Imagine a voice.

The voice of negativity.

Sitting prettily in the back of your head.

Judging your every move.

Your every inclination.

You got one wrong on a test?
You ******* up.
How could you be so dumb?
Try harder next time.

You had a treat?
Who says you deserve that?
Certainly not I.
You lazy, fat, sloth.

Is that your reflection in the mirror?
Now isn't that terrifying?
That acne, that hair.
Yikes.

I run amok in your mind.

I control your every last move.

Just try to escape my wrath.

You blubbering, bumbling fool.

I care for you
And your brilliant mind
Being with you I find peace
Which is normally hard to find

Conversations
Endless and fun
You believe in me
When I think everything is done

These feelings
Are hard to describe
Normally I talk
But these thoughts I can't scribe

Alas

What do I do?
Do I tell you?

Afraid to make changes
for things to turn out wrong
to ruin
everything
keep things where they belong

I fear the repercussions
Of expressing my truth
As I've already done it
I need to get over it
Get over it, I'll try
But I'm stuck under it
Can't reach the sky

Deep down I know
You don't feel the same
So repression shall win
In this heartbreaking game

Imagine opening your eyes in the morning
Yawning at the start of a new day

Birds chirp and the sun shines into your bedroom
As you begin to gain consciousness, you may think
"I'm excited to go to school today" or
"Work will be interesting"

But in my mind the bully steps onto the stage
Get moving, start doing, it endlessly berates
Sleeping in isn't an option today

What I should do is based on my thought out inadequacies
Too fat, too lazy, the gym is where you'll go
But I'm trying to exercise for wellness
Where's the distinction? I don't know.

You didn't accomplish much yesterday
Not enough was done
You should have been studying more
In my mind these thoughts run

You are not good enough
Endlessly on repeat
Overthinking everything
Sensitive to everything I eat.

Intense, strong emotions
cloud my mind
The bully in my head
Is never very kind.

"Just don't listen to it"
"You know that's not true"
But it's so natural and automatic
For years it's told me what to do

This same drive propelled me
To excel in school
To be athletic and involved
It was a useful tool

Before Gr. 12 it wasn't so harsh all the time
When it became more malicious
I am not so sure
I endlessly compare myself to everyone I encounter

So balance is what I'm trying to find
Its inclinations I'm trying to endure

---------------------------------------------------------­---------------

Each day a war
Each day a battle
Some are better than others
I'm striving for equilibrium
And to make peace with the bully

Demonizing the bully is not effective
Nor is dismissing its thoughts
Because bullies have their own muddled pasts
I believe my bully is a little girl that is fraught

She's trying to keep me in line
Aware of the passing of time
Anxious about what's to come
Believes in control, well at least some

I have always worried about the future
Unsure of what lies there
Control is an attempt to ensure success
In a world that is uncertain and unfair

I busy myself in an attempt to distract
But I get so busy I throw myself off track
Forget to focus on what I have learned
To recognize I needn't be so concerned

It seems as I cycle through periods of stress
When my mood and my mind are more of a mess
When my coping methods may not be the best
But rest assured I'm trying, I'm trying on this quest

The surface you see may not really be me
I try to put on a brave face
Decisions, the future, which were terrifying to me
I'm now living through, to discover who I'll be

Before I go to bed
With the bully still in my head
What quiets her is utter exhaustion
But what sustains me is an ember of hope
That what I've endured can help others
All I want to do is help others
And make a difference in someone else's life
To assist them in alleviating parts of their strife

Making decisions
Encases my mind in worry and fear
A cloud of unpredictability
I shed many tears
I'm not good at making decisions
My brain starts to scream
One time I decided to lose weight
Wanted to be lean.

Horrible decision
Nearly ended my life
Dove into the world of mental illness
Numerous years of strife.

I just want to be happy
As a child that's all I wanted to be
Don't know how to achieve that
When darkness envelopes me.

I must fight to remember my purpose
Remember why I am here
A warrior of my mind
Advocating far and near

One week you give me attention
My heart starts to soar
Haven't felt this way in a while
Never noticed you before

Before long possibilities dance in my head
My friend tells me
No
Like yourself more instead

But in my heart I knew
What I wanted to do
With this, I was not through
This made me less blue

Anxious to go out with you
Worries clouded my brain
My friend tried to calm me
My mind was going insane

But it went surprisingly well
Or at least that's what I thought
But alas I was wrong
It didn't mean a lot

I almost forgot

I cannot be messaged
As a last minute choice
I am more than an option
I have a real voice

I deserve more
Someone who chooses me
First on their list
Is where I will be

Loneliness is a feeling
That encompasses my very being.

