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Dec 2020 · 135
I Hope I Don't Fall
Vallery Dec 2020
some people call love a game,
and it's not a game,
its a war...
a war between the hatred for me
and my undying love for you,
but succumbing to the enemy is a ruse
and this new life Ive found without you
is decent enough
without the games being played,
or the war being fought...
I simply am not strong enough to stand my ground...
I can't fall
down the hole
that some people call love...

I hope I don't fall
below the surface,
into the deep where the love that I tried to keep
only faltered beneath the weight of my own imperfections...
we lost that connection,
that fire between us withered
like my soul will do
if I fall down that hole
that some people call love...

I hope I don't fall
over the edge,
where the waters crash below,
and the fire glows,
and the weeds grow,
and the evilness of love shows it's ugly head...
I hope I don't ******* fall
into that pit of despair
that some people call love

I hope I don't fall...
I hope I don't ******* fall...
Nov 2020 · 62
How Long
Vallery Nov 2020
how long can I keep saying
"everything is fine, everything will be okay"
before I start to crumble,
before I finally break...
how long can I fake a smile,
how long can I fake happiness
before I start to crumble
before I fall to pieces
how long will I suffer
how long will I cry
before I end it all
before I finally die
Nov 2020 · 249
Vallery Nov 2020
sometimes I think,
and sometimes I wonder...
could we have been in love?
could we have really loved each other?
sometimes I think,
and sometimes I dream,
of what we could have had...
of what we could have been...
and now you're gone,
and now it's too late,
and now I'm left here
to wonder, to cry, to wait...
and now you've moved on,
you don't remember me at all...
you've burned all the bridges,
you let me crumble and fall...
sometimes I think,
and sometimes I wonder...
could you have saved me?
could you have fixed me?
could you have even loved me at all?
Aug 2020 · 403
Vallery Aug 2020
my heart has shattered
and you can't fix shattered glass
so how do you expect me to fix my shattered heart
how do you expect me to live again
how do you expect me to breathe again
my heart has shattered
how do you expect me to love again
I have nothing more to give
nothing more to share
because my heart has shattered
and you can't share shattered glass
how do you expect me to move on and find peace
when the only peace I have is a piece of my shattered and broken heart
there's no solace
my heart has shattered
and I can't pick up all the pieces
every time I try to grab a piece of my heart my hands begin to bleed
they say love hurts but I never realized just how bad it really hurts
because my heart shattered
and picking up shattered glass hurts
so how do you expect me to get a grip or fix myself
when I can't fix my shattered and broken heart
Aug 2020 · 79
Vallery Aug 2020
I said I wouldn't cry
but I couldn't help it
the thought of being alone scares me
I said I wouldn't lie
but I couldn't help it
the thought of losing you scares me
I said I would try
but I just couldn't
the thought of failing scares me
I said I wouldn't die
and I'm sorry but
the thought of living without you scares me
Aug 2020 · 504
nights are the hardest
Vallery Aug 2020
nights are the hardest
it's quiet
and my thoughts are loud
I'm thinking of you
I'm thinking of what I could have had
I'm thinking about everything I said wrong
everything I did to hurt you
nights are the hardest
it's quiet
and my heart is barely beating
I'm losing my happiness
rather what little happiness I had to begin with
my lungs are barely breathing
I'm losing my sanity
rather what little sanity I had to begin with
nights are the hardest
it's quiet
and my life is slowly fading
and the bottle is emptying
my light is flickering, slowly diminishing
nights are the hardest
nights are when I want to sleep and not wake up
nights are the hardest
especially since I don't have you
nights are the hardest
because tomorrow means you won't be there
nights are the ******* hardest to endure
because I'll be without you
and I can't be without you for much longer
nights are the hardest
nights are the ******* hardest to endure
but tonight is the last
tonight will end
and so will the pain
for me morning will never come
and that's okay
morning without you is not worth it
nights are the hardest
but thankfully tonight is the last
Jun 2020 · 111
Vallery Jun 2020
time moves slow
it feels like an hour went by
but in reality
three minutes went by...
time moves so slow
what felt like yesterday
was only an hour ago...
time moves
but barely...
I don't grow
instead I shrink
because time barely moves...
and I hope
that maybe
it may stop
and so will I,
time will diminish
and so will I...
time is slow
and so is my breathing...
time is stopping
and so is my heart's beating...
time is up
the clock stopped ticking
the flame stopped flickering
my lungs stopped breathing
my mind stopped thinking...
time is up
and so is my life...
my time has come
death has arrived
and time resumes
without me
Jun 2020 · 275
Vallery Jun 2020
I'm sober
for once
and it feels
I'm sober
and for once
I feel sad
I feel alone
intoxication keeps me happy
intoxication keeps me sane
intoxication keeps me alive
sobriety makes me feel real
sobriety kills me
sobriety kills me because I can hear my demons
I can hear the voices
I can feel the sadness

