The way you make me feel is unspeakable.
And I normally have a lot of words.

You’ve completely changed my life
Helped me see myself in a new light

Quench the emotional intimacy I crave
Make me believe I don’t need to be saved

Altered my way of viewing the world

I’ve been alone for so long
Fiercely independent
Learned that I have to rely on myself.
Take myself to appointments
Don’t burden others with your problems
Stay quiet

With you in my life, not any more.
I can be open and honest and not fear you’ll run away
Talk to you about my struggles that come up through the day
Feel loved and supported regardless of what I say

Magic.

Your companionship
Your hugs
Your being.

Bring joy to my life
I’m grateful I met you
Grateful for your heart
Grateful I took a chance
This is only just the start

My mind wages wars over bread
Wishing that part of my mind was dead

My clothes feel different
How could this be?
Thought I was okay
Try to eat healthily

Alas.
I know I've gone too far
I can't tolerate the feeling of extra skin
Exercise MORE.
Torturous thoughts begin

I sit and try to eat.
But why

The feeling of an empty stomach
coincides with feelings of pride
Accomplishment. Resistance. Power.
And it grows with each passing hour.
The feeling of losing weight,
one of the few things that brightens my state.
Joy, bliss, satisfaction.
But this feeling is fleeting
Like slippers on an icy *****
You fall from your perceived grace
As your mind crumbles
Gone without a trace
Barely recognize your face
Disgrace.

Abandon everything on the pursuit of perfection.
Restriction becomes the object of your affection
When really it's more of an infection.

I want to accept my body you see
Be proud of all it does for me
Make peace with my flaws,
the size of my thighs.
Grow in contentment, no matter how wide.
Self acceptance.
Seems so far away
6 years and counting, still struggle to this day.

Enough.

Your body is the vehicle
through which you experience this world
Perfecting it is unattainable.
As a society, we have more to accomplish than banishing cellulite
or fat.
Make discoveries, help each other, and grow,
Now just imagine that.

Our minds shouldn't be waging wars over bread,
Let's promote peace and end real wars instead.

My internal pain is invisible,
my anguish cannot be seen.
I go through each day
making my way
but with little knowledge of where I've been.

Working, volunteering, trying,
to spark a bit of joy
but I still feel blue,
what am I to do?
My smile is a ploy.

Help.
I'm screaming on the inside
Hoping someone will notice and care.
For now, I feel like a burden
wallowing in my despair.

I'm tired of pretending to be normal
Of the appearance that I've made
Of seemingly being high functioning
When in truth I'm continuing to fade

I'm sorry I can't be happy,
I'm sorry I'm always this way,
hoping someone perhaps reaches out,
tells me it'll be okay

I've learned so much, alas,
Nothing seems to work.
"You're fine Laura, keep going"
Until my brain truly goes berserk

Be perfect.
No mistakes.
I'll keep you safe
Don't worry, okay?

Words from the critic inside my head.

Study more, eat less,
Look at you, you're such a mess
Follow my rules
And you'll be great
Excellence will be your fate.

But wait.....
Life is not perfect.

It has ups and downs, twists and turns
Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you get burned

It's a wonderful, messy place.

My whole life I loved my status
I loved being known as smart
It delved deep into me and attached itself to my heart

I survived all of primary and secondary school
On my imaginary pedestal.

But once you're in the bigger world,
It's hard to excel
To know you're the best
So you strive for control
In ways you know best
Food and school
Perfect each test.
Rules rule your mind.

I dream of a day
When I can just be me
Not the best, a little more carefree
Where I don't feel the need to prove my existence
Where failure doesn't bury me in a hole 8 feet deep
Where my expectations are more realistic.

Each day I'm getting closer.
Each day I'm learning more.
Some days I'm more forward, other days I'm back
But as long as I stay on the right track
My battered soul will be free from attack

Time and time and time again
I come back to the same thought
The same feeling
The same obsession
Lying on my back, staring at the ceiling

Intensity.

Why haven't I studied today?
I feel my body, and it's not okay.
Every part feels like it is too much, I am too much
What happened?
How did I let it get this way?

Tears.

I am too uncomfortable in my skin
Depression is beginning to win.

Despair.

Let the thought spiral begin.

Fat.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Failure.
Disgusting.
Worthless.
Disgra­ce.

A sadness and sorrow so encompassing it feels as though you've been winded.
Ripped in half.
You want to cry
While your demons laugh.

Skills, coping mechanisms, lessons learned
Yet nothing seems to actually work
Just let it be, leave it alone
While you feel like you're being smashed by a stone

Recovery.
Stuck half way.
More work to do.
To be more okay.