Nobody really cares
It doesn't matter if I'm here or there.

Don't worry your family
"You're in school, you're fine"

But this isn't okay.
I don't want to feel this way day after day.

Connect with a friend, reach out for support
But silence has blocked me, built a secure fort.

I'm tired of being hopelessly alone.

Anxiety
A cloud of fear, bewilderment, and terror
Clouds my mind.

Yet even clouds bring much needed rain.
And anxiety leaves me with nothing but pain.

Rain nourishes the ground upon which it falls,
Anxiety suffocates my brain and sets up walls

It blocks my rational thinking,
Makes me feel as though I am sinking

Rain cycles from the ground to the sky,
But in my anxiety I simply lie

I still remember that day
Visiting home after being away.

Rushing into the bathroom
Staring at the mirror
Not recognizing my appearance
Seeing a girl crippled with fear.

That horror.
I shall never forget
I cannot forget.
Then why do I still listen?

Today I stand in the mirror.
The thoughts circle in my head.
You're ugly, fat and stupid.
I don't think you deserve to be fed.

I wish I understood the neural circuitry
that initiated these thoughts
Wish I knew when my self esteem
Was clearly, fatally, shot

Or did it ever exist? Maybe not.
For as long as I can remember
Pretty?
I am not.

Avoiding mirrors
Holding back tears
Acceptance of the inevitable, ugly truth.

Other people are liked,
I'm a freak.
A geek
Not chic.

I wish I began working on this back then
To not have it stab me again and again

But the past is the past
I can only improve now
I want to rewire my brain,
But the question is how?

Second year started
And so did her second round of battles.

Her struggles with the voice in her mind amplified
Walking around campus terrified
Alone.

This creeping sense she wasn't okay
Slipped more into her mind each and every day
But I'm supposed to be better, what can I say?
Silence engulfed her.

Reaching out seemed like reaching across a chasm.

That voice is relentless, it never stops.
Anxiety and depression come out on top.
Controlled by her disordered mind.

On the outside, "I'm fine"
Her weight hasn't plummeted so she's fine.
She's fine.

Walking on a fine line.
Between two walls closing in.
Remnants of an eating disorder on one side and anxiety on the other
Threatening to crush her.

Yet no matter how far the chasm may seem,
it's another illusion my brain just perceives
Help is all around.
There is no shame.
Asking for help won't taint your name.

Reach.
No matter how far your arm has to stretch you will find something to grasp.
Helping hands to push the walls apart.
Helping hands so your life doesn't seem so dark.
Helping words to counter that voice.

A second year started wrong,
yet it's never too late to turn things around.
To diminish that voice until it's just a faint sound.

A second chance to grow.

I don't want to be sick anymore
She whispered to herself
As tears fell down her cheeks
She contemplated her health

Her eyes have opened, you see
To the relapse she endured
"How could I let this happen to me?"
I thought that I had learned

But mental illness isn't that simple.

It's all my fault, it's all my fault
Her mind starts to insist
I should've known better
I could've done better
Guilt bothers her like a cyst

I'm tired of living this way
I'm tired of all of this
To recovery I will commit

It's hard
Recovery is not a golden path
Easy to stroll down
It's long, it's arduous
But worth it
So worth it.
Otherwise in my thoughts I'll drown.

I will fight
I will take more care
For this new battle
I am prepared

Blaming myself will not help
Negativity is poison as well
Strength, perseverance and might
Will lead me out of this malevolent shell

Be perfect.
No mistakes.
I'll keep you safe
Don't worry, okay?

Words from the critic inside my head.

Study more, eat less,
Look at you, you're such a mess
Follow my rules
And you'll be great
Excellence will be your fate.

But wait.....
Life is not perfect.

It has ups and downs, twists and turns
Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you get burned

It's a wonderful, messy place.

My whole life I loved my status
I loved being known as smart
It delved deep into me and attached itself to my heart

I survived all of primary and secondary school
On my imaginary pedestal.

But once you're in the bigger world,
It's hard to excel
To know you're the best
So you strive for control
In ways you know best
Food and school
Perfect each test.
Rules rule your mind.