I'm sober
for once
and it feels
I'm sober
and I need a drink
I need a pill
I need a needle
I need anything
I need to feel
no, wait
I need to not feel
I need to not feel real
I need to not feel human
I need to feel happiness
and an amber liquid
a small white pill
can bring me to happiness
maybe even put me to sleep
so I'll finally be free
from sobriety
from sadness
from life
from me
Vallery May 2020
he loves me...
he says beautiful words
he tells beautiful stories
he looks at me with adoration,
at least
it seems that way...
he loves me not...
he doesn't always remember me
he doesn't always acknowledge me
he doesn't always keep his promises
it seems like
he loves me...
because his bright smile shines when he sees me
because his eyes shimmer when he sees me
because he told me he loves me
don't mean anything
he loves me not...
because he hurt me
because he scarred me
because he told me he hates me
don't mean anything
May 2020 · 155
I relive that night
Vallery May 2020
I relive that night
over and over again,
wanting to go back...

wanting to go back
and feel that same happiness,
feel that same feeling...

I relive that night
and I think about how you
create peace in me...

I remember your
eyes and how they looked at me,
how your hands touched me...

I relive that night
and my heart starts to smile...
I want to go back
Vallery Feb 2020
the room is quiet
my thoughts are loud
i see shadows
i see demons
i see my future in the ground
the rope is tied
the gun is loaded
i see the end
i see death
im shattered and broken
death is a friend
i am not scared
death is near
death is good
no one really cared
the room is cold
my thoughts are quiet
im at the end
im with death
how else could i have fixed it?
Feb 2020 · 105
Vallery Feb 2020
my head hurts
slowly dying
blurry vision
dark muddy thoughts
not a clear decision
Feb 2020 · 219
Vallery Feb 2020
the constant ticking in my head is painful
all i can think about is the
tick tick tick
echoing in my brain
the sound bouncing off my skull
it hurts
im sad
im anxious
tick tick tick
almost like a finger impatiently tapping
like someone is impatiently waiting for me to die
so the ticking will stop
so the ticking will cease
and I won't hurt
i won't be sad
i won't be anxious
i won't be imprisoned by the demons
or the
tick tick tick
i need a solace from the torture
a solace from the pain
from my heartbeat
from my life
i can't take the
tick tick tick
a gun
a pill
a rope
an antidote to life
an antidote to the chains
an antidote to the infuriating
tick tick tick
that goes on inside my head
pull the trigger
swallow the pill
tie the rope
end my pain
end my sorrow
end my life
anything to end the
tick tick tick
anything to end the feeling of
tick tick tick
Feb 2020 · 611
Vallery Feb 2020
I lie here,

Covered in shame,
All I can think about is my mistakes,
Nothing I've done makes
This life worth living...

Someone listen to my cries or
Let me die.
Each breath is
Please, let me sleep forever
Jan 2020 · 119
Vallery Jan 2020
there is something in my head,
something deep inside me,
living off my happiness and
expelling all my conscienceness

this thing inside my head,
the thing that's deep within,
whispers things to me and
tells me who to be

the thing inside my head,
the thing that's deep within,
is poison slowly killing me and
only death can save me