In the midst of anxiety
You make me feel calm
When I'm with you
Nothing feels wrong

Your smile, your care
Brightens my day
Makes me feel like I'm more okay

You see my struggles
My overthinking mind
But accept and support
You're one of a kind

With you
My world is brighter
And makes more sense
I'm able to strive
but feel less intense
You see the good in me
When my brain is a bit blind
And help me to grow
and try to unwind

I'm grateful for you
And everything you are
In my darkened, black sky
You're the scintillating star

When I'm feeling low,
the familiar obsessions start to flow

Discomfort in every inch of my body
I loathe every aspect of it.

My stomach is huge,
my thighs too wide
I'm fat and disgusting
No matter how hard I try.
I have no control
I'm a lazy slob
I used to be accomplished
Now I'm a blob.

No idea who I am
No idea what to do
All that I ever want
Is truly just to lose
I want to be thinner
I want to lose weight
I want to be fit
No more body hate
There's a magical number
That will make things okay
I'm way above that
Scared to see what I weigh

Others would say
I don't see the real me
My body is "great"
I'm fit and pretty

This used to be
How I thought every day
I'm grateful it's lessened
But some thoughts seem to stay.

These thoughts are just thoughts
I can survive this blow
Look toward better days
When more helpful thoughts flow

I loathe you.

I’d finally gotten to a place,
happiness on my face,
accomplished and proud,
wanted to sing out loud

But that’s
                     all
                             gone.

My body is my enemy,
a never-ending foe
I’ve tried hard to move to acceptance
Neutrality in the least
Yet here I am still angry
My body is a beast.
Hypersensitive to every touch
Every feeling I endure
Extra pounds and never-ending fat
I hate it, that’s for sure.

How’d I let this happen?
Get so out of line?
I crave stability
Need it.
For my small smile to shine.

This self hatred is deep seated
This failure hits me hard
Need to do my best to stay on track
Make sure to keep up my guard.

Is this delusional?
Probably.
Most would balk at my self critical remarks.

But until I can get back to where I was
My mind will be in the dark

Making decisions
Encases my mind in worry and fear
A cloud of unpredictability
I shed many tears
I'm not good at making decisions
My brain starts to scream
One time I decided to lose weight
Wanted to be lean.

Horrible decision
Nearly ended my life
Dove into the world of mental illness
Numerous years of strife.

I just want to be happy
As a child that's all I wanted to be
Don't know how to achieve that
When darkness envelopes me.

I must fight to remember my purpose
Remember why I am here
A warrior of my mind
Advocating far and near

When you destroy yourself,
you destroy me.

I know it shouldn't work that way
But how can it not, as day after day
You work yourself to death.

What are your hobbies?
What brings you joy?
Nothing?

I'm tired of your melancholic mood
How you never prioritize food
Work for 80 hours per week
As anger and rage you continue to leak

How do you not see this?
"I need to provide"
For a family you are killing
On the inside
we've tried
oh yes, we've tried
to explain this all to you
but denial and tears is what comes
and now I'm totally through.

You can't fill from an empty cup.
But on you, I've given up.

I worry about you all the time.
I don't want to see you die.

Nagging, yelling, crying.

I can't let this destroy me.
I need to move forward in another direction.
And find who I am without this infection
of never tolerating less than perfection
as I face this life intersection
help.
I don't want to live this way.
I need to know that I'm truly okay.
To honour myself as I would a friend.
Know that imperfection doesn't mean the end.

Why can't you support me?

But your support, I don't need.
I'm an adult with my own two feet.
I'll stay strong and continue my fight
Keeping you out of sight.

Thanks for the invalidation.

When you beat cancer, you are met with joy and praise
People commend you on your strength and bravery
People celebrate your achievement

When you recover from an eating disorder, you are met with silence
Or "thank goodness you aren't crazy anymore" or
"I'm glad you're making better choices" or
Distaste with how your body has changed and is less socially acceptable.

Both deserve praise.
Both deserve congratulations.
Both deserve support.

That's why I fight.
Why I talk.
Why I educate.
Mental health IS health.
And coping with a mental illness or recovering from it is one of the hardest and most isolating battles one will face

When you hug me, the world feels brighter
You inspire me to believe
You do so many things for me
Inspire me to achieve

We go on fun adventures
Discuss world problems too
Grateful for your smile
Grateful I chose you.

