As I stand before the mountain of confidence called hope, I see a clear path up, not too steep, not too straight, but this path is embodied with rewards to the top.

At the top, there is a magnificent tree made of gold, silver leaves and Copper roots. Hope mountain held a perfect prize awaiting me, a Tree called Faith.
This sight to behold was everything I wanted, everything before me was so clear, but at the bottom where I was, there was a River.

This River was called Shame.
This river was filthy, the water was calm where I was, but looking downstream I could see the rapids of rage, the ripples of conditioning before the raging rapids were inviting.

The dreary stonewalling fortification on the banks allowed no light through, downstream was scary and looked impossible, why would I go that way? why even look?
I looked upstream and saw a blinding light, what could this be? I was so curious, so I waited, a true gentleman always waits.

Two days later the light took shape, as it came closer I could finally see, I could see a lifeboat with a caring nurturing beautiful woman.

As this beautiful woman came closer, I could see the river was being supplied by this woman, I could see she was the source.

The river of Shame was being fed by this woman, this filth in front of me was coming from her, but the beauty was something I've never seen, this beauty had me curious.

This beauty made me forget of the supply to the river.
  What I saw wasn't real all the sudden, what I believed was now real.
She came close enough for my heart to be heard, since she had no heart she was envious, she hated what others admired.

She wanted my wholesome heart, so she used her falsehood love bombing to create one, dreamingly admiring the mountain, we were planning different paths right then.
As I stared at the golden Tree of Faith glowing upon Hope mountain, I didn't notice the river was rising, as the numbing waters were rising it covered my feet, I didn't notice she also took a piece of my heart to claim as her own.

She used toxic gas and light to create a projection that this heart was hers to give back to me.

I didn't know any better so I accepted this ambient abused heart, this unfelt abuse gave me amnesia, this hidden poison of my cognitive dissonance gave her all of me.

Since she had nothing and that's what she craves, I had everything so she wanted to enslave.
I forget about the mountain with the tree even being there. I forgot I was here.

Her lifeboat was awkward, it was shaky,
it has imperfections, it has holes,
   her lifeboat is sinking,
     her heart is missing.
my knightly kind hearted empathy,
   my buffering and nurturing sympathy         pick this beautiful woman up
      I pick this gem up because of her idealization of me.
I can clean this insidious gem because she makes me believe, but through the veil I cannot see.
I throw her over my shoulder to carry all her weight, it's hard to move, hard to breathe, building a new boat was extremely hard, carrying her pain was extremely hard.

Everyone thought it was impossible to do it, my shear will power to commit ****** one foot in front of the other, I just didn't know that going downstream was impossible.

What about the mountain?

I couldn't remember from the amnesia, the dark night blinded my sight of the mountain, the drug in me was you and it consumed, i fell in love with misery and misery loves it's companies.

I stared the snake behind the veil in the eyes, standing tall on her pedastool made of spackle it breaks, I fall onto piercing confusion, I pull out shrapnel's of dissolution, I'm covered in her blood of invalidation.

I'm already floating in the boat with her, this wasn't my plan, this wasn't my reality.
I gaze upon this woman, sun shining behind her, no clouds in the sky.
floating downstream she tells me it's faster, that we'll end up behind the mountain higher.

I'm not worried now, I'm now contempt with shame.
I already forgot reality, I already forgot i'm going downstream, I forgot the searing pain, I forgot what I believe.

I'm relaxed, I'm tired, I'm still happy in love with this spellbound misery.

As we drift slowly through the stonewalls, no light shines through, I ask her for assurance, it's getting dark, I'm getting scared.

That's when the veil comes off, that's when the unnatural beauty grows quiet, that's when my voice screams silently within these stone walls.

This isn't her, this isn't real,
I know there's love I can feel, that was our bond, that was our deal, not to steal.

I fall over board and the water is cold, there's leaches, the debris is so random, the shameful water is moving faster, the all consuming cold confusion, random gaslighting and triangulations moving in around me faster.

