when you first handed me your heart, I wanted to

guard it. cherish it. nourish it. admire it.

& I did.

at my own expense.

every time I compromised. every time I believed the same old lie. every time you refused to try. slowly and overtime.. our love ran dry.

yet still you grab my face
between hands that once made me tremble.. and you scream to me that I am the sun, moon, and stars.

*******, I KNOW that.
I don’t need you to tell me my identity. I've always been my own universe and you were just a visitor.

go back down for air. you’ll find yourself there. I promise.  

it’s not that I hate you, it’s just that your worship doesn’t hum my hallelujah.

I want to give it to you straight.. I haven't dated in awhile, but if I had a choice, it would be you who makes me smile. I can envision it now, we could go for miles, stretching into infinity, but there are some things that don't come naturally for me. When push comes to shove, when I come undone, when I stand before you flesh and bone, will you make my body your home? Or will you wander and roam to places unknown? The thought of being alone doesn't haunt me. My own thoughts, they taunt me. These are the things I wish to tell you but my fingers won't type the words, my mouth won't voice the hurt. I'm scared of being left and scared of being smothered. If you saw me with your eyes uncovered, I fear you would run.. and I would let you. I know that if you looked at me with your soul, we could achieve a love burning brighter than the sun. I don't owe anyone an explanation nor an  excuse. The truth is, when I still had much to learn, I let my body burn. And I was numb to the flame, yet still the scars remain, even now, etched for eternity, written on flesh. There is still a part of me that wishes I could turn it all back. But I swear to you and swear to myself, there are no such things as mistakes, only lessons. And because of them I realized how truly blessed I am. I saw beyond perception, but will you? I don't want to let you in only to lose. Can we just cut loose all ties, deviate from this great divide? These are the questions that occupy my spare time. I'm not writing this for you, but for me. Setting myself free from the prison of uncertainty. Will you see me? The real me? A multidimensional being who took a worldly beating? I gained so much from these scars. But if you were to see them, I fear we would forever part. Once again, I end just to start.. so here's to hope, here's to heart.

if we want to make forward progress
we have to put a stop to all this unrest and nonsense
put your thoughts and words to good use
don't use them as a form of abuse
no one is fake
no one is stupid
no one is anything other than what they are
and what they are
you are too
we all have the same roots
we are all reading from the same book
some of us are just on different chapters
end the labels
end the hate
it is time for us to move on to the next page

how do I compare a thought that isn't there
an absence of words
something so absurd
yet profound
I dig deeper down
only to find a lack of sound
lack of how or why
this fleeting feeling is thin as smoke
I grasp for it with clenched fingers
further away it floats on by
eluding me it
lingers
further away this hope
I'm searching for
casts me out to sea a hundred times more
until my last and final breath
I'll keep swimming towards the shore
pushing forward until I return to the source and
soul departs
rips a part
the hardest part is
trying to describe
an empty
aching hollowness from syllables that once died
somewhere between barriers
brain
and tongue
graveyards of songs that will remain only a hum
unravel this winding web
I'm alone in my head again

when you sell your conscious for a profit
what do you gain
you've lost it
when the money is all gone
you won't be able to right your wrongs
I sit behind a computer screen trying to compute all that remains unseen
how can it be
our one and only home is dying
children throughout the world are crying
politicians stay lying
I'll never stop trying to make sense of it all
we're heaven sent but bound to fall
we mismanage nature yet act like grand creators
most would label me as a hater but I'm just trying to be my own savior
in a world full of deception
you have to put everything to the test and
I guess knowledge is a blessing but this new world view has me stressing
introspective
trying to find the meaning in every lesson
because there's always something to be learned
another bridge to burn as the planet takes a turn
I conceal my concern as to not stir up a riot
not like the people would buy it
these thoughts I cannot quiet
how do you expect me to remain silent when the world remains violent
unlearn everything you thought you knew
I urge you to try it
I had to wander from the path and never look back
your counterfeit reality is bound to crack
conspiracy theorists were on the right track when they said 9/11 was an inside attack
the true battle is not over oil or gold though
it's over your god-forsaken soul
which side are you on
where will you go
to be continued
the story unfolds

external forces
contort my frame of mind
walls were never built to tear down
but to stand tall
..
I thought empty rooms
had no worth
..
think of the possibilities
shouting from the rooftops
sprouting from your bones
filling in old holes
thought you would never have it all together
come to find out there's no such thing as whole
nor broken
we're all merely human
all merely coping
hanging on to hope and
I could have made a choice
but I choked
fear ripped out my vocal cords
spoke for me when I couldn't speak at all
..
I can taste change on the tip of
my tongue
feel the steady hum of it pumping through my veins
safe to say I'm
slowly starting to grasp
it's not about the fall
it's about the comeback