demons in my head,
demons deep within,
demons come to **** me and
only death can free me
Jan 2020 · 109
i do not, i am not
Vallery Jan 2020
there is light without me
I do not bring joy
or happiness
or purpose
I do not bring
anything to the table
I do not bring
anything useful
I do not bring a single
dam smile to anyone's face
because I am darkness
and light is abundant without me
I do not belong here
with these talented
and smart and
beautiful people
I do not belong here
I do not fit in with these
motivated and driven
and perfect people
I do not belong
where the light is
for I am darkness
and light does not need me
this world does not need me
these people do not need me
I am not needed
nor am I wanted
I am a waste and I am
taking the place of someone
who deserves this
more so than me
because I am darkness
and light detests me
I am disliked
I am unloved
I am forgotten
I am dead
darkness is me
darkness is in my head
darkness is abundant
and the light in me has fled
Nov 2019 · 214
This Life is Stressful
Vallery Nov 2019
I didn't die because I thought that I would give this life a chance and honestly what was I thinking... being dead is peaceful and being alive is stressful and yet, here I am, alive and well because you said I had to give this life a chance... and well, I am, I did, wheres the feelings of happiness you talk about, huh? where is that joy that comes in the morning and all I feel is mourning and honestly what was I thinking... being dead is peaceful... what was I expecting, being alive is stressful... let me make a deal with you... I'll stay alive if, and only if, sobriety is out of the question because living sober means getting over these feelings of losing him and I am not ready to move on, I am not ready to get over us, what we had... living life is stressful, being dead is peaceful. I know this is blunt, I know that this might worry you but trust me when I say I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. I didn't expect you to confront me about my insecurities or try to purify me with sobriety... no, I'm not ready. listen to me when I tell you that life is stressful but being dead is peaceful. why can't you understand that this life is stressful? I didn't die because I thought that maybe this life held something good, but I came to find that life is stressful... and being dead is beautiful...
Nov 2019 · 167
This is a Story
Vallery Nov 2019
it's a story about a girl who wanted nothing more than to feel something instead of nothing. she tried everything, from ***** to drugs to *** and it all worked momentarily and in the end, she found out that temporary happiness wasn't everything she expected. it cost her life. she became disconnected from family and friends left her stranded and she lost everything. it cost her everything. rehab was a bust because when she was released she ****** herself right back into the hole she thought she filled up for good. ***** to drugs to ***... it all worked momentarily and once again she found out that these temporary reliefs were too **** expensive but that didn't stop her. no, nothing stopped her from finishing a bottle, or from going full throttle on someone who didn't even ******* care about her. no, nothing stopped her. ***** to drugs to ***... it all worked momentarily but this time she found eternity.
Oct 2019 · 199
Vallery Oct 2019
you told me you were different
you told me you would treat me right
you told me to trust in you
and I did, I trusted you
and for what?
I lost my sanity
I lost my identity
who I was is no longer who I am
because I let you take that from me

I hate myself for allowing you to use me
lie to me
hurt me
scar me

you want to come back into my life
and... honestly...
I crave the hurt
I know its unhealthy
I know its wrong
but yet
a part of me
wants you again
a part of me is so numb that it would do anything to feel something
even you
especially you
Sep 2019 · 107
Vallery Sep 2019
He grabbed my face and held it close to his. My eyes flutter open, I'm trying to get my bearings. “Wake up,” he sneers, “It’s time to go.” I reluctantly obey, knowing full well this is my demise. He reaches for my hand and pulls me away from the warm comfort of my bed. As I blink we are transported to a dark, damp room, with nothing in it but four walls and a window. I look around the room, wondering where I am, what could this mean… “This room is special,” He begins, “this room holds only the most deeply pained individuals. Here they rest until they go mad from their demons, killing themselves by insanity.” his cold fingers grace my skin, causing me to shiver. “My child, do not be afraid…” “Surely there has been a mistake, I don’t belong here!” I cry out. He laughs a laugh deep from within, “Oh, my dear, I do not make mistakes. You knew the end was coming, didn’t you?” I nod, for well I knew, although I did not want to admit it. I am terrified. “And the end is nigh, dear one, the end is nigh” I shrink to the ground, bringing my knees to my chest, “this is all just a dream,” I whisper, “I'll wake up and this will be over,” From the corner of the room I hear sardonic laughter. “Make it stop, make it stop,” I plead… “I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this!” The laughter grows until its deafening. “There is no escape, this is your eternity,” Death bellows. As I lie on the ground in a puddle of my own tears, Death wanders towards me. “Isn’t this what you wanted? You wanted to die a most painful death so you could finally feel something again or am I wrong?” “I don’t want this,” I responded wearily, “this is not what I meant…” Death looks me over, His cadaverous hands running the length of my body. “I sense some regret, some guilt… Why may this be?” I sit up, propping myself up on my elbows. “I just… I have done bad things, I’ve made mistakes. I don’t like myself… I’m thinking about everything I have ever done wrong… Maybe I do deserve this?” Death chuckles, “Of course you deserve this. I don’t make mistakes, I am never wrong.” I nod in agreement as Death wraps His arms around me. Now, I feel at home in this cold and dark room. I feel at home in the clutches of Death. I close my eyes and let Death’s grip tighten around me until I go numb.
Mar 2019 · 145
How I Feel
Vallery Mar 2019
The darkness of night

