hit the road i’ve been bold talking in my sleep i grit my teeth
walking the streets at night i’ve decided that everything is emptiness everything as i know it, is emptiness how refreshing life is how incredibly refreshing my mind is
my mind is emptiness my heart is emptiness my lust is emptiness my love is emptiness my thoughts, my theories, my ambitions, my abortions, my cheating, lying habits, my dreams, my girlfriends, my world, my room, my hate, my anger, my joy, my pain are all emptiness
nothing happens nothing is a word and words don’t exist the way that i am tied to words is emptiness the alcoholism is emptiness the drugs are emptiness the friends are emptiness my family is emptiness i am emptiness
there is no support, no conflict, no harbored poor emotions, no bold ideas, no sympathy, no death, no life and no person.
thank god, allah, buddha, shiva, abraham, dalai lama, bob dobbs, the cosmos, myself and all those other wonderful concepts that don’t exist because they are mere words.
a big mess grows all the places emptiness goes can't always have a garden, a flower garden a dancing kiss upon a fountain
two tiny feet standing on the fountain two tiny feet, light as air dancing on the fountain where kiss on the cheek is a little unfair
i last saw you there in pictures of what must have felt so weightless
could have been a little more gracious not just some harmful acquaintance
sure as a black hole to fall through moment i met you doing nothing for you
king helpless child my biggest miss all the ways to my emptiness emptiness nowhere to go i've been to the places emptiness goes in this big mess that grows and grows
Neil Young Lyrics
"Flying On The Ground (Is Wrong)"
Is my world not falling down I'm in pieces on the ground And my eyes aren't open And I'm standing on my knees But if crying and holding on And flying on the ground is wrong Then I'm sorry to let you down, But you're from my side of town And I'll miss you.
Turn me up or turn me down Turn me off or turn me round I wish I could have met you in a place Where we both belong But if crying and holding on And flying on the ground is wrong Then I'm sorry to let you down, But you're from my side of town And I'll miss you.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a helpless child Sometimes I feel like a king. But baby, since I have changed I can't take nothing home.
City lights at a country fair Never shine but always glare If I'm bright enough to see you, You're just too dark to care. But if crying and holding on And flying on the ground is wrong Then I'm sorry to let you down, But you're from my side of town And I'll miss you.
f collapse.s: the mantra I am void. I am void. I am void. I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing is destroyed. You yourself collapse.tra I am nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing is destroyed. You yourself built, yourself collapse.estroyed. You yourself built, yourself built, yourself collapse.ads. Emptiness created. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing is destroyed. You yourself built, yourself built, yourself built, yourself collapse.apse.othing is destroyed. You yourself collapse.ng treads. Emptiness created. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing is destroyed. You yourself collapse.reads. Emptiness created. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing is destroyed. You yourself collapse.. I am empty. I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing treads. Emptiness created. Nothing is destroyed. You you
Original poem posting soon. Generated with a Markov chain text generator.
So the Bodhisattva said "Emptiness is none other than form, form is none other than emptiness" and I have perceived this emptiness through years of Yoga and Zen but the real understanding which I have gained about what emptiness is and how to perceive it can be done in a blink, because the greatest expression of emptiness is to look at what is in front of you at this very moment, because at that point the emptiness of it is so empty that is doesn't exist, this space between atoms is so empty that you can't even perceive it, so there, you are now an enlightened Buddha with a knowledge and perception of the Awesome Emptiness Of Everything. Congratulations!
Changing Names and Changing Faces Changing Times and Changing Places
The emptiness remains the same
The Sunna Sutta, Part of the Pali canon, Relates that the monk Ananda, Buddha's attendant asked,
"It is said that the world is empty, the world is empty, lord. In what respects is it said that the world is empty?" The Buddha replied, "Insofar as it is empty of a self Or of anything pertaining to a self: Thus it is said, Ananda, that the world is empty.
Form is emptiness Emptiness is form Emptiness is not separate from form, Form is not separate from emptiness Whatever is form is emptiness, Whatever is emptiness is form
One time to the next time That is all it is Try to be a good person Be kind to others Show others the love that Jesus showed
I just want a good friend is all That would be nice Someone to share my life with
1. Sunyata (Emptiness) is the profound meaning of the Mahayana Teaching.
Two thousand five hundred years ago, the Buddha was able to realise "emptiness" (s. sunyata). By doing so he freed himself from unsatisfactoriness (s. dukkha). From the standpoint of enlightenment, sunyata is the reality of all worldly existences (s. dharma). It is the realisation of Bodhi — Prajna. From the standpoint of liberation, sunyata is the skilful means that disentangle oneself from defilement and unsatisfactoriness. The realisation of sunyata leads one to no attachment and clinging. It is the skilful means towards enlightenment and also the fruit of enlightenment.
There are two ways for us to understand this concept of sunyata in the Mahayana context. One way is to try to understand the explanation about its true nature. The other way is the realisation through practice. What we are going to discuss now is about its true nature.
