sometimes i think about the way a heavy snowfall mutes all surrounding noise
what beauty is capable of.
though different, this beauty is also in the rain
and the way its droplets tap on our windows.
i wonder if people can communicate in a way so graceful,
perhaps loving stares and skin-on-skin suffice.

i wish people could be beautiful in the way sunsets are.
i wish there was a word for the way sun shimmers against ocean waves
or the feeling that overcomes your body when you know the sea is nearby,
though it hasn't come int view just yet.
i wish the moonlight that dances on my skin had a feeling,
in the same way that sunlight does.

if i could recreate this world, i'd do it differently
i'd give sound to the sizzling of asphalt on a hot summer day
the sun itself may have a soft hum as well.
the twinkling of stars would mimic chimes
the only thing i wouldn't have to change is your smile
that already brings me warmth.

my story exists in the lower keys
the ones that strike your heartstrings and echo in your empty chest.
it lies in the shadows just outside of the glow that a streetlight provides
on a dark, cold night.
check the bruises on your arms, and the slashes on your legs
it'll be there, too.
it's in the nights spent sitting in the shower with the water running cold
the numbness, that's it.
it's feeling too weak to get out of bed in the morning
and having only the energy to stare at the wall.
the tiny cut on your finger you didn't know was there until you squeezed a lime
it's the stinging.
that's where I exist
in the pain
in the dark
in the lower keys.

i can't recall at what age i no longer feared death.
perhaps it was the day i saw a dead raccoon in the street,
puking its insides outward, like it ate something regrettable.
or maybe it was the day a suicide attempt brought a body to our shore
and though i was told to look away, i could not.
regardless of what brought me to this state, here i remain,
dismantling razors to get to their blades.
my skin has always been dry, like canvas,
so it only makes sense to use it as such,
a storyboard of misery and anguish covered my thighs
because anything was better than feeling numb.
i sometimes fantasize about what it must feel like to die
is it similar to the feeling of a sunshower on your skin,
or perhaps the wind dancing through your hair?
i've been dying to find out.
i'm aware that death is a fad these days
whether overdose or accident, slates are wiped clean
past mistakes erased.
if the promise of a swift and painless demise could be universal,
i'm sure more would feel the same as i.
what's scary is the pain, the unimaginable pain
that accompanies swallowing a fistful of pills or a swig of bleach
it's agony.
i've found myself closer and closer to reaching this point,
this point where i've no reason to be, and god,
it's so hard to backtrack.
in the same way that it's difficult to breathe easy,
the nearly impossible is found when i try not to mourn
what i haven't yet lost.

today was the day she was supposed to **** herself.

---

she woke to singing birds in the same bed where she googled how many sleeping pills she had to take for it to be lethal.
what can be done of a girl breathing so heavy she throws up her tears and screams so quietly she couldn't even hear herself suffering until it was too late?
she's a lost cause.
an afterthought, the newspaper you used to line your dog's crate.
she's the candy wrapper that missed the trash can and flew with the wind, only to get caught in the storm drain with the next torrential downpour.
she's been singing alone for weeks now.
today was the day she was supposed to **** herself.
today was the day she was supposed to swallow as many pills as she could fit down her throat
and subsequently lay in bed until they burnt holes through her body
she was supposed to bleed through her sheets, alone and suffering silently.
she was supposed to drown in her tears and scream until water filled her lungs
she was to go silently into the day with only her body to remain.
she was supposed to **** herself today.
this was her chance
and she ******* blew it.

---

she couldn't make it through the letters.
she had them all addressed, scratched in her messy handwriting
which was only worsened by her shaking hands.
she couldn't write them
she didn't make it past him
she could feel tears welling in her already so very tired eyes as she thought of how to tell her best friend and first true love that she couldn't hold on anymore
that she couldn't stand singing alone anymore.
she couldn't do it.
she couldn't make it through the letters.

---

i had to wait over an hour to be connected to someone from the suicide prevention hotline.
thinking back on it now, it's quite a flawed system.
someone might not have had so long to wait.
i know now that i never could have actually done it
i never could have said goodbye to the morning sun or the falling leaves
i would've missed the sea far too much.
i would've missed the feeling of knowing the ocean is nearby without actually having it in my line of sight
that's one of the best feelings in the world, i promise you.
i would've missed your hand in mine, and i would've missed our long drives.
i wouldn't trade those for the world.

