Nightmares would be
better than this
silence you give
me.

How you only use me when
I can help you
with a problem.

My friends were right,
I shouldn't have given
you a second
chance.

But I couldn't help it,
you needed someone
and I always help
you.

It was an impulse
I suppose.
It was a ****** impulse.

And now I grow hatred
towards myself as I
keep giving you more
chances.

Why do I keep giving you
more chances.

I miss you.
I didn't know I could,
but I'm that I'm here alone,
I know I can.

I listen to sad love songs
because they don't remind me
of you.
You were too upbeat and complained
that romance and sadness
just weren't for you.

You were a story teller,
told me how a sad pathetic girl
could actually be loved,
but not by you.

I didn't think I could miss you
because you never missed me.
It's been two months
and I've just started to miss you
and maybe it's because you
started to miss me too.

"Get over it.  If you're not going to come out then don't complain."

I get that my "complaining" may seem
annoying to you,
but you've obviously
never experienced
gender dysphoria before.

I live in the realm of it
with every wrong pronoun
to filling out applications
and having to choose
the girl option.

You're blessed to have
the parents you have
who love and accept you
no matter what.
While my parents would
put me in therapy
if I even
dared
to come out.

Don't tell me to get over it.
Don't tell anyone to get over it.
Unless you're telling yourself
to ******* grow up
and get over yourself.

You say that you're
gender queer as well,
then treat people
with the respect
you want.

Let me cry into your shirt
because I'm not a girl,
but I'm forced to see one
in the mirror
everyday.

Let me call you in the middle of the night
because it's gotten bad
because I feel every
ounce of my self hatred
late a night
when no one is around.

Just be there
because I didn't tell you for no reason.

I trusted you to be
careful and kind
to me, to my secret,
but you had to be
bitter and tell me to
get over it.

Our red string has is stretching too far.

You look into the world
wanting to be out there.

I want to cut it
let you go
I want you to be happy
but that won’t be with me

I snip the string
only for you to tie it back together
saying partners are commitment
while titles are not

As you smile at me,
I remember a love
I had forgot.

Music is coursing
through my
blood vessels
as we danced
to some
slow song.

Your head was
against my chest
and my head
was leaning
on yours
and I loved
this feeling
of actual
closeness.

As a child I
dreamed for
this moment
when I felt actual
happiness.
I was told to
put whatever makes
me happy in my world,
so I put you
in my world.

I love you,
I'll never stop
even when we're 80
my emotions will remain
strong and steady,
because I know that
I love you more than
anyone should
love another
human being.

I left you.

Of course you don't
realize that.

We were two puzzle pieces,
but we wouldn't fit;
you can't shove two things
together and hope for the
best.

We fought all the time
and I never cried,
you were the one that always
did that.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but opposites don't always
attract.

In science they may,
but with people
they don't.

We were opposites,
I was calm
and you were the storm.

I was brave
and you were a coward
that hid behind closed doors.

Two people can't be together
if they can't stand each other.

I couldn't stand you.

The fond way you stared
at me made me sick.

And the way you screamed
made me *****.

I hated you and you loved me.

There was a point in time
where we were both
madly in love,
but then I stopped.

When and Where?
I don't know.

I am manipulative
and you are innocent.

These kinds of things never work.

I watched you as
you tore apart
my countless journals of poems
You continuously told me that
writing poetry was a waste
of what I could be
doing.

You read each poem
before you tore them
and I wish I had seen
compassion grow in your eyes
but only hatred did.

Countless poems about you
about her
about him
about myself
about father
about the world
and all I heard was
"These are all pitiful."

It was well noted that I wouldn't
show you another of my poems
just incase you hated those too
and then I would be here
watching as the compassion drains from
your warm brown eyes and hatred
grows in them

We sat in a field dressed in formal attire.

This is what we get for leaving my mother's wedding.

You kept asking if we would go back,
and I simply don't have an answer.

I've spent my entire life running from things like this,
and never returning since I can't handle it.

But then I met you and I could come back to you.
I could tell you that I hated you and I loved you at the same time.

Before I knew it we were kissing in this field,
and I had no control over the situation.

Articles of clothing were being pealed off our skin and I stopped you.
I couldn't do this;
not like this
not now.

You apologized and gave me back my black dress,
and I gave you back your white button up.