And the starless sky above

Is all that I can see

Its all I've ever known

But it doesn't seem as scary

When you're all alone
Mar 2019 · 188
Vallery Mar 2019
I travel the wastelands of my mind, searching for a drop of water, a life of my own. The sunlight, she beckons me. I slowly crawl towards her, searching for an inkling of purpose to this journey, a drop of water, a life of my own. Could the sun who shines so bright hold the answers I so long to discover?

Time creeps by, day after day, week after week, month after month, century after century... After all this time the sun still calls for me. With every aching move my muscles make, the sun travels light-years ahead of me, calling me to her.

This is solely a window into the barren lands that is my mind. Perhaps I use this as a way to let in someone who knows what it's like to search longingly for an answer, or perhaps to let in someone who sees something in me I  cannot see. Whatever it may be, you are the chosen one and possibly, the only one...
Mar 2019 · 128
Vallery Mar 2019
In the midst of all this greenery sits a sun in all its riddled glory, attempting to cast a light over the shadows of yesterday. And I, fearing for what may come, hide among these shadows, desperate for solace from the pain haunting my inner thoughts.
Jun 2018 · 378
A Voyage
Vallery Jun 2018
As I sail the ocean blue fighting against the monstrous waves, I pray to God begging Him to bring me safely to shore. To perish and be buried at sea in a watery grave does not indulge me, but rather frightens me. I am not one who enjoys the sea, nay, the land is what I favor. Aye, there be where life itself resides, where true love rents a room and where true adventure drunkenly wanders the streets. Around every corner lies a new journey, a new face, a new story, but only if you are willing to find it.
      The waves strike the side of the vessel. The ship creaks and moans. I fix the sails to head northbound. The rain falls steadily against my skin, mixing with the sweat on my forehead. I desperately want to give in, to let the sea carry me where she wants instead of fighting with her. But I know when I reach land I will be rewarded with new life...
     Thunder crashes and lightning strikes above me. I crumble to the floor, cowering from fear. Lo! I must press on. Fear is a stowaway on this voyage, one I could not seem to toss off the side of the boat. He is like a shadow, only he is a constant, not fading in the darkness but rather thriving in it. I remain on the floor. I cry out to God, I cry out above the roaring waves, "take me as I am, take me as the coward I am!"
     The sea, she hungers for more victims. And me, I hunger for death. I hunger for the sweet release of this body I possess. Why, oh why have you abandoned me, God?! Why have you left me here to drown?! I beg you to take me now!
     Alas, silence from God but not the sea. She still roars, almost as if she's calling out to me... Calling out to me, telling me to jump... Dare I?
     The thought of jumping chokes me. Dare I drown this misery?
     Dare I die the way I am most terrified to die?

    I dare
May 2018 · 311
Vallery May 2018
the night I lost it all
is the night I reached adulthood

the night I gave you all of me
is the night I gave up on me

the night I felt you
is the night I felt pleasure...
and the night I lost it all
Apr 2018 · 269
My Love
Vallery Apr 2018
He makes me happy,
The sound of his name brings peace.
The feel of his skin

colliding with mine
sends shivers right down my spine.
He has a good heart

with good intentions,
just the thought of harming me
envokes protection
Apr 2018 · 369
To You, My Love
Vallery Apr 2018
If a rose could smell
any sweeter than your name
I will take it in.

If any tulip
could be as handsome as you
I will take it in.

If any sunflower
could shine as bright as you do
I will take it in.

But alas, my love,
You are sweeter than a rose,
you are more handsome

than any tulip
I have ever laid eyes on,
And you shine brighter

Than any sunflow'r
that has looked toward the sun
in all its glory.
Feb 2018 · 259
Vallery Feb 2018
Every night the moon shines through my window, a new face sleeps on the pillow next to me... a new man, a new one night stand.