I immediately can't bear it. My heart pulsates hard, my mind misfires my flight mode, i cannot intake the overbearingly unowned toxic Shame, her coldness activated my fawn mode, I froze, I start to doze.

luckily she had my leg, luckily she knew excessive admiration CPR, just as my body went limp in the agonizing River of Shame, she pulls me out. luckily she got me just in time, luckily she saved my life.

I awoke away from the stonewalls, it's sunny and safe again, we're together through impossible odds, we built this boat and she saved my life.

The abuse amnesia made me forget, the cognitive dissonance was real, I am not.

The mountain was now farther away, I was worried, I grew fearful, what I wanted looked farther away, that's when everything became gloomy, my goal was no longer there, but she didn't care, she knew where the river went, I believed her, I still do.

The ambient abuse made me anxious, the atmosphere was maddening of fear, it carried anxiety, I couldn't see it, but I was breathing it in.

Her eyes were so incapacitating, her heart disorienting, her soul captivating, she had a better plan, for us to press on and build another boat, to add another life, to believe in her, to not stare at the knife.

We build another boat, were out of the shame waters finally, she's helping me, were soon to be a real family, but the only thing real here was me.

Everything is better on the land, were dry, it's sunny, it's better to feel the nirvanic sand. It's here we bring our new seed, to be sprouted downstream.

I now believe in this new mountain downstream, I don't even remember the mountain I seen, were pressing on downstream past a levy, were now in the River of Grief, we're off to the end of make believe.

This river is really turbulent with rapids of devaluation, the splashes make me irrelevant, the dinigrating actions around make me small, I feel lost and confused, nothing makes sense anymore at all.

At the mouth of the River of Grief it opens up into a valley. She jumped onto a rock of vanity and pushed the tree of disloyalty upon the boat.

This throws me out head first, but luckily I have our seed safe and sound, luckily I learned how to drown.

I turn around falling and see her at the top staring down, she smirked and throws enormously heavy anvils of bereavement to make me fall harder, to keep me down longer.

Evil is real, but only if you believe, I crave the flattery of illusionary love, I still had amnesia, I love misery, the feeling reminds me I can feel, I love my slow death so I say I'll find you, I have the seed, I'll wait for you.

As I fall the thorns of numbing premeditation pierce, the pain is searing, as I fall i'm locked on her, my falsehood of love is still enduring, I don't feel the discard, I ignore the distaste.

I land in a field of hopium still protecting the seed, my amnesia is now worse, I can't remember her smirk, I can't remember the weighted anvils of bereavement, I can't remember the tree of disloyalty, I still can't remember the mountain.

My movement is heavy like concrete, my heart sits down at my feet, my mind is nowhere to be found, my spirit is fading on this ground.

I gather everyone from a nearby village to find her, it's impossible, they can't see her, she never existed, my amnesia was now delusional, the hopium mixed realities, nothing was real, there was nothing I could truly feel because everything was wrong, but I believe misery needs me and I yearned.

I say she's at the top, we have to throw her a rope,
they say it won't reach what isn't there,
I say we need a ladder to throw the rope, they say the ladder isn't safe that high.
  
I say everyone can hold the ladder while I climb perilously to the top, they say it will never work, but since they can see me, since they see a part of me is still real, everyone holds the ladder for me.
      
While I acend with my broken dignity, I acend with a fatigued heart, I acend to find what I believe, no matter how hard I try, I will be taking my destined decent.

The top of the ladder is shaky, I spent forever getting there, it's scary, the heights bring great fear over me, more than I've ever felt, but my knighthood makes me overcome anything.

I suppress, the seed is safe down below, I'm here to impress, I can see her now, only much less.

Her snake skin is peeling, the sun scorched blistering skin shows immense pain, witnessing this releases empathy, the caring knighthood in me naturally wanted to save her again.

So I wrap what's left of my discarded soul upon my broken fatigued heart and I use my trauma bonded mind as bait.

I throw her the rope,
she catches the rope,
I tell her to tie off the rope,
she ties a noose with the rope,
her neck is now wrapped with this rope.

