You held me. That is it.
You held me in a way that assured me you would love me forever.
Gentle, strong. Slowly tracing the edges of my body.
A look in your eyes told me you admired them. Saw a beauty in them other than
What I saw,
Or what others saw. Just an object.
But the look in those everchanging eyes of yours told me you saw a grace that I never
Knew I had.

And then you raised your lips to mine and the entire world fell away.
Nothing but the feeling of your lips dancing with mine. Tongues twirling and dipping,
Slowly, but with a confidence that we have rehearsed two thousand times before.
But that would be the first time. The first time that a tenderness such as that has showed itself to me.
We are strong, we experienced different things than the others. We are different than them.

We know.

Strange how things are twisted,
Made better or happier
Like a girl who thought her life
Was crumbling. Her
Mind a whirlpool of lies
Inside of a hurricane of torment and insanity.
Her sleepless nights are simply
Airplanes that cannot fly.
But they are beautiful.
Bright yellow birds with broken wings and
Arrows through their eyes
Fly from sight.

I can relate. The urge and incessant need to run,
The cage stands around me, pillars of a ballroom
with no space to dance. The invisible song echoing.
My mind is a place of blazing meteors
And barren deserts,
Only occupied by an occasional mirage
That screams, “I’ve found something!”
The sound burns my throat, the voice of someone else in my body.
And suddenly I was weightless,
Barely a cloud
Near the ground, obstructing the
Paths that my eyes wander down.
Demonstrated by demons
And the flames flavoured
Like chocolate and ghost peppers.
Burning blisters on the insides of
My teeth, spreading through my bones
As a parasite would slither
Down my throat.
The trees and water signifying my survival
grows. A paradise in the eyes of a starved kitten
Lacking its milk from a mother flattened on the side of the road.
But the possibility disappears
As I walk, run, fall, cuss, crawl closer to my destination,
Forever doomed to walk among the shadows and blackness
Of the sky. Colourblind. I wander and trip over cracks in the
Sidewalk as my mother's back cracks in half like a twig,
It’s not my fault! I am still lost!
Or maybe I have been found. A picture, solid and graphic
I am here. This wasteland could be my home, my fragmented reality.
The tunnels deep in the blackened sand are the
Corridors of a haunted house, ghosts
Of long lost stories whispering sweet nothings
In my disjointed ear. I do not want to listen.
“Welcome home.”

A final tear falls like
My soul escaping from my eyes.

The windows are closed.

A draft can still be felt from the edge of a mental bridge,
And I jumped.
My excuse: I go where the wind takes me.

---------
I've let you know what's its like,
Yet it seems like you don't want it to be true.
You lie to yourself.
Or maybe you just don't comprehend.

Running from the truth will get you nowhere.
---------

A final tear falls like
A memory finally understood.

I have a blog now for people with anything on their mind. If you are one of those who do not know who to go to or what to do, message me here or visit my blog and leave a comment in my story post. Let someone know what is going on and possibly find others as well.

http://i-am-okay-now.blogspot.com/

It was just made a few days ago, so I am the only one that has done anything so far, but if word is spread, I will do my best to help in any way I can.

Stay. Will you be a penny glued to the sidewalk?

Can a leaf blowing away in the wind be a true metaphor
For the way you love me?

I wonder if your eyes will change and no longer see me as
The girl you see me as now?

I am scared. Terrified. Worried. I think, maybe, that you
Will change too much. That you will be a different person.
You already are. You're not the nervous boy I fell in love with,
But I love you now more than ever.

I just hope you can say the same for me.

Recreated over and over, just to get away.
I can not keep doing this,

The walls are closing in.

I have no place to turn to if I can not
Tell
My story openly.
Tell my emotions without being judged.
I know you care,
But some things, I don't want you to know.
I will talk if I want to.

