I miss you more than anything

I have a friend who is a hypocrite.
She says to not call yourself ugly
for it's not the truth
but she calls herself ugly all the time
when she thinks I'm not listening.

She tries to hit me when I say I do not look nice,
but if I ever tried that she would hurt me.

She is a hypocrite since she's doing things
that she thinks is good for me.
But she does the opposite to herself because she thinks
it's the truth.

I'm alone and it's killing me.
You cannot even speak, cry, sing, laugh, or do anything.
You cannot even breathe on your own.
I just want you to hold my hand again
But no,  you are not allowed to.

I was to shake you awake, but I'm afraid that I cannot.
The doctors told me that it's time to let you go.
I don't want to though.
Can you please just open your eyes and say hello
So then they don't have to separate us.

Why must you be asleep?
Why must you be in a
Coma.

In the moments before disaster
I fell in love.

He was beautiful,
Why was he so beautiful?

I wanted to hold him close
And make sure he was alright
But in the end I was the one that
Crumbled and he,
Well he was the victor of disaster.

When I was younger
I snuck kisses to a kid
during nap time.
The teacher had to
separate us since
I wouldn't stop
kissing them.

Now eight years later
and I hate recalling the
ever so burning
memories.

People don't believe the
story.
Seeing that I'm not
attractive
and that I'm so
awkward.
They say I make it up,
but no I'm not.

I was going to marry
the kid.
I really thought I loved them.
I loved how they smelt.
Or the way they laughed.
The way they said my name made me smile.
I was a little seven year old
who fell in love.

I wonder where they are now.
But I would never know
since they shut me out of their
life.
After I left the daycare I saw them
once.
They ignored me as our mothers
spoke.
My mom got onto me for not
talking to the kid.
I couldn't bear to tell her
that I had kissed that kid
that I really had liked them.

I couldn't tell her because that kid
was a girl and I'm a girl as well.
"She'll hate me" I told myself
So I've never told her about
the shared kisses and moments
between me and that other
little seven year old.

Once asked who you loved
you tensed up.
Do you remember the
countless times
We told each other
'I love you'

I do and I regret them.
I wish I had never said
those three words.

Maybe then
I wouldn't feel
so attached to
you.

That would be nice,
to not have the feeling
I have to be your friend
even though I hate you
so much.

Desire to fly alone and soar again
And continue to grow, becoming strong.
Enemies fear me greatly, for my gaze
Is causing the competition to work.
Receiving points, I crave so much to stay
Collide with the attempt of winning but not
I embrace defeat so gracefully
Support around overwhelms me greatly
I fear in what is really on their minds
Disappointed in myself for stopping us
Victory will hopefully wait until I fly
Because I want to fight on my own

It's complicated,
the reason I said
goodbye.

It wasn't you
or me
but the connection
in between.

It was that
connection that made
me want to move
to be closer to you,
but all at the same time
be farther away than ever
from someone I was
supposed to
love.

Dear whoever this concerns,

I have come up with a solution with my little problem.
My little problems that concerns sexuality.
I must know what gender I like at this very moment.
I little innocent 15 year old who struggles with this more than she struggles with breathing.
You asked me if I would date her and I said yes, but I'm not gay.
You asked me if I would date him and I said yes, but I'm not straight.
You told me I was confused if I didn't know who I liked.
What body parts I wanted to touch when I had ***.

I've said many times how I do not wish to have *** and you never
cared.
"You're too young to think like that" my mother would say but
am I?
All of the other kids are having *** and kissing and I don't want to.
I really just don't want to, but it's because I'm 15?
Because my hormones haven't kicked in?
I don't believe so, and it's not that you raised me to not want that.
I believe there is something that we don't know yet.

Maybe if we didn't give a **** about what we yearned for.
What we wanted when we fell asleep at night or woke up in the morning.
What we think when we look at someone attractive.
Or what we think when they talk or laugh.
Or what their body looked like in a certain outfit.
What we thought of their haircut.
The possibilities of thoughts towards the same and different gender
go on.

But what if we didn't care about that?
What if we solely focused on whether or not they made us happy.
It doesn't matter their personality, only if they made us happy.
Happiness is important like my father told me.
To not be happy is a sad thing and it breaks others hearts.

So I have decided that if I'm happy when I'm with someone then that means I'm happy.
I don't care their personality, appearance, their history, or anything like that.
I will focus on how they make me feel.
How they will make me feel will be happy.
Something I've never really been.

Everyone believes in a
different cause.
Your cause could be
women's rights
and mine may be
if ranch is a breakfast food.

So if someone says that they
do not support your cause
do not get angry
because you may not support
theirs.

I lost a friend.
        They started it
                and I finished.

Saying goodbye to
        everything I loved
                about them.
                        I turned away
                                and never came
                                        back.

I'm sorry,
        but how was this
                for the best?

Best for you,
        but never me
                because I'll miss you
                        more than you ever
                              missed me