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Jun 2016 · 371
Idea
s Jun 2016
Overcast
Blended sea with the sky
She wondered why her tears reminded her of the ocean.
How they would flow in waves
High tide is at night
That's when the demons come out to surf
Through her head
Through the waves
Water
Salt
Empty
Stepping into the water she blended in.
Her mind couldn't tell the difference
She was the same
That's all she ever was
Gray
Mist
Clouds
The black storm clouds drift in through her ears and settle in her mind
Rain falls down her cheeks
She is sick of trying
Trying to be blue in a world that is so gray.
Idk it was a thought.
Haha really rough, hopefully I will edit it to something better.
Jun 2016 · 497
black out poetry
s Jun 2016
I wanted to numb myself.
Read the panic in my eyes
You should be pleased.
"Please speak to me"
The walls tumbling down.
I nodded goodbye.
I didn't matter.
I wasn't going to hang around.
I headed for the door.
"Wait"
This was my first attempt at black out poetry and I really liked it so I typed it up.
Jun 2016 · 617
you
s Jun 2016
you
YOU destroyed me
you shoved a knife in my back and didn't care when I screamed
I put needles of color in my arms
I chopped my hair
Dyed it black
Because you made me feel like ****
You made me feel like death
I need someone to pull out this knife
I have to sleep on my side now
The sharp edge scrapes my spine
It's infecting my head
You left
But your scar tissue will live on
I am glad you're gone.
I don't care anymore
Jun 2016 · 619
circle
s Jun 2016
Sometimes I just sit up in my bed
Because the pain hits me like a bullet
I can't be stuck in those sheets
In my head anymore
I'm shattered
it's 4:00am and I can't go back to sleep
I can't relax
Because everything is wrong
I am a circle and people are trying to shove me through a square hole.
I don't fit
I am living the wrong life
I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
I'm sorry
I'm not a square.

I can't sit up.
I need sleep
Jun 2016 · 522
killed her
s Jun 2016
the last rose
the shattered rose
ripped apart
petals scattered
he loves me
he loves me not
she has been trying
attempting
to put this back together
to reattach the petals
thread staples glue
the flower is a mess
because once a flower dies
it won't grow anymore
but this doesn't stop her from trying
she waters it with salt water
streaming from her eyes
its an impossible task
but she wont accept reality
he killed the relationship
he killed her
this is kinda rough but idk
Jun 2016 · 320
Untitled
s Jun 2016
My Dad asked me a question today
"What do you think your calling in life is?"
"Death" was my first thought
I couldn't think of an appropriate answer
This has left me confused
Because death is not a calling
Death is a result that happens after you fulfill your calling
I don't understand my head
My head wants to die.
I don't think it's okay
But I don't have much of a choice
I need to find a new calling
Callings ****.
Idk what to do
Jun 2016 · 336
Love
s Jun 2016
She was the shallow waters close to shore
He was the deep ocean
They could never quite reach eachother.
Jun 2016 · 421
limits
s Jun 2016
I love the darkness
It feels comfortable
happy is fake
my smile is fading
mom, I am trying
I truly am.
but nothing is helping and I don't want to talk to you
I can't talk to you
cause if I told you how bad it is you wouldn't let me live
I would live with so many limitations
which is not living
lying is freedom
I ******* hate myself
I have ******* up
I wish I didn't ***** up my life
mom I don't like where I'm going to end up
so I just want to die
I'm sorry
but I cant live anywhere anymore
**** **** ****.
sorry I'm swearing tonight
Jun 2016 · 968
cant know
s Jun 2016
I'm sitting in my car
shaking
I hate myself
I hate myself
staring at the dark water
its hard to stay in the car
the water has a florescent vacant sign blinking
come stay here
the water is dark and reflective
haunting
It's getting bad again
I want to strap 30 lbs to my chest and jump
but we haven't  had a family picture
I haven't said goodbye
I'm obese
I cannot be remembered as fat
I am going to slice myself up
like a butcher chopping up meat
I can feel it
but I don't want my parents to know
They can't know
Cause if they knew I would be isolated
I would be controlled
and hell I don't want to be ******* controlled
I don't want to be this big
I don't want to ruin my life
so I will just stare at water
praying that one day I will run out of excuses
I will be brave enough to jump
with a weight that won't let me come up
hair floating
body limp
It's sad, but beautiful
I think I've officially lost it
the worst part is that I honestly don't care.
