Twirling through the motions
Emotions by my side
Trying to maintain my hope and pride

I thought I'd felt devotion
Sipped Aphrodite's magic potion
But now all I feel is empty inside

A butterfly with broken wings
I had been fluttering on by
And you held me softly
When I thought that I would die

But not long after you turned away
When I thought you were here to stay

Predictions
Convictions

Led me to be a victim
Of my own heartbreak.

The biological drive can force you to eat
But that doesn't mean her mind is all well and neat

Saturday night
The moon is bright
Party happening
Everything's all right.

I meet a nice guy
But what jumps to my mind?

He only likes me because I'm made up
Oh.
Sigh.

He couldn't be interested,
Certainly not.
Once he sees what I really look like
He'll disappear without a thought.

He won't like the real me,
less make up
with glasses.
This certainly won't happen.

Because I am not good enough,
Someone better will come along.
I don't deserve this,
It's all horribly wrong.

Why get my hopes up?
When it's plain to see.
He would never ever
Like the real me.

Consistently fearful of not measuring up
Not meeting expectations.
My mind's in a rut.

I'll lower my expectations
Accept what comes my way.

He may talk to me now,
but probably not in another day.

Home.
A comforting place to be.
For me?
A place where I can't control what I eat.
Where anxiety grows and encompasses all.
Where my mind tries to determine if I can eat anything at all.
Perfect.
This meal isn't perfect, that meal isn't perfect, can I eat any of it?
This is wrong, so horribly wrong.  Too many carbs, unsaturated fats.
No junk food, no pizza, no desserts, none of that.
But why?
Why does my mind insist all of it's bad.
As though avoiding cake should make me ecstatically glad.
As though proving my control makes me a better person?
Better person?
All it makes me is mad.
Yet these thoughts don't stop.
Even though they're not true.
If I can't succeed at this,
then at least I have food.
But wait!
An accomplishment, that it is not
Because when you get good at it your brain starts to rot
If that isn't the answer, then tell me what is?
See, that's the problem.
There isn't.
Life has no right or wrong, each decision is one decision.
Extremes are not good.
Restriction is not an accomplishment.
Control is not necessary.
Then why do I crave it?
I crave rules, regulations, please tell me what to do.
I want to be perfect.
And as long as I desire this,
the real me,
whoever that is
wherever she is,
to her prison she is doomed.

I close my eyes and breathe.

Teleport myself so I'm by the sea.
Sounds of waves crash and fall
Anxiety doesn't encompass all.

I'm okay.
I hear the rhythm of the waves
Their lulling sound
Keeps my feet on the ground
As my head tries to spiral away.

The breeze
Gentle and free
Reminds me to let this feeling be.
This too shall pass.

For the waves never cease to crash and fall
If they do, soon again they stand up tall
I embody their perseverance.

But soon I must face reality
And leave my humble abode by the sea
But their life lessons I shall take
My fearlessness is rooted in the wake

My mind tells me lies
It jumps to conclusions
Spits out so much negativity most would be disdained.

I try to reign it in
To ensure it doesn't win

But sometimes the thoughts seem so true
It feels like it's mud I'm trying to wade through.

I have to fight every single negative inclination
Be strong and fierce.

To not give into the poisonous thoughts
Like daggers, my mind they attempt to pierce.

The seed was planted
On a flight across the Atlantic.

For whatever reason
I became aware
My stomach seemed bigger
My attention turned there.

Coming home from a trip
My clothes had a different fit
I became concerned,
Parts of my brain started to churn.

I want to fix this.

The flower I began to cultivate
Was one of anger and self-hate.

But most of Grade 12 I was busy
I had to perfect my coursework
Sports, clubs and a job made me dizzy.

All the while the flower was there
Slowly it grew,
I began restricting and exercising more
Nobody else knew

I wasn't getting results
But I am a goal oriented girl,
So as soon as life wasn't busy,
My mind really started to swirl.

