He wants to pretend that last night was on the timeline of never.
But he forgets to remember that I’m an overthinker.
Drinking the venom that forms on his mouth.
Letting it spread into my veins until it numbs my capability to make words come out.
Tangled in his web of lies, waiting patiently to let him bite my head off.
Beaten up by his uncontrollable anger until I’m left in gravel with a ****** spit and a hoarse cough.
Standing at the very end of the line of dominoes he purposefully toppled over.
Unsure of his motives to hurt me, I don't think the pain will get any better.

I don't know what I did wrong for him to hate the person he used to love so dearly.
I feel death will be the bandage for the knife wounds he left in my heart so merely.
I wish he knew how much it hurts and how much I cry.
But to him, it's just another day passing by.

i wish you coul(d) gauge my eyes (o)ut
and peek ins(i)de the hollow walls
dripping with red pain(t)

seasons change, but I remain the same.
A feel of the frost that lingers in my hands, leaving a numbness to idly caress them.
A taste of the scorching heat that singes my tongue black, spewing out fire like an angered dragon hungry for tears.
A view of heavy storms or sunny days, confusion of feelings that leads to frustration and outbursts.
A sound of leaves crunching on the ground, wishing I could just fall and be crushed down to nothing but dust.
A smell of each holiday transitioning to the next, leaving me to wonder when I will to.
And yet, the seasons go by so quickly, and I am stuck in time.
I am stuck in a place where people keep moving on while I’m confined to just watch the seasons go by.
I can not move.

A warm heart that once beat,
Is cold as ice from tragedy, sorrow, and defeat.

"It is all in your head"
Yes, my illnesses resides in my head.
Out of all illnesses that can happen anywhere in my body,
My brain is the paper that soaks up all this poisonous black ink.

Yes, it is in my head. But just like any illness, I wish for it to go away.
I do not wish for more pain, more fear, more mellow feelings.
Yet, it sticks to my body like a fly in a cobweb, struggling to get out until finally it succumbs to its demise.
It's a fight against time and a battle caged inside my skull.
I can hear the banging, the screaming, the explosions.
And they're all directed at me.

Yes, it is all in my head. The constant fighting that leaves me so worn out, I can barely open my eyes to a pastel colored sky as the sun wakes from her slumber.
Skipping breakfast because it just doesn't seem appetizing, as I feel myself weathering into nothing but bones and skin.
Avoiding social interaction because I'll open my heart as if it was an invitation to make those feel welcome in the home that is my arms, fearing that they'll tear out the wallpaper and hammer out the walls.
Staying in my four wall cage that is my lonesome room because I have no motivation to do anything else but to cry and sleep and contemplate my life choices.
Running my fingers through dried red lines carved into my skin, fascinated at such a gruesome work of art made by yours truly.

Yes, it is all in my head. A constant battle waged against me that I fear I will never win. All I ever have is time, time to heal or a time to never feel.

Yes, it is all in my head. I am sick and in pain. I am afraid that the blood flowing in me will soon come to a sudden stop.
I need you to believe that what is in my head will continue to spread until I am no longer.
I need you to believe in me when I say I need help.

I truly despise
This cruel disguise
placed upon me

In circles, I run
from evil I have done
But I am not free.

I am terrified
of this roller coaster ride
going faster until it suffocates me

My depression and anxiety
my never ending insanity
this will all be the death of me

I want to be alive
But I am deprived
of oxygen and sleep

How do I go about this
turning these scars into bliss?
The end times is all I see

I cannot choose
I'm always bound to lose
And a loner I will always be

I cant see any escapes from this
and only Death can put me to ease with his kiss
Someone, anyone, please, help me...

I have gotten so used to the vastness of dark spaces,

I began to believe they are my friends.

leave me in my chaos, won't you?

these cries for help are just empty echoes, isn't it?

ignore my tears as they fall, would you?

leave me alone when my body collapses onto the pavement.

isn't this what you wanted?

the sight of my bleeding knees fills you with joy, doesn't it?

and when i cry, you blame it on the chemical imbalance in my brain, isn't that right?

i only ask for you to kneel beside me
maybe even put a band-aid on or two,

so maybe i would stop bleeding and crying for you.

so maybe i could just breathe,
and walk straight for just a few seconds.

so maybe the taste of your lips
can make me forget the taste of my blood.