I want to ******* die
Jun 2016 · 284
Ocean
s Jun 2016
Gray sky
Gray ocean
Gray sand
There is something peaceful about gray
When everything is the same
The crashing waves over your head
Pulling you under.
Getting lost in nothing
Fading into the shadows
Leaving pieces of gray behind
Honestly I dream of oblivion
But dreams are never real.
Oblivion
Jun 2016 · 503
Pls
s Jun 2016
Pls
Actually I crave criticism.
I thrive off of it.
Please tell me I am wrong or I am terrible.
Please tell me to **** myself.
Please tell me that I am a fat ***.
Please tell me that I ruin things.
Because then maybe
Just maybe
I wouldn't feel as insane.
I know this doesn't make sense.
May 2016 · 491
dear friend
s May 2016
dear friend
I dont know who you are
I dont know why I am sending this to you
but I need someone to know
I need someone to understand
that I'm broken glass
I just need to get rid of myself
throw myself away
you may never know who I am
and thats okay
I want to die
It has nothing to do with you
I just miss being a child
I miss finding joy in small things
I miss my puppy
I miss being okay
I think if I die I wont miss all these things so much
Im sorry im so self absorbed
I say "I" too much
"be a normal 18 year old, go have fun"
people keep leaving
I keep trying to be friends with people
Why do people hate me
normal is nonexistent
I hate myself.
I am getting bad again
the kind of bad where I dont eat for three days
the kind of bad where I stay up in the night to slice my paper skin
but also the kind of bad where I wake up and act like I am just peachy
I am not peachy
I am sliced in half
I am not whole anymore
I'm a fraction
I am worthless
I can't do this anymore
thanks friend for listening
you will probably throw this away
I wish you could throw me away too
sincerely,
me
done alone and idk what to do
May 2016 · 312
courage
s May 2016
I will never have the courage to die
I know its probably wrong to say it that way
but its true.
If I was brave
If I wasn't afraid
If I didn't care if I broke my parents hearts
I would not be here
and that is a sad fact
but its true.
done done done I ****
May 2016 · 899
ew
s May 2016
ew
my head scares me
yelling at myself in the car
I am so done
hitting the steering wheel over and over
I am losing it
salt water dripping down cheeks
food
food
food
makes
me hate
myself
it all comes
back to how
I am the problem
why feed the problem
starve the problem
its your choice
fat or thin?
I have so much to be grateful for
I dont know why I feel like this
I am fat
I'm just done
ugh
Apr 2016 · 433
rant
s Apr 2016
It's been a year since I was really bad
I was on the edge of falling
I cleaned up my act
I started taking meds
I ate more
I cried less
I slept
I became numb to everything
It felt like I was living in a dream
My brain was empty
I hated it
I got fat
I lost control
I started making excuses
So then I stopped taking the meds
It does crazy stuff to your head when you stop cold turkey
Suicide was all that was on my mind
But I decided that I would rather be honest with myself
and feel what I'm feeling
Instead of masking my mind everyday
My aunt avoided her mind
Stacked her body full of pills
She stopped eating
Now she weighs 85 lbs and her kids have to watch her
I don't want to be like that
I would rather be dead
This isn't really a poem
More of a rant
I just want to die
And I decided that
It's actually okay to feel like that.
I'm getting bad again.
Idk
Apr 2016 · 3.9k
growing up
s Apr 2016
6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

people don't understand the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.
sloppy
Apr 2016 · 2.0k
blackandwhite
s Apr 2016
I think the problem is that I can't stop seeing the world in black and white
Mar 2016 · 321
Ha
s Mar 2016
Ha
I am trying to love myself but I hate trying to love myself cause I hate myself.