That flower grew much faster
Sprouted very tall,
I hid my self-hate carefully,
Only realizing its horror once it became Fall

Petals have fallen, but parts of that flower still stand.

I'm trying to cut it down,
To resist helping it grow,
So the real me can be found
And a new flower I can sow

When I look back at all I've been through
I'm grateful I finally see
The wars and horror I've endured
The hell inside of me.
My strength is undeniable
My courage certainly roars
A hell that few may understand
Yet still my spirit soars.

Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Replaying through my mind
Anxious about every bite I eat
Anxious all the time.
Doubting my abilities
Tearing myself down
Logic sadly lacking,
In my thoughts I'd drown

On and off 6 years of therapy
Untangling my tortured mind
Trying to figure out who I am,
Myself I'm trying to find.

Gaining skills to fight my demons.
Needing some medication too.
A rollercoaster of a journey
episodes of feeling blue.

Yet here I am.

Many times I thought I wouldn't make it
Reached for help countless times you see,
I'll never be perfectly "normal"
a mind warrior is who I'll be

"Make sure you don't get too skinny on me again"

Thank you for the reminder
But this illness is not a choice
Sometimes life gets harder
And I start listening to the voice

The voice is always there
A back drop to my life
Never forgets to bash me
Its negative phrases are rife.

I struggle to believe in myself
Believe that I'm enough
That I'm actually succeeding in life
Letting go of control is tough

Perfection and anxiety rule my head
Along with depression
These thinking patterns swirl around
They're the source of my oppression.

In the future I forsee
Sadness and anxiety
I don't want to dwindle
I want to feel more like me.

I must choose recovery.

Dear Body,

I am sorry
for the pain
I've put you through.

The problem never really was you.

The problem was my goal for perfection.

Be perfect or be nothing.

Doesn't make much sense.
Yet this thought made my life very intense.

I hated you deeply all of grade twelve
In dieting and restricting I began to delve

Desperately trying to diminish you.

Sadly it worked, and you became hurt.

Yet even when I was scarily thin
I never loved the skin I was in

Recovery was hard, but I did gain weight.
But relapse was my impending fate.

I loved feeling accomplished watching the number go down
But my mood and personality fatally drowned.

Who did I become?

My low mood drove me to change my ways
To try to brighten all the darker days

I regained weight.

Eating disorders are not all about weight
Or body image.

They're about repairing your relationship with yourself.

I tortured my body to achieve a goal
Hoping it would make me feel more whole.

And now here I am.

Still fighting.
Fighting to ignore the thoughts in my head
That tell me to hurt you again.

But you don't deserve that
You're worth so much more
Being perfect isn't what you were given to me for.

I am worth so much more than a number on a scale.

I must ignore the thoughts in my head
And treat my body with some respect.

Nourish and care for it, it's the only one I've got
Let media and culture's images brutally rot.
Have my drive for perfection no longer be a thought.
Accept myself and explore a lot.

Staring at this view
A feeling encompasses you

One that replaces the fear and despair
All of a sudden you become aware
Of how you've been living
With a cloud enveloping your mind
Making enjoyment difficult to find

But in this view
Sadness cannot touch you.
The calmness of the lake
Its surface velvety smooth
The sound of the breeze
Gently moving the trees
Birds chirp and water plants sway
Reminding you it will all be okay

Life is to be lived, experienced and enjoyed
Micromanaging it will not fill the void

Pause and take time
to remember the truth
You are who you are
That's enough.
No more to do.
No need to punish yourself for your perceived flaws
For the flaws lie in your thinking
It's possible to achieve
Without having to leave
Your calm, relaxed self in the dust.
Just believe.

Our worlds
were too separate
for us to be together

For the first time
In a long time
I step foot through the door.

To the exercise class I did so much before.

The room covered in mirrors,
Used to induce my greatest fears.

But now, things are different.

I look in the mirror, don't love what I see.
But know for a fact that super thin isn't me.

Just before the class is about to start,
A sight entering the room makes my eyes dart

The sight of a girl, thin as a rail, frail, ailing.