I see hope and
opportunity walking up to my doorway hand in hand
they knock
and my indecision lingers
fear digs its claws in deeper
the eternal woe of an undefeated foe
I guess it's true what they say
you reap what you sow
new beginnings beckon
a shipwreck lies within
dive beneath my waters
thoughts slip and falter
running out of time
             rhymes fall out of line
will someone please just throw me a line
I'm drowning in uncertainty
whether to take a chance or
let it be
the question is
will a chance take me?
set me free
give me new eyes to see and
a fresh beating heart
one that hasn't been ripped apart
torn to shreds
another hour sheds its skin
will I ever let someone in?

there are angels all around
God in every breath
today I will arise from bed
with wonder in my eyes and
music in my ears
fear has no grip on me

ever streaming sadness
not a single tear shed
devoid of all expression
living yet dead
unscrew my head
things better left unsaid

It’s not that I want to die
I can’t quite explain why
this body never felt like mine
merely a vessel and
this side of life
a lesson
I wish to escape all further testing
I already know the results
I’m not lost
my home lies beyond these weary bones
lay me in a tomb and
shoot me to the moon
I was never meant to wed a groom
consume regurgitated thoughts
this is what it feels like to be lost
out of place
no sense in trying to retrace my steps
these veins are not filled with regret
who would have guessed emptiness feels the heaviest

22
my silent friend
22
I let you in
more certain than my shadow
wherever I go you follow
even when I feel empty
aching
hollow
I know one thing for certain
in this life I may be hurting
my suffering is worth it
pain so bittersweet
a fate I cannot wait to meet
significant meaning in ordinary beings
the larger picture we simply aren't perceiving
the faintest brush stoke has infinite meaning
so I retrace the lines
trying to find
the creator of this grand design
are we of such simple minds
that we would try to define the beginning of time
come to find out
we've been ignoring all signs
underneath deception lies
the youth are preaching you don't hear our cries
too focused on the highs instead of the why's
turned to my inner eye
committed mental homicide what felt like a thousand times
came to a compromise
I hypothesize They monopolize our psyche
powers that be remain unseen
blame it on the fluoride
but ****
that's just me
getting off-key
this faith thing is new you see
used to feel like I was lost at sea
and I must admit
sometimes it still feels that way
not totally there
blending into shades of grey
f a ding away
you showed me better days lie beyond the haze
I have to push through
I don't do it for me
I do it for you
sincerely
truly
22

you only see what I reveal to thee
fail not to forget
perception is key
wishing upon a star won't get me very far
if only I could alter my current fate
I would let you take me on a date
perhaps a change of circumstance would lead to a moonlit dance
fear holds me prisoner
afraid to give out a chance
all that I am certainly cannot be enough
trust me when I say this
you deserve to be loved
for I have barely peered into your soul
yet this much I know
your very being
makes the stars sing
they dim their glow to watch you shine
in my wildest dreams
I could call you mine
although time be only a construct of the mind
I can feel it steadily slipping by
try as I might
I cannot find reason nor rhyme
some light to shine
as to why you should choose I
I grow weary that no one can turn a blind eye
to these fatal flaws of mine
so please know
in my heart
I am reaching out
but in my mind
I am filled with crippling doubt
have I turned you off now?