Mahayana teachings have always considered that the understanding of sunyata is an attainment which is extremely difficult and extraordinarily profound.
For example, in the Prajna Sutra it says "That which is profound, has sunyata and non-attachment as its significance. No form nor deeds, no rising nor falling, are its implications."
Again in the Dvadasanikaya Sastra (composed by Nagarjuna, translated to Chinese by Kumarajiva A.D. 408) it says: "The greatest wisdom is the so-called sunyata."
This sunyata, no creation, calmness and extinction (s. nirvana) is of a profound significance in the Mahayana teachings. Why do we see it as the most profound teaching? This is because there is no worldly knowledge, be it general studies, science or philosophy, that can lead to the attainment of the state of sunyata. The only path to its realisation is via the supreme wisdom of an impassionate and discriminating mind. It is beyond the common worldly understanding.
2. The Significance of Sunyata and Cessation
The Buddha always used the terms void, no rising and falling, calmness and extinction to explain the profound meaning of sunyata and cessation. The teachings of the Buddha that were described in words are generally common to worldly understandings. If one interprets the teachings superficially from the words and languages used, one will only gain worldly knowledge and not the deeper implication of the teachings. The teachings of the Buddha have their supra-mundane contexts that are beyond the worldly knowledge.
For example, sunyata and the state of nirvana where there is no rising nor falling, are interpreted by most people as a state of non-existence and gloom. They fail to realise that quite the opposite, sunyata is of substantial and positive significance.
The sutras often use the word "great void" to explain the significance of sunyata. In general, we understand the "great void" as something that contains absolutely nothing. However, from a Buddhist perspective, the nature of the "great void" implies something which does not obstruct other things, in which all matters perform their own functions. Materials are form, which by their nature, imply obstruction. The special characteristic of the "great void" is non-obstruction. The "great void" therefore, does not serve as an obstacle to them. Since the "great void" exhibits no obstructive tendencies, it serves as the foundation for matter to function. In other words, if there was no "great void" nor characteristic of non-obstruction, it would be impossible for the material world to exist and function.
The "great void" is not separated from the material world. The latter depends on the former. We can state that the profound significance of sunyata and the nature of sunyata in Buddhism highlights the "great void’s" non-obstructive nature.
Sunyata does not imply the "great void". Instead, it is the foundation of all phenomena (form and mind). It is the true nature of all phenomena, and it is the basic principle of all existence. In other words, if the universe’s existence was not empty nor impermanent, then all resulting phenomena could not have arisen due to the co-existence of various causes and there would be no rising nor falling. The nature of sunyata is of positive significance!
Calmness and extinction are the opposite of rising and falling. They are another way to express that there is no rising and falling. Rising and falling are the common characteristics of worldly existence. All phenomena are always in the cycle of rising and falling. However, most people concentrate on living (rising). They think that the universe and life are the reality of a continuous existence.
Buddhism on the other hand, promotes the value of a continuous cessation (falling). This cessation does not imply that it ceases to exist altogether. Instead, it is just a state in the continuous process of phenomena. In this material world, or what we may call this "state of existence", everything eventually ceases to exist. Cessation is definitely the home of all existences. Since cessation is the calm state of existence and the eventual refuge of all phenomena, it is also the foundation for all activities and functions.
The Amitabha Buddha who was, and is, revered and praised by Buddhists around the world, radiates indefinite light and life from this "state of cessation". This state is a continuous process of calmness. It will be the eventual refuge for us all. If we think carefully about the definitions of calmness and extinction, then we can deduce that they are the true natural end-points of rising and falling. The true nature of the cycle of rising and falling is calmness and extinction. Because of this nature, all chaos and conflicts in the state of rising and falling will eventually cease. This is attainable by the realisation of prajna.
3. Contemplating the Implications of Sunyata and Stillness (Nirvana) by Observing Worldly Phenomena
All existences exhibit void-nature and nirvana-nature. These natures are the reality of all existence. To realise the truth, we have to contemplate and observe our worldly existence. We cannot realise the former without observing the latter. Consider this Heart Sutra extract, "Only when Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva practised the deep course of wisdom of Prajna Paramita did he come to realise that the five skandhas (aggregates, and material and mental objects) were void."
Profound wisdom leads us to the realisation that all existences are of void-nature. The sutras demonstrate that the profound principle can be understood by contemplating and observing the five skandhas. We cannot realise the truth by seeking something beyond the material and mental world. The Buddha, using his perfect wisdom, observed worldly existence from various implications and aspects, and came to understand all existences.
In summary, there are three paths to this observation:
a) We should observe the preceding state and the current state of conditions. i.e., Observation according to the concept of time.
b) We should observe existences according to their interrelationships. i.e., Observation via the concept of space (either two or three-dimensions).
c) We should observe the true nature of all myriad beings. This is like observing the worldly existences of a point, a line and an area. Those with supreme wisdom understand the true nature of all worldly existences by observing vertically the relationships between the preceding and current conditions, and horizontally the interrelationships. Then we can understand the true meaning of void-nature and nirvana-nature.