If she falls I can't stop the tightening of the rope, if she falls I already know I'll jump for her and release from her neck this rope.

We jump together and I release the rope around her neck, I see the ground coming fast, but I love this snake, I'll die for this snake because I believe, false beauty inside is all I see.

I grab her and turn her away from the rushing ground, I fell once, I can take the fall again.

She is already hurt, immense pain, she will not feel no more pain, because I'm not hurting for I'm with misery again, I believe I can take all the pain for her, the hopium was numbing everything I consumed.

I awoke to a distressed angel, flawed personality, beautiful nightmare, mirroring the devil, but what I saw was a veil over the snake eyes, what I saw was what I believed before.

What I had wasn't real, who I am is no longer there, for I had ambience amnesia, nothing around me fit, nothing around me was grounded, nothing around me was divine.

The eyes that gazed upon me were captivating, spriling, time froze and only she was moving, the feeling was there, a drug within me, the drug was her and I longed for the misery, I yearned for the pain to remember what was real, I needed the intermittent reinforcement, I wanted my all bets in investment back and I risked a short sale.

We faded into the black, into a new boat, she made this boat, she had plugs in  holes of the boat I couldn't see, I believed it was perfect, I didn't know what awaited was a life long anguish.

I still didn't know what was downstream is impossible, I didn't know this new River of Anguish has piranhas of triangulation, I didn't know the rapids were of oppression, I didn't know the rocks causing these rapids she already put in place, I didn't know it was so black around me in this place, I didn't know my seed would become two, I didn't know I would have to choose.

I didn't know true love was in front of me in my hands and not behind the veil, I thought it was her, all the villagers knew, but as I drew closer to the snake the darkness only grew and the seeds too.

The feeling of my lingering mortality reverberates, she built me a coffin and chained it to my ankles, with this immense weight, I carry it with me just in case.

We floated very fast down this River of Anguish, everything seemed fine to all others including me, the darkened skies covered the evil, the cold waters made my body numb, the seeds were held up high to be be safe from the tormenting waters.

As I held them up high, I didn't realize she was still holding the schraded butcher knife in the water, I didn't believe she would hurt me, I didn't conceive the possibility that knife I didn't see was there all along for me.

The waters of Anguish smothered me, the triangulating piranhas slowly nibbled on my feet in the water, the rapids of oppression kept me gazing in the water, the rocks of malice in the water tried to tip me over, but my balance was true and the seeds were safe from harm, but I am not safe, I'm dying inside.

I don't know why, but after every agonizing stab from this knife when I'm not looking, it hurts, but the numbing knife only helped me when it was pulled out, it has holes in the knife so she could pull it out without me knowing.

I always turned around and cleaned the knife covered in my blood, I always gave it back to her, but every wipe upon this blade made it grow, and every wipe made the label on the handle more clear.

I find out in the end this knife is called narcissistic rage, the brand of this knife is called gaslighting and my blood is the supply.

I didn't know any of this until it was too late to save myself, my reality wasn't real, my dreams are gone, my nightmare is all consuming and existent, my seeds are still safe, but I am not.

When I start to notice the knife exists, I forgive her, the conditioning made the skies darker, I wipe the blood off and give it back, the knife is now a sword, it's name is discard.

The waters are uneven, the piranhas of triangulation feel like strangulation, my clothes are still soaking wet with anguish, my hair is slimy and covered in Shame, my feet are cold and numb from the grief.

I can't understand why I'm here,
  I can't understand why I'm actually meant to be here.
  
Every turbulence has thrown me down, she pushes me over head first, as I try to lean up to breathe she has her foot on my neck in the cold numbing river, but this river does not affect her, this river is warmer than her, the warmth from anguish pleased her, the piranhas followed her commands to bite, she smirked as the rocks she placed crushed against my head.

She waited until I went limp every time, but she knew idealization CPR, her deceit was without compassion, her rage was without sympathy, but I had severe ambience abuse amnesia, I still couldn't remember the mountain, I am now trauma bonded from the stabs she's counting.