To others she may look thin,
But I'm able to see the disorder within.

It brings to mind a different kind of mirror.
How I used to look, sick and scared.

My heart cries for her because I know the pain
What it feels like to believe you deserve to wane

Our society glorifies fullness in bank accounts and objects,
Yet objectifies thinness, imperfections are faults.

Yet another emotion emerges from me,
I'm glad I'm no longer sick like her,

Will she seek recovery?

I don't want to be sick anymore
She whispered to herself
As tears fell down her cheeks
She contemplated her health

Her eyes have opened, you see
To the relapse she endured
"How could I let this happen to me?"
I thought that I had learned

But mental illness isn't that simple.

It's all my fault, it's all my fault
Her mind starts to insist
I should've known better
I could've done better
Guilt bothers her like a cyst

I'm tired of living this way
I'm tired of all of this
To recovery I will commit

It's hard
Recovery is not a golden path
Easy to stroll down
It's long, it's arduous
But worth it
So worth it.
Otherwise in my thoughts I'll drown.

I will fight
I will take more care
For this new battle
I am prepared

Blaming myself will not help
Negativity is poison as well
Strength, perseverance and might
Will lead me out of this malevolent shell

This guilt, this pain
Is embedded in me like a stain

I never feel like I've done enough
Accomplished enough
What is enough?

I cycle through my days
Through a never ending maze

Even if I reach a goal,
I feel the need to take on another role

Until I stretch myself so thin,
Any leisure time is considered a sin.

I can't be a robot,
I can't be Mother Mary

I can try to do my best,
but my lack of satisfaction is scary

From blue and white uniforms to blue and white pills
Leaving high school was not seamless.

Top of the class, she's having a blast!
But only in that very moment.

Graduation is here, all laugh and cheer,
yet in her something had changed.

I am not good enough, being me is tough
Hey, why not lose some weight.

Moved off to university, anxiety grew.
How many months did she last?
Just a measly two.

The critic in her mind put her in a bind
She truly believed she was doomed.

Time has passed, but she is not cured,
Mental illness isn't straightforward.

Each time I fall back, I come to face the fact
I am ill but learning from my experiences.

Look at me now, it has been 3 years.
She looks thin again, people wonder and fear.

But I'm not the same person I was three years ago
Scared and naive
I have moments of clarity where I recognize the beast
On my personality it wants to feast.

But I will not let it.
I will use my experiences to grow
I will fight with all of my might.

It takes time to rewire your brain
To come to terms with its incessant thoughts

But I will strive to be a healthier me
To find balance
And be more free.

I still remember that day
Visiting home after being away.

Rushing into the bathroom
Staring at the mirror
Not recognizing my appearance
Seeing a girl crippled with fear.

That horror.
I shall never forget
I cannot forget.
Then why do I still listen?

Today I stand in the mirror.
The thoughts circle in my head.
You're ugly, fat and stupid.
I don't think you deserve to be fed.

I wish I understood the neural circuitry
that initiated these thoughts
Wish I knew when my self esteem
Was clearly, fatally, shot

Or did it ever exist? Maybe not.
For as long as I can remember
Pretty?
I am not.

Avoiding mirrors
Holding back tears
Acceptance of the inevitable, ugly truth.

Other people are liked,
I'm a freak.
A geek
Not chic.

I wish I began working on this back then
To not have it stab me again and again

But the past is the past
I can only improve now
I want to rewire my brain,
But the question is how?

I am enough
Hearing those words said to me
Brings tears to my eyes
My own brain never says that to me
It always spits out lies.

Do more, be more, achieve more.
But it's not a gentle nudge
You must succeed or else you'll be
Forever stuck in sludge

A sludge of thoughts of inadequacy
Mentally beat yourself up
You cannot tolerate any less
You'll face a half empty cup.