I’ve heard you’re supposed to
treat your body like a temple
so I’ve been burning myself
to the ground

I strive my best to live a life of nonviolence
somewhere along the way I abandoned all common sense
trying to stop living in the past tense
and if you want my 2 cents
the world’s a mess
there’s something I would like to address
I used to think I was depressed
I digress
I guess all the excess stress went straight to my chest
lost access to self express
I haven’t been right since
you see
recently
I became obsessed with the oppressed
The majority turn a blind eye
but I see b.s.
don’t even get me started on the press
look into your mind’s eye and see the power we posses
yet we make no real progress
repress success by banning protests in the U.S.
so far gone we need a g.p.s
nonetheless, we, the people, need to reassess
they’re manipulating your mind
playing you like a game of chess
yet you still think you know what is best
and I can’t get any rest thinking about what’s coming next
I was put to the test
self-professed that I’m blessed
in retrospect I cannot recollect a day of rest
my mind is always on its grind
I have rain on my brain
clouds in my eyes
looking up at the sky you can’t stop time and ask it why it chooses to float on by
no matter how hard you try
just doing what I have to do to survive
although I know in the meantime you’re on my side
someone once asked me how I could believe and why
so in reply I’ll try to simplify
my faith was solidified when I realized
heaven is on standby
waiting for I
now my eyes are open wide
there is no side
only free will
there’s a comfort in knowing a chance remains still
it’s up to you to fulfill
your prophecy
your destiny
I’m just searching for what’s best for me
namaste
wish I could remain but I have to be on my way
here’s to hoping for a change

Whether a blessing or a curse, I have the habit of looking at my thoughts under a magnifying glass. One particular thought that seems to play out in my mind is how do those around me, perceive me? I strive to live my life in a way of non-violence, ahimsa. And if I cause those around me to feel the flames of anger, judgment, etc, is that not a form of violence? Negative thoughts hurt a soul. And if I cause someone else pain, I inflict pain upon myself. I feel the key to life can be summarized in one word, perception. And on this particular evening, my perception led me to this trail of thoughts. Blowing up your news feed with an absurd amount of political (or what most would consider conspiracy theory) related posts is considered annoying among many people. Perhaps even ignorant to some. I know that most of the contents of what I post is "alternative" media. I know that a lot of people don't want to take the time out of their (understandably) busy day to read such things. But these are situations in which we need to be made aware of. Whether or not you deem it to be the truth, perceive the notion that anything is possible. And if there is just the slightest possibility that America, the land of the free, is rapidly losing it's freedom, should we not be the littlest bit concerned? When the government no longer serves its purpose, should we not, at the very least, question its authority? The primary purpose of any government is to uphold and protect the fundamental human rights of freedom, equality, peace, and justice for its people. I dunno about you, but I don't consider a land, nor it's citizens to be free when one cannot openly voice their opinions without being considered a threat to the general public. But then the question arises, if the government does not have our best interests in mind, what shall we do about it? I'm still searching for that answer. The world can seem an overwhelmingly bad place at times, even more so when the very walls of truth crumble around you. The task of change seems slightly less daunting when I remember these words, "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of." Never underestimate the waves you can make, your very being is of the utmost importance. From dead plant matter to snails to undiscovered creatures of the deep, everything in the natural world is connected. You are part of that connection too! Without you, there can be no change. And on that note, I'll end my rambling.

converse with me
ride in a hearse with me
adorn me in kisses sweeter than Hershey's
I don't want that artificial love
spare me something sent from above
when push comes to shove
I want to come undone
unraveled
time travel
light me like a candle
watch me flicker and fade out
*******
figuratively
perception is key
alter our current reality
increase the chemistry
love like dentistry
always ***** and never clean
something stuck in between
pull away
I've seen better days
and you can't rearrange
remember me
in your mental picture frame not as I am
but as I seek to be
set me free from the burden of uncertainty
don't care if you hurt me
pain is sedimentary
accumulating particles
read one too many articles
better ask an oracle
cause my heart of gold could turn to stone
became cold long before it was foretold
behold my intentions underlined in bold
a hand to hold
I couldn't fit the mold though
less than so so
never on the go go
put my life on hold
where did my thoughts flow
I'll listen to the crow crow
inside a house that never felt like my home
then again
neither did my bones
destined to go to a world untold
and so the story unfolds
an alien mind
incapable of rhymes
just trying to bide the time
till I reach the sky
you wanna watch the world burn
do you have thoughts that eat you alive
twists and turns
in the dead of night
tell me why