I only saw her veil, her gaze convinced me I placed these rocks here, her gaze made me ignore the stonewalls around me, her pure hatred was covered in false intentions, her illusion was my isolation.

As everything was becoming clearly dangerous, as everything went pitch black, I look back and see the light from the mountain glowing, I see there is something wrong where I'm at, I see the seeds are not growing, I start to see the pain all around me.

Non the wiser, I keep coming back from drowning, I keep falling for misery, I keep wiping my blood off the blade, I keep isolated, but now I feel there is something painfully wrong, the reason abates me but I feel it, it hurts, it's camouflaged by deceit, it's all in my head, my coffin is soon to be my bed.

I look to the shores, there are other villagers worried, they are waving frantically, they're pointing at a waterfall ahead, this waterfall is called Doom, this fall would be death, the sound is raging, the mouth all consuming.

I see the stream to the side that the villagers are pointing to, I see the calm waters awaiting our safety, but the boat will not fit.

Only me and the seeds are real, everything else around me is illusional, the trauma delusional, the possible harm to the seeds was not refutable, my love for misery was unsuitable.

I could see my life was in danger, I could see the stream nearby screaming safety, I knew the seeds needed me, now I can't stop shaking.

Without her knowing what I was doing, I turned my back towards her facing the water, I knew she was going to stab me over and over again until I turned around, I now see the hypnotic eyes behind the veil. Not turning around only enraged her, the blood on the knife was condesating.

  The safety of the stream for my seeds was a new found glory in my exodus.
  
I paddled with my small hands this large weighted boat towards the stream, her knife was venomous, the water was echoless, the air imparted dreadfulness, all of this was dimensionless, all of this was not real, unless I let it be, now I can see, now I can finally flee.

As I came closer to the stream the waterfall grew stronger, the pain larger, the sound louder, I knew we were closer to the end, I knew I needed to jump off with my seeds, but I know the torment will end.

I melted my enduring pain inside with molten lava heartache to mold anew, I compartmentalize because I have to choose.

I had a vision that if I jump, the seeds will be safe, the climb to the mountain can still happen, I knew I was right about how I felt all along, I realized the veil couldn't cover the true self, I now believed In me.

I now know the water air and land were not what she made me believe, I knew I didn't choose this path, I knew I could survive, I know the seeds are going to be safe now. I know because I manifested instead of throwing in the towel.

Once close enough I finally looked at her and smiled I love you, jumping into the river I could feel the bitter cold agonizing tormenting river smash me with bereavement and disillusion by dissociation, I felt the coma of trauma surround, for I am now trauma bound.

I hold my seeds up high, I kept them safe because they don't feel the water, they're starting to sprout already, no more decay.

As I climb out of the frigid waters and still dripping wet, the drops are red, my feeling is coming back, my back is full of knives, I'm scared but I survived.
Knowing the worst is over I look back to her, she is consuming the river because she was the source, everything dark folds in on itself because the light cannot touch here, for this black hole is collapsing in on itself, I cover the seeds to shield them of this exorcist, they're safe here because my love is relentless.

The tormenting pain makes it hard to stand tall, still going through bereavement of a false reality where I lost it all, the answers we're all lost in the waterfall
"" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" "" ”"" "" "" "”" "" ""

My heart was mechanical
Oiled always by love
Cogs moved independently
Springs always moving in rhythm
This was love in my heart
Intricate pieces moving as one
Affection,
Emotion,
Trust,
Was what fuelled this love
It beat strong
Never wearing down
Always would it beat strong
But then betrayal
Disloyalty,
Sorrow,
Neglected
Dirt had entered this heart
Oil contaminated
Springs oxidized
Cogs bent out of shape
Broken parts,
littered the floor of this heart
What once ran smooth,
Started to go cold
Cobwebs,
Vines,
Empty,
Was this damaged heart
Where once movement
Who could mend
This once loved heart,
Then the tinkerer entered her life
Full of friendship
It took Time, for her to let him in
But what once was reclusive
Friendship,
Blew the cobwebs away
Companionship
Cut the vines away
Loyalty
Filled that empty space
Love
Was the catalyst, that started
This clock work heart again,
Some piece, still lay
On the hearts floor,
For if a clock work heart is broken
It will never be as it was before,
The rust faded oiled once more
A clock work heart is a fragile Piece,
Only give it to those who will
Hold it gently in there grasp.