Exhausted.
Like a hamster on a wheel.
Mariana's trench deep is how I feel
"Let it go" says Elsa
If I could
I would
I've already tried
4856 times
To get these thoughts out of my mind
"Accept them"
"Try to be kind"
How can I when these thoughts put me in a bind
Paralyze me
Overcome my body like a tsunami
And the CD is stuck on replay
Go away
Go away
But still they stay.
And I still try to slay
The dragon of thoughts in my mind.

Facebook memories
Pop on the screen
Gentle reminders
of where you have been
What you have been.

Document happiness
Laughter and joy
But also the sadness
Interleaved in the pictures.

You wonder.

If I had known then
What I know now
Could I have avoided
My major downfall?
Hindsight is clear
Like a picturesque lake
None of us knows
What will be our fate.

So take these memories
Acknowledge they're there
But be proud of your growth
Your climb out of despair
You can't change the past
The future's unknown
But keep making memories
The earth's yours to roam.

The thoughts cloud my mind
Thoughts of worthlessness and despair
Thoughts infiltrate my head,
They may as well be hair.

Accept them as they are.
Just let them be.
Allow the tears to fall,
Let the pain be free.

Yet how can I continuously feel this way
Allow this pain to grow,
Sit as these unruly thoughts
Fall upon my mind like snow.

I'm up against some demons
Their form has morphed into something new
Demons I'd thought I'd banished away
I once again have to muddle my way through

Mud
For weeks I've been wading in it.
Hoping the rain would go away
Praying it wouldn't be here to stay.

Because I lack complete faith in me
I can not see what others see.

In that picture you look great!
My mind can only conjure up hate.

A prisoner.
Of my own mind.

But this prisoner knows its sentence will come to an end
I am determined with every ounce of might
The demons are here
But I have the will to fight.

I'll reach for the stars
Friends and family that brighten my life.
And will help bring me
into new light.

I listened to Ed
Down a path I was led

A path of self destruction.

Oh no that won't work.
He's just a ****.

Time to get back on track.

Weight restored.
Mind is torn.

How can I possibly cope?

I can't go back
Down that dangerous path.

No matter what my mind says.

I will fight for recovery
Challenge my thoughts
Disobey those inclinations
Until that voice rots
It only tells me lies
I don't care about my size.
I want to be free
To truly be me.

With tests there's right and wrong

I loved getting the right answer

But the real world doesn't work that way
Usually no clear answers.

But I still find myself searching
High and low
for the perfect life circumstance
that will make my heart glow

That will leave me content
Restore my joyful self
Instill feelings of hope
Fill my soul with wealth

But it's a faulty search tactic.

Life is never perfect
It can't fully be controlled
Has its ups and downs
As we continue to get old

For a perfectionist like me
This is hard to accept
If I work a bit harder
I'll never be inept

But this means perpetual dissatisfaction.
Only seeing the bad
The world's falling apart
and everyone's mad

I wish I didn't struggle with my mental health
Or think about this so much
I wish I didn't deeply care
About the world's struggles and such

I must believe I can find joy
Contentment and purpose too
To appreciate things for what they are
Hope and positivity to imbue

I'm ashamed to admit
that from time to time
I miss the feeling of my bones.

I miss feeling thin
Feeling empty within
Feeling powerful and in control

Yet this is an illusion.

Depressed and fat, or depressed and thin?
Which mindset will eventually win?

I hope to find a middle ground.
Where self battering isn't a recurring sound.

Can that be found?

Every time I look in the mirror I despise the image in front of me
For all I see
Is an ugly girl staring back at me

Filled with imperfections
Certainly overweight
My mind is filled with copious amounts of self hate

I used to be better at stopping this
At knowing it wasn’t true
But now I truly believe it
And I’m feeling more and more blue

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I am encompassed with a horrid feeling.

The track in my head
Is stuck on replay

You're ugly
You're fat

How'd you let yourself get this way?

I am aware it's not true
But it still makes me blue

I try so hard to stay on track
But sometimes motivation is what I lack

At these moments
I hate how I appear
I despise myself
I despise the mirror

I despise the perfectionism deep inside
That caused this malady, this deep divide

That took over my mind

....