the tea is cold
my head is filled with mold
unfold stories that remain unsold
how can I be so bold
one might ask
I'll leave you with this
if I die tomorrow
I might never get the chance
to sing my song
instead of humming along
for so long I was just floating along
filling the void
devoid of all joy
I had to toy
with the idea
that my head remained unclear
tunnel vision
review mirror
not that I cling to all I hold dear
fear has its grip around my neck
I admit, it's hard to forget
a feeling that never left
a battle that still rages on
and on and on and on
repetitive thoughts loud as beating drums
but lacking the passion
contemplating cashin' in
cause I don't know where to begin
I once lived in sin
I still do
but because of you I made myself new
or so I thought I did
in the sense that I no longer do what isn't best
morally
for those supporting me
ironically
the only thing that holds me back is me
when I think back to being a kid
never could I have imagined this
a prisoner of war
and what for
there is so much more
I found a reason to stay and fight
I just wish I could fight for myself
I wish I could escape myself
self created hell
ah
to be granted a wish
such sweet bliss
or so it would seem
I no longer want to dream of dreams
but do
take a chance and pursue
change my perspective
seek something new
all old routes are through
I'm finished yet renewed
on the path to better views
painting the picture with brighter hues
always preaching it starts with you
this time I won't label it true
because what is
is
is
keep an eye out for my accomplishments

I wish could easily make people understand that it’s not them, it’s me. When I don’t reply, it isn’t because I don’t want to talk. I have thoughts that eat me alive. They steal away reality and leave me with nothing but sadness, and that makes it hard to talk, it makes it hard to breathe. Some days all I can manage to do is sit on the couch, because if I make any type of movement I think the world might crash around me.

Said that you had to leave and re-stitch some seams
in trying to fix something that remains unseen
you left me broken
at least I’ve made friends with irony
alone is how I prefer to be

I can finally breathe
because now I see
all along I really had nobody
the truth has set me free
from the burden of caring for those who don’t care about me

The world is a beautiful place
and I want to be beautiful
too
although there is nothing I can do
to change my face
lack of grace
or slow my pace
I know not my place in this world
I am but a girl
and what is one among many
is there meaning?
how am I supposed to find any
well
maybe I can
just not in this person I am
but I see it all around me
in each soul
every body
I meet
all incomplete
pieces of a puzzle
that I'll never fully see
why can't I just let it be
push these questions aside
and live my life
content with being swept along the tide
why can't I look past all the strife
what can I do to stop it
can I rearrange
make a change
people look at you strange
when you see a different picture
this is never what I  pictured
when I was growing up
how can our world be so corrupt?
everyone stuck
in their ways
lost in a daze so they remain the same
in kindergarten
I sat and looked up
as my teacher told me the news
could it be true?
9/11
war on "terror"
they were trying to scare us
just a bunch of cover ups
none of my friends seem to give a ****
maybe I care too much
or not enough
I want to change reality
how can I hold onto my sanity
if I continue to do nothing

Tell me
where do I start
with my hands or with my heart
everything I know has been torn apart
where do I start?

Bigger scars make better stories
But I've buried these words inside my bones
Staring at the same ceiling for far too long
All these places I have rested my head and none of them feel like home
I would trade my sweetest memory
To feel the breeze
Be at ease
Find some inner peace
Sweet release
I have clawed at flaws
Made friends with the stars
It's easier to lock myself in than deal with these scars
Strangers are passing time
Kissing in cars
While I construct another wall
Hide behind bars

Walking along the river, side by side
She asked, “Have you forgotten how to sing?”
To which
She heard no reply

Our planet isn't dying
It's being killed

And I will remain unfulfilled
Until I pick up the pieces and help
Rebuild

**** it
I'll go home
Soon as I’m ******
What’s another night on my own?

Let these wandering feet take me wherever they may go
No peace at home
Or within my bones
I never pick up the phone
But I wait all night
Hoping to get these words right
Like someone else just might
Ask me what I have to say
And just like every other day
The chance slips away
They say
It’s never been the problem
But how we face it
And let's face it
There’s no changing this
Starting to think I’m better off wasted
So I don’t have to face this
Take a bottle to the face
No chaser
I swear to you
This isn't her
She’s just a little unsure
Feeling impure
And increasingly insecure
About nothing in particular
Have you noticed how she avoids the mirror?
Is that any way to live life
A prisoner of your own fear?
Distancing yourself from all you hold dear
Just in case the end is near
This much is clear
You’ll never escape strife if you can’t put down the knife
You’ll never know love if you can’t rise above
Forgive yourself for the things you can’t control
Or it will start to take its toll
Like poison to the soul
You’ll never feel whole
Until someone passes you the bowl
And you start to tumble down the rabbit hole
With no control over where you’ll go
Time moves slow
Thoughts flow to and fro
Comes and goes
Highs and lows
Either way
I know
I’ll end up in bed
Alone
******
Listening to these headphones
Humming along to a melody that no one knows