Ahhh
Mar 2016 · 397
Repeat
s Mar 2016
Playing a song on repeat
The same thing
Over and over
You play on repeat
Nasty words
Hard punches
Over and over
I'm done I can't do this anymore
You're stuck on repeat
Done ha ***** it
#ha
Mar 2016 · 403
IDKKK
s Mar 2016
I hate being unsure
I hate not knowing what I should be doing
I hate living life just slipping by
I don't know why I need medicine
I think that life hurts and we numb it
life is not supposed to be easy
life is not supposed to be a merry go round
life is supposed to be messy and tricky and hard
Driving until I escape everything is honestly what I feel like doing
I feel like hiding until someone cares enough to find me
I also feel like I am supposed to be dancing
I am supposed to be trying harder
I don't know what I need to do
But I am going to keep going
Maybe I ******* up this year
Maybe life is not supposed to be like this
I am rethinking life in general
I need to stop playing it safe.
I hate myself a little bit
Feb 2016 · 644
try
s Feb 2016
try
Sitting at the edge of a cliff
feet dangling in the empty air
seconds away from falling
from jumping
from slipping
aren't we all just seconds away from disappearing
all it takes is one second
one gunshot
one car
one slip
and we could be gone
life is so delicate
all the people fighting screaming yelling
over nothing
because one day none of this will matter
the only thing that matters is that we lived and loved
and right now I feel like I should jump
but I won't
I can't
because
I have a mother and a father who love me very much and I simply can't break their hearts
so the days when I feel like giving up
when I feel like breaking
when I feel like puking and cutting and drowning
I need to remember that one day it will all be worth it
there is going to be a tomorrow
I sometimes forget that there is a tomorrow
find the last sliver of happiness in your soul
walk away from the edge
sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing
I am learning that life is not about dying
we aren't born to die, we are born to try.
don't jump.
My mindset is slowly shifting. Two people from my town committed suicide this week and I have been trying to rethink things. It is so hard. But change is inevitable sometimes.
Feb 2016 · 461
car wash
s Feb 2016
I am going insane
I am drowning in myself
I am drowning in this car
Watching the water run down the windows
Tears run down my cheeks
I fit right in
Pretty rainbow wax mixing into a blob
It's like my head
It started out pretty but now it's mixed
Two deaths one week
They took their lives
Two deaths one week
Why do I want to be a third
I don't really
My head is just mixed
I need to get out of this car wash
I need to get out of my brain.
Ah I thought I was getting better.
Feb 2016 · 1.1k
Isn't it funny?
s Feb 2016
Isn't it funny how you can fall in and out of love with someone so fast?
Isn't it funny how one smile can make your day
Isn't it funny how fast you can change your mind
One minute your okay
the next you aren't the same person
like there is a switch in your head
I can see it flip
and that is when you scare me
I love you so much
I don't think I can do it anymore
I don't have a choice
I am trying to fall out of love with you
except have you ever tried falling out of a trench?
cause you can't.
I will just sit here and take it
cause what choice do I have..
Isn't it funny how you can hurt me so much
but I can still love you.
About a friend
Feb 2016 · 425
Note to self
s Feb 2016
Hey there
guess what
you are going to make it
keep moving forward
keep pushing through
if you were getting chased by a bear you wouldn't stop
even if you were tired
you would keep going
so even though I know its hard
even though it *****
even though it feels like everything is wrong
I know that it is going to  be okay eventually
it is okay to be sad
it is okay to feel lonely
it is okay to cry
but don't unpack and live there
there are so many lovely things in this world
I would hate for you to miss all of it
so take a second
look outside
take a few deep breaths
and just be grateful that we have what we have
even though life may **** sometimes
it is all going to be alright
keep fighting.
I have a hard time being positive sometimes and I am writing this to remind myself.