I dream of a day
When I can just be me
Not the best, a little more carefree
Where I don't feel the need to prove my existence
Where failure doesn't bury me in a hole 8 feet deep
Where my expectations are more realistic.

Each day I'm getting closer.
Each day I'm learning more.
Some days I'm more forward, other days I'm back
But as long as I stay on the right track
My battered soul will be free from attack

Diagnosed with an illness
Recovery in sight
Diagnosed with an ailment
Be prepared to fight.

I'll be over it
In hopefully just a year
But that's not how mental illness works,
Not at all my dear.

A beast chronic in nature
Ready to attack
The first experience with the beast
Won't be your only setback.

It takes time to heal
To learn to cope and live
Recovery is exhausting
When you give all you can give.

But dear you'll be inspired
By tiny moments each day
When joy and gratitude fill you,
The beast is kept at bay.

Continue to fight for those moments
Your medicine is positive thought
Use the strength and skills you've acquired
The beast is discouraged by battles well fought.

Ed is beckoning me.

You could be lighter, thinner, better.
Feel those powerful bones.
Feel the control, the achievement.
This body is yours to hone.

No fat jiggling on your body
Firm skin and muscle is all
Feeling wispy, light and airy
Wonderful and small.

I just want to be thinner.

---

Girls across the world wishing for this
As they scroll through unlimited feeds
Young and impressionable
Fairly easy to do
Just don't eat.

But it can become an obsession,
Always wanting more
Always an imperfection to fix
Just another pound more

Diet, diet, diet.
Eat this, not that.
No carbs, no sugar, no processed food.
Keto helps get rid of fat.
The messages are relentless
They're everywhere we look.
We are so obsessed with our bodies
Diet culture has us hooked.

I worry about the younger generation
More exposure to images of thin
Sharing tips for what to eat in a day
Eating bread considered a sin.

That path leads to destruction.
A trap that holds you tight.
Where your world revolves around food and exercise
Though you feel depressed and lose sight.
Something you can't snap out of
Will almost take your life
As anxiety and depression consume you
But you just can't take one more bite.

We need to start glorifying balance
More images of normal people.
Rewire the way we think about food and exercise
Something more in the middle.

I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts
Though some days they scream very loud.
I don't need to be smaller.
I need to raise my voice and be proud

1...2...3...4
I don't want to be underweight anymore.
My intention was never to go this far you see
But overactive self criticism got the best of me.
Determined to gain life back.
But sometimes put off track
by the illusion of control from my perfectionist mind
I sometimes find myself in a bind
My mind at war
What for?
The voice is not a choice
But recovery is
Constantly resisting the urge to restrict
So I will no longer look sick
Life is tough.
Life is rough.
But if a group of small people can change how I see
I can learn to accept just being me.

Believe in yourself
and fears will melt away
Believe in yourself
and serenity will stay

For when you let your mind start to run
Your sanity begins to slowly come undone

Have faith in yourself
Try your best
Believe in yourself
And forget about the rest

Every time I look in the mirror I despise the image in front of me
For all I see
Is an ugly girl staring back at me

Filled with imperfections
Certainly overweight
My mind is filled with copious amounts of self hate

I used to be better at stopping this
At knowing it wasn’t true
But now I truly believe it
And I’m feeling more and more blue

From blue and white uniforms to blue and white pills
Leaving high school was not seamless.

Top of the class, she's having a blast!
But only in that very moment.

Graduation is here, all laugh and cheer,
yet in her something had changed.

I am not good enough, being me is tough
Hey, why not lose some weight.

Moved off to university, anxiety grew.
How many months did she last?
Just a measly two.

The critic in her mind put her in a bind
She truly believed she was doomed.

Time has passed, but she is not cured,
Mental illness isn't straightforward.

Each time I fall back, I come to face the fact
I am ill but learning from my experiences.

Look at me now, it has been 3 years.
She looks thin again, people wonder and fear.

But I'm not the same person I was three years ago
Scared and naive
I have moments of clarity where I recognize the beast
On my personality it wants to feast.

But I will not let it.
I will use my experiences to grow
I will fight with all of my might.

It takes time to rewire your brain
To come to terms with its incessant thoughts

But I will strive to be a healthier me
To find balance
And be more free.