3.1 By observing the preceding-stage and the current-stage conditions, we can verify the Law of Impermanence of all worldly existences. All existences, be they material or mental, be they the material world, or the physical or mental states of sentient beings, are subject to continuous change.
The world may have certain states of beings where they stay static or are in equilibrium on a temporary basis (for example hibernation). But when we observe them with supreme wisdom, we will find that not only do they keep changing on a yearly basis, but also that this change applies to even every briefest moment. After the current state of conditions have ceased to exist, the newly-formed state materialises. This is the state of rising and falling. The rising and falling of each small moment reveals that all existences are ever-moving and ever-changing.
Conventional scholars have a very good explanation of these ever-changing worldly conditions. However they, including the practitioners of dharma, try to make sense of the reality from the ever-changing worldly existences. That is, they are fooled by the material existences and are not able to understand the deeper truth of all existences.
Only those with the supreme wisdom of the Buddha and Mahabodhisattvas realise and understand that all existences are illusions. They understand that existences are not real from the observation of the flow of changing existences. The numerous illusionary existences may well be diverse and confusing, arising and decaying. But when we look into their true nature, we will find them void and of nirvana-nature.
On the other hand, since all existences are of nirvana-nature, they appear from the perspective of time, to be ever-changing. They never stay the same even for the briefest moment. Impermanence implies existences do not have a permanent entity. This is another implication of the nature of sunyata and stillness.
3.2 From observations of existence via inter-relationships, we can conclude that nothing is independent of the Law of Causation, and that everything is without ego. For example, the Buddha explains that the individual sentient being is composed of physical, physiological and psychological phenomena. The so called ego is a deluded illusion which does not exist in reality. Its existence depends on the combination of both physical and mental factors. It is a union of organic phenomena. Thus we call it the empirical ego. It is a mistake to cling to it as an infatuated ego.
The Indian concept of the supreme spirit implies someone who rules. The spirit is the ruler who is independent of is self-dependent and all causes. In other words, the spirit is the one who is free from all primary and secondary causes (for physical and mental aspects). The spirit is the one who has the soul of his own body and mind. This is the ego or supreme spirit that the theologists cling to. From their view point, the only way to avoid physical and mental decay is to be self-determined and self-sovereign. In this way, the supreme being can stay permanent in the cycle of reincarnation, and return to the absolute reality by liberating himself from life and death.
But from the profound contemplation and wisdom of the Buddha and Mahabodhisattvas, we know there is no such reality. Instead, egolessness (non-self) is the only path to understand the reality of the deluded life. All existences are subject to the Law of Causes and Conditions. These include the smallest particles, the relationship between the particles, the planets, and the relationship between them, up to and including the whole universe! From the smallest particles to the biggest matter, there exists no absolute independent identity.
Egolessness (non-self) implies the void characteristics of all existence. Egolessness (non-self) signifies the non-existence of permanent identity for self and existence (Dharma). Sunyata stresses the voidness characteristic of self and existence (Dharma). Sunyata and egolessness possess similar attributes. As we have discussed before, we can observe the profound significance of sunyata from the perspective of inter-dependent relationships. Considering dharma-nature and the condition of nirvana, all existences are immaterial and of a void-nature. Then we see each existence as independent of each other. But then we cannot find any material that does exist independent of everything else. So egolessness also implies void-nature!
3.3 From the observation of all existences, we can infer the theory of nirvana and the complete cessation of all phenomena. From the viewpoint of phenomena, all existences are so different from each other, that they may contradict each other. They are so chaotic. In reality, their existence is illusionary and arises from conditional causation. They seem to exist on one hand, and yet do not exist on the other. They seem to be united, but yet they are so different to one another. They seem to exist and yet they do cease! Ultimately everything will return to harmony and complete calmness. This is the nature of all existence. It is the final resting place for all. If we can understand this reality and remove our illusions, we can find this state of harmony and complete calmness.
All our contradictions, impediments and confusion will be converted to equanimity. Free from illusion, complete calmness will be the result of attaining nirvana. The Buddha emphasised the significance of this attainment and encouraged the direct and profound contemplation on void-nature. He said, "Since there is no absolute self-nature thus every existence exhibits void-nature. Because it is void, there is no rising nor falling. Since there is no rising nor falling, thus everything was originally in complete calmness. Its self-nature is nirvana."
From the viewpoint of time and space, we can surmise that all existences are impermanent, all existences have no permanent self, and nirvana is the result of the cessation of all existences - the Three Universal Characteristics. But there are not three different truths. Instead, they are the characteristics of the only absolute truth and the ultimate reality. This is the explanation of Dharma-nature and the condition of nirvana. The three characteristics are the one characteristic, and vice versa!