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I realize I have to learn to cope with this feeling

Despite what my mind continues to say
Restriction isn't the answer
Acceptance is the way

Body dysmorphia
Will not rule me
Nor the eating disorder
I want to be free.

To me rejection is like an infection.

I know other opportunities exist
But the feeling of rejection sticks to me like a cyst

I remind myself that there's more out there
That this isn't an attack on me, or signs they don't care

Don't itch a mosquito bite, you'll make it worse
A scab will form, the pain makes you curse

"I'm not good enough" is my bite,
and rejection is the itch that I can't control.

So I sit with these feelings
After elevating my hopes
Sad, depressive thoughts
Immobilize me like ropes

"Be more resilient"
"This shouldn't affect you this much"

These things ring some truth,
but helpful they are not.

I live with intensity, my brain always on
Thinking numerous things, more than humming a song

When excited I'm ecstatic, but when sad I'm more blue
My biology I can't change, coping is all I can do.

So how does one weather crippling rejection?

Believe in yourself, there's still more to do
Keep yourself busy until the storm passes through
Don't beat yourself up for feeling unreasonably blue
Boost yourself up in ways that suit you

I wonder how people are able to be alone
In solitude and peace.
I am unable to do so
The background noise never seems to cease.

My loneliness I understand
Because in the absence of others
My mind doesn't quiet down
Its chattering is a never ending sound.

How did this happen?  
I wish I knew.
"Just don't think about it"
As if doing so will stop it, out of the blue.

My initial thoughts and reactions
Are automatic and quick
But their vile, evil quality
Certainly makes me tick.

They rarely attack others
What I think of myself I could never say
Yet these thoughts recur in my head
Each and every day.

I feel bad about thinking this way
Another thing to beat myself up about.
Beating myself is easy,
But demise is assumed if there isn't a way out.

I'm trying.
I'm trying to not listen.  To make peace with the noise.
But most situations are a trigger.
Just being alive requires vim and vigor.

I admit I am struggling
And all I have to say
Is I hope I can learn from my struggle
To help others in their struggle someday.

I believed I was broken.
Just damaged inside

A girl with too many problems
Too many tears cried

But he came along
Showed me the light

Didn't shy from my darkness
He's amazingly bright

He's kind, smart
and funny too

He listens and comforts
Just knows what to do

He has changed my life
in an excellent way

He always reminds me
That I am truly okay

Recovery, I'm on my way.

Please give us a second chance
The first time around my head was in a trance
Consumed by an eating disorder
Sad and down
Last summer I was consumed by my frown.

Throughout the year
We were busy
Our heads occupied
My life a tizzy

But now I'm ready
If you are
To give this one more try
I believe we can go far

Work hard.
More degrees, more success
No time for rest,
do your best.

Always anxious about school.

...

But don't you love to learn?
I guess that's true
but instead of feeling engaged
I'm feeling more blue
No longer is it about
broadening your mind
now it's about
the endless grade grind.

You're only worth something if your grades are great
Keep working hard, leisure can wait
Do your masters, be grateful for education
Wait.

Who's to say I want more education?
Who's to say that more wealth equals more happiness?

We've become a generation
bred for success
be grateful for your opportunities
when your parents had less.
Denying university?
How ungrateful can you be?
I've worked so hard for you
You're supposed to impress me.

We've forgotten.
Nobody wants to starve, or miss paying rent
But happiness is not cultivated
By more dollars spent
We spend our lives at work
Chasing more and more
Family and friends
are turned into a chore.

If this is the price of success, count me out.
I crave connection and belonging
I need others without a doubt.
Let's turn off the technology,
and reflect on our paths
Unless we start connecting
Discontentment will unleash its wrath

Believe in yourself
and fears will melt away
Believe in yourself
and serenity will stay

For when you let your mind start to run
Your sanity begins to slowly come undone

Have faith in yourself
Try your best
Believe in yourself
And forget about the rest

I weigh more than I have ever weighed
And I've never been more afraid.