My mind wages wars over bread
Wishing that part of my mind was dead

My clothes feel different
How could this be?
Thought I was okay
Try to eat healthily

Alas.
I know I've gone too far
I can't tolerate the feeling of extra skin
Exercise MORE.
Torturous thoughts begin

I sit and try to eat.
But why

The feeling of an empty stomach
coincides with feelings of pride
Accomplishment. Resistance. Power.
And it grows with each passing hour.
The feeling of losing weight,
one of the few things that brightens my state.
Joy, bliss, satisfaction.
But this feeling is fleeting
Like slippers on an icy *****
You fall from your perceived grace
As your mind crumbles
Gone without a trace
Barely recognize your face
Disgrace.

Abandon everything on the pursuit of perfection.
Restriction becomes the object of your affection
When really it's more of an infection.

I want to accept my body you see
Be proud of all it does for me
Make peace with my flaws,
the size of my thighs.
Grow in contentment, no matter how wide.
Self acceptance.
Seems so far away
6 years and counting, still struggle to this day.

Enough.

Your body is the vehicle
through which you experience this world
Perfecting it is unattainable.
As a society, we have more to accomplish than banishing cellulite
or fat.
Make discoveries, help each other, and grow,
Now just imagine that.

Our minds shouldn't be waging wars over bread,
Let's promote peace and end real wars instead.

When you hug me, the world feels brighter
You inspire me to believe
You do so many things for me
Inspire me to achieve

We go on fun adventures
Discuss world problems too
Grateful for your smile
Grateful I chose you.

These moments always bring her dread
For they arouse the negativity in her head.

To most kids, they sit and anxiously wait,
While she awaits her most feared fate

Papers passed about by the teacher.
Students scramble to get their grade.
She sits there, wishing the moment would pass.
Wishing she could simply fade.

The verdict's in, the marks are out,
Kids discuss and compare.
They ask her what she got,
She wishes she were anywhere but there.

She sneaks a peak at the paper,
Immediate thoughts cloud her brain
Students desperately want to know,
She braces for the impending pain.

"I beat her, I beat her!"
A few students cry
Others beam at their amazing feat.
As the girl feels her insides die.

"You're an idiot, how could you get those wrong?"
The mockery arises in her head.
She hates herself more than you'll ever know,
A few of her tears are painfully shed.

Her faults are pointed out by others,
As they celebrate their victory,
And her internal demons hiss at her,
From criticism, she is never free.

These instances may seem short-lived,
The pain will surely pass,
But these cracks in her self confidence
Caused it to shatter into broken glass.

Before the illness descended on my brain
I never felt particularly insane

Eating disorders are not all about wanting to be thin
The pain is much deeper and emerges from within

Your self concept is shattered.

I don't think others understand
What it takes to recover, to escape quicksand.

Eating disorder thoughts are rotten and cruel
They convince you that you are a complete fool

They spit negativity into your head
You believe your thoughts, tears are shed.

Your appearance in the mirror you continue to hate
Vile thoughts continue to berate

Try living with that constant dread
Like walking around with a boulder on your head

At some points wishing you'd be better off

...

Recovery.

Congrats! You've gained weight!
Your physical health has returned, look at that heart rate.

But I gained more than I wanted to gain.
My mind is spinning, the thoughts are insane.

My mind is battling a war each day.
As I try to go to school, be a human, be okay.

The strength and will to do that is intense.
To live with your mind continually on a fence.

To have restriction sit in the back of your mind.
As you try to keep up with school and not get behind.

It is not a choice.
The voice.
Is not a choice.

But recovery is.

To try to live how I want to live.

If you come across someone battling this fight
Commend them on their courage and might.

Be their support.
Even though you may not understand.
Lend a listening ear or a helping hand.

Be the difference in their day.
Help stop their thought spiral, remind them they're okay

Anything you say
Makes a difference.
Acceptance
Love
Care
Makes a difference

Love and care will fuel their fight
To know their thoughts are not right.

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I am encompassed with a horrid feeling.

The track in my head
Is stuck on replay

You're ugly
You're fat

How'd you let yourself get this way?

I am aware it's not true
But it still makes me blue

I try so hard to stay on track
But sometimes motivation is what I lack

At these moments
I hate how I appear
I despise myself
I despise the mirror

I despise the perfectionism deep inside
That caused this malady, this deep divide

That took over my mind

....

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I realize I have to learn to cope with this feeling

Despite what my mind continues to say
Restriction isn't the answer
Acceptance is the way

Body dysmorphia
Will not rule me
Nor the eating disorder
I want to be free.