Every night the pleasure grows when someone plants their seeds in the garden that never grows, and the shame and grief arise while the pride I once had falls to my feet
Dec 2017 · 299
I Dream
Vallery Dec 2017
I dream of death,
Yes, death.
She visits me in my solitude, in my silence,
She tells me it's not yet time to leave,
But time is of the essence,
And soon I will join her in complete solidarity.

I dream of misery,
Yes, misery.
He visits me in my times of trouble,
He tells me he won't stay long,
But misery loves company,
And soon I will join him in complete solidarity.

I dream of life,
Yes, life.
She often visits me,
She tells me to keep breathing,
she tells me she will come for me one day,

But how can life exist, how can life want someone like me who has already chosen death?
Dec 2017 · 826
I Am an Artist
Vallery Dec 2017
I am an artist,
I paint stories with red ink,
Can I show you a picture,
Can you tell me what you think?

I am an artist,
I paint stories with sharp edges,
I carve into unique places
Some pretty little etches

I am an artist,
I paint stories with death,
She frequently visits me
And takes away my breath

I am an artist,
I paint stories with my skin,
I use a sharp edge,
And a blood red ink
Dec 2017 · 521
Vallery Dec 2017
I am delicate,
With one touch I crumble
And fall to the ground.

I am a spineless,
Pusillanimous being
Who yearns for the end.

I am limited,
There isn't much I can do
Except plead with death,

To relieve me of
This earthly life that I hold.
Send me to darkness,

Send me to a place
Where I won't be able to
Feel any more pain.

All I crave is the
Sweet release of death upon
my pathetic soul.
A proper title is in the works
Dec 2017 · 256
David II
Vallery Dec 2017
I thought that all I needed was you
But what we had wasn't love, but infatuation
A craving for something physical
A craving for a feeling that would only last a little while.
And yet, there I was, giving you all of my heart,
Every ounce of my being was placed in your hands.
And what a mistake that was.
You not only caused pain and misery,
You caused me to lose a part of me that I cannot get back,
No matter how hard I pray and plead.
You made me feel less-
All because of one little touch
Dec 2017 · 208
Vallery Dec 2017
Everything is temporary. Everything. From the birds and the bees to the people among them, to the flowers in the soil to the animals in their habitats, everything is temporary. Our lives are temporary, our feelings, our emotions, our possessions, our loves... It's all temporary.
Nov 2017 · 344
Vallery Nov 2017
Imagine you're locked in a room. It's pitch black... You can't see anything... But you can feel the presence of something there with you... An unknown presence... That's how I feel

Imagine you're sinking to the bottom of the ocean... Gasping for air but only taking in the salty sea water. You're screaming and thrashing around hoping someone will notice you... But you just keep sinking farther and farther into the big blue unknown... That's how I feel

Imagine you're standing on a cliff... Below you is a dark and never-ending abyss. Behind you stands some stranger with his hand on your back... You're too scared to turn around and you're too scared to jump... You're just waiting for the push that could come at any moment... That's how I feel

Imagine you're on a plane that's falling out of the sky... You're stuck, trapped by the seat belt. You can't do anything but sit there and wait for the crash... That's how I feel
Nov 2017 · 165
Vallery Nov 2017
I gave you too much
But the feeling it gave me
Made me feel loved
Even though we never touched
I could still feel your hands caressing me
Your lips on my neck
Your breath on my skin
I could feel your warmth
I want you to hold me
I want you, David
I want you, I need you
Vallery Nov 2017
How can depression be described?

Some say it is like a storm that will come to pass. But my depression is category five hurricane that makes landfall and never dies off.

Some say it is a struggle. But people overcome struggles. My depression cannot be overcome.

Some say it is like a season of sadness. But to me, the season never ends.

Is depression indescribable?

To me, depression is matter less. It isn’t a being, or an object… It just is.

And nothing can be done to stop it
Nov 2017 · 382
What Have I Become
Vallery Nov 2017
I once was a girl
Who was young and innocent and carefree  
But something changed within me
And the world turned against me
Ambivalence and dissonance now engulf me,
Creating something of anxiety inside me
I'm drowning in the depression sea
The life inside of me wanting to flee
I'm being attacked by something unseen
The pain and misery I feel
Is something so surreal
But I'm bound to these feelings
I'm anchored to the bottom of the sea
The demons inside me bury me deep...
What have I become?

— The End —