The voices are louder than ever before
You're fat, you're ugly, a failure for sure

You'd think I know these are all lies
That this would just render many sighs.

But it doesn't.

It's pain, it's suffering, it's absolute hell
On these thoughts I continue to dwell

Tears are shed.

If I objectively weigh more
Than I ever have before
How can I disagree with the voices in my head?
More tears are shed.

Fix it, fix it! My mind berates.
Weight loss is your impending fate.
Not to lose too much, don't worry
A couple of pounds, you'll be fixed in a hurry.

I'm trying
to not
listen.

But on the cusp of believing it's true.
Restriction and exercise is all I'll have to do.
Control, control
Something I desperately want.

But I must stay strong
And keep holding on
And try to avoid trying to fix this.

I want to be a role model
For younger girls
Accept your body
it's as precious as a pearl

Its imperfections make it beautiful.
You do not have to look a certain way
Or worry about what you weigh
You are worth so much more than that
You deserve so much more than that
Believe in yourself, and start a new day

Just one look
and feelings a year old
come flooding back

I'm not your type,
but sometimes,
human attraction just doesn't make sense.

The way you say my name
is a symphony to my ears
Smart, successful, attractive
Thoughts race as we cheers

Is it crazy?
Yes.
Because you I barely know

But sometimes you just have this sense
Conversation easily flows.

It's just a crush, an obsession
Girls probably fall at your toes.
But sometimes it's nice to have a dream
Even if nowhere's where it goes

I know your success
Does not mean I have failed

But my brain is not convinced
Self battering has prevailed

Suffering.
In silence I suffer.
Attempting to escape the pain.
As my brain becomes more insane.

Relapse.
I crave the number going down on the scale
Crave the feeling of being frail.
Why?

Hatred.
Poisonous hatred as strong as steel
Living in this body is surely surreal.

Broken.
I hate myself thin, I hate myself fat,
Never satisfied, I am sure of that.

Wonder.
I reached for support, now I must wait.
And now that desire is overcome by hate.

Uncertainty.
Of what will happen soon.
Hopefully not spiraling down to my doom.

I want to drill holes in my brain.
I don't have purpose, I'm going insane

I sit here without any real task
Despite the fact I constantly ask

What do I do?  I don't know
I'm being paid to do nothing, it brings me sorrow

I can't just sit here twiddling my thumbs
Thinking in circles until my brain numbs

I do not belong here, I feel out of place
I may leave, these weeks erased.

We both have relationships
Of that I'm aware
Then why do I feel
Like my heart has a tear?

Whenever I see
His shoes at the door
My stomach drops
My heart becomes sore

I am hurting so deeply
So deeply inside
I would like a friend
to help weather the tide

Yet she always seems busy
She's often with him
I'm busy too
But my life seems so dim

It's hard because I know
She's hurting too
I don't want to make her feel
Any more blue

But this feeling has grown
For quite some time
I need to let out my emotions
In a small rhyme

I want to spend more time
just being with her
Studying, reading, laughing
Of that I am sure.

I worry about her
So very much
But with him always here
She seems out of touch.

My heart has been ripped out

Torn from my chest

Trampled and torn

I need some rest.

My pain is intense
My mood dips
I am fat
I feel every ounce of fat on my hips
I try
I desperately try to diminish my size
So I no longer cry
at the sight of my thighs
Body acceptance?
It all seems like lies
Drowning.

I try to restrict
Eat less and less
occasionally "binge"
what the hell, I'm a mess
Exercise more
Move to and fro
But sadly it's not working
My mood dips low
Yet my meds numb me out
Their happiness is fake
Why am I on them?
It's been several years
Don't know if I need them
They cause many tears

Deep in my heart,
I'm clearly aware that
the medication I'm on
is making me fat
Stop taking that.
I try to take less
Lower my dose with care
But withdrawal hits hard
I'm sad and aware

The lights in my head
quickly turn off
Nobody told me
this would happen when I stop
I can't win
But need a way out
Mental health care needs improving
until it does, I will shout

A few weeks ago, I had less thoughts,
But now they’ve come back and they can’t seem to stop

I feel massive and huge
I’ve let myself go
How can I live like this
I’m puffy like dough

I want to control what I eat.