You're Not Even A Wave In My Ocean,
Had To **** Of Love To Leave Devotion,
Isn't Apathy Just An Absence Of Emotion.

I Cannot Raise You,
Man You Are Grown,
Words Do Not Phase You,
Your Seeds Have Been Sown.

I Walked Away 'Cause With You I Was Alone,
I Couldn't Stay Or Endure While You Moan,
I Am Made Stronger Like A Twice Broken Bone,  
All Your Disloyalty Through The Lies Has Shone.

Snakes & Vipers Still In Sight,
Truth Has Shown Betrayals Plight,
In The End I Won't Fight,
I Can Leave & Wave Good Night.

You Can Have Him
He Can Have You,
Together You'll Dim
Until Fate Is Through.

I'd Wish You The Best,
Is My Name On Your Chest,
Nights When You're Lonely,
I Hope You Don't Phone Me.

'the perfect royalty.'
funny.
funny how it rhymes with your disloyalty, princess.
the world's been wondering where you've been.

no, no one knows how hard your life is.
how hard it is to lie.
no, no one knows how scarred your mind is,
or how bent you are to smile.

'the perfect royalty.'
funny.
hilarious how your title rhymes with your cruelty, acquiesce?
the school's been asking questions 'bout where you've been seen.

no, no one knows how tough this act is.
this character's a show.
no, no one's guessed how rough the fact is
that your life's not one they know.

'the perfect royalty'.
huh.
doesn't mean you're perfect too, you're just a novelty, do you attest?
the mirror's looking for you 'cause you're hiding from its screen.

no, no one understands your worries.
no one cares about your strife.
no, they want to see new accessories,
or else just quit this life.


'the perfect royalty'?

i love the moon
wrapped around my neck
the small crescent moon bouncing happily on my heart
as we hold hands

that same beautiful moon
in which i trace with my fingers
feeling the smooth moonstone
be imprinted with my fingerprints

that same affectionate moon
as it glided on your chest when we gasped for more air
and you held me close to your heart
as the moonlight shined softly from the window

that same wonderstruck moon
we would fight under
tears that reflected the moonstone
always streaming down my face

that same gleaming moon
that you would wipe my tears
with the hands i had felt for years
and all i could do was look up and dream of

that same distant moon
where i had found out about your disloyalty
and i felt myself slipping into vast space
putting myself in front of asteroids just to feel something

that same sickening moon
taunting me with the way it just
stays up there, coming out only at night
only to observe and listen for chaos that reigns after dark

that same wicked moon
that was suffocating me in my sleep
when i would lie next to your empty shell
gasping for air as i wipe my moonstone tears

that same dreadful moon
as it watched me deteriorate in your arms
burning holes into my chest
dwindling my soul until it left me hollow

i... used to love the moon
when i knew that it was lovingly
wrapped around my neck by you
and you would feel the moonstone with your lips

i used to love the moon
until the last star died
and i ripped it off from my neck
and drove myself into a black hole

that same cynical moon
that you proclaimed your love to me too,
was the same ******* moon
that my entire being was shattered by you

...

i ******* hate the moon.

You do not seem to mean any real harm
but in fact you have such a deadly charm.
Someone who’s not aware of your guile
is approached by you wearing a smile.

Many are the ones that you have fooled
who have been all but wrongly schooled
in the serious business of love and devotion
perishing without you showing any emotion.

You turn your back quickly at the sign of any disunity
as if you’ve been waiting for just such an opportunity.
You also don’t really care about anything else except to be praised
and will brook no compromise if any issues of disloyalty are raised.