We may cultivate our meditation, contemplating the impersonality of all existences. This will lead us to enlightenment via the path of voidness. Contemplating nirvana and complete calmness leads to enlightenment by the path of immaterial form. Contemplating the impermanence of all existences, leads us to enlightenment by the path of inactivity (no desire).
The Three Universal Characteristics are the other implications of Dharma-nature and nirvana. The paths to enlightenment are also the same cause of absolute reality. All of them return to the Dharma-nature and the condition of nirvana. In short, the teachings of the Buddha start from the observation and contemplation of all worldly phenomena. They are like thousands of streams of water competing with each other, and flowing from the top of the mountains to the bottom. Eventually, all of them return to the ocean of voidness and nirvana.
4. Sunyata and Cessation is the Truth (Nature) of All Existences.
All existences that are recognised by worldly understanding, whether materially, spiritually or intellectually, have always been misunderstood by us. We cling to them as real, physically existing and permanent. Actually, they are only unreal names.
The more precise meaning of the term "unreal name" is "assumption" or "hypothesis". It is an empirical name. It is formed by the combination of various causes and effects. (These include the effects of mental consciousness.) It does not exist by itself. Everything exists relatively. Thus, what is the ultimate truth? If we investigate existence further, we realise that all existences are empty. This is the fundamental characteristic and reality of all existence. It is ultimate and absolute. But we should not think that empty means nothing. It implies the disentanglement from the worldly misunderstanding of the existence of self, identity, and the realisation of the absolute.
In the Sutras and Abhidharma, the worldly understandings are sometimes referred to as all phenomena (Dharma). Sunyata is referred to as "Dharma-nature", and hence there is a distinction between "phenomena" and "Dhamma-nature". However, this is only an expedient explanation that helps us to realise the truth of sunyata through the phenomena of all existences.
We should not think that "existence" and "nature"; or the "phenomena of Dharma" and "Dharma-nature" are something contradictory. They are just concepts needed to understand the implication of sunyata.
I am nothing less nor nothing more. Call me flat tone. Im only here to score. I’m a flat line living and dead. Dead is my rhythm. Every day in life is a day closer to rolling my last dice. Picture emptiness a pond emptiness. Never to be born. Blacken eyes never to be worn. Never to ride a bike. Hell, never to be seen by light nor the depths of the night. Places to go but no horizon on sight. Blank page. No thoughts, plans,wrongs, rights, there’s no inspiration to write. A leaf that falls from the branch in spring. It falls forever in a endless scene.” Come to me” A voice said. “ Where’s me and do I have a choice. For I am emptiness with no meaning to life nor propose. For what use of dead air would you have of me? The voice said “ I’ll answer your question gladly”. “ In emptiness there is life and you shall give those of my children life. I said “ Master how can I give what is nothing? For how can one hold nothing but emptiness”?You shall fill their lungs and only through breath they shall hold you. You shall give life to all that will soon sround you. For you’ll be the emptiness in everyone that hold all life together under my crown.
Emptiness Lives in nothingness Yet it has the imagination To become anything
It can expand infinitely Into all directions It can exist eternity Without losing a breath
It wants to know itself So it even started to be
Sometimes it understands The pain and suffering of existing Sometimes it laughs at itself For believing in the dream it created
It may have all the colors And maybe it knows more than what you and I can comprehend But deep down it knows The existence of all and nothing The happiest and saddest moments of our lives and times
What is here is emptiness And what will be is also emptiness You can say it is not bound by time or it was the one created time in the first place
So perhaps We are empty Because we are emptiness And searching for love To feel the emptiness more deeply
However The emptiness knows That even the sweetest love can have pain And in the greatest pain there is love So it just gives up And become a song full of existence As we danced to our death It laughed And started, the next dream
Somethin' about an empty room, depending on how the light asks to be let in on its edges. An empty room don’t expect you to do nothin' whatever. And its floor responds in this kinda lilting relief when you tap-dance barefoot upon it. If you sit in all its corners, with your eyeballs (try it!) you can trace the refractions and suggestions on the wall, 'specially the places where paint and odd plaster stick up like little men and cast shadows all their own. You can spend hours doing this. You, the impressionable film upon which the world's projected herself—you turn the world upside down and make sense of the image in this empty box. You Make art here. Shout here! Run and kick and punch through the walls and Love them as you do so, kid. Something about emptiness itself, gets a lot of flack, you think, cast as grave. Hell! Emptiness: potential, Emptiness: casting being in sharp distinction. Emptiness: sensual, like breath before the action of the human magnetic. You: the one alive in this your empty room and therefore acutely aware of what you chose to project in such vibrant relief. Today, it is newspapers and magazine clippings and a notebook and a blue pen and a book by Susan Sontag. Today you lie on the woody floor, supine, eyes wide and become part of it your lungs breathe life into this ancient emptiness. And the air between its walls vibrates, and sighs, nascent, ‘thank you.’