But I’m at the mercy of what my parents make
And the awkwardness that surrounds my plate
I can’t talk about how this is driving me insane
I know I’m crazy, these thoughts are inane

But I don’t know what to do.

I just want to be fit, like what I see in the mirror
Not hate every inch of fat on my rear
I want to be lean.

But what if I can’t have this
That might be true
Too much restriction
Metabolism won’t come through
Messed up my body
Messed up my life
On a path to a body,
I’m filled with strife

I don’t believe this will cease to haunt me
Incompatible with my nature
Incompatible with me
I want to achieve
And be the best I can be
I obsess over my shape
And my unknown weight
I’d rather be destroyed
Than discover I’ve gained

Truly, there is no cure.
Intense psychotherapy
Is the only hope there
But my thoughts aren’t distorted,
It’s our culture, I swear
My struggles are normal
Reflective of today
In these thoughts I may drown
In our culture I am prey

Goodbyes are tough

I still care for you,

Sad and heartbroken,

Changed for the good too

Recovery.

What does that mean?
A goal I set 5 years ago
After trying to "eat clean"
Yet how can I recover
in a world obsessed
with losing weight.

Eat this, not that.
Make sure you move.
Calorie counts galore
You have something to prove.

Dessert? Horrible.
Treats aren't allowed.
Less in, more out
Till you're light as a cloud.

Look at her weight loss
She's been "so good"
Eaten less and less
Lost all that she could.

This is the noise
I deal with.

And I'm told to
not listen
to think otherwise
don't focus on fat
or the size of your thighs

I try
Believe me, I try
But 5 years later
and my body makes me cry
Wanting to be normal
but perpetually sad
No matter what I eat
most of it's bad.

A part of me would give anything
To lose some pounds
So when I feel my body
it isn't just mounds.

Alas.
I don't know if that's possible.

Losing weight is equivalent
to losing your mind
Getting high off "control"
and the "esteem" you find
Obsessed with calories
and the steps you track
Monitoring everything
each and every snack.

No way
to live a life.

Nourish yourself with wholesome food
Don't sacrifice your mood.
So much more to do on this earth
Beyond obsessing over weight and shape.

I know
I know how hard it is to ignore the voice in your head
And all the diet culture, that closely treads

Do what's best for you
You deserve balance with food.

I wish that we hadn't dated last year
I'm doing better now
But alas
You're not here

Would timing have changed
Our inevitable fate?
What if I'd been better
In a "more myself" state

--

But I cannot choose
How the cards fall
At the mercy of the moment
Despite wanting to control all

From this I have learned and grown
In innumerable ways
Lessons I can carry
Into life's next phase

I adjusted myself to the whims of guys who saw me as a playground

I thought that was what I had to settle for as a single girl in a world where "being casual" is an expectation

But deep down I knew
this is not what I wanted to do.

But if I did any less, I still felt sad
People pleasing is what makes me glad

My religious upbringing and morals caused me to see intimacy as something more
Having fun with no feelings is not what I was destined for
Through trial and error I learned more.

Who am I?
What lights my fire?
What is my actual true desire?

Being intimate with someone who actually cares about me
Who sees me as more than an amusement ride that is free

I encourage other girls in a similar position
To think hard and use their own true volition

To discover what it is that suits them best
Women should not have to settle for anything less

When we started dating
a therapist told me
"you shouldn't be in a new relationship right now"

Her point was valid,
I was in a rough spot
But a global pandemic happening
Wasn't my first thought

Our first date before
the whole world shut down
Confined to our homes
Changes abound

But deep down I knew
This was different.
I knew I was being conscientious
I knew this is something I wanted to do.