"I currently love you."

The statement made you smiled and you nodded.

"I currently love you too."

And with that we got up and went back to the wedding,
even though we smelt of hormones and love.

He left
I cried

He called me drunk
so I let him
talk.

He rambled on about how
he still
loved me.

I told him
he was drunk and
to leave me alone.

No more contact for
months until
he appeared at my
door
with all my things
and a bitter goodbye.

We have love stories concerning us.
No one seems to know how we
broke up.
You say one thing and I say another.
I guess we disagree on many things
like how our first hug went
or the first words I said to you.
How we actually got together
the first time.

The first time,
it sounds so childish.
Three years ago you asking me
out and I accepting in pity
since the one you thought you actually
liked didn't like you back.

We've had our rough patches
and you want to be friends
but I don't know if I can do that.

You were the first person to like me
back.
To actually understand how I felt
and what I thought
and you still do.
You still hug me and I smile every time.

So I don't know what I'm doing anymore
I guess writing poems about you
when I should be trying
to just be friends
like you want.

But when I've tried so hard to not be
friends
I can't push that all away and give up
all my hard work
even if it hurts us.
I want us to work, but
you want you and someone else
to work.

Tell me how I'm lovely
how I'm your one and only.

Lie to me
and pretend we'll always be.

Hold my hand
and watch us dissolve like sand.

Love me fully
or become my bully.

Either is fine as long as you and I are together
and sure we may fade like leather
but I will love you as long as I can before any of that happens.

I hate you.
You smell of strong
cologne that she
buys you.

I see your fingers
intertwine with hers
as I
walk by you two.

No matter what happens
I'll regret falling for
you.
But yet you'll never
regret falling
for me
when we were merely
nothing.

She asked me why I stared at her
whenever we were seated
in the same room.
Why all my attention was focused
on her, even when hers wasn't
anywhere on me.

The distressed sound of her voice
and the lost look in her eye
are what led me to answer her question.

I stare at her because she is beautiful.
Because I'm quite aware that if I don't,
she might do something spectacular
and I would've never known.

My attention is constantly focused on her
because she is a light and I am a moth,
I must seek what draws me in:
she drew me in.

Her smile and her laugh made me swoon,
made me feel light headed,
while mine did nothing to affect her at all.

I answered her question with three simple words,
I don't know
because it's better if she doesn't know
that I find her unbelievably beautiful.
that she is a light in my dim world.

It's better if she doesn't know that I love her,
that every single day is filled with me
counting down the minutes until I can see her again.

It's just better this way,
there's no heartbreak or rejection.
Call me selfish,
but I think that I'm allowed to look out
for myself.

My pulse quickens whenever you're around
Or whenever anyone mentions you

Your eyes are the color of the sea,
Constantly drowning me.

Your laugh is a lullaby
Always in the back of my mind
On the verge of sleep

I love you, whether you believe it or not.
You are the one I want,
And this isn't a Grease reference.

Without you, I'd be lost in my thoughts
Screaming out for help in a void.

Without you, my life is black and white
And hints of grays.

Thank you for coming into my life.
Thank you for just being mine.

Holding my breath as a child
Was so difficult.
I use to cheat
And pretend that I
Wasn’t breathing when I was.
Growing up is like that.
Seeing who can survive the longest
Without a breath, but we’re all cheating.
And in the end
No one going to win.

I befriended you and thought that maybe
it would be a cute little
friendship.

I didn't know that I would like you,
I can't foresee things like that.
But you apparently think I can.

I told you my feelings
and you told me that
we couldn't be friends
since it made you
uncomfortable.

I guess me being me made you
uncomfortable.
I did the harmless flirting that I do to
all of my friends.
I told you I liked you because
I couldn't keep my emotions in.
And then I let you walk all over me
because **** it had to have been my fault
right?

I was wrong to think it was right of you
to hurt me like you did.
I'm not bad guy here seeing that I can't help
who I care for.
I tried to make it up to you by apologizing.
But honestly I didn't want to,
I wanted to stand up for myself
but fear consumed me.

So I'm once again I'm that
defenseless little girl
that everyone knows
and loves.

He called me beautiful
when I wore no
makeup and wore
raggedy clothes.

He told me to never
change even though
he made me change,
just not for him.