---

today was the day i was supposed to **** myself.
but i didn't,
and i won't,
so long as the tides keep changing,
and the earth keeps spinning,
and the birds keep chirping.

there's a song in my playlist that makes me feel like i can't breathe
it pulls at my skin like the tightening of a drum
except the drumsticks are razor blades and the song is a ******* requiem
the choir is sobbing but smiling all he while
and every guest has their fingers crossed.
it's an open-casket affair, but it's filled with ****** water
the guest of honor is hiding in plain sight, or so i've heard.

I wish you were still here.
I wish you still sang your heart out
And I wish you still smiled when you heard a song you liked
I miss when you'd dangle your feet off the edges of cliffs
Because you wanted to feel how it felt pre-free fall
I miss when you'd dance alone in your room
And dance in that same manner with an audience.
I miss your beautiful, kind soul
And I wish you still danced in the rain.
I wish I wasn't crying while I was writing this
And I wish you weren't in so much pain.
I wish you were still sweet like sugar
And I wish your eyes still shimmered like stars.
I wish your hands didn't shake like leaves
I wish your chest didn't feel so heavy
And I wish the same for your eyes
I wish you were still here to brighten the bad days
And I wish you weren't a victim of time.

the vivid pictures of raindrops tapping on windshields
have always been something to stay with me.
my raindrop memories of you were my most special
but as of late they've brought me nothing but sorrow.
the way your windows cried as we sat in our own euphoria,
shielded from the evils which plagued us
reminds me now of the way i had thunderstorms in my eyes
when you left.
i have an entire playlist of songs that i can't bring myself to listen to anymore
because every note reminds me of my fingers locked with yours
and every strum tugs at my heartstrings so hard they ache
there's no amount of pills in the world that could help me forget what your touch felt like
there's nothing on this earth that could soothe the ache in my stomach that arises when I hear your name
i thought of putting my pretty neck through a ******* noose once or twice since then
because i feel like i'm drowning and nobody knows how to swim
i can never be sure of how it feels to be shrouded in genuine happiness
because all this time i thought you were the source of mine
but how could something so perfect be so corrupt?
how could you take your once gentle hands and wrap them around my neck?
squeezing the life from my lungs while hot tears dance on my cheeks just like the raindrops on your windshield.

i hate that home smells like cigarettes
and i hate that family comes with screaming and crying
and i hate that we were taught that hate was too strong because if so then maybe my family shouldn't use it to describe how they feel about me
but that's what's normal to me now, i know it's sad
but i would give anything to fade away and not share their name.
i hate that i am always in the way even when i'm really not
i hate that i am responsible for their mistakes because that's what i was
at least, that's what they tell me.
my solace from this hell on our planet earth has eyes like the sea and a charming energy
neither of us can stand the ones we must call our "family".
even if blood is thicker than water mine still manages to boil
but thank god for my love who turns up my heat yet still decreases my temperature
a beautiful distraction from what resides at home
or should i say at my house? because home is where you're loved
and i was once told that i was made to be loved so if this is true
home is not home.
if home is where i'm loved then home is with my friends
home is where i can sing my heart out and receive smiles instead of frowns
home is where i can laugh and cry without fear of judging eyes
home is where i'm kissed on my cheek and i'm kissed on my hand
not where i'm yelled at and subsequently kissed WITH a hand
those kisses leave knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes
that's not home.
i want nothing more than to just go home
i just wish home could be a place
and not a person

My birth
Was a natural disaster
With each breath I took in this new world,
A hurricane ravaged cities and left people homeless
Each beat of my heart sent earthquakes that destroyed buildings
And made houses collapse.
I'm sorry if it seems I'm complaining of minor inconveniences
I am not strong in ways where I'm able to handle each swing life takes at me
I will fall to my knees at the faintest gust of wind because with each breath I take
And each day that goes by I grow closer and closer to giving up
Please put me out of my ******* misery so I never have to be pitied again
I can't breathe anymore because someone's sitting on my chest
And their knees are digging into my sternum as I gasp for air
I can't leave my house anymore because once I do
The Earth begins to crack below my feet
I know it must sound as if the world have given me the short straw and
Sometimes I believe it not only feels as such
But is as such.
It is not the I feel just in my contempt
It is simply that it devours my soul until all that is left is deep dread
That sunk its roots into my skin
And polluted my veins.
I can feel nothing but the digging.
Like I am riddled with termites that scream unto me
"You are a waste."
It is merely unfortunate that
I have come to believe them.

YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SLICED MY VEINS
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SOILED MY NAME
I'VE LOST SO MANY PEOPLE THAT I ONCE LOVED BECAUSE YOU'VE SPREAD LIES TO TEAR ME DOWN
I SLIPPED FROM OUT OF YOUR GRIP AND AS PUNISHMENT YOU CAME TO MY HOME AND SLEPT IN MY BED
YOU TOOK ME TO SLAUGHTER BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR WAY
YOUR RAN MY HEAD THROUGH THE MUD AND LEFT ME TO SUFFOCATE
******* FOR RIPPING EVERYTHING I LOVED FROM MY FINGERTIPS
I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR AND I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR SO LONG BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH
JESUS CHRIST, YOU TOOK EVERY YEAR WE SPENT TOGETHER AND PAWNED THEM FOR POCKET CHANGE
EVEN THOUGH I ASK FOR SO LITTLE I GET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM YOU
NOT THAT I'D EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE.
SO GO AHEAD AND DEMONIZE ME, IT'S WHAT YOU DO BEST.
JUST KNOW THAT ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE THROUGH YOUR SMOKE AND MIRRORS
AND REALIZE YOU WERE THE TRUE VILLAIN
ALL ALONG.

I count the stars each night before I lay to rest
I try to connect the dots between the freckles on my skin
I run my fingers over my scars like they’re ink on paper
Unable to be erased, and scribbling them out would only make them appear more obvious
I wish I could forget myself even for a little while
I wish to pluck my heartstrings and release the song I’ve been keeping inside of myself for far too long
The intense pressure that would be lifted from my being would be enough to allow me to fly
If only.
I wish to float in an ocean of dreams without sinking to the bottom
Or becoming seasick.
I wish the sun wouldn’t blister my skin
In the same way that your love does.
I wish the ringing in my ears would cease even just for a second so I could peacefully listen to the song I’ve had drilled into my skull for days now
I just want to get it out.
As fall arrived I remember feeling such a dread deep in my bones as I realized it would not be an easy one
Like a blanket falling over me I was covered in goosebumps with alcohol surging through my veins as my bloodshot eyes opened their gates and the tears started to flow
I just wanted to lay in the grass with crumpled leaves in my hair and count the stars as I took my last breath
I feel like I wasn’t asking for much.
I just wanted the air flowing through my lungs to cease like the aftermath of a mid-october hurricane
And I wanted to feel my heart slow to the point where it emulated the drums of that song I couldn’t get out of my ******* head no matter how much I tried to muffle the sound
But I wasn’t so fortunate.

These days I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that everything nasty in the world isn’t all of my own doing
   And it’s been more and more difficult allowing myself to breathe easy because it seems the world is collapsing around me and I’ve caused the crumbling of every last brick
   Though my screams are lessened because I’ve been drowning for days the water doesn’t cancel the sound
   And it’s so deafening that it makes babies cry and tides turn and hurricanes begin to form in my eyes as an earthquake destroys a settlement with each step I take
   I’m afraid of waking up in this cruel world and setting off volcanic eruptions instead of fireworks
   My throat is filled with thorns and they tear my flesh with every breath I take and I’m tired of the blood pooling in my stomach to the point where I can’t think of roses without feeling nauseous
   I’ve tied my stomach into knots that I don’t know how to undo and my hands are shaking too much to even begin to try in the first place
   So I don’t.

One becomes acquainted to a certain way of life if lived in long enough
The most tragic of these circumstances being a found comfortableness in misery
When tears become routine and shaky hands are a custom
This is where home resides.
Light and love turn into foreign enemies against our comfort as we push away the people and things that mean to help
Ending in our personal isolated hell.
We find ourselves having rather cried ourselves to sleep than feel an ounce of joy rip through our walls
Happiness is so stiff and awkward it becomes an unwanted dinner guest and we are forced to realize that if we choose to get better we must feel quite a bit worse
And this is far more difficult than finding content in our cold misery.
The sum of the former is surely greater in value
Though it comes at the cost of our comfort.
We must trade goosebumps for smiles and tell ourselves it’s worth it
Even though it very well may not be.

i was awake at three in the morning with stomach pains that could bring someone to their knees, all because i was thinking of you and your all but kind words

i can’t do this anymore
i don’t want you in my life

your words were sharp like knives and I was bleeding out through my eyes, clutching my stomach as both my cheeks and my pillow case were wet with your daggers

yousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulo­vedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyo­ulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousai­dyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyou­saidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedme­yousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulove­dmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoul­ovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedmeyousaidyoulovedme

i felt my internal screams escaping my lungs with each sob and eventually i was unable to breathe as i wept for our secrets shared and dreams made

falling from a cliff would be less painful than this.