She thought she had it all figured out.
Biology and psychology, with no doubts.

But alas
Her greatest fear
Became a reality
In third year

Trying to change
the meds she was on
Sent her in a spiral
Her personality was gone.

Crumbling into tears
Each and every day
Not understanding
How things could turn out this way

The world seemed dull
Full of despair
She couldn't concentrate
Every breath a gasp for air

She questioned the point
of university at all
Questioned her program
Her world became small

Thankfully her parents
Lent a caring hand
They were the only ones
Who could sort of understand

Things are improving
Slowly I'm afraid
Still questioning her program
And the decisions she has made.

Veering off the pursuit of perfection
One goal still in mind
To make it through undergrad
Further aspirations left behind.

Our worlds
were too separate
for us to be together

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
An overweight girl
Staring back at me.

A girl who has truly let herself go
Who's allowed her body to grow and grow.

But wait, hold on,
my mind is sick,
It persistently insists
that my thighs are too thick.

That picks out things it knows it can fix.

At a cost.

I can't listen to that voice
No matter how much it yells.
I need to make peace with myself,
get out of its spells.

I will achieve balance
I'll fight for recovery to stay
I'm not turning back
From that position, I won't sway.

I never knew
It could be true
That I could feel close
To a boy I knew

Everything is better
when I'm by your side
The darkness fades,
I've turned the tide

Yet
This doesn't feel like an unhealthy obsession
Like it always has before
On my own I'm okay
But together I'm something more

Living in the moment
Enjoying things day by day
More compassion for myself
and my body as it is today

Months ago I was convinced
That darkness was my fate
But hope and help and support
Has shown me the life I can create

The biological drive can force you to eat
But that doesn't mean her mind is all well and neat

Looking in the mirror today
I noticed the size of my thighs
A common culprit
of body hate
Just another feature
I berate

Why?

During a spin class
Comparison seethes
All I hear
in my ear
"you're fat and ugly and disgusting"

Poetic?
Certainly not.
But I can't seem to throw away that thought.

I can't even believe that it isn't true
It's been so long, don't know what else to do

You're smarter than this, know you need food.

Help.

Nothing in my life makes sense.

What's the point?
I'm not so sure.
Wherever I turn, sadness endures
So much wrong in the world,
where do I turn?

I need to believe there's still good
I need to believe it gets better
I need to find my purpose
Or my eyes will continue to get wetter

I know your success
Does not mean I have failed

But my brain is not convinced
Self battering has prevailed

The minute I set foot in that room
A feeling fills me with doom and gloom
The thoughts begin

The very act of being present in class
I'm immediately in competition with everyone.

The prof speaks
I am weak
Look at all of those smarter people around you
Why can't you be like them?

I don't understand these automatic inclinations
That tear me apart
That make me fear and despise school
That make my heart beat fast and want to run out of class
That make me feel like an absolute fool.

These feelings were constant in first year.
Yet I ignored them, endured the pain.
Hoping from perseverance there would be something I could gain.

I discovered that I still did well.
I did excel,
WHAT THE HELL.

I don't understand how someone who is so anxious and lacks so much self esteem can do well.

But why don't I feel any different?

My mind is constantly lying to me
I'm exhausted from the disordered thoughts.

I don't want to be a victim of my mind.
My self confidence must become more defined.

Dear Body,

I am sorry
for the pain
I've put you through.

The problem never really was you.

The problem was my goal for perfection.

Be perfect or be nothing.

Doesn't make much sense.
Yet this thought made my life very intense.

I hated you deeply all of grade twelve
In dieting and restricting I began to delve

Desperately trying to diminish you.

Sadly it worked, and you became hurt.

Yet even when I was scarily thin
I never loved the skin I was in

Recovery was hard, but I did gain weight.
But relapse was my impending fate.

I loved feeling accomplished watching the number go down
But my mood and personality fatally drowned.

Who did I become?

My low mood drove me to change my ways
To try to brighten all the darker days

I regained weight.

Eating disorders are not all about weight
Or body image.

They're about repairing your relationship with yourself.

I tortured my body to achieve a goal
Hoping it would make me feel more whole.

And now here I am.

Still fighting.
Fighting to ignore the thoughts in my head
That tell me to hurt you again.

But you don't deserve that
You're worth so much more
Being perfect isn't what you were given to me for.