But telling you that is too much for you, isn't it?

losing your heart
to someone else

is like losing your virginity
once you do it
you can't go back

you'll never be the same.

so why is it that
when i fell in love
with a pixel screen
abandoned in
the other side of the world

did i not feel pain?
why did it feel
as if nothing happened
that we did not
kiss
or say i love you
or make love
late into the night

why does it all just feel like
these memories were set in some kind of
parallel universe?

that begs the question...
did i really love you?
or did i just fall out of
this lonesome feeling?

I feel like the laughs and smiles rattle in my chest like my anti-depressants when I shake the bottle.

It feels so hollow and dark until I light up momentarily, and then it dies again.

The smiles and laughs are like bugs in a jar, you shake them and they move, but leaving them in too long kills them off.

I just can't understand why I cry feeling this pain but then inflict it upon myself when I can't feel anything at all.

I can't help but think how ****** up I am, taking pills, talking about my problems, slicing my arms until they drip with blood.

It's impossible for me to be happy when this hollow feeling lingers with my emotions as its prisoner.

Shaking itself, rattling them up to taunt them until they cry out.

I can't live in this false hope anymore.

There is no help for me, no happiness for me here.

They're just echoes that bounce off the walls in my chest.

No one can hear the loud pain beneath this numb body.

It's like screaming for help underneath water.

and happiness is the one keeping me under. It's

Pointless

Lies,

Egocentric

Abuse,

Silence

Eerie filled rooms full of avengeful ghosts. I can't help but feel,

Hateful

Erratic

Lament

Perplexed by these feelings that rattle in my ribcage.

Maybe this life isn't for me
Eternal emptiness that can not be fulfilled.

"It's over, I cant do this anymore. It's better for the both of us."

I heard those words and I feel my body being crushed and shattered by the tires of a bus.

I know you couldn't see it, but I visioned the world being hit by a meteor.

My world, to be exact, and I begin to transform into delicate paper, and you, a sharp scissor.

And we all know that scissors beat paper. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

Because in my eyes, I was the atrocious sun, and you were the beautiful moon.

A tragedy, I must say.

I mean, I guess no one really expects this type of love to go away.

I mean, hell, even I didn't want to believe it.

Because you began to cry and I had to offer you my solace and comfort.

I had to choke back my razor sharp tears.

And protect you from all of your fears.

Just like I always have tried to love you for your heart.

But it only seemed that my love wasn't your preference of art.

To this day, I regret comforting and letting you cry as I sit on my bed staring at my laptop screen trying to calm you down.

And you were so selfish to not see that I kept you afloat while I started to drown.

And I just want to say that I ******* hate you but I still love you so ******* much.

And I want you to feel pain but I also want to love you again, but just enough.

I had hoped you would give me a second chance.

But oh, with those sweet, hope filled words, you had me in a trance.

Until I realized that it wasn't going to happen, oh not at all.

And my friends became a razor and the edge of a building, 40 stories tall.

When did my love notes turn into suicide notes?

When did my perfume become an ocean of sunken boats?

And, oh, how long did you keep this love facade on me?

One, two months, maybe even three?

What was it that had made you leave instead of stay?

Because you said it were the fights that made you go away.

But honestly, I think that's *******, because if you were so mature like you claimed to be,

You would have sat me down and talked it out, but instead you closed the door behind you and locked it with a key.

And oh **** no, don't you dare tell me that I shouldn't have gotten so attached.

Because you encouraged our plans for our future together to leave our horrible past.

You told me you loved me and swooned me with such diction.

But then again, you led me on for a couple of months, so how can I know that wasn't fiction?

I just don't know what to think of that night.

It was a signed waiver for my death, timed just right.

I'm just kidding, ***. You only added onto my stress of tests and the end of school.

And you sure did your job at making me your fool.

And today, I still cant breathe when I think about you creating future plans with someone else.

As I stand here fumbling the ceiling so that I can hang this death providing belt.