He admired me
after I had an
anxiety attack
in the
stadium bathrooms
and stuttered while
my cheeks were
tear stained.

He told me he
would fall
in love with me
if I gave him
the chance.

I ran away
because he wanted
to be my source of
happiness
since I was his.

I ran away
because he wasn't
as accepting about
my internal struggles
like I thought
he would be.

I ran away because
dating him or anyone
has never been something
I could do.
My abilities to love are
small and delicate.
If I told him that
I loved him
he would run away,
so I ran first.

I ran and never looked back.

There was a time when you were caught up
on me instead of her.
That point of time made me feel
victorious.
It sounds awful hearing the words
come out of my mouth,
but I loved knowing I had you
wrapped around my finger.

Time passed and I actually grew
to like you.
You still liked me,
but I was dating
someone else.
I didn't know how to break up
with this person, so I didn't.
I declined dating you even though
I really badly wanted it.
So you moved on and that hurt me,
because I thought that maybe
you would fight for me.

Time kept going by and you were
dating someone new.
You really liked her and
she lived in a different state.
I hated this, the fact that you
didn't like me anymore.
I ignored you and I wanted you to realize;
you liked me, not her.

Finally she broke up with you
a month ago and you
were so ****
pathetic.
You claimed she was
the only one
for you.
I was confused,
why were you saying that
you had to still like me
right?

I was pathetic as well,
I constantly hoped maybe you
would ask me out.
That you would learn
to love me.
Maybe you would tell me that
you had fought and that I,
that I was too blind
to see.

You may have noticed
I must be
the center of attention.
I already know this,
and I know how bad it is.
But I honestly have forgotten
that maybe I should've cared
what everyone else
though instead of what
I thought.

Maybe then I would've been dating you,
that maybe I wouldn't be so stupid.
Maybe I would be someone I wanted to be,
but I am still that little girl who
will always want you there for me
even if I hate you.
You are almost of my person.
You are almost my crush.
You are almost my best friend.
You are almost there.

You left me after you promised
you wouldn't.

You called me a child,
told me to grow up,
told me that I was never good
enough.

I don't know why I held you in my heart
or why I thought that you could love me,
but I did.

I was foolish I admit,
but there had to have been a time
when I looked like the sun
in your eyes.

There must of been a time
where my texts
made you grin
and maybe you loved me.

The past is the past,
I know those words from a
Disney character,
but that's all you have to say.

I wouldn't be so angry
if you had just told me
that I wasn't for you anymore,
that we just weren't right.

You had to go
kiss her,
love her,
forget me.

You forgot me so much
that my name was
foreign on your lips.

She laughed out of victory,
while I stared at you
looking for something left
in the boy I once knew.

I joke
at a
constant.

Whether it be about
myself or nothing at all,
I still joke.

Sometimes it hurts
laughing at my self hatred
since everyone thinks I'm kidding,
hell I even think it sometimes.

But it hurts knowing that
people you care about
don't notice your
smile crumbling and
your life tumbling
until you scream it out to them
"I'm not okay."

Pay attention to me.
I'm burning out
briskly.
Run your fingers through my hair
and pretend for once
that you have no care.
Tell me lies
and deceive me before
either of us tries.
Love is a series of games
that no one likes so
we watch it as it goes up into flames.

In pain there is love.
You must feel love
before you can experience
pain.

When you experience love
there will always be pain.

So why keep falling in love
or just loving someone
when we know there
will be pain?

It's because we care,
that's why we
continue to love
others.

Once Upon A Time
There was a princess who was deemed
most beautiful of them all.

She didn’t want the title,
and the title didn’t want her.
For she never felt beautiful.

Her hair hit her waist,
a burden.

Her eyelashes were too long,
a flashy comment.

Her figure was an hourglass,
a shame.

Her dresses were too tight,
a misleading statement.

The title told her to talk to the witch,
and she would know what to do.

So the princess ran to a small cottage,
to find a striking young man looking at her.

He was what the princess wanted to be.
For he was a boy, and she was stuck as a girl’s body.

“Please help me not be the most beautiful,”
the princess pleaded, offering everything she owned.

The witch looked down at her, but smiled softly.
“Are you wishing to be a prince?”

The teenage girl nodded, pleading to be so through a candle.
The hatred for her body was too much to handle.