I am worth so much more than a number on a scale.

I must ignore the thoughts in my head
And treat my body with some respect.

Nourish and care for it, it's the only one I've got
Let media and culture's images brutally rot.
Have my drive for perfection no longer be a thought.
Accept myself and explore a lot.

Dear 17 year-old Laura,

Don't worry so much about being perfect
Don't push yourself to get the highest marks you can get

You certainly don't have to do it all
You deserve a break, even if it's small

You're beautiful
I know you may not think that but it certainly is true
Inside and out
Beautiful, that's you

Ignore the imperfections you see in the mirror
For only you are able to see
The "too big stomach" and "jiggly thighs"
You're gorgeous as can be

I know you're scared to graduate
You became comfortable in high school,
But the world is so much bigger,
Adventure awaits you

Please don't think that you're ugly
Boys will come and go
Focus on liking yourself
Though that's hard, I know

The summer did flash by for you
University hit you hard
Please don't be mad at yourself
For all your "unsightly lard"

You became ill and that's okay
None of this was your choice
It's not your fault you spiraled down
From listening to that voice

The hardest months of your life thus far
You sadly had to endure
Because you couldn't forgive yourself
Mental illness is a blur

Shame and stigma rotted your mind
Made you think this was your volition
Like someone gets cancer, you became sick
Becoming mentally ill wasn't a mission

Your life will slowly rebuild
The future will have ups and downs,
You should be incredibly proud of what you survived
Continue to fight those sounds

My pain is intense
My mood dips
I am fat
I feel every ounce of fat on my hips
I try
I desperately try to diminish my size
So I no longer cry
at the sight of my thighs
Body acceptance?
It all seems like lies
Drowning.

I try to restrict
Eat less and less
occasionally "binge"
what the hell, I'm a mess
Exercise more
Move to and fro
But sadly it's not working
My mood dips low
Yet my meds numb me out
Their happiness is fake
Why am I on them?
It's been several years
Don't know if I need them
They cause many tears

Deep in my heart,
I'm clearly aware that
the medication I'm on
is making me fat
Stop taking that.
I try to take less
Lower my dose with care
But withdrawal hits hard
I'm sad and aware

The lights in my head
quickly turn off
Nobody told me
this would happen when I stop
I can't win
But need a way out
Mental health care needs improving
until it does, I will shout

Saturday night
The moon is bright
Party happening
Everything's all right.

I meet a nice guy
But what jumps to my mind?

He only likes me because I'm made up
Oh.
Sigh.

He couldn't be interested,
Certainly not.
Once he sees what I really look like
He'll disappear without a thought.

He won't like the real me,
less make up
with glasses.
This certainly won't happen.

Because I am not good enough,
Someone better will come along.
I don't deserve this,
It's all horribly wrong.

Why get my hopes up?
When it's plain to see.
He would never ever
Like the real me.

Consistently fearful of not measuring up
Not meeting expectations.
My mind's in a rut.

I'll lower my expectations
Accept what comes my way.

He may talk to me now,
but probably not in another day.

I am enough
Hearing those words said to me
Brings tears to my eyes
My own brain never says that to me
It always spits out lies.

Do more, be more, achieve more.
But it's not a gentle nudge
You must succeed or else you'll be
Forever stuck in sludge

A sludge of thoughts of inadequacy
Mentally beat yourself up
You cannot tolerate any less
You'll face a half empty cup.

Exhausted.
Like a hamster on a wheel.
Mariana's trench deep is how I feel
"Let it go" says Elsa
If I could
I would
I've already tried
4856 times
To get these thoughts out of my mind
"Accept them"
"Try to be kind"
How can I when these thoughts put me in a bind
Paralyze me
Overcome my body like a tsunami
And the CD is stuck on replay
Go away
Go away
But still they stay.
And I still try to slay
The dragon of thoughts in my mind.

My biggest fear
to this day
is that others won't accept me
when I'm not completely okay

I fight the battles
in my mind
sometimes peace
is hard to find

"Everyone will run from your darkness"
"Nobody will understand"
"Stay. quiet. Your thoughts are quicksand."

But now I'm discovering
This may not be true
I took a large leap
And opened up to you

Wore my heart on my sleeve
chatted about my life
was honest and real
about my daily strife

And

you

listened.