Science class is boring. People are loud. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm depressed. My numbers have not been good when I rate my emotions at therapy. My mom overreacts to everything and does not listen to my side of the story like always. She acted like it was my fault that I got half credit on a late group assignment. Technical difficulties deleted everything and we turned it in a month late after redoing it. Half credit was generous.
I haven't been able to talk to Sage much recently... I miss him. He is right there and I hug and kiss him daily, but I miss him. I almost had time on Tuesday, but my mom took that away. I feel alone. I've thought recently that I'm ugly. I don't feel good about myself. I promised not to try again or hurt myself, so I found another way... I haven't eaten well recently, meaning I won't eat for a while and then I will binge on junk food... It makes my stomach hurt, but I don't care.
Anyway, I almost had time, and my mom said yes at first, but then I told her that school was good and she asked about the project. Then she said no. I was trying to explain. I may have raised my voice a little, but then she started screaming at me not to yell. I wasn't. Cell phones have microphones. And mine is broken, so it just made it worse. Everything piled up at once and I started to cry. He left before my mom got there and I just sat and cried. A police woman came just to ask if I was okay. I told her I was fine, just a lot of stress and my mom pulled up. I got in the car and she instantly badgered me about why I was talking to the police and when I told her why, she to,d me I was throwing a temper tantrum like a three year old. I told her I wasn't and then her catch phrase came out. I swear, she says it to me every day. "You're full of ****, Kaydee."
I wasn't having a good week to begin with, my numbers were bad all week. Since I only go to treatment once a week now, I keep track of my own numbers until I get back. I seriously contemplated trying again or harming again, but I didn't. I was proud, and thankful that I have at least five people to support me, my family not included. They go back and forth. Everything I do is wrong, I'm full of ****, I'm a liar, and then they love me and only care about helping me.
Do they even understand how difficult this is? We're they ever sent into treatment? Are they living my life with my teachers and my views and disorders? My parents have depression and have attempted, but they still don't get it. If they did, they wouldn't be doing this.

I just want to be let go. I was doing fine until this started. Therapy made it worse. I harmed after I went into therapy. I was pain-sober before then.

My therapy place called me again today. I don't know why they called me and not my mom, but whatever. I don't even care. Normally music helps with things like this but I'm shying away from my normal taste... I've been listening to more Death Cab For Cutie and Regina Spektor. All is well, though. Just softer than the screaming and explicit lyrics I'm used to. More meaningful and poetic, I think.

Well, I think I'll be done. Writing this helped, but I am still on the verge of tears. I need to be done.

   Sincerely, Kagami.

Maybe, for once, I want someone to tell me that they wont leave me alone.
Maybe, for once, I want a truthful response to my worries instead of a lie or silence.
Maybe, for once, I would like a bit of sense in a confusing circumstance.
Maybe, for once, I don't want to be treating like the helpless weakling that people believe me to be because suicide is on my mind at all times. I may be miserable, but I am not giving up, no matter what ******* people throw at me.
Maybe, for once, I want to be a ******* human being, not a glass figurine with diamond tears.

Something bad is going to happen.
The only thing on my mind (because I cant help it):
Remember your promise.

Small talk, advice given, but forgotten
It seems.
No longer able to form
Coherent words, seek solace, converse
Where no one will see our troubles.

I am sorry, brother.

Oh, a miraculous world isn't it? Silly fights and all?
They keep me imprisoned,
Think it's two to one,
But they have never even fought in this battle. I was never their prisoner.
You set me free every time you look me in the eye.

The light, the fire, is beautiful,
But it is painful. More painful the day after, when
Skin mends and tried to heal, but you keep going.
Touching, burning.

I never wanted to be in pain.
I never wanted to feel the sting of the flame
Or the numbness of a scratch mark.
Or the pinch of the blade.yet it is so seductive. Addicting.
I am addicted to pain. It gets me going,
Releases every demon I have into the world.

And then I miss them, conjure them back into me.
And I repeat the process.