I hope you got what you wanted, the happiness of being alone.

But I hope you know, when you come back home, I'll be dead on the floor, a person whose heart you once owned.

Just like it's always been for people like me.

But I know you can't see all of this because your tears made your vision blurry.

But I ******* hope you see that you completely shattered and broke me and I had to be ******* strong because I had hoped if I did I can prove to you that this can all be fixed,

But...

Now I'm trying to to go about this alone and refrain from getting my emotions and sicknesses mixed.

I hope you feel happy that you killed the person who loved you so dearly...

And even through all this mess, still I will be dumb enough to take you back into my arms if you ever wanted to, but that's just my theory.

And I reminisce our memories and your gifts and force them into a box.

But I much rather be in one 6 feet down the earth, because I'll only perceive myself as an orthodox.

A contradictory, a mess, someone who can be replaced.

As I stand my ground and move on from you at such a slow pace.

It seems like everyone just wants to disappear.
left alone, secluded, isolated from what is far and near.

It seems like everyone just wants to be thought about.
Have people wonder where they are or what they’re doing, but no one can get the secrets out.

It seems like everyone just wants some time alone.
To take a breath of fresh air and heal the wounds that haven’t been sewn.

It seems like everyone just wants to run away from their problems.
Hiding behind wooden doors and glass screens, wanting out from the hell it stemmed from.

It seems like everyone just wants to concentrate on their dreams.
Hidden in another dark house while the other is waiting to pop the party streams.

It seems like everyone just wants to let go.
But they struggle to take out the knife that pierced their heart from the person that loved them so.


I want to disappear.
left alone, secluded, isolated, but I’m too scared to lose the people that are far and near.

I want to be thought about.
Have people wonder what I’m doing or how I am, but no one cares enough to get my secrets out.

I want some time alone.
But every time I’m alone, I’m engulfed in an overcast of shadows reminding me of the wounds that I have never sewn.

I want to run away from my problems.
But there’s always so much more coming and every corner is another hell where it’s stemming from.

I want to concentrate on my dreams.
But I can’t sleep, I get nightmares; I cant breathe, I never asked to, and I know wherever I’ll go, they’ll welcome my death in with popped party streams.

I want to let go.
But I keep twisting the knife in my heart that has been severely wounded by many who claimed they loved me so.


So I go on a hiatus, and give the perception that I’m not here.
So that people wont care when I take my own life, and I wont have to second guess my fear.

Do you know that feeling?
When you feel your skin peeling?

Where your brain becomes uncovered
Revealing all the pain you tried to recover

And, oh god, you see everything becoming darker
And you plead for escape, but it's getting so much harder

To breathe.
And you begin to heave.

Oh god, they're closing in
And you think to yourself you cant relive this again

But they show no mercy
And they shower your eyes in shadows until everything becomes blurry

It's so dark and scary to be left like this alone
But everyone else always tells you to go into your happy home

But what they don't know is that house burned down
And they can't understand why you never make a sound

You know you're in pain and suicidally crazed
So why do you let everything become a haze?

I don't know honestly, I just bottle it in
And all I ever have is a paper and black pen.

love.
bullying.
heartbreak.
tragedy.
existence.
preference.
color­.
belief.
exhaustion.
insanity.
pain.
sadness.
illness.
worthiness.
stress.

all of these words tied together in one single, blood red soaked string.
even if we wanted to, we can't stop thinking about the past, present, and future.
we contemplate our lives as if the knife will deliver our freedom with wings.
but what we know without our power to **** ourselves, we are clearly unsure.

you see, many people have this stigma that killing ourselves is a selfish way to go.
that they believe we just need to "go for a walk" or "smile and don't be negative" as if it was our choice to become who we are.
many people believe we are just putting our masks, as if our illness was the stage and we were the characters putting on an overreacted show.
question is: don't you think we all would have done that if it was so easy to be happy and go far?

we put guns to our heads,
ropes around our necks,
slits on our wrists,
bags over our heads,
cement blocks on our legs,
pills down our throats,
and sidewalks crushing our fragile bodies,

because we are ******* tired.

we feel like we have no other choice of escape because, believe me, we have tried to protest against our sin.
our cries for help are seen as attention or fake until our bodies are found hung like limp and colorless ornaments on a burnt Christmas tree.
only in the dire times of our ends are we finally noticed and we fight, and fight until we begin to realize that it's the same vicious cycle of hell that we are thrown in.
our bodies being weathered and crushed and grounded into fine ashes that are later then caressed by the air as the preacher sets them free.

