision is starting to turn blurry; I think is because of the pain. I just lay there trying to think trying to figure out what can it be that causing the pain in my chest? What can it be? Then I close my eyes thinking that death will soon reach me. I stay completely quiet. I didn’t even make one sound. I just let the tears flow the wet cold tears run from my face, and then. I remember …. I remember …. I remember what is causing the pain …….how can I forget? Wait! I choose to forget. Because all it brought me was misery and pain ….so much pain so much hurt, but it also brought me happiness and love, but yet Then the same happiness and love turn to grief then it turn into deep really deep scars of pain ….. So now I know why I am feeling pain I try it again I had used it one more time. I had so much hope so much desire, and now ……it left me with pain. it left me with pain. I feel all my deep scars opening again I can feel it penetrating through my chest, and it hurts. It hurt so badly. I just want to die. I just want to rip it out. I just want to take it out my chest. I want it to be gone. I don’t want it anymore. Do you hear me? I don’t want it anymore!
I don’t want to be happy! I don’t want to smile! I don’t want to love! I don’t want to be love! You know why because in the end I will be left alone. I will be left alone with all these painful scars, I will be left alone with the pain that I am feeling now, so please just take it away. Just take it away. I open my eyes one more time to see the moon, but all I saw was darkness just pure darkness, and then. I rip it out. I rip out the thing that was causing all that hurt and pain. That was causing all that suffering and misery. You know what it was. It was my heart ……………..it was my heart. And then I close my eyes and I let the last tears fell from my eyes, and then I died. Right there all alone on that cold floor with my heart in my hand…… all alone.
can you hear that screaming? its the screaming of a girl who tried to drown her demons, without knowing they could swim. its the screaming of a girl in a crowded room, but nobody can hear her cry for help. its the screaming of a girl who wanted to be pretty so she didnt eat.its the screaming of a girl who's friends didnt notice when her eyes no longer sparkled with life.its the screaming of a girl who could no longer be her mommy's perfect girl or daddy's little angel. its the screaming of a girl who had the cruel words spoken to her carved on her arms and legs. its the screaming that has been silenced with a slash on each wrist and a bottle of pills, and six feet of cold dark dirt.
Pain changes you,
but it can also strengthen you
if you are willing to let it.
I know your lost, scared, and confused
stumbling around but you got your feet on the ground
You learned to keep you head up high
They told you just marching soldier
They asked you why the frown
with each step you slowly come undone
And your upset because the battle is not yet done
So you struggle as they beat you down and ask you why the frown
It'd cost millions
in endless renovations
to make the broken home
inside my head a happy one.
I've got furniture blocking up the front door,
I can barely see sunlight shining through the blinds.
Boxes of stuff I never touched for years
lining up near the basement floor.
memories that I want to stay distant memories.
I've got stuff nobody wants,
you could call them cheap hand-me-downs.
People get high and mighty when they're growing up,
testing the limits to their control, what lives they can touch.
Once we fall on our faces we learn though,
the issue is some people don't fall on their face nearly enough.
memories that I wish I could burn in a fire.
but we wouldn't have them if we were brighter.
Let it get to me, let it get in my head.
Give them love...or give them anger instead?
This place is all messed up,
and I don't think I'm gonna change
any time soon.
memories that I want to stay distant memories.
I've got stuff buried deep inside my head.
I won't show you, you can have a lie instead.
The longer that you are with someone the more memories you collect.
Blowing the mind kills the membrane by making them explode.
Bursting through the wall making my memories.
I have been running all over.
Time is running out I am about to explode.
Dumbstruck walking through the door making our memories.
Restrictions will be by passed.
Your door to your heart will be broken and blown away.
All I can do is get ready to explode.
All my memories will be gone, but tell me you won't forget me in your memories.
Old friends became my new friends.
Busting through the door trying to run around in circles.
I always thought I was to bold to save you.
All I want to do is chill out, but the flames to hell are burning me.
I want a ride to civilization, but the only ride I get is a ride to death.
I try and catch myself, but it is always too late.
My memories will be gone and so will you.
My memories our memories.
A pool of blood will separate us.
I don't want to be left alone in the dark.
I won't back down from my memories.
I'll be confessing on the sins of my life when you leave me.
I am the background when you have no one.
I won't get in the way.
I won't surrender until you leave me.
I will never leave my memories until I am dead.
When I need to know my fears I look in the mirror.
The qualifications you gave to me to keep you I will keep until I die I said, but you left me dead.
Nothing exist without the power of love and hatred.
I put all my growing pains aside to see my memories again.
My strange growing pains have killed the people I loved and the things I loved.
We all have the growing pains but God brings growth through are pain.
Revenge I heard of you.
I used to hold a grudge against you.
I use to trip over it.
I used to be young asking all them questions.
I am sorry for putting the blame on you.
It was my fault.
Trying to find myself it was so hard.
I can’t explain the pain that I felt, and I can't imagine what kind of fear and pain all this stuff put you through I am sorry.
The new man is supported by the memories of you being there for me.
The memories I hold are mine and your forever.
You are looking at someone who just died and came back to life.
If it wasn't for you I would be dead still.
All my mercy forgive me.
For if you still leave me I will be here confessing on the sins of my life.
For the memories of you are forever with me now.
The identity that I had wasn't me, I don't know who that was.
I am not you, but I really am sorry for dying and almost losing all my memories of you.
Until then I will be confessing on all my sins in life.