I'm tired of overthinking
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of not feeling good enough
Of emptiness and loss

I'm tired of feeling purposeless
"So smart" but no direction
Thinking suffering has meaning
But doubt is my infection

I dream of knowing what I'm meant to be
What I can contribute to this earth
What job will fill me day by day
As I try to own my worth

I think about those suffering
Unable to get aid
I think of all the sadness out there
In mud many people wade

I want to have a positive contribution
Bring joy to others I see
I want others to know they're not alone
Like others did for me

My DNA is prone to sadness
Anxiety's in there too
But I've learned some ways to cope with them
It's okay for me to feel blue

I worked so hard
for what?
It truly seems silly now
Sacrificing my health for amazing grades
Wasn't worth it, I can vow

Turn my wounds into wisdom
Is what I want to do
I have to hold onto embers of hope
Know my intentions are true

It's important to just try things
Let go of past goals,
We're constantly changing and growing
On our quest to feel more whole

From July 2017:

Explaining how I feel to others
Is a difficult feat

For they are unable to see the wars waging in my mind
How sanity is what I'm desperately trying to find

Worried about the future
Contemplating the past

Battling the rules I rigidly made

Rules that were supposed to keep me safe and sound
Turned me around

Trying to organize the chaos that encompasses my life
So many things I want to do, but never enough time

Picking on myself is automatic you see
I'm trying to stop perpetuating my misery

But depression is a sadness you cannot shake
A welt in your side you cannot heal
Sadness encompasses you and you'd give anything to not exist

Anxiety reminds you of everything you haven't done
How you aren't good enough
How everything is impossibly tough

Perfectionism urges you to succeed
But if you're inadequate, taunting proceeds

The eating disorder developed out of low self esteem
War on my body
War on the image in the mirror

A satisfactory punishment
For all I mess up in
A method of control
A desperate attempt to succeed in something
Anything
Numb the emotions
Quiet the pain
Dwindle and disappear
But you go insane

An unhealthy coping mechanism
No way to live a life
I'm starting to see through this never ending strife
I'm beginning to accept myself for who I am

To acknowledge how far I've come
How perhaps I'm not incredibly dumb
Recognize the lies that my mind whispers to me

Each day is a challenge
Each day is a test
Each day I'm trying to do my best

From my experiences I have so much to give
I am continuing to learn
I want to share my knowledge
As my passion for mental health
Continues to live

I never knew
It could be true
That I could feel close
To a boy I knew

Everything is better
when I'm by your side
The darkness fades,
I've turned the tide

Yet
This doesn't feel like an unhealthy obsession
Like it always has before
On my own I'm okay
But together I'm something more

Living in the moment
Enjoying things day by day
More compassion for myself
and my body as it is today

Months ago I was convinced
That darkness was my fate
But hope and help and support
Has shown me the life I can create

You look at me and smile
and anxiety melts away
My heart grows
My brain knows
Things might actually be okay

You listen to my ramblings
Put up with my weird quirks
I didn't know
That this could grow
My past is filled with jerks

You accept me for my struggles
Past and present day
Didn't think that that was possible
Is what I used to say

Attractive, kind, and fun
and lots of chemistry too

In an uncertain future
I'm glad to say
I've spent some time with you.

For the first time

in a very long time

I actually feel joy.

I feel peace
and calm
can appreciate good songs
the light in my brain has turned on

Concentration and focus
have graciously returned
Clear thinking and contentment
For this I've yearned

I stare at the trees
How plants sway in the breeze
The beauty of nature
is something I now seize

Gratitude

I truly never thought
These feelings would return
Thought I was doomed to sadness
and never-ending hurt
Be numb or depressed,
Neither preferred

Close to giving up.

This feeling may not stay,
But I'm grateful to have felt this way
even for a few days.

I cherish this outlook
and the way that I feel

I'll use what I've learned
To help others hope to heal

I care for you
And your brilliant mind
Being with you I find peace
Which is normally hard to find

Conversations
Endless and fun
You believe in me
When I think everything is done

These feelings
Are hard to describe
Normally I talk
But these thoughts I can't scribe

Alas

What do I do?
Do I tell you?

Afraid to make changes
for things to turn out wrong
to ruin
everything
keep things where they belong

I fear the repercussions
Of expressing my truth
As I've already done it
I need to get over it
Get over it, I'll try
But I'm stuck under it
Can't reach the sky

Deep down I know
You don't feel the same
So repression shall win
In this heartbreaking game

Looking in the mirror today
I noticed the size of my thighs
A common culprit
of body hate
Just another feature
I berate

Why?

During a spin class
Comparison seethes
All I hear
in my ear
"you're fat and ugly and disgusting"

Poetic?
Certainly not.
But I can't seem to throw away that thought.

I can't even believe that it isn't true
It's been so long, don't know what else to do

You're smarter than this, know you need food.

Help.

Nothing in my life makes sense.

What's the point?
I'm not so sure.
Wherever I turn, sadness endures
So much wrong in the world,
where do I turn?

I need to believe there's still good
I need to believe it gets better
I need to find my purpose
Or my eyes will continue to get wetter