We feel so alone through the fights that are proclaimed to others that they will be there yet they vanish like cruel, cold-hearted magicians.
We are the rabbits in the dark pitiless top hat alone to swallow knives for everyone's entertainment as they stare fascinated yet afraid.
No one wants to help a helpless person for fear that their problems only result in a lack of cognition.
The responsibility of contemplated lives rest in the hands of those who want help, but at the end leave after all the hopes they said.
-
...I wish you can see my eyes when they're swollen red with droplets of dull crystals roll down the cheeks I so badly damaged with scratches as a fit of rage on Sunday.
But alas, I'm invisible to the naked eye like a ghost, am I the proof that paranormal entities exist?
I wish you can see my struggle as I attempt to break away.
From all the pain residing in my head that makes me think like a pessimist.
But, please, open your eyelids and expose your mind to the dark places we are living in even if it will take sometime for your eyes to get adjusted.
Uncover our eyes and wipe our tears and check our skin for cuts and scars.
We will refuse and say we're okay for the betterment of everyone else's situation.
But don't give up, for we know truthfully we have wandered into this dreadful, dark, and confusing brain maze pretty far.

We wan't to stop crying and hurting and feeling like our lives don't matter because we see ourselves as unwatered, wilted flowers given to a single mother of 3 kids whose father couldn't spare a little bit of sunshine to fill our stomachs.
Truthfully, we don't want to die, we want to find happiness and peace within ourselves to stay alive.
We want to be saved, we want to be helped, we want to be heard, and we don't want to further plummet.
So please, if you cared enough to read this poem for the betterment of our mental health, provide us the help and care, and call 1-800-273-8255.

How much more will I have to break my bones,
How much more will I have to stay paralyzed,
How much more will I have to rip out my skin,
How much more will I have to claw out my heart,
Before someone comes and reincarnates me back into a healthy new born?

and so i sit here in tears
clutching onto my phone
constantly going back and forth between apps
seeing how you are silent with me
but alive to everyone else.
and im left here to wonder
if me trying to do the simplest things to show i love you
is even enough to let me see your heart
but only these **** tears
that must have already turned my body
into a raging ocean
washes away the bitterness that i gain
and i force myself to smile
to say im sorry
to be the one to message you first
and try to have conversations
to be the only one feeling horrible
about speaking my feelings
just to prevent your tears
to contaminate my overflowing water

my heart ******* hurts.
but you ignore that, just like the messages.

I hate how you would give me painted masks for me to wear as a gift of your love.

How you said that if I wore them I would show you love that only comes from above.

How you said it was for the better but at the end it wasn't enough for you to stay.

And slowly and surely you began to fade away.

You said I had to change, and baby, if it was for you, I would.

Always for you my love, I thought to myself, I should.

And I began to mold myself into fitting your criteria.

But I guess that led to our demise and my hysteria.

And I began to think when I'm left all alone.

If it was me or you that burned down our sacred home.

And I try to take off the masks that has melted onto my face.

And then I realized your masks were never replaced.

And, god, I felt so ******* dumb for letting you do this to me.

But it's okay, because i still love you, can't you see?

And slowly I'm chipping away your painted masks.

But it's so hard to move when you've been drowning in the bottom of a flask.

But I'm sure you don't understand, besides, your mask was easily ridden.

And we become a love that is painfully forbidden.

It was always for you, my love, but never for me, and so...

I hope you know that I still love you, and you easily let that go.

beep beep beep

i wake up today and everything seems okay.
i get myself ready and dress up for today.

i put my backpack on and begin my trip to school.
pressing my forehead against the bus' window that feels cool.

i put my earbuds in and listen to nice music as i watch the sun rise.
but... i hear a kid shouting in the back going off about someone who looked weird to him, as he begins criticizing their appearance and personality and...