Didn't judge what I said,
or try to offer extra advice
didn't get all uncomfortable
were incredibly nice

Asked amazing questions
That nobody else has
Took a real interest
Really tried to understand

Mind.
blown.

I walked away from our chat
with a smile on my face
and a hope in my heart
as it's a different case

Words cannot capture
how grateful I am
to have someone to talk to
I'm not shut like a clam

You give me joy and hope
which is sometimes hard to find
You also truly care
about the state of my mind

How fortunate I am
to know someone like you
that makes my days seem less blue
amidst all of this
all the world is going through
and having to be distant,
which is sad but true
I'm definitely continuing to fall for you

Does he care about me?

Clearly not.

I was extremely easy to drop.

Yet here I am
Dealing with my rollercoaster of a mind
Trying to focus

"Push through and study"
They all say

But the sadness persists day after day.
Defer my exams?
Maybe.
Okay.

Not all because of him, I assure you that's true
The low mood was there before,
Now I'm just more blue.

Trudging through life as I'm dying inside
All I want to do is hide

Why did he do this?
I don't really know.

---

I need to focus
On just being me
On doing the best I can
The light I will see.

Work hard.
More degrees, more success
No time for rest,
do your best.

Always anxious about school.

...

But don't you love to learn?
I guess that's true
but instead of feeling engaged
I'm feeling more blue
No longer is it about
broadening your mind
now it's about
the endless grade grind.

You're only worth something if your grades are great
Keep working hard, leisure can wait
Do your masters, be grateful for education
Wait.

Who's to say I want more education?
Who's to say that more wealth equals more happiness?

We've become a generation
bred for success
be grateful for your opportunities
when your parents had less.
Denying university?
How ungrateful can you be?
I've worked so hard for you
You're supposed to impress me.

We've forgotten.
Nobody wants to starve, or miss paying rent
But happiness is not cultivated
By more dollars spent
We spend our lives at work
Chasing more and more
Family and friends
are turned into a chore.

If this is the price of success, count me out.
I crave connection and belonging
I need others without a doubt.
Let's turn off the technology,
and reflect on our paths
Unless we start connecting
Discontentment will unleash its wrath

I want to drill holes in my brain.
I don't have purpose, I'm going insane

I sit here without any real task
Despite the fact I constantly ask

What do I do?  I don't know
I'm being paid to do nothing, it brings me sorrow

I can't just sit here twiddling my thumbs
Thinking in circles until my brain numbs

I do not belong here, I feel out of place
I may leave, these weeks erased.

I am not adequate
I'm never enough
For my own expectations
Which are incredibly tough

My imperfections and flaws
Are pointed out, for sure
Mental slave drivers don't pause
From their enduring hurt

Yet these expectations are invented by me
Nobody else says I'm not enough
From this mental state, I'd like to be free
I'm tired of this self-battering stuff

This guilt, this pain
Is embedded in me like a stain

I never feel like I've done enough
Accomplished enough
What is enough?

I cycle through my days
Through a never ending maze

Even if I reach a goal,
I feel the need to take on another role

Until I stretch myself so thin,
Any leisure time is considered a sin.

I can't be a robot,
I can't be Mother Mary

I can try to do my best,
but my lack of satisfaction is scary

Perfectionism's fine dancer
I am no more

That is not what I was put on this earth for

I am not here
to ace every test,
to always get 100,
to always be the best.

I am here to experience
Life's ups and downs
To fall flat on my face
To fall ******* the ground

To make mistakes
But still learn
To discover who I really am
For that I truly yearn

Life is not linear
It should not be overthought
Trying to perfect it
Your brain starts to rot

Depression sinks in
Lose yourself in a fog
Lose joy, lose yourself
in a suffocating smog.

Alas I surrender
I shall fight no more
A world with so much to find
So much more to explore.

I fear failure

A fear so strong it almost stops me in my tracks.

"Don't write that test, you surely won't pass"

Does that make sense? Well let's see.

My high school average was 97.3

I don't slack off, I surely work hard.

Then why is it that self doubt relentlessly bombards?

Negative thought patterns have played in my mind

So long my self confidence is difficult to find.

It has built up walls, making me believe I can't succeed.

But I am armed with my bulldozer, I want to be freed.

I was lost
Didn't know how to be found
And then you came
And turned my life a bit around

Messaging you
Brought joy to my day
Light to my eyes
Sadness melted away

Flirty remarks
Danced in my head
My hopes grew
My heart wasn't dead

A couple of dates
Went very well
I had a feeling
I was "under your spell"

Pause.