Feb 2016 · 460
a boy
s Feb 2016
I have never let myself get close to someone
I always run before I can get attached
Because leaving hurts
and getting left hurts
so I avoid it
but I met this boy
he makes me kind of crazy
he has curly brown hair and a cute smile
last night he came over and we talked for two hours
two o' clock am
we were just talking
I dont know why I love talking to people at night..
but I honestly do
He says he may be in love with another girl
and I said okay.
because I am always left to pick up the pieces
he will come back eventually
it just hurts
because I am falling for a boy
who is not falling for me.
I have never fallen in love
Jan 2016 · 419
memory ghosts
s Jan 2016
old town
same house
same road.
memory ghosts shimmer in the breeze
first kiss
feeding the ducks
scraping my knee
best friends house
I can feel the ghosts try to drag me back to those times
I miss it
when life was simple
when the only thing I had to worry about was how to add
when I could play outside for hours climbing trees and riding bikes
I used to think being old was fun.
Its most definitely not
I would give almost anything to go back for a day
to be worry free and just play
but that is actually impossible
so instead I will sit here typing papers and taking tests
because one day I will be a mother
and I want my kids to have fun
I want them to have memory ghosts haunt them
begging to come back
I know that is kind of backwards
but living in memories is how I make it through real life.
IDK
Dec 2015 · 405
Torn
s Dec 2015
I love the things that I know are wrong.
I love tearing myself apart
A peice of pretty scrapbook paper being torn into shreds.
I stopped puking cutting bruising
I started searching for ways to destroy myself from the inside out
Socially acceptable ways
By the time people notice
It will be too late
I'm stuck.
Dec 2015 · 369
January
s Dec 2015
Last January I wanted to die.
This January I want to die
Nothing has changed
But at the same time everything has.
Hate me
Dec 2015 · 298
Bad things
s Dec 2015
All the bad things in my life come back to the fact that
I hate myself.
Hate me hate me
Dec 2015 · 324
Untitled
s Dec 2015
Family Christmas party
Food laugh love
I feel this until I don't
I'm hiding in the bathroom
Head is pounding
Eyes lost
I just need to get out of here
But I can't
Why come to a party when you just say hi and leave?
It's the medicine talking
I don't even know
I just feel like death would be best
But I know it won't be
And that's what hurts the most.
I'm stuck between living and dying and it makes the simplest things seem so complex.
Lost
Dec 2015 · 267
new year same goal
s Dec 2015
This is the time of year when I decide to get my fat self into shape.
I am so sick of repeating this pattern over and over.
I just crave consistency
I hate myself
Dec 2015 · 301
friend
s Dec 2015
I am a nervous person
I am scared of failure
Yet I tell myself that I fail every day
I am scared of success also
cause with success comes pressure
I hate being under pressure.
I want someone who can look at me and tell me to breathe
I want someone to hold me and tell me that it is going to be okay
I want someone who gets me
I just need a friend
a friend without an opinion
a friend who will just love me
It would be nice if this friend was a boy
It would be nice if we could jam out to music
It would be nice if he would go on adventures
I guess that I want a happily ever after
except happily ever after's don't happen to suicidal depressed girls.
I am just lonely and maybe its better that way
Dec 2015 · 565
society won
s Dec 2015
We are the field of flowers. Society, the weeds.
They have an unhealthy obsession with the flowers.
Prickly vines, ripping open the silk petals.
The teardrops dripping to the filthy dirt, slowly sinking further.
Flowers have this dry chalky taste from being smothered by the ground.
The bitter sweet sound from being simply buried.
Weeds want to smell the absence of breath in the stems.
The Plastics ruling their high school kingdom.
Decorated vines. Vultures, waiting for an innocent death.
Kicking us when we are already down.
So done
More and more billboards killing little girls.
“Sometimes you are putting more into it than you could ever get back out.”
The silent thunder of hatred.
The fake love shown by the weeds.
The plastics shrinking everyone to the size of flowers,
So they can tear them from their roots and put them in their hair.
Quiet Girl hiding away, terrified of peoples opinions.