...nevermind that, today is good.
today is the day where depression is not being rude.

i quickly tune them out and concentrate on the lyrics.
and before i know it, i am already out of the bus, ready to be fearless.

i open the door and enter my school.
and... there's so much noise that quickly hits me all at once, and everyone is talking over each other and i see someone running and another yelling and it's only 8:20 in the morning...

... i walk quickly to the library, where it is most quiet.
i take a deep breath and calm down my mind's riot.

today is good, and i want to take advantage of this.
i dont get these as often, so it gets really easy to miss.

i remind myself that i need to keep happy.
dont let them get to your brain's anatomy.

i hear the bell ring, that means it's time for class.
I walk out of the library and into a mass.

of... people quickly walking to their respective classrooms, the hallways are becoming congested  and people are trying to run and push through and yelling and laughing and it only gets worse once the warning bell rings and...

... i found my classroom, im the first one in.
i take my seat and lift up my chin.

today is a good day, im not going to let it pass by.
i pull out my journal and let out a small sigh.

i think im handling myself pretty well, i hope it stays like this.
and... then people begin trickling into the room, one by one and then five at a time. it feels like everyone is looking at me, the girl in front of me always does like if i have something on my face. do i? i quickly check myself on my phone screen and...

... i realize what im doing and quickly put it away.
i have to stop acting like people are predators and im the prey.

i ignore my discomfort for the rest of my class' times.
i quietly do my work and im still keeping my happiness as my prime.

im doing okay, this is going great!
i hear someone talking about population rate.

wait... they're talking to me, ****, what do i say? im already stuttering and they have a surprised face. it's such an easy answer yet i make it so hard, i just need to get to the point before i talk too much and look like an idiot and provide them an example for why they should stay away from me...

... i go back to writing notes on my journal and pretend that never happened.
my hands are shaking and my forehead is dampened.

no, today is being nice to me, i need to let it be.
i know i'll feel accomplished at the end of the day, i just need to wait and see.

my stomach begins to rumble, i think im ready for some food.
i enter the cafeteria to place down my belongings, just to notice it be moved by someone rude.

and... then it hits me, the noises pick up once again and everyone is louder than ever. i mean of course they would be since it's lunch time, but do they really need to yell? i see a fight start and everyone crowds around, phones flashing, loud yelling and erratic laughing and...

...i feel horrified and quickly leave with my food tray.
im starting to panic, why isn't this feeling going away?

im supposed to be happy, ******* it, i made this my goal for today.
so why isn't this feeling going to bed to silently lay?

i lose my appetite to eat and throw it in the trash.
i feel my brain burning with fire and leaving traces of ash.

and... the noises are becoming closer and i hear everyone laughing. laughing at me, staring me down, i bring my hands up to touch my face and my cheeks are wet, im crying, i touch my chest, my heart beat is going crazy. my hands wont stop shaking. what is this? what is this feeling? i cant understand, i see so many eyes of different colors and shapes and they're all on me...

... how can i be happy when i feel everything is closing me in?
isolating myself in the walls within...

... i quickly fall back into sadness, and the cycle continues.
i can never get past this feeling here, the torture ensues.

the time goes fast when im in a panic.
it's 4 in the afternoon and my hands and ears feel like tv static.

i feel so exhausted and depressed and completely in a state of unrest.
and i know i have to get home and study for my upcoming tests.

but... i dont, i get home and lay down on my bed. i cry and cry because my feelings wont go away. im alone with my thoughts that torture my soul. i cant move, i cant enjoy the things i want to do. i have no motivation although im by myself now. but it's so hard to keep this up when im in my depressive state right now. i cant eat and my window falls into night, my eyes stay closed but my body keeps me awake with all its might. at some time, my mind finally goes to bed to lay. and i think to myself i just want nothing more but to

beep beep beep*

start another day.

one more
isn't
just one.