I wake up in the morning with bloodshot eyes; the Sun peeks inside my window and wakes me up, birds sing dawn chorus and trees dance for me; and I gaze outside my window, holding a tea cup.
I take shower and get ready for work; wearing fake expressions of satisfaction, and walk the crowded roads, where I get lost; and work whole day with speechless action(s).
There is a weird feeling that conquers my soul; some call it peace; some call it emptiness, I am still a slave of destiny and it rules me; I feel fragile when tossed between no and yes.
I walk back to home and emptiness waits for me; I play my guitar and it listens silently; sitting around a corner, I lay down in my boudoir and lost in imagery; but emptiness awakens like a strict owner.
I feel insomniac, and emptiness runs me through; I put my hands back-head and travel the paths of flashback, when I used to be the owner of happiness and; now it seems like those days won’t come back.
I twist and turn, and night passes by; and I wake up with one-minus a day, I feel handcuffed with laziness but I welcome my morning; but emptiness still has so many reasons to stay.
Chapter 1: An Awakening. Page: 3. Chapter 2: University. Page 12. Chapter 3: Being an Activist. Page 23. Chapter 4: The Hallowed Purification Programme. Page: 32. Chapter 5: The Party Self Destructs. Page: 55. Chapter 6: Confusion after the Collapse of my Icon. Page: 64. Chapter 7 Getting a Job as a Psychiatrist. Page 69. Chapter 8: Afim: Sick or ‘Normal’? Page: 84. Chapter 9: Having Children. Page 105. Chapter 10: Omar Again. Page: 109. Chapter 11: The Meaningless Existence of My Husband. Page 121. Chapter 12: My Daughter: Lara. Page 127. Chapter 13: Getting to the Top in my Job. Page: 131. Chapter 14: Success & Emptiness. Page 142. Chapter 15: The Shock. Page: 148. Chapter 16: The Trap. Page: 153. Chapter 17: The Punishment. Page 162. Chapter 18: The Barmaid and the Alcoholic Conversation. Page: 166. Chapter 19: Old Age. Page: 180. Chapter 20: Seeing My Son: Noor. Page: 184. Chapter 21: The Unexpected Visitor. Page: 191. Chapter 22: Conversation with my Social Worker. Page: 195. Chapter 23: My Visitor Returns. Page: 206. Chapter 24: Isolation. Page: 210.
THE STORY OF SARA
– OR, A REFLECTION ON OURSELVES
CHAPTER ONE: AN AWAKENING
Sara is my name. I feel the need to write down the words, or rather, the connected and the unconnected stories, of my life. I wish to say straightaway, that I am not an important person; on the opposite. I am, in fact, a no one. I achieved nothing meaningful in my life, and I was never famous.
So, why you may think, should anyone read about my life, considering that I am a nobody? Well, I think, that precisely because I am a nobody, people should read about my life! Why? Because, since most of us are nobodies, therefore, I must be a reflection for a significant number of people. I am a mirror that most of us do not see; after all, who wants to see what they really look like?
You see, if I were famous, then I would be in the minority of the population, and, as a consequence, I would reflect the lives of just a small fraction of the people. In other words, if I were rich, and if I were to write about my life as a rich woman, then most readers would have absolutely nothing to relate to such a story. But then again, to tell you the truth, I am plagued by insecurities and self doubt. Why am I plagued by insecurities and self doubts? Because life itself is full of doubts and insecurities! Everyday there are so many events that happen that you do not fully understand - and so they have no certainty. There are so many thoughts that come across your mind that you cannot believe in with certainty - in other words, you have doubts! Life is made up of events, people and thoughts that are themselves uncertain, vague, indefinite, unclear, ambiguous and ultimately blurred. That is why, for me, I found no certainty in my life, no sense of definiteness – and the end result is that my image of my personal reality was a blurred vision.
I could never see an accurate view of my own reality - because I had far too many flawed characteristics. I am extremely temperamental. I am extremely impulsive; I speak, behave and act without thinking in a sober, rational, deliberate manner. I am not a very good judge of character when it comes to people. I often evaluate people wrongly. I misread who they really are. I am often very cold with other human beings; I am unable to sympathise and be compassionate to other people. I am not a good listener. I am a slave to my irrational passions, my dark urges and my undesirable needs. Now I am not saying that I have these characteristics all the time – but I confess that I do have them far too often.
And all these awful characteristics make me quite unable to focus on myself in a logical, coherent and rational manner. I am unable to see my real Self; I cannot see where my rational mind tells me where I need to go with my life, rather than where my dark passions tell myself where to go. So, maybe my story isn’t worth telling at all. Should I write the story of my life or not? Will anyone read it?
I am a member of the weak and the unknown and the unheard class. I am a member of the invisible classes, of what they call 'Humanity'. Even though, I don’t know what ‘Humanity’ actually means any more. I am one non-entity amidst this ocean of Humanity. I am a nothing. So, what’s the point of my existence and, more importantly, the story of my existence!?