So with a snap,
on the floor there was a handsome young chap.

He looked at himself in the mirror,
and began to cheer.

His hair was short,
a blessing.

His eyelashes were stubby,
a subtle touch.

His figure shaped as a box,
a boost in self-esteem.

His clothes fit just right,
a statement right for him.

“Prince, Jasper, must go on ahead,”
with a smile the witch said
turning into a beautiful woman.

The prince smiled brightly without vain,
not having to hear the old name.

“Thank you, for your acceptance.  This was vital,”
the young prince said before yearning a new title.

The kindest prince to ever live.

I hold on to you
do you hold on to me?

I clutch your shirt tightly
are you only clutching mine slightly?

I fall in love with you every day
do you feel the same?

Do you miss me like I miss you?
Would you kiss me, like I’d kiss you?

Should I take my heart back?
Or should I stay on track
fighting for us to be connected
once again?

We're like clouds
Always close but
normally too far away.

We're like animals
in different categories.
You're a feline while
I'm a fish.

You say it's written all over me.
From the way I speak
to the way I dress.
I'm innocent and you find it
pathetic like you find a fish.

Bitterness consumes me
like how you used to hug,
arms around the throat
about to choke

You do not understand
that she will leave
while I had stayed
but now once she
leaves
you will be alone.

Because you think that
you're in love;
you believe she's the
one
but she'll tear your insides out
like the next will in due
time.

So you're alone
and you're cold,
no where to run
and no where to go.

Who are you going to call to
come get you?

There was a point in time where you would've told me I would be in love.
I would ask questions like; why, how, why, with who?
The basic questions, and you would reply with "a celebrity."
I would find it silly and say that you were lying.
Now I see that there are certain celebrities that set you up for failure.
You fall in love with them and just become enchanted by them, but in the end they'll never love you.
And I believe that's what still gets me, that the person I love will never love me back.

Please ignore me
I'm nothing but
a small person
with a fragile
ego.

Please notice him
he deserves some
attention.
He is a small person
with a big
heart
that could crush
Manhattan.

Together we were
complete opposites,
with an orchestra
playing love songs
that had an edgy
feel to them,
we conquered
the world.

Well that was until
I ran away
in fear of
being hurt
again
by someone
I love.

Anger seeps through my veins
like blood seeps through a rag.

Hatred is in the front of my mind
like front row tickets to a concert.

Betrayal is evident
like the way Van Gogh used paints
to make certain features evident.

I loved you,
or I tried anyways.
Everything I had was put
into you.
But I hit a breaking point,
you can't control me.
I can control me.
You are stone,
and I am marble.
You are flimsy,
while I am sturdy.

I'm sorry that I hurt you,
but I don't love you
anymore.
I don't want you to think
I love you when
I no longer do.

Do you love me like I love you?
You let your mind wander every night as you stare up at the stars,
Thinking of me.
School is the place where your heart yearns the most, for I cannot be there.
You sit during math picturing me sitting next to you, laughing at your jokes.
Opening your eyes,
Math class is still just you sitting next to some boy who isn’t me.

Do you adore me like I adore you?
Sitting at home, just looking at photos of me while you smile
Thoughts about me race around your head,
And you want to tell me, but keep them in.
Reasoning is I could never feel the same,
But I most likely do.
Whenever I sing you to sleep over the phone,
Sleeping is easier, but will refuse to admit it.
It’s your favorite sound,
My voice
The way it does anything for you.

Do you see me like I see you?
Every moment you see me is like the first,
How I enchanted you while playing the saxophone
And singing on Instagram.
You feel the skip of your heart every time we speak,
But never tell me.
Late at night your mind wanders to me whenever you feel desperate,
You’ll never tell me though.
Sometimes my freckles appear to be dirt,
But you say I’ll just be a muddy boy.
You love the random clusters, although I’ve never heard that.
One of the biggest things you will never tell me is
I’m the boy of your dreams,
The one you want to grow old with.

How much do you love me?
How much do I need to hold on or let go?
How much are you giving me?
How will you tell me all these things?
How can I make you love me?

I love you with all my heart, but how much do you love me?

I felt the wind surge through me,
pushing me down slightly.
I collided into you and my world became stable,
but not for long.

Soon enough there were fights every other day,
my world began to fade into gray.