I hope my name sticks to you,
like a regrettable tattoo.

funny how
people turn into smokes in mirrors,
when words
of melancholic tones are merely uttered.

whatever you do,

please don't leave me alone on this day in which i mourn
over the death of my heart and my soul

please hide away all the knives,
cut your vegetables with a spoon or something.

dont leave me alone in this house,
i'll be sure to make company with my demons.

flush down the pills,
dont let me find the key to the medicine cabinet.

make sure to call or message me,
i cant stand being alone today.

dont shave your body today with those razors,
i'll be tempted to turn my skin into paper snowflakes.

please dont let me lock myself in my room,
i'll take the opportunity to meet my doom.

please dont leave me alone to cry in my closet alone,
i'll be sure to make my arms drip the sadness out.

and for ****'s sake,
please dont pass this off as just another overreacted poem.

i need you to be with me on the 11th, and make sure i'll make it until the 12th.

i need help. i cant breathe today. i dont want to be alive today. please dont leave me alone today.

Why do you say you care,
when you dont even care to listen to what's beneath my hair?

All you care about is ******* a person that only loves you just for that.
All you care about is your own selfish needs.
All you care about is your small problems you whine so much about.
(Seriously, it's starting to get on my nerves.)
All you care about is the people you haven't been able to ****.
All you care about is your relationship.
All you care about is using your mental illness to get what you want.
All you care about is manipulating those who are dear to you.
All you care about is revolving your world around toxic people.
All you care about is the horrible parts of yourself.

And yet,
You don't understand why your friends are in pain.
Or why you don't even have any friends at all.
You don't understand why he loves your body so much but not your heart.
You don't understand why you're still sad.
You don't understand why people step all over you.
You don't understand why you are so alone.
You don't understand why you tear yourself apart.
You don't understand why I am mad at you.

And yes,
I have been mad at you for such a very long time.
Because I, your friend, will sneak out of my house with just a dime.
And I can turn this shiny coin to your vibrant smile.
I can twist the tides to make the ship sail less violent.
I can break my bones and rip my skin to make you a comfortable tent.
I can listen to you and watch you cry as you vent.
I can be the comfort you seek solely from your relationship.
I can say magical things that can transform your hurricane to calm waters.
I can tear myself apart just for you.

And yet,
You are still not here for me.

I'm a revolving door.
pushed around and stepped on until I'm dizzy and sore.

Used only for your own benefit.
And then you say words that make me feel like ****.

In April, the cherry blossoms bloom.

And so will my impending doom.

during these nights, I realize how terribly lonely I truly am.

I'm just so easily replaceable, no one gives a ****.

It hurts so much to feel so worthless.

and I get so used to the point where I'm worn out and useless.

I guess that's the point in which everyone begins to leave.

They're doing this for the better, but it's not what I perceive.

And in these nights I just want to ******* cry.

Because I know no one would shed a tear if tonight I die.

I'm only needed for the benefits of these poor souls.

But where am I in this place besides a 6 foot hole?

my heart drowns in the sorrow you created.
with pieces of my mind you use for your entertainment.

good for nothing failure.
that's what you are.
a loser who cant be up to society's par.
always finding the easy way out.
going to the most wrong and jagged routes.
such a coward,
such a mess.
no wonder you're always so alone and depressed.
no one wants you here,
why dont you just die?
nobody will miss you,
nobody will cry.
you're just wasting oxygen,
you're just wasting space.
why dont you slit your wrists so you can be erased?
what? too scared now to slice your arms?
don't want people to see that you self harm?
how pathetic, how tragic you are as a person.
i hope more bad things happen to you so it can show you a lesson.
your pleas only provoke my demands.
your persistence will make me send you to hell for eternal ****.
shut up, no one wants to hear you speak.
everyone thinks you're an ugly stupid freak.
you hate yourself, and other people do to.
that is why all your friends and boyfriend left you.
stupid ****, you cant do anything right.
always so whiny and uptight.
look at everyone, theyre laughing at you.
your stupid face, your stupid reactions, i know you see it to.
you're a disappointment to everyone around you.
that's why no one praises you for the **** that you do.
you are disgusting.
every single cell in your body is sickening.
cant even imagine how horrible it is to wake up with it in a daily.
no one is to blame for all this **** but yourself, but maybe,
here's a suggestion:
G O  K I L L  Y O U R S E L F .