Actually, sometimes, when I’m in a good mood, I think, yes, come, do not be timid or afraid, and take a serious gaze at my own face, and I hope you will see yourselves – yes, you, the majority of the people out there, this night; for when you see yourselves in my face, you may learn so much about yourselves, and it seems to me, after I have been living and experiencing so long, you may learn from my mistakes. It seems to me, that one of the problems so many of us people out there are facing, is that nobody seems to want to take a serious, unbiased way that they really look like – and this is because of fear.
But what is this ‘fear’? I know that this fear is one reason that causes a nagging and persisting unhappiness. This fear is because we are scared to look at ourselves and find a picture that is severely deformed and far too horrible to behold. Do you believe that looking at your own face is an easy task? I hear you tell me: Oh Sara, all you have to do is to look at the mirror and you see yourself. How easy! But, I’m afraid, you are wrong. Because when you say to me, that all you have to do is to see your face in the mirror, that is not accurate.
And that is, because the face you are seeing in the mirror is an image. That is not your face! That’s an image of your face! And an image is only one degree of reality. An image is never and can never be the whole reality. So, you say, why is it that I am seeing an image of my face in the mirror and not the whole reality of my face? Because you yourself are scared to scrutinize and stare so deeply at your own face. Fear is restraining you from seeing your own reality. You may see your real face and it may be a face that is far too ugly to see!
Now, when I am in a bad, bleak, hopeless mood, I really believe in the depths of my angry heart, that it is utterly pointless to write anything, precisely, because I feel that my entire life is completely worthless. Emptiness. I feel my life is filled with emptiness. Ha! How can you ‘fill’ anything with emptiness! You know, I feel like ripping to shreds everything I’ve written, and yes, reader, I’ve done that many times – and, then I start all over again. And how dare I presume that anyone out there in the world would be in any way interested to read the life of an empty woman who happens to be called Sara? You see, at times like these, I have self hate. I confess. I hate every single thing about myself. And that includes my pointless story.
And so many times, especially at night, when I’m able to write my story, I think, what if no one is reading these words? How frightful! Could I possibly be that empty? Could I – Sara - possibly be so utterly meaningless as a human being, to the extent that no one could possibly be interested, to give me more than a few precious moments of their time, from their important lives? Well, for all you people out there whose lives are brimming with happiness; for all those of you people whose lives are so full and busy, so they never experience the utter tedium of boredom; for all those of you people who never face an inner emptiness, a loneliness within their hearts and minds; for all those of you people who have no fears, no anxieties, and no insecurities – then I can honestly tell you to hurl this book away!
And, yet, I would like to believe that - in the depths of my shaky beliefs and my uncertain certainties - that I have at least one listener with me! You know why? Because it gives me so much comfort and peace of mind to think that I have one human who is interested to know me! The most horrible thing to me is to live in total isolation. And to ease that unique kind of emotional pain, is to know that someone, somewhere in this planet actually cares for you.
I was born in the City, in a middle to low class neighbourhood, where families tended to help each other. It was a closely knit community. You knew everyone, and everyone knew you and so, when there was any problem, people would help each other out. You see, in this way, problems became less heavy than they would have been otherwise, because when more people come to help you, the problem weighs less, as opposed to if each family had to cope with their problems all on their own. It was a happy childhood; I adored my parents and I thought no one could be better than them. They were my icons. As a child, they were good to me, and I could see nothing wrong with them. But how long did that last? By the time my mind was waking up, so to speak, by eleven or twelve, I began to notice, that what I saw wasn't all that rosy at all. My parents used to argue a lot; Dad would scream and Mother would howl. And what were the causes of these clashes?
Both were guilty of countless faults. Dad drank too much; Mom didn't pay enough attention to housekeeping and so our house was rather *****; neither parent paid any attention to us; Dad would always invite his 'friends', and they would be rather ****** in their behaviour and with their jokes (or what they thought were 'jokes'); Mom would go for hours on end to her 'friends' houses, and leave us children alone; so, when they were in the mood to fight, good God, both sides of the trenches had lots of reasons, or excuses, to use as ammunition! And what battles do we young children witness! Dad would scream: "What kind of Mother are you when you do nothing for the house; you don't cook, and so we never have homemade cooking; you don't clean, and so the house stinks and is always in a terrible mess; and then you disappear for hours to God knows where, leaving us all behind! How much time do you even spend with our children? I’ll tell you how long – you don’t spend any time with our children! Children need love, attention and time spent with them; how do you think that affects our children? Do you think that makes then happy?"
And Mom would scream, at the same time: "What kind of Father are you? You're always drunk, and you're always socialising with drunk, ****** idiots. How do you think our children are reacting when they see their Father interacting with the most lewd, disgusting people? You're lazy in your job – and that is when you keep a job more than a few weeks – and, not surprisingly, you don't bring in enough money, and so we live a miserable lifestyle. And, you dare to ask me why I leave this house for so many hours? Of course, I want to leave this house – it's because I cannot stand the repulsive sight of you! And then, you have the nerve to ask me, ‘how long do I spend with our children’? You **** hypocrite! How long do you spend with our children? Not one minute!"