I know you told me to call you when I felt I wanted to die
But god, I can't let you see me cry anymore.
Because I know you can't hold my hand
And I know you can't kiss my cheek or wipe my tears
And that kills me.
My hands may be shaking
And my heart may be aching
But I just don't want to be a problem anymore.
I know you said you still loved me
But I know it's not in the way it once was
And that too, kills me.
But I'm trying
God, I'm trying
To not dream of growing old with you
To not wish to be yours
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
God, I feel annoying just writing this
I'm sorry to keep bothering you this way
I'll go.

—————

someone’s hands were on me.

I could feel one rip through my chest
It grabbed hold of my heart and started twisting
I felt a scream escape from my lungs
But didn’t hear a ******* sound.

I can still hear him growling.

My hands have been shaking for days now
My bones so jittery I’m surprised they’re not clacking together
Shattering to pieces and piercing my skin
That would be nothing compared to this pain.

he was stronger than he looked.

It surprised me regardless when he weighed me down
Drugs on his breath and then on my skin
Leaving purple marks that screamed anything but consent
To remind me of what happened.

he didn’t ask.

He didn’t speak kindly to me in the way that one should
He was forceful and rough and tore through my flesh
Blistered my skin and rusted my bones
And I can’t get rid of him anymore.

so here he remains.

Our home has an uneven foundation
The walls are crumbling and the support beams are rotting
And tonight, the roof finally caved in.
As my lungs filled with sawdust I covered my ears
I covered my eyes and hid from my fears
I didn’t wanna hear the screams or the tears,
I couldn’t bare to hear promises of suicide
And claims of pure hatred with a dash of cyanide
I couldn’t bare to see my home topple over
And I couldn’t bring myself to look at their hands bunched up into fists
They screamed until they couldn’t make a sound and I couldn’t deal
I couldn’t witness such a catastrophe without being scarred so I ran and I hid
I hid from their words and I hid from their lies
I hid until the worst of it was over
And then all was quiet.


When I opened my eyes, the walls were intact
The beams were solid, the floor was leveled
And everyone was smiling.
Their teeth were black with ash and soot
But they smiled wide, grinning ear to ear
And their voices were calm, the yelling had ceased
I uncovered my ears.
And though their mouths told one story
Their eyes told another
They were red and puffy, and I could see the pain that the damage caused
But they smiled on anyway
As did I.

Who knew love had such soft hands,
And the gentlest of eyes that could soothe any ache and calm any storm
Who knew love was so warm,
That even the sun would envy in its rays
And who knew it’s smile could brighten even the darkest of days?
I had no idea.
But god, do I know now.
Sometimes I forget I’m actually grounded
Because love is making me feel lighter than air
Love is taking its warm arms and wrapping me in its embrace
And I never want love to let me go
And I hope it never does
I hope love kisses my forehead every night before bed and kissing my hand every morning when I wake
Love makes me blush so deeply and lust so intensely
And I’m never be able to get enough.

Beware of ******* with pretty eyes
Dark hair and a crooked smile
Their hands are only loving at first
But they’ll soon begin to break your bones
And with each snap you’ll only fall deeper
Getting lost in the crystal blue of their iris
And you’ll open your mind, body and soul
So they’ll take you in their arms and eat you whole
They’ll dismantle your temple brick by brick
But you’ll still smile and thank them
Because their eyes put their victims in a trance
And you’ll be blind to see their true evil
Until it’s too late.

Goosebumps
On goosebumps,
On goosebumps.
The air had grown cold by then,
My blue blood clouded my thoughts and the bathwater
My fingers dried up like a heart left in the sun for a bit too long
I was immobile.
My soapy eyes turned bright red The only heat supplied by my body was through my salty tears
I had managed to think of everything and nothing all at once
And it was a lot to process.