Nankurunaisa

This cold, melted demon runs through
The veins that only you can truly heat.
The chilled whispers this child of Lilith
Calls, breathes into me.
His thick claws digging in my gut,
Making me bend and twist in pain
And surrender.
The blood loss and frozen, searing agony
Causing my legs to give out.

I can not stand.
I cannot think.
I cannot see. I cannot breathe I cannot speakicannot
lie.
I love this blindingly Black Blood.

Have you talked about me?
Have people asked?
How is everyone?
I feel too awkward to
Say anything.
Are we really friends?
Or just acting like it?
Am I bothersome to you?
Do you want me to forget?
Do you really care?
Are you disappointed in me?
Are you worried?
I feel like I can't like
Your statuses that i find amusing.
What do people say?

No one saw it coming but me.
I've gotten the same question over and over
But I don't really know the answer.
But I do at the same time.
Why?
Because he stopped loving me.
* How? When?*
I don't know...
How long did you go without telling me?

Abuse beats me.
No, its not really a person. I haven't
Seen the shape of a fist purpled on my cheek in a while.
But Abuse beats me.
Its as if my mind is a dead horse,
It has been mentioned and disregarded and degraded.
When I exclaim again why I am going insane,
I am pushed and tripped,
Crammed into a locker my shoulders cant fit in.

My cheeks cant hold up my lips.  
They have lost their drive unless you string them up like puppets.
That's all a smile is. Hiding from hardships from behind my teeth
Like lies that desperately want to be told.
But no matter how many truths I tell,
They are dismissed as excuses.
What if I did see the beauty in things and
Know what it was like to inflict pain inside myself?
What if I did fight against the one monster we all fear, but
Revived it when I thought I had given up again?

It's been five months since
Not one thing, but another.
And I would have not remembered,
But it keeps getting brought up.

I've gotten help.
But not because I can't cope.
I need help because you are taking over me.
Stalking, suffocating,
Using me as a puppet.

And it's been five months today.
April 24th. 9:13pm.

Two days.

Overcome it.
Tell it who is boss and whip it into shape.
I am not afraid anymore. I took control.


Let out your emotions, you fears.
Verbalize your confusion.
I did, an I am better.
Tell it to ******* and figure out how to fix itself.
Turn it into something light.
Bright.
Lovely.

Your demons don't possess you anymore, lover.
Because, in a way,
You are a demon yourself.

We all are.

We possess ourselves.

Something my teacher said.
A thousand insects in one tree.

He's talking about us.
Not directly, but that life isn't it?

We are all ****** up little things in the world.
Some of us have a billion legs. Disgusting creatures.
Some have crazy fangs to rip out throats.
Some have eight eyes and see the world as a big moving picture.

But we are all insects with piercing eyes and spindly limbs and
Screwy bodies.
It's this of us with wings that can see above it.
Show their colors.

And those are the bugs that are not scary to live with.

And the plot thickens
Or sickens
As they say

My demon lies,
Crumbling mind, speaking incoherently.
Did you make the right choice. A girl
Sees what needs to be, what wants to be.

And yet, we drift. A silent voice that once lulled me to sleep,
Pushes me away,
A violent shove at my center most light.
A distant voice tells me it no longer trusts.

I am an echo. I can not do what has not been done,
My voice no longer works when I do not listen in return.
There is no music to
Listen to. Only the whistling silence of the wind.

The windows block that out. Windows to the soul
Have shutters that block the paintings on the walls
From the outside world.
Never to be seen by human eyes, even the resident.

Lost is the hottest fashion, these days.
Did you hear?
Independence is taken too far, and isolation
Replaces whatever played peaceful music in the past.

Somehow, the soldiers march to nonexistent drums and
No one utters a word, for fear
That they will be executed.

"You, dear, are too cautious. You need to let me in."

The power of the word,
Or maybe the power we give it.

A forever-long walk along the beach,
Watching as the sun rises into the windows
Of a small house on the edge.
One push of the wind and it will plummet;
An endless distance lays below.