I would usually rush off to my room, and hide my body and soul in my pillow. And as I grew into a teenager, my parents were fighting against each other even more. Who was right and who was wrong? Sometimes I felt for sure, that Dad was wrong; and, at other times, I felt that Mom was to blame; while at other times, I felt both were to blame; and then again, at other times, I would be so confused that I just gave up thinking about the whole mess, and just wish they never brought me to this world. How could I judge them? I could never really tell, because I didn't have the facts, did I? Who knows if Dad really was lazy at his job, and if that was the case, why he didn't he realize that we needed him to work harder, in order for us to have a better quality of life? Or, maybe he wasn't making enough money, simple because his job was a low paying one, and so it wasn't his fault that he brought such meagre wages.
Who knows why Mom didn't take care of the house? Maybe she was depressed? And who knows why she went off to her friends' house for hours on end? Put simply, when you don't have the facts, how can you possibly judge in a reasonable manner? But then, maybe, you, my dear reader, will say I am wrong, because one ought to judge the situation by using one's emotions and not just 'facts'. To be honest, when I think of those wretched days, maybe they were both 'right' and wrong'; but in what measures – don't ask me! What I do know for sure was this: the fact that both Mom and Dad never spent any time with me really hurt me and made feel insecure. I really needed their company when I was a child and right through to my adolescent years, but, unfortunately, they were never, ever interested to sit with me and talk to me – not even for a minute.
In my teenage years, I clearly remember that I felt that I needed Mom and Dad, because I remember feeling frightened for the first time in my life. Why did I feel ‘afraid’? I honestly don’t know. Strangely enough, before the age of thirteen, all my parents' fighting did not leave me scared; no, my response was one of sadness only.
So, I tried to talk with Mom and Dad, issues that were bothering me, but I found out, to my horror, that they could not answer any of my questions. I would ask my parents endless questions like: "Should I continue studying in school and go on to university, or should I leave and get a menial job?" "At what age should I get married?" “Is marriage worth it or not?" "Should I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol – or, are these things wrong?" “What characteristics should I look for, when I make friends? In other words, what are the good attributes versus the bad attributes in the character of any person?” “What is morality?” I remember that my parents were themselves confused by my questions, and at the same time they were irritated. And, at other times, they were increasingly bored with my unending questions.
Strange combination, isn't it – to be both 'confused’, irritated' and 'bored' with someone nagging at you all the time!? I know why they were 'bored'; that's the easy part – it was because, they gradually found me to be a nuisance or an irritant with my questions. They were 'confused and irritated', because they felt stuck as to how they could best answer my questions. You see, they were, themselves, doing all the wrong things, so how could they advice me to do what was supposed to be 'good'?! For example, 'Can I smoke and drink alcohol?' Good question, Sara, but a question that you shouldn’t really ask your parents, when you recall, that both were heavy smokers and drinkers! And, when I asked them: 'Should I get married?' How can they answer that one
I was hesitant and unsure. Your innocence might jinx me this time. Then you laughed, as you always do, like a child giggling while waiting the rain from the summer sky. Everything becomes clear. After all, whatever comes from you is never you.
Of course, you are as always an empty being.
Your emptiness tells many stories. Your emptiness fools me. Your emptiness is the real vessel of soul. Your emptiness is a parchment for budding thoughts. Your emptiness is a magic.
No wonder, I fell in love with that emptiness. I just do not know if emptiness loves me back.
Or, was it me who stares at the abyss long enough that a centenary gone by.
1900: The Boxer rebellion begun. Freud published his Interpretation of Dreams.
1903: The Wright brothers marked their first flight. In turn, Curtiss decided to invade the sky.
1912: Titanic anchored to Atlantis, to its final resting place.
Two years after, the first World War broke out. Horses galloped to the killing fields.
1925: The first among many trials of the century began. That day, Darwin risen for the second time.
1934: ****** became Fuhrer. The world becomes a theater. “Absurd,” says Beckett. “Cruelty” for Artaud.
1939; 1941: Second World War broke out; Pear Harbor bombed. Asia Pacific meets its infernal fate.
1945: Three mushroom clouds seen: New Mexico, Hiroshima, and Nagazaki.
1960’s: Humanity becomes obsessed with multiple wars: cold, space, nuclear, music, universities; not counting the mutants who played major roles in between.
1986: Itay wrote a letter to Inay. The letter reached Manila after a few days from Jeddah.
1989: Capitalism won. Berlin wall fell like a paper plane after its victorious flight. My parents met for the first time. Months later, they decided to cut the cake and get married.
1993: The World Wide Web saw its day. I was born.
Twenty two years later, I met her. A year after, Phil Collins sang once again Separate lives.
That time, I know, I will never be your favorite writer.
