i dreamed that I was in hell
but i woke up lying next to you

oh buddy!
life is rough...
times are tuff!
it all will get better soon?

nuh nuh no one listens
they tend to ignore
can I ask you a-
(shut up makayla
no one cares)
im beginning to become afraid.
that if no one listens to me.
then I’d have to listen to myself.
help me please.

i’d loved him so hard
i’d forgotten how to hate what he does to me.

growing up taught me that to know what love is, I had to first love myself. i can never tell someone I love them if I didn’t know what love felt like.

y’all over here talking ‘bout love and ****.
like it lasts forever or whatever
but forever has gotta end.
your kinda love ain’t real
not real like my love
that dreaming about you at night kinda love.
that thinking about how he smiled at you kinda love.
yeah
your kinda love ain’t real.

i find that the magical thing about humans is how strong willed we are.
if he wants you he will find you
if he needs you he already has you.

oh man....
sometime i don't like him.
man, i mean
he's not too nice too me.
i like **** more
she gets my point across.
and she's  got no reason to hurt me.

my ankle doesn't seem to hurt anymore
i think it's because I stopped running after you
but i haven't tried it out yet
maybe I shouldn't? just in case it might still hurt.
i won't

my stomach kinda hurts
feels like a coffee can incapsulates it
i can shake it up, pour it out, drink it up
but then i crash and burn
this only really happens, when I think of your face.
listen to your voice
watch you smile.
stop making my stomach hurt.

im sitting here
wiitttthhh
my friend corine and she just said?
i spelt her name wrong....?
sorry corrinnee
no corrinne

why do i love the suffering you put me through

it's hard to open the door when i don't know if there's tigers lions and bears awaiting my arrival

it took me a long time to recognize
that im broken
but not all of me just little small cracks
like a mishandled porcelain doll
shiny, white, fragile
don’t shake me too much
or try to pull my hair
because I will shatter

maybe I lost my touch
can no longer
manipulate
subjugate
you.
i know that sounds
mighty cruel
but when given a rose
with those dark painful thorns
wouldn't you want to take them off to.
strip them with your words
and make them beautiful.

i used to save the messages where you complimented me
told me i was
beautiful
how my smile could warm the seven seas
things that I’d never heard before
so I would save them
because I thought I’d never hear these things again
but
now those messages hold up space
in my phone
because now I see the sharks you hid underneath the sea
and those words ate me up

haven't wrote a poem in a while.
it's because a few
night ago... I cried so
hard
my throat sung those old
slave songs cause lately
I guess i've been a slave to perfection,
a slave to the image, unable
to smile if not requested, unable to escape.
tried to listen to those revolutionaries on twitter
like fredrick douglas and such.
only made me fear the freedom
that might not ever be.

they say you are a dream
but baby we have nightmares too

today, i smiled in the first time since November.
my smile feel to the ground with the leaves.
froze to the ground with the snow
and rose again with the brighter sun.

haaaay you???
you must got me some kind confused?
caused
i mean
did you think i was ever gonna love you,
trust YOU.
better gon'on find another little TRICK
to play cause i ain't no trick.
by gollie you better find you 'nother one.

i remember when you told me i was special
was it because of the way my cheeks rolled over my eyes when I smiled?
or was it because of how I fawned over the big white tigers we saw at the zoo?
because when I wonder why you told me this, it seems unclear
cause I guess you're special to me too

i saw the way you rolled your eyes at her and they landed on me.
did you think I didn’t see?
i saw how you waltzed over to me.
stay away from me.
please.

everytime i hit this juul
it burns the back of my throat
the same sensation i feel
when i'm talking to you

when we touch I see the dark tar on your skin seep into mine and still forget to remove my hand

I left when you stomped, sat, and spit on my heart.
But cried for you to come back because i had forgotten what you did.

dang.
these teenage boys, don’t got no love for me.
they know how to hit the right places, smile at the right faces,
and be at the right place in my heart.
these teenage boys aren’t there for me.

my heart hurt
and i pressed on it
and on it i pressed
to see if it would numb the pain
but instead it left a bruise
the bruise it left

it was not until
i had that bottle in my hand
did i realize that i had subjected myself to a life without God
i did not realize the emptiness this life contained
or the pain left to fester
until i looked at my self in the mirror and nowhere could i see the Jesus in me.
i knew then that my choice to live with God
left open wounds and empty hearts in me
because i knew that His presence presents
in love and joy in me
and without Him i am nothing.

i haven't cried yet.
even though you told me you didn't love me at 3 o'clock
and then blocked me on instagram at 4
hung out with her at...was it 6?
such a timeline of events
i haven't cried yet
im not sure that I will.

10 pm
i saw this ******* tiktok she was so pretty
12:33 am
why does everyone my age look so much better than me
2:45 am
wow i look nothing like these girls
3 am
i'm going to starve myself and maybe i'll look right
4:56 am
positive affirmations. i am beaut-no. i can't compete
8 am
i can do better
10 pm
i saw this ******* tiktok she was so pretty

i walked away from you when you told me i would be nothing.
you know why?
because today i was something.
and there is no way posssible
that someday i will be nothing
when TODAY i was something

lORD.
this tooth ache
maybe if I pain myself more then the
acHEE, will stopping aching
press on it makayla
NO STUPID. don’t press on it
hurt hurt hurt
painnnn
tired of this pain like a tree being growing under my tooth
the roots spreading across my gum
giving me this ACHE.

my back aches
to the sound
of
footsteps
climbing up our stairs.
i,
alert,
run to hide all contraband
for fear of losing everything.
swallow loose pills
you remember you told me you hate me?
oh ****
its just my sister

you undress my mind with your eyes
see behind the walls surrounding my thoughts
and caress my worries and pain

today, i looked outside the window
HA
did you think i’d go outside
and destroy that beautiful scene
my feet would have left a mess,
my breathe would’ve moved the seeds
no
everything needs to stay in place
like that painting um,
something with lillies?

the woman
SOsO beautiful
so strong, she's made of titanium steel
unbreakable and unchangeable
the woman
skin so soft
like the touch of the rose petals she cultivates
intertwined in her hair
gosh, nothing can beat THE WOMAN.

a book focusing on the ill-controlled tempers behind the human connection.
you, begs the questions "why are you" "how are you" and "what do you" based off the cynical analysis of the life of a teenage girl (me)
the intent of these pages is to show the frayed wiring of the connections in life. my hope is by writing this book some engineer will come fix these wires.
news flash, no one has.

today i chose not to tie my shoes the way you like them
or straighten up my back the way you make me
because today
my day
is not gonna be the way you like it.

you never showed me how to love
instead I taught myself.