I am stuck in a maze.

Full of mirrors
And I can see people who look just like me.

They are me.
Aren't me.
Are me aren't me;
I don't know anymore.

I am Kaydee.
I am Kestrel.
I am Kagami.
I have many names.

And all of them are stuck in this maze with me.

Quicker than I thought, but
I feel fine. Ready to move on.
I knew I was holding on, and realizing
That has made me able to think.
Cheesy movies and music has helped,
But writing has been better.
And one person has been there
So much within the past few months
That I know I am well cared for.
And now it will be time for me to be
A recorded message, waiting for the time
To say goodbye to the past and
Hello to a new life and great memories that
Caused experience and a new friend.

Thank you for your time.
I had fun and hope that we
Both can benefit. Its over and done,
But we can start over as something new.
And maybe e can laugh together again as
Something simpler than what we were.
I love you as a friend now. I've learned that.

Send this jeweled watch flying out the window,
It's silly, clattering wings flapping, struggling
To keep it up.
My world has crashed once, you stupid creature.
And it is your fault. Horrid
Clock.
Time is your weapon.
But now, I am a ghost.

Your ticking sword does not cut me.

So sweet, so smooth, so perfect.
Did I ever tell you that's what your voice is?

I can not fit inside of a snow globe, not when I do not have
My magic cakes. My name is not Alice, either.

I need someone,
Preferably you,
To sleep next to me.
Pull my body tight against you and whisper against my spine.
Snake your arm around my waist
And tickle my hips to wake me in the morning.
Kiss me softly and ask to lay there again.

Please, love...
Just five more minutes.

Lately, I haven't been sure.

I want to write something for you, love,
But I am afraid that not even the sky
Or the deepest waters of the ocean
Can compare to your eyes.

I wanted to sing something for you, love,
But, again, I fear that no lyrics are pure
Enough to describe you.
No words are beautiful enough to pleasure
Your ears as your voice pleasures mine.

I wanted to touch you in some way, love.
A way that would create sounds from your
Chest as it rises and falls, a way that
Could let ecstasy fly throughout your body.

I wanted to be better for you, my dearest,
For you are the epitome of perfection
And imperfections that are, by definition, beauty.

I realized not long ago that you, a man with a sweet mind,
Thought of me as beautiful enough and created the image,
In both of our minds, that we are perfect,
And will forever be *one.

Lace and love,
                  The caress of a lover
         And the smell of roses.

                      Drapes of a deep blue shade
                                               Keep the world away.

"A touch and a sigh, simply, explain how much you miss me."

                                 I tell him so.
      Sheets askew and
                                       Tears of an unwidowed.

         "Kiss me.

Tell me that I am okay,
                   That you are okay.

       That you love me."

                                    Please.

          "I am scared and lost;
    Love me
                              Hold me

Make me feel safe!"

             Please.

                                   "Be gentle."

I hate break up poems.
Theyre sad and depressing, but most poetry is.
Its a reflection of emotion and
Influenced by bad experiences and negative energy.

But, I guess, this is a break up poem.
I knew it, and I will move on.
For now, though, I am sad.
I am disappointed.
I am numb.
And I am trying to find something to
Help me up after I've fallen this hard.

I've never written a break up poem.

This is a first for me, just like you were.

Take me away from here.
Away from the dozens of
Mockingbirds constantly speaking.
There is no time to fix them,
Teach them to sing.
I can not deal with the auto tune
Much longer.

Don't mention it....
Don't, or I swear I'll...

You mentioned it. The
Elephant
In the room.
We didn't want to mention it!
Don't talk about it! You'll
Chase it away.

We need it here, don't hurt it's feelings!

We need something to
Do.
Something to
Talk about.

Don't fix it.

We crave the drama.