So I emerged and grabbed my towel from its hanger
I took my stance in front of the mirror and peered
I looked deep into my being to find what was keeping me here
And came up empty.
So I wrapped my arm,
I brushed my hair,
And I stepped back into reality.

As newly-orange leaves trickle down from painted trees
I can smell the season.
And while not even my flannel could prevent goosebumps from forming on my pasty skin,
I feel a pair of arms wrap around the small of my waist
And I'm content.
Coffee brewing from a *** far too old,
I take a warm cup and a blanket
Accompanied by my favorite book
And my favorite guy
To sit out on the porch.
And while the crisp autumn air chilled my spine
I felt warm.
And though it's been years,
Every touch makes me nervous,
And places butterflies in my stomach.
And as a soft rain trickles down from the dark clouds above,
I'm sheltered.
I'm warm.
I am content.

My skin is steaming, bubbles forming like scales
As I waste away on my own watch
And there's a churning sensation inside of me
The tides are turning again and again and again
Like in a washing machine.
And I could panic or scream for a bit
Though I'd never be heard
Because help is for the weak, dear
Help is for the weak.
I could wish for calming waters
Or I could make things worse
Like always.
But, truth be told,
I'm a fraud.
My skin is but leather and I'm stuffed
Though I may be alive you'd not know upon first glance
Because I repeat, and repeat like a machine
Without faltering.
All that can be done is dream
For a new path, or a turn for the better
But it's impossible when only in one direction.

**** love, and all that comes with it
**** the ones you fall for though you CLEARLY shouldn't
**** the guys that let you cry yourself to sleep at night without a shred of guilt on the conscience
**** loving someone only to have your happiness shattered into sharp little pieces
And **** trying to pick them all up.

You'll cut your hands on their words, their promises, their smile
They aren't worth the time
The tears
The blood
The emotion the raw emotion that's eating away at your heart while you try to find the courage to stumble out of bed in the morning
**** love and it's empty promises.
All love does is tear people down and rip them apart
You don't deserve this pain
Nobody does but we keep falling in love and keep getting hurt and it's such a vicious cycle so
**** LOVE.

As your salt stings my chapped lips and my open wounds I come less and less to you

You grit your teeth into dust that carries through your heinous breath that makes my eyes water and my heart ache

And I cannot believe not too long ago I turned to you for care and comfort and compassion but instead I was caught in a tight spot lacking wiggle room

I can feel you burning a hole through my chest as I ***** words and phrases that don't make sense when put together like

"I love when you make me cry"

How do I begin to explain that I cry when I hear your name if I never want you to feel sorry?
How do I speak of the horrible things I wish had been done to me back when I was at my worst?
I can remember choking on sobs and bleeding on all my pretty white clothes
But I can never remember the way it feels to be loved.
Maybe I never really was loved, though it seemed that way he left and only memories remain.
And I don't miss him but I ******* miss the warmth and comfort he provided when I was at my breaking point.
I don't know how to not feel guilty about wanting to die and maybe it's a good thing because maybe it'll keep me alive
But I cry myself to sleep some nights and I can't remember a time when I felt alright.
And though I feel numb I'll bite my tongue because I don't want you to feel bad,
You can't control your emotions and it's not your fault that I can't remember being anything but sad.

It's nobody's fault.

I just wanna SCREAM at the tops of my lungs but I'm worried nobody will hear me or, even worse, that I'd be heard and ignored and I can't remember the last time I was that loud

And I can feel my skin become ice cold no matter how many layers I wear and nobody can help anymore and it has **** near killed me

I don't remember how it feels to be content and I wish I did so I could at least find comfort in the past, but it's all a blur and I'm not sure if there's a cure.

I can't seem to find the words to express how badly distressed I become when I think of you
And I can't seem to understand why I'm losing sleep
I feel lost I am lost and I can't find my way out
I'd like to cry and I'd like to scream and I'd like to let it all go
But I'd suddenly recall a time when it all washed away and I'd remember the way my future was clear as day
And I'd miss the feeling of knowing my next steps
Or the answers to the tests
But I never knew.
And I miss love
I miss being loved and I miss loving life
I miss being happy that I was alive
I miss the days when the sun would shine and the grass was green and the world was kind
Some people would argue these days didn't exist
But they did when I was with you.
They did when I was with you.