You think and make out as if you’re always right
regardless of the truth becoming evident to sight.
You’re not to be blamed if anything goes wrong
and will challenge any suspicion before too long.

If anyone happens to open up their heart to you
they run the big risk of having it broken in two.
A deceiving love full of pain is the thing you give
as this is the way by which you know how to live.

Lips of an angel
Her skin, sun-kissed
Hard to bid farewell
Beauty descends upon her bliss.
That curve on her lips
The structure of those hips
Her smile, jailed you in ecstasy
For her, your nights you skip.
Exploring deeper down,
Her beauty matches her ego
Her body hides her corrupt soul
Jealousy, hatred and disloyalty
Her heart—rotten, beastly and stole.

I'm walking
I'm walking
out the door

cause my baby
don't love me anymore

he's been unfaithful
to little old me

running around town
acting fancy free

I'm walking
I'm walking
out the door

cause my baby
is rotten to the core

he'll regret
what he's done to me

he'll rue
his disloyalty

I'm walking
I'm walking
out the door

cause my baby
aint worth it anymore

I'll be better off
once I'm out the door

cause my baby
has done it too many times before

I did not think those words you said
Would make me feel this sad
Or that confirmation of what I already  knew
Could hurt my heart so bad

I guess I blinded myself
Out of fear for misery
It was easier saying I believed you
Than to stand ground and disagree

Plus putting you down for past mistakes
Would not help the situation
Degrading wouldn't decrease disappointment
Only increase aggravation

You do not need to hide the past
Heard you mumble words you will not repeat
"I'll never cheat and hurt you again"
I did not even miss a beat

I winced slightly though you did not see
Luckily we were joined by phone
It suffocated my grieving heart
I kept my hurt feelings unknown

It was hard keeping my voice even
Harder to focus on yours
I pondered ***** details
Many possibilities explored

I've been aware of your disloyalty
For some time now
Yet tore heart more than expected
Hearing it spoken aloud

Pretended not to notice
Told myself I did not care
Your friendship is too dear to me
To lose over an old affair

I think of all that we have been through
Indiscretions I chose to let slide
The lying, betrayal, and pointless games
Trying though hard to put the past aside

Leave your mistakes, and mine behind
Believing it is possible to change
No matter how I wish you to
Only my head has been rearranged

It was I who wanted to know the truth
It sounds different than I thought it would
Discovering getting what you wished for
Does not always feel that good.

I often think of how you must have felt on that eventful day
it must have caused such turmoil in your mind.
You preach of love and loyalty to your father up above
but there was no one who treated you in kind.

Instead you battled prejudice from those you deem to love,
a love that was not plied upon to you,
disloyalty was so pronounce you must of looked to God above
but towards your flock no sediment did stew.

Of those you taught, who turned away announcing they new not
this good and holy prophet in his hour of need.
Allowing all and sundry to pronounce throughout the land,
that to eradicate this man they should indeed.

Your followers fled from you in fear for their own,
should they be of preference to gain?
They watched as humiliation and defacement were applied
and refused upon direction to utter out your name.

It was not until you died upon the crucifix that day
did your followers decide to turn and face the torrents flow
and pronounce to one and all of the mistake that they had made
by announcement of their Lord that they did know.

The lust of the eye can take you far, but is it the path you need to go?

Moving down the river of adventure flow, doing things alone none

would ever know, is this the path to my greatest show, smoothly

gliding on a cloud of hope; hope hope hope, a four letter word with so

much meaning to change a nation, facing a crises of disloyalty running

through the veins of a injustice system, We call "the government,"

teaching us less an less about love, an more about greed blinding us to see our true paths..

Love; what is that? Taken from homes before you where even known,

teaching us Hate, grinding on hate, searching for faith, an some then

else to grasp to, gasping for air, it's clear the corruption will see you

through the darkness in your darkest hour, who do you call on God, it's

clear he's here, but are you thinking in the clear living in a nation built mainly on fear!


D.j.Turner #dobetter people #woh
@dj2_fresh