The messages stop coming
What did I do?
How could this go wrong
This is just so new?

My mind had planned
Well in advance
That you would probably
Give me a chance

Alas I was wrong
I pushed you away
Nobody to blame
but my own foul play

And now your silence
Stabs my gentle heart
This wonderful future
Brutally torn apart

I wish I understood
Your lack of replies
Forever left
With a multitude of whys

Twirling through the motions
Emotions by my side
Trying to maintain my hope and pride

I thought I'd felt devotion
Sipped Aphrodite's magic potion
But now all I feel is empty inside

A butterfly with broken wings
I had been fluttering on by
And you held me softly
When I thought that I would die

But not long after you turned away
When I thought you were here to stay

Predictions
Convictions

Led me to be a victim
Of my own heartbreak.

Goodbyes are tough

I still care for you,

Sad and heartbroken,

Changed for the good too

In a flash,
the thoughts come back -
"you're fat".

Why?

This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave.

Broken.

My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate.

Watch it.

Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout.

Silence.

These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue.

Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while.

Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap.

I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring.

Growth.

Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease.

Triumph.

These hands tell a story
A story of the unknown
Of a girl who tried to **** herself
Bury herself under a stone.

On the outside they appear thin,
Veiny and scarred.
A relic of the old days.
When times were very hard.

When restriction was the answer.
Ruled her thoughts and mind.
Shriveling away was the solution.
A disappearance of a kind.

Others just see thin hands
But for her memories burn from the past
The view of these emaciated hands
Remind her of how she almost couldn't last

Recovery on her fingertips
A war fought in her mind.
These hands are a painful reminder
Of the past she's trying to leave behind

From July 2017:

Explaining how I feel to others
Is a difficult feat

For they are unable to see the wars waging in my mind
How sanity is what I'm desperately trying to find

Worried about the future
Contemplating the past

Battling the rules I rigidly made

Rules that were supposed to keep me safe and sound
Turned me around

Trying to organize the chaos that encompasses my life
So many things I want to do, but never enough time

Picking on myself is automatic you see
I'm trying to stop perpetuating my misery

But depression is a sadness you cannot shake
A welt in your side you cannot heal
Sadness encompasses you and you'd give anything to not exist

Anxiety reminds you of everything you haven't done
How you aren't good enough
How everything is impossibly tough

Perfectionism urges you to succeed
But if you're inadequate, taunting proceeds

The eating disorder developed out of low self esteem
War on my body
War on the image in the mirror

A satisfactory punishment
For all I mess up in
A method of control
A desperate attempt to succeed in something
Anything
Numb the emotions
Quiet the pain
Dwindle and disappear
But you go insane

An unhealthy coping mechanism
No way to live a life
I'm starting to see through this never ending strife
I'm beginning to accept myself for who I am

To acknowledge how far I've come
How perhaps I'm not incredibly dumb
Recognize the lies that my mind whispers to me

Each day is a challenge
Each day is a test
Each day I'm trying to do my best

From my experiences I have so much to give
I am continuing to learn
I want to share my knowledge
As my passion for mental health
Continues to live

Home.
A comforting place to be.
For me?
A place where I can't control what I eat.
Where anxiety grows and encompasses all.
Where my mind tries to determine if I can eat anything at all.
Perfect.
This meal isn't perfect, that meal isn't perfect, can I eat any of it?
This is wrong, so horribly wrong.  Too many carbs, unsaturated fats.
No junk food, no pizza, no desserts, none of that.
But why?
Why does my mind insist all of it's bad.
As though avoiding cake should make me ecstatically glad.
As though proving my control makes me a better person?
Better person?
All it makes me is mad.
Yet these thoughts don't stop.
Even though they're not true.
If I can't succeed at this,
then at least I have food.
But wait!
An accomplishment, that it is not
Because when you get good at it your brain starts to rot
If that isn't the answer, then tell me what is?
See, that's the problem.
There isn't.
Life has no right or wrong, each decision is one decision.
Extremes are not good.
Restriction is not an accomplishment.
Control is not necessary.
Then why do I crave it?
I crave rules, regulations, please tell me what to do.
I want to be perfect.
And as long as I desire this,
the real me,
whoever that is
wherever she is,
to her prison she is doomed.