I am so scared. I am crying and I can not stop,
The screen I  am using to type is blurred.
I am a violent, emotional, nervous wreck.
Tomorrow marks the day. Six months
And I can not imagine what I will do.
I want to know exactly what you think.
Tell me, with details, no short, whimsical
Answers. Tell me how much I have changed.
I don't like this. You look at me in a different way,
I've seen it. Don't you dare tell me otherwise.
You looked just as scared as I felt today.
Admit it. You're scared.

Don't lie to me, I hate it.
But I love you, so it is okay.

Do I?
Do I not?
Do I?
Do I not?
Do I?
I won't......

Not yet.

My eyes hurt.
My nose burns.
And my head throbs with things once forgotten.
I wanted so ******* badly to forget.

And now, I'm forced to relive it.

I tried to ******* **** myself.
Why would you bring that up again?
Why would you ask me why?
How?
When?
It makes me remember when I'd already lost it.

I can't pay attention to the things that should matter
To a fifteen year old girl.

I can't just daydream about kissing my boyfriend or
Stress over the coming math test.

Because I'm too busy killing myself with memories.

Maybe we can all forget, start over?
Maybe we can go back?
Maybe we can run, be who we want?
I have no clue.

But you still say it.
Perhaps.
Perhaps the wounds we bear can never heal.
Perhaps all we can do is hold eachother as we die off.


Perhaps you still entice me, make me see you as the most beautiful creature ever.
But there's a problem, men aren't beautiful. I am not talking about that.
Every pore, every curve, every color and vein your skin contains fascinates me.
Perhaps our writing has died together.
Or perhaps you are lying to yourself, and perhaps you will come back.
Because you can not void this part of you.
Poetry is magic, music, and, every syllable, a part of you now.

Tell me?

Disappointment. I had never
Thought
Once
That it would go like this.

Death.

I never thought I'd have to
Think
About what I'd done.
How Id feel after I stopped
Bleeding
Breathing
Hearing.

How would it feel?

Quiet. Sickeningly quiet.
Watching silhouettes pass outside
While the salt dries to the floor at my feet.

Why am I here, waiting?

I need you to do a job for me.
Satisfy me in the way only you can.

I've craved your touch day and night,
And I know how it feels to have your lips
On my body.
The feeling, the memory is engraved in my brain.

But I need more.

Do this job for me,
And I will pay you back in any way I can.

And he walks away.
I looked at him. I almost said something to him.
He was distracted and
Looked angry.
At me?
At nothing?
And he walked away.

It seems as my time has passed.
Giving me a numb feeling unless you are near.
I can barely speak, barely think without crying
Or saying something I will regret.
The weather gives me chills.
The sky seems less colorful.
But you, my love,
You make everything bright.
The colors I see in you, dear, are vibrant.
The veins your life runs through are beautiful.
And I feel more alive under your touch than I did
In the summer wind, diving into a lake.
You are always summer, dear.
For me, you are. But am I summer for you?
Do I give you the life you need?
It is never out of season for me, love.
Join me.

I wish. But the clouds are heavy and they
Rain around me. I am not wet.
I can only feel chills and I
Think of you. Absent, I want you
Here. Hand in hand with
Not me. Her, the other me.
The one who is sad, because you make the
Rain go away. I can't see through
These melted eyes.
They are gone. Everything blurred and my sockets
Are empty. Get me my glass eye, love,
And I will show you your future.
I can't see it through the crystal clear, but you can.
Tell me, am I there with
You? If I could write a poem a day, will you
Be there in the pages?

Just as I feared. The exact thing I have expected and dreaded from the beginning. Countless love poems, even recent ones. They have not been a waste. But I did trust you to tell me the truth when you stopped loving me and wanted to end it. I have been confused and hurt by many things. This is one of the most difficult, not because of what I lost, but because I knew it was coming and did not brace myself for it. I've never felt more alone and more supported in my life.

I need a break from you for a while. I will give your things back to a friend to deliver. Please do not contact me.