Dear emptiness I have gotten to know you well. You provoke the thoughts that keep me up in your solitude. Like we’re all just sprinting at a brick wall that we pretend is there, one day I’m gonna hit it saying I told you so to my self. You emptiness are made from my sleepless nights. Such as this one where my brick wall seems only several feet ahead of me. You my emptiness are a pain in the *** to keep to myself, throughout the day your tugged at by others and pulled out by the night. Why do you strive to make me miserable. And so emptiness answer my questions and I’ll answer yours? No I didn’t think so. Well I guess I am just talking to a brick wall, that I’m pretending isn’t there. Dear emptiness you my dearest friend are nothing.
It’s funny how all day all I wanted to do is sleep and now I’m so tired I can’t sleep. Dear emptiness your a pain in the *** to sleep with
"Coming up on emptiness straight ahead"...(you say to yourself)-- strange...the driver and driven to point out emptiness. Where does it begin, where does it end? Mind like a windshield illumined by headlights...hellbent on demystifying emptiness--plying the road's will toward a name, and a place. Night...dark...emptiness behaving as a metaphysical digestive system-- driver asking: "where to?"... passenger answering: "straight ahead." This could go on forever can't it? Mind like a windshield illumined by headlights...hellbent on demystifying emptiness--plying the road's will toward a name, and a place. Note to Self: the driver, and the driven are one.
the world is full of emptiness how so you may inquire? the following dissertation shall give you an insight as to the emptiness that is around our globe stay seated in your arms chairs and at your computer screens these words shall reveal the story for all of you to glean
in Third World countries not a bite of food to eat yet in Western countries they waste it and throw it on the streets
it is said there is plenty of food on the planet for all but starving millions wait for a meager crumb to fall
here the evidence placed in front of you and it doesn't make for a kindhearted view
were there to be a little sharing and fairness the great emptiness may well be redressed
on our planet the picture will remain thus and this salient tale is a wake up call to each of us
the rabid feasting in rich nations is really quite obscene while those in Third World countries live with bellies poorly mean
take a moment to ruminate on what has been said as you butter your daily portion of bread
Epilogue those who have not a mouthful isn't it profane the world is full of emptiness as this dissertation has explained
Emptiness kills Emptiness of mind Emptiness of home Emptiness of stomach Emptiness of purse Empty Is the word which Provokes us to many Things So take the right thing And start your fight No matter. How hard it is
sadness and emptiness are two different things emptiness is absence of feeling, and sadness is pain emptiness is the feeling of no feeling at all, sadness is the crippling enabler that makes you feel small sadness has a cure, or so it seems emptiness, however, is a very unsolvable thing
It's emptiness, Seeing you next to her. It's emptiness, The cracking sound of my heart. It's emptiness, The tears dripping. It's emptiness, The daggers piercing through my heart. It's emptiness, The ache. It's emptiness, The flashbacks. It's dead and I'm breathing ashes But it's emptiness.
I question whether to hold you within or to let you go. I stare at the life holding on to the nothingness, Thinking I haven't done anything but held on to the emptiness, Oh life, how do I let you pass me by everyday? Oh life, how have I let you become so stagnant? Trying to find the corners of the emptiness I forgot how to look at you.
I know my priorities but not how I want to work for them, I know what my goal should be but desert is all I see, Mirages of the could've been and what ifs. Emptiness, Why did I let you in? Why can't I let you out? Emptiness, you are strong, though you make me weak. You make me question my existence, You make me believe my demons.
I wish I knew how to quit you, But you are my companion, The one that never leaves.
My head, my heart, they are empty, producing, containing nothing. Yet, they are stuffed to the max, flooding with thoughts, emotions, worries, hopes. How can one be so empty, yet so full? I am a ghost existing, alive and dead in this twisted world. They drain us of vitality and fill us with emptiness. We are the lost. Don’t bother looking for us, we are already gone, found.
Emptiness Emptiness is pure white Emptiness tastes like old room temperature bottled water Emptiness sounds like the static on a television Emptiness smells like the inside of a hospital Emptiness looks like a blank piece of paper Emptiness makes me feel like never moving again
Feel nothing in the heart Just empty feelings spar to keep thoughts amuse my face, little confused emotions on a still graph Things play out not their part Nor do they turn rough there's no flame, not steam No smoke, no, nothing! just emptiness in filling just emptiness in feelings
I’ve died I’ve felt the brunt of dis-ease like a disease The final straw that has broken my heart Drove a stake through instead Why now? The leftover time I’ve been allowed Is filled with hollowed out emptiness The screams of pain when there is no one to answer me Bursts my life at the seams I have died I’m gone for sure this time I cannot even fill the time I have in between Because I am numb Dead inside Without that genuine human touch with no hurtful motive I’ve gone and died Withered blossoms of socialization should have fought hard Hardly fought instead The weak politeness crept out I have died With no thought for the future I’ve cut my past off to live in the blankness of the present Don’t fret I never really lived anyway.