And here we are over a year later.

It terrifies me
That I can feel
This way
About another person.

You're a light in my life
Conscientious and kind
Accept me for who I am
And my sometimes messy mind.

I love our adventures.
You have taught me it's okay to be selfish
To do things just for me
To go outside and be active
Live more carefree
Yet you're still very driven
And respect that I am too
Always supportive
I truly love you.

Love

A scary word.
Scary to be vulnerable
In an uncertain world.

Attractive, strong, and caring.

Strange to say but true,
I wouldn't be who I am today
Without having been with you.

<3

One week you give me attention
My heart starts to soar
Haven't felt this way in a while
Never noticed you before

Before long possibilities dance in my head
My friend tells me
No
Like yourself more instead

But in my heart I knew
What I wanted to do
With this, I was not through
This made me less blue

Anxious to go out with you
Worries clouded my brain
My friend tried to calm me
My mind was going insane

But it went surprisingly well
Or at least that's what I thought
But alas I was wrong
It didn't mean a lot

I almost forgot

I cannot be messaged
As a last minute choice
I am more than an option
I have a real voice

I deserve more
Someone who chooses me
First on their list
Is where I will be

I had almost given up
Put the phone away
Tried to move forward
No more to say

But then I met you.

Scared but excited,
We went on a date
I worried I ruined it
Doom was our fate.

But you said it went well.

Date number two
My feelings had grown
Felt a connection
Sort of at home

So much in common
You were so nice and kind,
Asked to hold my hand
Stimulated my mind

But now it’s all over.

You were seeing someone else
Picked her over me
Rejected and hurt
How could this be?

In the past,
My self esteem would have been shot
But now I know
To think better thoughts
To know I am worthy
Of being someone’s first pick
That you’re missing out
Good luck with that chick
I can do better
I can move on
Won’t drown in my feelings
I'll look towards dawn

My biggest fear
to this day
is that others won't accept me
when I'm not completely okay

I fight the battles
in my mind
sometimes peace
is hard to find

"Everyone will run from your darkness"
"Nobody will understand"
"Stay. quiet. Your thoughts are quicksand."

But now I'm discovering
This may not be true
I took a large leap
And opened up to you

Wore my heart on my sleeve
chatted about my life
was honest and real
about my daily strife

And

you

listened.

Didn't judge what I said,
or try to offer extra advice
didn't get all uncomfortable
were incredibly nice

Asked amazing questions
That nobody else has
Took a real interest
Really tried to understand

Mind.
blown.

I walked away from our chat
with a smile on my face
and a hope in my heart
as it's a different case

Words cannot capture
how grateful I am
to have someone to talk to
I'm not shut like a clam

You give me joy and hope
which is sometimes hard to find
You also truly care
about the state of my mind

How fortunate I am
to know someone like you
that makes my days seem less blue
amidst all of this
all the world is going through
and having to be distant,
which is sad but true
I'm definitely continuing to fall for you

Does he care about me?

Clearly not.

I was extremely easy to drop.

Yet here I am
Dealing with my rollercoaster of a mind
Trying to focus

"Push through and study"
They all say

But the sadness persists day after day.
Defer my exams?
Maybe.
Okay.

Not all because of him, I assure you that's true
The low mood was there before,
Now I'm just more blue.

Trudging through life as I'm dying inside
All I want to do is hide

Why did he do this?
I don't really know.

---

I need to focus
On just being me
On doing the best I can
The light I will see.

Things are better
that's for sure
but uncertainty envelopes me
For that there's no cure.

I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know who I am
Often fear the future that's coming
It feels like all a sham

Inadequacy consumes me
Despite the gains I've made
Sometimes wish I'd never done so well
Want to hide away in shade.

I'm still figuring out how to make sense of a world where privilege and opportunity determine the basis of your reality.

Where injustice and inequities are at every corner I turn.

Where people only really care about what affects themselves.

I see your pain and suffering
I see how it's so unfair
I guess all we can do
Is try to make others more aware.