Eventually Quiet Girl will be worn as an accessory in the Plastics hair.
The dark lightning of reality.
“You are like the missing word in sentence, pointless.”
Hakuna Matata,
Doesn’t exist.
The flowers scream. The weeds are too strong.
Little girls ***** fingernails scrambling to dig up their busted petals.
I found this poem I wrote last year. Its kind of a mess. But I like it.
Nov 2015 · 994
People talking.
s Nov 2015
Chill out
Take your meds
Don't worry
Just be normal
Stop stressing out
Talk to someone
You're not okay
You need help
Stop crying
Wake up you're an adult now
Why don't you want help
I want to help you.
Dear people who keep telling me this I honestly am so tired right now. I am trying to please too many people.
But I guess that's all I live for anymore
I live for other people.
So nevermind keep talking
Keep going
Cause I need it.
I'm so tired of this
Nov 2015 · 522
Meds
s Nov 2015
I'm trying
I have called for help
I have kept going
Done everything they said to do
And none of its working
Its like I have a knife in my neck and people keep checking my legs to find the problem.
I don't know if that makes sense
I don't think I make sense.
Going to start taking meds again
It makes me more suicidal
But it makes my mom happy
Makes her feel like she is helping
Makes her feel like I am trying to be better
Mom I am trying
My head just hates me and I don't know how to make it stop
I've given up.
Idkidkidkventsesh
Nov 2015 · 392
well
s Nov 2015
tonight the shadows smothered me
a sheet of black
I cant quite see the light through all the shadows
I try to get them off
but its too hard and tonight I am giving up
tonight I'm tired
tonight I just want to be done to be alone
I want someone to shine some light
except I don't
cause I find peace in shadows
which I know is twisted
but it is the truth.
I want to die.
Idk
Nov 2015 · 335
Not tonight.
s Nov 2015
I hate living
I hate dying
I hate everything
I hate the door
And the floor
But just tonight
Tomorrow I will see the sun again
Tomorrow I will love things
But not tonight
And that's hard.
Nov 2015 · 345
year
s Nov 2015
It has almost been a year
how can time go so fast
but yet so slow.
Oct 2015 · 559
Dear Dad
s Oct 2015
you taught me to drive
you taught me that family is most important
that adventures are always there if you look
you love me
out in the driveway teaching me how to shoot hoops
in the house eating cereal out of a mixing bowl
you told me I could be whatever I wanted to be
kissing mom on the forehead
you tell mom beautiful things that make her smile
hearing the garage door and running to give you a hug
laughing and crying
"if someone gives you an opportunity, take it"
waking up to a knock on my door on a Sunday "I made breakfast"
running at 5am and talking about life and why the earth turns
eating oats on the back porch on our red chairs
redbox and pizza and football
getting a drink from the hose
you could make the meanest tacos
putting a big arm around me and saying "I sure am proud of you beautiful girl of mine"
crying wishing hoping wanting
wanting this back
thank you
I love you and miss you daddy
college is hard
but I will make you proud.
sincerely, your little girl.
homesick
Oct 2015 · 350
Survival
s Oct 2015
It eats at you with ravenous guilt
Knowing that you need to be rebuilt
They welcome you with betraying hands
Controlling you from taking a strand
listening to the closing door
Memories splashing on the floor
I try so hard to make the monsters run away
They just barged in and demanded to play
In this game of life
Please don't choose the knife
Keep fighting for what you need
Or all your going to do is bleed
Wrote this with a friend
Sep 2015 · 406
hurt
s Sep 2015
It hurts
Looking back at what I had
It hurts
Knowing that I am getting worse
It hurts
Understanding grown up things
It hurts
Standing on the scale
It hurts
When words drip from your skin
It hurts
To live with a mask
It hurts when everyone tells you that you need help but help only makes things worse.
I am so done
Sep 2015 · 269
Decide
s Sep 2015
I don't want to be wishing anymore.
I don't want to be alive anymore.
I want to become what I want.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Aug 2015 · 365
Just typing
s Aug 2015
I try to write.