I wish I could turn off the city lights and dim the stars
Lock away my mind behind steel bars
Maybe if I pause the world
The ache of living will slowly fade from my bones
What if sleep is the only time I ever feel at home
And lately taking breaths to stay has become the hardest task
All I ever seem to do is look back
My heart may be pumping
But I can’t feel the beat
It’s the murmur of a hummingbird's wings, soft and discreet
I seem quiet
Yet my thoughts run deep
How many of us feel incomplete
So many young minds already succumb to defeat
I know I can’t be the only one
These are the things that my friends don’t say
But I see them slowly fade away
Slip into another day
Of just trying to make it by
The only way we cope is by getting high
Is this what it means to be alive or do we just survive?
Did someone with a capital “S” put us here?
If so, who and why?
Are we all just born to die?
Why should we even try?
Tell me you think about these things too
I know that you do
We are the fragile youth with nothing to lose
And everything to gain, if only we were not afraid
Never of death, but the in between
Dealing with broken dreams and trying to stitch up the seams
The scars will always show, this much I know
It is up to us to choose if we grow

Red, blue
and violet
Inside my mind, there is a riot
Gun fire
Bursts of desire
Will I rise higher
Or come crashing down
I always felt like I was meant for more than this town
But how can I escape
Design my own fate
When these walls I cannot break
If only I could reach out and take
My future
Pull it towards me so I can be there sooner
Oh, the irony
I want to escape reality
The painter of this picture is me
Too blind to see
I didn't even look at the canvas
Should have kept a steady hand
Scribbled all over it
Didn't give a ****
Now I’m left wondering who I am
Let myself decay
But I don’t want to waste away another day
So to myself I say, it is time for change
I have to rearrange the order of my brain
So things don’t remain the same
Gotta change my aim
Relight my flame
If life is just a game
I want to at least say I played
No longer will I sit out or be filled with self doubt
I’m going to love myself now
Or at least try
Life goes by in the blink of eye
If then ten year old me walked on by
Would they sigh or wonder why
I never tried
I never tried
I’m trying to look on the bright side
Always there will be high and low tides
All fears I must cast aside
The time has come to do more than just sit by
I want to see a change worldwide
So I have to start inside

A rising tide
Nationwide
To wash away this great divide

Change is constant
Even when we have lost it
Our souls, our bodies
No longer clinging to meaningless hobbies
The only thing guaranteed
In a world full of greed
All warnings we did not heed
Taking without need
Corrupted images destroying self esteem
We should be working as a team
To undo the damage
Of the rich man's rampage
Stealing resources
Wars on false pretenses
Thinking about the future makes me tense
So many of my friends already have their mind set
"Having a family, that's what's best"
Why would I want to bring another life into this
An innocent soul
You're supposed to protect
shape
and mold
Truth be told
I am not that bold
Although your hand I would love to hold
I dare not bring another fragile human into a world so cold

I have never taken a blade to my wrist
These thoughts cut me deeper than any knife
Lately I can’t shake this feeling that I’ll never get anything right
So what is the point when you don’t believe in yourself?
If you can’t, how can anyone else?
I've been staring at the same walls for three years
I can’t seem to overcome this fear
That my best is not good enough
Can you be too ***** to love?
When others shine so bright
How could anyone choose my light?
Happiness comes but it always leaves so soon
I’d rather stay in
Lock myself in this room
Stare at the ceiling
And think of you
You’re so ******* good and I want to be good too
But I am just a cliché
With too many flaws
You deserve porcelain skin and delicate jaws
So should I push away or fade away
Blend into shades of black and grey
Slow down time
Slip from my mind
Yet always you remain
Even when the last wisp of smoke escapes my lungs
I can still taste your name on my tongue