It had been like this twice before,
although neither of them had been you,
I felt as if someone was attempting to even the score.

I thought you'd be different,
so I held on with all my **** might
only to come up empty handed
in the middle of the night.

My heart was shattered
along with my pride,
with my entire body scattered,
I cried.

I cried out some nonsense,
but then I cried out to you
only to have no correspondence.

I took photographs of you and me
as we embarked upon a journey.

Music blasted through the speakers
and the windows broke from me throwing out my sneakers.

We weren't happy anymore and you knew it.
I had to take the stand and break it off before we couldn't.

Now you hate me more than anyone you know,
but get over yourself and please just grow.

And I'm sorry that I can't love you,
but I've never been able to love anyone besides a couple few.

You cause hurt like my retainer.
My mouth has no taste
since we never laid a hand
upon the other.

But you caused sleepless nights,
anxiety attacks worse than the others.
I listen to sad songs
since you hated all of those.

I need to face you in person,
but to do that I have to
look into your dark eyes
and make you cry.

And I speak better in written words
because I can go and
fix my mistakes.
I don't have to worry about the constant stuttering
I suffer from.
I am free in emotion and
I can say what I need to
without speaking it to their face.
Written words are
my comfort blanket
seeing if I didn't have them
I would go insane.
I speak better in written words, because written words
are the core
of me.

music drowns out
sound
like words drown out
thoughts
or how people drown
you.

Your girlfriend accepts me now.
We're apparently friends,
well we aren't
but she and I are.

You two casually
give each other
kisses in the
morning.
But once it came to
the afternoon you saw me
and gave her a hug before
leaving.

She yelled at you
to come back
and give her a proper
goodbye
but you wouldn't.

And I wonder why.

Please write me a letter,
just respond to me.
Please text me back,
I hate being ignored.
Please walk me to class,
it shows you actually care.
Please hold my hand,
but then again I don't want that.

I want attention,
and you used to give so much.
There's nothing now,
no good morning,
a rare good night.
I tell you I love you
while you don't reply.

I'm mentally exhausted
of all these tricky games.
What ever happened to
you and me against the world?
Or did that burn up in flames?

"I'm going to fix you."

How can you fix something
that isn't broken?
How can you expect me
to not feel offended
and scared over
a statement
like that?

"It was late, I didn't know what I was doing."

You expect me to believe that with
your perfect sentences
and awful grammar that
you always seem to have.
I may be young,
but I am not
dumb.

"I was going to **** myself if it wasn't for you."

Manipulation is so wrong,
and I'm sick to my stomach
now.
How could be like this to
a human being?
I'm sorry that I am no longer
your friend,
that I'm scared to be near you
because of the things
you said.*

I've been in situations like this
before
way too many times
and I'm done.
I'm not dealing with
any of this
anymore.
I don't deserve it,
no one deserves this.

So as I'm crying for
the first time in months,
I hope you've truly
understood that
words are stronger
than you thought they
were.

We were a matching pair,
but as soon as you left
the game appeared to be fair.

Never mind the noises in my head,
I  just want to know that you're okay
all alone in your bed.

No more arms to wrap me,
but you have someone for sleep
while I'm just left be.

It's not that it's bad to be gone,
but I miss you too much
for you to be done.

3 years.
That's how long it's been.
Sure, we're still friends
but you started dating her
and didn't tell me.

You don't deserve
anyone's attention,
especially mine.
They don't know
the things you've
questioned
or all the lies
you've told.

You're a
liar, thief, wrong,
and a former lover
to me.

That's why I hate you,
and most former lovers.

When you laugh
at me.
It's like you're
telling me
that I'm a
walking joke.

But somehow
I'm okay
with that

My love for people
is small.

I've been
kicked around,
tossed to the
ground,
and belittled
by my peers.

So becoming friends
with someone is
hard.

I push them away
and hope they'll
go away.
I hope that maybe
I can get them
to hate me
even though
I don't actually
want that.

So when I fell in love
with you
I didn't push you
away.
I held you close
as you tried to
escape.
How the tables
have turned
for me.

Sometimes I forget
what my third period is.

Sometimes I forget
when my best friend's
birthday is.

Sometimes I remember
embarrassing moment
when I was younger.

Sometimes I remember
the pain I was in
while dating you.