I am trying to vent.
But my head is tangled
I can't brush it out without pulling my brain with it.
How do I say this
I'm done I'm really done.
I don't know how I'm going to make it
I am lost
I feel really low
I don't know what to do anymore.
I am just typing
My ankle stings
I just relapsed
Yay
Well anyway
Hopefully I don't die
Or do
I don't care
Okay until next time
Or not
Bye
Idk
Jul 2015 · 1.5k
Knives.
s Jul 2015
I remember when I would help with dinner at my grandparents house.
My grandpa would always have me cut up vegetables.
He always told me I was holding the knife the wrong way, he didn't want me to hurt myself.
He would hold my hand and help me cut the vegetables so I would learn.
Well now that I'm older I dont need help.
Now that I'm older I avoid dinner.
I know how to hold knives.
The difference is that now I don't care how I hold it.
I am so careless.
Cause when I put it to my paper skin and watch the Ink fall out I just keep thinking about how my grandpa would remind me to hold it right so I don't cut myself and he would put his big hand over mine and show me how to do it the right way so I don't hurt myself.
But grandpa  now that I'm older that's all I use knives for.
Choppyyyy
Jul 2015 · 326
Ocean.
s Jul 2015
My head is an ocean of empty
Which makes it a trench
It used to be full of life
Now it's dirt
If you tried to jump in you would fall so hard
Your head would break open
So please don't fall
I already did
Falling ***** when you don't have the energy to grab onto something to save you.
I don't think I want to be saved
I'm okay with falling tonight
Cause its easier to swim in an ocean without water anyways.
Twisted up
Jul 2015 · 357
Poetry
s Jul 2015
I cant quite connect with some poems
Cause it's
Their words
Their head
I'm sure they understand it though
It's theirs.
My words
My phrases
Become me
They are in my head
But not everyone understands my head
Even I don't understand my own head
For some reason though when I write it down it makes perfect sense to me.
And I that's what I find beautiful about poetry
Idkidkidk
Jul 2015 · 634
Perfect chaos
s Jul 2015
It all makes perfect chaos
How the shadows light up my face
The moon hates me
It tells me to **** myself
Depression works for the moon
They have an unhealthy obsession with me
Depression holds me captive at night until the moon says to let me go cause the sun starts to glare in.
The sun used to save me
Bring back my smile
But the night never leaves anymore
I try to ignore it.
But its hard to ignore something that has consumed you.
I'm scared.
What I'm going to do to myself.
Idek
Jun 2015 · 540
Choose your poison
s Jun 2015
Here I am again
Sitting against the door
Shaking hands
Shaking chin
Water splashing on the floor
I try so hard to calm back down
Make the monsters run away
I never invited them over
They just barged in and demanded to play
I thought I locked them out for good
I was happy again
Until now
Now I hear them calling me out
No ignoring them anymore
So here is what I have to choose
My poison
Number one or two?
Both will **** you
But which kind do you want?
Neither? Well that's too bad cause you're picking one up.
Messed up tonight.
Jun 2015 · 348
Are you okay
s Jun 2015
Are you okay?
You just look dark
The sparkle in you seems gone
I don't know
You're not the same
You're empty
But full of something
The terror of something is seeping out of your eyes, its replacing the light that was there
I don't know if I can help
I get glimpses of who you were
Of who you are
I don't know where you went
Please come back
I don't like this new you anymore.
May 2015 · 664
be okay
s May 2015
Since my puppy died I decided that I need to start living more
For her
I know that's bazare because it was just a dog. She wasn't though.
She was the reason I fell asleep
The reason I didn't go through with plans
She helped me calm down
My best friend
I know its sad and pathetic that a dog was my best friend
I don't care though
Cause watching her paw go slowly limp
Holding her white fluffy fur for the last time
It was heartbreaking
It broke something
But it also flipped a switch
I need to learn to be okay with myself
Cause you never know who is going to leave or when they will
But when they do
You need to still be okay.
I miss my puppy so much
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